Description: Wellness charlatans are repackaging grandma's garden weeds with Silicon Valley buzzwords, charging nine bucks for what amounts to herbal tea with constipation remedies. While the FDA naps, Patagonia-vested bros are mixing pond water with dandelion root, promising Stephen Hawking's brain and a rhino's libido in every overpriced sip.

Spice Index: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

We chase these magic potions because deep down we're terrified that success takes actual work. Easier to chug $14 mushroom piss than admit our careers need therapy, not tinctures. We're buying permission to feel superior while doing nothing—the ultimate American dream. Plus, nothing says "evolved human" like bankrupting yourself for pond scum that tastes like a swamp monster's armpit.