Shownotes
On Inner Peace, Better Health hosted by Nazish, this episode with Aimee Barnes explores the quiet emotional weight many carry around modern singlehood.
This conversation is for anyone who has ever questioned their timeline, felt unseen in social spaces, or wondered if they’re “behind.” You’ll walk away with a deeper sense of self-trust, clarity, and a reminder that your life doesn’t need to follow a script to be meaningful.
About the Guest:
Aimee Barnes is a psychotherapist, TEDx speaker, and founder of Gambaru Wellness. Her work explores how cultural narratives shape identity and self-worth.
Episode Chapter:
00:00 – Opening reflection on singlehood
03:10 – Why this topic needed a TEDx stage
07:45 – The shift from single to invisible
12:20 – Social pressure and internal shame
17:05 – Dating, rejection, and self-worth
21:40 – Choosing yourself over timelines
26:10 – Building identity beyond relationships
Key Takeaways:
- Singlehood isn’t the problem—social meaning around it is
- Feeling unseen impacts well-being more than being single
- External pressure often shapes internal self-doubt
- Self-worth grows through inner work, not relationship status
- Choosing intentionally matters more than choosing quickly
How to Connect With the Guest:
Website: https://ganbarucoaching.ie
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Transcripts
00:00:07 Nazish: Here's something worth sitting with for a moment. More people than ever are living alone. By choice, by circumstances, or simply because life went a different way than they planned. And yet, so many of them still feel like they have to explain themselves. Like being single means something is missing or something went wrong. But what if the real problem is in singlehood at all. What if it's what we have been told Singlehood means? So today we are going to have that conversation.
00:00:41 Nazish: Welcome to Inner Peace, Betterhealth. I am your host, Nasir, and this is a space where we explore what it really means to feel okay on the inside, not just on the surface, but in the quiet, everyday moments of your life. My guest today is Amy Barnes, a TEDx speaker who stalk the silent epidemic of modern Singlehood was selected as an editor's pick. A psychotherapist and the founder of Ganbaru Wellness, Amy works at the intersection of psychology, storytelling, and cultural conversation, helping people understand how the world around them shapes the way they see themselves. Amy, it is so nice to have you here.
00:01:26 Aimee Barnes: Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.
00:01:29 Nazish: Wonderful. Before we go ahead, listeners, some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. Listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions.
00:01:48 Nazish: So wonderful. So, Amy, before we get into the big picture, I'd love to ask you something. Uh, you know, personal enough for you to take it all the way to the Ted stage. Was there a moment where you thought, this is need to be said out loud?
00:02:06 Aimee Barnes: Yes, yes, yes. I always wanted to do a do a Ted talk, become a TEDx speaker, but I never believed it was going to be on said topic. Um, and I actually, the day I was applying up until that date, I had a completely different topic and something just came to me that morning. I was like, this is a topic that needs to be spoken about that I feel is not spoken about enough. And I think what instills that belief in me was that I was working with so many clients that were going through, I suppose that internal predicament of, you know, I'm single and I'm being made to feel externally like I'm doing life wrong. Um, and then I was seeing it amongst peers and friends and myself and I was like, there's something here. There's a movement, there is less and less people settling down, getting married, having children. So it just grew that curiosity within me and I started to look into it further. And I suppose that's how the talk was born.
00:03:14 Nazish: You know, I myself am surrounded with so many people who feel like it is there, but nobody says it out loud. And I believe this conversation is going to feel home to a lot of people today.
00:03:28 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, I think so. Because even even myself, I'll be honest, I, I was quite reluctant to to go there with it, I think, I think when I've done some inward like reflection and sat with it, there is that quite little internal shame with, with, with saying that, you know, I'm not where I thought I would be at this stage of life. And it does feel like, you know, as I spoke about in the talk that, you know, you're behind at times or you've just maybe taken a different path, but at times that different path can feel very isolating.
00:04:00 Nazish: It could it could feel like that to a lot of people. And when you are surrounded by people and you see people around you being in big groups and everything, it could affect you in a lot of manner as well.
00:04:13 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, definitely. I think I'm quite, um, quite blessed that I have a large group of friends around me. And actually a lot of us are in a very similar place in life. So I think that, you know, helps you feel less alone. But since the talk has been released. You know, many people have reached out to me and just through circumstances, maybe, as you say, they're surrounded by big groups of people, but they're the only one that maybe, you know, hasn't become a mother or hasn't settled down. And that can feel really isolating and really like, am I the only one that this hasn't worked out for? Because for a lot of times, you know, it's not the people made a conscious decision to go down this road. It's just that's the way life has worked out. And to date, it just hasn't happened for them.
00:04:59 Nazish: Absolutely. You know what most people hear when most people hear modern singlehood as a topic, they probably imagine a conversation about dating or relationship or like finding someone or not finding someone. But this is actually what one should talk about one hundred percent.
00:05:19 Aimee Barnes: And it's so interesting you say that because even when I was, you know, had written my talk and I towards the the date of it. Um, I had, I had, you know, recited it for a few people and they said to me, but where's the part that you, you know, tell people that it will work for them and they will find a partner. And I'm like, it's not about that. You know, it's about can we, you know, feel whole within ourselves and within our life if that chapter doesn't get written because there's no guarantee, you know, it will get written for everybody, regardless of whether you would like it to or not. And I think another, you know, point is really important to make. Loads of people have reached out to me that I've said they just don't want that that part for them. They don't wish to become a mother or to become a father or to settle down. But there's also quite shame within that, because externally they feel a lot of pressure to go down that road. And, you know, it's not for everybody. It's fantastic if you want it and it happens, but it may not happen for everybody. And I think we need to accept people for where they are in their lives, instead of adding that external pressure to people that maybe are already feeling a huge internal pressure for themselves.
00:06:30 Nazish: So, you know, what do people most commonly get wrong about what it actually means to be single in today's world?
00:06:39 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, I think, I think probably the main thing is a lot of a lot of people that are single are single by choice. And, and they're quite happy, you know, being single. And I think where a lot of single people that I've spoken to felt that kind of, you know, there was nearly a sense of pity when they say they were single in a group or at a social event. And, you know, that was quite off putting or, you know, people trying to say, oh, well, I'll set you up with someone. Um, and there's no need for there to be pity, you know, because most people that are single are very, very happy. And even if they're not, they don't need your pity, you know? But I think the biggest thing was the issue was not being single. It's the feeling of being invisible. So I spoke in the talk about, you know, maybe being in a social setting and when the talk comes up about marriage and children, and if you feel you can't add to that conversation, that sometimes the conversation skips over you, you know, or so I think it's just about people feeling seen.
00:07:44 Nazish: Yeah. I mean, that shift from being single to feeling invisible, that really stands out. I mean it because it reframes the whole experience completely. Like you might be surrounded by ten people, but still you might not feel it.
00:08:00 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, one hundred percent. And I think as well, you know, I think that's a common theme and trend in life in general. You know, we can be in a crowded room and feel really alone because all our own personal experience is so unique. So I think it's so important. A bigger conversation is to make everyone feel seen. And when I've done research into this topic and I was looking at links for garden singleness and loneliness, you know, is there a link? Um, and regarding kind of well-being and mental health then as well, because that would be my, my speciality and, you know, mental health and loneliness don't decline because you're single. They decline if you feel isolated, you know, and once people are surrounded in a community and feeling seen and validated in their being of who they are, you know, whether you're in a romantic relationship or not doesn't affect loneliness or your well-being. You know, that should come down to a personal choice of whether you want to be in a romantic relationship or not.
00:09:01 Nazish: You know, I think it is so much there, but people don't openly talk about it often.
00:09:09 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, definitely. And I know.
00:09:12 Nazish: I mean, there's the shame or there's the suppression that comes along with it, which is which I believe is it's so important for people to just talk about it.
00:09:22 Aimee Barnes: Yeah. And I think, um, you know, I can only speak from, from personal experience and I suppose through work, I would work with a lot of women. And this is an isolating men in this conversation at all. It's just for the Ted talk. You speak from a lived experience. So my talk is predominantly, you know, from my own experience. Um, so from a woman's perspective, I think, you know, we're a generation that are better educated than ever before. So we were in education for longer. And then I think we have had more opportunity maybe than previous generations of women. So therefore, we've really got on the career ladder and we've traveled an awful lot. And, you know, you can be very busy just living life and all of a sudden you blink and you're in your maybe mid thirties and, you know, you just haven't found love. You just haven't settled down. And I think then that's when a, a female or people that I've spoken to feel this pressure, oh my God, there's a ticking clock and I need to kind of fulfill this, this part of, I suppose, the checklist of life. And all of a sudden maybe time is not on my side. So it can go from being in your twenties where it's not as much of a priority for a lot of people, especially if they're very much on a career trajectory. Um, but then all of a sudden, you know, your thirties can hit and you can feel like you are in a race against time.
00:10:46 Nazish: I mean, that is such a beautiful perspective. And I think that a lot of people will recognize it. Yeah. I mean, tell me, how does being single, especially over a long period of time, starts to quietly affect the way a person feel about themselves?
00:11:05 Aimee Barnes: Yeah. I think it definitely can. You know, a lot of research I've done into this and, and just speaking and working with, with different people that are single, I think, you know, if you are maybe on dating apps and, you know, people talk an awful lot about, you know, people that are actively trying to date and the struggle that there can be, you know, um, to, to meet the right person. You know, there's a sense of, well, there's not a sense there, there's, there is always, um, there's always an element of rejection and, you know, within rejection, you know, one does, you know, reflect on themselves and that can one hundred percent have an effect on one's confidence. There's no doubt about that. But what I would always say to people, I think it's about working on you and becoming the best version of you for you and, you know, working on loving yourself and building confidence, because confidence is a skill. And, and I think within that you will attract the right person into your life. And also you'll be more inclined not to accept a bad relationship for the sake of feeling like you need to be in a relationship. And I think that's really, really important.
00:12:20 Nazish: It is so important. And you have framed it so beautifully because it is not always a big moment that shakes your sense of yourself. It is small, repeated things, the questions that the family dinner, the events you go to alone. It just starts slowly and starts to feel like a message one hundred percent.
00:12:41 Aimee Barnes: And then look at that. That message is engraved in us a long, long time ago. You know, into the subconscious before we even realize that, you know, that sense of what we feel like life should be. You know, it comes, it kind of comes back to that kind of, I suppose, story time when we're younger and the, the road that we think we should be on. And I think, you know, for many people, it's like, do I even really want that for me? Or is that just what I've always been told will happen? So it really is a belief system that we adapt. And then if it doesn't happen or we go down a different path, whether it's by choice or not, we can start to really question, are we doing this wrong? And as you say, some external comments over time, even when they're, you know, very well meaning can affect, you know, on one's internal self-talk and dialogue, especially if it's a triggering subject or maybe something they do long for, you know, within themselves. Since the talk came out, one woman actually reached out to me and she said that it's made her think that in social settings, she would always say to people just for something to say, oh, are you having kids? Or when are you having kids? And she's like, I never realized that actually, I could be putting so much pressure on people unknown to myself by asking that question. And she reflected on she saying that she only asked that question to fill silence. And I think sometimes we can do that a lot in social settings to fill silence. We just can speak without really, you know, realizing the effect or questions or assumptions may be having on, on someone.
00:14:21 Nazish: Absolutely. You know, sometimes we just blabber without knowing what it could feel to the other person. And having that awareness is so important. And one thing that I can say is that it is about choosing right rather than choosing quickly.
00:14:39 Aimee Barnes: Yeah. One hundred percent as in choosing right as in a partner choosing.
00:14:44 Nazish: What about your life decisions? Like what you have to. Yeah. And you just don't have to pick so quickly. You can take your time, assess, be aware, and then move on.
00:14:56 Aimee Barnes: Yeah. And I think the more, the more one gets to know themselves and build that sense of self agency. Yes, absolutely. You are then making life decisions regardless of the external. Because the thing about, you know, the external is people are always going to have opinions and, and they're not going to be always aligned with you and your values. The more you know yourself and know your values, the more you can feel, I suppose, secure and grounded in your own life trajectory and within yourself. And I think that that's the ultimate thing for us all in this life, is to really know who we are and love ourselves, you know, as we are.
00:15:36 Nazish: Yeah. I mean, when I take it from that, that this isn't an experience, it is like becoming a very normal part of how millions people, millions of people are living. And yet the conversation around it hasn't really caught up. Mhm. Yeah.
00:15:54 Aimee Barnes: No it hasn't. Those those traditional, you know, belief systems are still very much there. They're changing. And there's a Morgan Stanley report that has predicted by twenty, thirty, Forty five percent of women between twenty four to fifty four will be single.
00:16:15 Nazish: Yeah, right.
00:16:17 Aimee Barnes: Whether it's by choice or not choice, you know, it's definitely changing. So I think with that and people's, you know, people's, I suppose opinions need to change as well because there still is a level of kind of, you know, criticism. If, if a woman, especially a woman, it doesn't seem to be as prominent for a man. If a woman says that she doesn't want to marry or doesn't want to have a child.
00:16:46 Nazish: Yeah. So what does it what does what are the small daily ways that this shows up? Like in your, in your daily life?
00:16:53 Aimee Barnes: Um, I think, I think really in a day to day life, it doesn't show up unless you're in a social setting, maybe in you surroundings with people that, you know, ask about children and ask about marriage. Um, and can kind of add maybe a sense of pity or a sense of judgment. If, um, you say that you are not married and you are childless, you know. And I think it also probably unconsciously, it does add a pressure to, you know, for many people, not for me personally, but for many people, a pressure to kind of, you know, feel that they are behind and that they need to, you know, fulfill, fulfill those, those boxes, I suppose, of life.
00:17:45 Nazish: Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, absolutely, that is so true. And just like I said, we have to be aware about what we are seeing and how we are seeing it.
00:17:56 Aimee Barnes: one hundred percent because for many people as well, you know, you know, there may may be involuntary childlessness that there, you know, have medical reasons and have been unable to conceive, or they could be going through miscarriage. You know, nobody knows what's going on for anybody, um, internally. So I think it just is about being more mindful and less judgmental.
00:18:17 Nazish: Absolutely. That is so true. So I heard that you you said your work is not about giving people answers, but about helping them feel seen. And I find this is really meaningful. So, you know, rather than a solution, what kind of shift in thinking or in how someone holds their own story has, has, has you seen make the most difference for people who are working through this?
00:18:46 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, I think it's very much about building your sense of self and your self agency and, and working through whatever is coming up for you. I think any work we do personally on ourselves from a personal development space, you know, is, is work that's so well worth doing, and they make such a difference to one's own well-being and mental state, you know? And I kind of always say to people, you know, we have an expectation that we should be mentally always very, very strong. And, you know, it's something one has to work at. You know, you don't you don't not go to the gym, but expect to have a six pack. So it's the same for your well-being. You need to work at it and, and take the time to look inwards, which can be very, very daunting thing to do. But I think it's the best thing one can ever do for themselves is to build that sense of self, that self agency, and to know who they are and what they want in life and what values they hold. And that can all only come internally. All those answers, I believe, are internal. Absolutely.
00:19:53 Nazish: Absolutely yes. Once you have that awareness in yourself, you can find your answers internally. And that is something very beautiful. You beautifully said. Yeah. So, you know, for anyone. Amy, I want to ask you before we wrap up for anyone, uh, like you, for anyone who's listening right now. And, you know, right now in a quiet room and who has been telling everyone that they're fine, but privately is wondering what it means that their life looks different from what they have pictured. So what would you want them to hear today?
00:20:28 Aimee Barnes: I would want them to trust themselves and to trust their own path, and I would ask them to really go on an exploration journey internally of what do they value in their life? What do they want? Are they clear on that? And then are they taking action towards that? We can't control the external. We can't control most things in life, but we can control, you know, the little actions and steps we do for ourselves and to be the best version of ourselves. So I would really say to people, take the lens off the external and shine that light internally. Um, and, you know, that can be very, very hard, but we're in a great place today that there's so many support systems out there to be able to help and support us go on that journey. So, you know, I would say to anybody to really start going on that journey for themselves.
00:21:28 Nazish: That is so beautifully said. I cannot it's just so beautiful, you know, to having that to, to be and have that journey for themselves. It is something so beautiful. And I feel you find a lot about yourself. You grow so much in that journey. And that is the most beautiful thing you can do to yourself one hundred percent.
00:21:49 Aimee Barnes: And if someone is, you know, someone might be listening to this and saying, yeah, but I really want to find a partner, a partner. And yeah, within going on that journey, I think you will also be in a position to because you're going to be the best version of yourself to attract in the best version of another into your life. So I think it's a win win, but you're doing it for yourself. You're not doing it to attract in the other.
00:22:10 Speaker 2: Yes. I mean.
00:22:11 Nazish: When you love when you love yourself the most, then only you can love anybody else the most. That is absolutely there.
00:22:18 Aimee Barnes: Yeah, I think it definitely helps. And it definitely makes it easier because you value yourself and you know what you want and what you deserve.
00:22:26 Nazish: Absolutely. You know, if there is one thing that I am taking from this conversation for the rest of my week is this. Being single is not a gap in your story. It is a part of your story and you are allowed to live with it without apologizing for it.
00:22:41 Aimee Barnes: Yes, definitely. And another side of that, a lot of people can feel that it's a gap because they feel very alone and isolated. Reach out to communities and organizations and hobbies that you're interested in. You know, find your tribe. And there's so much fulfillment in that.
00:22:59 Nazish: Absolutely, I agree. So Amy, before we wrap up, I want to ask you for everyone listening who wants to keep exploring this, whether it's your Ted talk, whether your work at Canberra Wellness, or just a way to continue this conversation, where is the best place for them to reach out to you?
00:23:17 Aimee Barnes: Yes. And they can reach out to me on Instagram, Canberra Wellness, or they can also reach out to me on my website, which is w w w dot coaching dot ie.
00:23:31 Nazish: Wonderful. I will make sure to include all these details into the show notes, so that a lot of people can reach out to you and learn from you. And thank you so much for joining us. I think this is the kind of conversation that a lot of people needed someone to start, and I'm really glad we got to be a part of that today.
00:23:51 Aimee Barnes: Oh, thank you so much for having me. It's been wonderful.
00:23:55 Nazish: Likewise. And to everyone listening, wherever you are in your life right now, whether it looks like, um, like the compare to what you have hoped or you, you are not behind, you're not broken. You are just living. That is enough to start from. This has been inner peace, better health. I am Nazish and take care of yourselves. I will see you in the next episode.
