Shownotes
""Tolerating the tension means really being in tune with your body and your mind-body connection, taking a step back and observing what comes up." - Jenny Leckey
In this episode of Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser , Jenny dives into the concept of tolerating tension and how crucial it is for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
She discusses the importance of being in tune with your mind-body connection, and recognizing your own scale of tension levels. If you know what send you over the edge, then you can work with tension in smaller doses to build up your ability to manage those difficult emotions.
Jenny shares personal stories about her experiences with tension in building her business and provides practical examples of breaking down large tension-inducing tasks into smaller, manageable steps.
You'll learn what habit stacking is and how it can help you stop people pleasing in a more easeful way. By practicing sitting with 'mini-tensions' consistently over time, you can rewire your brain and gradually build stronger boundaries.
Jenny emphasizes that growth comes through baby steps and incremental progress, not by forcing yourself into "big tension" situations. She leaves you with options on how to get started on your people pleaser healing journey right now. Just take it one moment at a time!
Interested in being a guest on the show? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com
Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser
Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC
Transcripts
Tolerating the tension means really being in tune with your body
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:and your mind body connection, taking a
step back and observing what comes up.
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:You have your own scale of tension levels.
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:You've got a little tension, Which
is maybe feeling a little bit
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:uncomfortable But then the other
extreme is pure fear frozen in time.
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:In between there is the sliding scale of
levels of tension that you are enduring.
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:Only you can answer how much
tension is enough tension.
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:You want to be able to force yourself
out of your comfort zone a little or
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:else you'll never grow, but you don't
want it to be to the point where you
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:feel frozen and it's activating your
nervous system to the point where
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:you regress and want to crawl within
your shell and not do anything.
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:That is the subtle work finding
out how to tolerate the tension
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:and then when to ease off because
it's a little too much tension.
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:It takes baby steps in growth
and this applies to anything
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:not just people pleasing.
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:This involves any change
that you want to make.
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:I was just doing that right now as I was
planning something within my business.
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:I had a concept come across on social
media I started brainstorming ideas
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:and I started to feel really sick in my
stomach And that made me realize okay.
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:That was too far.
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:The tension was too far for me.
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:It wasn't an uncomfortable but do it way.
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:It was a oh my god.
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:I can't do this.
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:That was my warning sign that okay, you're
not quite ready for that expansive step.
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:Let's back it up and then start
with incremental little baby steps.
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:That was telling me that I
was jumping too far from
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:where I am to where I'm going.
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:So sometimes we need to
break down the tension.
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:We need to break down how far we are
pushing ourselves at any given moment.
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:But the key is to learn
how to tolerate it.
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:And the more you can sit with
uncomfortable emotions, the more it
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:becomes easier because , remember we're
observing- we're detaching ourselves
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:and looking at everything that's
happening, like our lives are in
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:a snow globe and we're observing
where we are in the scale and
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:what is causing us to go too far.
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:What element of a situation, of a
topic, of an idea, of a conversation,
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:whatever you're experiencing in
that moment, what was too far?
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:So for instance, going back to
what I was talking about, what was
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:too far was focusing on applying
my podcast to like marketing and
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:breaking it up on other platforms.
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:It was freaking me out.
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:So I was like, okay, that's a sign
that I'm getting too far ahead.
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:It doesn't mean I'm not going to do it.
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:And I will push myself out of my comfort
zone, but maybe I need to focus on a
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:little smaller of a task right now.
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:So what is it that sends
you too far over the edge?
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:where you are to the edge.
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:How can you break that up
into little baby steps?
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:How can you break that up into
little mini tension situations,
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:little tension experiences?
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:What I mean by that is say
you're people pleasing.
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:You always people please your boss and
your boss is always dumping a bunch
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:of work on you that is not part of
your job title and you don't have time
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:for, but you don't know how to say no.
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:Going from Doing everything your
boss asks of with a smile, even
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:though inside you're dying.
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:To, no, I cannot do that, you
need to give it to someone else.
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:That is a huge tension jump holy shit.
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:No.
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:Your body's gonna go into freeze mode.
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:That's not happening.
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:But, to get from where you are to
there, cause that's the end goal,
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:is to be able to hold that boundary.
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:How can you break that up into
little practices of mini tensions?
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:Maybe when your boss comes in and
asks you to do that, you just focus
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:on for today, I'm not going to give my
fake smile, I'm just going to have a
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:neutral look on my face when I say yes.
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:That's tension because you
know we communicate our
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:emotions with our face, right?
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:So that is a tension, that is a
little bit uncomfortable feeling, but
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:it's not No, I'm not gonna do this.
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:Go find someone else to do it.
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:Why are you always asking me?"
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:It's not confronting it, right?
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:Maybe you just focus on the
facial expression for a week
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:or two until that feels okay.
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:Like you're not going to love
it at first, but it feels okay.
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:You don't feel like you're
dying inside, right?
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:You don't feel sick.
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:I'm laughing because I've gone through
all this and I still go through this.
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:Trust me.
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:This is laughing out of empathy.
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:Okay.
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:I'm laughing at myself.
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:Another example could be
pausing before you say yes.
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:I'm guessing, because this is what I
would do is, someone asked me to do it.
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:Oh sure, I can do it.
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:Yeah, I can do that.
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:Maybe it's pausing.
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:So they ask, okay, I need you to do this.
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:Adding that pause before you respond.
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:and learn to respond and not just react.
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:Adding that pause where
you observe yourself in the
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:situation and then responding.
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:Another example could
be your tone of voice.
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:So right now I'm talking like
this, but when I go into the people
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:pleasing mode, one thing I've noticed
about myself is my voice gets high.
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:Oh yeah, I can do that.
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:I can do that.
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:And then in my mind, I'm
like, what are you doing?
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:So my little tension step could be
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:if I hear myself doing that,
or I know it's coming, people
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:pleasing is coming to the surface.
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:Even if I start, Oh yeah, I can do that.
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:I can do that for you.
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:Even if it sounds like you're half
singing, lowering the tone of your
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:voice in that conversation, that can be
your little tension that you tolerate.
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:And this is where we
get into habit stacking.
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:So maybe one week, It's
facial expression neutral.
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:That's become a norm.
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:Now you know whenever your face
is neutral, now you're also
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:going to pause before responding.
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:You practice that
combination for a few weeks.
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:Then, maybe a month later, you're
keeping your face neutral, you're
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:pausing before responding, and now
you're going to stack on the tone
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:of voice lowering, the intonation,
not going so high, staying neutral.
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:Eventually this becomes your norm
and they don't cause you tension
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:anymore because you've rewired your
brain for this to be a new habit.
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:This is just your new way of being.
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:Notice that I'm saying
that this is over time.
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:Notice this is not a"fix
this in three days" thing.
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:You're going to backpedal if you
force yourself into the deep end.
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:We are doing baby steps here.
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:This is how we grow.
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:This is literally how your
brain forms new neural pathways
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:by repetitive action over time.
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:So where can you start today?
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:What is the first thing
you can begin with?
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:Where can you begin?
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:with one little baby tension step that
you tolerate over and over with multiple
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:exposures until your nervous system
doesn't freak out about it, until it
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:feels like it's become a part of you.
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:Gradually things will change and you'll
look back six months, a year from
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:now and realize how far you've come.
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:You'll realize, Holy crap,
I don't do that anymore.
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:Holy crap.
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:That just came out of my mouth.
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:I just spoke up for myself.
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:Oh my goodness.
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:Me from two years ago would never
have thought to say those things.
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:How did I even get here?
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:And it's all from those little
tolerating the tension moments.
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:So give it a try and let me
know how it goes for you.
