Shownotes
In this episode of Dog Tag Diaries, we delve into the powerful and deeply personal story of Amber. Born in Redmond, Oregon, and raised in Bend, Oregon, Amber shares her experiences growing up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses alongside her sister, Ariane. Despite a sheltered and often challenging childhood, marked by constant comparisons to her sister, Amber sought to carve her own path and prove her worth.
Key Points:
• Early Life: Born to Guy and Jane Thomas, Amber describes her upbringing in a strict religious household and the pressures she faced to live up to her sister’s achievements.
• Marriage and Move: At 18, she moved to Quantico, Virginia, with her high school sweetheart who joined the Marine Corps.
• Military Service: Inspired by the challenging nature of the Marine Corps, she enlisted at 19 and became a military police officer, striving to prove her strength and capabilities in a male-dominated environment.
• Personal Struggles: While serving, she faced significant personal traumas, including being sexually assaulted by her first sergeant, leading to a difficult decision to have an abortion.
• Career and Resilience: Despite facing gender discrimination and personal abuse, Amber served for 12 years and worked at four different duty stations. Her perseverance and dedication were unwavering, even as she dealt with the pain and struggles of being one of the few women in her field.
• Medical Retirement: At 31, she was medically retired from the Marine Corps due to multiple injuries and PTSD stemming from her experiences.
• Post-Military Life: After leaving the service, she pursued education in hairstyling, barbering, and esthetics, becoming a self-employed professional.
• Healing Journey: Over the past year, Amber has been living in Sedona, Arizona, focusing on healing and working through her trauma, embracing her journey of self-discovery and resilience.
Join us as Amber opens up about her journey, from a quiet, sheltered child to a strong and resilient woman who continues to overcome her past and look forward to the future. Her story is a testament to the strength and courage of military women everywhere.
Follow Amber:
Instagram: @its_ambervi
Facebook: Amber Donnelly
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Contact Us: Have a story to share? Reveilleandretreat@gmail.com
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If you’re thinking about hurting yourself or having thoughts of suicide contact the
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Transcripts
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Dakota [:Ever wondered what it's like to be a trailblazing female marine, breaking barriers and facing adversity head on?
Kim [:Join us as we dive into the extraordinary story of a woman who fought battles on the front lines and within the ranks, overcoming immense obstacles to emerge stronger than ever.
Dakota [:Tune in to hear her raw, unfiltered journey of resilience, determination, and triumph in the face of relentless challenges.
Kim [:This is a story you won't wanna miss. Welcome to Dog Tag Diaries, where military women share true stories. We are your hosts, Captain Kim.
Dakota [:And Captain Dakota. The stories you are about to hear are powerful. We appreciate that you have joined us and are eager to learn more about these experiences and connect with the military women who are willing to share their stories in order to foster community and understanding.
Kim [:Military women are providing valuable insight into their experiences, struggles, and triumphs. By speaking their truth, they contribute to a deeper understanding of the challenges they face and the resilience they demonstrate.
Dakota [:We appreciate your decision to join us today to gain insights and knowledge from the experiences of these courageous military women. Thank you for being here. Joining us today, we have Amber Donnelly, who has served in the marines for 12 years. Thank you for joining us, Amber.
Amber Donnelly [:Thanks for having me.
Dakota [:Of course. We would like you to tell us about your childhood.
Amber Donnelly [:Okay. I was born and raised in Bend, Oregon to my parents, Skye and Jane. I was the second in line, so I had an older sister We're in 1980, and I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness religion, which is a cult, in my opinion, very, very, protected and kind of raised in a bubble and just not allowed to, like, do a lot of things and just didn't celebrate my birthday and celebrate holidays. It was an interesting upbringing, just being totally isolated from the world and not getting to, like, have a lot of friends outside of my family unit. So my sister was my best and pretty much only friend. But we did a lot as a family. Like, our parents were really into outdoors. Like, we grew up skiing and hiking, and my parents had a boat and we would water ski and we would go camping like every weekend and they picked up windsurfing and we learned how to windsurf.
Amber Donnelly [:So we really got to do a lot outdoors. So, you know, as far as, like, we never really felt like we were lacking as far as that goes, but my father was pretty abusive. Knowing what I know now about my dad and his childhood, he didn't have a very good example for parents growing up. So he was fairly emotionally and physically abusive toward us and our mom. And, really, I think that lended to a feeling of never feeling safe in the home unit. You know? And my mom was the typical, you know, subservient, like, 1950s religious housewife where, like, oh, whatever your dad says goes, you know, and so not only did I feel afraid of my dad, but I also kind of felt like I was betrayed by my mother. So those are kind of, like, my core childhood wounds.
Dakota [:How would you describe yourself? Like, your personality?
Amber Donnelly [:As a child, it's funny because, you know, I've been doing some, like, research on the archetypes. Right? And the wild woman archetype really, like, rings true for me and my soul because as a kid, I was such a tomboy, and I I always wanted to, like, get out and play and just adventure and build ports and ride my bike and land, just have fun. You know? But everyone said that I was shy and like, emotional. And it's funny because, yeah, maybe I was shy. I wasn't as outgoing as my sister, or as smart as my sister, as pretty as my sister, as popular as my sister. And that was another thing. Like, I constantly got compared to her. Like, why can't you be more like your sister? Why are you doing this? Why are you so sensitive? And maybe I was a little quieter, but like, I was kind of a wild child.
Amber Donnelly [:I wasn't like I've always been the black sheep of my family, and I've always kind of pushed the boundaries and never wanted to do the right thing to do was I was like, well, that's the right thing to do. I'm gonna do the opposite. And it was like I kind of, like, maybe was my rebellion of joining the military because in our family and our religion, they don't believe in military. They don't believe in Well, I guess this is a good entering point of how did
Kim [:Well, I guess this is a good entering point of how did you decide to go into the military? And what were the repercussions from your family?
Amber Donnelly [:I didn't know anything about military growing up. Like, they didn't tell us about it. I didn't really know what it was. I had just seen movies about army. Like, I just thought that every branch of the military was army. I just thought it was, like, army, and that was it. And then when I got older, my high school boyfriend who I had married actually at right when I turned 19, he was joining the marine corps. So he joined the marine corps right after high school.
Amber Donnelly [:We got married at 19. We're babies. And we moved we got stationed in Quantico, Virginia. And so that's kind of my introduction to, like, what military was. It was like, oh, there's like all these different branches, like the Navy, and they're like, in the ocean, and the Air Force is in the sky. And I had this like, crash course to what military was. And to me, I was like, wow, what a, like, valiant effort that these people are doing, like dedicating themselves to this cause and, like, fighting for freedom of religion. Right? And everything else, it was, like, so appealing to me.
Amber Donnelly [:It was such a romantic idea for me, like, giving your life for others for freedom. And I've always been kind of, like, a nurturing, empathetic kind of giving person of myself. So it just really made a lot of sense to me to do it, and it was a hard thing. You know? I had never done hard things as a child other than just kind of get bullied by my family and other control. So it was like, I'm gonna do it, and I can do it. And I remember having this conversation with my dad, and I called him and I told him I'm a new marine corps. And he's like, you can't do that. And I was like, watch me.
Amber Donnelly [:And so, basically, my family really didn't talk to me much for probably the 1st year that I was even in. Like, none of them showed up to my marine corps graduation.
Kim [:Mhmm. Oh, gosh.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. I didn't get letters. And the Marine Corps, like all my other friends, especially as a female, it's quite a challenge, you know, and everyone was so proud, like, oh, our daughter's, you know, doing this Marine Corps thing. And none of my family was proud. They were just like, she's a sinner. So, you know, I just felt called to, like, give myself in that way and to see if I could do it really. Because I was just always made to feel like, well, when you get old enough, your job is to become a wife and have babies and serve God.
Dakota [:What did your husband at the time think of that You joined in the marines?
Amber Donnelly [:He didn't like it.
Dakota [:How did you overcome that?
Amber Donnelly [:When I told him that I was joining and we were babies. We were 19. Right? I told him I was gonna join, and he said no wife of mine is gonna be a marine. And I went anyway.
Kim [:Oh, gosh. You didn't have any support. Not from your parents or your husband at the time?
Amber Donnelly [:No. Nope. And so I left. I went anyway, and I happened to leave on February 14th, Valentine's Day, which was his birthday. I left for boot camp. And that was the end of our marriage because he's cheated on me while I was gone at boot camp, and I found out and just a whole bunch of stuff happened. And that was like, it was just silly. We were children.
Amber Donnelly [:We shouldn't have even been married.
Dakota [:It was like, I think it was my ticket out of town, out of the small town that I lived in.
Amber Donnelly [:And somehow, ticket out of town, out of the small town that I lived in. And somehow I subconsciously knew, like, if I marry him, since he's going off to the marines, like, I can finally get out of here.
Dakota [:Yeah. That makes sense.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah.
Dakota [:So tell us more about your military experience.
Amber Donnelly [:I went at 19. I went to boot camp in Parris Island, South Carolina, which is where females all trained back then. They didn't it was this females, Parris Island, and all the males were in San Diego and Parris Island, but I don't think it was until recently.
Kim [:Oh, is that how the corps does it? Mhmm.
Amber Donnelly [:It's segregated for sure.
Kim [:Oh, okay. So you were in Parris Island?
Amber Donnelly [:Mhmm. Yeah. We didn't even see males. It was, February 14th 2000 was when I joined. Or that's when I went off to boot camp. I had some time before that when I was, like, in the delayed entry program. So I went to boot camp in February, and it was 13 weeks. And I got hurt pretty early on, but I didn't say anything.
Amber Donnelly [:I just pushed through it.
Kim [:What happened?
Amber Donnelly [:I hurt my knee. I think we were on a run, and I hit some rock, like, sideways or something, and I think I just tweaked my knee a little bit. And I just pushed through because if you get hurt in Marine Corps boot camp, you get pushed back and you get held in this, like, they call it broke dick platoon, but it's,
Kim [:I think they're called it recycled in the army, but is that what they called it in the marines? What was it? Broke dick?
Amber Donnelly [:Broke dick platoon. Yeah. I think it's called, like, BCP or something. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure there's, like, a real name for it, but that's what everybody called it. Like, they didn't give a shit whose feelings they hurt. They're just like, oh, you're a broke dick. You're going to BRP or whatever. So nobody wanted to get recycled because that meant that you were just stuck there for, like, even longer.
Amber Donnelly [:And Marine Corps boot camp is the longest 1. It's 13 weeks. So it's like 3 months. And, I mean, longer than that, it's like hell. So, yeah, I didn't say anything. I just sucked it up and suffered through. And I graduated on time on May 12, 2000, and my husband showed up. And then I went to MP School.
Amber Donnelly [:I was military police. Or no. I went to MCT after that. So in the marine corps, everyone is a rifleman. So you have to go to MCT, which is marine combat training. So I went to marine combat training in North Carolina, and that was a month. And they teach you kind of what it's like in combat. You have to go through, like, real world combat situations, like building clearing and how to throw grenades and you shoot all the different weapons.
Amber Donnelly [:You shoot, like, 50 cals and 2 40 golfs and all the other different ones, and you learn, like, squad movements. And it's kind of like, I guess, TBS for the enlisted person, which is, like, the basic school where officers learn how to lead a platoon in the battle.
Kim [:How is that getting a weapon in your hand from your childhood upbringing where you really weren't exposed to anything like that?
Amber Donnelly [:When I was younger, my dad taught me how to shoot a pistol. So he was very much into, like, hunting and fishing. Like, we could still do that kind of stuff. And he had this pistol that he taught me how to shoot, and we would shoot, like, cans off of a fence post and stuff. So I kinda kind of had an idea. But in boot camp, we learned how to shoot our rifle or m 16 aq. And we shot at 500 yards with open sights, which is, I think, the furthest that people shoot really with open sights. When I shoot, it was a really good shot because I had no bad habits.
Amber Donnelly [:So they said it's the easiest to teach people that don't really know what they're doing because you don't have bad habits to lean on from back when you're a kid, like, shooting your rifle with your dad or whatever. You know? So it was pretty easy for me, and I was a little bit afraid of it. I was afraid of the rifle at first. Like, I was very nervous because they're, you know, they stress to us. Like, you can kill someone with this. And I didn't wanna be that recruit to, like, flag someone on the line. And but, the more I did it, the more confident I got. So in MCT, when we learned how to shoot, like, the big guns, you know, that you're sitting behind, and it's like, you know, it was like, oh, yeah, this is fun.
Amber Donnelly [:You know, we got to throw grenades and like, do all I mean, I had a good time. I was such a tomboy, though. I was like, that was me as a kid. I just had boyfriends. Like, I never hung out with girls and got all makeupy and shit. Like, I was this tomboy, but it was a good time. I was really excited. I was really into it.
Amber Donnelly [:I love learning and I loved being active and I've always been active and I always love to camp and backpack and I mean I backpacked a section of the PCT when I was 12, so I was ready for it.
Kim [:What? You're a badass.
Amber Donnelly [:Our mom was totally into that.
Kim [:When you were 12? Mhmm.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. We backpacked a 5 day portion of the Jefferson PCT area.
Dakota [:And can you say what the PCT is for our listeners in case they don't know?
Amber Donnelly [:Oh, yeah. Pacific Crest Trail. So it's a trail that goes from, well, south to north or north to south through California all the way up into Canada. And a lot of people will hike straight through or they hike portions in, like, all of Oregon at once. Like, my mom did the whole Oregon portion. And my grandfather, he back in the forties after the war, he, skied from Mount Hood to Crater Lake by himself, and that's the PCP.
Kim [:You come from a long lineage as of bad asses. That's what you come from.
Amber Donnelly [:Our grandparents were like they were like pioneers in the ski community in Bend. So we grew up skiing. Like, that was our life. But, yeah, it was pretty cool to do that part that he had skied through, like, back in the forties, and I got to hike through that part. So
Kim [:Wow. That's cool. So after weapons training, then you went to be a military Reveille.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. So I went to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, got my military police training, and then I got stationed back in Quantico because that's where my husband was at. So we were still married back then. And, they try to station you together. It's not always guaranteed. But because I was just coming in, I was pretty much guaranteed to go to Quantico, which is a difficult first duty station. Quantico is it's the crossroads of the marine corps. It's headquarters, marine corps.
Amber Donnelly [:It's where all of the high brass is. I mean, generals, colonels, majors. I mean, you don't see that kind of brass out in the fleet. So it's kind of like a abnormal duty station. So to have that be my first duty, I was kind of spoiled.
Kim [:How did you thrive there?
Amber Donnelly [:You just learned how to brown nose, really. Being an MP, I had some really abnormal jobs. Like, normal MPs at any other duty station would be standing gate guard for years. Like, you don't get a car right away. You know? You're doing shit guard duty basically for a long time. And being in Quantico, I mean, I think I was on gate guard for maybe 6 months, and then I got a different duty. I got trained to be an EMT, and I got put on emergency medical dispatch. So I got to be a 911 call taker and dispatch 911 fire and rescue units.
Amber Donnelly [:And I got to work with NCIS doing undercover drug buys, which was in DC.
Dakota [:Wow. That's cool.
Amber Donnelly [:So that was an interesting job. And most MPs don't get to do that stuff if you're out in the fleet. So being in Quantico really gave me, like, a huge opportunity to do some cool stuff.
Dakota [:Yeah. That's awesome.
Kim [:Interesting job for an interesting woman.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. So after my first 4 years in Quantico, I mean, there was some stuff that happened there that really, like, put a sour taste in my mouth. And I told you guys a little bit about that. Like, I was sexually assaulted and raped while I was in Quantico after my 2nd year in. And I kind of really hated the corps after that, because I just hated it. I had a lot of resentment toward marines in general and male marines, and I just didn't feel like they had my back. I felt like it was the enemy, and I got out after my first 4 years and worked in DC. I got deputized as a marshal, and I did security for John Aftrop, who at the time was the attorney general of the United States.
Amber Donnelly [:So I got out, and I just kinda hated for a long time.
Kim [:Rightfully so.
Dakota [:Yeah. Totally. Did you ever, at the time, like, tell anyone or report it or anything like that? Or can you can you talk more about that?
Amber Donnelly [:No. I didn't because I was threatened. The person who did it was very high up in my chain of command and said, if I told anyone I'd be sorry. And I really believed it. I mean, I was a Lance Corporal at the time, which is like an e 3 in the Marine Corps. I was 20 I just turned 22. Maybe I was still 21. I was really young.
Kim [:Yeah. That had to be so scary.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. The person that did it was very muscular and loud and just huge presence and really angry all the time, higher up in the chain of command. And I was afraid of them already, you know, which I think coming from a family where you don't really have a voice to begin with in the religion. And my dad was a scary person. And, you know, I think I just already was, like, set up to not be able to stand up for myself in that position.
Kim [:Isn't that interesting how that transcends into our adult life? Our childhood traumas transcend into our adult life.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. It's funny. I mean, in a way, like, the way that I grew up with a strict father that was already kind of loud and scary and this religion that was already very organized and strict. Like, I was perfect for the military, and I was kind of primed perfectly for someone to take advantage of me in that way, sexually too, because we weren't allowed to say no. And especially to a man, like, the man was considered, like, this upper echelon, like, oh, you don't say no to your husband. You don't ask questions. You don't stand up for yourself. It's just very, like, not woman power at all, kinda how the military was.
Dakota [:Yeah.
Kim [:That had to make you feel so isolated and sad and scared and all the feelings.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. And I was pregnant. I got pregnant. Oh, gosh. And I knew it was his because there wasn't anyone else that I was with. So I thought about, could I keep this baby? And the marine that he was black? You know, it's like, okay, I am Caucasian. Like, this is my you know, and then you have to explain. And I I just don't think that there was any way that I could have had that baby and been okay.
Amber Donnelly [:So I had an abortion. So it was all secret. You know, I never told anyone. I never reported the rape, because I always thought, you know, he's so high up in the chain of command, no 1 would ever believe me. And I just kept it to myself and went and found Planned Parenthood up in Maryland and had it all done by myself and just kind of buried it away in the depths of my traumatic memory forever. I never spoke of it until I got out.
Kim [:You're so brave to talk about it now. You're so brave. Thank you.
Dakota [:Thank you for sharing that.
Amber Donnelly [:I think you have to be able to talk about it to heal. Because if there's ever anyone that listens to this that has the same thing that happened, like, it affected me for a long time because I didn't deal with it. I never had talked about it with a therapist. I mean, for a long time, I think I forgot that it happened. And it wasn't until I got out after 12 years, and they were discharging me for my knee problem. And they had done this assessment on me to see if I had PTSD. And I was like, why are you doing a PTSD assessment? Like, I've never even been to war. And they're like, well, just we're gonna do it.
Amber Donnelly [:So I took this, like, 300 question test, and they're like, you have PTSD very severely. And I was like, okay. You know? And so I had tucked it back for so long and never talked about it or dealt with it that I barely even remember that it happened or didn't remember any details. But the subconscious mind and the way trauma works, it affects you so much in your relationships and your life and how you react to people on the street and crowds. I was triggered all the time by people and didn't even realize what was going on. So I think to be able to talk about it and get it out there and just not feel ashamed, I think I felt shame for so long for killing my baby. That was part of just tucking it away and pretending like it didn't happen. And so to overcome the trauma and live a normal healthy life and have a healthy relationship, you have to deal with the shit.
Amber Donnelly [:You know? You have to grieve, and you have to forgive yourself. And so kind of this last year, my whole purpose has just been, like, working through all this trauma that I have from my childhood and from the Marine Corps and other stuff. Because if I don't, I'm just gonna keep living my life in fear. And I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. I want to thrive and I want to be happy and be the wild woman that I am.
Dakota [:Yeah. Love that. We're proud of you for doing the work and focusing on yourself and overcoming that trauma that you've experienced.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. There's a lot of other stuff. I mean, I went back in and stayed in for another 8 years after that, and I was on funeral duty for a long time.
Kim [:What made you wanna go back in?
Amber Donnelly [:You know, I was working in DC and doing this Department of Justice stuff, like, for John Ashcroft, but he was triggering to me. Like, he was sexist and racist and bastard. There was these beautiful structures in the justice building and they had these women and they were like, these Grecian women, and they had their boobs, and they were all out like with the hands of time and all this stuff and gorgeous statues, and he had them covered up with tarps. And there was just all these things about him that I didn't like, and I'm I was thinking like, yeah. I'm really making good money, but do I really wanna take a bullet for this asshole? Like, I don't think so. And I had heard about this opportunity in the marine corps where I don't remember how I heard about it, but they were standing up the wounded warrior regiment. So they were realizing the need for a whole battalion that just had resources for wounded warriors because it was it was in 2004. And you know how big 2004 was.
Amber Donnelly [:I mean, 2003 and 2004 were some of the nastiest years, like, for the marine corps anyway. Like, we had tons of death, tons of injury for, like, in Fallujah, and they came up with a whole unit just for injured marines. So they were hiring, like, out of the reserves for this unit. And so I was in the IRR at the time, which is inactive ready reserve. And I heard that they were hiring IRR to come on as, like, active reserve units. They called it ADSW at the time or ADSW, and it was like active duty special work orders. So you're like a reserve on active orders, and you get to, like, work with this unit. And I was, like, totally called because that I always felt called to, like, help people.
Amber Donnelly [:And so I came back on reserve orders and worked with, it was called marine for life. That's what it was called at the time. And, you know, we got to work with a bunch of reserve brains and a bunch of injured brains and helping them with their traumatic brain injuries and their they lost limbs and just trying to get them as many benefits as possible. And it was just very rewarding work, and then I ended up coming back on active duty. So after my orders were up, my reserve orders were up, I ended up reenlisting in the active reserves. So I did another 8 years on active reserves.
Kim [:And what did that look like?
Amber Donnelly [:I worked with the Wounded Warrior Battalion for 4 years in Quantico. So I was back in Quantico again for 4 more years. Then I got stationed in Portland, Oregon. They said, you know, you've been here in Quantico long enough, like, you're homesteading. So we've got to give you orders. Like, you can't stay here forever. So I was like, okay. And they gave me like a choice between, like, Michigan at some reserve unit or Portland, Oregon.
Amber Donnelly [:And I was like, oh, I'm from Oregon. Like, I would love to go to Portland. And so I'd be close to home and everything. And so I got stationed in Portland, Oregon on I and I duty, which is inspector instructor duty, where you go to a reserve unit as an active duty service member and you teach the reserves and train them how to do their jobs so that they're ready when it's time to, like, deploy or activate. So I worked at a reserve unit here, and we would work basically, like, 1 weekend a month with the marines, and the rest of the month, we would do funerals. So I would do anywhere from 5 to 10 funerals a week. We did cacko duty. Cacko duty is when it's casualty assistance called off through when you go to a person's door, and tell them that their son or husband or wife or whoever it is has died in combat.
Amber Donnelly [:So you have to go and deliver the news. So that's a rough duty. So I did the 2 years I and I in Portland, and then I did another 3 years I and I in Spokane, Washington. So 5 years straight of mostly just burying people and all that. Community events too. Like, we would do, like, parades and Memorial Day parades or 4th July parade during uniform, you know, marching down the road with, like, the flag. That's the other part. It's like, all that death.
Amber Donnelly [:And they tell you Yeah. You know, straight up, I think my first funeral, I did. I cried afterward. I was like, that's so sad. You know? Like, that was a marine that died of war.
Kim [:Natural release of emotion. Yeah. Right. Crying.
Amber Donnelly [:It's a death. Like, it's a natural thing to feel sad.
Kim [:Yeah.
Amber Donnelly [:And my staff sergeant came out to me, and he's like, suck it up, Marine. It's not your time to feel. And that was it. That was the only time I cried. And after that, it was just stone cold. Like, stone cold, get the job done. We would make sick jokes about it. Like, it just really was morbid and
Dakota [:Like, dark humor.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. I mean, you know, it's the military dark humor. Like, we all because it's death. You know? We're in killing and death, and it's like, how else do you get through it? It's not a natural thing is what I'm realizing. Like, you're really a bunch of robots.
Dakota [:Yeah. Absolutely. But that
Kim [:was the environment you were put in, and that's how you conditioned yourself to get through it. Mhmm. Gotcha.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. So I think it's hard now to not feel like a total fucking asshole when someone dies or they're sick, and I'm just over here like, oh, well, that sucks. Because I think where's the emotions? It's hard. I still haven't learned how to, like, feel in some ways. So I kinda feel like an asshole because I'm just, like, not affected by it. It's just I don't know how to turn that part back on after I turned it off for so long.
Kim [:Well, that was 5 years, you said, doing 8 to 10 funerals a week?
Amber Donnelly [:I mean, it could be more. I mean, sometimes it was 2 a day. Sometimes it was 8 to 10 a week. Sometimes it was not, you know, 1 or 2 a week. It just depended on how many people were dying at the time. There was a couple cackos where 1 was a 19 year old, and his father was our casualty assistant call. And, you know, I had a lot of involvement in that case, and he kind of attached to me. So, like, because his son had died, he hadn't really accepted it.
Amber Donnelly [:He attached onto me in replacement for his son, and it was a very unhealthy attachment for him and, you know, several others like that. So it's not only just, like, burying people, but then, like, you have to go through this cycle with these people for about a year to get the personal effects back and to receive the body and to do the funeral and to do the insurance money and they you spend every day with these people, that's your job. So they really attached to you. And sometimes it can be really it's a trauma bond, you know, and so it's a really unhealthy thing. And that's really hard to deal with because they don't teach you how to deal with that. You know? They're just like, this is your job. Figure it out. Yeah.
Amber Donnelly [:It's an accomplishment.
Kim [:Well, they did tell you how to deal with it just in an unhealthy way.
Amber Donnelly [:Right.
Kim [:Suck it up, marine.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. Don't feel don't be a human. You know, I was in for 12 years, and I've been out for 12 years. And I feel like this year is kind of the 1st year when I really, like, learned how to be a human again. And I know that sounds kind of weird, but it's like I've allowed myself to cry and I've healed a lot of these traumas and I've I just feel like I'm coming home to myself. You know? Like, I feel like I'm learning who I am and what I like and and what my personality really is. Because after being in for so long, I mean, I'm sure you guys know, like, it kind of defines who you are if you live this life every day. And you kind of forget, like, what you actually like.
Amber Donnelly [:Like, I know I forgot, like, who I was. I forgot, like, what I like. Like, do I even like green? I don't know. I'm just gonna wear it every day. Do I even like using these terms or joking around in this dark way? Like
Kim [:And how did that all come about? Where did you get therapy? How did you come around?
Amber Donnelly [:I was married to this guy. His name is Joel, and I was married to him for 7 years, and he's an alcoholic. And he was very abusive. He was very emotionally and verbally and borderline physically abusive to myself and my son. And my son's 18 now. I've been pretty much a single mom his whole life. And I think because of my past and because of some of the trauma that I've been through, I just kind of accepted it. Like, this is just how it is.
Amber Donnelly [:Listen. I'm a woman, and he's the man, and he's providing for us. And I would beg him, like, please stop drinking. Like, please stop yelling at me. Please stop yelling at Maddox. I don't like it when you treat me this way. And there were some sexual things that he would do that was very triggering for me. He would yell at me and make me feel like shit.
Amber Donnelly [:And then he would ask me to have sex with him. And I and then if I didn't, he would lay a guilt trip on me. So with someone who's been raped, like guilt trips around sex aren't really the most great thing. And so I think just being with him for 7 years, and finally, like coming into my own, I turned 40. And I just kind of woke up and was like, fuck this. Like, I'm 40 years old. I don't want to live my life this way. And there's gotta be something better.
Amber Donnelly [:Like, I'm sure being alone is better than being in this relationship. You know, this is coming from someone who is very uncomfortable being alone.
Kim [:Yeah. You had to find that self love.
Amber Donnelly [:Right. And so I think that was kind of, like, the catalyst that finally spurred me to, like, I moved to Sedona. I sold my house and moved to Sedona. And, you know, I've always loved Sedona. I always felt like there was this energy there. And this is healing energy. And I heard all about all these different kind of therapies. They're like, holistic kind of, like, woo woo crystal liquor shit, you know, that I didn't believe in in the military.
Amber Donnelly [:But now I'm like, dude, I'm willing to do whatever. See, I have I have a rock in my hand right now. I can hold on to my rock.
Kim [:Oh, yeah. She really does have a rock in her hand.
Amber Donnelly [:I do. I always carry my little rock with me, and I actually have a bag of rocks that I carry in my purse. It's like little crystals.
Kim [:We all have our own healing journey.
Amber Donnelly [:Totally. Whatever works for you. Totally. And some people may not believe in it, but it's like, if it works for you, fucking do it. Who cares? Yeah. So I moved to Sedona and I never looked back. And I just, you know, I had kind of a toxic boyfriend while I was there that I didn't realize what was going on with him. He was a covert narcissist.
Amber Donnelly [:He was here in bed with me and kinda moved with me there. And, man, that was unhealthy. And I think it was, like, the final, like, straw for me. The universe was like, here, you didn't get it last time. Here's 1 more for you. And so I was like, okay, enough is enough time to love me. And I just kind of went on this like, binge of like, healing. And I hired a bunch of people.
Amber Donnelly [:I went to this retreat and I went to a bunch of retreats. I went to the Road Warrior Foundation retreat, the motorcycles, and I went to the 1 that you guys kinda sent me to with Dakota. That was really amazing. I got so much healing from that retreat.
Kim [:The Operation Red Wings?
Amber Donnelly [:Yes. Project Red Wings Foundation, I think it's called. Amazing. Lindsay was so freaking cool. All those Mimi. I got so much out of that 1, and then I just kind of got addicted to it. And I was like, well, I'm gonna do this 1. I'm gonna do that 1.
Amber Donnelly [:And I got on with the Road Warrior Foundation, and I was organizing my own ride. So I organized the first all female veteran ride with the Road Warrior Foundation, which does adventure therapy for veterans.
Dakota [:That's so amazing.
Kim [:Talk about how healing that felt for you.
Amber Donnelly [:Well, I didn't get to go on a ride because my sister got cancer and my son needed this emergency eye surgery, and I I didn't end up going. But it felt really good to, like, say to them, hey. The reason that a lot of females don't wanna go on your adventure trips is because you're a bunch of dudes. And a lot of females, let's be honest, like, have sexual trauma from the military. I mean, 1 in I think 2 in 3 women have been raped in the military Correct. Or sexually assaulted. So it's like when there's all these dudes reaching out, a lot of women don't wanna have any part of it. They don't feel safe.
Amber Donnelly [:They don't feel heard. They don't wanna go back and be in that environment, and they don't wanna deal with it. And so I said, you know, if you guys want a more female friendly environment with your organization, like, you're probably gonna need to get a woman on your board. So they're like, yeah. You're right. That's really a good idea. And so they're like, which do you wanna do it? And so, you know, I was like, sure. Yeah.
Amber Donnelly [:I love motorcycles. I mean, I've been riding motorcycles for 17 years.
Kim [:It's like that fell in your lap. You got to use your voice
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah.
Kim [:And help create a space for for military women.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. It was cool. And so even though I didn't get to go, I still got to see, like we organized the ride for the women, and they got to go make their own knife at this yellow ribbon forge in North Carolina. These guys, were on the show Forged in Fire. So they got to go make a knife, and they got to go on their road warrior foundation ride. And and they just looked so happy. And I I just felt so good that they all loved it. And they had fun.
Amber Donnelly [:And and it's like a confidence builder, because a lot of women don't ride motorcycles, you know, and they don't think like, oh, I can do this, but you can, like, anybody can ride motorcycles. Anyone can do anything they want. It doesn't matter if you have whatever you got between your legs.
Kim [:Right. Well, Dakota and I will join you.
Amber Donnelly [:Yeah. Oh my god. I would love that. So we're gonna have another 1 this year, and I'm going. So they'll pay for you to go get your motorcycle license. They'll send you through the class. You get your license, and then the rotary or foundation, they pay for everything for you. It's a nonprofit, so all the money is raised, and they just want what we all want.
Amber Donnelly [:All of these nonprofits, we just all want veterans to be okay. You know, we don't want more veterans committing suicide and taking their lives.
Kim [:Yeah. And we just wanna go on something that you foraged for us because that's gonna be a beautiful journey.
Amber Donnelly [:Totally. If I had you guys ride next to me, I'd just be like, yeah. I mean, we could get, like, a whole group of other friends from Oregon and just make it would be so cool. You guys would love it. It's just the camaraderie, you know, and that's what it is. It's like the camaraderie getting together and being with these other veterans that have shared experiences and especially female veterans. Like, we all know how hard it is, especially in combat MOS is to, like, prove yourself every day. Like, you have to prove yourself every day because you're female and you're automatically not as good as the males.
Amber Donnelly [:I know that's how it was in the Marine Corps. So I had to be a rock star. And I still wasn't as good. You know, and it's like, that kind of lifestyle for any number of years can make any woman feel like she's not good enough. And I think to be able to get together with other women veterans and just feel badass and powerful and just go for a little motorcycle ride, and it's very cool.
Dakota [:Yeah. So if you could give any advice to any female entering the military or already in the military, what would it be?
Amber Donnelly [:I would just say remember that you're worth it. Remember that you matter, and your voice needs to be heard. And you don't deserve to be treated like shit. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of. Women belong in the military. You belong, you matter, and love yourself. And don't ever let anyone dull your time and just stand up for yourself no matter what.
Kim [:That was beautifully said. That was beautifully said. Well, Amber, thank you so much for joining us, and thank you so much for being raw and vulnerable in telling your
Amber Donnelly [:story. Thanks for having me. I love getting together with you guys.
Kim [:We love it. Thank you for tuning into Dog Tag Diaries. We appreciate your willingness to listen and engage with these stories as we understand the challenge that comes with sharing and hearing them. Your support in witnessing the experience of our military women is invaluable. These stories are meant to inspire and provide meaning, and we hope they can help you find your own voice as well.
Dakota [:If you or anyone you know are in need of immediate help, call the crisis line by dialing 988, then press 1. There are resources available to help and provide guidance during difficult times. Please visit our website www.reveilleandretreatproject.org to learn more about the Reveille and Retreat Project, including upcoming retreats for military women and resources. The link is in the show notes. We'll be here again next Wednesday. Keep finding the hope, the healing, and the power in community.
