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In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of grief with Dipti Tait, author, hypnotherapist, and psychotherapist. 

We discuss how grief is not only tied to death but can also stem from life changes such as marriage, childbirth, or job loss. 

Dipti introduces the concept of 'dwell time,' explaining how grief often lingers beneath the surface before emerging. 

Dipti offers practical advice on how to support others dealing with grief, emphasizing the importance of what not to say. By understanding and labeling grief accurately, we can be kinder to ourselves and navigate these challenging moments more effectively.

[00:00] Understanding Grief in Midlife with Dipti Tait

[00:19] Meet Dipti Tait: Author and Grief Expert

[01:35] Different Forms of Grief

[05:48] Practical Advice for Dealing with Grief

[09:19] What Not to Say to Someone Grieving

If, like me, you're a midlifer, you've already felt

the weight of grief and loss.

And let's be clear, if we are lucky enough to live for another few decades,

there's plenty more where that came from.

Understanding more about loss and learning how to support those

around us can make a big difference.

Today I'm joined by someone who left a lasting impression on me when we

met at an event almost a decade ago.

Dipti Tait is an author, hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, and emotional

health lecturer whose work on grief is both insightful and practical.

She's written two powerful books, Good Grief and Planet Grief, and in our

conversation she introduces me to a fascinating concept called dwell time.

Dwell time is the idea that grief doesn't always hit us right away.

It can linger beneath the surface, waiting for a moment in the future to emerge.

Dipti also shares practical advice on how to navigate these unavoidable

moments, including what to say.

And what not to say ever when someone in your professional

life has experienced a loss.

Let's dive in.

Dipti, myself and the listeners are all midlifers, so it's extremely likely.

That we've experienced loss and grief throughout our working and real life.

What kinds of loss and grief do you see in your daily work?

So it's really interesting because grief we think is a loss of

human life, so we lose people that we love, but interestingly enough through

my work I've realized quite significantly that grief isn't just about the loss

and death of somebody, it could be about such different varieties of loss

that we would never think of as grief.

Grief is not just about death.

It's actually about life.

And that's kind of where I'm at at the moment.

So the loss of people because they've died, obviously we're going

to feel grief and we're going to feel the traditional seven stages.

And, people are very well aware of those things.

But what people are not actually aware of is the life losses.

And when I speak about life losses, it can even be good things.

So for example, getting married or having a baby, these things are considered

good things, but we can still grieve

Yes.

because we're grieving the loss of maybe our identity

or our agency or our autonomy or our independence or our freedom.

So these things are so still linked to grieving symptoms that people won't

understand and they won't understand why they're feeling depressed or

they're feeling low or they're feeling anxious or they're feeling troubled

or they're feeling self doubt or uncertainty and actually if we can

label something that we wouldn't normally label grief, As grief, we can

then be much more kinder to ourselves.

Yes.

Oh, I love that

And we can think about grief in that wider.

I absolutely love that.

And in my world, I see people grieving.

After redundancy, grieving after an exit for a company and

it's huge, all encompassing.

So I absolutely get that.

And I'm interested from a, what you understand from an employer's context.

Yeah.

So nowadays I definitely see businesses having something called

grief policies or something like that.

But a few days of compassionate leave after any life loss or

any huge change, and then being expected to go back to normal work.

Quick.

Smart.

It just, it just seems hard.

Yeah, and also, it doesn't work because usually the

grief doesn't start immediately.

It's not like you lose somebody and now we can press the grief button

and off we go and we do this amount of time and there we go, all done.

Tick that box.

We can return back to normal.

Brilliant if it did work like that, but unfortunately it doesn't.

It's a bit like a computer virus.

A virus will get in and it will be undetected for a long time

because what it's doing is it's inside something called dwell time

because it doesn't want to be seen.

It doesn't want to be detected.

And so it just stays in the system, not just like a computer virus, but a virus

that would get into our own system.

That's why when we have a virus as a biologic human being, they can linger

and linger, can't they, viruses?

They don't just, you don't just get over it in a few days and then you're done.

They

can just way around and that's the same as grief.

It can sit in the system undetected for a long time and it usually does in the

form of shock or in the form of disbelief or guilt even, and then People think, oh

yeah, okay, she's done her grief, or he's done his grief, we'll go back to normal.

But actually it's months maybe down the line, sometimes a year

down the line, where something will get triggered, and then you'll be

like, why am I feeling like this?

Because you won't have linked it to the experience, or the loss,

or the change, or whatever it is.

Several months or a year ago, and then you'll think you're going mad.

Oh my god.

So, so, do you have any pointers for someone who has experienced grief?

And like you said, it may not, come out till a year later, or months later, or

come out in weird and wonderful ways.

Do you have any practical ideas to help someone communicate their situation,

even if it's messy, helpfully?

At work.

It's really important to know what you're dealing with first, because

the reason why people might come to see me is because they're in a confused state.

They're not linking that situation with this feeling.

And it seems a bit like there's a bit of a disconnect between what happened

then and what is happening now.

They feel like There's no reason for them to be feeling this way or that way.

So my whole practice is all about helping people recognize that grief is

misdiagnosed really or misunderstood.

And it can be disguised in feelings of self doubt or feelings of lack of self

belief or anger or guilt or frustration or loneliness, but it doesn't have to

happen directly linked to the situation.

So it's about recognizing the symptomology.

And remembering about the dwell time, and then remembering back to a scenario

and going, aha, it could be that.

And understandably, some people would think that happened a year ago, you

should be over it by now, because that's what, we would hear maybe not just

from other people, but maybe from our own inner dialogue, but knowing that's

not the way it works and to be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself.

And sometimes it's just about knowing that if there are some sabotaging behaviors

or habits that pop into your world, just think about what might have caused that,

and thinking about what actually grief is and how it manifests in the body.

And this is the other problem.

There's no one size fits all here.

We can't just go, here's a checklist.

If you feel this, this, this, this, this, you are grieving.

It's not like that.

And that's why it's hard to distinguish and hard to define.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I get that.

And a midlife is, is messy at the best of times.

So then you add in grief and the complexity.

So I absolutely love the idea of dwell time and trying to just be kind to

yourself to help you make the links.

So I had this experience recently.

I love to pick your brains on it and, and I'll just tell you the situation.

So I met someone whose husband had died, two years ago.

And she shared that several of her longstanding, well

loved relationships at work.

So several of those people had completely, entirely avoided

speaking to her in any shape or form.

And that was because They didn't know what to say.

Yes.

It

Please give me some comments on that.

It feels heartbreaking, but at the same time, I've been in that situation

myself and I don't know what to say.

It is horrible and it's an awkward situation and there are

some things that we shouldn't say.

I'm going to read you from my book, Planet Grief.

There's five things of what not to say.

So I'll start there and then I'll give you what might be better to say instead.

So the first thing, and this is to link with somebody.

Like maybe they've lost somebody close to them or a friend or a family member

or whatever, so it's a human death.

One, this is what not to say.

They have gone to a better place.

Two time is a healer.

Because sometimes it isn't.

Three, they are watching over you.

I mean, Fine if you've got that belief system, but really

not fine if you haven't.

Number four, I know how you feel exactly.

Because no, you don't.

Five, They a good life.

Irrelevant, irrelevant to the feeling of grief.

So those are things, what not to say.

But saying things like, I'm here for you, how can I help, what do you need?

Those things are so much more open and helps the person feel less alone,

less isolated, and more supported.

And it's very simple.

That's it really.

Usually they probably won't ask for help or ask for support, but just the fact

that they know they've got it is enough.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my

Life Satisfaction Assessment.

It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas

of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down.

I call it Derailed.

It's a fabulous place to begin a joy at work redesign.