Shownotes
How to Process Unwanted Feelings After 40 | The S.O.U.L. Method for Emotional Clarity
Episode Description
Unwanted feelings after 40 can feel overwhelming—especially during divorce or emotional seasons. In this episode, Lesa shares her S.O.U.L. Method to calm emotions, regulate your nervous system, and move forward with clarity. Learn how to process unwanted feelings, set boundaries, and choose aligned action with faith-based support. This episode is for women navigating divorce, emotional overwhelm, and midlife transitions who want clarity instead of chaos.
Timestamps
(00:00) Why unwanted feelings surface during the holidays
(05:12) Introducing the S.O.U.L. Method
(10:08) Stillness and surrendering emotions to God
(18:30) Identifying beliefs behind your feelings
(26:15) Using empathy and strengths on yourself
(34:40) Aligned action and setting guilt-free boundaries
(41:50) Divorce Clarity 40+ community invitation
Key Takeaways
- Unwanted feelings are signals, not failures
- Stillness helps regulate emotional overwhelm
- Questioning beliefs reduces suffering
- Boundaries are an act of self-respect
- Small aligned actions build self-trust
Guest Bio
Lesa Koski is a former family law attorney turned mediator, divorce coach, and mindset coach. She helps women over 40 navigate divorce, emotional overwhelm, and midlife transitions with clarity, faith, and grounded decision-making.
Resource Links
- Book a coaching session with Lesa:
- Find More From Lesa Here!
- Sign up for my newsletter https://enchanting-basil-714.myflodesk.com/qwzridafyj
- Marrie Simpson’s Metabolic Reset
- jjflizanes.com/lesa
- Sign up for my newsletter! https://enchanting-basil-714.myflodesk.com/qwzridafyj
- Ebook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0G4B2ZY1W?ref=yb_qv_ov_kndl_dp_rw
- Divorce Clarity 40+ Community
Tags / Keywords
divorce clarity, unwanted feelings, emotional regulation, women over 40, divorce mindset, faith and healing, boundaries after divorce, midlife emotional health, soul method, divorce support for women
Transcripts
Welcome listeners.
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If you are dealing with some
unwanted feelings, you are
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in the right place Today.
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I'm going to go through my self-coaching
method, so it's kind of like I've got
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a coach on my shoulder that helps me to
feel better through difficult feelings,
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and I actually just worked through this.
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I'm out here in the barn and it's
between Christmas and New Year's
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kind of an emotional time and,
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I think a lot of us, this is a great
time to practice because we've got lots
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of feelings and maybe we have a little
bit of time to sit down and look at 'em.
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We should always give ourselves
that time, but of course we don't.
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Another thing that I just wanna add
here is that I do have a community.
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I have a new community on school,
brand new in January for, it's
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called Divorce Clarity 40 plus.
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So if you are a woman.
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Thinking about divorce, divorce,
having parenting issues, whatever it
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is, it's a safe community where you
get me to coach you through this.
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So method, and I can give you
a little legal information.
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I'm not your attorney and I'm not
your therapist, but I can give you
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legal information and I am a coach so
I can coach you to a better mindset.
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And we do it in a safe
community with other women.
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$47 a month, Wednesdays at noon, and
I would love to have you join me.
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There will be, um, a link in the show
notes, or you can go to my website
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or just email me and I will, um,
get you linked up to that community.
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I would love to see you there.
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So, um, for the rest of us, whether
you're going through divorce a
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hard time or sometimes we don't
even have to really be going.
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Through something that seems really big
to other people, but it can be big to us.
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Our feelings, um, affect us.
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And it's funny because I started this
podcast a few times this morning and
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I had not done my work and I'm feeling
a little edgy, I'm not gonna lie.
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I've got a couple little things going
on with family members that make the
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emotional, the emotions in me erupt.
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And they're not wanted feelings.
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They're unwanted feelings.
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Before I jumped on, I just took a few
minutes and I sat through my approach.
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So like I said, it's
the Soul Method, SOUL.
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That's four steps.
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And what I want you to know is that
first step, there's about three things.
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There's stillness.
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Surrender and start with the decision.
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I've blobbed them all into, 'cause I
didn't wanna say the SSS Soul method.
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So there's three things in the S
and I always talk about stillness.
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We need to give ourselves time.
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Your important, and if you want to
use your gifts and serve the world,
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you gotta give yourself a little
time to sit so that you can hear God.
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You can.
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Look at what are my feelings,
because sometimes I don't
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even take the time to do that.
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So I did that this morning a little bit.
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I sat and I was still,
and then I surrendered.
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Maybe the person that I thought made me
feel a certain way or the situation that
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made me feel a certain way, surrendered
that to God, um, because it's kinda not.
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For me to deal with and whew.
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Does that feel good?
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I mean, you have heard me talk about
stillness and surrender, and I want
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you to know that I am dedicated
to, when I have fear or anxiety.
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I surrender it to God because I know he
loves me and I know he takes care of me.
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And I know the God who created this whole
universe, this whole thing going on here,
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knows a heck of a lot more than I do.
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And so that he, I'm gonna
just give it to him.
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And so I'm working really hard.
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Anytime that I have something
silly or big that's scaring me,
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worrying me, um, I hand it to him.
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But this is what's interesting,
what I realized, maybe not.
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Surrendering the anger.
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So today I get to learn
how to deal with that.
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'cause I have a little bit of anger in me.
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That was an emotion that I felt,
or kinda like a victim mentality.
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So, so I sat in stillness.
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And I, and that gave me the opportunity
to look at what am I feeling?
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What is that unwanted feeling?
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So you can name it.
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There's a feelings wheel.
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It is important to name it.
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You can sit and go, where does that,
where do I feel that in my body?
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Is it, what color would it be?
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If it was a color?
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I mean, really get to know it
because I am not going to lie, when
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I first started doing this work.
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Just naming how I feel, how I
felt started my healing journey.
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Like just naming that I felt afraid,
kind of like healed some of the fear.
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It's pretty bonkers and amazing.
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So it was, it's the first step into it.
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So be still feel that and then
you can surrender it to God.
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Sometimes I just hold his hand
if that feeling's holding on
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there and I'm like, okay, you
come with me, let's look at this.
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And then I surrender.
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That feeling.
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So this is what I'm learning today,
to surrender that anger, to surrender
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the person who caused that anger.
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And then that next, that third
s is to start with a decision.
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And so I thought, here's how
I came up with my decision.
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How do I want to feel?
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That's going to help you
decide how you want to feel.
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So when I thought about that, I
thought I want to feel, um, empowered
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and like I'm loving myself and that
I am, have my boundaries and that I
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can say, um, or I can set my boundary.
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And I, the decision is I don't want to be
worried about how the other person reacts
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to that because I'm not responsible.
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So if I set up a boundary, um,
maybe somebody is not treating me
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politely, my boundary is to stop.
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And just kind of end that conversation,
and I don't even need to tell the
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other person, or maybe if somebody
is asking too much of me to stop it.
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And then what I wanna feel is I wanna
feel, I don't wanna feel guilty.
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That I made the other
person feel uncomfortable.
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And let me tell you, that might sound
simple, but for a people pleaser like me,
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who's oh, 40 and beyond, um, it's hard.
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I, I was raised a people pleaser.
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I, that is my life.
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And so I think that if I ha hold the
boundary, that then I am responsible
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for how that other person feels.
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And I'm not, and that isn't, that
is not being, um, evil or mean.
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It's being loving because.
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Love your neighbor as yourself.
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Oh, who else is there to love yourself?
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And I forget that so many times,
yes, you can love your neighbor.
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It doesn't mean that you don't love
someone when you're, when you're
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protecting yourself, only you know what
you can handle, what your boundaries
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are, how you need to be treated.
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And, and kindness is so important
to me that I am, um, because
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I've been burned in the past.
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Um.
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With unkindness.
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And um, it's funny 'cause I was working
on my book today and I was reading
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about a friendship in the past that
really burned me and it was not kind.
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And if I could have set that
boundary up sooner, there
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would've been less suffering.
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That's why we have these three S's.
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We don't wanna suffer.
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We want less suffering.
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So if you can sit in stillness and feel
that feeling, go to my website, grab
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that feelings wheel if you need it.
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Name it.
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Get close to it, surrender it,
walk with the God of the universe,
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who's got everything under control.
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We need to let go a little bit.
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So if you can surrender that and
then start with the decision, the
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decision on how you feel is yours.
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And so I, so my decision is I want to,
I want to stand firm in my boundaries.
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Because I'm important and I love me,
and I can be loving to the other person,
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and I don't want to worry about how
they feel because I can't control that.
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That's their journey.
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That's not mine.
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I wanna just give that worry
about how they feel to God.
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Okay, so the next step in that soul method
is the o and it's own your thoughts.
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It's all about your thoughts.
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So behind every feeling that we
have is a thought or a belief.
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And so mine is, um, maybe some
of the thoughts that I have
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that have neuropathways burned
into my brain is I'm not worthy.
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Um.
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To be considered because I need
to please the other person.
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So there's, uh, there's
a piece of unworthiness.
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Um, there's, uh, also thoughts of, um,
I control how the other person feels.
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That's not true.
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We're in charge of our own feelings.
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So you can stop being a victim
too, because you get to be
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in charge of how you feel.
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You can.
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Take the stance and be strong.
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It doesn't mean we're not
going to go through hard things
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and some feelings are hard.
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I know hard.
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I've sat in hard for a long time.
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Um, and sometimes you have to, uh, but,
and sometimes you can work through it.
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Um, I'm not saying that there
aren't big things that shake your
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rock, your world, and you have to
sit with it for a while because.
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I've done, I've been
there, I've done that.
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If you're going through a divorce,
um, something hard with your kids, a
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diagnosis, whatever it is, that's hard.
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That rocks your world and you
have to kind of sit in that heart.
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And here's the thing.
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I wish I could say that I can,
you know, keep the hard from
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coming, but we know it's biblical
hard things are going to happen.
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And so I just want to give you this.
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To stand alongside of you so that
when the hard comes, you'll be a
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little bit equipped to suffer less.
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I hope that makes sense.
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So, okay.
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Own your thoughts.
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So I am owning the thought that, um, I
think that I believe maybe other people's
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needs are more important than mine.
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That's a belief that I have.
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My family's needs are
more important than mine.
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The decision that I wanna make about that
is I don't wanna feel like that anymore.
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I wanna feel like
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I need to take care of me, and I
need to be treated loving, and I
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need to take care of that hard mind.
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And then I can overflow
with kindness and service.
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And I think there's a, there's
an a podcast, uh, called with the
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woman who wrote the selfish year.
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It's so good.
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And she talked about how she just
decided to take a year and be selfish.
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She actually ended up being more
giving and service oriented.
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Than she had ever been in her life.
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It's so true that you have to put
your oxygen mask on first in order to
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be able to serve God and your family
and in your work or your passion.
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You gotta take care of yourself.
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And I want to start believing that.
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And you wanna know what I don't.
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I wish I did, but I don't.
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So I'm working towards it.
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So.
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These, owning your thoughts
and beliefs means that you
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actually need to believe it.
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So if I'm not gonna believe that my
needs, um, matter as much as my families
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or my friends, I can, I can believe
that I am a woman who's beginning
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to believe that my needs are just
as important as all those around me.
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I can hold onto that.
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If I can hold onto that, that feels way
better than thinking that everyone else's
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needs are more important than my own.
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So that's already helping me.
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So owning your thoughts is
looking at what the thought is
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behind that feeling, and then.
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Looking at, is that thought
true or is it serving me?
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So I don't think I told you
that step when we did it.
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So when I was thinking other
people's needs are more important
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than mine, is that true?
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No, it's not true.
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So obviously right there, it's a lie.
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Um.
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And I could come up
with a lot of arguments.
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Well, sometimes in the moment,
their needs are more than yours.
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Well, whatever that is.
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But so that is the belief.
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So is it true and is it serving you?
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And sometimes something will
be true, and then you have to
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ask, well, does it serve me?
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And is it making me feel good?
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And if it's not, you can work on
changing that because you want it,
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you want your thought to serve you.
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Um, and how we can get there
is the, you use your strengths.
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So I'm know your strengths, know yourself,
and that's where you sit in stillness.
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Um, and I've taken lots of courses
and, and tests and, um, learned that,
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and just knowing I'm a people pleaser.
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Well, that means I have empathy, so I can
use empathy and I can use it on myself.
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So I can say, oh, Lisa, it makes
sense that you have that feeling
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that everybody else's needs
are more important than yours.
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That makes sense with how you, you
know, you grew up and the girl that
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you are and the people pleaser you are.
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It makes complete sense.
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That's having empathy
and it's neutralizing it.
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So there's lots of, um, strengths that
we have and we're gonna go into those
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deeper in another, um, podcast episode.
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But just know, you know, you
have wisdom in you and use that.
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A lot of times we use it for other people.
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Use it on yourself.
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Use that empathy, use that, um, ingenuity
your intelligence, use it for yourself.
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Um, and then the next, the last,
this is, this is always my favorite
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and it's the one that I always
wanna just jump to lead with.
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Aligned action, lead with action.
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And I think I led my whole
life with action before.
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And that's not, that didn't do
it, it fixed it for a second.
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That's the mediator in me.
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Let me fix this right now.
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Let me figure this out.
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So once you go through all of those
feelings and you get to, you get through
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all those steps and you see what the
real issue is, then you, then you say,
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what's one thing that I can do moving
forward that's going to help me feel.
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Like my needs matter.
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Okay.
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So like in my situation, I'm thinking
I'm going to do something nice for myself
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today, and I'm gonna, actually, I don't
have it down right now, but I'm going
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to actually think of, well, I'm gonna
go grab my favorite coffee at Starbucks.
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That's like making my
needs important to me.
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So that's one action that I can take.
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And I am gonna take it and I'm not
gonna feel guilty about it, and I'm
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gonna go get that coffee that I love
and, um, just thoroughly enjoy it.
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And that's the action that I'm going
to take that's going to lead me to
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realize one simple thing on this
journey, to help me realize that my
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needs matter as much as everyone else's.
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And if I want to be used by God in
this world and to use, um, my gifts, my
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passions, then I've gotta fuel me and
I need to really start believing that.
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So this is just.
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One little, I kind of coached myself
with y'all here using that Soul Method.
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It's on my website.
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Um, you can go look at it there.
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You can book a session with me.
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You can join that Divorce
Clarity 40 plus Group.
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I am here for you and I wanna
help you suffer less, especially
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through this holiday season.
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You take good care and thank
you so much for being here.