Today, we’re talking about having better conversations with your teens and tweens. How can you continue to feel connected to your kid during this time when it’s so easy to drift apart?

I know that you don’t want your relationship to be adversarial and to feel really disconnected, but this often happens in the middle school and high school years. 

You end up talking about school, chores, grades, their attitude…and the ways they’re not measuring up. You’re not sure how to set limits and follow through with appropriate consequences, so you’re constantly reminding them of things they need to do. And this nagging and criticism creates a lot of disconnection. 

So when you have only a limited amount of time to talk with your teen or tween, how do you want to spend it? 

In this episode, I’ll walk you through four different types of conversations to check in, get to know your kid, connect with them in a deeper way and hold them accountable when they mess up. 

And even though I’m focusing on teens and tweens, these four conversation types are important for all ages and relationships. You can adapt them for your younger kids, too. 

4 Types of Conversations to Have With Your Teen or Tween

The Casual Conversation 

I like to call this the “shoot the shit” conversation, talking about regular, everyday things. 

There are no expectations or agendas. You’re just getting to know your kid - what’s on their mind, what they’re interested in, etc. Engage with them and get a peek into their world. Just keep it light, like how it feels to hang out and chat with a friend.

If they brush you off, don’t give up. Don’t make it mean anything. Just keep trying and be a regular human being with your kids. 

The Curiosity Conversation

Remember how you could watch your kids for hours when they were first learning to walk and talk? Big developmental milestones are still happening in your teen, but they’re internal. 

Our kids have things in their heads that we don’t know are in there. Curiosity can coax some of it out.

The approach is less, “I’m going to teach you something,” and more about figuring out what they know. What are they learning and thinking and doing and planning?

Your teen or tween actually does want to talk about what they are thinking and feeling. They just don't want to be told what to think or feel, so you have to leave your agenda at the door. Often, they’ll even start the conversation. You just have to recognize the cues. 

A couple of warnings…

#1: The topics your kid is interested in might be boring to you.

#2: They might say things that surprise (or alarm) you. Remember, they’re trying on different ideas as they continue to grow, mature and create their identity. 

Set boundaries or politely end the conversation if you need to. You can say "I love talking about things with you, but I'm not open to this conversation right now."

If you want to build more connection and warmth between you and your kid, these conversations are how you get it. Get curious, ask questions, let your kids tell you what they know and what they think. 

The Connection Conversation

These are a little bit deeper. Here, you get to learn more about the emotional life of your child. 

Your teen or your tween desperately wants to feel safe with you. They want to feel seen and soothed by you and secure in your relationship. 

They also don’t really want you to know all of that. They don't like the vulnerability of still being a kid. They want to act older, show up differently, be mature and not really need their parents. 

So, while your kid really wants to have these conversations with you, it’s also really difficult and uncomfortable to talk about hard things and be that vulnerable.

As the parent, you can provide the opportunity for them to share those hard things with you, but you might need to be a little stealthy and they’ll participate when they’re feeling really, really safe. You can start a conversation by simply narrating what you see (e.g. you’re quiet today, you’re complaining quite a bit today) without any snark or assumption. Then ask, “I wonder if there’s something on your mind?” or, “are you feeling frustrated?”

Whether or not they choose to engage in the conversation with you has very little to do with you, and a lot to do with how much vulnerability they can tolerate in the moment. Either way, they will see that you are holding that space for them and are there to listen. 

Sometimes, these conversations are completely silent. I call this quiet compassion, and it is often enough. You can recognize that they are hurting, connect with that situation and feeling and move into a compassionate place all in your own mind. You will soften toward your kid, and they’ll feel that safety and connection with you.

The Correction Conversation

Correction is what needs to happen when your teen or tween messes up (because they will). How do you handle it when they don’t keep a limit you set? 

In a correction conversation, you pull back some freedom from your kid and give them responsibility to build trust. The goal is to communicate this without breaking the relationship.

Our tendency is often to go into a big lecture, but the truth is, that’s not going to help. 

Instead, just tell them the consequence and let them have a big feeling cycle about it. That’s it. If they want more explanation, you can give it once everyone is calm. If things get heated, take a break.

This is a huge part of what we talk about in The Emotionally Healthy Middle Schooler and The Emotionally Healthy Teen courses. I’d love to help you have more of these quality conversations with your teen or tween, so be sure to check out the courses and sign up if you want all the coaching, scripts, conversation starters, workbook and support that come along with it. 

No matter the age of your kids, I hope you have some beautiful conversations with them this week.

You’ll Learn:

• Why your kid spends so much time in their room (it’s not usually about you)
• 4 types of conversations you should be having with your teen or tween
• How to have better quality conversations with your kid
• Scripts and prompts for each type of conversation

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your

host, darling Childress. And today, I'm gonna talk about having

better conversations with your teens and tweens.

I know that as a parent of teenagers and

someone who's worked with middle schoolers and raised middle schoolers

and raised high schoolers. I know that You

don't want your relationship to be adversarial and

to feel really disconnected, but it can happen

when you're raising middle schoolers and high schoolers

where you end up having conversations that are just about,

you know, school chores,

grades, how, you know, how their attitude, things like that,

all the ways that they're sort of not measuring up. And I said

this to a client this week on one of my coaching calls. I said imagine

that you have only 17 minutes.

available to you to talk with your middle schooler. I

was like, how how much time would you wanna spend on

the dishwasher? And she was like, none.

Right? But yet, we sort of end

up nagging our kids and hovering over them and

creating a lot of disconnection because we

don't have good boundaries. We don't know how to set limits with them. And

we end up in this conversation about reminding them

and criticizing and complaining about their behavior and their

attitude. And it takes up it sucks up all

of the literal time that you have to

talk with your teen or tween. It's like they only have a certain amount of

bandwidth. that they wanna connect with you. And

if you spend that time talking

about you know, things that they're uninterested in and ways that

they aren't measuring up and the ways that they're not, you know, showing up the

way you want them to. you're not gonna create more, like,

goodwill between you. They're gonna wanna spend less time with you.

It's different. Then when they're little, and all they wanna do

and I mean, little from, like, 2 to 10 or 2 to 11, where all

they wanna do is talk, talk, talk, and be around you all the

time. As they get older and they go into middle school

and high school, kids do need to spend a lot more time in their

rooms. Like, They just do because they have this developmental

job of creating their identity. And when they are

with you, it is hard for them. to separate and figure out who they are.

So one of the reasons that they spend so much time in their room is

because they need to be alone. and be with their peers and

figure out who they are. So they don't really end up spending a lot of

time talking to you. So in the emotionally healthy

middle schooler and the emotionally healthy teen class, I actually go through and

teach how to set limits and how to follow through on consequences.

in so that you don't have to spend so much time reminding, reminding,

reminding. And a big part of limits, whether you have

a, you know, elementary school, little kid, or middle school or a high

schooler is you set up your limit, you let them fail, and then

you have a consequence. Right? That's the limit correct model.

So with your your teens and tweens, you know, you

set your limits and then you let them fail. You don't stand over

them reminding reminding reminding. which is cool because

it's frustrating and scary because you don't know if they're gonna do it and you

don't know how to handle it if they don't do it and all of this

stuff. and that's what you learn in the class. But what is amazing is

when you set really good limits, you end up

having a lot more time for

Like, sometimes they call them shoot the shit conversations, but really

just casual conversations. So I wanted to talk about

the 4 -- types of conversations that you're gonna

have with your teen and tween. And then, give you

some examples and then, of course, invite you to sign up for the

emotionally healthy middle schooler or emotionally healthy teen class.

If you're watching this as the, you know, watching this. This is

a podcast. If you're listening to this podcast, as it comes out,

then, you know, the the date that the classes start is the week

September 18 2023. if you're listening to this

later, there's always a new class coming so you can just check out on

the website, come on the coaching dot com and find out about the class.

So I'm not gonna talk about limits and consequences in

this episode. I'm gonna talk about the 4 types of conversations.

As as I get into it, I want to say that you

can adapt these types of conversations with your

little ones. With your and I say little ones because I have older kids.

Like, a nine year old does not feel like a little one. I know that.

But with any any age person, really any age

person, we wanna have these types of conversations with. So

I love categorizing, as you all know, and so these are the types of cat

cat conversations that we have with kids and particularly teens and

twins. So the first one is a

casual conversation. I'm gonna go back and define these. So you can

have a casual conversation. And that is just talking about

regular old things. Okay? The second type of conversation

is curiosity conversation. This is how I

think of teachable moments and,

teaching things. I think about we teach them through curiosity.

So, you know, a teachable conversation is what you might think

of this as like a, you know, that's what I'm calling a curiosity conversation.

So we have, so far, casual conversations, curious conversations.

Then we have connection conversations. These are a little bit deeper. It's a little

bit more about the emotional life of your

child. So the connection conversation is,

is a type of conversation. And then the last one is a correction

conversation, and that is when your kid doesn't keep the limit. You need

to follow through with a a consequence, a correction

where you know, you have a short and sweet conversation about the

consequence. Now I'm gonna give you an

overview and some examples of each of these. I'm not gonna deep dive in each

because each one could probably be its own podcast episode, but

I wanted to help you kind of grow

your awareness around how to talk to your teen or

tween or even talk to your kid. Like, how to

have better quality conversations with them.

I think that over time, I've really perfected this with my kids and really learned

how to

pull out all the nitty gritty from them, like, all the goo and

all the conversations and all the things. and and it really is sort of

this art of conversation. that I wanna help you

with. And you can use it at any age, but, of course, I'm been thinking

about middle schoolers and high schoolers because that class is coming up. So that's why

I wanted to talk about it today. Alright. So

casual conversation. Okay. Like I said, I think of these as, like, a

shoot the shit conversation, and we

need to be able to have time and

energy and capacity in a relationship to just

have regular con the conversations. So a

casual conversation is just about things

that your kid is interested in. Like,

I don't know who they are, what they're what what's on their

mind. And it's not like Oh, I'm

gonna teach you about sex. So I'm gonna find out everything you know about sex.

Right? That would be a curiosity conversation, which I'll talk about in a minute.

This is literally just like, hi.

What's on your mind? Who are you? Like, we're just gonna have a casual

shoot the shit conversation. So in in a

casual conversation, I want you to have absolutely no

expectations. You cannot have a hidden agenda. If they start to sniff out

that you're, like, about to teach them about something, they're gonna clam up

immediately. So little kids tend to not do this as much.

they don't tend to clam up as much. They tend to stay,

like, they want they wanna keep talking. Right? So, like, they and they also aren't

all about nuance. They can't really tell that you're, like, sneakily gonna also teach

them something, but a teen or a tween 100%

can. So You have you can't have

any agenda. And then I like to also give

you the premise of, like, imagine having

a conversation with a friend. Like, just, you know, when you

guys just talk on the phone and you're like, hey. You know, how's how are

things going on? Like, what are you guys doing this summer, or how was summer,

or did you see this movie or whatever? Like, what questions would

you ask? And how would you respond? If you asked your friend a

question and they seemed uninterested, Would you keep talking

about it? Like, no. Right? If they stayed, if

they were, like, indifferent or you kinda read the energy, then you would just kind

of adapt to that conversation. And a lot of times with

kids, we sort of bulldoze our way through. We're not a

We're not attuned, what we call attuned. We're not connected and

really looking for the the dance in that relationship

and in that station. And you do have the skill to do this. You do

this all the time with your friends. So I'm not saying, oh, go be

friends with your kids, but bring in that casual,

you know, hangout feel with your friends. Bring that with your

kids. So here are some conversation starters

that I like,

especially with with kids who are in middle school and high school.

Like, what are your favorite TikToks or memes? Like, when you're

on TikTok, what do you look at, or when you're, you know, snap chatting with

your friends? Like, what do you guys send each other? That is such an opening

to a conversation that is really interesting.

another one is, like, is there anything you've been wanting to buy? Forget?

Like, your kids are over there, like, online shopping or looking up stuff or

they're thinking about things. You know, you can ask them. Hey.

I've is there anything, like, you've been curious about getting, like, for your room or,

like, new new clothes or shoes or whatever?

I don't wanna advocate advocate consumerism, but

people oftentimes have things that are on their mind. Like, oh, yeah. I was thinking

about getting like, a new, you know, a new desk lamp or

something, like, whatever's on their mind. Another

conversation starter, can you play me the song that you've been on having on

replay repeat lately? Which is like, what are you gonna listening to? What

kind of music have you been going listening to? You can ask

them, like, if you could go out to eat and get any type of food,

like, what would you get right now? It doesn't mean you're going out to eat,

but I'm just curious. Like, What would you get for dinner tonight if you could

pick anything? What type of food is your favorite? Or oh,

the dog did something super funny. I wanna show you, or did you hear what

happened in the news? or I'm obsessed with this new,

you know, this new app or this new thing. Like, have you

heard of it? You can talk about, like, hey. I've been

thinking about, you know, winter break. I was wondering, like, what are your thoughts about

it? You know, is there any place you wanna go, especially as they get older?

They might have thoughts and and ideas. what kind

of YouTube videos have you been watching? You'd be like, I need some ideas. I

don't know what to What to do? I just listened to this,

this podcast episode with Kristen Bell, the actress. And she

said, she turns to her husband often, and she's like, what should I Google?

so, you know, kind of being like, I don't know. What what should I look

up on YouTube? What do you guys do? What are you looking up? Right? I

need some ideas. Or, You

know, I'm going with my friend, like, to do this this weekend.

Like, what do you have planned? Especially as they get into teenagers and they really

have their own plans. Thinking about seeing this movie. Would you

wanna see it? Do you wanna make cookies with me? Do you wanna go for

a walk with me? And we just have no expectations.

No agenda. We're just adding them to a conversation, we're

truly just casual. Right? Keep

trying. Don't give up when they brush you off. Don't

make it mean anything. Just, you know,

be like a human being with your kids. That's what I'm offering.

The next type of conversation is a curiosity conversation.

I love curiosity conversations. These also

have to be agendas. Like, You know,

you can't come at it like, oh, I'm gonna have a whole big old

conversation and teach them about sex right now. I'm gonna have a big conversation and

teach them about fentanyl or drugs or, you

know, positive self self esteem or something like

that. You can't come at these conversations from,

like, you know, I'm going to teach you

something. But this is a really good way to

find out what your team knows. what your

teen or tween is thinking about. They're,

you know, how they how what they understand. I remember

The first time a curiosity conversation came to me was actually when Lincoln was

around 7 or 8. And he said to me, oh, I know where

babies come from. And I was like, oh, you

do? Tell me. And he said, yeah. They

come from a virus. And I was like, oh, a

virus. And I started to think, like, what does he

mean by that? And then I said to him, do you mean a fetus

And he was like, yeah. And it made me

realize that, like, there's things that he has in his head

that I don't know are in there. And I wanna get a

little curious to try to coax those out. Right?

So instead of coming at any of these

these conversations from I'm gonna teach you something. I

want you to really more think about, like, Where are they? What

are they already thinking about? What do they already know?

How to get into into the mode of curiosity is really kind

of activating, like, how you felt when they were really

little and they were learning to walk and talk and eat and

play and, like, pass all those early milestones and, like, remembering

how you could watch them for hours. So you're teen is

actually going through some big developmental milestones in your tween as

well. And but the difference is these changes, they're internal.

So we wanna be curious as curious as we were in the when they were

doing those milestones when they were little. Wanna be as curious about them

now. Right? What are they learning and thinking and doing and planning?

Your teen and your twin, they actually do want to talk

about the thoughts in their head. with a trusted adult. They want

to be able to express their thoughts and work through emotions and try

on new ideas. They just don't wanna be told

what to think or feel. They wanna show you what they are thinking and

feeling. So a lot of times teens and tweens, they'll

actually start these conversations. There was something

that's on their mind. And that's the best scenario. So be

looking for cues, like, when they when they

start saying, like, oh, you know, have you ever heard of

this? Like, You know, I remember one

time I was driving with Sawyer

and I was driving. And I said to him, He we saw these fancy

cars and I he he was like, I would never spend money on a fancy

car. And I was like, oh, really? What would you spend money

on? If you wouldn't buy a fancy car, like, what would be worth it to

you? And he goes, Grylls from my teeth?

I nearly lost my mind. I was like, woah. Wow.

That's interesting that that's on your mind. Grills.

Like, never in a 100 years would I have thought that that was something in

his head. So I love being curious and

asking questions instead of just talking, talking,

talking. Just parents spend so much time talking. and very little

time listening. So let me give you a

caveat real quick is that sometimes

the conversations that your kids bring up might be really boring for you.

Like, I am sort of, like, really uninterested in the

protein density of beef bone broth versus pea

protein. Okay. Like, that's a topic my kid is really interested

in. Just like when they were little, they were really in BayBlades

and Linde and Jago and, you know, whatever. And even

earlier, Thomas and all the characters in cars movie,

And we need to show interest because we wanna

be curious about our humans. And so, yeah, they might be boring, and you can

put some boundaries if you get bored. But in general, being

open to these kinds of conversations will help

build more connection between you and build more warmth and

more all the things you want when they're older,

this is how you get it. This is how you get a kid who wants

to call you and talk to you about stuff. because you've established a

relationship where they can, where they can talk to you about what's on their

mind. Now sometimes they might bring stuff up on their

mind that is, like, Wow. You think that, like,

especially I'm raising boys, men, and

sometimes they have opinions about chivalry

or you know, women, and it can be

a little alarming, or that, you know, they say extreme

things. It's really important to sort of stay

in the place of like, oh, they're exploring an idea. They're

thinking about something. This is not a

fixed mindset because they're young. They're

still growing and maturing and developing and creating an identity.

So they try on different ideas. And they they

try them out on you. And so, yes, you wanna be honest

about how You're what, you know, what you're thinking,

but you don't need to get alarmed. So I'm just warning you that some

of these conversations are boring, and some of them are alarming.

Now if your kid is really kinda like saying something that's really getting under

your skin, you can't stay calm and be curious. You

can say, I love talking about things with

you, but I'm not open to this conversation right now.

And you can just stop. But we wanna say it in a polite way. We

wanna set a boundary that's, like, loving and firm.

So other conversation starters or, Our

like, one of my favorites is to say,

you know, my like, when I was in middle school, kids used to

do this. Do they still do that? It doesn't even have to

be a true thing that you actually ever did in middle school, but you're kind

of like digging in a little bit to find out

what kids are doing and what they're thinking. Like, when I was in

middle school, kids used to smoke in the in the parking lot.

Do they still smoke? Do middle school or smoke? Have you ever seen anybody

vaping at school? I'm just curious. Right? So we're just, like,

getting curious or, you know, in high school,

like, Do do people have, like,

serious relationships in high school? What do you think about that? You know, are

people having sex? Do you know anybody who's having sex?

just say it. Right? It's a it's like, you'll you'll get a

lot of information. If you get curious.

Sometimes I'll say like, oh, I read this article about

about vaping. And I was just wondering, like, what are your thoughts about it? Like,

what do you think about vaping? So I'll pick, like, a hot button topic that

maybe I do wanna kind of, you

know, find out where they stand on it. Like, You know,

what do you think? Do you think you should be, like, the the, you know,

marijuana should still be illegal or not? Like,

you can just Get curious. You ask these open ended questions,

but don't come from an agenda. I

like, the phrase, like, I heard that at another school,

like, another middle school, kids are doing this. Like, do they do that at

your school? Or, you know, I heard that at the high school,

they're doing this. Do they do that in a middle school? Yeah. You're

just asking these conversation starters, these open questions.

I love playing dumb. Like, I don't know

anything about, like, you

know, Google chats, like, how people talk to

each other. Can you tell me about it, especially if I've heard that,

you know, Kids are being solicited or if

you're worried about predators or, you know, like online predators

or you heard something that your friend told you about.

grooming, you know, online grooming.

It's like, you know what? I I've I've heard that, like, sometimes

people show up in, like, snap chats and you can't tell how old they

are. Is that true? What are your thoughts about

that? How do you know if somebody is a is a real person in a

chat or, like, a fake person because I saw this article about,

somebody who thought they were talking to someone who's fifteen, but it turned out they

were, like, 45, like, so old.

So you're playing a little bit of d dumb. You're bringing in examples,

and you're just kind of asking them questions, and that is to get

curious. And Let them tell you what they know. Let

them tell you what they think. And then leave it.

Don't you don't take the bait. Don't start lecturing. Just kind of

Take it as information, and then it can help you figure out

if you need more screen time limits. Do you need to Talk to them

about online safety? Do you need to have other types of

conversations? so get the facts through curiosity.

Connection is another type of conversation, and this is a little bit

deeper. So if you notice there's, like, you have the

casual ones that just, like, on the office. We're not getting too

deep. We're just trying to, like, connect with them about, like, regular

stuff. Then you have curiosity. Maybe it's a little bit more about, like,

hot button issues or hot topic issues. And then we

have connection conversations, and this is yet another level because

it's acts actually connecting to a little more vulnerability within

your child. So your teen or your

tween They desperately want to

feel safe with their parents. They wanna feel

seen by you, and they wanna feel soothed

and secure, but they don't want you to know that.

They don't like the vulnerability of

being a kid still. They really

wanna act older and show up differently and be mature and

sort of, quote unquote, not need their parents. That's part of their

separation. But as a as a species, we're not supposed to be

completely independent. We're we're supposed to be interdependent. We're supposed to be

connected and support each other emotionally.

And, you know, in in another ways. So

Your your team, they do want to have these conversations with you,

but they don't it's very difficult for them because they can feel really vulnerable.

when they're having them, when they're talking about hard things, like a

a kid they like that doesn't like them back or a teacher that's really

mean. or a struggle they're having in school or a conflict they're

having with their other parent or, you know, an insecurity

about their body image. These are things that are on their

mind. These are these are emotions that are coming up and really negative thoughts

that they have, and they don't know what to do with them.

And so we wanna give them the opportunity that

to to share that stuff with us. But

in They'll only do it when they're feeling really, really safe.

So how do, like, start a conversation, a connection

conversation? Is you know, say your

teen is, you know, looking like they've had a hard day.

Something you you can see based on their their behavior or they're

shutting you out or, you know, they're grumpy or something like that,

or they're quiet, they're reserved. Right? You can come in and

say, I noticed you're kinda quiet today. I wonder if there's something on

your mind. Or

you're complaining quite a bit today. Are you feeling fresh about something?

So notice that these are really direct questions. They're not

assumptions. Like, oh, I know you're mad. I can tell.

or jeez. Hard day. there's no

snark in it. There's no kind of passive aggressive observation.

There's no assumption. It's not and and and the questions aren't vague. Like, what's

going on with you? It's really direct. Like,

I noticed you're kinda quiet. I wonder if you if there's something on your mind

or, you know, you're complaining a lot. Are you feeling frustrated? Is there

more to this than just you know, annoyance.

Now if your kid starts to open up to you, great.

Right? It's if not, that's also great. You

don't need to get a conversation here in

order for this to quote, unquote work. All you're doing in

this conversation is creating, like,

a bridge. Like, hey. I'm right here. If you

I'm here. I can hold this space for you. I can listen.

Now if you haven't had a relationship with your kid where you where they

do feel like they can talk to you about things without being judged or criticized,

are you freaking out or you making it about you, then they're not

gonna connect with you. And that that means you need to do repair

and, It doesn't necessarily mean you need to redo repair, but if

you have had a history with your kids that is, like,

somewhat, or you know that you

created some disconnection between you and your child over the years,

and they don't you don't feel close. Like, they don't feel safe with you, then,

it would probably be good for you to sign up for the class, and we

can talk about that and talk about how to do repair. But

for the most part, If your team connects, great. If they

don't, great. We're just communicating. We are

here. So sometimes you have to be, you

know, a little stealth with the connection, right, because when you're kid,

if you're, like, saying, like, oh, or something on your mind,

It is as if you have stripped them naked and they're standing

in front of their whole school showing their entire body. Like, that's

how vulnerable they feel if they've been caught

with an emotion. They don't want anyone

to to see them as struggling because they think that's being babyish.

They don't want their parent to, like, help them because they don't wanna be

seen as, like, a baby. They they but they want to

be soothed. They just don't wanna want it. So

they when they receive your empathy, They

might reject it in order to protect their self-concept.

So it's it's kinda hard to tell. Like, are they not talking to me because

of their own issues or they could not talking to me because of our

relationship? Like, is it did I create this disconnection?

So if if you want help with that, like, join the class or just sign

up for a consult, and I'll help you kind of figure out what happened in

your history, and then we can help figure out where your routine or your tween

is right now. So your

teens acceptance or their rejection of

your connection. It has very little to do with you. It has a

lot to do with how much vulnerability they can tolerate in that

moment. So sometimes I teach that we can

have connection conversations that are silent.

I call it quiet compassion. So

compassion is really seeing the world from someone else's lens and

then connecting with the emotion that they might be feeling. That's the

whole connection tool. Right? So when your team, like, they

gets they get cut from the team or a relationship ends or they

don't pass the permit test or they has a they have a huge zit. or

they get a low grade or they don't get invited to something.

They are suffering, and they want someone to

see them but they also want it to be a little bit private.

So they want you to know that they're hurting, but they don't necessarily want you

to say. I see your hurting. So they want you

to recognize and acknowledge their suffering without saying it out

loud. It sometimes they cannot handle

the words, but they do want your eyeballs on them. They

do wanna feel like you're paying attention. So just

narrating the situation and the naming the emotions in your

mind, it allows this softening between you and

your teen or tween. it sounds

crazy, but it is actually true that when you

move into a compassionate place with another person.

They then feel that connection with you, and they feel that

safety. because they can tell that you're no longer judging them

even if you don't say anything. Isn't that cool?

So those those are the 3 main conversations I wanted to talk about today. The

the casual conversation, the shoot the shit type of conversation,

the curiosity conversation, like, kinda, like, you know,

stealthily asking them, like, what they know a topic, like a hot

button topic, kinda coming around from the backside of it.

And then a connection conversation really creating space for

them to talk about, their feelings. Now the

more casual conversations you have and the more

curiosity conversations you have, the more

connection conversations you will create.

So they do build upon each other. We have to be able to just be

casual. You don't go right to, like, you know, a

person that you haven't felt safe or you felt judged by and, you know, feels

like they're always criticizing you. You don't go right in and show your

vulnerability to them. Like, nobody does that. So your teenager's

not gonna do that, but they will over time if you develop a

rapport. And that is really what we learn in

the the 2 classes, the middle school and the high school class. And I've separated

those classes purely because the topics are

very different. Like, we don't talk about, you know,

sex, like, having sex with another partner.

in the middle school class because it's really heavy, and most of you won't be

there yet. but, you know, we might talk about vaping in

both, but we probably wouldn't talk about, like, drugs in the middle school

class. So the the different the conversations are different, and I don't

I want to be able to let everybody feel really safe to talk about hard

things. Mhmm. But in essentially, the topics are the same.

We're talking about what's normal at this age, what is developmental,

and how can you Support your kid during this time, and then how

do you set limits and boundaries? What do they look like as they get

older? So that's what we're talking about. And the

last type of conversation is a correction conversation, and it really

is how do you handle it when your

teen messes up or when your twin messes up

because they are going to. And so what do you do and how

do you tell them without breaking your relationship. And and that's

a that's a skill, and that's a major part of

the of the class. So I'm not gonna go into correction conversations right now. But,

essentially, a con correction conversations are when

you need to, pull back some freedom from your

teen or from your tween. and give them more responsibility or

build up trust with them. So when you have a

conversation, when they have, you know, blown it, Our tendency is to go

into a big lecture mode and have a big huge conversation with them and,

like, lay it all out and make sure they understand how serious it is.

And the truth is that's not gonna help. Like, lecturing,

explaining, none of that is important because as soon as you tell your

child or your teen, or between that they're gonna lose a privilege,

that's all they're focused on. They're not listening to you anymore. So whenever

you have a consequence, You're gonna just tell them the consequence, and then you're gonna

let them have a big feeling cycle, and that's it. And then if they want

more explanation, you can do it once everybody is

calm. So if they act really upset

when you're trying to give them a consequence, you can say, hey. I see you're

real upset. I don't want this conversation to become too confrontational.

Let's talk again in a bit. Let's take a break.

Right? So I I kinda go through and how teach you how to have those

conversations with your teens and your tweens and your

middle schoolers. So these these conversations, like I

said, are I I focused on middle and,

and high school high schoolers, but The truth is I

I always want you to be cat you know, talking talking about stuff with your

little ones and your middle schoolers and your l I'm sorry, in your elementary schoolers.

I want you to be you know, getting to know them and being curious and

asking them questions. And I saw, you know, some some

I saw some kids Run away from the teacher today. Like, what do you think

about that? Whatever kind of thing you wanna teach them,

I want you to learn how to ask them about it first. ask them what

they think about it first. So that's the invitation. And then

the connection is basically the connection tool. As they get

bigger and older, it just looks slightly different. So the connection

tool is always hey. I see this behavior. I

wonder if you're feeling blank. That's it. That's how

compassion works. Alright. I

I love I love talking about how to

help parents of middle schoolers and high

school high schoolers. And I'm really excited about

these classes. I haven't taught a middle school only class before. This

is a new one. the team class, I just taught teens,

in the spring, and that was so great with such a wonderful group. And

they've all stayed together in the team support group because you

You sign up for the class and then you get to go to the support

group for 6 more months. So the class is 6 weeks, but then we stay

together for 6 months afterwards. and you continue to get support

and build that community and be able to talk to me. and that's just

open open support group. So it's really great. It's

$397. So it's, like, around $400. So you get the 6

week class. You get the 6 months of support. get a

whole workbook. You get access to the replays. The classes are

gonna be held. The middle school class is gonna be held on Tuesdays starting

September 19th. at 11:30 AM Pacific

time. So 2:30 Eastern, and that will run 6

weeks. And then the high school class is gonna meet on Wednesdays at 11:30.

Same time or, 11:30 AM pacific or

2:30 PM Eastern. And they run about an

hour, hour and 15. So you can hopefully, you know,

participate and and be there live. And then, of course, if you miss it,

there's a replay. And then there's a full handout, a handbook that goes

with each class. So it's really cool. I love it. I won't

be offering the classes again until the spring.

because I'm gonna do the emotionally healthy mama class in January, which

is gonna be amazing. So I'm gonna teach these classes

again probably end of February, beginning of March. So if you're

interested in helping your middle schooler or high schooler, I strongly recommend

you sign up now. And you can do that at my website,

commamacoching.com. We'll link it in the show notes.

And, Yeah. Join us. It's not a very big

group. Neither of the groups are gonna be very big. I think max ten people.

So it'll feel really intimate and you know, you'll have an opportunity

to ask me questions and things like that. Alright.

Took enough. Talked enough. I Hope you have

some beautiful conversations with your kids this week.

trying out those casual ones, trying out the you

know, curiosity conversations. And if you want all the

scripts and all of that, you have to sign up for the class because we

have that all those scripts and all those conversation starters are in the

workbook. Alright. Mamas, I hope you have

a wonderful week, and I will talk to you next