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How Do I Guide My Child Through Something That I Am Still Struggling With?
Episode 715th September 2021 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
00:00:00 00:18:47

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Professors are experts before they teach something. They go to school, get degrees and graduate in order to teach, but in parenthood, we have to teach as we are still learning.

What are the 2 keys to doing this?

Listen to this episode to uncover these two keys and how your own “quirks” like self-doubt, self-consciousness, anxiety, lack of patience, etc. can be stopped in their tracks so the trait doesn’t have to get passed onto the next generation.

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor. 

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live. 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. ) 

 

LINKS:

Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/   

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

 

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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and reason kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is mellie harden. Big City girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch Mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build self flood discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go.

Nellie Harden:

Hi, everyone. Wow, welcome back to another episode of the 6570 a family project podcast you guys. I am excited about this topic today. Because I feel like it comes up so much in my life in my coaching my family coaching clients life and in the world out there where I'm serving as well. And that is how do I guide my kiddo my child through something that I am still struggling with myself? So the quick and easy answer. And if I could just like write a write up a prescription and hand it to you and everything was hunky dory is vulnerability and self love leadership. There you go. Everything is good, right? Not so much. You're like, Okay, well, what do I do with that.

Nellie Harden:

And so for me, I want to give you some examples of how this looks in my own life, because maybe you can be on the same frequency as that. And so for me, it is my temper, you know that for one yelling, having little to no patience now, like not violent by any means or getting that but I definitely don't have as much patience as I would like to have. I have for sure grown over time. But especially when the kiddos were young, and I had four kids and four and a half years. And that cohort, if you will, that cohort of children going through was a really a lot of strain for a while I had my first and then I had twins two and a half years later. And then I had one more that that was born the day after the twins second birthday. And so that was just a lot. And it's amazing because people look at me and they looked at our family and they're like, Oh, you have so much patience. But I didn't feel like I had patience. I wasn't patient on the inside, right on the inside. I was having those nerves going back and forth. And oh, I gotta do this. I gotta do that. Oh, can you please stop? You know, there was one time let me know if you've ever had these crazy situations.

Nellie Harden:

I am grocery shopping with four kids were going down the aisle and I had this this funky way that I would push two carts at the same time. So I would be pushing a cart. And my right hand would be my let's see index finger and middle finger and thumb would be on the first cart and then my ring finger and pinky finger would be dragging another cart behind us that had more of the bucket seats in them with more kids and so between kids and room that was leftover in those carts, I get all our groceries in there. Where was internet shopping back then. I mean really, today I just go online and order my groceries I pull up and they put them in my trunk. That was not a thing back then I really wish it was but I had to do this funky thing. And the twins were in the backyard and I had the baby and my older one was walking I believe and anyway I look back at some point and those twins are sitting back there. They're eating a stick of butter. I was so grossed out you guys I was so grossed out I was like what are you doing? Where did you get that? These are groceries we haven't even paid for them yet and you're sitting back here eating butter. Oh and it was everywhere. It was everywhere. It's so gross. So again, wish I would have been having a little bit more patience during that time. I mean, I didn't like full on set security wasn't called or anything like that.

Nellie Harden:

But I could have probably handled a little handled it a little bit better and And what, what really happens though is you start seeing some of these quirks, if you will, that you have that might not be your very best traits, you start seeing them in your kids. And then that is the biggest trigger. And it's nothing big, just maybe a little irritability, maybe a little impatience with a sibling. And it was enough to stop me in my tracks to be like, Oh, and I needed to intentionally turn a corner again. And again, and again, bringing awareness to it, being cognizant of that and making the change because of it, right self love, leadership and discipline right there. And I wish I had practice for myself in order to then help them practice but what are some other examples? For me? It is me and my anxiety, right? I am. I am a total introvert which many people don't believe but I am an introvert that can be extroverted. Sometimes I think there's actually In fact, I know there is there is a introverted extrovert I guess that's how you could class me, what I really see is that I am a total introvert that in order to fulfill the mission that I have, that has been placed on my heart, I have to get out there.

Nellie Harden:

And so my, my need and my drive, and my calling has to be a wave that washes over my introversion sometimes and so that's why I see it, but it still causes uncomfortableness, summon that anxiety. Me and not enough. Were really good friends. Me and not enough. Me and self consciousness. Another good friend of mine, I wouldn't say a close friend, I wouldn't say a good friend, and me and self doubt, right? Those are big ones that I struggle with, for sure. But the thing is, is they can't help but come out of you. You can try to bottle things in on the inside, but they always seep to the surface always. And our kids mirror what they see, I mean better for worse, they mirror what they see. So the big takeaway is, if you want them to pivot away from your quirks, or you're not as great habits as you would like, you have to pivot first. Because they are mirroring mirroring you.

Nellie Harden:

So if you want them to pivot away from these habits and hang ups that you have, you have to pivot first. There is literally no other way. You are, I'm sorry, who you are is how we lead. That is a quote from Bernie Brown, you guys I love, love, love Bernie Brown. I've read all the books right now I am reading the latest one dare to lead. I love Bernie Brown, I worked in her programs for a year and a half. There, you know, was a time that she had me up on the screen. And I was like, Oh my goodness, like fangirl moment of Rene Brown, she has TED Talks out there you guys read Bernie Brown, watch Bernie Brown, it is so so good. I've built so much of who I am, and in overcoming who I was, through those experiences with Rene Brown. But again, she says, who we are is how we lead. So again, if you want them to pivot away, you have to pivot first. And I'm going to keep repeating that because that's a hard one to sink in. And we understand we need to understand as adults and teach our kids, right, because we are building them we are planning and designing and overseeing the building of who they are and their experience in the childhood arena, if you will, so that they can set up a weekend help set up a foundation that they can launch life with, right. So that is our teaching, that is our training, that is our leadership as parents, and understanding and teaching that there is no finish line, there is no finish line, there is never going to be a point that I can, you know, swipe my hands back and forth and say, all done with self doubt, oops, all done with, you know, not feeling like I'm enough, it is always a constant. And if they can realize that young, they can stop trying to race to a finish line that doesn't exist.

Nellie Harden:

And so understanding, understanding and teaching that there is no finish line and that we are all moving because guess what time is moving in a direction. You just need to choose what direction you're going in. And a great example of this I feel like is the silent treatment. Okay, so same action over a different amount of time. So if you give someone the silent treatment, which I'm not, I'm not saying you should or this is a good thing. This is just an example for this to prove a point. If you give someone a silent treatment, or you're getting one from someone for five minutes, that's a lot different than getting one from someone for five years, right? Same action, just a different amount of time. And so what we need to understand and how we're leading, and what we're doing in there is that there is no finish line, we're always moving forward, it's just are we moving forward in a good direction, are we moving forward in a not so good direction, one that serves us, others in the world around us, or one that doesn't serve us, others and the world around us, right. And we are living together as a family, you are living in a home with your family in somewhere some capacity, right. And the more we can break down those separations of this is my life. And that is your life, the better we can keep ourselves in that leadership position. And we're gradually feeding them hand over hand, this rope of leadership that they can then take with themselves when they leave home.

Nellie Harden:

But if I'm living my life separately, and you're living and your child is living their life, separately, maybe your spouse is living their life separately, then you're just living in an apartment complex, you're not living in a home, you're not living in a family, a family works together, a family is a team, a family can depend on one another can talk to one another can connect with one another and can be in that place that they are their true selves. Without having on as again another Bernie brown ism, if you will, without having the armor on that we need to have, or we feel like we need to have out in the world. That is what our family is. And so knowing and being vulnerable, and talking about these things, and leading yourself in the right direction. So they learn how to lead themselves in the direct in the right direction, but being vulnerable enough to be like, You know what? I I'm 42. And I'm really struggling with some self doubt today. And they're like, wow, I'm 13. And I'm really struggling with some self doubt today, maybe we do have some commonality. And really talking about that is to this is how I'm dealing, I'm dealing with self doubt today.

Nellie Harden:

You know what, this is my challenge. This is what I'm gonna do about it. And this is what I'm going to try, right, I might fail along the way, that's okay, I'm going to rise back up. And I'll try that again, or I'll try something different. But breaking down those barriers of separatists in the family is so so important. And General, generational change is best enacted with the parents, not the kids, I want to repeat that generational change is best enacted with the parents, not the kids, those consistent life lessons woven into everyday conversations and actions are where there that's going to happen. I mean, think about as an adult, any of those changes that you had to make, you had to break up some concrete, you have to like break a sweat, you had to get the sore muscles, the heart, the the brain, the sweat, all of the things tears, most likely, all of the things in order to break through this cement of what was being formed or what was formed in your childhood. But if you can pivot first, then you can have them pivot that much easier. And then their core beliefs are cemented in. And it's part of what is their their platform to launch life with not part of what is weighing them down in their life later on. And it is so much harder to do it that way.

Nellie Harden:

But you guys I have this new it's not it's not a document. It's a new series, a question series, that for those of you in the family success, volts, those of you family successful members, it is right in there top of the page. And these are 12 questions that I promise you will break down walls, build connections, and have you answer things that you might not have ever even questioned before. You might not have even fathom the answers for them before. But I want you to go in it is 12 questions that you will be that will be delivered to you over 30 days. And these are big questions. They're small questions, big results. These are 12 Mini questions that will change what is happening in your home because it will change what's happening in your heart and mind. I can't wait to share these with you go there. Now if you're not already a vault member remember it's just Nelly harden comm slash vault, sign up to become a vault member of family success vault member and get your Hands on this right away, you will be so happy that you did. And if you're already a vault member, congratulations and it is in there for you ready my heart to yours, my this parenting soul to your parenting soul, this architect to you, I want to be able to give you this tool, and I spread it out over time. So you have some time to think about these within or between each one of these emails that you're going to receive. So be sure to go and grab those 12 questions in the vault right away. And I am going to sit here and just think about how we can further help ourselves how we can further help our kids. It's what I do every morning. It's why I journal It's why I read it is I am better at leading myself and self led discipline and leadership and then turning around pivoting so I can help them and have that be in the cement of their childhood. Okay, you guys, I hope you guys got so much out of this today. But remember, if you want them to pivot, you need to pivot first. That's the best way to do it. That's the absolute best way to do it. Okay, you guys. Happy Day. Happy building and I'll see you next time.

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