Dive back into 1980s children's biographies as podcasting siblings Bambi and Jamie Chambers explore The Value of Respect: The Story of Abraham Lincoln. In this book we follow the story of young Abe, who is born in a log cabin to a life of ridiculous poverty. But thanks to a talking squirrel our little dirt farmer learns the power of RESPECT—which somehow leads to him battling river pirates, learning slavery is bad, and forging a path that would make him perhaps the greatest president in the history of the United States.

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Welcome to the bonus episode of Chainsaw History, everybody, where my sister Bambi reads children's

books from the 1980s that our parents inflicted on us back in the day. And they're really

bad.

They're Oh, they're so bad. They're absolutely terrible.

I am your host, Jamie Chambers and my co host is my sister Bambi. And in fact, she's actually

the host today. Yep. Hello. This time I am the guy along for the ride. Because Bambi

picks the books I in general don't even get to know what they are until she shows up.

Yep. And today I have picked the value of respect the story of Abraham Lincoln. Now

before we get started, if you're hearing this and you haven't been to chainsawhistory.com

to see all of the cool stuff there, including our back catalog, our bonus shows, our bonus

articles, and the cool things you can get as full members, you should sign up at chainsawhistory.com

because we will send you an email every time we do a new show, and you can see how you

can support us. So thank you. And now we guess we're diving into some honest Abe some Yeah,

we're gonna talk. Now let's look at the cover. Yeah, well, first of all, and I also it's

by my very favorite and Donegan Johnson, because we know how great a writer she is.

Is she the one that likes to tell us what the private thoughts of imaginary characters are?

Oh, so much so good. I can't wait for more of that. Yep. So this time we get a blink

and see for a second. Okay, so we've got Abe Lincoln, where in rough looking but tall boots

kind of just ragged clothes all around, holding a big ass axe over his head. And of course he is

this point he's clean shaven with a goofy smile on his face. And it looks like he's a method

because his eyes look fucked in this picture. They really do what they'll he's either never

slept for a week, or he's on something. I think they're like implying that he's just like rugged

and tired. Okay. And their use of fringe seems to be my very favorite thing throughout that.

And there's some trees in the background. Oh, yeah. And there's a little squirrel holding an

acorn at his feet. Yeah. And of course, I'm sure the squirrel is yet another one of our adorable

imaginary friends. Oh, of course. But yeah, so we're gonna get into the story of Abe Lincoln

and his squirrely friend. I'm guessing there's no hunting of vampires in this version,

not this one. Although, see, Abe Lincoln's pretty cool. All right. So yeah, the value of respect.

This tale is about the respected Abraham Lincoln. The story follows is largely based on events of

his life. More historical facts can be found at the end. I'm sure they can. So Abe Lincoln

runs around going respect my authority. No, however, that would have been hilarious.

Eric Cartman as Abraham Lincoln in a movie we need to see.

Okay, so once upon a time, not so very long ago, there lived a man named Abraham Lincoln.

He was president of the United States. Boom. Yeah. Big old dick drop there.

Just so you know, we're not talking about just some asshole. We're talking about a

president, kids. Yeah. And I mean, so far, the only ones we've read, it's like these obscure

people, but it's like, no, this is fucking Abraham Lincoln and the $5 bill. Yo. Yeah.

You can't live in America and not know who Abe Lincoln is. He just, he's a big deal.

People listened to Lincoln when he spoke. When he went on a walk, they crowded around him.

Almost everyone loved and admired him. Even those who didn't love him,

respected him very much. I guess, except for that one guy.

Yeah. Yeah. There might've been a few people who weren't super respectful to Lincoln,

you know, like half the country at one point, but this is early in his life. And I'm sure

that his local people liked him because Abe Lincoln was apparently a likable dude.

Well, no, we're actually starting out the story where he is president of the United States.

I'm sorry. I guess we haven't jumped back yet. Okay. So this is, this is full chin strap, beard,

Abe Lincoln, just smiling and walking around still with those haunted eyes,

just sunken into his skull. Abe Lincoln has seen things.

Now to be fair, by that point in his life, that's what he fucking looked like. Cause he had been

through some shit and lived a very sad life. Uh, you know, the real Abe Lincoln is like I said,

haunted figure, uh, is a good way to describe him, especially during his period in the white house.

So anyway, everybody likes him and he goes around and just shakes hands with people and he just,

everybody wants to listen. Everyone loves and respects him. I mean,

the man could turn a phrase for sure. One day after Abe Lincoln and his son,

Ted had been out walking, Ted thought about the people he had seen crowding around his father.

You know, father said, Ted, I hope someday people will respect me the way they respect you.

I got some bad news for you Ted. Yeah. It's like they are glossing over so much.

What if little kids follow up and want to find out what happened to Ted?

Yeah. I mean, that's a thing. It's like everyone that you come across almost is a tragic story.

Oh, don't worry. Ted was able to continue to speak to his mother through the power of

spiritualism and mediums. Yeah. She even could have carried a picture of her dead husband.

I was instantly thrown with the fact that we started with little Ted Lincoln.

Okay. Oh yeah. Spoilers doesn't end well for Ted or anybody or just anyone ever.

But this is a happy kid's book. What are we? Okay. Sorry.

He wants to be respected like his dad. And he says they will, if you have respect for them,

said Abe, we all usually get back what we give, you know,

and of course you respect them first because you're all human beings.

I do believe there was a song by the new radicals that was all about you get what you give.

So yeah. And then you see Abe sitting in his chair, gazing out the window, looking at squirrels.

I mean, I'm not even. Oh man. There's nothing like another boring day at the White House

during the Abe Lincoln administration, just to stare out and yeah. And the squirrels and,

and ponder his life growing up. Look at that squirrels nuts. So now we're going to do all

the way back in time. We're Wayne's worlding times. So now back to that scary looking dude

in the cover. Well, he starts out as a little urchin child. Oh, oh yeah. This is when we're

starting in the literal log cabin, which is funny because as a child, they give him blue eyes,

but as an adult, they give him Brown eyes because that's how eyes work.

Well, that's, that's when you're, that's when the original Abe Lincoln died and was replaced by a

child kidnapped from down the street. And that's why he's so haunted with sunken eyes. Cause he

has these memories of his original family. Sorry, dead blue eyed Lincoln.

So he starts out in his happy little childhood. However, his parents are like dirt poor,

living in a cabin with dirt floors. Yeah. Famously born in a log cabin.

Yes. Very famously born, very poor, but he was very happy.

I have stayed in a, I have stayed many times in a building in which

Abraham Lincoln's father was listed as a stonemason in Kentucky, which of course,

where he was born. Yeah. The soil on the farm was not good. So Abe's father had to spend long,

hard days trying to make his crops grow. Abe's mother worked hard too, looking after her husband

and the children. She made all their clothes for the family. Abe grew so fast. She could hardly

keep up with him. He was what you would call a bean pole. Yup. I imagine he was like, he was like

five and a half feet tall by the time he was like, you know, the equivalent of third grade.

Abraham, she would say, you grow out of everything. What am I going to do with you?

And she tried to sound stern and severe when she said this, but she was really very pleased.

She knew that Abe was strong, healthy boy, happy to play in the woods and help his father with the

chores. It's like, I would love to stunt his growth, but I just can't that adorable little

scamp. Yup. She's apparently feeding him enough to grow like that. He's getting some basic

nutrition or you don't become a million feet tall. But yeah, so they were happy,

happy, poor family, happy, poor family. They were playing the stream,

swimming naked with mom, holding up her dress in a weird way. So we have our little,

and she was talking about how lucky they were. And he was like, I guess being poor is awesome.

Yeah. He's like, I guess. Yeah. That's why he works so hard to become a lawyer because he loved

being, you know, desperate, poverty stricken, poverty stricken and poor. It's like, I guess

we are said Abe. It's a good thing that some things are free. We can not buy them. If they

weren't, we're too poor. Cause she was talking about how they had the beautiful trees and the

clean rock over there is free. Yeah. Eat that. Being poor is nothing to be ashamed of said his

mother, as long as you were honest and you respect other people, they will respect you no matter how

poor you are. That's that survey says Mrs. Lincoln, that is a lie. Don't tell your children

that because that will set them up for failure. The world will judge you by your economic status

and harshly. And if at very least poor people are expected, you know, to, if you're going to go out

and society, don't look poor. That's just gross. So Lincoln is not feeling so great about the fact

he's wearing his shabby, you know, clothes, his mother's stitched together with cat gut.

Yeah. And for some reason she like makes all of his clothes, but they're all covered in fringe.

Yeah. It's like the whole family's in fringe. It's hilarious.

I am really into 1940s westerns. For some reason. Uh, it's, it's a very interesting

aesthetic choice. This is a choice. This is, it's such an interesting one now. All of this

is an interesting choice. So, because we can't actually talk about the cool shit that Abraham

Lincoln did, we're going to talk about him being a scampy child. And one time he fell into the

stream and his friend helped him out. I'm glad we learned about that. Oh yeah.

Abe Lincoln versus Rivers versus Rivers and Abe Lincoln wins River. Abe Lincoln versus River was

a win. Abe Lincoln wins everything except bullet to the head. That's the one. That's the rock,

paper, scissors, a bullet to, you know, where, yeah. It's so funny. Cause yeah,

he lost so many elections too. It's like, but he, he won the one that ones that really mattered.

So any who he was really lucky to have his friend there to help him. Yeah. So I'm going to skip over

this whole page because it's stupid and stupid, stupid page. Why? And so Abe's mother decided to

send him to school. Good call. When you have little hick, heathen children running around in

the woods barefoot with their shabby clothes, they might, an education might help them out. Yep.

I'm sending you to school. Said she said to Abe one day, it's high time you learn to read and

write. This did not sound like fun to Abe. Oh mother. He said, hardly anyone around here goes

to school. I know answered his mother, but education is very important. No one will ever

listen to you or respect you if you can't even read or write. So him and his, wait, I thought

she said, I thought she said people will respect you if you respect them. Now she's adding extra

rules to this shit. Come on mom. What the fuck? Yeah. As he gets bigger, no one will respect you

unless you bake them a cake every Tuesday. Well, unfortunately. So yeah, they walked to school and

two miles and they're both ways and they were, and I guess there were barefoot. My feet hurt,

complained Sarah. So him and his sister Sarah walked to school, but they learned to enjoy it.

Yeah. Abe Lincoln. Yeah. He took to learning. I would say he did. He took to the learning.

Actually they didn't learn many of the things that children learn in school today.

They weren't very comfortable while they were learning either. There was only a single classroom

in the log school house and the older children sat on wooden benches alongside the younger ones.

There were no windows in the school and the children had no books to read. How did they

learn? They learned by listening to the teacher and repeating what she said. Now children,

she would say, repeat after me. C-A-T spells cat. C-A-T spells cat. So he learned to spell some

words and then that's how he got his law degree. Yeah. It all started here. C-A-T spells cat,

your honor. When Abe and Sarah came home from school, they always told their mother about

the things they had learned. Then they did their chores and they did them cheerfully.

The children liked to help their mother because they respected her.

She was a kind person who took very good care of her family. Just whistle while you work.

Just how very wholesome. Yeah. So you so... They're going to school. They're doing chores.

They're wearing fringe. They're wearing fringe. They're poor as shit. But they're happy and fed

and taken care of. And everyone was happy except apparently dad. Children, he said one night,

were going to move to Indiana. Life should be easier there. The soil is better so we can grow

bigger crops. Abe was a bit upset when he heard this. Do you mean I have to leave all my friends,

he asked. Don't worry, said his mother. You'll make lots of new friends when we get to Indiana.

You'll forget all about those assholes. Abe knew this was probably true but he still felt lonely.

Yeah, moving away from everybody sucks when you're a kid. They're moving to Indiana

and they pack up all their belongings and there was no cars or buses so they had to use horses

and they borrowed a wagon. No lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury? Nope. Apparently not

even fucking shoes. These are the shoeless four. It's primitive as can be. Yeah, where we're

emphasizing just how goddamn poor the Lincolns are. It was a long journey and are we there yet?

Blah blah blah. Don't make me turn this cart around. Are we nearly there, asked Abe when

they finally had to chop down bushes in order to move the wagon. Just about, said Mr. Lincoln.

And indeed, they soon reached a nice clearing. Mr. Lincoln decided that they had come to the

end of their journey. At last, they had found a good place to build a cabin. This patch of dirt

is as good as any other. Yeah, because that's how any of this works. In fact, what they don't tell

you in this book is they actually had to move because of land titling. Because they got fucked

over. A thing that was happening a lot during that period. A lot. So yeah, it wasn't just like,

we need butter crops because, you know, Kentucky, Kentucky, notoriously famous for not growing

anything. And they do act like even at this point in America, you could just go somewhere and just

pick out a plot and anywhere you felt like, like, no, they actually had the land. You had to like,

somebody owned it and you had to deal with it. Yeah, it was a whole fucking thing. So the fact

that they were like, oh, we just parked here. That's ours now. That's ridiculous.

Let's not fill children's heads with some boring real estate stuff.

Yeah, let's not fill their heads with the reality of the world.

Or tell them who used to live there a few years before, because especially during this period,

I mean, that's like, the natives had not been out of the way long in that part of like the Midwest.

Yeah. So they found a nice spot and they had to clear some stuff and they had to start

building a house. Luckily, little a was already, you know, like six feet tall and could do the

work of three grown men. They wanted to get the shelter up quickly so that they would be protected.

Everyone pitched in to help Abe was working very as as hard as he could when he imagined he saw

squirrel hop up onto a tree stump. Yeah, because you never see that in Indiana.

Hi, Abe said the squirrel. No need to be lonely around here. You and I can be friends.

I am your hallucination. Oh, and he gets cozy with this thing. Abe was pretending he laughed

because he realized that the squirrel was just a little creature he had made up to keep from

feeling sad about the friends he left behind in Kentucky. So now, thanks to the power of being

crazy, he'll always have someone to talk to. Yeah. Now he has an imaginary friend squirrel,

because that's, that's what it's important to know about Abe Lincoln. He had auditory

hallucinations and visual visual. Yeah. I mean, unless he just took a real squirrel and just

Mr. edited him. Had a little stuffed squirrel that he just took with him everywhere. Yep.

When the cabin was finished, Abe invited his little make believe friend, the talking squirrel

to move in with him. Of course he did. He takes him into bed formal invitation.

Our union is now complete squirrel. It's just so fucking weird. I'm glad we're spending all

this time on this thing. It's so funny. Okay. The cabin was called half faced camp. Wait, wait,

wait, sorry. What's the squirrel's name? Do we have one yet? Or is it just imaginary squirrel?

It's just imaginary squirrel. He never gives him a name. Oh, yeah. Which is a squirrel.

He doesn't give the squirrel a single shred of respect by even learning his fucking name.

Way to go Abe. We'll have to name the squirrel at the end once we have judged him.

Oh goodness. Oh, the cabin was called half faced camp because it only had three sides.

The open side was where the Lincolns built their fires and cooked their meals.

Father says we're going to build a bigger, nicer cabin soon said Abe,

as he and the squirrel snuggle down on his bed of dried leaves.

Dad said we won't have to eat grass tomorrow. Wait, wait, what's that? What's that? Is the

squirrel have some kind of hideous or is it just supposed to be it's underbelly?

The squirrel looks weird. Yeah, I think it's just, I see. I know.

He's a two-tone squirrel. They don't look like that. They're usually like gray and white.

They've gone with this dark brown that makes them weird looking.

That is an abomination scent from the abyss. Yeah. And he's like sleeping in bed with him.

Of course. Okay. Well, his satanic familiar is by his side and he's sleeping on leaves.

And dad said maybe one day we'll have four entire walls. Yep. And sadly, the next year,

the Lincoln's did build a better cabin, but before they had lived in it long,

great sadness came to them. Mrs. Lincoln died of a sickness that could not be cured in those days.

And this, and thus begins a cycle of people dying in Lincoln's life that never stops

until it's finally his fucking turn. Pretty much. Abe and Sarah were terribly lonely.

Mr. Lincoln did his best to cheer them. But you know what you need? We'll cheer you up.

A new mom. Pretty much. And you want to cheer me up? Getting laid.

She would not want us to be sad all the time. She would want us to keep busy and try to be happy.

And I'm going to do what mom wants. If you know what I'm saying. Yep. So they're all sad. Yeah. I

mean, mom dying sucks. Mom dying sucks. And then you see them like in the early morning dawn.

Doing their chores, baking the bread. The woman constantly reinforcing the idea that being poor

is great is now gone. Pretty much. So now just being poor sucks. And it's sad. Yeah. Mom to

tell you it's actually okay. It sucks. And it's sad. And you know, they had to like bake their

own food and yeah, it's like they had chores before, but now they're raising themselves.

Yeah. I mean like literally, you know, they're not having mom. That's a lot of extra work to

do when you're a kid. I mean, they were living hard scrabble lives. Already. Of survival. Abe

and Sarah did their best. Yeah. I mean, it literally, it's like, there is, his dad really

needs to buy him some fucking shoes. I'm just saying Abe and Sarah did their best, but the work

never seemed to get finished. Sometimes long after the sun had set, they were still busy gathering

wood for the fire. It's hard knock life for us. It is. And it's so funny because it's like,

now we're going to see how dirty and sad the children are compared to how they were before

covered in ashes. And they're just like collapsed in exhaustion. Uh, the little evil squirrel looks

like he's laughing all while everyone's imagining the happier times when mom was alive and we bathed

pretty clean clothes. Oh, it's bleak. It's pretty fucking blink. Don't worry. The story of Abraham

Lincoln has a happy ending. The absurdity of it is so funny. All right. Children said,

Mr. Lincoln, one day I'm going away for a little while. When I return, I might have a surprise for

you. What do you think the surprise could be? He is going to abduct a woman to take care of him

and his children. Yup. He's going to be this big burlap bag over his shoulder with a squirming,

screaming woman. I don't want to live out in the middle of goddamn nowhere with a few little

cave people. Nope. He comes back with a very willing bride and a whole bunch of shit.

Cause apparently she wasn't as dirt poor. What I found family as a woman was stuff.

Mr. Lincoln returned with his surprise in a few weeks. He had a new wife whose name was Sarah.

Sarah was a widow who Mr. Lincoln had known for a long time. They also had Sarah's two daughters,

Sarah and Matilda and her and her son, John, Sarah and Abe could not believe their eyes.

So how many, so we got there. So now there's three Sarah's in one family.

That's going to get confusing. Yep. Sarah. And then three Sarah's creating their next

around. Yep. Sarah, Sarah, and Sarah. What dear children said their new stepmother as she reached

out her arms to give Abe and Sarah a big hug. We are all going to be such a nice, happy, big

family. Oh dear God. I pray that there is no Abe Lincoln stepmother porn on the internet. And I

hope I didn't just will it into existence just because I have a terrible mind. Abe Lincoln's

mom got stuck in the dryer. Goodness gracious. I'm getting mixed up said Abe's little friend,

the squirrel. There are so many people named Sarah around here.

Oh no, the imaginary squirrel is confused. Oh, and the one thing that things happen when I get

confused. So his new mom comes in and she brings stuff and they clean the house and they're no

longer shitty and forced to bathe and eat and stuff. And she brought the house with her only

bright, happy things. And we'll only have bright, happy things. And we'll only have bright, happy

times from now on. Happiness is mandatory children. So she's a real umbrage. That night,

Abe slept in a real bed for the first time. He nestled down in a feather mattress with his head

on a soft pillow. And he couldn't believe that anything could feel so warm and cozy.

And yet he couldn't sleep a wink because he was used to sleeping on pebbles and leaves.

I feel sorry for people who do not have a real bed to sleep in. Abe said to his little friend.

Like me yesterday. I mean, what the fuck?

I remember it all started the day before today. I remember it just like it was yesterday.

It's like, I feel sorry for the people who aren't me. Sucks to be you.

Sucks to be you. Except for me, like previously. Apparently it just sucked to be me then.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah.

It's a choice.

Sleeping on an actual mattress versus leaves and dirt is better. Agreed, Abe.

Yep. So, but he's still sleeping with his friend, the squirrel.

Well, that squirrel's with him. Squirrel's with him in the end until he collects his soul for our

dark master.

Time passes joyfully now and Abe grew older and taller and stronger.

He helped his father more and more.

He plowed and planted. He chopped down trees with his double bladed axe.

And this is where I get to mention about the part where Abe Lincoln, not only

obviously very tall, but famously freakishly strong.

Yeah.

Like there are reports from neighbors during this period when he was like a teenage boy

where he would just lift up giant boulders near the river to move them aside or whatever they

needed. Like he did so, I guess just being so poor and doing nothing but hard-ass work his whole life

just made him a monster. He didn't want to fuck with Abe Lincoln once he hit like 13 years old,

grown men would want to leave him the hell alone.

Yeah. Wow. Said the other boys, just look at Abe Lincoln.

He's the biggest boy around here. Don't ever get in a fight with him.

He could probably throw you over the fence.

Yes.

And yeah.

There are other stories about Abe Lincoln later in life.

I think there was one where he went in, he went into a town and found out there was like a gang,

local gang of hoodlums terrorizing the place. And he was like, who's the leader of these guys?

Just ran over there, just grabbed the guy, picked him like four feet off the ground,

shook him like a rag doll, and then just tossed him across the room. Like he was nothing.

And then everybody just ran away terrified that Superman had come in there and just picked up a

200 pound dude. Like it was nothing. So yeah, I wouldn't want to fuck with Abe Lincoln either.

If I was in the local neighborhood toughs are like, you know what? We're going to leave this

one alone. No lunch money. Oh, wow. Don't fuck with Abe. If Abe heard the others talk,

he didn't pay any attention. He was much too busy to be thinking of fights.

I am talking to my squirrel.

He's talking to his squirrel. And the one thing he really truly loves is his new stepmother.

Again. No, we're not going to think about that anymore.

But he was never too busy to show his stepmother that he loved her.

One day he came in from the field, swept her off of her feet and lifted her into the air.

This is not helping with the case. I am making babies stop.

Abe Lincoln, you put me down right now. She said all of the heavy work you do may make your body

grow. But reading and learning things is just as important. They make your mind grow. I'm going

to try to get lots of books so you can read and learn things. You know what else grows, mom?

That's so gross.

I'm so sorry. I started this running joke, but now there's no it's it we're just stuck with it.

Ugh.

Abe soon found that he really enjoyed reading. He sat by the fire at night when others were asleep

and he read every book that he could find. He didn't have paper to write on,

so he used a wooden shovel. He wrote it on a bit of charcoal.

Have we established yet that he is poor?

Yes.

I cannot afford a pencil. I write my dissertations in the dirt with sticks.

Yes.

Golly, there's a lot to learn, said the squirrel.

You bet there is agreed Abe. I guess I'll never know it all.

So Abe liked to read. In fact, he liked to read so much that sometimes he fucked up his chores.

Been there.

Yep.

Sometimes Abe just couldn't put down his book. Once in a while,

he tried to read and do chores at the same time.

I can't believe it, said the little squirrel. You may learn lots of things,

lots of great things in those books, but you've forgotten how to plow a straight line.

Whoops.

Yep.

The field's all zigzaggy because he's a fuck up now.

I just want to chop down trees with the book in one hand.

Yeah. Well, you know, the trees is how he started fighting the vampires.

Started with that big ol' axe making stakes.

Well, so he's always got a book. He's filling his mind with knowledge.

So he's ridiculously tall, freakishly strong, and he's becoming educated.

He is just ticking off the boxes.

Yep. And then even as, even though the aesthetic of his, his,

his long dead mother is still round because guess what?

They're still friends.

I will wear the fringe into the White House.

It's just such a weird choice.

As he grew older, Abe didn't always have time to chat with the squirrel.

He wanted to be with people. He liked to listen to them and find out what they thought.

He liked to tell them about the things he had read and made up jokes and set them all laughing.

Fuck off squirrel. I got some socializing to do.

Yeah, he's got some-

These people have names.

I like to talk with Abe Lincoln, said one man from the village.

I feel like he really respects me. He wants to hear what I have to say.

I like the way he explains things, said another man. He makes things seem so simple.

Yeah, so he is making friends and influencing people.

Yes, he is. However, one evening, a wealthy farmer named James Gentry came to Abe.

Abe, you're an honest man and a strong one, he said.

Would you be willing to take my goods down to New Orleans on a flat boat?

Yes, sir, Mr. Gentry, replied Abe.

That sounds like a job. Having a job means I don't sleep on dirt and leaves.

Abe had never been to a city like New Orleans.

He was terribly excited when he looked at Mr. Gentry's map.

It's a long way, he said, a thousand miles.

I heard they have shoes there.

You won't have to go alone, Abe, said Mr. Gentry. My son, Alan, will go with you.

And I love this map of the United States, it's very funny.

All right, so we got the good old Mississippi River, New Orleans, Kentucky.

And yeah, it just sort of cuts off like halfway, like, yeah, there you go.

Like, you know, half of where Texas would be and half of from there.

Just our little chunk. So we got Abe and his much shorter friend with a goofy hat.

Yes.

And I'm sure Abe was much taller than literally everyone at this point.

Yeah, it will be a dangerous trip, warned Mr. Gentry.

There are all strong currents in the river and the bandits might try to attack you.

You'll have to be careful and you'll need all the strength you have.

Just show the bandits some respect and they will leave you alone.

Oh, he does. He does.

When the boat was loaded with cargos of apple, pork and potatoes,

Abe and Alan guided it down the Ohio River into the Mississippi.

Suddenly, Abe knew why Alan's father had said that he would need all with his strength.

Strong currents caught the flatboat and sent it spinning and speeding down the stream.

It was all Abe could do to steer clear of the big rocks that jumped up at them.

Easy there, Abe called the squirrel. Can't we go a little slower?

I can't stay on my feet.

So he takes his little squirrel friend on a dangerous boat ride.

Well, of course.

And then the squirrel just does nothing but bitch the whole way.

It's like you could have stayed behind, stupid squirrel.

When they stopped for the night, Abe and Alan tied the flatboat to a tree on the riverbank

and they settled down to rest until morning.

That was a rough day, said the squirrel one evening.

I'm worn out.

Tomorrow could be just as bad, warned Abe.

That night, a new danger threatened them.

What do you think it was?

Fucking pirates.

Yeah, they call them river bandits, but they're so very obviously pirates.

Not just pirates, but blue pirates with no teeth.

Yes.

Well, it's moonlight, Jamie.

The ambiance.

They're attacking by night.

Nighttime pirates.

Yes.

Our mateys, we're here to get Abe Lincoln in his booty.

Which again, I'm okay, so I have an imaginary story about Abe Lincoln fighting vampires,

but I can't get a real fucking story about how he fought pirates.

Abe Lincoln fighting river pirates.

River pirates?

Hell yeah.

I'm for it.

I want to know how many of these people he maimed and killed Abe Lincoln just sending

people flying 50 feet with his massive swings of his like ore from the boat.

It'd be awesome.

Yup.

As darkness fell, seven of these dangerous thieves crept out from behind the trees.

There's rich cargo on that flat boat, said one of the bandits.

And they call them bandits, but they look like pirates.

There were only two men to protect it.

Come on.

They won't give us much trouble.

No problem at all, except one of them wrestles goddamn bears.

Yeah, one of them just happens to be fucking massive.

The bandits rushed aboard the boat.

And what do you suppose happened to that?

I predict that Abe Lincoln beat the snot out of these guys.

Yup.

Oh yeah.

You see them just...

The two boys just go to town on these, these river pirates.

Oh yeah.

They're taking their fucking sticks and just beating the shit out of them.

Hell yeah.

Abe jumped up.

He grabbed a stout stick and he swung it with all the strength he had.

The river bandits shouted and yelled.

They tried to cover their heads with their arms.

That'll teach you to rob us, roared Abe.

Next time, have a little respect, cried the squirrel.

Yes.

And now respect the broken bones that you have to limp away with

because Abe Lincoln with a big stick just fucked your world.

Oh, and his little squirrel friend is fighting too.

Tripped one of them.

Sweet.

It's always nice to have a satanic helper.

Yes.

Little backup plan.

I am so disappointed that I will not see this movie.

Someone needs to make this movie.

River pirates.

You got it.

I'm on it.

We'll ask chat GPT to write it for us.

One by one, the bandits jumped out of the flat boat and ran away into the night.

Abe and Alan jumped into the shore and chased after them,

but the thieves disappeared into the woods like frightened shadows.

Maybe they'll come back, said the squirrel,

but it wouldn't surprise me if they simply gave up being bandits.

He beat him so bad that they couldn't be bandits.

He beat the crime out of them.

So funny.

He just went full Batman on their asses.

Being a bandit doesn't pay when Abe Lincoln's around, said the squirrel.

Alan looked at Abe with new respect.

You're as strong as half a dozen men, he said.

Well, I was bit by a radioactive squirrel.

Maybe, said Abe.

But that didn't stop me from getting whacked on the head.

So Abe Lincoln has one goose egg and these other guys are just maimed for life.

Pretty much.

Abe took out his handkerchief and bandaged the cut over his eye.

And again, it says handkerchief, but it looks like red meat.

Oh, just slapped, you know, your average Chuck steak just right over his face.

That's meat from his enemies.

Because that's not a potato.

Carved a piece off of that one before he got away.

So Abe has beaten the shit out of some river pirates and leveled up.

He has.

Abe and Alan didn't meet any more bandits on the river.

They reached New Orleans safely and unloaded their cargo.

Then they set out to explore the city.

And then...

Abe couldn't believe his eyes.

He had never seen such elegant buildings.

He had never seen so many different kinds of people.

He had never heard the kind of music being played in the streets.

And wherever he went, delicious smells floated on the air.

And he's like, hey, do you know what they'll do for you if you give them some beads?

Well, I mean, look at the music on the street.

Oh dear.

Yeah.

What is with their pants?

Well, very sort of pinky purple dudes and somebody's blowing what sort of looks like

a saxophone.

I don't know.

I honestly don't know what's going on there.

And of course we got mixed race and just, yeah, this is, you know,

wacky, uh, New Orleans in the 19th century.

Yup.

This is more exciting than I ever imagined, said Abe to Alan.

But suddenly Abe and Alan turned a corner and came upon a big square.

There they saw something Abe would never forget.

Do you know what it was?

I do know what it was.

It was, uh, they saw human beings being sold like cattle.

It was a slave market.

Abe saw black men and women and children chained together.

They were being sold just as if they were horses, sheep, or cows.

Of course, Abe had learned about slavery, but he had never seen people treated as if

they were animals.

Alan, those black people are human beings too, said Abe.

They deserve respect just like everyone else.

Yeah.

These, these boys hadn't had it drummed into their head.

Yeah.

These were just poor little.

So when you see this, there's like, oh, these are other poor, desperate people.

Like, like we were, except they're in fucking chains, which is that's messed up.

And they had the correct reaction.

Yeah.

They had the, they had the absolutely correct reaction of this is fucked.

This isn't good.

This shouldn't be a thing.

At the time, it was not unusual to sell black people in the slave market.

They had no rights at all, and they had to do whatever their masters told them to do.

Someday said Abe Lincoln, I'm going to try to put a stop to things like this.

Alan looked at Abe and he believed it.

When Abe Lincoln said something, he meant it.

I will beat up every slave owner from here to the other coast until they've all let all

the slaves go.

The end.

Yep.

Look how sad Abe is.

He's still blue eyed Abe.

Yeah.

He's still got blue eyes and, and he's like, uh, yeah, this is not good.

Don't like it.

Make it stop.

Abe returned home, but he could not forget about what he'd seen in the slave market.

He told his friends about the chains and how husbands were separated from their wives and

children were taken away from their parents and sold to new masters.

Said Abe, the black people have feelings just as we do.

How can anyone treat humans that way with no respect?

No one could answer Abe's question, but almost everyone Abe talked to agree that

slavery was a terrible thing.

Right.

We're all on the same page.

We're all on the same page.

He's sitting there talking to some, some people.

I noticed the squirrels keeping his fucking mouth shut.

What's his opinion?

Abe didn't forget about the black people or any other people who weren't treated fairly.

Soon I'll be on my own.

He said to his friend, the squirrel, I'll go out into the world and talk to people.

I'd like to know what they really need and how I can help them.

That's great.

Said the squirrel.

And of course you can help them.

You respect people no matter who they are.

And so almost everyone respects you.

And so you see.

So now he's a man on a mission.

Yep.

He's sitting on a log talking to a squirrel.

Now I will make a vow to this squirrel.

I will dedicate my life to the abolition of slavery.

Yes.

When it was time for Abe to leave home and strike out on his own, he put a few of his

belongings into a handkerchief and tied it to a stick.

Then said goodbye to his family.

He's got a hobo bundle.

He does.

He has a hobo bundle.

Oh, that's so adorable.

And he's still wearing fringe in honor of his dead mother.

Yes.

All the fringe.

R.I.P.

Fringe queen.

I've learned so much from all of you.

He said, I'll never forget you.

We won't forget you either.

Said his little friend, the squirrel.

He waved goodbye to Abe as he headed out into the world to begin a new life.

Ron Howard's voice.

He did, in fact, forget them all.

So he's like, I'm finally rid of that little demonic helper.

Yeah, he had to basically like just ditch him.

He has let go of childish things now.

So no more imaginary squirrel for you, Abe.

First Abe headed to Salem, Illinois.

He got a job tending a store and at night he studied law books so he could become a lawyer.

I think that's the town where he beat the shit out of that guy I was talking about earlier.

Probably.

New Salem.

Yeah.

I knew it was when he first went to Illinois.

The people who knew him were sure that Abe would be a great lawyer.

Abe Lincoln cares about people and he is honest, they said.

Because, you know, honesty and caring about people is all about what lawyers do.

Chief traits of lawyerdom.

However, he was a good talker.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sure he was a great lawyer.

I forget exactly at what point it was.

This is a while ago, so I don't remember any of the details.

So, you know, don't put me to task on this internet.

But I remember at some point they actually recovered some of the like trial records from

Lincoln's early legal career and show that he actually had a pretty kick ass.

Like, he was a good lawyer.

Yeah.

I mean, from what I gather, even though he lost some elections, he'd always won the debate.

Like, he just destroyed them.

Oh, no.

I mean, just all of his surviving writings and speeches.

Like, no, this dude knew how to turn a phrase.

Which is weird, too, because apparently he had a kind of a weird high pitched voice.

It wasn't like he had this really great speaking voice.

But he was just really good at the delivery.

Abe would meet many people when he became a lawyer.

They respected him because he listened to them.

They knew he cared.

After a while, Abe was elected to represent the state legislature.

Now he's in state congress.

He is.

Now Abe was really busy fighting for the rights of other people.

Later, he got married and had children of his own.

And you just can see the little timeline of his life.

It's like we're now zipping ahead.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Racing forward.

So now he's married, got kids.

He just married the most cheerful, just happy-go-lucky lady in the whole world.

Just a bright ray of sunshine.

Which is funny because you see him at the bottom.

Like, Mary Todd Lincoln was like a tiny woman.

Like, she was a tiny little fat woman.

No, she would be six foot three if that's how tall she was compared to Abe in real life.

Exactly.

And it's like, he's got the hit.

Granted.

It's like, why is he as big as the building?

It's just because he was as big as the building baby.

You haven't seen that guy.

Yeah, but he didn't have a giant wife.

I've been to the Lincoln Memorial and according to that, he's 27 feet tall.

For the record, the Lincoln Memorial is actually really cool.

Very cool place.

Covered in Georgia, Monroe.

There was another election for Abe.

This time representing the people of Congress for the United States.

While he was in Washington, he showed that he would treat everyone with respect.

Because respect is what this period in government was completely known for.

Just everybody getting along.

No conflicts going on.

Yep.

Later, when a man named Douglas spoke out in favor of slavery, Abe argued against him.

He told people how wrong it was to have slaves.

Okay, and I want you to see Abe Lincoln on this page.

He's all like, I'm debating some shit.

Telling Douglas to go fuck himself.

People all over the country now knew Abe Lincoln.

By this time, there was trouble in the country.

The southern states said they would form their own country

if northerners would not let them keep their slaves.

Could Abe save the country from being divided?

The people thought he could.

They elected him president.

Okay, and now look at him.

Apparently being president fucks you up.

Which, you know, as far as from everything I've learned reading about presidents,

that is accurate.

And to be fair, yeah, being Lincoln became president at the time,

the job sucked worse than any other time I can imagine.

It's just so funny.

It's like they aged him a million years.

He aged a hundred years and has never slept once.

Yeah, since 1858 to 1860.

His eyes sunk a foot and a half into his skull.

It's just very funny.

And he just looks like a meth head now.

Yes.

And that's the meth head we saw, you know, in the cover.

Yeah, and he goes from an actual smiling, cheerful person

to someone who just looks like he's desperately trying to smile.

Just grim, somber son of a bitch.

Well, I mean, it's so funny because in this whole book,

you see Abraham doing nothing but smile,

and it's like, historically, did he smile a whole lot?

I don't know.

Because he always somber in all those pictures.

Yeah, but that's the problem is nobody smiled in pictures back then

because you had to stay in, you had to keep a still expression

for like 10 straight minutes to get a good photo.

That's why nobody ever smiled.

A long war called the Civil War started shortly after he became president.

During this war, Abe wrote a famous paper called the Emancipation Proclamation,

which freed all the slaves in the United States.

Abe Lincoln did save the country from being divided.

He gained the respect of people everywhere, which lasts to this day.

And again, it's like, look at the little picture at the bottom.

Yeah, so we have we have our rifles with bayonets,

just X in the background with Abe Lincoln holding up

the Emancipation Proclamation in 1862, just right in front with,

of course, the blue and gray caps of the two sides of the Civil War.

And, you know, he gained the respect of people everywhere, which lasts to this day.

Yep, except for that one guy.

And once again, yeah, and maybe half the country that wasn't super happy

about how he kept the country together by going to war against that half.

Yeah, but also, yeah, fuck the Confederacy.

Yeah, he put that motherfucker down.

Abraham Lincoln realized that things he learned in childhood

brought happiness to him throughout his life,

respect for others and being respected by them made Abe a happy person.

If happiness is important to you,

maybe you might want to bring respect into your life, too,

because respect and happiness go hand in hand.

I don't know how or why.

I still think they just pulled these keywords out of a hat

and just sort of arbitrarily slapped them onto people.

They don't really necessarily,

they don't do a very good job marrying the magic word to the story.

No, not at all.

The writing is terrible in these.

And then it's like, too,

and then the idea of holding Abraham Lincoln up is this model of happiness

when he's one of the more kind of grim and sad.

Which is bad.

It's like even in the picture of his memorial,

they have him looking just fucking...

He's still got the meth head face.

He's just like...

That's not what he looked like.

He just sat down, like he's just sat down for the first time in three days.

And just give me just a second, guys.

Yeah, Abraham Lincoln looking tired in America.

So anyway, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

So the end.

The end, because once again,

we cut off before what actually happens to these people.

So, yeah, previously we had a lady who died horribly

of the consequences of radiation poisoning,

but we don't want to talk about that.

And then also, of course,

we don't want to mention the fact that Abraham Lincoln ended his life

with a hole blown in the back of his head.

Yup.

And so, yeah, the synopsis on his life.

It's actually...

It's like it's so funny because, again,

they spent the entirety of this book talking about bullshit.

And then it was like at the very end,

they just like zip, zip, zip, zip, zip throughout his life.

What we need to do is talk just more about his squirrel

and him sleeping on leaves and stuff.

It's baffling choices this series makes over and over again.

Yeah, and again, it's like...

And I love the fact that we give him a squirrel sidekick,

but it's not even worth naming.

Just the squirrel.

I mean, even like fucking...

Oh, who had the doll?

Terrifying doll.

Oh, that was Elizabeth Fry.

Elizabeth Fry and her terrifying fucking demon doll.

It's like even Marjorie got a name.

But no, we have this squirrel.

And so what is Abe Lincoln's biography page like at the back?

Is it actually all right or do they do more bullshit?

All right.

I mean, Abraham Lincoln was born in February 12, 1809

in a dirt-floored log cabin in the frontier wilderness of central Kentucky.

He lived with his father Thomas, a farmer and a carpenter,

his mother Nancy, and his older sister Sarah.

The Lincoln family was very poor.

And again, it's like they don't mention the fact that he had other siblings

that just happened to have died.

They didn't count.

They don't want to tell the kids about how many kids used to die all the time.

That's unsettling.

Yeah.

So they're leaving out as like three other siblings that just happened to die.

Does that mean I might die, mommy?

Yeah, I mean, they were burying kids in this family.

Yeah, then again, so was everybody, especially poor people.

Poor people, of course.

First, they moved to another location in Kentucky,

then to Indiana and finally Illinois.

Abe was nine.

His mother died of a disease known as milk sickness.

What the fuck is milk sickness?

I actually looked this up and it's apparently,

when livestock eats this particular type of flower,

it's venomous and it turns their meat poisonous.

In the meat or the milk?

It's actually, they said it's in the meat and the milk.

Okay.

So, so she got some bad cow.

Yeah.

Yeah, the cow was eating some poisonous and mom died.

The Lincoln home was filled with loneliness until Abe's father remarried.

Abe's new stepmother, Sarah Johnson and her three children brought happiness to the Lincoln cabin.

But burgers were forever forbidden from the Lincoln home.

Apparently this was a pretty common thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just a risk you had to take back in the day.

Yup, sometimes.

Milk poison.

Sounds fucking terrible.

Don't worry, just, just drink some mercury and it'll be fine.

Yup.

It was Abe's stepmother who stimulated his interest in learning and reading.

His knowledge of a natural sense of humor resulted in Abe becoming a popular speaker.

He grew strong, went to New Orleans.

All the shit.

Yep.

Abe left home when he was 21 and went to New Salem, Illinois.

A community of log cabins near the state capital of Springfield.

He took a job as a clerk.

Which is why Kentucky and Illinois till to this day kind of fight over who gets to be the,

the, the place Lincoln is quote unquote from.

Yeah.

Born in Kentucky, but Illinois likes to claim him because that's where he got his career going.

Yep.

He later bought a grocery store.

The grocery store failed, but Abe voluntarily paid off all of his debts.

An act for which he was nicknamed Honest Abe.

By now he had taken an interest in politics.

And they didn't mention it, but he owned the store with, uh, with another dude.

It was a business venture and he was also a barkeeper.

A bartender.

Abe Lincoln Bartender is another Lincoln Bartender movie.

We could have cocktail except it's Abe Lincoln.

Yep.

And apparently the reason that the, uh, the cool bar failed was because his partner was

an alcoholic and he was having to do all the work and he couldn't manage his drunk friend.

His drunk friend.

Fucking probably just giving away booze and partying with his buddies.

And then he's like, whatever you are drinking all the inventory.

And I'm over here slinging drinks.

In 1834, he was elected to the Illinois state legislator where he served four consecutive two.

Two year terms.

In 1836, he received his license to practice law and

eventually gained a reputation as an able and effective lawyer.

So he was an elected official before he got his law degree.

Yes.

Interesting.

In 1842, he married Mary Todd and they had four sons, Robert, Edward, William, and Thomas.

Tad.

Yep.

That little, that little adorable boy with a bright future from the beginning of the book.

Yeah.

Abe's first exposure to national politics came when he was elected to the US, the US house of

representatives in 1846, he served only one term.

He returned to his law practice in Springfield and, and for a while he had lost interest in

politics in 1855 with slavery.

Now on the national political issue, Abe once again became interested in politics.

He spoke out against slavery, but was defeated in a bid for the US Senate seat.

In 1858, he tried again for the seat in the Senate against incumbent Stephen A. Douglas.

Abe, in a series of seven debates with Douglas, condemned slavery as moral, social, and political

evil.

Douglas won the election, but the debates gained Abe a national reputation.

So yeah, it's like this one's way more straightforward.

Just try basic stuff.

Yep.

Yep.

So now people know that Lincoln's good at the debates and now he's good at politics.

And now he is going to ride that ticket straight to the White House.

Abe's reputation resulted in his nomination for president in 1860 by the anti-slavery

Republican party.

On November 6th of that year, he was elected president.

Before he could take office, seven states led by South Carolina succeeded from the union.

The civil war began when troops from the Southern states fired on Fort Sumter in Charleston

Harbor, South Carolina in April, 1861.

The war raged for exactly four years.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Not four years in one day.

Exactly.

And now, yeah.

So many choices.

And how does it, what does it say?

Is that, what is, where does it end with Lincoln?

On September 22nd, 1862, Abe issued the Emancipation Proclamation, which declared all slaves of

the Confederate States were free.

This action led to the 13th amendment of the, of the constitution, which abolished slavery

in all parts of the United States.

Abe was easily reelected in 1864 to a second term as president.

The civil war was drawing to a close.

On April 9th, 1865, General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Confederate forces to General

Ulysses S. Grant.

Five days later, April 14th, 1865, Abe was assassinated while attending a play at Ford's

Theater in Washington, DC by John Wilkes Booth, an actor and fanatical supporter of the Confederacy.

He's all dead, but well-respected.

Yeah, we still respect Abe quite a bit for at least.

And the presidency ages you a million years, except of course, Donald Trump.

And of course the Republican party cannot ever, nothing they do is racist because they're

the party of Lincoln.

Forever.

Forever.

So it's like nothing else counts.

That's the only thing that matters.

So shh.

Shh.

On all the racism.

Let's not talk about all this stuff.

So, all right.

Well, I guess we have covered Abe Lincoln.

Respect.

Pirate hunter, bartender, lawyer, squirrel whisperer.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

And R-I-P.

Yeah.

He needed that night at the theater, like a hole in the head.

And so that's it for this episode of Chainsaw History.

Thank you for sticking with us.

Again, if you're hearing our voices, you should head over to chainsawhistory.com to check

out our entire back catalog bonus episodes, such as more of the Value Up series, like

we just did, or No Time for Love, Dr. Jones, where I forced Bambi to go through the entire

life of Indiana Jones and all of the historical people and events that he bounces off of through

the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and then later on the movies, which is fun, says I.

And also you can find bonus features such as articles and other cool stuff.

If you support us and help us out, you can support at a $5 level or even higher if you

think we are worth it.

So thank you.

And you also have a thank you.

Oh, thank you, Kevin.

Our sound engineer and our beautiful home here at Raven Sound Studios.

We appreciate and love our new digs.

And I guess we're going to stop calling them new soon.

We've been here a little while now.

Yeah.

But every time we come in, there's like, he's changed some stuff now.

There's always new stuff here.

Now we get a table and like our microphones are on cool stands.

They wibble wobble a little bit more.

It's pretty sweet.

Thanks, Kevin.

So, you know, everybody be like Abe, grow seven feet tall with the strength of 10 men.

And respect others, including your imaginary squirrel friends.

Battle river pirates wherever you find them.

Battle river pirates and become a bartender.

We could have had Abe Lincoln bartender.

Abe Lincoln bartender is another movie idea that is worth exploring.

Yeah.

Why didn't Steven Spielberg give us that movie?

Yeah.

Oh, well.

All right.

Until next time, everybody.

Catch you later.

Bye.

And we're done.