In today's episode, we delve into a powerful emotion that often lurks behind our financial decisions: shame. I believe that shame is the underpinning, the very core, of the emotions we associate with our money troubles, concerns, and anxieties. As Brené Brown aptly puts it, shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

At 35, having traversed different phases of my own money journey, I can assure you that even I grapple with shame. It emerges when I scrutinize my spending, ponder my financial future, or compare myself to others on divergent paths. That inner voice whispers, "You're falling short; you won't make it." But here's the truth: you're not doing anything wrong; your priorities simply differ.

In this episode we explore the origins of shame. Society often dictates what is deemed the "superior" way to handle money. Influencers like Dave Ramsey or the lifestyles of friends and family can become benchmarks, leading to shame if we fall short of these standards.

Consider this: shame creeps in when we attempt to fit ourselves into someone else's life framework. Trying to replicate their financial choices may not align with our true desires, causing dissatisfaction and shame. It's crucial to recognize that your path, unique to you, is not wrong; it's simply different.

I confess to feeling shame in my own financial journey. Initially fixated on societal expectations, I believed owning a house was the key to financial wisdom. However, my 2020 choice to move into an apartment sparked criticism from those advocating homeownership. Little did I know, the world would change in three months.

Had I succumbed to shame, I might have missed out on invaluable experiences. The pandemic allowed me to grow independently in my first solo living experience. Financially, I could afford an apartment in California. It granted me freedom during remote work, privacy in relationships, and ultimately led me to meet the love of my life in my apartment complex.

While some may view my years in the apartment as "throwing money away," the memories, personal growth, and relationships formed make it priceless. The key is acknowledging shame but not letting it dictate your worth or decisions. It's a tool teaching valuable lessons but should never make you feel unworthy or unlovable.

As we navigate our financial journeys, let's prioritize decisions aligned with our true selves. Pause, reflect, and ask: Does this decision feel right to me? Is it propelling me towards my desired future? If the answer is yes, let go of shame; thank it for its concern. If not, embrace the opportunity to reevaluate without succumbing to shame.

Remember, you are a beautiful soul, and your decisions impact the world uniquely. Put your money where it feels right, silencing the voice of shame.

Hi, welcome to today's episode.

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Today's episode is going to be talking

about shame, which I feel is the root,

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the foundation, the centralized feeling

emotion around all of our money, woes,

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worries, um, feelings, any emotions that

come up when it comes to your finances.

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Renee Brown said it.

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Well, when she said, Shame is the

intensely painful feeling or experience

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of believing that we are flawed and

therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

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I want you to sit and think for a moment.

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When, whether, currently, in the past,

have you felt shame around your finances?

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Shame around your finances could sound

something like, I'm bad with money.

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I should have donated more money to

charity or tithed more at church.

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I'm such an idiot for

buying coffee every day.

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I can't believe I didn't

negotiate a raise.

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Or, I'm too dumb to

understand credit scores.

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I'm too dumb to understand

my retirement fund.

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I'm too dumb to understand interest rates.

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Or maybe I never should

have co signed on that loan.

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All of these things, ideas, feelings

that we have going on in our heads

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that make us feel shameful are natural.

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I don't think there's anybody

in the world who hasn't felt

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shame or isn't feeling shame.

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Even me at 35 years old.

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Who has gone through many

different iterations of my

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own personal money journey.

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Feels shame.

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, you know, I question sometimes

the stuff I spend my money on.

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Or what my future is going to look

like from a financial perspective.

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I have dreams.

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I have goals.

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Am I gonna get there?

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Is it stupid to other people look at me

and judge me for the choices that I've

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made, you know, I have conversations

with coworkers or, you know, other

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friends and family members and the path

that they have taken with their money

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is completely different than mine.

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And sometimes that voice in

the back of my head comes in

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and says, what are you doing?

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You're nowhere near where they are.

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You're a failure.

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You're never going to make it.

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Why are you even chasing

after this financial goal?

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And that's shame speaking.

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It's telling you that you're

doing something wrong when

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you're not doing something wrong.

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You're just, your priorities and

your desires in life are completely

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different than the person next to you.

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But let's pause for a moment.

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Where does shame come from?

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And I think a lot of the time

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we don't stop to think,

Why am I feeling this way?

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What has society taught me about

finances that I feel is the quote on

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quote superior way to handle my money?

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Or What has society told me

that I need to be in order to be

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successful, in order to be considered

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rich or financially stable?

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And that's going to depend upon

which part of society you listen to.

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Um,

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you know, you have, uh, the Dave Ramsey

method, who personally, I've never

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read the Dave Ramsey books, listened

to him, anything, so I don't know.

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Everything that he talks about.

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But.

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If you're the person who listens to Dave

Ramsey and finds what he says to be your

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foundation, to be what you want for your

financial goals, you're going to feel

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shame when you're not meeting those goals.

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Another example is.

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If there's an influencer or a family

friend who their life, the way you

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envision your future life to be, is

exactly theirs and you want to model it

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after them, you're going to sit here and

you are going to try to emulate them,

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you're going to try to replicate what they

do, but when it doesn't work You're going

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to feel shame because you're trying to fit

yourself in to the framework or the box

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of what somebody else's life looks like.

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And is that possible?

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Absolutely, 100 percent if you

want to be exactly like them.

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And you want to do everything

that they do down to the penny.

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Could you make it work?

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Sure.

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But at the end of the day, does making

that work feel fulfilling to you?

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Is it everything you wanted it to be?

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And I'm almost guaranteed that if you're

feeling an ounce of shame because you're

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not meeting those expectations, or the

expectations That you thought would

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make you happy aren't making you happy.

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It's because it's not what's

right for you in your soul,

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in your mind, in your heart.

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And I feel like those are the moments

that shame creeps in telling you, you're

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doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong.

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This isn't right.

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You're unworthy because

you're unable to do this.

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When at the end of the day, it's

not what you're meant to do.

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You're meant to do it differently.

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I mentioned that I, myself,

feel shame around things today.

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Um, I felt shame for years

since I started working.

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Um, was I putting my money

towards the right things?

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Was I doing

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what felt

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like what society says that

your role with money is?

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, for years, I had this idea in my head that

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you need to buy a house in

order to be smart with your

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money, invest in real estate.

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And honestly, that's my goal for 2024.

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is to save up money to buy a house

for real estate or to live in.

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Um, but for the longest time, my

goal was to use my money to travel.

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And January of 2020, I knew it was time

to move out of my parents house, but I

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wasn't ready to move into a home because

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I didn't want to have the,

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I don't want to say

burden, um, responsibility.

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I didn't want to have the responsibility

of maintaining a home, collecting

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mail, making sure that the house

was secured while I was away.

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If I were to travel, in 2019, I had

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I was like, I'm going to do even more.

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I'm excited.

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I'm moving into an apartment.

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I'm moving into an apartment

because if anything happens, the

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landlord is responsible for it.

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It's a small enough place that I

won't have an overabundance of things.

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There's security, the property is

maintained, I don't have to do anything

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other than exist in this apartment.

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And then when I choose to go and

travel, I go away, and I come

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back, and everything is well.

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That was the choice

that I decided to make.

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I felt shame from older generations

or people who purchase houses

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because they were like, you're

throwing your money away.

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You're putting your money towards

rent instead of into a mortgage where

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it's going to, build you equity.

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And then you have an asset

instead of a liability.

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At the time that I got this apartment,

I had no idea that three months

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later, the world would shut down.

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My dreams have changed.

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If I would have sat And listen to

the shame when I got this apartment,

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I might not have traveled,

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I might have put all of my

money into purchasing a house

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and then focus on remodeling

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and focus on maintaining the home,

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but my heart would have been sad.

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My soul,

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my soul that had this desire to

travel wouldn't have felt right.

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It would have felt sad that I wasn't

seeing bits and pieces of the world

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that I had wanted to go and explore.

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Like I had mentioned in 2019, I

had gone to six different areas.

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One of those areas was India,

which is paid for by work.

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And when work pays for your

flight, it's nice to do a

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layover in a different country.

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2019, I did my layover in Dubai, and

I had so many dreams and aspirations.

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To possibly explore Singapore

or head over to Spain.

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I knew that I wanted to go back to

India to see my friends in India,

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but I also knew that I wanted to take

that time being on the other side of the

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world to explore other parts of the world.

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I knew that I wanted to go back to Costa

Rica and I still want to do all of this.

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If I would have listened to the voice

in the back of my head that made

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me feel shameful, that told me that

I was doing it wrong, that told me

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you're wasting your money,

you could do better than this.

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You could build a brighter future

if you just did X, Y, and Z.

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Then I wouldn't have opened the

possibility for me to do what

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my true heart's desire was.

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Obviously, as I said earlier, fast

forward three months, the pandemic

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happened, the world shut down.

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I didn't end up traveling,

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but I didn't also feel shame

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because here's, here's the good

things that came out of the pandemic,

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out of being in this apartment.

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During the pandemic, I had the opportunity

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to grow independently.

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It was my first time living alone.

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College, I had roommates, and then

I moved back in with my family.

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And I always told myself, the

next time I move out of my parents

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house, It would be on my own or

with the person I'm going to marry.

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It meant that my financial journey

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had led me to being able to afford

an apartment in California on my own.

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It gave me the opportunity to make this

place my own decoration wise, energy wise.

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It allowed me the freedom and the

space when the pandemic happened to

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work from home and not have to compete

with my family working from home.

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It meant that if I needed

space, I could have my space.

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And when I got sick, I didn't have

to worry about getting my mom or my

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grandma sick who were immunocompromised.

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It also meant that I could build

healthy relationships with partners.

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Because I didn't have anybody else here,

so we had our privacy, we had our space.

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And the cherry on top has been that

by being here, in this apartment

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complex, I have met the love of my life.

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He lives in the same complex,

we met in the hot tub one

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night, and that changed my life.

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So sometimes, when we're feeling

shame around something, in the moment,

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we don't see the bigger picture.

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We don't see.

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What's going to come.

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We're focused on the finite, the in

the moment, the oh no, I screwed up.

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What are people gonna think of me?

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This makes me unworthy.

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This makes me unlovable.

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This makes me

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This makes me a bad person

because I chose this.

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Instead of that, but what we're forgetting

is that that decision that you made,

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it affects the trajectory of

your life, not anybody else's

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that leads to some of

the greatest outcomes,

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because sometimes that decision is a

lesson to be learned, but sometimes that

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decision also means that your future.

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Opening the door to a brighter and better

future that is more aligned with you.

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I said a little bit ago in the podcast

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that my goal for 2024 is to save up

enough financially to get a house.

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My dream of traveling the

world hasn't gone away.

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But it looks different now

than it did four years ago.

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Life has happened.

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Life has happened and I am

outgrowing this apartment.

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My financial decisions to be here at

this apartment to some people might

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look like I threw my money away.

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You spent four years paying thousands

of dollars a month on a one bedroom

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apartment when that same money could

have been put towards a mortgage

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and you didn't get to travel.

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What a waste.

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But like I said, so many other

things have happened in the past

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four years that have made my decision

of being in this apartment complex.

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worth it.

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Every penny, every memory,

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everything I have done in the past

four years has been because I let

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that voice in the back of my head

that was feeling shame go and told

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myself, you're in the right spot.

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Sure, you didn't get to travel

as much as you wanted to.

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You didn't get to return to India.

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You didn't get to go and explore

Singapore or Spain or wherever,

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but that's okay to do it again.

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It just means it's

going to look different.

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It means that you're going to be in

a house with the love of your life,

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creating a space that is both of yours.

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And then you're going to get to go and

travel the world with your partner.

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Money can be stressful.

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And when we let the voices, or the

choices, or the ideas, or the visions

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of other people trickle into our head,

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It creates the voice that tells

you you're doing it wrong.

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It brings up the feeling of shame

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and that feeling, will never go away

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because there's always

going to be something new.

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That you choose to do,

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but the beauty of recognizing that

feeling, of recognizing the voice telling

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you that you should feel horrible and

that you should go run and hide for making

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that decision, recognizing that allows

you to take your power back and allows you

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to say, Hey, I understand that you're

feeling unworthy, that you're feeling,

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That you're feeling like

we did something wrong,

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and the best thing to do in those moments

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is to give yourself compassion.

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Ask yourself,

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ask yourself, is the decision I am making,

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sorry, rephrase that, does the

decision I am making feel good to me?

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Is it holding me accountable

for the outcomes I want?

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I chose to get an apartment because

I wanted a space that had minimal

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upkeep slash responsibility

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that I could leave and come back to and

if something were to go wrong while I was

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gone somebody else would take care of it.

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I didn't have to worry so that

the outcome that I desired Was

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the freedom to go and travel?

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Does the decision you make hold you

accountable for the outcome that you want?

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If it does, Great.

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Let the shame go.

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Say thank you for your worry.

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I hear you.

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I feel you.

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But I've got you.

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I've got you.

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I will take care of you.

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And say thank you.

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And let it go.

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If

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the decision you made doesn't sit

right with your soul and doesn't

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keep you accountable for where

you want to be financially, if the

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decision you made doesn't feel right

in your soul and doesn't hold you

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accountable for the decisions, sorry,

for the outcomes that you want.

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That is when it's time to re

evaluate what you are doing.

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That is when it's time, still not

to feel shameful, but that is when

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it's time to say to yourself, this

isn't working, I want to fix this.

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Shame is a tool that can be helpful.

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It keeps us on the right path.

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It teaches us valuable lessons.

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But never let shame make you feel.

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Like you are in the wrong,

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like you are unworthy or you

are unlovable because you are so

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worthy and you are so lovable.

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Everything you do in life

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is leading you to the next greatest

chapter, the lows and the highs.

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And the people around you will have their

opinions and will want what's best for

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you from their worldview perspective.

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But what they think is best for you

isn't what is always best for you.

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So know that despite the opposition

you get from the decisions that

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you make, you are still lovable.

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You are still worthy.

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So try to find a way to

reframe that feeling of shame

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and break it down into,

is a decision I made

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one that feels right to me.

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And if it feels right to me, is it

something that is moving me forward

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towards the future that I desire?

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Depending upon your answer.

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We'll depend upon your next steps.

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You are a beautiful and bright

human on this earth, and we need you

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because the decisions you make impact

the world financially, spiritually,

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physically.

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So when it comes to your money,

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put your money where it feels right to you

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and silence the voice of shame.

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I hope that helped you today.

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And I hope that as you head into

this week, if shame creeps into your

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head in any way, that you pause and

you ask yourself those two things

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and go from there.

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Have a beautiful, beautiful week ahead.

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You are

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loved and you are worthy.

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Talk to you next week.

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Bye.