Work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a biblical worldview in mind. Find series resources at https://www.pursuegod.org/steps-to-recovery-series.

Speaker 3 00:00:43 Okay? Yeah. Step nine says, made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

Speaker 2 00:01:43 Yeah. One of the other things we're gonna be talking about at the end of the podcast, so make sure to listen all the way to the end, because we're gonna talk about the five apology languages. I think that's a real practical application to the, to today's topic. You know, there was, there was a book years ago that most of us have read for our marriages about the five love languages. A whole idea there is that everybody has a love language, one or two love languages, the way that they receive love. And the whole idea is that you need, you better know your spouse's love language because it might be different from yours. And if you just love them in your love language, they're not gonna feel loved. So you need to learn to love them in their love language. Well, I think it was the same authors that came up with an apology language book that has the same basic idea.

Speaker 1 00:03:22 Yeah. I think that, you know, when we were writing this lesson, um, what came to mind was, James, you know, the book of James, the famous verse says, faith without Works is dead. And actually, in the big book of aa, they actually quote that surprisingly, you know, they quote that Faith without works is dead. Um, and so the reality is, is if we're going to, you know, go around and, you know, we've had this spiritual awakening and we've, we've got this higher power, who is the God of the Bible and all the work that we have done up into this point, the changing from the inside out, our new faith, okay? As Christians, if we're gonna go now, run around and, and say, I have, I'm a Christian now, my life has changed, I'm better. I'm no longer doing all those things. Um, if, if we're gonna just say that, but our life hasn't changed, if we haven't tried to do anything to make some of those things right, we still have these people in our lives that, that we've hurt, and they haven't got to experience any of the, any of the benefit of our life change, then what good is that?

Speaker 3 00:04:54 Yeah. Yeah. We still have the consequences of our actions, right? And, and the greatest consequences that we've had as addicts are the relationships that we've, that we've damaged. And I think this is, you know, like Brian, you were talking about making fun of us for taking so long to get to this, this point where we're, you know, actually doing something visible to other people. Mm-hmm. , this is the step where we really are doing something that that is visible to other people. And I think it, it really is such a big deal. Um, and that's why, you know, it, it, it takes a lot of preparation. It takes a lot of humility, it takes a lot of, um, just gaining some of that strength from the Lord to be able to do this step. And so that's why I think it's broken up into these two steps, eight and nine, because this is a hard step. It really is. And it takes some preparation. It takes, um, doing it right the first time as well, right? Making sure we've really narrowed down on the people we need to make amends to, um, and knowing how to make amends as well. Like, we're gonna talk about those apology languages later. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 00:06:15 I like to call it the Eric Standard version.

Speaker 1 00:07:46 Yeah. I like to call it, it's the evidence of our faith. And that's what I really believe that James was getting to, um, when he said Faith without works is dead. Um, it's, it's, it's saying that you can say that you have all this faith. You can run around and say that you're a Christian and your life's been changed, and you're a different person now. But if fruit isn't coming out of your life, if, if there isn't an honest and earnest desire to want to go and do good, um, if you're not compelled to wanna follow God's way, the Jesus way, if you're not compelled to wanna, um, love, love God and love others, then something's wrong. You know? So those are called works, you know? Mm-hmm. , but faith comes before works, but then we prove our faith by our works. And in this instance, if we have true remorse and true, um, evidence of the spirit in our lives, we're gonna want to go and say, you know what?

Speaker 3 00:09:24 Yeah. I think that's exactly what it is. It's that evidence of the changes in us, right? I like, um, you know, Eric, you're always using like Jim references, right? And, um, I, I think about this as, you know, somebody saying, well, I, you know, now I'm, I'm this different person who, who exercises all the time, but, and I go to the gym every single day, . And if they're still, if you're not seeing physical changes,

Speaker 3 00:09:50 Uh, and this person, especially

Speaker 3 00:09:54 Exactly. Yeah. You're gonna know, right? And you, and you know, the people who skip leg day for sure. .

Speaker 3 00:10:52 No, because the, the, so the main part of this, the, the, the, the main goal of this is for ourselves, really. And, and I mean, that sounds selfish, but really it is for an addict. The, the, the biggest part of this is to, like, it says, clean your side of the street to do what you can to, to make things right, to write the wrongs that you've committed. Um, and so it becomes more about, about myself doing what I can, um, for my own peace of mind, um, and to live out the life that God's led me to live out now. Um, and, but, you know, we do, the goal is hopefully in the end for those relationships to be repaired, but that's not the main goal. That's it. It's, it's hopefully a benefit that comes out of it, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 1 00:12:40 Mm-hmm. , you know, they might even not be believers. And so we can't expect that they would have the forgiveness of Jesus, you know, the maturity and forgiveness of Jesus to be, and the, the emotional capacity to be able to just lay things down and let 'em go. Although we know that that's a biblical thing. And so we go out there, you know, especially to the Christians in our life that we've harmed and, and we go saying, Hey, I know that hopefully God will help convict them, that they should forgive me. But, but we've gotta be humble enough to say, well, maybe they're not gonna be able to handle it, and that's okay. Maybe they're still stuck in bitterness and they're not where I'm at spiritually, or they're not ready yet, and I can't expect that from people. What I gotta do is make sure that I do my part, I clean my side of the street.

Speaker 2 00:14:25 Scripture says, as much as it is up to you, do everything you can to be at peace with other people. I love that because it says you can't, like you said, Eric, you can't control someone else's response. I mean, remember, you've been going through this process for weeks, maybe months. That other person is include, probably clued into that they haven't been thinking about this and making lists and processing. So recognize that you need to, you might need to kind of catch them up to where you are and where the journey has brought you. It might take them some time to get to that same place. It might take weeks or months or years to get to the place where they can really, genuinely forgive you. That's not even the point. The point is, as much as is, as it up to, as it is up to you, try to be reconciled.

Speaker 3 00:16:17 Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Well, that's, that's what this really is. It's being, it's taking responsibility for that, right? We, and, and this whole idea of we can't control other people. , you don't know if they're ever going to come seek an apology from you. Right. I that just, and really that's not, uh, natural to most people who have known you, if you are an addict and have lived this life of addiction, that they're not going to expect you to apologize for much of anything. Mm-hmm. So, um, yeah. It, it, it is, this is, this is a step that is really taking responsibility for your recovery. It's, it's showing that I am taking responsibility and ownership for it now.

Speaker 2 00:18:23 All right. Now, one, one more thing I want to make sure to talk about before we close with the five apology languages and get really practical about this. You guys say, Eric, in the lesson, you say, you must be willing to go to any length

Speaker 1 00:19:24 Yeah. I think, you know, actually I have a great picture of that analogy is that Jesus wants us all to become pirates, you know, with an eye patch and a hand, a hook for . You

Speaker 1 00:19:43 Yeah. Um, yeah, no, you know, exactly what you said is true going to any lengths, which might mean pain. And I think when we think about making amends and going to have to have hard conversations, right? I think for addicts, we have self-medicated and we have used to escape hard conversations and to deal with these issues, right? We've, we've, that's been our default. And so now we're being pushed to a point where it's kind of a, kind of a dangerous situation, really. I mean, there could be danger of relapse because of the stress thinking about it, the stress of thinking about having to go do something that's so hard that normally you would just, you know, try to forget

Speaker 1 00:20:31 Self-medicate. Yeah. Um, but if, if we really wanna have victory, then we should be willing to take it to length that we've never gone before. I mean, we took it so far in our addiction, we were willing to put all of our zeal and our passion to go, you know, get our fix, whatever, that was our obsession. Um, how much, you know, more could we recover if we took even some of that effort and just put it towards doing the right thing instead of the wrong thing. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 00:22:12 And in that, in doing so, the fear is, is that we might come into some conflict that might, might be com might be uncomfortable, we might have to experience some pain and some suffering and rejection, the fear of rejection that so many addicts have. And this is beautiful, um, because our, our example should come from Christ. And so in one Peter two 20 through 23, I just want to read this, it's so beautiful, actually starting in verse 21, for God called you to do good, even if it means suffering just as Christ suffered for you, he is your example, and you must follow his steps. He never sinned nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted nor threaten revenge when he suffered, he left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. You see, Jesus was our example, even though he had nothing to make amends for.

Speaker 2 00:24:06 That's good. All right, well, let's get practical then. Let's, why don't we end this topic or this podcast, at least let's end this on a practical note, the five apology languages. Remember, just like love languages, there's a certain way someone else might give and receive love, and it might be different than the way we give and receive love. Apologies. Languages are are the same way. You might, you might need a certain thing in an apology from someone in order to really feel like it counts, and it might be different than what they need. So it's helpful just to, I don't think this is an exhaustive list, by the way, of these five apology languages, but I think it's helpful to use this as a framework to say, oh, okay, I didn't realize that there's a different way. So even as we go through this, guys, think about what your apology language might be.

Speaker 2 00:25:52 Pay a price. Number four, we're gonna call it genuine repentance. These are the people who want to know the specific things you'll do differently next time. Like, I'm going to do it differently. It's not, you know, these are the people who think that words are cheap, right? Talk is cheap. And then number five, requesting forgiveness. So these are the people who want you to say, will you forgive me? Will you please forgive me? So why don't we just start with this question, guys. As I read those five to you, is there one of 'em that is your apology language? Is there one of 'em that really jumps out and says, that's the one that really resonates with me?

Speaker 2 00:27:21 That's probably helpful, huh?

Speaker 2 00:27:24 Yeah. That's actually my, my lowest one. I wh when somebody comes in, in a and asks for forgiveness and they say, will you forgive me? They want me to say it back to them. For some reason, that kind of bothers me. I'm not really sure why that bothers me. So I think that just shows that that's not high on my list. The, the, for me, the higher one on the list is I wanna know that they're taking responsibility when they're asking me to forgive them. I, to me, I feel, it feels like it's not about them anymore. I think it needs to be about them. They need, I wanna make sure you know what you did wrong and that you are gonna accept it and own it. My kids hate that. I'm always telling them, own it. You need to own it. I want you to own it. Mm-hmm. don't, you're not the victim. I want you to own it. So anyway, that's mine.

Speaker 3 00:29:25 .

Speaker 1 00:29:27 Doing something different, which would probably be

Speaker 3 00:30:16 Yeah. And I think as we're reading through these, I think going and making amends, I mean, as we're reading through each one of these, I think you do kind of need to hit on each one. You really need to understand the emotional pain you've caused. You need to take responsibility, right? And, and you do need to make restitution in some way or another. Um, and, and I think maybe that's something to express too, in making amends, I, I think hitting on all of these is, is important to, to do in the process of making amends.

Speaker 1 00:31:19 Yeah. I think that that's more of a kind of a outward emotive response. You know, like you can visually see the, the pain or the struggle on a person's face in their voice. You know, the way that they say things, how they say things, the words that they say. I think that's, that's one visual way that you'd be able to help express regret that, that I would, again, admit like expressions for me are, are really hard. You know, like, I don't know.

Speaker 3 00:32:16 And it's, and it's acknowledging the emotional pain, right? Yeah. It's actually expressing that verbalizing Yeah. The pain that you have caused. Yeah.

Speaker 3 00:33:21 Well, I think this would be where I would , you know, in my apology express that this is, this is, uh, all my doing. I know that, um, I, I know that, um, I'm, the, on i, there, there are no excuses, right? Mm-hmm. , I have, I have no excuse. I did this, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 00:34:00 Yeah.

Speaker 3 00:34:14 Yeah. The, the things that you could use for excuses for anything should, shouldn't be part of any part of your apology. Ever. .

Speaker 1 00:34:34 Well, I think, I mean, practically one of the most obvious examples is if you, you caused some kind of monetary damage or you stole from someone, or, you know, cost somebody a lot of money is to be able to pay back money if you could, um, or to fix something that you broke in anger, you know? Mm-hmm. , I've met so many people that have, you know, punched walls, broken doors, broken things, you know, thrown things out the window mm-hmm. , you know, in fights and conflict and, and stuff like that. And so in my, in my situation, you know, but one of the things comes up as like, the things that I did to my parents, I don't know that I could ever possibly repay them monetarily. I mean, that would be, you know, I would be, I'd be broke , they did so much for me that, that, and I don't think kids could ever repay their parents Yeah. For the things that they do. Yeah. Um, and I want to, I have a genuine heart to want to be generous to them and stuff, but sometimes you, you can't pay back all that you did in that type of a way, but at least, you know, making an effort.

Speaker 2 00:35:44 And maybe even just saying that, just saying, mom and dad, I could never pay you back. And they're probably not asking for it. Right? Yeah. Because how, how do you even put a price tag on that? But maybe just to say, but, but my, I, you know, I hope my life is a, is part of that. Mm-hmm. , I hope the, you know, the life I live. All right. Number four, genuine repentance. What would genuine repentance look like in your apology? What would that, how would you genuinely repent?

Speaker 2 00:36:39 That's good. And then finally, number five, this is yours, mark. So speak to this requesting forgiveness. Um, how would you, are you saying that at the end of all this, you come and you, you, you try to do these things. You, uh, you express regret, you take ownership, you, you articulate that you wanna make restitution, you genuinely repent and show them the stuff that you're gonna be doing differently, and you're inviting them to hold you accountable to it. Are you saying at the end of this, you should say to them, will you please forgive me?

Speaker 2 00:37:38 Okay. So if they say, if they say, I, I don't know if I can, I, I'm not sure if I thank you for saying all this, but I'm not, I'm, I need some time. Are you gonna sit there and push and say, no, wait, I need you to, Eric, I think you said this last week, I need to hear it. Crystal, will you forgive me? Will you say the words?

Speaker 2 00:38:06 Well, but that's, that's my point, right? Because I could see, I could see in your zeal as a recovering addict that you're gonna not, you're not gonna let this go until they forgive you. And I guess my, I would say, you guys tell me if I'm wrong, I would say, no, that's not, you need to clean your side of the street. You can say, will you forgive me? But if they're hesitant, don't push that. Maybe that's not, maybe that's not the time.

Speaker 1 00:38:40 Yeah. I think though that it is being clear at the end of the day. I mean, making amends, that's kind of buttoning up the whole thing. Like, I am being clear here. This is what I'm asking of you. And I know that it's a hard thing, you know, to ask for forgiveness for all the things that I've done wrong. But just clearly I am trying to better myself. I am trying to follow the Lord. And I'm asking clearly, will you, will you forgive me? And if you won't, that's okay. I'm gonna move on from this because I'm cleaning my side of the street, and I can understand if you won't, um, and some people won't forgive you. Mm-hmm. , I mean, that's just the honest truth is that there might not be people that offer us forgiveness or are able to do it, um, the Jesus way.

Speaker 3 00:40:08 , I think, I think, yeah, on that line, I think the greatest apology is to make your life, um, one that reflects Christ, right? One that honors God. That's the greatest apology that that can be had. And some people will see that over time.

Speaker 1 00:40:42 All right? It says this, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest and selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us. What we could not do for ourselves are these extravagant promises. We think not they're being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.