Ian Hawkins 0:02
Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfilment and contribution, to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it, and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the and Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.
Do you find yourself taking on too much doing things that are in other people's best interest, but not your own. Ending up going down a whole path of of danger trying to be everything to everyone else, and not necessarily looking after your own backyard. Wondering why sometimes that you've taken on different tasks or you've taken on different feelings from other people that just aren't yours, like people have maybe attacked you for something, people come at you for some particular reason. And then if you're left wondering, like, I've just changed my own day, because of someone else's agenda that they've somehow managed me to get, get got me to buy into. And you're left feeling like shit, because that wasn't what you wanted for you for your day for, for your best interest. And unfortunately, we've grown up in a world where most of us from around my generation where controls been a big thing. We've been told what to do told how to behave. And then when it wasn't to the person's liking in our world, they found ways to manipulate us, right? Maybe guilt us into it, pressure us into it. They're all different elements of control. And they see that same pattern will play out in your older years, you'll end up in this behaviour loop that keeps repeating. And no matter how hard you try to break, that pattern of control still ends up in the same place. And it just has become so hardwired, you may even find that you are repeating that same pattern to other people, you're actually trying to control other people, instead of letting them have their own way you may find there are times when and we've all been guilty of this, of trying to manipulate other people. And it's only when you are able to have that self awareness and made even pointed out to you from an external source. That that's what's playing out for you. You're trying to control other people or you are being controlled by other people, you've been manipulated into different things that aren't in your best interest. So how do we create? How do we say change that behaviour loop create an all human behaviour. And that's what we need is a circuit breaker. So a circuit breaker is plays two roles, it it retrains our subconscious mind our patterning, so that we're able to create a whole new way so that people's old patterns that have come and had us doing things we didn't want to we'll, we'll be immune to them. And we'll also be able to retrain people on how we need to be treated. If we keep showing up the same way, then what we're saying to people, is that okay, that you can continue to show up that way for me, and I'll continue to roll over or do whatever that you need to do at the expense of my own best interest. So, how do we create a circuit breaker? So first, we look at what what is the pattern that plays out? Like, what when you reverse engineering back from well, I did this thing. Apologies for the helicopter. I did this thing
Unknown Speaker 4:35
where I really didn't want to do okay, so
Ian Hawkins 4:38
what played up before that? Well, there was certain pressure or certain conversation or a certain situation that's happened many times before okay. Is a certain type of person involved was a certain type of reaction from me. From you, sorry. And and what what is it actually that that Had you wanting to take that action? So what? Since was feeling in the body, it's like, oh, geez, I want to, I feel obliged to help this person, I don't want to let them down. For me, that was a big one, I didn't want to let people down. And I know for the clients, I've helped through this, it's been the same thing. They want to be that person that helps out, they want to be helpful. They want to be the bigger person, which is great. Just not, not to your own detriment. So the circuit breaker is what at what point? Do you need to have a different reaction. And at what point there can you say, I want to change things up. And when you when you can identify that, then you can actually start going through processes, your own processes. So when that same conversation, that same situation arises, you start to realise that, Okay, at this point, I'm actually going to take a different path, I'm going to choose a different way of reacting to that, I'm going to stand in my power, I'm gonna stand in my strength, I'm going to know that what is most important for me is the most important thing and have clear step by step plan on how to do that. So when that comes situation comes up again, one of the key things might be allowing yourself that space to just take some deep breaths, and unwind might be to say, I'll come back to you tomorrow on that I can't make a decision on that right now. So the 24 hour rule is a big one. And it might be just saying, look, I've got a bit going on at the moment that I just need to deal with within myself. So I can't give you an answer that on that at a different time. Now, at that point, the people who in the past have manipulated, you may come with a stronger push a another way of trying to word the same thing they might, because they're not used to this sort of reaction from just that ability to go, Look, I don't want to go into it at the moment, I've got some stuff I've got to work through, I've got to address, I need to get clear on that. I need to have a look at my diary, my calendar, whatever it is, and just sticking to whatever you've written in your process, whatever you're clear on, so that you can just keep going back to that. So it's not about trying to control them by pushing back and telling them how they should behave. It's about what self control can you bring to the situation? How can you address that in a different way, so that you are showing to them that this is I'm not tolerating that anymore. This is how I'm going to show up from now on. And not directly saying to them that you're training, when you do this consistently that that old pattern for you is not going to show up again. So just having a clear, a clear, having clarity on how you're going to address that situation, the next one, and then having the discipline to follow your process. And then also to have the discipline to review what either went well, or or didn't go so well, and go well, did I allow myself to fall into that trap of manipulation again, or did I or was able to do it differently was able to introduce my own circuit breaker to create a whole new pattern and behaviour for myself a pattern that actually leads me feeling better. And really, you're doing them a disservice by allowing them to, to manipulate you because they'll they'll keep doing that same pattern. And they won't feel great about how that all unfolds either because they're not actually getting to where they want to get to. So by being able to stand in your power, you give other people the permission to do that too. Because more often than not, the people who are doing the manipulating are also been manipulated in another space as well. And that might be the case for you too. You may feel like you've been manipulated, there may be other times where we're you have been the manipulator or you are trying to control other people. So by creating this pattern to stop being that victim of, of others control, stepping into your own self control, and you're gonna feel so much better, you're going to have that ability to move past things you have so much more time. And you're just going to build confidence and start having that path towards success and your potential that you really desire. I'll leave it there for today. Have an awesome day. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favourite podcast platform
