In this episode of The Green Horizon, the crew are invited to partake in a traditional American custom.

The Green Horizon is a Lovie Awards shortlisted sci-fi audio comedy that focuses on a na'er - do - well Irish space captain and his rag-tag crew as they traverse a war-torn Galaxy in search of fame and fortune.

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Season 2 Episode 2

Thanksgive-a-bals

[Low engine hum, sound of toilet flushing, one set of metal footsteps coming toward the scene]

G: Ugh, okay...it's out.

S: Is that it in your hand?

G: Yeah, want to hold it?

S: Never, not even in my nightmares.

G: Relax, I gave it a rinse under the tap.

S: If you dipped it in chemical bleach and threw it into a furnace...I would still refuse to hold its ashes.

J: Did it hurt Gino?

G: Oh yes Jilly, it hurt. It hurt alot. Do you remember that curry we had at Spicy Johns Meat Palace?

J: The Red Giant Surprise? Don't remind me.

G: Yeah well imagine passing that, but instead of mystery meat...it's a metal tracking beacon!

B: Don't be too mad Gino, if Jilly hadn't made you swallow it, we never would have found you!

RR: It's pretty big, how did you not notice swallowing it in the first place?

G: Well the answers' pretty obvious there lads and I'd rather not say.

S: Drunk...he was drunk.

G: You're only saying that because I'm Irish.

S: And what am I exactly?

G: Ah you know what I mean...you're like...Order Irish. You're not one with the common man, like me.

B: Says the man who wanted to erect a picture of himself in the Canteen.

J: And attend an officers only party.

G: What are ye trying to say lads?

S: You have notions Gino. You think you're better than everyone else.

G: That's a heap of shite. I'm more humble than any of you.

RR: Well...you all do.

S: Excuse me?

RR: All you Earthers. You all think you're the best because you were born on the home planet.

B: That's not true Redbekka.

RR: Yeah it is. You guys are so determined to make sure everybody knows you're not just Earthers...you're Irish. We Off-Worlders need to know the most intricate socio-political national Identities in order not to offend any of you guys. God forbid I call a guy from New Zealand an Austrailian, or a Swiss guy French, or Swedish guy Danish! We even need to know what part of a country you're from, otherwise you get annoyed.

G: Becks, we "Earthers" as you call us, aren't that petty.

[Metal footsteps approaching]

P: Hey guys, jeez that bathroom is stinky!

RR: Hey Peter, what part of Ireland are the guys from?

P: Oh uh...Wexford right?

G: [Shouting loudly] I told you Peter a million fucking times it's Waterford!

B: Oh now I see it.

RR: You guys call Peter Canadian, but he's Primean of Canadian decent.

P: Yeah, I'm from the Golden Provence...Go Wildcats!

RR: You guys call me Penthusian, but I'm Hybraxian of Penthus. We even have our own National Holiday that Cheimon, Eastmonth and the Fetch don't celebrate. Hybrax is the Capital city of the Hybraxia region...a country in its own right. But according to you we're all the same.

G: To be fair though, we're not the only Planet with notions.

B: Yeah, no offence Peter but the people of Hera Prime are very snobby.

RR: That's because your planet made his planet that way. You call Hera Prime the 'Jewel of the Exosolar Planets'. Whereas Penthus is...what? The Skidmark on the Galactic underwear I heard you call it.

G: [says quietly] She's a Master of political Sociology but doesn't know how to mop a fucking floor.

RR: What was that?

G: Nothing. Look, just...fine. I'll make more of an effort in the future. Okay?

RR: Sure, I don't really care anyway.

G: Oh for...[grumbles angrily].

S: Gino?

G: Yes?!

S: What's our plan?

G: Well it's not changed since this morning Sonya. We're going to slowly drift here in the Tantam Void until all the heat from that trafficker dies down.

S: You mean Vraxia Le Thor?

G: No Santa. Yes Vraxia Le Thor.

B: I still cant believe she's a high level Slaver. I used to put money in her charity boxes.

S: I can't imagine someone like that just giving up on finding us. Especially if she's gone to great lengths to keep her dark dealings secret.

G: Look, Mendas said it himself. Leopold King is dead, there is a massive Slavery vaccum that needs to be filled. Le Thor will be so busy making the Galaxy a worse place for everybody, that she'll forget all about us.

P: Captain as your Security Officer-

[Interrupting]

G: Probationary.

P: Oh what? Really?

G: Yep.

S: [quietly to Peter] Don't worry you're doing a great job.

P: Anyway, I think if we're going to hide in a massive void of Space, we should at least run through a few Wormholes first.

B: Peters' right Gino. I mean, we're still in the Prometheus system technically.

G: Okay firstly, Peter you're fired-

[Interrupting]

P: What?!

S: [Quietly to Peter] No you're not, don't worry here's a jelly.

P: Ooh lemon!

G: Secondly, there's only one Wormhole out of the Prometheus system. I bet you any money there's Pylorian Hellion Fighters just waiting to take us out.

B: Also Gino's terrified to go through a Wormhole ever since he saw that Ghost.

G: I told you that in confidence!

S: Well either way, I don't know if I'm comfortable staying in the Tantam Void. Lot of wierd people out here.

G: As opposed to who we've already ran into?

S: Fair point. Okay, but if we are going to stay here...I need to keep up my appointment with my psychiatrist.

G: Seriously?

S: Yes. My next appointment is next week, and I'm going.

G: Jesus Christ...fine. But if you get picked up by crazy slaver nuns...I don't know you.

S: Deal.

[console beep]

J: Incoming vessel.

[Scanner trill]

J: It's a small unarmed ship-

[Console beep}

J: Computer can't name it. It's unregistered.

S: Definately Voiders. They live off the grid. Most never even come into contact with an Order representative.

G: Fuck do they want?

B: Very diplomatic.

G: Put 'em through. Berny head down to engines incase there's trouble. Peter you know the drill, stand behind me-

[Interrupting]

P: Will I get the paper bag?

G: No, never again.

RR: What about me?

G: Make us a cup of tea?

RR: Sure.

G: What? Okay where's Becks and what have you done with her?

RR: Fuck you.

G: There she is! [Shouts] And use a feckin' spoon!

J: Coming through now Gino.

Pa Seabrook (PS): Hello? Hel-Oh! Howdy Folks!

G: [Quietly] Oh for fuck sake. [normal volume, Heroic Music] Hello, this is Captain Gino Whelan of the Green Horizon...Can we help you?

PS: Is that the Captain? Honey I can't see him.

Ma Seabrook (MS): You're looking at the wrong screen honey.

[Heroic Music abruptly ends]

G: [sighs]

PS: What? Where am I supposed to look?

G: You're looking at the feedback screen.

PS: What was that, young man?

G: The fee-[Shouts] The feedback screen!

PS: I think I'm looking at the wrong screen darling.

G: Good lord. Turn your head slightly to your left.

PS: Oh?

G: Feck, no my left!

PS: Oh. There y'all are!

G: Yep. Here we are.

PS: Well howdy there fellow Traveller. My name's John, but you can call me Pa, and this here is my loving wife Anita, but you can call her Ma!

MS: Howdy y'all!

PS: We're the Seabrooks!

G: Great. That all?

S: Gino! Be polite.

PS: Well, no. We were actually wondering if you might be a little hungry?

G: Why?

PS: Well, see we're big on tradition here in the Seabrook family. The Government may have forgotten the Core values but us Voiders well...we still remember the old ways.

G: Right?

MS: We want you guys for dinner!

J: Aw that's lovely.

PS: Thanksgiving actually!

P: Oh, I've heard of that actually. They eat swans don't they?

MS: No, turkey silly!

G: Okay well thanks for the offer lads but eh, see we're pretty busy here...swamped actually. We have to deliver a whole crate of eh...human hearts to the aul...hospital. If they get left too long they'll go all soggy. Worth shag all then you know?

PS: Oh okay well, thanks for takin' the time to hear us out!

S: Gino! Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Seabrook, two seconds. I'll just mute your call there.

MS: No problem darlin'! Ooh you're a cutie pie! Ain't she a cutie pie Pa?

PS: Look at that porcelain skin!

[Console mutes]

B: Lads what's the story? Will I get us ready to go? [Radio]

G: Yeah Bernard.

S: No Bernard. Gino, I can't believe you sometimes. This nice old couple invite us over for dinner and you just...tell 'em to feck off.

G: Oh come on Sonya, they're Yanks.

P: I think they were Texans.

G: Even worse!

J: Gino I'm starving. All this dehydrated food we're eating is making me-

[Interrupting]

G: Ah don't want to know!

J: Sick, I was going to say sick.

P: Please cap. I sure could go for some swan right about now.

S: Turkey Peter.

G: He's a fuckin' turkey.

J: Gino!

G: Why are you sticking up for him? Are ye'e all lovey dovey now?

J: We haven't talked about that yet, thanks for bringing it up though.

[Approaching footsteps]

RR: Tea here.

G: Ah brilliant. Finally, somebody who doesn't dissapoint me.

[slurps, spits it out]

G: Gah, what did you do to it?

S: Oh god RedBekka what did you put in it?

[Approaching footsteps]

RR: Nothing! Hot water, teabag, 3 sugars, milk. It's not rocket science.

B: Actually rocket science is pretty straightforward. Quantum Gyro Shift Mechanics however...[Shudders]

G: It's so salty.

RR: Wait...which one was the sugar shaker?

G: There's no such thing as a sugar shaker you...ah forget it, I'll make it myself.

S: You're not leaving until you agree to the invitation.

RR: What's up?

J: Gino won't let us go over to the nice old couple's spaceship for dinner because they're American culturalists.

G: Texans.

RR: Well, can't say I'm surprised.

G: No, this has nothing to do with what we spoke about earlier.

RR: It's the exact same thing.

G: But they're Texans!

S: I say we vote.

G: This isn't a democracy! What would the government say if they found out we voted on something?

S: Hands up if you want an actual homecooked dinner.

RR: Okay so that's five.

G: I hate you all. Especially you Peter.

P: What?

RR: (Whispering) Don't worry, we're all proud of you.

G: Right, fine. Let's go. But if something happens I swear to god Becks I am holding you responsible.

RR: Fine.

G: Now I have to go get ready and my nice pants are in the dryer. God and my hair...why didn't ye'e tell me my hair is a state.

(slurps)

G: Gah, forgot the salt again!

(INTRO)

(Low engine Hum)

The crew are all standing in the cargo hold, wearing their best clothes. All are seemingly happy, save for Gino, who cannot hide his sour face behind his hastily gelled curly hair

(Thud)

S: They've docked.

G: Fucking hooray.

J: Gino, I don't want any sulking from you.

B: Think they have mushy peas? I love mushy peas. God it's been so long since I've had a good roast dinner.

G: I don't know what ye're all on about, we had a delicious roast there yesterday.

S: Chicken-in-a-can does not count. Look, it's been two days since Alchemelia...chances are we are going to be hiding out in the Tantam void for a good while-

(Interrupting)

G: What about your insanely regimented psychiatrist visit?

S: Yeah well I'm hardly going to have enough time to hang about after am I? And that's the problem Gino. For the next while any social interactions we have are going to be stressful. The Tantam void isn't exactly full of life. There's a few Trading stations and small Colonial Townships but that's it.

B: There's also a Galaxy Burger.

S: Really?

B: Yep, I've checked.

RR: Oooh, I love their Dodo Burger.

S: Anyway, everything we do will have to be rushed, and done discreetly or in disguise. Can we just enjoy one last meal with people we know mean us no harm before we have to go into hiding?

G: Okay...you're right. You're actually right, I'm sorry lads. Feck it, let's make this the best Thanks-thingy ever.

P: Do you mean it Gino?

G: Yes I do Peter. Suddenly I feel very festive. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting lads towards all of you...especially you Peter. I...love all of you.

(Silence)

B: That was odd.

G: Yeah it felt weird as soon as I said it.

P: It's a Christmas miracle.

RR: Wrong holiday buddy.

J: Oh They're coming through. Happy faces everyone!

(Door opens)

MS: Well, now...don't you all look positively scrumptous! Pa! Look at the lil' one here in her lil' polkadot dress and shoes! Don't you look so cute! Why I could just eat you right now!

RR: Thanks, it's the perfect disguise.

MS: Uhh, I'm sorry darlin' I don't get your meaning?

S: [quietly to RedBekka] Just pretend you're a sweet and innocent kid, not unless you want chicken in a can again?

RR: Right uh, [imitates childish voice] I mean, thank you ma'am. I like the dots especially, they look like stars!

S: [Quietly to Redbekka] Good job. Here's a jelly.

RR: Ooh strawberry!

PS: Well now ain't y'all a fine lookin' crew? Are all of y'all Irish?

G: Not all of us, our Security Officer Peter is Penthusian of Canadian descent.

P: Hey there folks!

G: And Rebecca here is Hybraxian of Penthus. See everyone, I'm learning.

PS: Oh the little one is a local..., are your parents aboard?

G: Yeah yep they are! Would be weird if they weren't!

MS: Well this is your whole crew, who're her parents?

G: You what now?

MS: Who are your parents sweetie?

RR: Uhhh-

[Interrupting]

G: Why it's Bernard obviously!

B: What?

J: What?

G: And Jilly!

P: What?

G: Yep...they're married. They are a married couple...and Becks is their adoptive daughter.

MS: Oh great, and you captain...You and the cutie pie here-

[Interrupting]

S: Me?

G: Sonya?

MS: Why yes! You're an item correct? I can always sense these things!

S: Ehhh-

[Interrupting]

G: Yes! We are an item as you said...Bernard an Jilly are married and Sonya and I are sleeping together in the same bed.

PS: Well, your sleeping arrangements are your own business!

MS: And what about this fine tall gentleman?

P: What? I'm really confused.

MS: It's okay darlin'. We don't judge!

P: What?

PS: We don't care about that kind of thing, we like to consider ourselves progressive on matters relatin' to the heart.

MS: Yeah sweetie, you wanna be gay, be gay!

P: What?

J: What?

B: What?!!!

G: Yep! That's right! Peter's gay!

P: I am?

G: Yep. Bernard and Jilly are married and Redbekka is their adoptive daughter. Sonya and I are sleeping together and Peter is a big gay man, [On the verge of a freak out] It all just makes so much sense!!!

MS: Um Captain are you alright?

S: He just gets this way around new people. Would you mind giving us a minute?

PS: All of you?

B: Yep, we just need to calm him down, it's an Irish thing.

P: Oh well you guys don't need me, I'll head on in with Mr. and Ms. Swan here!

J: No Peter you stay here.

P: Okey dokey.

PS: Well alright, just come through the hatch and into the dining room when you're done. It's just through the door and dead ahead!

MS: C'mon Pa, the yams are probably done.

S: Thanks guys.

G: [Weakly] Can't wait for the stuffing.

[Two sets of footsteps walking away, sound of hatch door opening and closing]

B: I'll give you fecking stuffing!

P: Guys am I gay?

B: No Peter.

P: But how do you know?

B: Are you attracted to me?

P: Oh Bernard man, I see you as more of a friend.

B: Are you attracted to Jilly?

P: Wh-what man...what kinda question is that? Is it hot in here?

B: You're not gay Peter.

RR: Maybe you're not his type Bernard.

S: Gino?

G: [quiet moan]

S: So em...first impressions wise, that did not go too well.

J: What were you thinking Gino?

G: Oh god...[slaps self] no not a dream. We just have to go with this.

S: You're saying this as if our current situation was unavoidable.

G: Mm-Hmm.

S: If we were to go back and really examine our first encounter with the Seabrooks-

G: Yep.

S: Really, you know, pick apart the conversation...go through it with a fine toothcomb-

G: Uh-Huh.

S: You'd see that, well, all of this...all of it...is your fault.

G: Yeah. [Draw out the 'Yeah', as if you are in pain from cringy embarrasment]

S: So, what the feck were you thinking?

G: I don't know, I panicked! When they asked who's Becks's parents I thought 'Oh jaysus who's the most fatherly?' and obviously it can't be me, Peter's a walking fire hazard...you were all that was left. I picked Jilly because between her and Sonya...well...

S: Well?

G: You're not exactly very...motherly.

J: Fair.

S: Hey I could be motherly!

RR: You bought me a switchblade.

S: Yeah I did didn't I?

G: See? There's method in my madness.

S: Okay so then what about us?

G: Well, I just didn't want them thinking we were living single like...wouldn't want them getting ideas about us.

B: No, no. They just got ideas about Peter.

G: Yeah I kinda forgot about that...then as it turns out they're pretty liberal about all that, perhaps that could've been handled better.

S: Perhaps?

B: Look, we can stand here all day and berate Gino, which normally I would love to do, but we've got a dinner to eat...so lets just take a minute, absorb our roles...and head in there like the strange little crew we purport ourselves to be.

RR: Okay dad.

J: This is weird.

RR: It sure is mom.

S: Oh good lord.

P: Bernard how do I act gay?

B: I'm not even- I'm not going near that one.

RR: Chicken-in-a-can anyone?

S: Deep breaths everyone. We stay calm, eat our dinner and promptly leave. Think before you speak and for the love of god Peter...no horrible war stories.

P: You got it!

S: Okay, we can do this! Big smiles guys...remember, we're normal people.

P: I can already taste that swan!

S: Maybe it's not too late to run away.

End of Part 1

[ADVERTISEMENT]

Dave's Dark Digiblast

Greetings fellow travellers, this is Dave's Dark Digiblast. I am coming to you from the Truthseeker, in orbit around Penthus. Last week, we spoke about the Unicorn conspiracy of Iceland and the fake countries that the Government use as write offs *coughs* Finland *coughs*.

This week we have a very special episode. As we near the tenth anniversary of the dissapearance of the Posiedon, and the vanishing of the Atlasmen, I have put together a group of pre-recorded interviews of people who are, or claim to be, connected to the Atlas project...and boy, do we come to some remarkable conclusions in this episode.

But our first interview is a more human story. I spoke to a woman, her name protected for reasons that will soon become clear, whose sister fought at the battle of Oaken...for the Alliance. Here's some of what she had to say:

"As soon as we found out [bleep] had been killed fighting the Soldiers of Atlas, we had to leave Hera Prime straight away. We knew the Inquisition were on their way to arrest us and send us all to Shatterfrost. We had no time, we even left our dog behind. Dad killed himself a few months later. I think the stress of it all was too much in the end, he loved [bleep] and just couldn't come to terms with what she had done to herself and all of us."

Our second guest, truthseekers, is a man claiming to be from that secret organisation that you've all heard me mention at least once per episode, that's right folks, Monolith. You know the one; human experimentation, modification, mutilation, viral cultivation, the elixer of immortality, the creation of the singularity. These boys got their fingers in all the darkest pies. Here's what my guest, again whose identity had to be protected, had to say:

"My division, we were working on Cognitive Manipulation, you know, to use on suspected Alliance personnel and their families. Anyway, a little while after the Posiedon vanishes...a rumour starts circling, you know...word gets 'round the Canteen. Apparently, one of the divisions aboard Monolith was responsible."

Dave: "And do you know which one it was?"

"Yes, it was [Bleep]"

What? Do you think I'm going to give away the big reveal Truthseekers? You'll just have to stay tuned for that one.

After that well...I have something of a fun fact for all you truthseekers out there. Despite it being common knowledge that the entire standing army of Atlasmen vanished along with the Poseidon...did you know that some former Soldiers of Atlas walk among us.

And no, sceptics out there, this is not a conspiracy, this is fact. You see, Atlasmen can retire from active duty when they reach 30...thing is few make it to 30...hazard of the job.

This brings me back to my 3rd guest truthseekers. This morning...I spoke to a retired S.O.A.

His rank authenticated...the real thing. Dutch, as he preffered to be called, retired just 3 weeks before his squadmates mysteriously dissapeared.

But Dutch didn't talk much about the Posiedon dissapearance...instead he spoke about a growing problem that many Atlasmen Vets are facing: They are all dying young of Cancer. Even Dutch, at just 39 years old...is dying of Thyroid Cancer, and he thinks the Government are responsible. Here's just some of what he had to say:

"They were pumping it through the vents man...Ionizing radiation. You could taste it."

Dave: "And why were they doing this, Buck?"

"Look man, we S.O.A's retire at 30. That's a long time left to live on a big pension. The government don't wanna pay us man. They want us to die young, either on the battlefield or...soon after."

Sad stuff truthseekers...Sad and worrying stuff. Our final guest is my old friend Corden Rhys of Cordens' Conspiracy Comix. We spoke about that fateful day 9 years ago, and tried to compile everything we knew...what we came up with...will shock you, and turn what you know about the Order of Humanity on its head. Here's a clip of what we had to say:

"Dave, anybody who can see past the consumerism bullshit that our Government pumps into us everyday can see that we're nothing more than cannon fodder to their grand scheme."

Dave: "Just like Volos. They've left that planet to die."

"Oh don't get me started on Volos Dave. Whatever got them got the Posiedon too."

Dave: "Well our Monolith man said it was one of his divisions...the uh [Bleep] department."

"Oh I believe it man I fuckin' believe it. You know, here's what bugs me Dave. This whole thing about the Posiedon vanishing...it didn't fuckin' vanish man. We know where it is...Volos. We just can't go there...because you-know-what blockaded it."

"Are you talking about- [Static]

[Static ends, Radio tunes out]

Part 2

[Hatch Door closes]

[The Crew walk through the Seabrooks ship, toward the dining area]

B: [sniffs] Oh my god, that smells so good.

G: If we play our cards right lads, we can leave this ship with full bellies.

RR: And valuables.

G: Don't you dare!

[Door opens to kitchen. Ma Seabrook is cooking a 'ham' in a giant steel pot, PA is sitting down at the top of the table beside his supposed son Jeffrey (JS)]

PS: Well there y'all are! We thought you hightailed it!

MS: Take a seat, the ham's still boiling, [sips broth] gonna be another couple minutes.

G: You never mentioned a third crew member?

PS: Oh! My apologies! Well this here is Jeffrey, he's our son.

J: Hello there!

MS: Don't expect a reply, on account of his Mutism.

PS: Why don't y'all sit down? Here Peter, you sit beside Jeffrey.

[chair creak]

PS: Bernard and Jilly can sit opposite, and Rebecca beside them. The Captain and his gal can sit at the end there!

[chair creaks and squeaks]

PS: Well now, ain't we a pretty group. Why don't y'all tell me about yourselves?

G: Well, we're a cargo and passenger ship mostly, we sometimes-

[interrupting]

MS: Not about your ship darlin. About you!

[Table bangs]

P: Ah! Something's rubbing my leg!

PS: I think Jeffrey's taken a liking to you Son!

MS: Jeffrey's like you, son. We don't bring many guests aboard either, I don't think Jeffrey's had a male companion in a long time.

B: [Quietly] Feckin' typical.

MS: Bernard, why you look like a real charmer...how did y'all meet your wife?

B: My what?

G: Jilly.

J: What?

G: No, Jesus Christ. Jilly is your wife.

B: Oh yes, of coarse. My wife. How did I meet my Wife....how did I...Jilly?

J: What?

B: How did I meet you?

J: Eh, [stammers] Gay bar.

G: What?

S: What?

PS: Come again?

J: Gay bar. We met at a gay bar.

RR: Jeez Mom and Dad you never told me!

MS: And was y'all there for business or pleasure?

B: No, I...I got lost on my way to the Steak and...Nudity bar.

J: And I worked in the coat rack. Double-Breasted...see? That's a coat.

B: Yes, and that night the only Double-Breasted item I checked out was you...[painfully] Darling.

[Peter slams the table and rises in anger]

P: Okay Mister, you and me outside, right now!

[awkward silence]

MS: Are you alright Son?

P: Uhh, Gino...a word?

G: What?

P: In private.

PS: Y'all can talk in the Boiler Closet over there if you're in need of a man to man. Just watch out for the Jerky I got hanging.

G: Feck sake, fine.

[The two get up, walk to the closet, door opens and closes, awkward silence]

S: It's an Irish thing, you wouldn't understand.

PS: But he's Canadian.

RR: Well actually-

[cut to-

Gino and Bernard standing close together in a dark hot water closet, dangling Jerky swinging and knocking off their heads.

G: [spluttering] Gah, this feckin' Jerky keeps swinging into my face.

P: I like it actually, it's a salty surprise.

G: Right moving past that. What the feck dya want?

P: Okay Gino, am I going crazy or is Bernard completely out of line?

G: [sighs] You're not going crazy Peter.

P: Thank you.

G: You are crazy. You are completely fecking off your head. Like, sometimes I wake up and wonder were you specifically put in my life as a punishment from God.

P: Gino, he's all over Jilly!

G: Peter...I'm not entirely sure if you're a real person. Again, back to the God thing...maybe I stab you and nothing comes out. Maybe you're just the physical embodiment of frustration-

P: Oh no I'm pretty real and full of blood and stuff. I got shot in the testicle during the Cuban Rebellion and...oh man the blood was crazy. Here you wanna see?

G: No I don't want to see!

P: Okey Dokey.

G: You remember Bernard came out right? You remember that? Please, it's very important to me that you remember that.

P: Sure! I remember that.

G: And you understand the implications of that?

P: Yes.

G: Bernard...is gay. He is a gay man.

P: Uh Huh.

G: And as a Gay man...he likes men.

P: Sure, with you so far Gino.

G: Now were he bisexual...yes he would be attracted to women aswell.

P: Yeah.

G: But he's not. He is gay. Gay, gay, gay, likes men, gay.

P: Sure, uh huh.

G: So, as a gay man...he does not find Jilly attractive.

P: Then why is he coming onto her Gino?!

G: Be...Because we're Pretending!!!!

P: Sure, I know that Gino. But the way he spoke about her...no actor could be that convincing.

G: He compared her to a suit jacket.

P: God he's good! And to think, I was gonna ask you for advice on how to date Jilly.

G: What? That's a bit weird.

P: Well you know her better than anyone.

G: True...okay look, I guaran-feckin-tee you that Bernard is no threat to your...[say it like you're about to be sick] pursuit...of my sister.

P: Okay Gino, if you're sure.

G: I am. Now, as for the advice-

P: Yeah?

G: I have some thoughts. Firstly-

P: Hang on, I got a notepad and pen here.

[rummaging]

P: Okay go.

G: Okay, Jilly...actually all women, love boats. So just, talk alot about boats.

[Peter begins furiously scribbling]

P: Okay... boats, gotcha.

G: Jilly loves being told she's wrong. So when you're on a date, make sure you tell her that she's wrong and you're right about everything. Even if she isn't, and when you tell her she's wrong...make sure you mention the fact that being a women is probably why she's wrong.

P: Uh huh...wrong...keep going.

G: Jilly has a keen interest in urine. So talk about that too.

P: Urine? Really?

G: Yeah, it's an Irish thing. So make sure to talk about it alot. It's viscosity, colour, temperature. Compsition...it's just water, salt, urea...Kidney excretions if you're fancy.

P: An Irish thing huh? Something to do with Potatoes I bet!

G: Oh yeah that too! The Great Famine, take the piss out of it. We Irish love making fun of a horrible event that nearly wiped us out!

P: Boy Gino you're a real treasure chest of information!

G: Oh I surely am Peter, and finally...now get this down. Make sure to bring a bag of batteries with you to the date.

P: Why Gino?

G: Well, Jilly loves this. When she has her back turned, clock her in the back of the head with one and blame somebody else, even if it's just you two. She'll think it's a brilliant joke.

P: Done! Well, thanks...future brother in law!

G: [quietly] Not if I can help it.

P: What was that?

G: Nothing boy, nothing atall.

Door opens, Peter and Gino walk back, Jilly is in the middle of telling a story

[Fade in conversation]

J: And she was just standing there, all mad lookin'. She was holding the bomb and screaming about how we were all about to go to hell, then-

Bangs table

J: Peter blows her head clean off. There's blood and brains everywhere! The bullet is still lodged in the Atmospheric actuator...Gino, we should probably get that fixed-

G: Jilly, I'm sure the Seabrooks don't want to hear about brains and goo so close to dinner-

MS: Oh don't worry darlin', we don't mind!

PS: Yeah, we love hearing about other people's adventures! We don't get much excitement here aboard the Lammergeier.

B: Ah, I was just about to ask if you'd named your ship.

S: We couldn't get a Vessel ID when we first encountered you, since you're unregistered. What is it...the Lammergeier?

PS: Yeah, we named it after our favourite Terran animal.

MS: It's a magnificent African Eagle.

P: Vulture.

PS: Excuse me son?

P: It's a Vulture. A pretty crazy one too. It eats the bones of the dead. We came accross a whole nest of 'em in Central Africa during the Diamond Skirmishes. They were eating...well you know.

PS: Uh, huh...well...aren't you a well educated man.

Gino coughs up his drink

MS: Well nevertheless, we love stories here...and your sister has been filling us in on all of your adventures.

G: Not everything I hope.

J: Oh don't worry, I didn't mention the other thing...you know-

G: Yes.

J: In the place-

G: Yes I understand.

J: With you know who-

G: Yes! I get it, stop winking!

PS: Well, we may lead a quiet life now, but...the Seabrooks ain't a stranger to danger.

B: Would you like to share a story yourself?

PS: If y'all be willin' to listen!

RR: If there's drugs and violence I'm all ears.

S: [clears throat]

RR: I mean...(childish voice) puppies and candy!

PS: Maybe it's best you put your hands over your ears sweetheart.

B: Here I'll do it.

RR: (quietly) Try it and I'll jam this fork into your kidney!

B: Ehh, I mean...I think she's old enough. Go on, let's hear it.

PS: Okay, well...we wasn't always unregistered Voiders as I'm sure you can tell by our accents. Me and Ma met in a little place in Texas called Sulphur Springs. We married there, and I worked for the local Mill. Well, everythings Postcard Perfect till...we get word that operations are being moved skyward to Dryades in Oaken. We get told, 'you either ship off with 'em...or say goodbye to your citizenship'.

S: There's a shocker. This wouldn't happen to have been part of the Pioneer Project would it?

PS: The very same.

S: It's despicable. Forcing people to colonize to keep their citizenships.

G: Jesus Sonya...

S: What?

G: I mean...you were an Officer of the Order.

S: Were.

B: Guys c'mon, we're getting sidetracked here.

S: Sorry, please...continue.

MS: No, it's okay Darlin', it boils our blood too.

PS: Well anyway, we arrive at Dryades and I start my new job at New Holland Oats when...all of a sudden, The All Nations Alliance decide to start their war.

S: Oh my god, you were there for the Insurrexion of Oaken?

MS: We sure were darlin'.

G: Jesus christ, what...what was it like?

PS: Well Gino, it was chaos to put it frankly. Every street full'a folks killin' folks. Bodies everywhere, neighbour killin' neighbour, brother killin' brother. The Alliance had their crusade, and unleashed the Dead Presidents to do the dirty work. They sent Death Squads into Blue Zones, Housing for Upper management and their families, and left none alive. When the guns finally went quiet, the fire came.

S: The Puritans?

PS: Yep. The Alliance managed to beat them outta Dryades before they could burn the whole city but...Eireen wasn't so lucky. We could see it's burning glow at night, and we were 100 miles away.

B: That must've been horrible.

PS: Well, Bernard...that wasn't the worst of it. The Atlasmen comin'...that was it. They blockaded the whole City, starved the Alliance out. But, it wasn't just the rebels they starved...but good folks like us...Ma and me.

MS: And Jeffrey!

PS: Yeah, Jeffrey too. By the time the Atlasmen marched through the gate, people had started eatin' each other.

B: How did you survive?

PS: The Mill, it gave the workers enough rations to survive. We lived on watery oats for 6 months before the siege ended. But it did, and when it did, we took all the money we had saved ...bought this here ship and started our new life here in the Void as unregistered citizens.

MS: And we never looked back.

S: Well, I'm glad you've found some peace.

PS: We have. And every year we invite strangers 'round for Thanksgiving Dinner, to be thankful for having now, what we didn't have on Oaken.

MS: And with that, the ham is ready!

[Pot lid opens]

J: Yay!

G: Oh that smells good!

MS: Now, the Yams are about 2 minutes away from perfection but...who'd like a little sneaky piece of pork while we wait?

Everyone: Me!

[Plates, knives and forks clinking as Ma Seabrook hands out the "Pork" to each guest]

J: (Mouth full) Oh my god, that's heaven.

G: (Mouth full) Oh wow...that's delicious.

S: (Mouth Full) It's amazing!

B: (Chewing) I've never had pork that tasted so sweet. Did the pig get fed alot of fruits and berries?

MS: No, none of that. He was partial to chocolate though!

G: The pig? really? That's mad.

P: There's somethin' else there too. I can't really put my finger on it. I think I've had it before but...I can't remember when.

PS: Is it the Marjoram maybe son?

P: No I don't think so...Hmm.

RR: This white sure would go with some red, Greg...just saying.

G: Oh go on little miss, it is Thanksgiving after all!

PS: I thought you was named Gino?

G: Ah she's still a bit cross at me because I left them all to party myself to death on Alchemelia.

PS: Oh, good to know.

MS: Well, I was gonna offer a toast but the little one beat me to it! Here Jeffrey, pass these around.

B: Nice Boquet, is that Primean Wine?

PS: Good nose! Gold Orchard Select, 20 years old.

B: Ah, great year!

G: Notions.

MS: A toast! To good friends...and even better dinner!

J: I'll drink to that! Cheers lads!

[Glasses clink]

Music slowly fades out

-

[The Crew lay unconscious in the Airlock of the Lammergeier.]

(Entire Crew, The Seabrooks, Angelo Whin)

Angelo Whin (AW): Gino, wake up. You must wake up.

G: Ah wha...Angelo? What the Feck...how do you keep ending up in Airlocks?

AW: I could ask you the same question my friend. How many now? Three?

G: Wait. Wait, wait wait...I know you're me. I know you're a figment of my imagination or whatever.

AW: Perhaps I am. Perhaps I'm the internal machinations of your subconcious...trying to come to terms with your recent traumas. Perhaps I'm your guardian Angel, or a ghost-

G: (Panicked) Don't you dare.

AW: It doesn't matter what I am Gino. What matters is that you and your friends are trapped in the airlock of a nefarious Texan family. You must wake up your crew now! Wake them up and plan your escape!

G: Shit you're right. Lads! Lads! Wake up!

S: Oh, wha-what happened?

RR: Ugh, am I hungover? Is this what a hangover is?

J: [Groans] What's going on? Peter, Bernie, wake up!

P: No Gammy not the spoon again!

B: [Groans] Peter you're dreaming.

P: Oh, I thought Gammy Savage was chasing me with the wooden spoon again. All those splinters-

G: Nevermind that, Peter. Lads, I was just talking to Angelo-

S: You mean your hallucination?

P: I had a bunch of those when I was a kid.

B: You mean imaginary friends?

P: Yeah that. Boy I had a great time playing hide and seek with my Peters.

J: Peters?

P: Yeah. I could never dream up anyone other than myself.

RR: How many imaginary Peters did you have?

P: Seven. One of them did wear a fancy hat though. I called him 'Fancy Hat Peter'. He was the coolest-

G: Peter! Good Lord we are trapped in an airlock! Now this may only be your first experience of being held captive-

P: Ninth.

G: W-what really?

P: Yeah.

G: Well this is my third time being threatened with death by space, and I do not like it.

S: I can't believe the Seabrooks are Slavers. I though we had for once come accross decent people out here.

B: Decent and beautiful! Here I am posing as a straight husband, while a gorgeous man hard up on company drapes himself all over the guy that paints vegetables for a living!

RR: How are we so sure they're Slavers?

J: What are you talking about RedBekka?

RR: For all we know...they're serial killers.

[silence]

G: Shit, they're coming.

[Door Opens]

[Gun Clicks]

MS: Well now, ain't y'all a sight?

J: I hope you're not expecting a review.

S: What do you want with us?

PS: With you? Nothing. From you? Well that depends on how you taste.

S: Oh my god...you're-

P: Space cannibals! I knew it!

G: You're not serious?

PS: As a heart attack. How else do you think we've survived out in the Void for so long by ourselves?

MS: We kill ya, butcher ya, keep half, and sell the rest on to local Markets as exotic meats. They don't test it. What did we sell that last guy as Pa?

PS: Zebra.

MS: That was it!

RR: Why couldn't you guys just be normal, everyday serial killers?

PS: Ain't nuthin' normal out here in the Void missy.

G: So have ye'e always been fecked up cannibals or was it just one of the lovely side effects of deep space living?

PS: You remember that story I told y'all about the Siege of Dryades? Well truth is New Holland Oats shut their doors the second the bombs went off. Food dried up fast...me and Ma had nothing. Well, we wasn't about to let a little War come between us and our fill. We had to improvise.

S: By eating people?

MS: I was reared on a Pig Farm. Lotta folks around with no credits needin' to eat. My Pa used to catch 'em at night, tryna steal a hog or sow...or a piglet if they got no pickup or trailer. Daddy used to string 'em up on posts around our house...flay 'em like a Tannery. High noon would always bring the smell. My Daddy taught me how to cut a man just right...take flesh right off the bone.

[Silence]

G: Right well...Peter I apologize, your story about Crucifiction was not the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

J: Seriously though, the review I'm giving ye'e-

MS: Pa, get the cart.

B: Wait now, hold on a minute...surely there's something we could offer you-

MS: Ain't nuthin' we want.

[Trolley wheels roll]

G: Oh god, what are ye'e doing?

PS: Order up!

S: Oh it's...a trolley of cakes.

MS: Sure is. I spent all night baking 'em.

PS: Y'all eat up now. We want this whole trolley gone before the morning.

RR: Fuck you, I'd rather starve.

MS: Well darlin, you can try. But if this trolley ain't licked clean by 6 am, I'm gonna shoot your Daddy.

B: You're who-oh wait me, she means me.

[Door closes, Intercom clicks]

PS (Speaker): Eat up now. You six will keep us fed till next Thanksgiving!

G: Well, this is great...Isn't it? Open yourself up to new experiences...that's what you said RedBekka, and look where we've found ourselves. This is certainly a new experience for me personally anyway.

RR: I'm sorry! I heard that Voiders were a bit...odd but-

G: Odd? No. The guy over there eating Lemon Drizzle Cake by the handfull is odd-

J: Peter! Stop eating the cake!

P: (Mouth Full) It's delicious.

G: These lads aren't odd Becks. They're deranged. Anybody that considers me delicious is out of their fecking mind.

J: Lads, that 'Pork' we ate-

G: Oh yeah that was human meat. 100%

P: Yeah I knew it tasted familiar.

G: Right moving past that.

P: I kinda want more actually-

G: And that.

J: It was kinda nice actually. She spiced it really well.

P: Maybe I could get her recipe!

RR: Guys, what do we do?

B: It's sorted lads, no need to panic.

G: What do you mean Bernard?

B: Remember when we were thrown in the Airlock by Captain Winters? I was so annoyed that I couldn't hack that control panel that I downloaded the schematics to the model, and spent about 3 days studying everything about it. It seemed pointless at the time because they're so rare but, I just had to master it.

G: (elated) Don't tell me-

B: That this panel here is a B23 model?

[C.P. Beeps]

G: Bernard you genius!

J: Well done Bernie!

S: Right lads what's the plan then?

J: Does anybody have a gun?

P: No, sorry. Darn it, the one time I don't take Maria to dinner.

S: RedBekka? You're normally carrying something?

RR: Nope. I actually thought this would be a nice normal dinner. I guess that was a stupid thought.

B: No it wasn't Becks.

J: Yeah look, when all of this is over...I'll make us all something nice. It may not be a full roast dinner but, I promise nobody will try and eat you.

G: Depends on what you make to be honest.

S: Okay, so here's the plan as I see it. They've posted Jeffrey to guard the door. Now, his back is to it, so he'll not be able to see us if we open it. He's deaf so he won't hear the door opening either.

G: And a mute. So even if he does, he won't be able to call out.

S: So Bernard, on my mark...you open the door. Peter, you knock him out. We get his gun and confront John and Anita.

P: More like Man-Eata...am I right?

G: Shut up Peter.

P: Okey Dokey.

S: Let me talk to the Seabrooks. We don't want any more bloodshed.

J: Speak for yourself. When I get hungry, I get cranky.

S: Peter, move to the front, okay Bernard, now!

[Door Opens]

P: Sleepy time!

[Thwack, Body hits floor]

S: Gino, let me go on my own.

G: What? No Sonya there's two of them.

S: I studied Conflict Negotiation at Cadet school. I should be able to work out our release without killing them. Plus now we've Jeffrey as leverage.

G: At least take his Gun.

[Gives gun]

S: Thanks.

B: Why don't you bring Peter with you for backup?

G: Or as a human shield?

P: Oh yeah I soak up bullets like crazy.

S: Don't worry lads, I got this.

[Footsteps]

Fade in Pa Seabrook talking

PS: Think I should go back and check on 'em Ma?

MS: No, Javier's got 'em covered.

S: [quietly] Javier?

PS: I think we should eat the captain last. You heard what he said, boy'll spike us if we eat him now.

S: Hands up! Both of you!

PS: What the hell?!

MS: Grab the Buckshooter!

S: Don't even think about it. If you even so much as look at that Shotgun I swear to god it'll be lights out for the two of you.

PS: How did y'all escape?

S: Our engineer hacked your door. Not so stupid are we?

MS: What about Javier?

S: I presume you mean Jeffrey. He's with the lads, unconscious. But he can be worse than that if you do something I don't like.

MS: What do y'all want?

S: Firstly, I want to know who the fuck Javier is.

PS: A like minded individual we picked up from Hera Prime. He helps us with our day-to-day activities.

S: You mean he helps you lure, kill and butcher people.

PS: Are y'all gonna kill us?

MS: We got money. And guns.

PS: They're hidden away. We'll give it all to you if you let us go.

S: I don't care about that. All I want is off this ship. Now, you two...stand over there, back to back.

[shuffling, moving]

S: I'm taking some of your string from the Ham.

[Sound of tying]

S: Now, you're tied together. And let this be a lesson to you both, no more cannibalism...okay?

MS: Oh no we're gonna keep doing it.

S: What?

PS: It's pretty clear you ain't the killin' type. You're also wandering the Void so, I reckon you're on the run from the law, just like us.

MS: You can't go runnin' to the cops. You can't kill us. Nothin' you can do.

S: [Sighs]

[Two loud thumps]

S: So much for bloodshed.

The Crew stand in the front of the door to the Airlock. On the other side are the Seabrooks and Javier (Jeffrey)

S: [Pushes intercom button] Now, I'll ask again, and this time if I don't get the answer I like...I will eject you into the Void you love so much. Are ye'e done with the Cannibal trade?

[Intercom]

MS: Yes definately.

PS: Absolutely.

S: Good!

B: I'm so very dissapointed in all of you! Especially you Javier...you beautiful man. Oh, who am I kidding? I forgive you, lads let him out!

Javier: Qué?

G: Jesus Bernard, take a cold shower will yah?

RR: We Should eject them into Space. It's the least they deserve.

J: I agree. How many people d'ya think they've killed and eaten? I mean I could understand one, two maybe but-

S: So what? Three's the limit?

J: Yeah actually.

G: Right, I suppose we better let 'em out.

S: I suppose. Okay Peter, open the door.

P: You got it.

[Beep, Airlock whoosh. The Seabrooks and Javier are ejected into the Tantam Void]

P: Oopsie.

G: Peter...the green button was release.

P: Yeah I...I got a bit mixed up there.

J: Oh look, they're dying.

B: RedBekka look away!

RR: Relax Dad, I saw worse every Friday night at the Dragon.

P: Sorry guys.

G: You know what Peter...It's okay. Genuinely...fuck 'em. They were cannibals. Who cares?

S: Also, now that they're dead. We can sell their ship...I'm sure we can find a Voider Shipyard that won't ask questions.

G: Holy shit, you're right!

S: Once we get rid of all the human meat, I'd say we could sell this for half a million easy.

G: Be still my beating heart! Lads, we're sorted!

P: Well...don't dump all the meat.

S: Seriously Peter?

J: Oh, I think they're dead now.

[Alarm Blares]

RR: What's that?

G: [sighs] A Sabakian Switch. When the Captain dies...it automatically puts the ship in Meltdown.

RR: Oh, can we override it?

G: No.

RR: So we should-

G: Yeah.

S: Feck sake.

P: Sorry guys.

G: Don't even Peter, don't even.

J: C'mon lads, let's go home. I'll start the dinner.

B: What are we having?

J: Crisp sandwiches?

S: Sounds good Jilly.

RR: Chicken-in-a-can anyone?

G: Don't you dare.

[End]

[Outro]

Created by Paul Walsh

Cast:

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Caoimhe Walsh as Sonya Halley

Amy Jackman as Jilly Whelan

Steven Stubbs as Bernard Dooley

Amy Rothwell as RedBekka Roy

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

with

David Orión Pena as Angelo Whin

and

Amy Orr as Ma Seabrook

Attribution:

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

Inspectorj- Door, Front, Opening.wav

ddunkley- footsteps on metal.wav

Qubodup- Sci fi Laboratory Ambience

Michaelkoehler-Knob button tapedeck recorder cassette mechanical

SomeAudioGuy-Zappsattelitehit.mp3

Slave2Thelight- Picking up gun

Music:

Intro- Augmentations by Kai Engel

Additional Music by:

Rednecks with White Faces by Cauhaus

The Goodbye Song by Dazie Mae

&

Lobo Loco

Outro- Tequila Calling by Big Sandy and the Fly-Rite Boys

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Thanks for listening!