As you rise and grow in your career and as your vision of what you want gets more apparent, at some point, you'll realize that if you want to take that next step, you'll end up leaving some parts of the life you're currently living behind. This can seem very scary and uncertain. In many cases, you might even pass up on something you really want and believe in due to the anxiety and fear that such a change will bring.

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As you rise and grow in your career and as your vision of what you really want gets clearer and clearer, at some point you’ll realize that if you really want to take that next step, that you’ll end up leaving some parts of the life you’re currently living, behind. This can seem very scary and uncertain. In many cases, you might even pass up on something you really want and believe in due to the anxiety and fear that such a change will bring. You might think there is a chance your assumptions are wrong and that you’ll regret taking the risk. You might think your boldness to take a big chance on yourself will leave you in a worse place than you are now. You might think your plans will work but you’ll end up alone. Let’s examine that today… are those thoughts really true or are they driven from your amygdala, your primitive brain, whose desire is to keep you safe in the world you already know? What if NOT stepping into your highest potential self and NOT taking this next step on your path is a bigger risk?

First, let me give you some examples of circumstances you could find yourself in where you will begin to have these thoughts:

1- You find out about an opening for a position that you have been dreaming of and quietly preparing yourself for… although it’s in a different organization. You start to think about the team you are leading today, the colleagues you’ve built great relationships with, the senior leadership team who have been providing some mentorship for you and that you have come to respect. You know the culture, you know how to manage the bureaucracy, you have more junior people you are helping to grow. Even though you don’t typically love large gatherings – there is a small group on your team who goes to happy hour and grabs a glass of wine on Thursdays – and as an introvert, you have come to love this one outing – it feels so casual and comfortable, you really love these people. You are sure you will never find this type of camaraderie again. (Or maybe you think it is possible, but it will take forever to build the rapport again with a new team.)

2- What if you have been living in a specific Neighborhood for 7-10 years (or longer). You decide that it’s time to move to a different house or even a new city (to drive new opportunity or to create a life you dream of living, in any sense of the word.) This situation could drive these types of feelings, that you will leave behind awesome friends and neighbors, that your new neighbors can’t be as wonderful, that you might be wrong financially, or that you will be seen as too driven.

3- If you still live in the town or city where you grew up, or very near a good amount of family – that is a very powerful reason that you may have these feelings. This is very understandable and relatable; I just ask you to examine your thoughts to check if you are having the fear of leaving this world behind because you really don’t want to be away from your family or if you are unintentionally using that thought to keep you safe.

I am sure there are several other scenarios in which the fear of what you are leaving behind could sneak in. These are just a few that came quickly to mind, but I think you get the picture.

I can tell you that in my life there are so many times this exact issue has come up. I grew up in a fairly small town on the Colorado plains (Fort Morgan, CO – it is a lot bigger now than it was 30 years ago… it a thriving farm town 60 miles east of Denver.) I remember when I joined the Navy and the week I was leaving to go to Bootcamp – how much anxiety I had. I was both excited and scared... I had no idea what to expect. I was leaving everything I had ever know behind. My family, my dearest life-long friends, the first car I ever bought myself, the job I had been working at for 2 years (I was 19). In that case I remember thinking that in that town the only thing I could see as a strong career was in the School District or maybe starting a business of my own – which was in no way a plan of mine when I was 19, ha ha. I had big dreams and none of them included staying in that town, so I used the Navy as a pathway to build a life in a different place and as an opportunity to explore the world. What ended up happening? I ended up serving in the Navy for 23+ years, I met my husband, I have my three amazing children, I have seen so much of the world that the world seems small… AND I still have close relationships with my entire family, I still have strong relationships with at least two of my very best friends from my childhood and high school, AND – I developed some of the deepest, most meaningful relationships of my life after I left. Looking back now, I don’t feel like I lost anything at all… I feel like my life has become one multifaceted experience of which I am proud and that I continue to step into with excitement every day.

Another more recent experience I had was about 4-5 years ago when I discovered a promotional opportunity at a different large organization. I applied with low expectations that I would be selected – but you know me, I always believe no one can tell you YES if you tell yourself NO. It turns out I was called for an interview and then I was offered the job. The main issue was that if I said yes, it would require me leaving a large organization where I had served for 9-10 years total, over my career. The new position was STRONGLY in my comfort zone, it was in the same city, it was a substantial pay-raise and I knew most of the people who I would be working with. Still… today, I can’t believe it, but I actually turned down the initial offer. Why? Because when it came down to it – I suddenly had a flash of fear, that if I left the group of people I was working with, if I left the senior leadership who had given me so many opportunities over the years, that I would regret it for some reason. Thank goodness when I declined the offer, the new place gave me a phone call and asked me if there was any way I’d reconsider, along with some inspiration regarding how I’d make a bigger difference in the new position. I eventually did accept that offer, that new more senior position which was a direct stepping stone to the executive position I am in today. At the time I changed, I thought it was highly unlikely that I’d ever be considered for such a role as I am in today… when in reality, if I had stayed where I was, I would have been 10 years from such a position – if anyone ever would have even considered that I was ready. How about the previous organization and the people I left behind there? Well, I am still friends with all of them. Now we collaborate on challenges and make a bigger impact because we have such tight cross- organizational relationships. And guess what? I still get invited to some of those small, tight-knit, happy hours to have a glass of wine with people I adore and who inspire me and keep me going. I didn’t lose anything, rather the entire experience has been additive and has made my career and overall life a better place.

So, what’s the problem with staying in a position, an organization, a neighborhood, or a city where you are comfortable? There is seriously nothing directly wrong with any of these, at all. The issue is when you have an inkling of a dream, a bigger goal, a vision for a life you could be living and want to be living, but you decide that your friends won’t understand or your family will be upset, or you might lose some safety or security from known colleagues or neighbors or friends… it is these exact thoughts that limit your opportunities and limit the full potential of your overall life and career. It is 100% ok for you to decide you are going to stay where you are in every sense of the word, but I just want you to make sure that you have clearly made that DECISION for yourself and that you aren’t using the thought to hold you back when you really do want to go.

So, how do you know the difference? How do you know when you are holding yourself back for comfort and security alone, and how do you know that it is time for you to DECIDE to do something different?

One good way to do this is to examine your thoughts, to really get clear on what you want, what YOU want – not what anyone else wants for you. Do you feel obligations pulling you in different directions? Obligations from what others expect from you? Do your colleagues, friends, or family share their opinions with you or say things that make you feel guilt or even shame for wanting something bigger? When you think about these expectations, do you want to meet them? Or, do you want something different? Perhaps more autonomy, more freedom to live a life you want.

I know one thing I have felt in the past has come from when I have been leading major projects. I feel the obligation of achieving the next milestone or keeping the overall effort on track. Considering leaving when I have just a major effort that I am responsible for is a daunting thought and made me feel like I’d be letting so many people down, like people would judge me for the timing of my departure alone. One way I mitigated that thought was to prepare someone else to step into my shoes. I always do this… I have someone or multiple “someones” who I attempt to mentor to take my place. I know when I find the right person or people because that effort will continue to move forward even if I do nothing else. This allows that person to grow and it also gives me freedom to either strategically think or to grow as well. I believe that positive organizational turnover, as people grow and expand their capabilities is good for both the organization and the people. Stagnation in one position, especially when there is a large % of that stagnation across the entire organization will slow the growth and impact of an organization.

Activity: If this episode is resonating with you and you are feeling like you might be remaining too long in a situation that you have been wanting to change and if you feel like it might be because you are afraid of what you are leaving behind – I have a free resource to help you analyze where you are now, where you want to be. This resource will also help you clearly define the next steps you need to take if you decide you are ready to change, if you are ready for that next step.

Conclusion

There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying in a job, in a house, in a relationship, at an organization, or any other circumstance as long as you have clearly decided that is what you want to do and that you love your reasons for doing so. It’s a beautiful thing, my friend, when you decide on purpose to commit to something you believe in and then go all-in on that circumstance. What I don’t want you to do is to want something SO bad, something you have always wanted, and then when it is right there in front of you to step back from it because you are afraid of what you’ll leave behind. Especially when whatever you are most afraid of might not even be accurate. Create a rich life full of experiences you want to have, show yourself what is possible, and believe that you are 100% capable of becoming the woman who boldly steps forward. You’ll be amazed at who you become!