What do you do when life doesn’t turn out the way you prayed it would?

In this honest and powerful episode, Willow sits down with Nicci Smith—known by many as Tanner’s mom from Love on the Spectrum—to talk about the journey she never expected and the God who met her in it.

When Nicci first received her son’s autism diagnosis, she was overwhelmed with fear, grief, and uncertainty. Like many moms, she found herself asking: What does this mean for his future? What does this mean for our family?

But what unfolded over the years wasn’t the story she feared—it was something deeper, richer, and more meaningful than she could have imagined.

This conversation is for the woman who:

• Feels like she’s living a story she didn’t choose
• Is grieving what she thought life would look like
• Is exhausted from trying to “fix” or control the outcome
• Wonders if God is still at work in the middle of it all

Nicci vulnerably shares how it took over a decade to move from striving and fear into true surrender—and how that shift changed everything.

You’ll hear how God used Tanner’s life not just to shape their family, but to impact millions through his joy, authenticity, and love for people.

What You’ll Learn:

• Why surrender—not striving—is the turning point in hard seasons
• How to redefine success when life looks different than expected
• The tension between pursuing help and trusting God’s plan
• What it looks like to grieve honestly and still hold onto faith
• How God can use what feels like weakness to impact others in powerful ways

Connect with Nicci:

• Instagram | instagram.com/nicci_smith6/
• Podcast: Talk To Me, Sis | Apple Podcasts

Follow Willow: Website | Instagram | Facebook

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Mentioned in this episode:

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Hey, there. So glad you hopped on the Collide Podcast. This is Willow Weston, and I'm excited to hand you this interview I just had with Nicci Smith.

She's the proud mother to all of her children, but what you might know her most for is her son Tanner, who's been on Netflix's Love on the Spectrum. And Tanner, he just radiates joy and love, and the world has fallen deeply in love with him and can't get enough of him.

And I love this conversation that I just had with Nicci because she hops on and she gets really real about her journey with being a mother of a son who has autism and what it's been like, what God has done and what she has learned and how she wants to encourage us.

So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I have a friend who could gain something from this wisdom, something from this encouragement in this story, just simply share it even while you're listening, and you will be blessing and ministering to your friends and your family members as well. Take a listen.

Nicci, it is so fun to have you on the Collide Podcast. Thank you for hopping on today.

Yeah. Thank you, Willow. This is so fun to be here.

Yeah. There's so many things I want to ask you. I know that you're the proud mom to Tanner, and he has three siblings, Taylor, Midge, and Maverick.

You're a grandma and your wife to Mark.

There's so many things that I could ask you about, but I just want to start because so many people know you as Tanner's mom from this amazing show on Netflix, Love on the Spectrum. And there's so much that comes with that that I'm sure you can speak to people know about who you are based on what they see in a TV show.

But can you rewind maybe even all the way back to being pregnant with Tanner and the moment you found out he had autism and what you knew about autism. Walk us. Walk us from there to today.

Do you have 30 hours?

Yeah, right, right.

And she's a beautiful, fabulous, wonderful little girl. And we were not attempting to have a second one quite that quickly. It was wonderful news, but that wasn't the plan.

And I very much remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had just been thinking, gosh, I am so tired. I don't feel great. I don't know why I'm dragging around.

And then I thought, wait, I haven't had my period. I skipped a period. What am I doing? So. So I did the test, found out I was pregnant, was thrilled.

Tanner's pregnancy was honestly, I had four good ones, but his was the best. I felt amazing with him. I was in. I was in good shape, I was strong, I exercised all the way through. I had no particular problems.

He is the only one of my four that I was able to vaginally deliver. I had C sections the other three times. So that was a very special birth for me. I had. I had kind of complicated deliveries with all four of them.

And his was the only one that resulted in vaginal birth. And that was a very special moment. It's the only time I got to experience it. And I grew up in a family of four girls.

I have no brothers and I only have one boy cousin on each side. I was a generation of females. So for me, having a little boy was just super special.

And I felt so blessed having grown up in an all one gender family to have one of each. I loved growing up with all sisters, but it was really neat just to experience the boy. And Mark will tell you the same thing.

When he was born at 10 o' clock at night, and they brought him to me, you know, we fed him on the table and do all the things and then they took him away and cleaned him up. Mark went home to take care of Taylor and they brought him back to me at like one in the morning to feed him. The first, like real feeding.

And I remember I looked at him and I was like, he's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. He was just a beautiful. And I there. I mean, every mama thinks their baby, but.

And don't get me wrong, I thought my other three were beautiful, but he was just a beautiful baby. He was perfect. He had a beautiful little head of black hair. He had the prettiest features. He had big lips. And he was a wonderful baby.

He was strong, he gained weight incredibly quickly. He was a great feeder.

He did everything kind of early, was a very typically developing, absolutely no reason to worry about anything in his infancy and first year of life. I got pregnant with Midge when Tanner was about two and a half. And we were also building the home I'm sitting in now that we presently live in.

And we started noticing during my pregnancy with Midge that things were starting to change with Tanner. And it was very, very vague because Tanner never lost his language.

You know, up until that point, all milestones he had hit everything, in fact a little bit early and was interactive and social and loving with us.

And his sister was keeping up with her and running around following Taylor, playing with our dogs, loved his dad, loved trucks and tractors and all the things I started noticing right during my pregnancy with Midge, when he was about two and a half, that he wasn't losing words, but he wasn't gaining conversational skills as quickly.

You know, that, that jump they take around two and a half or three where they just go from little phrases to becoming really conversational and asking questions.

And maybe rather than two or three idea exchanges, we go to five or six, you know, and following multi step commands and things like that, I noticed those things weren't happening exactly like I expected them to. And I kept taking it to his pediatrician and just would say, hey, you know, do you think we should check into anything?

You think he's developing okay? And she kept saying no. I mean, she was wonderful, but she's like, no, Nicci, it's just, you know, he's a boy, don't compare him to Taylor.

He's going to develop differently. Let's, you know, and he has a very verbal older sister who talks for him a lot. He'll get there. It'll all probably just come in a spurt later.

Well, that never really happened. And then we started noticing some very odd play patterns.

Was really the first thing he stopped, like playing with trucks and tractors the way most typical little boys do. Like he stopped making the sounds and pretending.

His big thing was he would lay on his side, like on his arm and he would roll it back on the floor and then he would roll onto his back and lift it up and stare at it and bring it back down and roll it again. And that was, and he would do that, just that pattern over and over. And I would go snap him out of it. Like I would, I go, Taylor, come on, get up.

Let's you know, you know, let's, let's drive the tractor. Mom will drive the tractor with you. Or Taylor, you know, go show him. You'll go get the dolls out and you know, y' all stroll the baby.

And he would do it. He would stop and do whatever you engaged with him to do.

But if left to his own devices, he would go back to these seemingly very dreamy, you know, kind of just in his own world type of play. Those were the first things that we noticed.

And then we started noticing like extreme separation anxiety and not, it was almost like, not just like a typical thing where a Baby cries for a few minutes. When you leave them in church nursery or you leave them at daycare or you leave them with the babysitter.

He would go in a corner and hold his blanket, which he called Levy, and he would cry like his little heart was broken, and he would just, like, weep. Like, it wasn't even screaming or tantruming. It was more like. Like he was genuinely afraid that I wasn't coming back.

And it started to really bother me. And I was like, something's. He's not understood. Because I would talk to him and I would say, buddy, mom's.

You know, whatever it was, it was his little mother's morning out. Mommy's gonna go to the grocery store. And, you know, I'd show him the clock and, you know, all that, you know, I'm coming right back.

And he would just cry the whole time and wouldn't engage with the other kids. And then he started removing himself from other children. So all these things were kind of happen between two and a half and three.

Midge was born in that time. So obviously, you know, there's that, you know, a whole nother baby comes into the mix, which distracts you for a while.

Obviously, you know, it's a big distraction.

But we started really getting more aggressive with our questions to our pediatrician after Midge was born, when he was getting towards his third birthday. And we're like, wait, you know, something's off. I don't feel right about. And I just had this bad feeling. And I actually talked with a friend who.

Who is a professor in early childhood, was telling her about my fears.

We were at a Clemson tailgate at a football game, and she looked at me, and she was like, nikki, I don't want to scare you, but everything you're describing to me sounds like he might be somewhere on. And we didn't even really use the term autism spectrum. Then she said, it sounds to me like you're describing autism.

And the only time I'd ever heard that word ever, was the movie Rain man back in the 90s. You know, I heard, yeah, and Tom Cruise, and I'm dating myself big time there.

But I know a lot of people listening probably have never heard of that movie. But I looked at her and I'm like, what are you talking about? And those, like, my child and that character in that movie did not compute to me.

I was like, there is no way. But, you know, and it's so funny when I see the way people, you know, the way social media people like to make a lot of assumptions.

We did not have smartphones. The word autism was not a buzzword. Everybody in the world did not have fall somewhere on the spectrum.

Like, you know, it seems like a lot of people now identify as having autism. It was such a rare thing and it was not something we commonly knew about.

I'm also wondering that at this point, I mean, I don't know if you were like me, but when I had my first kid and my second kid, I was always second guessing stuff and worried about stuff. Did you have moments where you're like, no, I'm sure I'm just being overly worried. Or I'm sure.

Did you have like a lot of like back and forth going on in your own mind of like, oh, this.

Is probably nothing, 100 million percent. And also because, you know, I had had a healthy, vibrant pregnancy. I had exercised all the way through. I ate my vegetables, I ate my protein.

I, you know, I didn't drink. I didn't, you know, I mean, I took really good care of my body. I bounced back really quickly after his pregnancy. He was such a strong.

That was what we always noticed about like, he was just, I always laugh and tell like he was the most aggressive nurser. Like he could eat. I mean, that boy liked to eat. And I mean, he was just a strong, you know, great suck reflex.

None of the things you worry about, like with a newborn that might have a health problem. There was nothing to suggest that there was anything amiss with him at all.

And he, with, with Mark and I and with his sister and even grandparents and close people, There was no social removal. Like, he was very warm and lovey dovey and touchy feely and like there was no social pushing back, you know, with me and no relationship change.

So in our little cocoon of our home, he was fine. It was just what I would notice every time we try to take him out. And it was.

And it was getting to the point where other people were starting to notice it.

And like my sisters and my close girlfriends were starting to say, hey, I noticed, you know, in nursery, Tanner was really crying or, you know, he was really struggling at playgroup. People who felt comfortable, you know, talking to me. And I was very open to it, but I just couldn't believe it, you know. You know, you just who.

And you know, it's like you never think it's going to happen. And I can say that about many phases of Tanner's life. You never think it's going to happen to you. And now I say that in an amazed way. I said it in a.

And with great emphasis on the verse that God can do immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine. I mean, his life is such a testament to. You are formed in your mother's womb exactly as you are meant to be.

And God has a purpose for you, and he will, you know, his power will be shown through your weakness. All those verses just ring through my head when I. When I look at Tanner's life and I'm just like, oh, my God, he is scripture fulfilled.

Like, walking in front of us. He is scripture fulfilled. He really is. There's no other. There's no other explanation. I'll never.

I can't explain the events of Tanner's life without saying, you know, God meant for him to be an impactful person with autism. God never meant for him to be a typical, typically developing man. He meant for Tanner.

Tanner's autism to be the vehicle through which he shows what he can do. And that is, to us, that is the story of Tanner's life.

That's amazing. And I was going to ask you if it ever blows your mind to see what the Lord has done.

Oh, it's so above and beyond. And you know, sometimes I feel a little. Well, not sometimes.

A lot of times I feel very imposter syndrome about that because I'm like, we don't deserve the blessings that we have had. And I don't say that in any, like, self deprecating way. I just. It's so crazy what has happened with him.

I mean, it's been wild, but the really beautiful thing. And I hope Anyone who, you know, ever has a doubt will hear. Hear me say this.

Tanner himself, because of where he is intellectually and with his developmental. Developmental delays, Tanner doesn't really grasp how big his sphere of influence is. And I say that in the best way possible. He cares.

He cares about people. He loves people. His favorite thing in the is meeting people. But to him, 40 or 400,000, 200 or 2 million is the same. And he is in the moment.

He connects with the people in front of him. He loves you that moment. He learns your name, and he's very raw. And he doesn't. He has no pretense. He has no.

If all of this, we're taken away tomorrow, and it might be. It could be. It's very fleeting thing. We don't know. We have no idea what's next for him. And we're not. We don't have any huge intention.

You know what I mean? Tanner would go right back to. Well, he does go back.

Every time he's not doing an engagement, he goes right back to the shepherd, and he is carrying luggage and dusting and sweeping and cleaning a toilet and greeting guests and thrilled to be there. And he goes back to his Tuesday night activities with his friends and his, you know, his social outings around Clemson. And he's perfectly satisfied.

And it never even occurs to him that one is better than the other or that one holds more opportunity than the other. He's just enjoying where he is, and he's so happy for all the people that he's met. And he's loved it. He's had a ball.

He's had the memories of a lifetime. And, you know, we talk about it all the time. I'm like, tanner, you're going to be able to save for the rest of your life.

When I was in my 20s, I got to meet some celebrities. I presented an Emmy. I got to speak to all kinds of organizations about my autism. I got to go to schools. I got to give my testimony.

I got to do all these things on a really big platform. And like, Tanner, that's your life. That's what you've done.

And I think it's really starting to process, but he processes it in such a lovely, simple way that I just really feel like this is what God had for him. You know, this is what God meant to do with his life.

And he was putting at this time for this reason right now, he was supposed to be this age in 20, 26, doing what he's doing, you know, and we don't love that.

I Love that because it's such a grounded place that he stays in without.

It's.

Without trying. He just. He just is grounded. I mean, the world has fallen in love with him.

And I would say most people, when you talk about him, his name comes up in conversations. And I think most people know him for his joy. Where, like, where does that. His mom. You've known him since day one. Like, where does that joy come from?

You know, it's so funny, is like, Tanner and most people look at me like you're a lion. Was actually very quiet for many years. He did not talk a lot. Now, I do think that is characteristic of a lot of autistic people.

In fact, a lot of other parents I've interacted with have all said that as their children. And I think it's a. A culmination of years of therapy in school and gaining skills and acquiring more language and acquiring more confidence.

Maybe a lot of things they didn't say for a lot of years are going to kind of all come out at once when they acquire those higher level skills. But Tanner was always kind of a gentle, quiet soul. He didn't actually talk a lot.

But in looking back, I really think it's because he was playing catch up in his mind and he was trying so hard to learn. And he has auditory processing disorder and learning is really hard for him.

I think school was exhausting for him, and he was always feeling a little behind and trying so hard to hit the marks every day that I just think it took everything he had out of him. And, you know, even though he was very supported, very loved, very.

And I just think that he was sort of trying to process everything that was coming at him during his school years. And, you know, I honestly think that the world that Tanner sees, hears and feels more. I think he has very strong peripheral vision.

I think his hearing is more acute. I think he is seeing and hearing things more intensely than the average person.

I think there's a lot going on in his mind at once, and maybe he has trouble sometimes categorizing, like, the way a lot of us do. Like, can kind of say, okay, this is the important thing right now. I'm going to put these thoughts on the back burner. Sometimes that's hard for him.

So I think he was quite a lot because he was just trying to suss out the world.

And then as he got older and the more skills he gained and the more therapy he had and the more good teachers that he had that helped him gain more confidence and helped him achieve More knowledge. He just. And then when he went to Clemson, life is when his life really took off and we just started.

All of a sudden, he just started becoming so much chattier as he got older. It was probably about like junior year in High School. 16, 17, And it was the year after high school.

We took a year off and he worked at Chick Fil a in the cafe at our church. He had a year of jobs and working on life skills at home before he went to Clemson life. He was a lemonade guy at Chick Fil a. He made lemonade.

And people, you know, he's kind of like been known in our community forever. Like, everybody around here has always loved him. Always. Way before Netflix, they've always been good to him. They've always loved him.

And people would tell me, oh, I go in Chick Fil a all the time just to talk to Tanner. I just want to see him and I want to get a lemonade from him. He makes my day. I just want.

He always says something nice to me and I always tell people. And I'm not totally answering your question. I think it's the gift God gave him.

There have been so many things in Tanner's life that are harder than average for him to achieve or to understand or to do. To me, when I look at him and I know him like I know him, he is very childlike on a lot of levels.

Like, there's a lot of things where he still, I feel like maybe processes and thinks and functions in a more childlike way. But he's emotionally extremely intelligent. He's very aware of people's mood. He can sense what you need. He's really physical.

He's very demonstrative and he's a full grown man. Like, he's a handsome man. So I feel like people see like strength and a childlike heart and he's kind.

And I think that's what people are so drawn to because he is a strong, adult looking man. But he has this childlike joy and sweetness about him, which is so authentic. I mean, I couldn't manufacture that if I tried.

And he's very, very innocent.

And I think people are just drawn because it's such an unusual combination, you know, I mean, like my girls and I have always, like psychoanalyze this out and we're like, I really think he's like the perfect mix of strength and childlike innocence. But you feel that. You also kind of feel like he could protect you, you know, because he's, you know, he's tall and he works out, you know, it's just.

It's an interesting thing. And I just really think that joyful, sweet heart is the gift God gave him to allow him to connect with people the way that he does.

Because his curiosity and that sweet little way of, like, asking you questions and learning your name and looking right in your face, that's just Tanner. That's just who he is, and he genuinely wants to know.

And I think over these last few years, he's gained a ton of confidence, obviously, because he's had a ton of positive feedback, and he. He's become much more bold in putting himself out there and, like, just walk right up and talk to people. He has no fear. He's not shy. He's.

The things that he worries about would blow people's minds. He does not worry about what most of us worry about. He never worries about how he looks.

He doesn't worry about how people are perceiving him because he just assumes we're all great. He just assumes we're friends, and you like me, and I like you, and we're going to hang out together, and this is going to be great.

And, you know, and he genuinely goes into almost every interaction with that attitude, you know, and people really, really, really like it, and it resonates with people. I didn't. We. We were so in awe.

I mean, I saw it over and over and over and over again. I don't know why, but I cry every time he talks. I cried like a baby when he prayed for his mom. I saw. I can't even.

I have them all screenshotted in an album. But he. He's like, I'm an atheist, but he makes me want to believe in God. I watched him picked up my Bible and Tanner's not telling you to.

He's not saying anything. He's just. And I. I. That's where I just see him. Like, there had to be a reason for all of this. There had to be a reason.

And in his own very, very sweet, innocent way, he has literally impacted millions of people and I think has shown the heart of Jesus through a very childlike lens without meeting has faith always.

Just come easy to him? I mean, is. Is that just been something that he's always held onto?

To be honest, it's not been easy for me. Tanner has very childlike faith. And everything I'm saying, you know, with him, like, I say, that is a compliment. Tanner believes and he prays.

He's a beautiful prayer. If you listen to him pray, he does the most beautiful prayers. They're very sincere. He's praying for several people right now.

He prays for people by name. He. It's just simple. He believes there's a God. He believes that we were all created for a reason.

We talk a lot about his autism and that the way God is using him, we tell him a lot, you know, like.

And we've tried to really use this time as a time to teach responsibility and to teach, like, treasuring your gifts and like, understanding that when you have been given huge opportunity, that much is expected. Like, you have been given much. So you. You are expected. You know, we're expecting you to use that.

We are, as your parents, and God is to use that platform for good. And you need to be.

You need to be shining a light on all that is good in the world, and you need to be impacting these people while you have this moment in time. And. And he does. He really. He really has. He really has.

Yeah. He absolutely has. It's so cool to see. You know, you mentioned a little bit ago that you just can't believe all that God's done.

And I. I'm curious when you go back to the day where you got his. His diagnosis. You didn't. And I'm asking because I think there's. There's women listening who they can't see 10 chapters down the road.

They can't see the thing that God's gonna do. The way God's gonna purpose that. This hardship, the way he's. He's gonna blow their mind. They're.

They're in the chapter of this isn't what I prayed for. This isn't what I asked for. This isn't what I want. When you got that diagnosis, what. What was that like for you?

And what did you have to do to start wrapping your heart and life and mind and faith around leaning into it and believing that God could show up and. And do something beautiful?

I'll be honest, that was more than a decade of work to get to the point where I could lean into it. And I've told this story many times, and it's been misinterpreted. Many times people say, I can't believe that you would say that you were sad.

He's your child. How.

There was no, there was Internet, but it was dial up. It wasn't readily available. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know who to go to. I was lost. I just. I didn't know.

So I can't imagine that any mother wouldn't feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, grieve the loss of the life she thought her son was going to have. I wasn't grieving Tanner. I was grieving the life that I assumed, you know, he would have.

And it's a very big jump as a mother to accept the fact that, that your child's path is going to look completely different than what you envisioned. And I don't think as parents, we don't sit around and think, well, you know, my child has to hit the honor roll and has to be the quarterback.

And you don't have those conscious thoughts. But of course, all of us, you want the best. You want the path of least resistance. You want your child to thrive. You want them to not be harmed.

You want them to not go through trials. We want to protect them, we love them. And all I could see was, you know, at that time, they're telling me he's not going to make it in.

Typical school, you need therapy that costs a hundred thousand dollars a year. Your insurance doesn't, doesn't cover it. We have, we cannot guarantee any outcomes.

Here's seven different things that we think might work, and they all cost $10,000 and we think you should try them all. But we don't know if any of them work for him because everybody's autism is different.

But he's your kid and he has autism, so you need to figure it out. And I was like 29 and I had two other little girls and I was just shell shocked. Mark and I though, we are movers.

Anybody that knows us know we are type A, we are doers, we get down to business and we work hard and that's just how we're wired. We are, I do feel like we are a very good team. And one thing I feel like we did right, I'll tell you, first of all, I feel like we did right.

And I'll tell you what I think we did wrong. We divided and conquered. We very quickly realized that it was.

I was still working part time as a nurse at that time, that with Tanner's therapy needs and two other children in the home. And then eventually Maverick came along that we needed for me to be a full time stay at home mom and run his therapy program.

And Mark was going to take on more work and provide. And we just said, that's your role, that's my role. Now everybody go work hard. I felt like we handled that really, really well.

The balance of, you know, who's doing what in the home. I don't think we communicated as husband and wife as well as we should have.

I think we were both grief stricken and neither one of us knew what to say and neither one of us knew how to comfort the other one. And neither one of us also wanted to show the vulnerability of being so sad and of feeling the loss. He particularly didn't.

And it wasn't hitting him exactly like it was hitting me.

And that was very hard to find that spot in the middle where we gelled somehow we made it through all that by the grace of God and because we're stubborn. So we were on this, we were doing all the right things. We pursued every therapy.

We, if there was, if there was something that we could afford and I could find and I thought it might help, we did it. We did the diet, we did chiropractic, we did aba, we did occupational therapy. I mean, we did it all.

We did music therapy, you name it, nutritional stuff. We took him to a doctor that did infusions. We did everything you can imagine. But in my heart I was so devastated.

And I think what I really wasn't looking and this is all hindsight, this is what I know now. I wasn't even clear enough in the moment because I had so much on me. I look back and I'm like I was chasing a cure.

Because at that time, again, for anyone listening who wants to jump on me about that, we, you know, at that time people were saying, oh, we did this with our 3 year old and suddenly all the autism signs were gone.

Or we did this diet or we did this treatment or we did this therapy for five years and all signs of autism disappeared and child's back in normal school and everything was gone. And so in those days, that's how it was presented to us.

And in My mind, I think I just kept thinking, if I just work hard enough, if I take him to enough specialists, if I do enough interventions, we are going to eradicate the autism and he will no longer have to work with this. He won't have to carry this throughout his life.

What I should have been doing more of was praying for God to show me what he wanted for Tanner's life and how he was going to use this to shape us all. And rather than frantically running around trying to find the next best perfect therapy, which is what I. And that's not a bad thing to do.

There's nothing wrong with pursuing every therapy avenue. There's nothing wrong with, with offering your child everything you can, which is what we were doing. But I just gave a speech on this not long ago.

What I needed in my life was surrender. And I was the furthest thing from surrendered. I. He was not God's child. He was my child. That was my baby.

And my baby was hurt and my baby had a hard path ahead of him. And I was devastated. And I just remember thinking, we are going to fix this. We are going to help him overcome this.

That wasn't what God wanted for him. He was never meant to overcome it. He wasn't supposed to overcome anything.

He was supposed to be the best he can possibly be, the way God made him, which is having autism.

And once I finally got to the point and it was a few key conversations and a few sermons and a few hitting rock bottom moments that finally got me there, when I truly just prayed the prayer and said, you know what, God? I'm fighting this battle. I'm taking him to every therapy I'm trying out, every school. I'm doing everything.

And he still struggles and he still has the learning deficits that he has. And we're still not hitting marks. I still don't know if he'll ever graduate high. I still don't think he'll probably ever leave my home.

But if that's what you have for him, and that's what I'm supposed to be peaceful with, all I'm praying for now is just that you change my heart. Just change my heart and just make me okay, Help me be okay with this. This is who Tanner is, and it's what he's supposed to be.

And I'm not being wonky. I, I can. I tell you, almost immediately after that prayer of surrender, it was like a steady trajectory up. He just started developing faster.

Things started happening. It wasn't perfect. He didn't, you know, he didn't achieve typical things, you know, I mean, like, in the typical way.

But some of the things he did were so much better and so much sweeter. And there was just this peacefulness and this joyfulness. And it didn't mean that we. We didn't stop offering opportunity.

We didn't stop, you know, trying to find the best way for him to learn the best way.

You know, whatever therapy, whatever speech therapy he might need now, or maybe he needed occupational therapy or whatever he needed at any given time. It was the franticness and the urgency and the end motivation that changed. And just the surrender of just saying, okay, God, we.

You know, we're gonna have to get okay with not knowing. We're just gonna have to get okay with we don't know Tanner's future. We don't know his outcome. We are not guaranteed a high school graduation.

We are not guaranteed independence. We are not guaranteed a college experience. Experience. We're not guaranteed any of it.

And we might just have to accept that none of it, because at this time, he was a younger teenager, none of it might ever happen. And when I finally sort of just let that go, it was like everything shifted and he just started.

I mean, I have so many memories, things that happened in cross country, things that happened with his teachers where they would be like, oh, my gosh, he's been struggling with this for six months. And he just got it. He got it. He did it. He had some incredible moments in sports that were just precious and mind blowing and he had just. He just.

And it was almost like a precursor to showing me, like, he can do so much more than you would ever believe. Like, he is capable of so much more.

And then he did graduate high school with an incredibly dedicated team who were willing to go the extra mile, and I will be grateful to them till the day I die. They figured out how he learned, and they figured out how they could teach him enough for him to graduate. And. And he graduated.

And for us, that was like, we had hit the pinnacle of success. We were like, woohoo. He did it. He has a high school diploma. And I mean, you know, I hadn't even really thought about Clemson life at that point.

It was a thought, but it wasn't really. We didn't have any assuredness that we were going to pursue that. We took the year off.

He worked incredibly successful, like, just learned so much, became so much more competent, independent at home.

So, you know, I would say to those younger moms, and this is hard, and it's almost hard for me to Take it out of my mouth because I remember how I felt when he was 4, when he was 5.

I remember when he was 8 and 9 and 10 and everybody else's boys were hitting home runs at little league games and he was stimming in the corner with no friends. I remember when he went through this phase where all he did was handstands.

And we're in the church lobby and we're at restaurant waiting rooms and my very large, tall for his age, 10 year old is standing on his hands. You know, that, you know, love on the spectrum makes it look really, really cool. That wasn't cool. It was hard. You know what I mean?

It was embarrassing, it was hard. It was tough to manage. It was hard to help him get his sensory needs met.

But I would tell them when you're ready and when you can, because all moms deserve a portion of time to grieve and to mentally adjust. The first thing you have to do is surrender and realize that this, this is who your child is.

There is not somebody else waiting in the background that's going to pop out one day. This is who, who he or she is. Now let's figure out how to make he or she the very best they can be. And.

And then the second thing I would say in which we had to do a lot of. I had to completely redefine my, what I thought success was.

You know, success does not always mean being the quarterback, hitting the home run, being at the top of the honor roll. Success means just that you got your high school diploma.

Success means that you figured out how to run, how to, how to run the lemonades, the lemons through the lemonade peeler. At Chick Fil?

A, success means the fact that people come just to see you to get a couple lemonade because they like interacting with you and you make their day and you know, no, you're not in a fraternity at the age. Most of his friends that he grew up with were doing that. He was peeling lemons at Chick Fil A, but he was making people's day.

He was ministering without knowing he was. And then, you know, I was the last thing and I just said this in a speech and goes, and like after you get through that, look for the purpose.

And sometimes, and this is a really hard part to swallow sometimes the purpose in your child, your affected child's life, it isn't even about them or about you.

It might be the people that they're going to touch and, you know, the lessons you're going to learn and that you're going to teach others, and that's hard. That's a hard one. And I feel funny even saying that because comparatively to a lot of autism stories, ours is very easy. Very easy.

Tanner lives independently. He lives away from me.

Now, that doesn't mean that we don't, like, help him with money management, that we don't, you know, help him with, like, some of those larger, more abstract tasks in life, but the day to day of caring for his body and feeding himself and keeping his apartment clean and going to work and running an errand, he does alone, and he does not. So comparatively to a lot of people's autism story, I have an easy road, and I'm the first one to say that.

So everything I just said is exponentially harder for some families. But I think to ever have a sense of peace and have a sense of just being okay in the world, you kind of have to go through those steps.

You got to surrender. You got to redefine what you think success is.

And you have to look for the purpose in this situation, why God allowed it into your life, because everything is from him and everything. There is a reason for everything. And it's hard. You know, it's a harder road.

And, you know, anyone who says it's, oh, you know, such a blessing, it is, ultimately. But it doesn't feel like a blessing in the middle of it. Not always. Some days it did. A lot of days it didn't.

A lot of days it didn't feel like a blessing at all. A lot of years it didn't. It felt hard, it felt long, and it felt heavy.

And there was a lot of grief and frustration and a lot of not knowing, which is extremely hard for me. But, yeah, I mean, that. That would. I don't know. Did I answer your question?

You did.

And you know, Nicci, I think the thing that's striking me the most, as I listen to you, is you could have hopped on here today and told us the story of how cool it is that God is using all this for his glory and purposing it,.

Showing.

Up and doing amazing things, and those are all true.

They are.

But I think the fact that you choose to be so real about your story, about your grief, about the 10 years it took for you to get to a place of surrender.

The reason why I just honor and respect you so much is that you're giving other women permission to be real about their grief, about the chapter that they're in that maybe they never wanted to be in, about their deep concerns and worries over Their kids. And I think that is what will preach. That is what God will use in people's lives.

What he's using, even in this conversation, it's not, oh, you know, everything's been butterflies and unicorns. It's actually taken a lot from you and required a lot. And God has shown up in the midst of it. But I love that you're being real about it. I'm.

I'm sorry that it sounds like you faced just some haters or people being hard on you, but I honor any woman who can say, this is my story and my experience and what's been real about it, because when we could be real about that, we can also be real about a real God who shows up in the midst of it.

And. And. And, you know, the beautiful thing is just the change that has happened in all of us, all six of us, because of.

I mean, Mark and I would say a hundred million times, we are better people for being his parents. And we say all the time, like, it's so funny. Like, Tanner's like the glue. We're all very close. The six of us are very close.

But I don't know, Like, Tanner's influence has just, like, trickled out and just, like, bonded us all together, almost like, carrying him and helping him and making it a team effort to get him where he is has just been, like, this unbreakable thing. And, like, when you. When you. Mark will be married 33 years in May, and when we look back, I'm like, how did we do that?

Like, we had a bunch of little kids and one with special needs.

So if you're out there and you are in the thick of it and you and your husband are just feeling like you're surviving, that's normal, and that's okay. We felt that way for a long time. Like, a long time. Like, we were both hanging on by a thread and just getting it done. And, you know, but.

But it shaped something in us. And now looking back at it, that's like, a sense of, like, pride and satisfaction. That's really hard to explain.

When I look at him now and I look at my other three and what kind of people they are, because I would tell you to. Like, we were so. And I would think most autism families can say this.

The other three children that God gave us around him, not only are they, like, three of the best people I know and three of my favorite people and best friends now that they're older, they were. They came in the perfect order. Like, Taylor was his other mother. She's insightful and wise and has been an adult since she was 3.

And she loved him fiercely and she championed him and she taught him a lot. She took care of him. Midge is a cheerleader and his fun and his joy and his best buddy now.

And they have the best time and they have the sweetest bond. We got the gift of another son later. Tanner's a good bit older than Maverick. He's seven years older.

And I was so terrified to have another boy because I, you know, boys are four times more likely than girls to be autistic. And I thought, oh, my God, I can't do it again. I can't.

Things were getting better with Tanner by then, but I was like, I. I can't go through that again. I can't feel that again. But what I would have denied myself. Maverick has been the joy of our life. And he is the perfect ending to our story.

And he has been like. We're like, we got to experience all the typical boy things that Tanner did not do, which is fine, but that he never did. Maverick played football.

Maverick is a competitive target shooter. Maverick can do and bond with Mark on things that, like, don't interest Tanner, that Tanner just doesn't care to do.

And we also got to watch our younger son kind of be his brother's keeper and be a much more tender, I think, kind man than most 20 year old guys because he has grown up with an older brother that kind of needed him, which is kind of a precious thing. And we've told Maverick his whole life, you have a very unique experience, you know, because you have one brother.

And it's in many ways, it's like you are the leader even though you're younger. And they're very close now. And it's a sweet thing. Like, Tanner loves to get in Maverick's truck and they go do boy things.

So they go to lunch, they go to breakfast, and they make a big deal of it. Like, mom, you're not coming. This is a boy thing. You know, like, they love, you know, Tanner loves to tell me that, mom, no, I'm going with Maverick.

And it's so sweet. And I'm like.

And it's just another example of how God was so good to us because, you know, I can't imagine life now without Maverick and what he's brought to the family and what he's done for Tanner. It's been good for Tanner to have another male in the family to relate to and they've developed together. Because Tanner was delayed.

Maverick came along, they Did a lot of things kind of paralleled, and it was really cool to watch. So, you know that that's the other gift that I think how it shapes the character of the other children is incredible.

I think a lot, a vast majority of the time, you grew up with a much more. Bigger thinking, more aware, more sensitive person.

If they have had someone with special needs in the house their whole life and then they kind of of innately get it that mom and dad are doing their best. We had that conversation a lot growing up. We used to tell them, we are two people and there are four of you now.

You're going to learn the lesson very, very young that life is not fair because your brother's needs are greater than yours. And they are. And that is just the truth of life.

And there will be times when you will feel like he is getting a disproportionate amount of our attention because he needs it. But that doesn't mean we don't love you, and that doesn't mean that you're not just as important and we can all act as a team.

And my kids really rose to that. They really, really did. And it shows in who they are now.

I just love that God is writing such a beautiful story in your family and through your family.

And I know we could talk forever, but there's gonna be women listening who want to follow along further with your life and hang out with you and get to know you. And so how can they do that?

Well, that on Instagram and Tick Tock.

I'm Nicci NICCI_SMITH6 and Lise Smith, who is Connor Tomlinson's mom, and I have a podcast of our own, which is it's not really meant to be all about autism, but it is a lot about our journey as autism mothers. And it's called Talk to Me Sis and you can find it on YouTube, Apple or Spotify.

And we are going to have a lot of really fun guests and hopefully a lot of moms of the other cast members and just so people can get a lot of different perspectives on different autism stories. And. And we. We've loved it. It's been such a fun way to share our family's stories with. With many more people and hear other people's stories too.

I love that so much. Nicci, thank you for hopping on and being so real with us today.

I loved it. It was so fun.

It was so fun. Thank you.

Have a great one,.

Friend. I hope you enjoyed hearing that conversation with Nicci as much as I love, loved having it. I felt like she dropped so many gems of wisdom.

I loved how real she got with her story, and I loved how she talked about how blown away she is by God and what he has done in her family's life, and how honest and authentic she was. Though about the chapter she was in that was hard, the many chapters she was in, the 10 years she was in.

And so if it's any encouragement to you, if you happen to be in that hard chapter, may you know that the same God who shown up in her story is showing up in yours. And even when you can't see it, he's there and he's writing a good, good story. So, friend, be encouraged. Keep colliding and we'll catch you next.