Shownotes
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Did you know that your teen may be going through the hardest, most private season of their life right now and showing you almost none of it?
Coming out isn't one conversation; it's a six-stage internal process your teen may move through for years before they ever say the words out loud. Understanding where they are helps you know how to show up — and when quiet isolation is more than a phase.
In this episode, you'll learn how to:
- Recognize the six stages of your teen's coming out process, from identity confusion through synthesis
- Tell the difference between normal identity development and warning signs that need professional support
- Support your teen through isolation, shame, and pride without rushing or forcing their process
Press play to understand what your teen may be carrying alone right now — and how to become the safe door they need.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
In today's episode, we're going to do a deep dive into the process that every LGBTQ person goes through when they come out so you can be a better support system.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the.
Speaker B:Podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.
Speaker B:Heather I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker B:And here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker B:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker B:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker B:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:This is a two part deep dive.
Speaker A:Today we're going to talk about what your teen is going through internally as they come out.
Speaker A:Next week, we're going to look at your process, the parents, six stages.
Speaker A:Two different journeys happening under one roof, often at the same time, often invisible to each other.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode today, you'll be able to recognize which of the six coming out stages your teen is likely moving through right now, based on real observable behavior, not guesswork.
Speaker A:You will know what to actually say and what not to say at each stage, including specific action steps for the stages where kids are most at risk of isolating.
Speaker A:And you'll be able to tell the difference between identity development that just needs space and warning signs that need professional support, plus exactly who to call if it's the latter.
Speaker A:Before we get into it, I just want to say thank you so much for listening.
Speaker A:I pour my heart and soul into this, into what I do, and I would love your help spreading it by following the podcast and giving us a five star rating and review.
Speaker A:Wherever you find your podcasts, doing so really helps combat the negative media that's out there.
Speaker A:I'm so excited to talk to you about the coming out process today.
Speaker A:So let's get into it.
Speaker A:Parenting is one of those words that really encompasses a million different meanings, right?
Speaker A:I mean, some of life's greatest joys and most powerful heartaches come with parenting.
Speaker A:The love, the frustration, understanding, exhaustion, support, awe, just to name a few meanings or emotions, often changing within the same minute.
Speaker A:Wherever you are right now, whatever you're feeling right now, you are okay here.
Speaker A:When Connor first came out, we were at a loss for what would had been going on.
Speaker A:What was going on, what he was feeling, what he was experiencing, what he had been experiencing for years prior.
Speaker A:The more he relaxed into being himself, letting go of that performed version of himself that had existed for so many years, the more the wheels fell off the bus.
Speaker A:It's not what you expected me to say as a Trust me.
Speaker A:We were beyond confused and even more so, increasingly concerned as his behaviors and his mental health declined.
Speaker A:A month or so in, Steve and I met with a therapist at our local youth and family services who was also queer.
Speaker A:And I remember thinking, who better to learn from?
Speaker A:And boy, do we have a lot of learning to do.
Speaker A:When we first walked out of their office that day, my entire being took its first deep breath in a very long time.
Speaker A:They were exactly what we needed in every single way.
Speaker A:And as we left, they handed me a thick printed PDF of what I later came to rely on as the most helpful and instructional information on our journey.
Speaker A:The CAS identity model.
Speaker A: o this model was developed in: Speaker A:She was really the first to recognize and treat gay and lesbian identity development as normal developmental stages as opposed to a mental health problem, which is what it had always been categorized as before.
Speaker A:Definitely revolutionary.
Speaker A:Think of it as a guide for both sexual orientation and gender identity.
Speaker A:So the first stage in this model is called identity confusion.
Speaker A:It's internal, very private.
Speaker A:It's asking oneself in the most raw and vulnerable ways, who am I?
Speaker A:Like, who am I really?
Speaker A:And why do these pieces about myself that I don't really understand keep coming up?
Speaker A:It's the rejection of those thoughts and the punching down of the realizations, and it becomes a loop of shock, amazement and fear circling back through this process over and over again.
Speaker A:This is the stage most parents never see as it is happening.
Speaker A:You may see the aftermath, but have no idea why it's happening.
Speaker A:It's why your child may be quieter or more isolated or even pulling away from friend groups.
Speaker A:In those early days after he first came out to us in 10th grade, Connor shared that he began recognizing these feelings when he was in seventh grade.
Speaker A:That was three years that he recognized these feelings, that he was in denial, that he bargained and fought who he was.
Speaker A:Three years that he felt isolated.
Speaker A:And it still breaks my heart to hold how alone and scared he felt.
Speaker A:I remember looking back at what I could see from the outside and at the time it read as normal teenage moodiness.
Speaker A:Of course, once I understood the CAS Identity model, I realized it was the bargaining stage of identity confusion playing out in real time across 7th, 8th and 9th grade.
Speaker A:It's worth noting that there is, not surprisingly, a great deal of nuance involved in the coming out process.
Speaker A:Internally, some kids keep the idea of Emotional involvement separate from the idea of sexual activity at this stage, while others allow for that possibility of forming deep emotional relationships with no physical component.
Speaker A:This is obviously very person dependent, but since it is common to be curious about physical attraction, I wanted to offer this as just a little food for thought.
Speaker A:Throughout this episode, I will also weave in suicide prevention tips and describe as clearly as I can what to look for at each stage.
Speaker A:Here, in this first stage, withdrawal that looks like just being a teenager can also be a kid carrying something enormous alone.
Speaker A:You don't need to panic at every quiet mood, but you do need to know that isolation plus secrecy plus fear is a known risk combination, and that noticing it early and staying open and present without forcing disclosure is itself protective.
Speaker A: The Trevor Project's: Speaker A:What I want to be crystal clear about here is that risk is not caused by being lgbtq, by being a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender queer, or any other sexual orientation or gender identity.
Speaker A:It is driven by mistreatment, stigma, and isolation.
Speaker A:In other words, the messages, both big and small, that they receive from the world on a daily basis.
Speaker A:The single biggest counterweight, researchers keep finding over and over again, is at least one accepting adult.
Speaker A:You don't need the right words yet.
Speaker A:You just have to be a safe, kind, and open person for them to lean into.
Speaker A:So on to stage two, identity comparison.
Speaker A:In this stage, they begin to own and acknowledge the difference or differences they are feeling.
Speaker A:Isolation and alienation are common here because peer groups begin to feel forced, foreign, or awkward, especially around kids that they've potentially been friends with since they were little.
Speaker A:This is where kids test the phase theory.
Speaker A:Maybe it's real, maybe it's not.
Speaker A:Maybe it'll pass.
Speaker A:Maybe if I don't act on it, it's not true.
Speaker A:When Connor was in eighth grade, his childhood friends pulled away without explanation.
Speaker A:He had no idea.
Speaker A:I had no idea why at the time.
Speaker A:And I was devastated for him.
Speaker A:I know I asked way too many questions, and I even went as far as to create outings and opportunities for them to all be together, which just kind of horrifies me now.
Speaker A:It just didn't make sense, though, and I was trying to make sense of it.
Speaker A:He would come home and just do his homework during the week, and on the weekends, he would literally crawl into bed and just be in the dark.
Speaker A:And I remember the countless times just going in there and sitting with him, heartbroken by how very, very much alone he was.
Speaker A:Now, of course, we know what he was struggling with, but at the time it was so scary for him, for me, for Steve, we all just felt so completely helpless and had no idea what to do.
Speaker A:For him.
Speaker A:Looking back, the working theory became that he was withdrawing as he processed and other kids sensed a shift and responded with distance.
Speaker A:Not cruelty exactly, just adolescent avoidance of anything unfamiliar.
Speaker A:Of course, in those early months and years, Connor was still too close to confirm or deny that that was the case.
Speaker A:But now that we are nine years out, actually 11 from that awful eighth grade year, he has been able to narrate the whole process with much more clarity.
Speaker A:And it has been incredibly healing for him, of course, but also for us.
Speaker A:So here are a few clear actions you can take if you feel your child might be in this stage.
Speaker A:First, ask questions that don't require an answer yet things like you've seemed like you're carrying something.
Speaker A:I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker A:This lands so differently than Is something wrong?
Speaker A:2 Do not treat withdrawal as a phase to wait out.
Speaker A:Treat it as a season to stay close to pay attention.
Speaker A:Note the ebbs and the flows and three if their withdrawal is severe, which means it is sustained, resistant to any connection, accompanied by hopeless language that crosses from identity development into get professional support immediately.
Speaker A:Naming that line matters more than being gentle about it.
Speaker A:Before I continue, I just want to be clear that while this is a helpful framework, it is not a hard and fast rule, nor is it linear.
Speaker A:Some people skip around or they blend stages together.
Speaker A:Some may go back and forth between two or three stages until they feel confident or safe, and most people go through the stages to some degree every time they move or start a new job or hit a new life stage.
Speaker A:If you are going through this with your child in real time, this is where you can be so very helpful.
Speaker A:Your child may want to learn about their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Speaker A:They may want to understand why, they may want to understand what is out there, and it is really important to be able to guide them to safe resources that provide accurate information.
Speaker A:Understanding that this is the phase that they're in, the stage that they're in, you will be able to better guide them and find resources and professionals who can also support them.
Speaker A:It's also really important here to encourage them to talk about the loss of the expectation they had of a heterosexual life and allow them to grieve that change in their movie reel while also letting them know that they have a big, beautiful life ahead of them.
Speaker A:It's Just going to look a little different.
Speaker A:Encourage them to go through that stage of really grieving the loss, being able to work through this, talk about it in whatever way that your child processes will allow them to really move forward onto stage three, identity tolerance.
Speaker A:In this stage, your child begins to realize that they're not alone.
Speaker A:They may want to seek community and they may not.
Speaker A:This is also where the double life can show up, meaning they're kind of in this tug of war between being gay and being straight.
Speaker A:So there are two big things potentially happening here.
Speaker A:First, this is the stage where they may begin coming out to a select few people, those who are closest to them.
Speaker A:They find themselves neither fully out nor fully closeted anywhere.
Speaker A:It is also super important to note that self loathing and shame can peak in this stage and it is often projected out outward as feeling judged by everyone.
Speaker A:It's also why they may seem like one person at home and a completely different person in public or at school.
Speaker A:They're doing a really tricky dance with where can I be authentically myself?
Speaker A:And where do I need to stay small to stay safe?
Speaker A:This is exhausting for them.
Speaker A:Hypervigilance can also become more more pronounced at this stage.
Speaker A:Not surprisingly.
Speaker A:If your child is out to you and you recognize this is the stage they are in, your main job is to take some of this pressure off of them.
Speaker A:Support them by having conversations about who they would like to come out to and when, who they want you to tell and who they would rather not tell.
Speaker A:Encourage them to talk through their thoughts and feelings about each decision and regarding whether or not they choose to seek community.
Speaker A:I want you to know that Connor really struggled to find community that fit.
Speaker A:When he was in high school.
Speaker A:He had a few very special humans he truly connected with.
Speaker A:But it wasn't really until college that he found his people.
Speaker A:It is important to understand that not every kid wants the gsa, the Gay Straight alliance or the local support group of kids.
Speaker A:And we need to normalize that and stop assuming that all we need to do is just get them plugged into a group and they'll be fine.
Speaker A:Moving on to stage four, identity acceptance.
Speaker A:It's in this stage that self love begins.
Speaker A:Friendships form.
Speaker A:It is during this time that they realize that their identity or orientation is one part of who they are as a whole person.
Speaker A:They begin to see the possibility of a positive future and the shame, if present, may begin to loosen its grip.
Speaker A:This is where most kids start coming out to more people and they realize that they can have a happy, happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
Speaker A:They realize that they will be okay.
Speaker A:They begin to see that this is just a piece of who they are, that they are still all these other pieces.
Speaker A:Whether it's an athlete or a science lover, a great student or a really incredible debater, that they're funny, or a great friend, or just a million and one other traits that make them the very special human that they are.
Speaker A:Even though I don't have paragraphs and paragraphs to write about this stage, I just want to sit with the significance of your child embracing or even just dipping a toe into the self love.
Speaker A:If you've watched a kid be tortured by self loathing, you understand the deep feeling of relief and joy at recognizing those first signs of self love and acceptance.
Speaker A:You can support your child in this stage by reflecting these realizations back to them.
Speaker A:When you see that sparkle return, or their acknowledgement of one of their talents, or maybe, maybe even they show extraordinary emotional maturity or wisdom, let them know you see it and tell them how proud you are and how happy it makes you feel to see that.
Speaker A:All of this being a lot of words to say, let them know that you really, truly see them.
Speaker A:On to stage five, which is identity Pride.
Speaker A:This stage might require you to really lean into your breathing exercises and at the same time absolutely shout to the rooftops about the beauty of your child's individuation.
Speaker A:Pride in who they are as a person and pride and who their community is overtakes everything else.
Speaker A:During this stage, you may notice that all of a sudden they really want to be seen, that they really want to be educated and to educate others.
Speaker A:And oftentimes they may even begin to feel and express anger at how they've been treated or at the broader political and social climate.
Speaker A:I know this can feel unsettling, especially if they become expressive about topics that they've never shown interest in, like politics, perhaps, or social issues.
Speaker A:Or if they begin to move away from your family's belief systems.
Speaker A:And it's worth being really honest that while this can be uncomfortable for you, it's really healthy for them.
Speaker A:One of the most important things this stage does is to help kids develop coping skills.
Speaker A:It also helps them develop code critical thinking skills.
Speaker A:The goal is for them to learn how to resist being defensive while also learning to defend.
Speaker A:And there's a piece of this that is specifically for us, resisting the mama papa bear urge to jump in and rescue them.
Speaker A:We want them to learn these skills to be who they are, to say what they believe and to educate those around them and and to learn when to just walk away.
Speaker A:And this takes lots of practice.
Speaker A:So if it's feeling messy at home, you can secretly high five yourself that your kid feels comfortable enough to practice this with you.
Speaker A:When Connor hit this stage, we were already in the middle of massive unlearning and becoming more and more aware.
Speaker A:So I can definitely empathize with how surprising or unsettling this may feel for you.
Speaker A:Differentiation always tugs a bit at the heartstrings, even when we know this is exactly how things are supposed to happen.
Speaker A:I remember so many dinners where Connor, Isabel or Grace would be talking so passionately about a topic, usually politics or religion or the queer community or all three, that Steve and I would just sit back and let them go.
Speaker A:Sometimes exchanging glances, but always appreciating that this was their safe place to talk these things through or to try on different sides of an argument to see if they align.
Speaker A:Was it uncomfortable at times?
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Oh my gosh.
Speaker A:But looking back, I am so grateful that we got a front row seat and we're able to provide such a safe place for their growth.
Speaker A:And finally, we are on stage six.
Speaker A:Identity.
Speaker A:Synthesis.
Speaker A:Integration.
Speaker A:What does that mean?
Speaker A:It's a lot of words.
Speaker A:In this final stage of the coming out process, they are able to move fluidly through life without a gay straight divide in every single room.
Speaker A:Your child will appreciate or begin to appreciate that their orientation and identity are just one of the many beautiful pieces that make up who they are.
Speaker A:That coming out isn't a single event, but a lifelong process that they'll cycle through at every major life transition, whether it's college, their first job, their second job, their third job, moving to a new city, being in a new relationship.
Speaker A:And they appreciate that working through it builds emotional, physical and even spiritual strength.
Speaker A:It's not a single moment, but a way of moving through the world with strength and confidence.
Speaker A:The work you do now as their parent staying present changes the framework your child carries with them.
Speaker A:Remember, if your teen is in crisis, the Trevor project is available 24.
Speaker A:7.
Speaker A: -: Speaker A:Save that number now before you need it.
Speaker A:Understanding this process as a whole was a game changer for us.
Speaker A:It helped us understand so much more clearly what Connor first and then Grace a few years later were experiencing and how we could better support them.
Speaker A:It helped us be patient and calm, especially in moments that seemed so chaotic.
Speaker A:It guided us in seeking professional support, and most of all, it helped us let go of the idea that their coming out was linear and finite.
Speaker A:There's no right way to go through this process.
Speaker A:Every single one of our kids is unique and they will have their own experiences and their own feelings along the way.
Speaker A:Allow this to be their process.
Speaker A:Embrace the discomfort you will inevitably feel.
Speaker A:Love and accept your child for where they are at this moment in time.
Speaker A:That is what they want most and need most from us.
Speaker A:Love, acceptance, and to be seen.
Speaker A:If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone you know would appreciate it.
Speaker A:Finding an ecosystem of support is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
Speaker A:Go to heatherhester.net starthere or click the link at the top of the show notes to access free guides and connect with the type of support you most need.
Speaker A:Until next time, keep becoming a little more human and a little more kind.
