“Trauma doesn’t define you and abuse doesn’t define you. It’s part of your story. Absolutely. You’ve survived it. You’ve come through it. You heal it.” - Juliette Karaman

Healing from sexual abuse and assault by a narcissist. Sexual abuse and sexual assault and violence can happen to anyone, but healing from sexual trauma is possible.

Today I share a conversation with Juliette Karaman How to Heal from Sexual Trauma with a Narcissist

Instagram: @juliettekaraman @ravenscottshow

Juliette Karaman – Van Schaardenburgis is a Coach, Teacher, Mentor, and Writer on healing, trauma, relationships, sex, and intimacy. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life – the one we have with ourselves. Decades of her experience with conscious sexuality and her ability to hold deep space has her clients regain confidence in their bodies, psyche, and relationship to themselves.

Juliette's website: https://www.feelfullyyou.com/

Here are some key moments:

• Microagressions lay foundation for abuse
• Abuse Effects Self Growth
• How do you heal?
• Emotions are Vibrations
• Communicate your triggers when calm
• Narcissists Cannot Handle Emotions
• Victim Triangle
• Foster Safety

"The only way I can really help is by helping myself and by having firm boundaries"

Trauma 2 Triumph FREE Ticket

Get your FREE How to Set powerful boundaries workshop

Better Help : Empath get 10% off your first month

Empath & The Narcissist Book :

Grab coaching sessions and more FREE Gifts on the website Ravenscott.show

Madhvi - Emotion Code FREE Inquiry Call

Music YouTube Library: Til I Let Go by Neffex

94. How to regain confidence after sexual abuse from narcissist with Juliette Karaman

===

So that creates his wound, obviously. And for me, it was like I was remembering my uncle who always stood really close to me as a child.

Welcome to the empath and the narcissist podcast. Where you regain your sparkle back after narcissistic abuse.

. I am your host, Raven Scott, your go-to narcissist abuse recovery coach.

This is episode 94, how to heal from sexual trauma with Juliet Karaman

It is not a substitute for professional therapy.

If you are enjoying this podcast, subscribe. And leave a rate and review

This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for.

If you think you might be feeling depressed, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, today's sponsor better help is here to help. better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help you. It allows you to talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience, with a broad range of expertise and better helps 20,000 plus therapists network.

It will give you access to help that you need that may not be available in your area. finding a therapist is easy. You just fill out the questionnaire to help assess your specific needs. And then you get matched with the therapist in under 48 hours. Everything you share is completely confidential in therapy.

I gained my sense of self autonomy back my power back and my confidence back. Join the 3 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experience better health therapist. Get 10% off your first month@betterhelp.com slash empath. That's better. H E L p.com/e M P a T H in the link in the show notes.

Hello empaths. Today is an episode that may be taboo. It may be. Something that's uncomfortable, but it is so important to talk about and to bring to light and to heal. Healing from sexual abuse and assault. Anybody, let alone a narcissist is. Really trying and really difficult. And I want to just shove it under the

It's really hard to talk about. And this toxic masculinity of patriarchy. He has pillaged and raped for centuries. Narcissists or just a small few who participate and some would argue that the leaders of this patriarchy, this. World domination, all of these Kings and empires and dictators. And those who have rated and pillaged the lands for their own greed.

We're narcissists.

And pleasure in and of itself. You think only the bedroom, but there's more to it, right? There's. Foods that we eat. Just look at us moms, you know, you toil away over feeding your family and then you eat the remnants. Of leftovers because it's like, you've just lost all motivation to cook a whole separate meal for yourself, but you really were truly desiring.

Because you have to clean up the mess. Or it's just like too much. So, but food is the very basic form of pleasure. And if you cannot even fulfill that. For yourself with delicious. Meals and food and, , delight your taste buds. And how can you truly fulfill that in the bedroom? And this goes back to communication and evaluation of what your.

Needs and desires are, have you even thought about that? Maybe you haven't because you blocked it all out because you've been taught that it's selfish and sinful to even think about it. So. You know, back This topic of sex, then people don't want to talk about how they've been abused, let alone how they want.

To be pleasured, right? It's so taboo and it should not be, it's like hided sticking out of the rug. Don't talk about. And then there's no time to process it. There's no ability to process it. So I'm really, truly excited to share. Juliette Karaman and I's conversation today. Juliet is a coach, a teacher, a mentor and writer on healing, trauma, relationships, sex, and intimacy. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life. The one we have with ourselves decades of her experience with conscious sexuality and her ability to hold deep space for her clients.

Let's get into the conversation.

To seek pleasure in a bedroom and even after if possibly you are sexually abused or even emotionally abuse.

It's gonna, you know, either come up bad or they're gonna go on. So it's like at that moment you are like, like a deer in headlights. It's like, oh, what do I do? And it's. Even these things that you're like, Oh, they're minor. All of us have them. It's like, yes, all of us do have them, but not all of us have the capacity to deal with them or to just shrug them off.

So it's even things like this, it's like, Oh, okay, let's recognize. Yes. There have been many instances where people have come too close. People have, , touched me in places that I didn't want to be touched, where I've said yes and I've actually haven't meant it. . All of these are instances where, you know, it builds up drama and it builds up not trusting your own self.

And that's, you know, that's a crux at it,

And, and everything in my, my body was just like, Mmm. So I was like, Babes, I'd love to see you. And this was right before he left to Dubai to to work. Um, and the four friends just kind of gives me a bit of anxiety. So what about you come for the whole weekend? Did they come and stay one? He's like, Yeah, that's cool.

So I have to then say, yes,

Um, and then, you know, just one thing after the other we, we divorce and we're very good friends. We still, , speak pretty much every day, if not three times, four times a week. Um, And I went straight into another relationship. Overgiving? Yeah. Four of my own kids, three of his kids. Seven childrens, you know, we created a home together.

Seven. Yeah. Eight bedrooms, seven different schools. It was crazy. And I didn't listen to my body where. It was giving me signal saying, Hey, this is not going so well, because yeah, let's, let's be honest. It was, it was difficult, you know, And then there was a bit of toxicity in there, , which I can look back now and also say, Hey, you know, what was my part in that?

So it was only after we broke up. That within two weeks or so, I was able to walk, you know, at least, you know, for, for 10, 15 minutes and aid it. And just things kept going upwards, upwards. You, you don't realize that until you hit rock bottom how stressed you are and how much you're living in a fight or flight response.

So that really took me onto my own personal journey, which then, you know, it came to light that. , I'd gotten raped by five guys when I was, , 18, and I'd completely buried it because of all the shame, and then thought that it was my own fault. , and it was only , until my psyche, until my body also felt better that I could handle it.

Hey, empaths wanted to take a break and ask if these phrases sound familiar to you. I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever believe you.

If these phrases are. Familiar and you may be dealing with a narcissist

my book empath and the narcissist. Is for you. How to overcome narcissistic abuse and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, and manipulation. Receive another bonus in this book. The free four ways to set powerful boundaries workshop is included in this book. If you wish to feel alive again, take back the power in your life.

And newsflash, you can listen to my book on audible. Then go to www dot Raven, Scott. Dot Show forward slash empath and the narcissist

Now, back to the show.

And she's like, Oh yeah, that's what, I had an uncle who did that too. That's just normal. So it got brushed away and I was like, And your intuition as, as a youngster is like, this is not right. It feels wrong. What? You can feel the energetics.

So for a long time it was just like, oh, okay. So that's kind of normal. So then when I got date raped, , I think what happened is I was so shame because one of , the men was a man that I'd been dating. So I thought, is there somewhere that I brought this on? Yeah. He

invited all these, his friends into the room.

Uh, another friend of mine was there as well. Same thing happened to her. So we climbed out , out of a window and walk back to, to the city that we were staying in, in Spain. And the thing is, I think for a long time I just hid it and thought, you know, it's, it must have been me. And then it was easier not to go there.

, so I think it definitely did hinder myself confidence for a bit. , I kinda like yo yod with my weight a lot. , it's unsafe to, to be thin and to be sexy. Didn't wanna wear a very, , promiscuous clothes, but at the same time, I'm like, Oh, but I also wanna show off something

Could I have your number please? Especially here in Britain, there are so blunt.

professionals

Yeah. Yeah.

And those emotions are vibrations at the, you know, a dissonant frequency that needs to be released.

You're going into them for one second. Then it's like, Oh, no, no, no, it's too scary. And then you leave them. But if. Actually feel emotion for about 90 seconds. It moves and something else comes in. And if we keep experiencing those emotions, those thoughts, those body sensations, and perhaps the image that is how we move through it.

This is exactly how happens, so you stop the bell, but if you don't let the bell ring all the way out, then. Hit of the bell is not fully released. That emotion that you just experienced is not fully released.

And I don't have my phone cuz it's playing over there. So I

It's hard

And then you're on it all day and

One of the teachers there was like, Okay, let's, let's process you. And I was like, What do I do? I was like, Oh, this one. And I went through exactly what it was, , what my uncle did. , and since then, now he can just come behind. , but I had to tell him saying, Hey Alex, please, yeah, don't go away. I need you to stay.

Don't fix me, but I'm just having you. I'm in a bit of a trigger. So I'm in a bit of a trigger response, and then afterwards I was able to talk about it. But being able to be aware of what's happening and then communicated in a way that you know what you need and what you need your partner to. It takes a bit of practice and it can go really in the, in the beginning you get it wrong and the willingness to, to be in it together.

Right? That's, that's the beauty of it.

And then they're like, Oh. So then they run away. You're like, Wait, wait, don't leave. Oh,

okay. Let's try that again next

But

For 15 minutes, Are you available now? And yeah, he or she or your kids might just say, I want me, not right now, but what about tomorrow at eight o'clock? It's like great . And oftentimes already just asking for that permission like, Hey, I need to load. I need to let off. Some steam are moves things. And then when it comes eight o'clock in the mornings, like you needed to let us see him.

Like, Oh yeah. I think that's moved already. Thank you. But thank you for remembering

So it's like, please don't add to my plate. I have a hundred things right now in this very moment that I like emotionally, I'm feeling anxiety over. Right? And they have to move through those emotions too.

But when it comes to the narcissist, you can try and do that, right? You try and have that conversation, but.

Really goes awry and then you get verbal and emotional abuse because they cannot ever handle holding space for your emotions.

We all need to be loved, nurtured, and seen.

And that's the tricky part about, about that.

And then the next moment it's like, you're horrible. You've done everything wrong and. Where, Where did the change come? What happened was, yeah, did I miss a program?

I'm gonna take care of myself for a moment,

But usually , it's kind. Logged into our brain like anger is bad, don't have it. You know, sadness is bad, don't have it. , but I have all the other happier emotions. But once I realize that emotions are like a circle, like a wave, like it's just kind of a perpetual, again, we talk about how it's again, a vibration.

Like it's just constantly like a wavelength. And when I realized that I was able to remove myself. From their discomfort and then be able to hold space for their discomfort, knowing that it was like a wave, it was gonna go away and be fine.

we start becoming aware of it. And then you become the spectator. You become the observer, and you see what's happening in your life, in their life, in everyone's life. And you're like, Oh, I can actually hold that duality. I can be sad and be joyous at the same time. But then there's no charge, like pushing sadness away or you know, pulling towards joy.

But this all still, I wanted to point it back to the bedroom. This all goes back to sex because when you are at your most vulnerable, that's where the emotions are most raw. But if you

are, especially with the empath and narcissist toxicity, if you are unstable in your emotions, you're unstable in your identity and self worth.

That just breeds for a disaster. I think that's really what happened with mine. Every single argument and abuse that occurred always occurred in the bedroom. To be honest, for me, I don't know if it's for everyone else, but for me, always stemmed back to I wasn't good enough. You know, I wasn't staying up long enough.

I wasn't gumby enough, I wasn't hot enough. It's like constant, just

Anyone to speak bad about them. So really it's like, you know, how can you be respectful? How can you be, , the most loving? How can you just really tap into what you want, but what also what they want, and have a communication about it. It's like here in in England Sex is still so taboo.

You know, people talk about their front bottom. I'm like, What I'm like, When I came and moved here, I'm like talking about front bottom. What is that? So it's, there's a lot of taboo still talking about what do you like? Then there are a lot of people that don't even know what they like because they've been so shut down saying that they have been abused or they have had , some trauma, some sexual trauma in , their childhood.

They just shut everything down and they're like, Okay, quickly, can we just get this over with? And then you hear, well, your frigid and you never do anything fun and you never initiate. And the best time to really talk about this with your partner is not in the bedroom. So perhaps go on a walk and then say, Hey, you know, I've been.

Trying some things by myself. I've been trying different kinds of touch and I would love it if you and I could just explore, just touch on our arms and see what we like. If it's, you know what, I like what you like, and maybe we become really nerdy about it and we can make it a lab and even wear white lab coats and write downs, like stroke up the left finger, really soft.

Not to have sex, but to really start connecting a bit again. I like saying, Go on morning dates together, go somewhere completely different. Start writing lists. What did you love to do as a child? And then exchanging them and it's like, Oh, we both love flying kites. Let's do that one morning. And you really start having fun again.

And you start looking into, it's like, Oh, what did we love about each other? And . You interrupt your brain because we brain is always in the same pattern, but this pattern interrupt. You can't stay angry at someone for , not touching you the way that you want, and actually have fun and joy, right?

It's just like, Oh, I'm actually really loving them. So it's things like this and it's like you. What can I feed you? How would you like to be? Maybe you don't want to be blindfolded, and I can put a strawberry up to your nose and run it across your, your chin and your cheek and have you smell it and then slowly feed it to you.

And all these things are a little bit taboo to talk about, but if you can talk about it outside the bedroom, then it starts, you know that you can start taking it into the bedroom later.

And it's beautiful way to practice just enjoying each other cuz that's not really all it is, you know, giggling and laughing, enjoying, it's like that extra, like flying the kite type of childish play. extended just into the bedroom. That's kind of a healthy way, a really cool way to look at it.

things, connections, spending time together, and we're so busy, busy, busy, busy.

So this is one of my things. It's like, , date, night, date, morning, date, afternoon. Mix it up a little bit. Leave the phones behind, don't talk about the kids, don't talk about work. And really start, start noticing like perhaps you have a hobby or perhaps you have a vision for what you want to create together.

It's like when we bought this house, we had a vision board and we wrote what our mission for this house is. And it's really like people come here to create and have a space where they feel safe and honestly, safety is something which is really, really big, especially for abuse. , survivor.

So that, I don't like that word very much, but, but people who've had abuse.

and it really gets you to gauge the other person as well.

, but also to kind of like put an intention. It's like, Hey, I'm gonna. Go into the bedroom, not just gonna wait until he initiates, but it's like, I feel sexy today. Like maybe I put on some music and put some makeup up, put you know, the cream on, get my elbows that are horribly dry. a bit smoother, every kind of like, think to please yourself, right?

It's not for your partner, but it's really for yourself. What brings you pleasure and when you do more things. Bring you pleasure. You start radiating and your light turns on, and then everyone wants a bit of that. So then when you bring that to the bedroom and it's like, you know, maybe just put on some music and dance, slow dance together.

like

So I will say, This is what I love about you, and I'll give them five times and the, and then the other person just says, Thank you. It's just about receiving what this person has to say. Then they go back and tell me again what they love about me, and then I'll say, This is what I. Either tonight or for our relationship, whatever, right?

And then we go back and then we go back and forth again. And then the third one is often, this is what I'm afraid. These are my fears. And if you've done that and you've done five of these prompts each, you're not, you're not swimming anymore at the surface, but you've actually been really deep diving into what it is, what the emotions are, What that intimacy is. You want, you brought out what was on the inside to and come like on a platter. Like, Hey , this is who I am and this is who we are together. And from there on all the people that I did give no sex as, as a homework, you know, they, they reported back saying, Yeah, you know, the no sex thing.

You know, after 23 years of not sex, we've actually had sex because of this homework,

of cute.

Home run and going, Wait, but you missed base one, base two, base three. You missed looking each other in the eye. You missed all these different connections, so no wonder

you're not really enjoying it together.

This is why really when you set that up with intention, your date, morning, say that you are gonna spend two hours in the bedroom, clear the bedroom a little bit, don't have dirty socks lying around because. Yeah, , us energetic beings are like, no. Central energetic beings are like, Oh my God, I , can't get into my body because I see the dirty socks and maybe I smell down here and that I shave, and all these thoughts, right?

So set some time of just to clean it, clean yourself, get, get into something nice that you feel comfortable in. , And perhaps, then put on some music, maybe some candles, just anything that really has you feel like, wow, this is a different way, This is something new. Because anything that's new creates excitement in the brain.

So maybe set up some velvet pillows on the floor instead of, you know, going , to the bed. Maybe like bed is , No go area.

You know, that brings you stress relief that brings you enjoyment in life that just is naturally supposed to be wonderful and not with all these huge expectations and

burdens.

It's like, hey, it doesn't define who you. Yes, it's part of you, but it's not all of you. It's not the totality. And that's slowly where you start peeling back the layers, right? It's like, Oh, this is fun. It's like, But, but can I have fun and have been, you know, have had such drama like yes can. Um,

and shining your light right.

from you

I'm on Instagram, Juliet Karaman. So Juliet is French spelling and then Karaman, K A R A M A N. , and my website is feel fully u.com. Um, I'm in the process of free doing some bits and I. Gonna put some more free meditations on there. , I do group coaching. There's a few VIPs that I take on for one on one, but most of the stuff that I do is group coaching at the moment.

And yeah, it's just fun. And they're, sometimes they're just like little workshops of one hour. , so yeah, you hit me up there and you can always find me on social media. , Facebook, Juliet, Carman, as.

Thank you for being here,

Juliet.

wonderful.

You are a blessing. If this has impacted you, please share it with a friend, spread the word. So we can impact and end domestic violence, narcissist abuse.

End the suffering now.

If you are enjoying this podcast, subscribe. And leave a rate and review

on Instagram @ravenscottshow

See you next episode.

Thought therapy and talk therapy and all the things. So. Reach out to her and A free 30 minute consultation to see if That can help you. Visit www dot Madhvi dot CA. That's M a D H V I dot. Dot CA.