In this episode Caitlin MacTavish and I have a vulnerable conversation about the ins and outs of the experience of writing THE TRIFECTA OF JOY book. Writing a book can very much be like the process of birth with its aches, pains, and fears as well as elation, excitement, and anticipation. We discuss the complexities of:

·    Perfectionism

·    The inner critic at work

·    Moving through trauma

·    Letting go

·    The power of your people

·    Gratitude

· The impact of being a helper in the world      

And getting ahead of burnout Caitlin gives her inside view of the book as someone that was part of the feedback and editing process, sharing her own insights gleaned from THE TRIFECTA OF JOY. 2% of sales of the TRIFECTA OF JOY go directly to supporting the Wood’s Homes Youth Shelter.  Kids needs a safe place to be when home and the streets aren’t. Thank you for supporting youth in need!

Pre-order your copy of the Trifecta of Joy here:

https://www.perfectlyimperfect.wtf/trifecta-of-joy-preorder

About the Guest:

Caitlin is a life coach with Perfectly Imperfect Life Coaching and has a passion for spreading sunshine and supporting others to make the most of their lives!  With a focus on young women, she believes every woman deserves to be empowered to make their life meaningful, fun, and inspiring!

Follow her on Instagram and Facebook @Situatedinsunshine

About the Host:

Tanya's mission is to create a legacy of self-love for women that reinforces trust in themselves through our programs, coaching, podcast, and book, The Trifecta of Joy! As Founder and creator of the Trifecta of Joy Philosophy, she combines over 30 years of research and work in various helping fields, to help you achieve your greatest successes!

Using her philosophy of the Trifecta of Joy, her mission is to empower people through their struggles with the elements of awareness, befriending your inner critic and raising your vibe. This podcast is about sharing stories of imperfection moving through life to shift toward possibilities, purpose, and power in your life!

Having had many wtf moments including becoming a widow, struggling with weight and body image issues, dating after loss, single parenting, remarriage, and blending families, Tanya is committed to offering you inspiration and empowerment – body, mind, and spirit!

As a speaker, writer, and coach, Tanya steps into her life’s purpose daily – to INSPIRE HOPE.

Order your copy of the Trifecta of Joy – HELP yourself in a world of change right here.

Get in touch with Tanya and follow the fun and inspiration in other places too!

www.perfectlyimperfect.wtf 

https://www.facebook.com/PerfectlyImperfect.wtf

https://www.instagram.com/perfectlyimperfect.wtf

https://www.linkedin.com/in/tanya-gill-695aa358/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCH9VaHVMPa-Vk0l4LTuc_lQ

https://www.tiktok.com/@perfectlyimperfect.wtf?lang=en

Hugs, Hip Bumps, and Go ahead and SHINE!

Xo Tanya

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Welcome friends to the trifecta of joy. And I am so excited to have you here and to be sharing space with Caitlin. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, Caitlin, we have been on quite a ride together, working together in perfectly imperfect life coaching. And today, I wanted to have you here to have a conversation about this crazy endeavor I've been on and where we are right now. So the big news is that the trifecta of joy, help yourself in a world of change. My first book is coming out soon and available for pre order now.

It is so exciting, it is so exciting. And so in that process, though, you were one of the first people to read the manuscript. And so having read it, I thought it would be cool to have just kind of a conversation about your experience reading it.

one, i;m so honored to be one of the first people to read it. Read it three times already. Um, it was just such a beautiful experience, because I've known you all 26 years of my life. And I felt like I got to know you so much better. And reading all the things you've been through. Yes, you've helped me so much for my stuff. But trying to read it from a standpoint of someone who hasn't had the opportunity to work with you. I feel like you just get so much hope. reading that book, you've been through so many things. And the way you've gone through all of those things, and you've interacted with each of those things, is so much different than if I put myself in that position. You and I were talking about your first conversation with sorts, and I just the way you handled that situation was such I'm sure in the moment, it didn't feel like Grace. But reading back on it like that would never be my thoughts if it didn't tragically died.

Well, and it's so interesting, right? Because in my heart, I had such a I had such a non relationship with God source, the universe, whatever you wanted to call it. And yet I've and yet I also sort of felt a spiritual connection always. So it's, it's very interesting because it for me, it was about dichotomy. And I didn't leave that, like, I didn't believe in God. So therefore, I was just like, I'm spiritual and didn't really touch it. And that night when I sat on that beach, and I write about it, but when I sat on that beach and I was watching other couples walking by in bliss, and I was basked in my own feelings of desperation. Like, I was so angry, like, I really was, I was saying, fuck you, God, like, fuck you. And at the same time, I was begging for help. Because I was just like, I knew I knew I couldn't do it alone. And, and in that moment, as angry as I was, like, I remember just like I asked, I asked source for a way forward, to live with grace, and gratitude and joy.

And I didn't know how, but I knew that I had to trust it. And like, you know, and that, I think, is something that that, you know, you know, you were talking when we were talking about about it. You said, you know how I went to that place? How, how do you think you may have experienced that? I mean, nobody can ever put themselves in that. Those shoes, right? But

no, no one who put themselves in those shoes. I'm like, the only we've talked a little bit on one of the episodes that I had been on, like my partner's suicide attempt, and I know what she was I put myself in then. And I just went into turtle mode, really, I went into my shell, like, I was just mad, I was angry. I went into helping mode I went into because I had something to fix. So I think in that situation, I just go into full desperation and sadness, really, I just, I could never imagine myself reacting in the Okay, like, source, what are we going to do? Well, and you

know what, I think it's really important to acknowledge that what you described is also what happened for me like, so I sat on that beach and I asked source for help. But I was in such a space of trauma that everything was compartment internalized. And again, like I talked about compartmentalizing it in my book, because that's a coping mechanism. Sometimes that's the only thing we have. And it was like, what are the three things I need to do in the next five hours? Like, like literate, and some of them were as basic as remember to feed my kids? Remember to pay my bills, so my electricity and heat don't get cut off. Right? Like, like you do go into that kind of do survival mode? I think. And, and that's okay. It's okay for that to be part of the process. It's just that if autopilot goes on for too long, it gets dangerous, right?

Absolutely. Yeah. I think a lot of people gets when such trauma happens, a lot of people get stuck in that autopilot for a very, very, very long time. And it just takes almost another traumatic event to break that autopilot.

Yeah, and I think that's, that that can be the challenge. You know, if people really allow themselves to process their trauma, to work through their stuff to seek therapy and coaching, the beautiful thing is, is that they don't have to have those massive traumas arrived. Right. And I think that's, that's partly the point of the trifecta of joy is because, you know, what actually happened is, from that place forward, a lot of things happened. And it came to a space for me of hitting burnout, which was very severe. And, and realizing at that point, that I really had to make a change that was going to be for the good for the better. And it needed to be easy, right? And that's what the trifecta of joy is, it's, it's that process of building your awareness, befriending your inner critic, and raising your vibration, and ways to move through it, like actual ways to move through it. And of course, there's lots of talk about perfectionism, right? So if, if, for example, you go back and listen, and this is this is the truth. If you go back and listen to the introduction to season number two, which is the podcast right before this one, so now everybody's gonna go back and listen to it. It ends with me reading something off a card. And there was more. And it disappeared into the universe. And I will tell you the awareness of learning that was like, the perfectionist in me lost her mind. Okay. Now, here's the thing. I'm like, I and I started shitting all over myself, and I talk about shitting in the book, and I should all over myself, like, I should be fixing that. I should be redoing it that I should have checked it. I should have shut up. And it was like, Whoa, right. My inner critic data was losing hermind. And I'm like, okay, like, I'm telling you the biggest pot of crap stew was being served and I had like, I was taking it with a ladle. Like it was ridiculous. Kaitlyn.

Do your listeners know what deja looks like?

Oh, my God. Well, I described her in the book. And she's basically she is deja is my inner critics name and she is the most sexy, coiffed, sleek, beautiful maitre d at a five star restaurant dressed in black, like the most perfectly form fitting suit, like she's just stunning. Black Hair slick in a tight bun, red lipstick. She's like, she's just immaculate. And she serves me shifts do and and so anyway, this week, she's been given me the stew and she's like, I'm not even just picking out. I'm just like, well, well, well, however, right. However, what people will notice if they go back is I made the decision, the conscious decision to let it go. I am perfectly imperfect. If someone is really curious what that's about, and they decide not to follow from this point forward. That is their choice. I know. I'm not going to be for everyone anyway. Right? And so that inner critic, then, you know, even in wanting to fight with me, I'm like, and I get to choose, and this is my choice, and it's done. And now I'm talking about it like, I didn't think I would ever talk about it like you're not even Talking about you're promoting it. Right? You know, and though the point is, is that we are all perfectly imperfect, and nobody, nobody needs to be striving for something that's going to hurt, right?

Well, and you know, what I love, is you're not a do, as I say, not as I do person, like, through the book through this conversation, you are modeling what you are teaching, you're not just saying it, you're living it and like, I think that's pretty badass. You could have changed it and then told everybody be perfectly perfect, it's okay. But instead, it's just there, and it's okay. And you have the conversations with yourself, like we all would have in that situation, and 99% of us would have went back and changed it. It's okay. But you're practicing what you preach. And that's, that's more than okay, that's so much better. Because how is anyone supposed to trust a person? Do as I say, not as I do?

Mm hmm. That's a good point. That's a good point. Thank you for that, for how is someone supposed to trust someone who says Do as I say, not as I do, because, you know, like, building that self trust has been such a huge piece of this process. Right. And, and building self trust is, is, is living intentionally and just paying attention to the little pieces that make life good, make life worthy. And, and you know, and even the little things like, like the habits you have, or the people you interact with, or whatever it is, building that trust within. To me, that has put me in a place where I'm ready to share this very vulnerable piece of me with the world. Right? And, and it's not just the stories like the stories, the stories or the stories, they're there for examples, they're there to, to connect, and to say, hey, like, I love you. I've been there. And I'm human. And so are you. And we're in this together. Right? And also, there are tools in there, like, the tools or the important piece, it's like, you know, you might remember the story, but then you might apply the tools. Yeah. And that's really what matters to me, is that people see this as a springboard into their own lives.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think there's a wonderful set of foundational tools within the book, to create some momentum in people's lives. It's not just stories about your life, there's definitely a lot of tools and great knowledge sprinkled in throughout the whole thing.

Yeah. And you know, like, that was that was a big piece of this is like, what is the trifecta of joy? And how do you create that for yourself? And it doesn't mean you're farting rainbows, right? The trifecta of joy is living life intentionally. And, and living life intentionally with honor, empathy, love and presence in a world that is constantly changing. You've experienced so much change in the last few years. And reality is, is that we're going to continue to experience change. It's like how do we how do we live intentionally and enjoy life as it is, and still create what we want from it?

Yeah, and I think I think it's actually quite the opposite. Like it's not promoting life's rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and all that, I find reading it and applying the tools. It doesn't make my life rainbows and sunshine, it just it makes it so I can cope and deal and move through the hard sticky stuff and come out smiling, instead of having the weight of you know, 5000 bricks on you and just feeling so much more down, right? There's a way to move through it in a more intentional space. And you're giving yourself grace through it and you're not shutting and shitting all over yourself through these hard times. You're just, it's okay, we've got this we'll get through it. It allows you to move through things in a more what's the word I'm looking for? Like it is more positive sense really it is which makes it sound like rainbows and sunshine again, but it just lightens thing as like lightens things up a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, and again, and like that's why this podcast was originally called lighten up and unstuck. You're What the fuck, right? Because it is about lightening up through the what the fox, right. And that is that that's what I talked about and edit. Some of it is so simple right like the vibrational piece, you know that we that we started out talking about, about my conversation with source. And now talking about vibration again, there's so many elements to the ways that we can raise our vibration in simple things. Right. Like, and whether it's prayer and meditation, or it's what we're watching on TV or the music we're listening to. Right? Oh, yeah, you know, and, and really, that space of recognizing that we are all as human beings, perfectly imperfect, flawed, and capable of living a life that is intentional with that awareness, befriending the inner critic, so we can feel good about ourselves with ourselves, like, align that inner and outer world, right? And then and then shine, like raise our vibration and shine. Because that is, that is the point. Like really, when we get right down to it. You know, I am my purpose in this life is to inspire hope. Hope translates to action. I say that right in the book. It's a it's a David Suzuki quote that I put in the book, and I it aligns so deeply with me, because to me, hope is inspiring people to take action to be intentional in their lives. And so inspiring people to be intentional in their lives in this simple way, and giving people a blueprint for it. And being able to say like, when you find and hit those what they ask, there's a way forward without hitting that horrific burnout. Yes. Right. Like the horror of of hitting another trauma and another tragedy without moving through something and then that compression of them building. That's what I I want people to be able to get ahead of for themselves.

Absolutely. And just speaking from like, the current position I'm in, I feel like the principles of it really are helpful to staying ahead of burnout. You know, I've come out of a major burnout. I am like, toeing the line of going back in right now. But I'm staying afloat and I need a float in the most positive sense, right? Like, it's not, I'm scrambling and scrambling like my feet are going crazy into the water like I'm floating. And it's okay, I am taking care of myself, we had this conversation before we even hopped on this week is absolutely nuts. I am working full time. And then I'm working full time on top of my full time. And I'm being very intentional about doing the things still to take care of myself. Because those things keep me from burnout. And those things are the things that I've learned the trifecta.

Thank you. And, and well. And when I say thank you, I see that from two different places. Like I say thank you for appreciating the trifecta of joy. But more importantly, thank you for what you're giving yourself, right? Because by showing up for yourself that way, and for recognizing what matters and placing yourself as a priority in the list, even if it's for a few minutes a day. It does make a difference. And it makes a difference to you how you are experiencing your life in every way right down to your rest right down to you know being able to show up for this. And it allows you then to be able to shine your light because you have light to shine. You're not pouring deep pockets. So thank you for for it for us. And you know what, like, honestly, I'm gonna thank you for audience because I'm glad you're here, man. And you know, I'm so glad you're here.

I'm happy to be here. Thank you. But and also, it's not just for me, right? Like I do it for me, but it affects my people. Because when I'm home, my people feel it. When I'm not home. My people feel it. Yeah. So taking care of ourselves, in turn really does take care of others.

Yeah. And that and taking care of ourselves. Does don't have to be complicated at all, like, you know, and, and we, you know, it's not always a bubble bath or a massage, you know, sometimes it is doing the hard things sitting down and writing out your feelings instead of eating them. Or sometimes it is putting your ass in bed 20 minutes earlier than you really want to because you know, that that you need rest. Right? Like, you know, it doesn't always have to be complicated. And a lot of it is how we are really paying attention to our own needs.

Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes it's 20 minute workout after an eight hour day of standing, and you might not want to, but damn, you feel good after? Yeah, it really isn't complicated. And it really doesn't have to take a lot of time. Because sometimes a five minute meditation does it, sometimes I need an hour or something, sometimes a half hour, you know, it just is really being in tune with yourself and what you need, and giving yourself it

well, and and you know, like with the resources there, the free resources in the book, you know, we actually give you all kinds that like the people who who have the book, get the free resources. And there are all kinds of tools in there, including like, how to move through a the process of of being intentional in your day, for five minutes a day, really, really quickly. So that you are starting your day on a high vibration, feeling prepared and ready. And kind of having more control over your life, but in a way that feels good. Right? By doing things like also identifying what you did, right? Each day.

I think that's a badass way to end your day. Right? I started my day that way or in it, and I'm ending it that way.

That's how you end your day. Yeah, like so. So you know, even that simple resource can make all the difference in how people are showing up. Right. And I Sorry, I have to do just one more little thing, because when I said resource, I'm so excited about the recipe in the resources.

It's a damn good recipe. The book alone for that recipe, I'm just saying.

So for those, so for those who don't know, because probably very few listeners would know, in, in the resources that are downloadable. There is a recipe from my grandma. And she it was there called Joyce's Chocolate Mountains. And you know, it's so funny because I had I had a daughter, I thought I would name her choice. And just the other day, I was like, how incredibly beautiful that my book is called the trifecta of joy, which of course, Joy is rooted in her name. So I just I'm excited about that. Grandma's Chocolate Mountains.

Oh, that'd be good. I have a question for you.

What?

What was your favorite part of the book to write? I'm curious about that. I have two questions. That's my first one. Oh,

my favorite part of the book to write. I think my favorite part of the book to write was about my High Council.

Yeah, that was a really touching thing to read.

I had a cry. So my High Council I talked about being aware of who your people are, as something that is very, very important. vibrationally. And so I talked about my High Council, and I do dedication to my High Council and to my girls. And in that I recognize that there are some people who are no longer a part of my high council that I love dearly, and and really acknowledge that sometimes we have to let go. So writing that piece about my High Council, and the importance of them and who they are, for me, was really beautiful for me to be able to really honor and reflect on who those people are. And to invite people to go to a space of really recognizing who those people are and why they are and what they bring to your life.

Yeah, and I really like the way you phrase it like, they're the people that they could call you at 2am Ask for $20,000 Bringing shovel and you'd be there. I think. I think though, for whatever reason, that's a really good way to find to define it because I sat back and I looked at my life and I said Who would I genuinely show up for? And who would genuinely show up? For me? The table is small, but it's it's intimate. And it's important.

Yeah. Yeah. And you know, like, I recognize that my, my High Council might be a little larger than some.

And well, you're a bit of a social butterfly.

Right? I am a liberal, social butterfly. And for me, it was, you know, I recognize that when I built my High Council, when I actually became conscious of this concept of building my High Council, I was in a place where I was like, Okay, I'm a solo parent, I've got two little kids. And I need to know, like, when, when, if, if, if shit really does hit the fan? Who do I have? And why are those my people? And why would I do the same for them? Right. And, and so for me, it was that that process really, of getting so clear. So that was Yeah, so that was my favorite part, too, right? Definitely.

I love that. It was one of my favorite parts great, too. I just, it just tells you a lot about a person. I like it. It was good. It's beautiful. What? What did you learn about yourself? Well, you wrote this book. Oh, god.

Okay. So let's talk about what I learned. Because I, the process of writing a book is very, very, very much about truly the trifecta of joy. Right? Because because you have to bring your awarenesses together, right? In stories and in, in information and in teachings, and you bring it all together. And then and then you've got this thing called a manuscript. And as you're writing, your inner critic is doing this thing, I don't know why I keep saying you, because my inner critic, as I was writing, my inner critic kept doing the thing. And so, you know, in that process, I was really living it. And I honestly, I continue to live it, I'm gonna be honest, I really do. And I also because of that awareness of my inner critic, because I know that she's, you know, really trying to say some stuff to me about how this is a ridiculous endeavor. And, and I'm like, No, this is meant to land on the hearts, like, this is my heart for hearts.

And I know, there are a lot of people out there that are hurting. And I know that there are a lot of helpers out there who have nothing left to give. And it comes back to the acronym of help honor, empathy, love and presence, the best way we can help others is by showing up that way. And unless we have it for ourselves, it's very hard to pour from an empty bucket. So it's that process of of giving that to ourselves. Right. And so and that's that vibration rise, right? Like, that's what shocks me about this book is that, unlike, people are going to read this, and they're going to be inspired, to become more aware, and they're going to be inspired to pay attention to the things that matter, they're going to get connected with their values, they're gonna be like, Oh, my God, Tanya actually dated a guy that she called slippers. And then they're gonna go back in their own life and go holy crap, I've also had slippers. Right. So So you know, like, That, to me is where the power is, is and how people are connecting with themselves through this. And, and that, to me is why I keep taking the steps and trust that this is meant to land on the hearts that it does. And it will, and it will, and it will, and it will So it's been a learning process. Like it is a learning process. And it's a humbling process because when you go through that editing process, you also, you know, start to question your writing ability and all of the things so

imagine.

Yeah, and for me, it was really it's really about I wanted people to be able to experience my voice in words in their hands. And then for those words to touch their hearts. And if that and if that happens, then when my job exactly then my job is done. And I want them to pass the book on? I want them to share it. That to me is also really important. Right and, and, you know, I just on the topic of sharing really quickly, something that's really important to me about this book is that we are always given an opportunity to share. And so I've always been a supporter of woods homes, youth shelter, and the reason I'm a supporter of them is because they, they provide kids, a place that is safe, when home may not be, or the streets aren't. And you know, like, if something is going on, and a kid is safest in a shelter than they are on somebody's couch, then then those places need to exist. And the beautiful thing about the shelter is it's a resource. It's a resource where kids can find that one caring adult, someone who might be able to make a difference and help them be able to create better outcomes in their lives.

So the US shelter is important to me, and because it's important to me, 2% of the book sales go directly to what's home safe shelter. And that will be for the life of the book. And that makes me excited. Because I know that that makes a difference to kids. Right? So I'm excited about that, too. And on a future podcast, I'm going to be interviewing the Program Director of woods homes so that we can actually talk about the shelter. So I'm very excited about that. Okay, my love. This has been a beautiful conversation. Thank you for reading it several times.

And I'll probably read it several more.

Well, that tells me something either you love me a lot or you actually enjoyed it.

I think it tells you both.