Wouldn't it be interesting to learn what a baby born today in our world sees and decides is important as they watch us adults grab our phones to work, play, connect and everything else!

My guest this week gives us a look through a baby and a child's eyes, and it is truly eye opening.

Hillary Wilkinson's Bio

Hillary is Director of Programs at Healthy Screen Habits and host of the the Healthy Screen Habits podcast.

She holds a Master's of Education and teaching credential from University of California at Santa Barbara. Before becoming a mom she enjoyed a career in primary education. Her background in motivational research and developmentally appropriate practice lead to many enjoyable years of working with the "under-tween" set.

Hillary passionately believes in the power of parent education. Her philosophy of approaching children with humor, empathy and love are pillars upon which she parents, instructs, and tries to cope with life!

She enjoys spending time with her husband and 2 kids with their variety of animals in beautiful Santa Rosa Valley, CA.

Topic: The unintended consequences of technology on babies and childrens' early years

Our sponsor

Our sponsor today is the Center for Online Safety. The Center for Online Safety shares the tools that make families stronger, safer and communicate better with each other. Their mission is to keep kids safer online and they offer training for parents and schools to protect kids from cyberbullying, predators, pornography and other inappropriate content.

Unplug and plug in segment

What are you plugging into this week? What are you choosing to unplug from? Our guest shares her thoughts.

Next Steps

• Follow the Unplug & Plug In podcast for parents so you can get future episodes delivered to your device. It's free!
• Please leave a 5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating so our podcast will be seen by other parents.
• Suggest future topics or share your story by calling our hotline! Leave me a voicemail at 415 737 5472 and I promise I’ll listen.

Wouldn't it be interesting to learn what a baby born now, today in

our world, sees and decides as important as they watch us adults grab our phones

to work and to play and to connect and to create and to entertain ourselves.

My guest this week gives us a look through a baby and a child's

eyes, and it is truly eye opening.

You're going to want to stay tuned for this one!

Welcome to the Unplug & Plug Inpodcast for parents, where we explore your

relationship with technology, as well as how to help your child develop a healthy

relationship with tech and screens.

And most importantly with you, I'm Lisa Honnold, founder and director of

the Center for Online Safety and our mission is to keep kids safe online.

I'm also mom to three teens, so I'm right there in the trenches with.

Follow us now at centerforonlinesafety.com/podcast.

See you there.

Thanks for plugging in with me today, friends today, I'm talking

with Hillary Wilkinson about our kids who are growing up in the

digital age and some of the long-term consequences and results we're seeing.

Welcome to the Unplug and Plug In Show, Hillary!

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for inviting me.

Well, I'm so glad to talk to you.

I first heard Hillary speak at a children's screen time action

network event earlier this year.

And I was fascinated with how she explained the smartphones elevated

status in a little one's life, starting, even as babies, nursing, or drinking

a bottle and watching moms scroll on their phone in the middle of the night,

and then later how devastating it can be when the phone delivered painful

messages or harmful content to them.

So she'll explain how parents can help their kids develop healthy coping skills.

And I am excited to dive in.

And first I'd like to tell you a little more about Hillary.

Hillary Wilkinson is the director of programs and podcast hosts

at Healthy Screen Habits.

She holds a master's of education and teaching credential from the university

of California at Santa Barbara.

Before becoming a mom, she enjoyed a career in primary education and her

background in motivational research and developmentally appropriate

practice led to many enjoyable years of working with the under tween set.

She passionately believes in the power of parent education, her

philosophy of approaching children with humor, empathy, and love are

pillars upon which she parents, instructs and tries to cope with life.

Hillary, I'd like to start by hearing a little more about your background.

What led you to your current role?

Well, thank you for that intro, Lisa.

you nailed it all.

All of me about my past and and yeah, I came to this kind of

niche that you and I are operating within now in this digital sector.

When my kids, I feel pretty well equipped as a parent when

entering into early childhood, because I mean, I'd studied that.

I knew I knew stages, ages, et cetera, et cetera.

And I knew milestone markers.

And really honestly, the digital world kind of tripped me up.

When my kids started into asking for devices, et cetera, and I realized

that more and more all of the conversations that I was having with

kind of my mom tribe, if you will, all started, there was this nucleus

of topics and that was screen time.

And that was what kind of organized, there are four of us who sit on

the board of Healthy Screen Habits.

And that is what really propelled us into this space was caring about our

own families and figuring out what was the best way to manage this digital

world that our kids were growing up in as natives, but we very definitely

felt our digital immigrant status in.

I love that we have that in common.

We saw a need in our own family.

We worked on it, found our tribe of people.

Mostly women, sounds like for me, it was moms who were doing the best they

could and wanted to learn new skills and how to apply what they already

knew to this new environment that our kids are so much more familiar with.

Yes.

Tell me what you do now.

Oh, well, so prior to the pandemic, I was mostly doing a lot

of parent education presentations, which I love, I love, love, love

being in a room full of people and seeing faces and reactions.

And that really feeds me.

I'm kind of an energy person that way.

And then the pandemic hit and the world closed and the presentations

just dropped off left and right.

And, but.

You know, concurrently?

While the presentations were dropping off left and right, our digital usage

overall globally was just soaring!

And so we had more and more families reaching out to us with questions

of more specific types of questions.

And that was where my pandemic pivot was, to move toward the podcast format.

And that's when I started the Healthy Screen Habits Podcast and I have really

enjoyed having the access to experts that if I were tied down by a geography,

I don't know that I would be able to get as many fascinating people and be

able to talk like you and I right now, I mean, that's, that's one of those things

where we at healthy screen habits really are pro intentional use of technology.

We are not anti-technology.

We just think that it needs to be used with intention.

And so that's that's the bulk of my focus now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You and I share that in common too.

Pro guided use, pro screen time that works for you instead of getting used by it.

Yes.

Love that.

So let's dive in.

I know you could talk all day about this topic and I so enjoyed your presentation.

What are some of the long-term consequences that you're seeing with kids

growing up right now in the digital age?

Tell, tell me more about that.

Sure sure.

It's one of my most passionate topics.

Most families, when we start talking about digital wellness, the conversation starts

kind of where I started in my journey, which was like in the tween years.

And what I realized once I dived into this area was actually what we're seeing

at that point, when we're looking at middle schoolers in tween years, is we're

seeing the results of these unintended effects of technology on early childhood.

I'm talking, pre-literacy even pre-verbal communications that are happening.

And the biggest problem that's happening today is absolutely no doubt that our

younger population is living in pain.

And when I'm talking about younger population, I'm talking about young

adults on down and Jean Twenge's research marking the correlation of the

smartphone arriving on the scene in 2007 and the climb that we've seen in both

the teen suicide spike, as well as major depressive episodes in kids aged 12 to 17.

It is very noteworthy.

It has not slowed down.

And we have reason to believe that we need to pay even more

focused attention on this.

I always want to point out that, you know, the major depressive episodes

are particularly troubling because there's evidence that suggests once

a person lives through this type of mental health episode, it sets

them up to be more vulnerable to experiencing depression later in life.

And that's something that we, you know, as parents, we always want the very best, we

want to set our kids up for the healthiest choices in life, the healthiest paths.

And so the way that we can do that is by building relationships with our

children with very secure attachment.

And so secure attachment is this really special emotional bond that involves an

exchange of comfort, care and pleasure.

And attachment theory is focused on long-term relationships and

bonds between people, including between a parent and child.

And securely attached children feel protected by their caregivers.

They know they can depend on them.

They're comfortable seeking them out in times of need.

What seems to be happening in this age of digital parenting is that we're

unintentionally creating attachment bonds between children and devices

rather than children and caregivers.

So we're actually outsourcing the relationship and it all

Hold on a second, Hillary.

Sure.,

I want you to say that again.

We are outsourcing relationship.

This is such a key point.

You've got our attention.

Okay.

We're scared.

Okay.

We're, I'm going down the rabbit hole just a little bit, but don't worry.

We're looking at the reason, we have to start with the why this is important.

And now we're going to go on stepping stones down the path of how it

happens, and we're going to talk about how we can avoid this as well.

So I come to you with a message of hope.

Absolutely.

And awareness is the first step, right?

Awareness of what the problem is.

And you're saying it starts way before kids are in middle school,

going all the way back to what we're doing unintentionally.

So we need to start being intentional.

Exactly exactly.

This awareness building is really part of the educational process.

And I believe within the bones of my being that education saves lives.

And so what, what you and I are doing today, and for people

listening, you are saving lives.

There's no doubt in my mind.

All of that being said, with this outsourcing of relationships, the

first step is it starts with this what's called implicit memory building.

And so when we look at memories, we generally have two types.

We have explicit memory and implicit memory.

So implicit memory is sometimes called the unconscious or automatic memory.

And it's the start of the sense of self.

It holds the subconscious tapes or the messages that we receive

and we internalize even as the very, very, very young, okay.

So memories and messages that we receive prior to about three years of age, get

filed into this implicit memory category and it creates the foundation in how we

understand the world and how it functions.

Okay.

Explicit memory is normally is, is more of what we think of as memory.

It's our storytelling memory.

It's also called cognitive memory.

It's like the recall.

Okay.

So it's important to know these differentials in memory because implicit

memory building starts immediately.

And as you know, you have had babies, at birth infants really

only see about eight to 10 inches.

And then they, you know, developmentally, they have to learn

to coordinate eye movement and see longer distances over period of time.

Kind of like how they learn how to walk and talk.

And that original.

Eight to 10 inch line of sight at birth also happens to be roughly the

space between the baby's face and like a classic cradled feeding position.

So that maternal gaze is that first, those first implicit

tapes are starting to be built.

And it's the first "serve and return" experience that ultimately

grows into conversation building.

. Okay, so that whole "serve and return", "serve and return".

This reciprocal gaze combined with touch creates this flood of oxytocin in both

the infant and the mom, which causes feelings of closeness and bonding and

attachment, and all of these things work together to form that maternal bond.

Hey friends, it's Lisa popping in.

Hillary is making such an important point.

This idea that even as early as when babies are in their parents' arms, they're

watching what we do and, evolutionarily, we would be gazing at them.

We would be looking at them.

We would be doing this, this serve and return that Hillary is talking about.

And instead many times we're using it to multitask,

in modern days, which is grabbing the phone and seeing what's new, checking

email, doing some work, catching up on Tik TOK, whatever it is, it means

that our eyes are not focused on this little human and they're noticing.

Okay.

Back to Hilary.

So you're going okay.

That's wonderful Hillary, but like where does the tech come in?

And I'll tell you, we involve a screen, when we involve a device, we've all

had this experience of talking with someone at a restaurant or dining

or whatever face-to-face and then a phone vibrates or rings, and the

person, the person interrupts the conversation and looks at the phone

and immediately the two things happen.

One, that that connection is broken obviously, but secondly, the moment

a phone enters the picture, the implicit message is that that device

is more important than the physical person right in front of you.

And so when we multitask, I, I am so grateful that I did not have infants

during the time of cell phones because I am 100% sure I would have been doing this.

But when we multitask by feeding our babies while scrolling, our

infants are taking from us that this device is actually the most

important thing in the room.

Okay.

So this is all implicit.

Implicit memory is starting to build.

And then, so then tech is kind of taking on this being the most

important thing in the room.

Now we're moving into, we really have become photo journalists of our

families as moms, we record and we capture everything, which is just this

wonderful way to store memories, right?

I mean, it's, we're so fortunate that we can, we can sit in front and just

scroll through vacations and great times.

The tricky part comes in this is developmentally, all of these

Kodak moments are having this hand in identity formation.

So kids are establishing and figuring out their own identity, all the

way through their growth process.

And because it's, it's fun, like I said, it's so fun to look through

your old memories, but they're often reviewing social media posts or looking

at their own messages on their phone and as they do, they internalize the

story of whatever the picture is saying.

So the phone in essence is becoming this storage of self identity.

The other thing, just to bear in mind, whenever you're tempted to do

that mom photojournalism is when we raised the phone to take a picture

of our children, there's a loss of eye contact and the child's attention

goes towards "how do I look?"

Rather than the task that they were just doing.

I can like give you an example if you notice how many times you will snap

a picture and your child immediately stops whatever they're doing and runs

around to see the screen instead.

And so if you unpeel what's happening there, you can see it's like what you're

actually doing is interrupting the process that you were excited that was happening.

So I just it's, again, it's just awareness building.

Just be aware of what you're doing, you know?

So I've taken you from tech being the most important thing in the room to it's

also, it's holding its identity for me.

You know, it's holding a sense of identity.

The third thing that happens is we start to use, you know, we need to

encourage parents to teach emotional literacy and regulating techniques

rather than just using the digital pacifier, which there is nothing easier.

I know of nothing that can stop a tantrum as fast as a cell phone.

Increasingly we are using mobile devices to distract and what we're taking away

from when we do that is we're teaching kids to distract rather than self-soothe.

And without digital tools, kids are learning to numb their feelings

by diving into this digital world, but they're not learning how to

really truly deal with big feelings.

So the tech in this point has become the soother and the pacifier.

As well as it kind of feeds into it becoming its best playmate and

entertainer, because the real problem with tech is what it's taking from us.

We've created less and less time and space that allows for

boredom and creative output.

And our kids are becoming more and more accustomed to having constant stimulation.

And like I said, there is no greater source of stimulation

and play than the screen.

It is designed to be that way.

there are roomfuls of programmers who are figuring out which tracks

in the brain to tickle, to get you to stay online the longest.

It's the digital devices become the greatest playmate and

entertainer that never sleeps.

And this is where kids are starting to relate to devices as their friend.

So we're moving into another zone where as you can see, we kind of started from an

infant, we're coming through early years.

Now, picture our child is of the age where we're now moving into sleep overs, play

dates, and anytime in between, and Julie Lythcott-Haims was Stanford University's

freshman Dean for over a decade.

She wrote the book"How to Raise an Adult" and she uses a phrase that

I love and she calls the cell phone, "the world's longest umbilical cord".

So we unintentionally lay the groundwork in our kids for the belief that the cell

phone can protect them from harm when we make sure they have it at all times.

you know, we want to make sure they can reach us.

And there's this underlying message that the world is a scary place

without direct communication.

So this can feed into that anxiety that we're seeing later.

You know, and so this, so we've got all of these boxes that the

cell phone is ticking, and now it's also become the greatest protector.

It's our playmate, it's our protector.

It's a learning device.

It's, it's what we're turning to, to soothe ourselves.

It's become the most important thing in the room.

It's holding our identity.

And then we hit our tween years and I'm going to focus on the middle school

zone, but honestly, tweens are trending more towards fifth graders as well.

And developmentally, this is a time when kids of both genders are

hyper aware of differences, social vulnerability kicks in, puberty's kicking

in, it's this kind of like perfect tornado of social stuff to navigate.

And this is when social media gets explored in mass cyber bullying,

kicks in group texting becomes this parallel social world.

And this honestly is where it all goes down.

And this is when that device, which is the thing that has become the most

important thing in the room, the record of achievements, identity, the holder

of self-worth, the greatest source of soothing and comfort, entertainment,

friend, playmate, their protector, now becomes the greatest source of pain.

And because we have outsourced all of these areas of resiliency building

that could have been taught along the way, our kids do not have tools

put into place and they enter this cycle of vulnerability and pain.

And that is what we're seeing with our unintended effects.

So that was the rabbit hole, but I have really good news.

Okay, we're ready for some good news.

What you just explained, it makes such sense and unknowingly we've

been doing this and setting our kids up for the device as a friend

or a playmate and the image holder there's so much to what you said.

I'm so excited to hear more.

All right.

Give us the next part.

Okay.

Well, I gotta tell you, you can break this cycle really easily.

And the antidote is all through connection.

It's connecting to our bodies, it's connecting to our feelings and

it's connecting with each other.

That's the antidote, is connection.

that's why I love your phrase "how do you unplug to plug in?"

how do you disconnect to reconnect?

It's the same thing.

Yours and my message is parallel.

You need to be intentional with the time you have with others.

You can develop a family plan for using technology in ways that serve you.

Be aware of those implicit messages, you are sending your child narrate

what you're doing on your device while you are doing it so that your child

sees that this is actually a tool.

Because we tend to look at, I mean, we do this all, all of our

life, we look at a scenario and we apply our own prior knowledge.

Well, if the device has only been used by the child as a source of entertainment

or a gaming device, then guess what?

Every time the kid sees you on that device, do you know what they

think you're doing with your time?

They don't know your exactly.

Exactly.

They don't know you're setting up a doctor's appointment or coordinating

a carpool or all the business of mom life, you know, they don't know that.

So we have to kind of like remove the top of our heads and let our kids see our

thought processes of what's happening.

And even if you just say, rather than saying "just a minute, just a

minute, just a minute", you can say.

"I'll talk to you in a minute.

Right now I have to set up with, you know, Casey's mom, what's, who's going

to pick up on Tuesday" or whatever.

And that way it does two things.

It teaches them to respect your interactions with your device because

they recognize like, oh, this is, you know, a communication, but also

it shows them that this is a tool.

It is not, it is not just a toy.

It is not just for entertainment.

And they're not being left out of something fun.

It's actually kind of boring.

Getting back to the intentional time is that, every

day spend some time outside.

teach your children how to name their feelings.

You have to name them to frame them.

You have to give them a framework in which to put their feelings.

move your body.

And this is the easiest thing in the world that I tell moms to do, and that's hug

your kids to get that flood of oxytocin.

You need eight, eight, second hugs per day.

That's research based out of Christy Kane's research in Utah,

Colin Kartchner popularized it.

But Christy Kane is the one who came up with eight, eight, second hugs per day.

It boosts the overall levels of oxytocin.

It creates feelings of wellbeing.

It promotes healthy immune system.

But the overarching thing is to connect with others.

You can create screen limited or screen free play groups.

Spend time unplugged with your family, with friends and

connect, connect, connect.

I love how easy a lot of these things are and how, when you explain it

to your kids, it's just like vitamins.

We're going to hug this long.

Like I've got a middle-schooler and I have to chase him out to the car to give him

his hug in the mornings before school.

And that's okay.

That's just part of our routine.

Now it's become funny,

Yes.

But that's a non-negotiable at our house.

You've got to say goodbye with a hug.

You've got to.

I love that.

I love that.

And that's what he'll remember, you know?

Oh, yeah.

And it's become a funny thing.

Yes.

Oh

It's his right of passage as a middle-schooler to do that to you too.

Totally.

And I'm not even in front of his friends.

This is just he and I, so he's got it easy.

He's got it easy.

But by the time they're high schoolers.

Yeah.

They they're trained to, to hug.

Give good hugs.

Good.

This is good.

This is good.

I really appreciate this framework and leaving us with a sense of hope

and some easy things we can do.

Get that outside time, make sure and move your body, name your feelings, name them,

narrate everything that you're doing on the phone so that kids know you're not,

you know, you're not out there playing games and having a good time without them.

This is a tool that adults use.

So good.

most, most, most important healthy screen habit I could tell

anybody to do is when, when you choose to, you know, introduce

devices to your home, to your child, establish a family docking station,

get the screens out of the bedroom.

You must keep tech out of the bedrooms to keep them safe.

Predators need two things.

They need accessibility and vulnerability.

And whether it's predators via cyber bullying, being salacious

content, being anything.

It's the, the most important, healthy screen habit you can have is.

Family docking station.

Other people have lockboxes or whatever, but I personally am low-tech.

I keep things very, as simple as I can in my house.

we use the master bathroom because it's close enough.

It's close enough to dissuade creative teenage thinking which I have many

stories to back up of teenagers who got very creative in the night

of accessing devices that were "locked down", I'm using air quotes.

So the master bathroom is it protects my sleep, which I have

gotten incredibly selfish with.

It's funny how that happens.

Yeah.

yes, and, and keeps the devices out of the bedroom.

Low-tech is the way to go.

There's so many kids that know to Google whatever hack to

get around whatever system.

And when it's old school and you've collected the devices and they're

somewhere central where you can hear or they're in your bedroom

or, you know, the place that you have decided is the safe place,

there's a lot less, that can happen.

Right,

I agree with you.

What are you hopeful about with online safety and health?

Oh, Lisa, I have so much hope, you have no idea.

I really believe that this generation I could get, oh my

gosh, you're getting me choked up.

I believe this generation of kids so much that they are growing up

with this technology, that they are going to dosuch great things.

I mean, we stand on the shoulders of those before us and they are standing on Titans.

I mean, they are going to solve problems.

Already our medical technology is exceeding things that I ever

thought I'd see in my lifetime.

And I mean, I just, I think this generation is our strongest yet.

I really do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so good.

I, I feel your emotion.

And I second that idea.

I am in awe of what our kids' generation is doing now, and will be doing soon.

Yes, the digital space actually allows them a

whole new area of creativity.

Yeah.

When you harness the space and use it to drive positive

growth, we've all seen, we have all seen the negative effects and

that that is equally detrimental.

But on the flip side of that, we, I mean, there is creative space that

kids don't even skip a beat in turning to, in problem solving that people of

yours and my generation, we may get there, but it'll take us a few steps.

They just come going "boom".

It's not even a question of how to get to that next spot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what I am encouraged by as well as this is that they are in touch

with more emotions and willing to talk about emotions in a way that

my generation didn't know how to do.

So

For sure.

And understanding the importance of mental health and supporting differences

in others and recognizing the beauty that comes together with an integration

of all thoughts and all types of people.

And together we are stronger.

I think this generation is amazing.

What a great way to end.

My final question is always, what is one thing you'd like to unplug from right now?

And what is one thing you'd like to plug into?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Oh, for sure.

For sure.

So my unplug, I battled my own self with just zoning out and scrolling during times

when I just maybe feel overwhelmed or I'm using it as a procrastination device.

I can "country living" myself to death on the Instagram feeds, you know.

there are a thousand different estates I would like to walk through.

So, so.

I am looking forward to taking some unplugged time from social media.

And I really want to intentionally plug into holiday fun, just

holiday connections, and that can include holidaymovies , or

creating playlists together.

That's one of the best things I love to do with, I have teenagers, so music

is a language that speaks very deeply to them and I'll ask them, "oh, guys

were, you know, say we're going to go drive Christmas lights tonight.

Can you guys make a playlist?"

And then it's just, it's so fun to have them have their own

fingerprints on the experience.

That is another great mom hack right there.

Is get them involved, speak their language.

Hey, make a playlist for us as we go do this fun family thing together.

Love that.

We did that on a road trip this summer, my son started a playlist

and all five of us contribute.

Yeah.

I was amazed by how much of the music I didn't, I didn't know it

previously, but I really liked it.

Like they have great taste.

Yes I did.

Aren't you so proud?

I kind of am.

Yes.

Yes I.

You're like, you're so cool.

When did you people get cool?

Yeah.

It's great to like your kids.

It's great to like really

Yes.

It's the best.

your kids.

All right.

Friends.

It is time for us to unplug.

Hillary, how can parents find out more about you and Healthy Screen Habits?

Where should they go?

Oh, thank you for asking.

People can always get in touch with us at healthyscreenhabits.org.

And that's also the landing spot for for the healthy screen habits podcast as well.

You can find all things healthy screen habits related, on Healthy Screen

Habits .org, as well as on Instagram or Facebook, we're at Healthy Screen

Habits, everything's under the same name.

Fantastic.

I knew this was going to be a whirlwind of information and I so appreciate

your generosity explaining this cycle and bringing awareness to how early

this elevation of screens starts.

So I, I just, I love our time together.

Thank you so much.

Oh, I feel like if we live closer, we'd be great friends.

Thank goodness for technology.

Exactly.

Exactly.

All right.

Thank you, Hillary.