Shownotes
Welcome aboard Polyester Airlines for another trip back in time to the decade that gave us Horeshack, ABBA and Whatchamacallits for SHE'S DRESSED TO KILL starring Connie Sellecca, Jessica Walter and John Rubenstein was the NBC Monday Night Movie.
Your captain, Patrick Walsh, is waiting to whisk you away to the night of December 10, 1979 for this spine-tingling whodunnit about glamorous models at a mountaintop fashion show who are getting murdered one by one...with their own makeup!!!
- Was it the Whiskey-Guzzling Designer?
- Or her Draft-Dodging Assistant?
- Or the Queeny Critic?
- Or The Ugliest Girl in the World?
It's like Agatha Christie did a boatload of blow, and you're gonna love it.
Your copilot on this ill-advised voyage into flimsy negligées, leg of mutton sleeves and deadly hairspray is the fabulous MARTIN MCKEON.
Watch SHE'S DRESSED TO KILL on YouTube here.
She's Dressed to Kill was directed by Gus Trikonis, written by George Lefferts and stars Connie Sellecca, Jessica Walter, Eleanor Parker, John Rubenstein, Joanna Cassidy, Clive Revill, Peter Horton, Gretchen Corbett and Jonathan Banks
Mentioned in this episode:
Network Plug with music
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Transcripts
Hello everyone. Here's a little pre flight tip from your captain before you go time traveling.
This episode, the movie that we're talking about, is called She's Dressed to Kill. And while there are several copies of it available on YouTube, almost all of them are incredibly dark.
It's going to make your viewing experience very difficult. They're all lousy copies except for one. I've put a link down there in the show notes. The link down there in the show notes is the one copy.
You'll be able to see everything that you need to see in order to enjoy the movie that we're going to be talking about today. So please go use that one.
Patrick: yester Airlines flight to the:Get ready for thrills, chills and another episode of It Came from the seventies. Good evening passengers. This is your pilot, Patrick Walsh speaking.
ard Polyester Airlines Flight: ,: ,: The weather in: e be advised that in December:At this time, I am honored to introduce your co pilot for this evening. He is a Polyester Airlines veteran who's accompanied me on flight to Walnut Grove, Crowhaven Farm and even Anatevka. If I'm the captain, he's Daniil.
Welcome back, co pilot Martin McKeon. But not yet because I've just turned off the seatbelt sign. So feel free to kick off your candies and do the hustle around. The cabin.
our flight and Enjoy the year:Well, welcome back aboard co pilot Martin McKeon.
Martin:Hello, hello, hello. I'm so excited.
Patrick:As am I.
Martin:Lots to talk about, Lots to talk about.
Patrick:It's been a while since you've been here. Have you learned to fly a plane since you've been here?
Martin:Yes, I'm. I'm adept. Now get off my plane. I haven't learned anything.
Patrick:We're just hot boxing them back there. They don't know. Anyway, it's. Well, it's a delight to have you back on board our supers flight. To the past.
Martin:Thank you. Thank you.
Patrick:So how have you been? Any good news? Any fun things? Anything groovy happening?
Martin:Anything groovy happening?
Patrick:How regal is your beagle?
Martin:Well, I'm in Miami at the moment, which is pretty groovy. Not Hawaii, not Brady Hawaii, but yes.
Patrick:You just leaned to the side. I saw that very hotel looking bed. Mikey's not at home. Look at him. Look at him showing up. Oh. In this luxury suite that I'm in.
Martin:See this whole thing, darling. Unlike Regine.
Patrick:You are. You are very Regine. Oh, gosh. This comes, this movie.
Martin:Oh my God. I'm so glad I watched it. And then I was so angry I watched it.
Patrick:They're so close. They're so close. It could be good.
Martin:It could be so good. It could be so good.
Patrick:And it's just not.
Martin:Somehow it falls apart on so many levels. Like there's not. It was hard to find four things I like, three things I liked about it. It was. I was hard press. Well,.
Patrick:Co pilot Chip on his shoulders here today.
Martin:I. I wanted it to be good. I love this time period. Like when I saw Connie Sellecca's hairdo, it was very Nancy from Facts of Life. I was like, this is my girl. Like, this is like.
This is my time period. This is like 79 to 80. This is the height of fashion. I'm like Halston. I'm like. I was so excited. I'm like, her pants are skin tight.
Very Wilma Deering from Buck Rogers. It was all happening.
Patrick:Oh, yeah. And yet not happening.
Martin:Nothing happened. Then absolutely ridiculous shenanigans were happening that I'm like, wait.
Patrick: t we're talking about is this: Martin:Ooh.
Patrick:I don't know why they had different titles in the New York area, but they did. And here's the thing. Here's the history of me in this movie here in the Me. The me and this movie. And this. This. This.
This airline that we're on right now. Wait. I remember when this premiered, Martin. I was very excited. I love a murder mystery. I love an Agatha Christie. I love this sort of a thing.
And, yeah, I was very excited. And I got to watch the first hour of it. And I got sent to bed.
Martin:No.
Patrick:Yes.
Martin:That's cruel and unusual punishment.
Patrick:Well, you know. But then it was okay, because I'm like, it's okay. It's going to be run during the summer. Right.
Martin:You never knew that.
Patrick:And it did.
Martin:It did.
Patrick:And I fell asleep.
Martin:Oh, God. No. I think people don't realize about movies. Like, if you missed a movie, you couldn't just, like, stream it, rewatch it, rewind it.
Patrick:It was.
Martin:It was gone. Until if they chose to like the Star Wars Christmas Special, they never ran it again.
Patrick:It was, like, for very good reasons.
Martin:Good reasons. But once something didn't do well and they didn't want, you never saw it again.
Patrick:It was like, no, no. I mean, Maybe. Maybe in 20 years or so it'll pop up on YouTube. No, not even YouTube. I was thinking, like, it'll pop on the 430 movie.
For those of you in the New York area know what that is? It's some random. What's the word I'm looking for? Syndicated shit. Yeah. Or the USA Network. It might pop up in the usa, because I think.
I think our copy that we watched on YouTube was from the USA Network.
Martin:Oh, up all night around this year's. Is that.
Patrick:Which is why it was so dark. Anyway, it was very.
Martin:I couldn't tell him who was who. Like, was that Joanna Cassidy. Kept saying it in the credits, but I didn't know for sure.
Patrick:It was so frustrating because. Okay, this.
Martin:All right.
Patrick:I wasn't done with the trauma. I fell asleep. I had tried twice previous to this to do an episode on this movie. At both times, the plane crashed and failed. Because we failed.
We just went down.
Martin:You fell asleep at the cockpit wheel.
Patrick:No, because there's so much going on there. This movie has 15 million characters in.
Martin:It and so many subplots that don't even make sense.
Patrick:Like, so many subplots when you try to condense it all. We tried. I tried to tell the whole story, and it was just the hot mess. So we're not even Going to try to tell the whole story and I can't.
Martin:No, no, we're just gonna.
Patrick:We're gonna dance. We're gonna give you the best, we're gonna give you the worst and maybe some fun stuff in between. But try to, try to encaps.
I don't know how they encapsulated it all in an hour and 40 minutes.
Martin:It was. Yeah. Thank you.
Patrick:My personal opinion about this movie now I've watched it a few times, is that this movie needed to be on abc.
Martin:Oh, they were a little more edgy.
Patrick:This movie needed Aaron Spelling.
Martin:Oh, and Connie Sellecca from hotel fame. I'm surprised she was not on an abc. They should have, you know, picked this up.
Patrick:Well, they. Well, they didn't. Obviously they didn't. It needed. It needed Aaron Spelling and it needed more predatory lesbians.
Martin:I love that.
That was one of my like favorite things about the show that they had at least three gay characters in a prime time movie in the 70s, all villains, all. All still representation. I was still very excited to see it happen.
Patrick:Since it is tradition here, if this is. Was not your cup of tea.
There were other things on TV that night and this was up against some stiff competition because this is December, so we're up against Christmas. This was up against. On cbs we had the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
Martin:Oh, that People watch that. That's a big one.
Patrick:And it was all raggedy and Raggedy Andy Christmas special, which is. You remember being traumatic. The Santa Claus caper.
Martin:I don't remember that one exactly.
Patrick:Probably why they showed it once. But this was it.
Martin:It's in the ball. That's why. Yeah.
Patrick:And the rest of the night was mash, WKRP and Lou Grant. Those are all heavy hitters.
Martin:Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Patrick:On abc. This is funny. On ABC there was a show called 240 Robert, which I have no recollection whatsoever.
Apparently it was about the LA Sheriff's Department and how they rescue people, specifically with helicopters and 4x4 vehicles. Very CB radio type thing is that. But here's the thing that's funny about it.
First of all, it started a baby Mark Harmon, which is cool, but it also started Joanna Cassidy who's on this.
Martin:Network at the exact Joanna versus Joanna, Kramer versus Kramer.
Patrick:Well, she didn't survive this one, so maybe she did better on 240roberts. Spoil everybody and you're on an NPC. The it was only the lead up. This is the 9 o' clock movie.
But coming up, 8 o' clock lead in our favorite Little House of the Prairie, that's why. Yeah, but this is what I love. This is what I love about the 70s movie.
We went from the wholesome world of Little House of the Prairie to this murderous, murderous, murder. And like the most sexist, awful, serious, racist.
Martin:It was everything. Homophobic, you name it, everything.
Patrick:But. But it sounded like a great episode because it was the one where they got. Where they got.
Martin:Damn, I think I missed that one.
Patrick:Well, they got telephones and Mrs. Olsen was eavesdropping on everybody and spreading because of course she was. I would too. Are you kidding me?
Martin: I would: Patrick:Are you crazy? You made me the operator, you idiot.
Martin:Lars Miller's what In debt.
Patrick:All right, listeners, true confession right now. I chipped my tooth the other day. I haven't been able to get to the dentist, and I can't get an appointment till Wednesday.
So I don't know how pain right now, and I'm a painkiller. So we're. It's very 70s. I'm on quails right now. You gotta do what you gotta do to get to this movie, because this movie is. It's. It's. It's.
It's a frustrating film. Martin, please, if you can give me the basic plot of. Of. Of She's Dressed to Kill.
Martin:It's almost like a Ten little. In like a Ten Little Indians rip off. So like an Agatha Christie Ten Little Indians.
It's this modeling agency and they go to this fashion designer's house on top of a mountain, and only gondola can take you up and down. They have this fashion show. There's a whole bunch of people invited, and the gondola breaks. But even before.
And so, like, they're all there and they're getting picked off one by one, and we don't know who the killer is. It could be one of them. It could be an outside person. And, you know, eventually you find out who the killer is, but you're kind of like, wait, what?
Patrick:It's a classic setup that they fuck up royally on every possible level. And yet it's also brilliant at the same time.
Martin:Yes, it was a good idea. I mean, the idea. I could see it on paper. It's kind of a cool.
Patrick:On paper. And the fact that it was much easier with the other title. If I just asked you, what's the plot of someone who's killing the world's greatest models?
You can say, well, someone's killing the world's greatest models. And that would be enough
Martin:And that would be a lie. Because Joanna Cassidy was not the world at that point. She was like 50. Not 50, but she was not.
Patrick:Honey, she stumbled. She stumbled during the fashion show and they left it in. She straight up tripped and left it in. Do you know how many takes they.
Martin:Had to do even get that one?
Patrick:No, I, I let, I let it slide outside. Whatever. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. We suspend your disbelief.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:We're also supposed to believe that this is the world's greatest fashion designer. We have to get.
Martin:Okay, a lot of, lot of suspension.
Patrick:This, this mo. A mid show fashion show. Like we. The, the action stops dead for a fashion show. And it's not even good. It's not even bad. It's just awful.
Anyway, we're not there yet. When I started watching this movie as an adult, I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.
Because the models are getting murdered by their makeup, which is so,.
Martin:So ridiculous.
Patrick:No, it's wonderfully campy.
Martin:It's.
Patrick:What do I mean? What do I. When they're being murdered by the makeup, what do I mean, Martin?
Martin:So before they even leave for the trip, one of the models tries on his lipsticks. Ooh, it tastes bitter.
Marissa:Ooh, that is awful.
Assorted Old Dudes:It's strawberry.
Marissa:Oh, tastes more like bitter bitter almonds or something. Oh, check the box they just came in today.
Martin:It's supposed to be strawberry. And then all of a sudden, like they're talking to her and she's just kind of sitting there like stone faced because she's dead now.
Marissa:Marissa, my darling, what is all this about refusing to do Regine Danton's show? You've worked here long enough to know that no one refuses a job unless they're dying. Marissa. Marissa. I want an answer. Marissa.
Patrick:Marissa.
Martin:There's arsenic in the lip gloss.
Patrick:Cyanide. Thank you. Enough cyanide.
Martin:Cyanide. Sorry.
Patrick:Enough cyanide to down an elephant. Martin?
Martin:Yes. This is the lip gloss that came in the mail?
Irene:Yes, it's in it. What's wrong with the lip gloss?
Assorted Old Dudes:Well, nothing, except it contains enough cyanide to take out the Bears backfield.
Martin:Not a 40 year old model. These models are not spring chickens. I was like, especially models, like 18, 19. These women were like well into menopause.
Patrick:Well, it's also the 70s, honey. So it's all smoking and saccharine. So cocaine. They've seen some. And if you're a model and you're doing a ABC movie of the week, it's a step down.
You're at the end of your career. Anyway, please continue.
Martin:Oh, well. So the very beginning is Kanye Salica is this young spray candy. We can't find candy. She's got it doing her hair. It's nerve gas.
Alan:G4 type 2.
Assorted Old Dudes:The army code for nerve gas.
Alan:First Marissa with a lip gloss and now Candy with a hairspray.
Patrick:Nerve gas in the hairspray.
Patrick:Come on.
Patrick:This is. This should be hilarious. And it's just not. Yeah, this should be gay heaven. And it's just not. Except what it is. What it is, it really is.
And when it's not, it's really not.
Martin:Like it was. It was. It was a smart idea, you know, but it just like.
Patrick:But they didn't follow through on it.
Martin:No, that was it. And then that was only two got killed by the makeup. Then it was like just random people. And then like, men were being killed.
Like, the designer Tony gets killed. And just. It just gets off. It just. Yeah, yeah.
Patrick:It wanders off. Yeah. We started filling running time. Because the other thing is that this is when the last we met, we were doing a movie from the early seventies.
We did Crow Haven Farm. Back then they were ninety minutes. And when. Ninety minutes. That was ninety minutes with commercials with an hour and ten minutes.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:But by this time, we're getting greedy and they're trying to fill two hour slots in this movie's padded. Pat it, pat it, pat it, pat it bad. With lots of things that just don't need to be there. Pattyman, Patty.
And something shouldn't be there that are fabulous. But that's not the point right now. This is directed by a guy named Gus Draconis.
Gus Draconis, as an actor, was in the original west side Story movie, which I think is pretty cool.
Martin:Ooh.
Patrick:He was a dancer.
Martin:Shark or a jet. Do we know?
Patrick:I don't know. With a name like Droconus, I'm guessing he's probably a shark. But then again, everybody was white. That bad makeup, who knows, who knows, who knows?
No one will ever know. And I don't care. I don't care that much. He came from the wonderful world of exploitation films. 70S exploitation films.
He did a movie called Super Cock. It's about a cock fighting. It's about a chicken. It's about a chicken. And it started Nancy Kwan of Oriental Pearl Queen fame.
Martin:Never. She fell so low. From Susie Wong. You may know me from the world of Susie Wong. Flower Jump Song, and Super Cock.
Patrick:Yep. Yeah. So he did that. He did. He did something called the swinging Barmaids, the student Bodies.
Martin:I think I saw that.
Patrick:I don't think that's the right name for the movie. It says the horror starring Richard Crown. I don't think that's the right name of the movie. So I'm going to skip that.
s. I think even though it's a: It's the: Martin:No.
Patrick:Shut up. Blair versus Joanie in a Twirl off to the death.
Martin:Oh, I, I, My money's on Blair.
Patrick:I think they both lose. And I think somebody. No, I think somebody else wins because they got their friendship back or something. I don't care. Who gives a, who gives a.
It sounds fabulous. And it was written by a guy named George Lefferts. Two time Emmy Wimmer. Wimmer. George Winner.
Wouldn't know for this, for something for the life called the Life of Benjamin Franklin. But lots of stuff I didn't recognize. Most of the stuff was before the 70s, which means it matter here.
And the only 70s thing that he did that I recognized was the TV movie Bud and Lou about Abbott and Costello, which was terrible. It had Harvey Corman and Buddy Hackett. It was their real life, which is depressing. And they hated each other.
I didn't want to sit through that for two hours. Made me laugh.
Martin:Monkey.
Patrick:One of the problems that I have with this movie is that it's all focused in the wrong spots. Like we, we started, you mentioned we started with Connie. Who's Connie Sellecca. I mean, who is Connie Sellecca as a person?
Martin:She's like a huge like TV person. She was in hotels. She was in like TV movies all the time. She became like a big household name. Like everybody knew my mom. Oh, she's beautiful.
Like, like, yeah, my mom.
Patrick:She's our greatest American hero.
Martin:Oh, yes. Yeah. So everybody knew her. She was like a household name.
Patrick:Pretty much a movie that we'll be covering here eventually here at some point. The Bermuda Depths where she was the mysterious Jenny. That's what she's like.
She's like the weird ghosty girl who's connected to a giant turtle and it's really weird.
Martin:Oh my God.
Patrick:I remember that movie.
Martin:I thought I dreamt that.
Patrick:I thought that was fake.
Martin:That's a real movie.
Patrick:No, it's a real movie. It's a real movie.
Martin:It kind of scared me as a kid.
Patrick:Yeah, it's a scary movie.
Martin:It's a real movie.
Patrick:It's a real movie and it's. It's oddly beautiful. Now it doesn't feel like a TV movie at all. I just watch it. It doesn't make any sense. The best thing about me. We're off topic.
Off topic. But that's this movie. That's this movie. Can't stay on top of Guy.
Martin:Thank you for mentioning that. I have to go watch that.
Patrick:The Bermuda Depth. I'll send it to you. The Bermuda Depth. They did a contract with the same special effects people who did Godzilla.
Martin:That's why it's a little scary, I guess.
Patrick:And it's also produced by the people, Rank and Basque, who did all the stop motion Christmas.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Cartoons and stuff. In the middle of it, all of a sudden you have these Godzilla special effects. Like this doesn't sit anything. But I don't care. We're all cocaine.
It's fine. Okay, so that's kind of something.
I mean, the movie opens with Connie Sellecca and you think, oh, we're going to follow Connie Sellecca through this movie. And then she doesn't get developed at all. She's kind of the star, but we don't know anything about her.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:And people that are the most interesting by far are Regine.
Regine:Now we must all try to be gay and forget the tragedy.
Martin:Oh, yeah.
Patrick:The fashion designer and Jessica Walters.
Martin:Yeah.
Irene:Jacques, Irene. I'll be brief, my love. As far as the Barton Agency is concerned, you no longer, longer exist. None of my models will ever work for you again.
You're out of the business, darling.
Patrick:Yeah. Jessica Walters and, oh, Regine.
Martin:She's an old time actress. Right.
Patrick:Jessica Walters and Eleanor Parker. They know exactly what movie they're in.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:And they are serving it. They are having a ball like.
Martin:Darling, how are you? Oh, darling. And oh, she's terrible. It was very tongue in cheek.
Regine:Irene, you look ravishing, darling.
Irene:So do you.
Patrick:And the fun thing is that Eleanor Parker and Jessica Walker Walters were together before on a TV movie. The tv, which we covered here on the show already.
They were both in Home for the Holidays with Sally Field, which is when the whole bunch of sisters that came home to deal with their ailing father over Christmas and someone starts murdering them with a pitchfork.
Martin:Holy cow.
Patrick:Jessica Walters was the drunk in this one. They switched roles.
Martin:Like Betty White and Rumatina had in bed.
Patrick:These two are crackling. They are serving ridiculous. And Eleanor Parker is doing an incredible Tallulah Bankhead impression which is delicious to watch.
She is chewing all the scenery. There is not A piece of fake, fake scenery that does not have her teeth marks in it. And nobody is coming close to that.
Nobody is matching that energy. Except for Jessica Walter, who's serving. Who's serving Stone cold bitch in the most delicious way.
Martin:Yes. Agreed. Those two are like the highlight of the entire thing whenever they're in the scene. Like, yes, finally. More please.
Patrick:But we're not focusing on them. Instead, we're focusing on this awful love relationship between John Rubenstein.
Martin:What a ghoulish, disgusting. Like, everybody's being murdered and let's fall in love. Like, it's ridiculous. It is. I was like, this is. How could you be thinking about like.
I think you proposed to her, you met her a day ago and you're gonna get fucking. So I'm freaking married.
Patrick:We could all be dead tomorrow. We could all be dead tomorrow. Let's get married tonight to the ugliest.
Martin:Girl on the mountain.
Patrick:She's the ugliest girl in the world according to this mov. We have to come back to that. She's.
Martin:She's not even ugly.
Patrick:I was like, so mean. This love story hinges on the fact that she's the ugliest girl ever. All anybody does is talk about how ugly she is. And she's not ugly.
We're talking about Gretchen Corbin. She used to be on the Rockford File. She's lovely. She's a lovely young woman. And all people do is about what an ugly cow she is.
So I don't buy anything that's happening. This whole movie's a lie.
Martin:So ugly.
Like, before we even meet her, before we get her, like before she arrives, like, oh, she's bringing the rich Texas girl woman and her ugly daughter are coming. It's like that's she's. She's preface before you can see her as the ugly daughter.
Alix:And who's the woman with the rocks on her chest?
Camille:Oh, that one. That's Deani Gooch. Her husband practically owns Texas. She was one of Regine's big customers years ago.
Alix:What about the girl with her?
Camille:Oh, the plain looking one? That's Deanie's daughter, Laura. She's reputed to have been hatched from an ostrich egg. Oh, no, no, that's terrible. She's purely a nice girl.
She's just trying to be made into a flaming beauty by Deanie.
Alix:Poor kid. She looks sad.
Camille:She is. Wouldn't you be?
Martin:Then she comes in and she just has a dowdy face. But she's not. She's a pretty woman. Like, it's ridiculous. Ridiculous. And. But they fall in love, which is disgusting.
Patrick:They didn't put glasses on her. They didn't put her in a ponytail.
Martin:No glasses. And ponyt. At least a pony. Like, at least the pony.
Patrick:Come on, Dowdy overalls, some shit. Nothing. They did nothing to ugly this girl up. And Martin, this is something that. It's just. It's so stupid. So the two.
We're focusing on them falling in love and they're boring. These characters are the least interesting people on the planet. I don't buy her being ugly.
And I don't trust him because he's set up at the beginning as a gross woman.
Irene:I've warned you before, Alan. Stay away from my girls.
Alan:What's the matter? You jealous?
Irene:Cute. Alan, very cute. I just don't want them moping around threatening to quit my agency because the great Alan Lenz has broken their hearts.
Alan:Oh, Irene.
Irene:I mean it, darling. One more time and you're out on your rear.
Patrick:He's fucked everybody on this mountain. And now he's coming off the one. The one easy mark. It feels gross.
Martin:I thought. I thought for sure, oh, she's an easy mark because she's ugly. He's gonna get with this one.
Patrick:We're all gonna die. I fucked. I fucked everybody else.
Martin:And then he got weird.
Patrick:Everybody else.
Martin:There's like one scene where he got intense and I'm like, maybe he's the killer. I thought for a second, like, because he got really weird with her one time. Like, oh, maybe it.
Laura:Were you very close to Irene?
Alan:Yes. I never realized how much she meant to me. But I was also very close to him.
Patrick:Marissa.
Marissa:And.
Patrick:And Candy and Jackie and Camille.
Marissa:And now I'm very close to you. I'm not gonna be killed. How can you be sure of that? Only the beautiful women are getting killed.
Martin:And I also think they kept Connie Sellecca a little bit Alix a little bit weird because she could be the killer because she doesn't like kung fu. And I'm like, maybe it's her. Maybe she's Kung Fu Connie.
Patrick:Yeah, we got Kung Fu K. We'll come back to all that. Who's John Rubenstein?
Martin:He was the original Pippin.
Patrick:He sure was.
Martin:Everyone has their season. Everyone has their.
Patrick:I'm gonna be fitting as many Pippin quotes into this as I possibly can.
Martin:Please do.
Patrick:Yeah, he was. He's. He's the original Pippin on Broadway. But he's a TV staple. Yeah, made for TV movies, the 70s.
He was in the Howling, in the woods with Barbara Eden. Something evil with Sandy. Not Sandy Dennis. Sandy. Yes, Eddie Dennis. I get Sandy Dennis. And Sandy Duncan.
He was in the car, which I just watched the other night. And he was also in Kyle Richards.
Martin:Right?
Patrick:And Kim Richards.
Martin:And Kim.
Patrick:Yeah. And he was on. He was. He was the head of the Wolfram at heart on angel in the 90s. He's in the Buffyverse.
Martin:Very cool.
Patrick:And since I judge people in the 70s on their camp. No, no, no. The important things. I judge them on how many. How many fantasy hours of Love Boats they did.
So he did two Fantasy Islands, four Love Boats, and one Murder She Wrote. So that's pretty high camp.
Martin:That's a lot.
Patrick:That's pretty high camp for John Rubenstein. He was getting.
My dear friend and co hosted over on Demi Wonka Lewis has really woken me up to visual storytelling, how filmmakers will tell stories without words. And what was cracking me up is they kept doing this to. To Laura Gooch. The other girl's name is a Laura Gooch. Come on. Come on.
Martin:I went back and read the cast list. I know who I was talking about. I was like, laura Gooch. I'm like, no, please, no.
Patrick:Get her a Dr. Pepper. Are we doing any mame? What's happening? Twice. Twice they have her.
They have a shot of her sitting on the staircase, where she shot behind the bars of the staircase. And another one where she's sitting on the. On the walking path. On the. On the cliff of the mountain.
Martin:Get a kiss to the bars.
Patrick:Hold on. Well, she's behind the bars. So literally, they're putting her in prison. I'm an ugly girl prison. I'm trapped in the prison of my own ugliness.
Off movie.
Martin:And he liberates her.
Patrick:I liberated you from your ugly prison. Let my people go. It's so stupid.
Martin:But then at the end, he says something about her money. He's like, oh, I'm marrying a rich heiress.
Patrick:I was like, dude, whatever. We jumped in.
Martin:Whatever.
Patrick:It's fine. It's fine, it's fine. Just halfway there. I do like to set this somewhat so you can just walk me through the opening.
Like this opening scene with Connie and. And John Rubenstein.
Martin:Oh, yes.
Patrick:It really does set the tone for the show.
Martin:So she's. It's like a photographer and a model, and she's in a Morticia Adams chair, like those wicker chairs in the 70s at a potted plant.
And he's like, taking a picture, and she keeps putting her hand on her face. Like, take your hand from your face and she'll take the hand Away and put it back. It's like, no, hand away from your face.
And she'll take the hand away, and he's like, turn back to the left side. And she'll turn back to the right side. She just was absolutely unwatchable. It was so annoying. She basically was terrible.
Alan:Well, you're moving around too much now. Okay, just hold one position. When you like it.
Alan:Just.
Alan:Okay, cheer up now.
Alan:Here I am. Okay, I've gotten about 800 pictures of your fingers now.
Alan:Could you get them away from your face?
Alan:No, turn back the other way. I got my lights over there for you. Okay, this won't be too much longer.
Alan:Okay, look at me here.
Alan:No, no hand.
Alan:Only eyes. I want to see eyes and no hands. All right, now give me your eyes. You keep looking down. All right, look, don't try to see me through here.
Alan:Just try to cheer up.
Alan:Really cheer up a little bit. You look. You look glum.
Alan:No, turn back the other way.
Alan:That's where I have you lit.
Alan:Thank you. Could you bring your hair back out in front?
Alan:That looked really nice, the hair there.
Alan:That's good. All right, good.
Alan:Get your hand out of the shot. I don't like your hand.
Alan:I mean, it's a pretty hand, but.
Alan:Where are you going?
Alan:I'm sorry, Miss. Goldman. Alix Goldman.
Alan:This is a little difficult for me.
Alan:To say to you.
Alan:What you have here is a rather.
Alan:Important opportunity in your life. I don't know how you did it, but you walked in off the street and you talked Irene Barton. Did you know that Irene Barton was.
Alan:The toughest agent in the business?
Alan:You knew that? Well, somehow you talked her into giving her this modeling test. And quite frankly, you're very pretty and.
Alan:You're trying very hard, but you're blowing it.
Martin:After maybe, like, five minutes of him being like, don't put your hands up. And she keeps doing it. He's like, you know what? I'm done. Yeah, I don't blame him. He's like, yours is not working now.
Alan:That's very good.
Alan:That's very good.
Alan:Get out of the potted tree there.
Alan:Don't want to be Sheena of the jungle. Okay, that's good.
Alan:That's good.
Alan:Well, no, hold still, hold still. Listen, I'm not really getting anything very good here.
Alan:Why don't I just print what I.
Alan:Have and show it to Irene?
Patrick:Okay, I really have to stop now.
Martin:So what she does then is. No, no, I want to. I really need this. I need this. He's like, no, I'm sorry. So she karate chops him now. That's very good. That's very good.
Patrick:Get out of the potted tree there.
Alan:Don't want to be Sheena of the jungle. Okay, okay.
Alan:That's good. That's good.
Alan:Well, no, wholesale. Wholesale. Listen, I'm not really getting anything very good here.
Alan:Why don't I just print what I.
Alan:Have and show it to Irene? Okay, I really have to stop now.
Alix:I'm very sorry, Mr. Lenz. I'd really like to try a few more. You don't understand. This is very important to me.
Alan:I'm sure it is.
Alix:All my life, all I've ever dreamed about was becoming a model.
Alan:Yeah, you and about a thousand other girls. Look, we've done everything we can, I think for the afternoon.
Alan:I have another engagement which is going.
Alan:To start in about half an hour.
Alan:There's nothing. What are you doing?
Alix:You want energy, right?
Alan:Yeah, but I don't want to be raped.
Alix:I'm a brown belt. Karate. If I wanted, I could snap your arm.
Alan:I believe you.
Alan:You know what? I think you might have some. Something there.
Martin:I like throws him to the ground and like sits on him and is like, you're going to take more pictures? And then of course he's like, oh, yeah, baby.
Patrick:No, what he said was, I don't want to be raped. Yeah, but I don't want to be raped.
Martin:I forgot the mountain. That was. That was interesting.
Patrick:I'm saving myself for the ugliest girl on the mountain. No.
Marissa:Yeah.
Patrick:And then she just. She starts to showing off her kung fu skills and that. She's. He's like, oh, wait, this is good. This is good.
Now all of a sudden she's gonna be a famous model.
Martin:Yeah. And of course Irene loves those pictures.
Patrick:And the phone is my new protege. When they show the pictures that they. On the. Like on the. On the one sheet that. That Irene is looking at. They're not the pictures that they took.
Martin:She's like, thank you.
Patrick:Martin's posing. For those who are listening, turn into the left one. Kung fu arm. It's really stupid. It's really stupid.
Martin:Terrible.
Patrick:Yeah. They went up making out and it' on the floor. It's gross.
Alan:You really something, you know that?
Alix:Do I look good?
Alan:Look fantastic.
Alix:I was warned that you come on to all your models.
Alan:Only the good ones.
Martin:Oh, weird.
Patrick:But it just set the tone of. Of.
Martin:Of him being a womanizer. He's. He gets all the models and, and you know everybody. Yeah, he keeps dating them.
And she even says him, if you date them, the model, I'm not using you anymore, you know, like you're done in my agency. So, like, he's. That's why he dates the ugly girl? Because he doesn't want to get fired? Who knows?
Patrick:Because all the pretty ones are dead. All the pretty ones are dead. I might as well have you now.
Martin:Well, she had that fantasy. She says in one of her things, I wish all the pretty girls were dead when I was younger and that I could just be a row full of ugly women like me.
Laura:When I was a teenager, I used to have fantasies that all the beauties would get wiped off the face of the earth. Earth. And the only ones left would be us plain ones with. With pimples and flat chests. Crazy.
Patrick:I'd be the prettiest ugly girl on the mountain. I'd still be the ugliest girl. Ridiculous. Yeah. All this. It's so icky.
And then we spend the first to have the first quarter of the movie following Connie's journey to be a model, becoming an Irene, whatever she's doing, like,.
Martin:You know, Runway walks and how to do her makeup and how to do her hair and.
Alix:Well, thanks anyway, but I'm being transformed, whatever that means. Well, that's no small potatoes, you know,.
Alan:That's like having your virginity restored. Where's Ms. J?
Patrick:Where's Ms. J? Where is Ms. J?
Assorted Old Dudes:Now we'll walk for an hour.
Alix:Oh, I don't have that much energy. Honey.
Assorted Old Dudes:A model is on her feet for.
Assorted Old Dudes:14 Hours a day.
Assorted Old Dudes:You want to be a model, walk.
Patrick:And we don't need to see any of this because none of it matters. It's all filler and what it's. They do a lot of my. My fear of this.
I know they try to pack in as many people as they can on contract into these things because they don't have to pay them anymore because they're already on contract to be in these movies. So they just overload casts like this. And there are people who don't need to be here.
Like, this is guy who's teaching her how to put on makeup, and all she's doing is not putting mascara on one eye over and over.
She can't actually put on mascara because then she's gonna actually fuck up her makeup, and they're gonna have to redo her makeup so she can't actually do anything. So I know It's a catch 22, but he's like, yeah, more of that. Do more of that.
Assorted Old Dudes:Nice. Very nice. That's it.
Assorted Old Dudes:What?
Assorted Old Dudes:Ice. Catch on fast.
Assorted Old Dudes:Try a little more.
Assorted Old Dudes:That's it.
Assorted Old Dudes:Very good, Alix. Very good. Now try a little more of that. That's it.
Patrick:More of that thing on your right eye that you've been doing for two minutes. Keep putting more. More mascara on that one.
Patrick:Connie.
Patrick:In these opening segments, she really comes off as a real twat. Yeah, I just kind of like her.
Martin:No, you don't like her. That's why I was like, maybe they're trying to make her like us, think she's the word.
Like she's crazy or weird because she won't talk about her past or like, you know, you don't know much about her. But we keep seeing her. It's like she's our main character. But, like, we don't know jack about her. We don't know what's going on.
Like, what's happening here.
Patrick:Yeah, the little glimpses that we get, like, there's nothing going on in her head. She comes off as a real idiot. But Jessica Walter asked her, why do.
Irene:You want to be a model?
Patrick:And she said,
Alix:well, it seems exciting.
Alix:And it pays well.
Patrick:Yeah, well, it sounds interesting. And it pays well. Yeah, no passion, no drive, no nothing. And then later on, she's talking to one of the models and she's like.
When she's talking to Joanna Cassidy, she's like, well, it was an active school, and that was, like, really hard. And this just seemed easier.
Martin:Easier.
Alix:I've always wanted to do this. Always wanted to be a model.
I tried speech and drama at nyu, but I figured out that it's easier to make a buck modeling than it is fending off all those assistant directors,.
Martin:Joanna Cassidy's like, leave this business, girl.
Patrick:So we have no, no stakes. It's the way she gets in. Is that so? And now we're introduced to Reggie. Tell me about Ray. I'm sorry. Tell me about Regine.
You have to get that at the beginning because she always does that. She just gives that French regime.
Martin:So she's kind of like a. Has been like the Gloria Vanderbilt type. She was this big fashion designer. And then she.
Patrick:Little Gloria, happy at last. Different TV movie. Please continue.
Martin:And then she, I guess, has become a drunk and, like, hasn't had a collection in a long time. And she decides she's going to relaunch herself. She has a whole new collection. It's a fabulous darling. But she wants all of her old models.
She doesn't want any new models, just her favorite five models she always, always uses, which I had a problem with the names. Kate, Camille, Candy. Like, they're all like. It's all the same name. Like, I couldn't keep them straight because it's like.
Patrick:Like all models matter. We don't meet any of them. We spent no time with them. They're. They're there to die. They're there to walk around in ugly clothes and die.
Martin:I think Candy had, like, a line like, where's the bathroom? We're like.
Patrick:That was Candy's model, you know, that's. Can't Candy always take a nose Candy?
Martin:Nose Candy, yeah. It was basically like she wants only her old models. But of course, that one model dies from a. You know, the gloss being poisoned, which.
Patrick:Opens the door for Kung Fu Connie.
Martin:Yes. And, oh, I have a new protege here. And Regine totally snubs her. It was really good.
Regine:Camille.
Regine:Camille. Hello.
Regine:Hello. All my favorite models. Jacqueline, Arcade, Candy. All my favorite models. Oh, I feel as if my family is together again after all these years.
Where's Marissa?
Irene:Marissa couldn't make it. Regine.
Regine:Oh, no, nothing serious, I hope. Well, we can discuss it later,
Irene:Alix.
In the meantime, I have brought my newest protege, Alix Goldman. Alix, Madame Regine. Nice to meet you.
Regine:So nice to meet you. Welcome, everyone.
Martin:She's like. Oh, like, walks away.
Patrick:Everything out of her mouth is so gold. This phone call between Jessica, Walter and Regine, where we meet, where we're meeting Regine for the first time is so good. It's so.
I'd be playing all the audio. That's all of. It's delicious. Because she is really all about. But I've decided to restore elegance.
Martin:Yeah. To fashion. To fashion.
Patrick:It's always elegance.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:Welcome to the renaissance of elegance.
Irene:Regine, darling, how are you? Well, I thought you died up on that mountaintop.
Regine:My big comeback, darling. I have been working on a new collection and is finally ready.
I'm so tired of blue jeans and peasant blouses. I have decided to restore elegance to the world of fashion, darling. Now, what I want is all of my old favorites.
Kate, Candy, Marissa, Jacqueline and Camille. Now, the showing will be completely private. Just a few of the top buyers and editors. Oh, well, Victor, of course.
It's difficult, but he is the most important columnist in the fashion world.
Irene:Oh, Regine. How exciting. Designed a new collection.
Alan:I hear she can't even stand up.
Irene:I'm sorry, darling. I was talking to Alan Lenz. You remember Alan?
He's always falling in love with one of my top models.
Regine:Irene, you will get them for me. All my favorites for old times sake.
Irene:Well, Camille hasn't been working lately, but I think I can find her now.
I'll supply the makeup and the hair people, darling. But it won't be cheap. Au regime. It's wonderful to know that you're coming back to the rag business. You always were the reigning queen.
Well, I'll speak to you later about the details. Au revoir, Sherry.
Patrick:And she's a dragon lady. She is a 100 dragon. She's got the three foot long cigarette holder, gigantic tumblr booze, and if you don't get the tease alcoholic.
After she hangs the phone with Jessica Walter, we have a nice tight close up of her drinking out of this tumbler with both hands with this audible glug, glug, glug. I tired of blue jeans and peasant blouses.
Martin:Boxes.
Patrick:Meanwhile, she's got. She's got. She's got an assistant.
Martin:Yes. Other woman. The old tag.
Patrick:Peter Horton for 30 Something and Children of the Corn.
Martin:Oh, yes, yes.
Patrick:Who's an up and coming fashion designer who wears beige khakis and a Gap sweater. What's happening?
Martin:And he's gay. He's not dressed like this.
Patrick:What happening?
Martin:Yeah, it's late 70s. He should be a little more. I don't know.
Patrick:You know, if we scroll back, if we had pulled the camera back, he would have been wearing boat shoes. 100. Wearing both shoes with the outfit.
Martin:But he is an out gay character I was happy about. Although he's an army deserter and a criminal and.
Patrick:Exactly.
Martin:Still he is gay.
Patrick:And it would. And it would be. And it would be fashion thief.
Martin:Exactly. Well, he did design them. I don't, I don't blame him for that.
Patrick:That.
Martin:Good point.
Patrick:Yeah. There's a whole thing where, where she, she's like. She hasn't designed the collection, he's designed the collection.
But she's not going to let him take any credit for.
Martin:She promis him credit. And then she's like, no, no one wants cares about your design. My design. Like he's all mad. Didn't get any kind of message.
Patrick:The world is waiting for Regine, not Tony Smith.
Regine:I've done it. I've done it. Irene will bring all my old mothers and Victor will come, which means everyone will come. Oh, where is Rudy with those mannequins?
This is my jacket.
Tony:I've cut it on the bias and it's sheer.
Regine:I sent a wire to that dreadful Texan and her ugly daughter.
Tony:What about the ready to wear boys?
Tony:That's Max and Marcel from Gladwick.
Patrick:Sounds like a comedy team.
Regine:It is, but they do 10 million a year in schlock.
Tony:Oh, yeah. How much do we get?
Regine:I get $25,000 for each pattern they buy. Oh, darling, it's going to be a huge success.
Madame Regine restores elegance to the world of fashion.
Tony:Oh, you aren't forgetting designs by Tony Smith, are you? I mean, I've been. I've been working on this collection day and night for months.
Regine:The world is waiting for Regine, not Tony Smith.
Tony:Are you saying you intend to take credit for my designs?
Regine:Full credit.
Tony:And if I refuse?
Regine:Oh, then I'll give you credit. Of course. Using your real name. Marvin Bullock, deserter from the United States army stockade. You really are something, Reggie.
I took you in, I hid you, I fed you, I taught you my designs. Wait, don't get it. A flap. Darling, I. I promise I'll mention your name. I mention your name. Now. Now, please stop pouting and give me a kiss.
Come on, give me a kiss.
Martin:Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
Patrick:But I love all that. This. This whole scene with him is great with her, too, because she's so excited about the collection. She's like.
She's just squirming on the desk in H poses and, like, wrapping her own scarf around her head over and over. She's just got. She's got this child who insane drunk lead to everything. That's so much fun to watch.
Martin:It's unbelievable. You like. You know this person like you.
Patrick:My mom is an alcoholic. I'm allowed to laugh at this reciped mom. I know when she was on the upswing.
But the thing that's so frustrating about this, like, okay, everything's about this fashion show. This. Everybody's coming up to this mountaintop retreat that's in Palm Spring. I mean it physically. Palm Spring. Supposed to be in Arizona.
But for this glorious fashion show. And the movie stops dead. For the fashion show. Like, we have 50,000 people show up and they try to.
Martin:Okay, only the hat. What's with the fruit basket on her head? There's like, a gondola's full of, like, what, 30 people?
Patrick:Thank you. Before we get to the fast. I mean, it's such a hurry to get to the fashion faster because it's such shit. The gondola ride is up. Is so good.
Another great scene for so many reasons. Basically because it's Joanna Cassidy reading everybody to filth in front of them.
Martin:You're in a gondola. They're right there. They hear you.
Patrick:You're in a metal box that's like 12ft wide.
Martin:That's the ugly kid. Have you met Laura? The ugly Girl.
Patrick:Oh, excuse me. I believe what she said was her face looks like she stepped in a landmine. Ding dong Patrick from the future here.
I got a little confused when I was speaking with Martin about the order of things here. Okay, first of all, Joanna Cassidy. I keep mentioning Joanna Cassidy. Joanna Cassidy plays Camille.
She's an older model, she's a little bit chubbier, she doesn't work as much anymore. She's a little bit bitter. And Joanna Cassidy, if you don't know who she is, she was in Blade Runner. She was the.
She was the lady heroine, Dolores in who Framed Roger Rabbit. She was on Six Feet under, all that stuff. She has a monologue that she gives to Kung Fu Connie where she reads everybody in the gondola to filth.
Basically introducing all the characters that we're going to need to know for this murder mystery and also reading them to film. But I got things a little out of order here because I thought she started the nasty comments about the world's ugliest girl, but she didn't.
It was Clive Revel. Cliverell, renowned New Zealand character actor. You've seen him in everything. He was in the Legend of Hill House. Buddy Lake is missing.
Zoro, the Gay Blade. If you need an upscale Britishy snobbishy cunt of a person, you cast Clyde Ravel.
Camille:That, that little creature over there talking to Irene is Victor de Stell. He's the world's number one fashion columnist. An Olympic class rat.
Alix:Ah, so I should make nice.
Camille:Well, if you get on Victor's death lift, you may as well quit the business.
Patrick:But it's actually him, not Camille, that says the savage line about the landmine. Gotta give country credit where country credit is due. Bing bong. Back to the show.
Victor:Is that Camille Betancore over there?
Victor:Her face looks as if she stepped on a landmine. Camille, darling, love you.
Patrick:Holy.
Martin:So mean, so terrible.
Patrick:But she does it to everybody. One of the models is Kate. The only model that we've spent any significant time with, even that's not much, is Kate, who's. Who's the hunter.
And yes, she's a professional hunter and a mountain climber.
Martin:An open lesbian and a big old lesbian.
Patrick:And that's basically what she says, like. Oh, her, the one with the football shoulders. Well,.
Camille:Let's see. Oh yes, that model over there with the football shoulders, that's Kate Bedford.
You know, skier, mountain climber, big game hunter and legit full time skirt chaser. So watch yourself.
Patrick:She's referred to hunter, climber and a lesbian. She did Hunting, climbing and lesbian. Lesbian.
Martin:And warrented, like, don't let her moves on you.
Patrick:And like. And what about that girl over there? She. Oh, that black girl. She's the high.
Camille:And that black girl looking out the window with the binoculars. Jacqueline's gotten the highest hourly rate ever paid to a model. She's terrific.
Patrick:Oh, the casual racism of. It's like everything out of her mouth is awful. Colleagues, they're right there.
Martin:But at least she's the highest. At least she's the highest paid model. So she. Just pay her a compliment.
Patrick:Would you remember way back, way back on old snl, there's been a segment called that Black Girl that was like Marlo Thomas. That. Made me happy. Was it on the gondola? We discovered that in the cast is the fabulous Clive Revelle, Clive Revelation, all.
If you want to feed British cunt, you can't.
Martin:Oh, yes. He was in lots and lots and lots of stuff. He was.
Patrick:Oh, he. He brought the salt. Just everything out of his mouth. Salt, Salt. It's welcome addition. He's another one who knows exactly what movie he's in.
Martin:Yes, yes.
Patrick:My final thing to round up this gondo trip where you're just trapped in this metal box with awful people is that they get stuck and fucking John Rubenstein decides, I'm gonna entertain everybody with wacky appetizer song and dance. Oh, stop. Please stop.
Martin:No.
Alan:Come on, lighten up, fellas. Hey, how about some. Some music?
Alan:I'm practically a virtuoso on the potato knish.
Alan:Watch this.
Alan:Yeah, well, this one happens to be.
Alan:A little bit out of tune.
Alan:Anybody have a chopped liver in the key of C? No.
Alan:Huh?
Alan:Well,.
Alan:Be uptight if you want to be uptight.
Alan:I personally am going to have a little more champagne.
Martin:Terrible. Oh, we meet Rudy.
Patrick:Snap. Let me plummet to my death because I don't want to sit there anymore of that.
Martin:We meet Rudy, who we think is going to be the killer because he's this mean thug. He's running the gondola and he's like. He threatens to beat someone up, right? Doesn't he try to threaten to beat someone up?
Victor:I've got an acute case of acrophobia and I'm trying to get us out of here.
Rudy:All right, Mr. Sell, just right this way.
Rudy:You just watch the first step in the gondola.
Patrick:He's always threatening to piece because it's Jonathan Banks for it's Mike from Breaking Bad. That's what he does. He just oozes villains. Yeah, he's a baby in this with long hair and big pouty lips. Look at him. Not all bald.
He's, he's still creepy. But he's not all bald and creepy. Look at him. One of the many thousands of people that are in this. Yeah, thousands. Thousands of people.
out it and I'm expecting it's: Martin:Yeah.
Regine:Welcome to Casa Regine
Assorted Old Dudes:She's as drunk as a skunk.
Regine:Welcome to the Renaissance of Elegance
Patrick:It's not even bad.
Martin:It's just boring.
Patrick:It is. It's just so incredibly unremarkable. And it's like 10 minutes of screen time even.
Martin:Oh my gosh.
Patrick:When the fashion show in the women is better than your fashion show, we got a problem because that's terrible.
Martin:Yeah. And like these long ass descriptions.
Irene:This country's most famous designer is a woman whose interests are in all the international markets of the world. This style is definitely an influence of Spain. In what regime likes to call her suit of lights, Kate Bedford shows you the two piece look.
The jacket top which is made of black and red marbleizer sequins, is totally hand embroidered. Another look at the suit of lights is this important little blazer jacket.
Jacqueline wears it over a black camisole and sleek little pads of black crepe with a tiny red satin belt.
Martin:This crepe lined chic satin beaded gown with bias cut sleeves and mutton chop legs.
Patrick:Oh, the mutton chop sleeves. Oh, your grandma, she said, she said, she said, and I quote, your grandmother will love these leg of mutton sleeves.
Irene:Your grandmother would have loved these leg of mutton sleeves. Thank you.
Patrick:I don't know what a leg of mutton sleeve is, but I'm pretty sure if you're selling it that your grandmother will love that. That that's not the height of fashion. It's doubt. Everything's dowdy looking. Everything's. It's lots of sequins.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Lots of pillbox hats.
Martin:And Joanna Cathy is in like in like a negligee at some point.
Patrick:Like she's a random negligee.
Martin:Like what is that, the Spanish number you the ugly girl is going to get to wear.
Deenie:We see you got a perfectly good body. We'll just classical fill it out a little bit. Oh, man. Just love flimsy gowns.
Patrick:And this is what confused me. We learned immediately during the fashion show that it's a flop. They like Martin said they've only sold one dress. There's that.
They're expecting most of the business to come from the. The Ready to wear people. The people who are going to buy this and turn it all into schlock.
Martin:Schlock?
Patrick:You know the stuff for. For the. For the department stores. There's the $20,000 version. And we're going to make this copy of it for the. Yeah, and they don't want anything.
Assorted Old Dudes:The styling is too complicated. And if you'll excuse me, a little old fashioned for today's market people.
Assorted Old Dudes:Today, they have no taste.
Assorted Old Dudes:They want schlock.
Regine:I'm afraid I don't design for your market, gentlemen.
Patrick:And that's where the money comes from.
Camille:Artistic triumph. Unfortunately, a commercial flop. The Ready to Wear boys yawn through the whole thing.
Alix:Does Regine know?.
Camille:Sure. She knows that.
You know that collection cost her over a hundred thousand dollars. And the only sale she made was that Spanish flour sack to the Texas lady.
Martin:Yeah, the regime.
Patrick:Which makes the whole subplot about Tony Smith being like. You didn't mention my name.
Tony:Now one word about my designs.
Regine:They came to see Regine, not Tony Smith.
Tony:You promised me
Regine:another time, Tony.
Tony:There's not going to be another time, Regine.
Patrick:Good.
Martin:Yes, good.
Patrick:Good. It's a flop. You don't want your name attached to this. Why is everybody still designed? It's a flaw flop. It is a flop. No one likes anything.
Martin:But then we find out. We forget when we find out later that they did love it. I mean they were pretending that they could get Tony to steal the patterns for them.
Victor:I'm sure you remember our two ready to wear pals, Max and Marcel.
Tony:Who could forget them?
Victor:They like the collection.
Tony:Well, they didn't buy a single item.
Victor:Why spend thousands on patterns when you.
Victor:Can knock them off for much less?
Tony:And you're the K O man.
Victor:Let's just say I'm acting as an intermediary.
Tony:Well, what do you need?
Victor:Copies of the patterns.
Tony:But how?
Victor:He was this dear boy. Five thousand bucks, huh? Cash. Plus a very nice write up in my column.
Martin:Yeah, well, suppose I refuse?
Tony:Suppose I expose you.
Victor:I'll simply deny it.
Victor:And you will be made into a factory second by my clients.
Patrick:Those gays We're all thieves.
Martin:Exactly. They had a big old conspiracy. Exactly.
Patrick:A sticky fingers.
Martin:Which leads to his demise.
Patrick:Yeah, it's.
Martin:Which is kind of another subplot. It's like have it about the design and espionage, whatever. And it's just. Yeah, crazy. And he gets caught when he's doing it too. By regime.
Patrick:Which is another Great scene. Yeah.
Martin:She's like, oh, my dear, he's murdering me.
Patrick:She does the white woman in danger routine, but drunk and over the top.
Regine:Having fun, Tony? Regine. I came upstairs for a little nightcap. Saw your flashes.
Tony:I was taking some pictures.
Regine:One in the morning.
Tony:I couldn't sleep.
Regine:Tony, darling, I've been in the rag business for a long time. I know a ripoff when I see one. Who are they for?
Tony:No one.
Regine:If you don't tell me, I'm going to expose you as a deserter.
Pretty boy like you should have an interesting time in an army statue.
Tony:Regine, I warn you.
Regine:No, I warn you, you impudent little prig. Now. Now give me that camera and tell. Tell me who's paying you. I'm through with you. Give me that camera.
Tony:I've been in bondage for you for too long. Regine, I'm finished. Do you hear me? No more.
Regine:He's trying to kill me.
Rudy:Looks like we got ourselves a little psychopathic killer here.
Regine:I. I want to put away. He's a deserter. He. He. He escaped from an army stockade. He may have killed somebody.
Patrick:She knows what movie she's in. Exactly. She sells everything she's in. I love her so much.
Martin:But yeah, fast and show was terrible. I. I was expecting a lot more like chiffon Halstony. Kind of like. Like beautiful stuff. And we got like pillbox hats and mutton sleeves.
Patrick:Whatever they are.
Martin:Exactly.
Patrick:I don't know why everything reminded me. What my brain kept saying was the suddenly Last Summer Mo music video by the motel. Everything reminded me of that. I mean, I guess.
Which is an early 80s look that was coming.
Martin:But that was the look that was considered high fashion at that moment in time. Yeah.
Patrick:As Tim Brad would say, it's all very mother of the bride.
Martin:Yes. Very mother of the bride.
Patrick:Oh, I like that one. I do. I do like. I do like ugly girls.
Marissa:Mom.
Martin:Yes. She's only like three scenes, like four lines. She and Candy.
Patrick:No, but all her lights about. Well, I'm gonna get married.
Deenie:We are all going to die. And Mama, just try to be calm. Someone is going to murder us one by one.
Martin:I wish your agent.
Patrick:Texas accent.
Deenie:Colette. Thank you. Listen, could you put Mr. Lynn's lens. Is that it? Close to us. I'd feel so much safer with a man nearby.
Patrick:Man love flimsy gowns.
Deenie:Oh, men just love flimsy gowns.
Martin:And why didn't the other people have a Texas accent? That's her mother. And they live in Texas. Why does she have like A New.
Patrick:England, because, you know, they sent her.
Martin:Away to finishing school.
Patrick:Yeah, they said they sent her to Eastland so I didn't have to look at her.
Martin:So ugly. Mrs. Garrett will take care of her.
Patrick:Put some food on your face, honey. It won't help, but we won't have to look at you directly. Yeah. So it's the fashion show. Pretty much everybody leaves. Most of 50 million people leave.
Martin:Well, also, she finds Candy dead during the fashion show. Doesn't tell anybody. Regine was like, oh, where's Candy? Why isn't she in that dress? And she's dead. And she's like, oh, like, finish the show.
Regine:Oh, Rudy, have you found Candy?
Tony:Yeah, I have. Oh, I wouldn't go in there, Ms. Denton.
Regine:Why not?
Rudy:Ms. Carol's in there.
Regine:Well, good. I've been looking everywhere for her.
Rudy:She's dead.
Close the door and lock it. She's not going to spoil my show. Amen, Ms. Den. You know, I got a record. If there's any trouble. I'm in bad shape.
Not a word, Not a word until the last guest is gone, you understand? Or you are out of a job.
Martin:Can't waste time. My favorite models. But, oh, well, one less. So doesn't Connie sadly have to wear that gown at the end?
Connie versus the Showstopper, I think, because I always thought they're trying to make it seem like she was the murderer because, like, she gets to wear the gowns. But, you know, was.
Patrick:Was there a showstopper in the bed? But no, actually, no. Since we are here. Since we're here.
I discovered as I was, you know, pulling up pictures from the movie, that model who plays Kate, she's dressed in a gown. At one point during the fashion show that was designed by the same designer who designed for Marilyn. That was a lot of that was.
I said design three times in one sense, by the same designer who made gowns for Marilyn Monroe.
Marissa:Ah.
Martin:And they don't even show it. You don't make anything out of it.
Patrick:It's never on the Runway. It's like you get 15 seconds of it. She's standing at the mirror going, is this my dress? And you know what?
A second that you see it because you're like that. I could see Marilyn Monroe. And that is a stunning dress.
Martin:And they don't even use it. Don't mention it.
Patrick:Not even feature. And the fact. The fact that they. They hired this guy to make one dress for one model who's not even featured. And you advertise the fact that back.
This was in the paper within an article saying that this is what's happening. And then you don't even showcase it. And it is stunning.
Martin:That should have been the showstopper at the end. She should have walked out in that.
Patrick:Yeah, kind of. Selica should have been it. Somebody should have been in it. Yeah, it should be featured. But it wasn't.
Martin:Anyway.
Patrick:But they're all dead now. But there's a couple of things like that that don't follow through, and I think it's just filler. There's a scene even before they go.
After the first model gets the. The cyanide on her lipstick, Jessica Walters gets a creepy phone call on her answering machine.
Assorted Old Dudes:Hello, renne
Assorted Old Dudes:Darling, Before I finish, no model in the world will work for you. You are dead. Just dead.
Assorted Old Dudes:No mother will ever work with you again.
Martin:Yes, I forgot about that, actually.
Patrick:Well, it's so early on, and even afterwards, she listens to him, says, that's funny. It sounds like. Anyway, just forget about it. Don't tell anyone.
Camille:Are you all right, Ms. Barton?
Irene:Yeah. For a moment I thought.
Camille:Any idea who that could be?
Irene:Oh, I don't know, darling. Probably some crank who read about Marissa's death in the papers.
Should we call the police? I don't think so.
Patrick:Said you forget about it later on.
Martin:Yeah, but it's so early.
Patrick:Said there's a couple of times where people could have stopped the nonsense. And they don't.
Martin:They don't.
Patrick:And they don't.
Martin:I'm calling the police.
Patrick:No, I can at least say Regine.
Martin:See?
Patrick:Regine saying, who cares about the dead girl? We got to finish the show because it's her money maker and the sh. The show must go on. The show must go on.
Martin:Yeah, I don't blame her. But still, put in a studio with Candy.
Patrick:I love that you said Candy, too, because that is the way she said. Where's Candy?
Martin:Candy.
Patrick:Where's Candy? You got your regime going well. Yeah. So the gondola can only fit so many people.
So some of the people are waiting for the second gondola when the power goes out. Now everybody's trapped.
Jacqueline:Someone is trying to kill all of us.
Camille:Hey, come on, Jacqueline, take it easy.
Victor:Where is this cable car?
Regine:There's nothing to be alarmed about. We often lose electricity during a storm. Now, be calm. It's fun.
Victor:How could we possibly become the maniac killer after us?
Rudy:Is everybody all right?
Irene:Rudy, what's wrong?
Rudy:Generator shorted out.
Rudy:It must have taken a surge from the lightning.
Irene:Can you fix it?
Rudy:Not tonight, I can't.
Alan:What does that mean that the cable car won't operate?
Rudy:Not without electricity, it won't. Oh, that's.
Regine:Everything will be back to normal. Everything will be. Be all right by tomorrow morning.
Deenie:Well, I am certainly not spending the night in this house. We're all going to be murdered in our beds.
Regine:Look, we will try to make you all as comfortable as possible. Colette will show you to your rooms.
Patrick:Right now we're in the Agatha Christy mode, of course. And immediately a storm breaks out to the lightning and thunderbo.
Martin:Yes, of course.
Patrick:Never rains. Lots of lightning, lots of thunder, no rain. And we're trying for the Agatha Christie thing and none of it's. None of it's good.
I do like when they're having the dinner scene and Clive Revell is like, I'm gonna blame you. He drinks a toast to the gawks.
Martin:Of the world and toast the ugly girl.
Patrick:I prefer my women.
Victor:Beautiful, ugly women should be destroyed at puberty.
Alan:Most of them are, by their mothers.
Alix:Do you equate beauty with happiness, Mr. Giselle?
Victor:Of course, Dear
Alan:Well, I photographed a lot of unhappy beauties.
Victor:In that case, I offer a toast to the happy gawks of this world. Really
Alan:are insufferable.
Patrick:This is all your fault.
Martin:Exactly.
Patrick:If I blame you.
Martin:If you weren't so ugly, we wouldn't be here right now know.
Patrick:And nobody defend her, not even her mother.
Martin:Her mother's not like.
Patrick:Nobody says, stop it. Nobody says, shut your mouth today. It's so awful. I love. Like.
Martin:They giggle like. Oh, like. Like regime laughs. And it just. Yeah, it was terrible.
Patrick:I wish there was more Joanna Cassidy. She almost knew what movie she was in. Yeah, she had a lot of great stuff. Like even the scene that she has with Connie Sellecca in the bedroom.
Yeah, it's a totally dumb scene. It was like, this is my suicide note. If I ever got old and ugly, it could work again. I was going to kill myself and I wrote this when I was 23. Just.
And then that note never plays in anything.
Martin:When she was. When she winds up dead, I'm like, I don't think she killed herself, but like, no, she was murdered by.
Patrick:No, but she has a couple lovely things that all models don't quit. They just wrinkle up and fade away.
Camille:Hey, we come out of this alive. Get out of the business.
Alix:Why?
Camille:Because you're looking at yourself more and more in the mirror.
Pretty soon every blemish is going to become a major tragedy. You won't even be able to go to bed without thinking about how you look.
Alix:Well, I don't care.
It's what I've wanted ever since I was a fat little teenager. Well,
Camille:I wanted that at first too. I never showed this to anybody before, but I'd like you to read it.
Alix:This is a suicide note.
Camille:Yeah, I wrote it on my 21st birthday. I decided if I ever got old and ugly looking, I'd kill myself.
Alix:Camille, you're still beautiful.
Camille:Not when the lights are working.
Well, why don't you just quit? Quit the business? Old models don't quit. They just wrinkle up and fade away.
Martin:Well, she's doing porn now, apparently. Is that what when the guy comes in, Rudy, and he's like, I recognize you from the whatever magazine?
Patrick:No, what he said was, did you know that the rooms at the Sensuous Castle have cameras have cameras in them? I mean, it's a nice body.
Marissa:Well, enjoy it while you can and then get out or I'll call regime. Okay. Now you do that and I'll show some of our guests some of your more recent pictures. What pictures?
Well, I have a friend that goes up to the Sensual Mansion. Now, I'll bet you didn't know that they hide cameras in the rooms, did you? Listen to me. I could kill you right now so you'd be nice.
Patrick:The Centuries Mansion. The center's mansion. Like, because we can't say the Playboy Mansion. So we went with the Sensuous Mansion.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:What? I can't believe they're doing pornography. What do you think?
Martin:Which is where she was in the beginning when they're trying to find her. Like, I think she's at the Sensuous Mansion. Like, we'll get her. We need her for the show. Get her out of there.
Patrick:No, you don't understand. It's in the Sensuous Mountains.
Martin:Doesn't he like the Sensuous Mansion? You know, very little imagination. What they're doing there.
Patrick:Like that just sound like breast. This is my sensuous mouth point.
Martin:The Sensuous Magic. The range.
Patrick:I ran them all over the place. I, I, There was something about, something about kind of pants in this whole second half of the movie that drove me crazy. I don't know what it was.
They're not hot pants. Okay? I feel like ski pants made me think we're at a mountain ski resort. We're not.
They're very tight to be doing kung fu moves which keeps doing show industry moves.
Martin:We see a lot of shiny like super skin type.
Patrick:But it's all camel toe. It's all camel toe.
Martin:All Day.
Patrick:It's very bad. It's very distracting.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:No, since it's more murderous and blah, blah, blah. None of it's interesting. It's all very, very silly.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:We've been saving this. I've been saving this. I get a late character showing up.
Martin:Yes. Too much. Yes.
Patrick:Oh, hooray, the cavalry's here.
Martin:Oh, yeah.
Rudy:What's going on?
Sheriff:I ain't going to be anybody unless.
Sheriff:You help me up here.
Martin:All of a sudden, on the road shuts up. Sheriff Frank Halsey. Hey, we're sure glad to see you, Sheriff.
Alan:Did you climb up here?
Sheriff:Sure did.
Alan:How is she?
Alix:She's all right. Laura. It's all right. It's the sheriff.
Sheriff:Sheriff Frank Halsey.
Laura:Oh, I was so frightened.
Alix:Did you run into Kate Bedford?
Sheriff:Yeah, she came down early this morning with a story about folks being murdered up here.
Alan:That's right. Two women were killed yesterday.
Sheriff:All right, where's the man?
Alan:Regine? She's in the house.
Alan:Probably drunk.
Sheriff:I know. I was up here a couple of.
Sheriff:Weeks ago and she said,
Alan:listen, listen,.
Alan:We're stuck up here.
Alan:Do you have a helicopter or something.
Alan:To get us down out of here?
Sheriff:I got a helicopter.
Sheriff:It wasn't available this morning, so I.
Sheriff:Had to make the hike myself. Yeah, I tell you, those mountains are so treacherous. They can cost you your life.
Patrick:And John Rubinstein says like, oh, great. Hooray, the sheriff's here. And then the men go marching out into the frame, conquering the enemy. That didn't happen.
Martin:Yeah, in our minds it did.
Patrick:In your mind and it did. And this is the thing that Martin said to me when I was talking to him last night. And it's absolutely true.
The second you lay eyes on him, you go, oh, you're the murderer. I'm sorry, I'm spoiling this 40 year old movie, but the man might as well be wearing a sign because what, what is he wearing, Martin?
Martin:A fake nose, fake mustache, like sunglasses. He just looks like someone in a disguise. And this outrageous Texas accent, which is fake as shit, which Connie Sellecca calls out to him like, get one.
You're not from Texas, are you? And he's like, don't tell anybody.
Alix:I'm like, where are you from, Sheriff?
Sheriff:Texas.
Alix:What part?
Sheriff:Abilene.
Sheriff:You ever been there?
Alix:Oh, sure. Ever been to Teddy's on South Loop?
Sheriff:No, I ain't been there.
Alix:Been to the Golden Turtle?
Sheriff:No.
Sheriff:No, I ain't been there either.
Alix:Well, why not? That's the spot.
Sheriff:Well, you see, I lived out on a ranch and we didn't get into town much? You know what I mean?
Alix:Come on, Sheriff.
You're not from Texas, are you?
Sheriff:Okay, okay, you got me. I guess I'll have to level with you. Up until seven years ago, I was a New York City detective.
Alix:So what's with the phony accent in the cowboy suit?
Sheriff:Well, I got fed up with New York and came out west. Now, if you want to get elected sheriff in Twelve Palms, Arizona, you better.
Patrick:Darn well look like a cowboy and talk like one.
Sheriff:Listen, you can do me a big favor. Don't tell anyone about this or you'll blow my whole career.
Alix:Don't worry, partner. Your secret is safe, girl.
Martin:There's a murderer loose on the mountain, and this man lied to you and lied. And you're gonna, like, trust him with your life.
Patrick:You're gonna run for sheriff in Colorado wherever the we are. You know, you need to be a real cowboy.
Martin:And she buys it, girl. Are you kidding? He's a stranger. You just met him.
Patrick:It's so ir. Much like the ugly girl who's not being u. This disguise is the worst disguise. His nose is a completely different color than the rest of his face.
This mustache is a cartoon Yosemite.
Martin:It's ridiculous. It is like, I go, I don't know who you are, but you're the murderer. Like, 100%.
Patrick:I don't know why, but it's clearly you. And again, this is a rip off. This is an Agatha Christie rip off with the detective winds up being the killer. It's a mouse.
Yeah, sorry I spoiled that, too. Fuck off. It's a thousand years old.
Martin:Yeah, if you haven't seen that by now, you have problems.
Patrick:It's coming to New York. Yeah, it's the version where they have changed murderers every night because everybody knows who the fucking murderer in the mouse strip is already.
All right, calm down. And the big, big amber vision sunglasses that he never takes off, which again, makes it really obvious that he's hiding something.
Martin:At nighttime, he's wearing them in the house. I mean, this movie is so dark you can barely see. And he's wearing sunglasses.
Patrick:This print is bad. This. This print is bad. But it's the only print that was left on YouTube, unfortunately.
Martin:That was fine. Yeah. But the outside seems much better.
Patrick:It wasn't fine, but it made it hard to see that. You know, it made it hard to see the fashion show, which also made it better because you didn't really.
Martin:Didn't miss much.
Patrick:No, no, it turns out. Well, who is he? Why is he doing this?
Martin:So we found out in the very beginning that Irene was married. The woman who owns the agency, the modern agency, Jessica Walters, married to this somebody who died in a fire.
But first she divorced him, then he dies in a fire.
Marissa:Story that he took the easy way out by committing suicide. He died in a fire. That's all I know. Yeah, he died in the fire. After she had divorced him, taken over the Age Agency and gotten all of his money.
I wouldn't know.
Martin:And so this is him. He didn't die in the fire. He found his girlfriend cheating on him. He killed them both. The house burns down. They thought it was him.
And now he's acting, reacting, revenge. Because Jessica stole the agency from him. And he down that went to the models for money. They all said no. He made them. I made them.
I started the agency and they owe me, and they didn't give it to me. And so he's killing the models and killing her because it's a grudge against them for, you know, all that. Well done.
Patrick:Well done. Yeah. That was succinct. Which was not. It was not. We beat around the bush a lot in this.
Alix:You're the killer.
Alix:You see, Kate was one of my first clients. I helped make her famous. And then she helped Irene destroy my life. Then you're Irene Barton? That's.
That's right. Michael Barton. I invented the Barton girl. No one's gonna hear you up here, Alix. You see, I was a makeup artist in those days.
I turned that agency into an international syndicate. That was before I married Irene.
Sheriff:We were married one year, and then.
Sheriff:She sued for divorce. She got the agency and the models. I started drinking about that time, and I assaulted this gentleman in the bar. I went to prison.
Sheriff:When I got out, I went to.
Sheriff:See Irene.
Sheriff:To beg her for some money. And she just laughed. So then I went to see the models I made famous. Candy, Camille, Jacqueline, Kate, Marissa. They chose to stay with Irene.
So I decided to kill every one of them.
Alix:Don't you think the police are going to suspect you?
Sheriff:No. You see, I was living with this other woman at the time.
And I came home and she was in bed with a man. And I killed him. Set the house on fire. The police thought it was my body in the ashes.
Alix:The phony clothes, the phony accent. You never were a sheriff?
Sheriff:No, of course not. I read about Regine having this little show with her ex models, and I came up here and pretended I was a sheriff.
Alix:You were up here when we arrived then?
Sheriff:Yes. I came up the night before and I pulled out the telephones and shorted the generator.
Alix:You mailed those poison cosmetics to the agency.
Sheriff:Very good, Alix.
Alix:Do you really think you're gonna get away with all these murders? They weren't murders. They were justifiable revenge.
Besides, I was going to blame the whole thing on Kate, but we struggled and she fell down the cliff. She was a rather peculiar girl, you know. She even left her French cigarettes at the scene of the crime.
Patrick:And it's so frustrating because not only is he Jessica Walters ex husband, which for some reason she doesn't recognize, and.
Martin:All right, one thing. When she gets murdered, I don't care, even if you didn't know, if some sheriff comes knocking at your door at the middle of the night.
Patrick:So, oh, rattling, rattling, rattling the knobs like a crazy person.
Martin:It's one of those, like, lies where you're seeing through the killer's eyes and like, oh, it's you. Come on in. And she puts the fireplace poker down. I'm sorry. You met this man five minutes ago.
Marissa:Go.
Martin:It's the middle of the night. It's rattling at your door. He didn't knock me. Hey, it's me, the sheriff. I'd be nervous. And, oh, it's you. Meanwhile, is your dead husband in disguise?
You can't tell by his voice? I don't. If I heard someone's voice, I. If I heard you in disguise, even you doing Texas accident. That's Patrick. Like, you know, this. She.
This is a man you lived with for how many years? You know his voice?
Patrick:How dare.
Marissa:Why?
Martin:Why?
Patrick:Why am I catching strays? Why am I. Why do I get dreaded? I am a brilliant performer. Thank you. I could fool anyone.
Martin:So I'm like, you let this man into your room, even if you didn't know it was your late husband in disguise. And then, like, when he's acting on weird, you put the poker down, you're like, oh, wait, what? You don't scream. You ask for help. It's like.
It's ridiculous.
Irene:It's you. You scared me. What do you want? Not you.
Martin:And then how do you get out so fast? Because you hear her scream. They all come running and she's already dead. I'm like, shouldn't he have a. You know, I don't know. But that.
That was crazy that she didn't know it was her husband. That. That was my biggest.
Patrick:Just it. Because we have painted her as a brilliant woman. Yes, this woman's brilliant. She's sharp as attack. She doesn't miss a chance.
Martin:Even in the beginning, when the French person called and is like, you. All the models will die. So it sounds like. And she's probably saying her, my late husband.
Patrick:Never mind. Yeah, then.
Martin:Never mind. We finally, oh, tell her, my late husband. You know, but it was kind of.
Patrick:Like, couldn't possibly be him.
Martin:He died in a fire. I didn't see his body, but he's dead in a fire. It's like, come on, girl. Like these people.
Patrick:Although. But what I did appreciate about this is that you touched on it. They gave her the line that's in every fucking whodunit. Every fucking.
It's literally in every episode of Midsummer Murders. Every single one. Where, again, you're having the point of view shot. And the victim looks at the camera. Oh, it's you. You startled me.
What are you doing here? Literally, verbatim.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:She delivered the three sentences, but the famous last words of so many movie characters.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Which made me so happy that it happened, but it made me so angry. There was Jessica Walters, who's smarter than that. This character that you built is smarter than this.
And it makes one of the women think it's even more trouble that the guy says in his confession. He's like, you know, before I started as a modeling agent, I was a makeup artist.
Martin:Like, we didn't do too well.
Patrick:Exactly. So you should know to match your foundation to the plastic appliance. And you point the name.
Martin:Ridiculous. It was ridiculous.
Patrick:It's so stupid.
Martin:Yeah, it was. It was. That's. That's what killed me. And that. Her trusting him.
Even at the very end when, like, someone's chasing her, and she runs up to the very top of the gondola thing, and she goes to hide in a box, and she finds Kate's body. So Kate's the one who went down to find the sheriff. So she's dead there. It means she never got to meet the sheriff. Right.
So the sheriff comes up and she's.
Martin:Like, oh, my God.
Martin:Thank God it's you.
Patrick:Oh, hi.
Martin:And she's like, oh, you know. He's like, we gotta get you out of here. And then, like, she's. She's like, hey, wait a minute. If that's Kate, how did you get called here?
I didn't have to kill you. Now I gotta kill you. It's like, come on, Alix.
Sheriff:We gotta get outta here.
Alix:She never made it down the mountain.
Sheriff:I know.
Sheriff:I gotta get down for help.
Alix:Wait a minute. She never made it down to tell you.
Marissa:Come on, Alix.
Alix:How did you know what was going on here?
Sheriff:Alix, no, wait.
Alix:What did you mean by you know.
You're the killer.
Martin:You didn't know it from day one. Like, the second she came by. Like, fuck. She never got down there. Like, that guy's a she.
Patrick:Was. She.
Marissa:She had.
Patrick:She made a dad with him. They had a town when they get out. They have a day plan when they get out. But they survive the mountain. It's.
Martin:Fuck off.
Patrick:She's really stupid.
Alix:Frank. We a dinner date, remember?
Sheriff:I sure do, little lady.
Patrick:I sure do.
Martin:I also think she's gonna latch on.
Patrick:To the one person. Get out of here. I'm gonna survive because I'm the sheriff. No, off. Exactly off. But bless Connie Sellecca.
They saddle her with the worst dialogue because in this whole scene where he's confessing, she has to deliver lines to make sure that the stupidest audience member knows what's going on. It. Because the man is literally saying, I'm a makeup artist.
And he's peeling his face off and taking off the wig and taking off all this stuff and revealing the. The mustache gun. She's like, hey, that means you're not really a sheriff.
Martin:Yes. Somebody.
Patrick:He just peeled his face off. Kela. Wait a minute. That means you mailed the. The poison back up to the. To the. No.
Martin:He said yes. Yes.
Patrick:It's not your fault. You didn't write the dialogue. You're doing the best with what they gave me to do. Kai's. Elka. But holy. This movie is stupid.
Martin:Stupid. So bad. And then he was gonna.
Oh, I forgot that he left a French cigarette when he killed Jessica Walters to throw blame on Kate, who was already dead at that point. So why is he trying to blame Kate? I was gonna make it that Kate did and have her go to prison for it or whatever. But then, like.
And even at the end, you mentioned all the French cigarettes. Like, that was a plot point. Someone really liked that. Really.
Patrick:Like, they really did. They. They. We spent the money on the French cigarette. We're gonna use the French cigarette.
Martin:The French cigarettes. It's happening.
Patrick:We're leaving it in. We need another 30 seconds. And it's so. Like the kids. Like, ah, you know what? After. After bashing the head of a modeling agency's headed.
I like to enjoy. Let's smoke. And I'm gonna leave it here. I've left no clues so far. We're gonna do this really stupid, obvious thing. It's terrible. Terrible.
Martin:We jumped around.
Patrick:You know what? It doesn't matter. We're getting through it. We're doing much better than. We're not bothering to try to Tell the story.
You just need to watch the movie because it is a trip on its own and understand our frustration that's going on with us because the mystery's obvious. This.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:There's literally no thrills.
Martin:No.
Patrick:There's no suspense.
Martin:No.
Patrick:There is a corpse party. I do love a good old fashioned corpse party.
Martin:That was weird. That was a weird little like, kind of like that was creepy. The few moments that got creepy in it.
But that was one of the creepy moments when they're in the studio and like Jessica Walter's voice is played and she's dead at this time and they have all the models kind of like dead, but like in the clothes or whatever. Like, yeah, it was weird. I'm like, why would he do that? Like, I mean, I know he's crazy.
Obviously he's killed them all, but like, that was even like, like, like above.
Irene:In what Regine likes to call pursuit of life, Kate Bedford shows you the two piece look. The jacket top, which is made of black and red marble. Now Camille Betco shows you the complete suit of lights. Isn't she lovely?
Jacqueline wears it over a black camisole and sleek little pants. A black cream. Kathy Carroll shows you an evening costume in three pieces. Every woman wants to have a very special look, very special evening.
And Regine has turned it on. Elegant Nigerian brown shinpa and its flirting matching jacket for just such an occasion. It makes a beautiful figure more beautiful. The punctuate.
Martin:And like, that was. That would have made the. That would be the best part of the. It was the best part of the movie.
Patrick:But more of that had it been lit.
Martin:I'm like, I think. I think I know what I'm seeing.
Patrick:I think I'm seeing. It's just like black and a little face. That's really all I could see. I think it's a dead person. Or it could be. I don't know what it is.
But no, it was there to make me happy because one of my other favorite tropes is a corpse party. I love a good old fashioned corpse party. Someone's lugging bodies around and posing them just for you, just to get it. Fine. Isn't this nice?
Martin:Yeah. Wendy.
Martin:Sarah.
Martin:No.
Patrick:Are you gonna find the exact order? I want you to find that because that's how these things go, you know? It's like Domino's. You have to do it in the right way.
And you did it the right way. Hooray. They never have good cake at a corpse party. They'll never have good cake. It's pretty Sad. You never were the sheriff? No.
Martin:Hey, wait a minute.She hasn't been down the mountain. Then how did you get here? Like you haven't figured out by now. Why are you asking him? You know. You know the answer.
Patrick:Like I said, it's for this stupid audience.
Martin:Like, if she, she never made it Down the mountain,.
Patrick:this would never happen on abc. ABC movies were not geared toward the stupid for the most part.
Martin:She couldn't have contacted you and you wouldn't know to come here. So why are you here? It's like, girl, he's the murderer. Like, look at that fake nose. Like. And the fake. And he lied to you. He's like, I'm from Texas.
And then he's like, he's not from Texas. And it's like, you're still gonna trust this strange man with your life.
Patrick:Does this mean we don't have a date on Tuesday? But she had another moment where she's really slow after somebody, after another after, you know, the models are get. Are pretty much gone.
She's like, hey, Barton model left. He's murdering all the bargain girls. I'm the last one. No. Yeah, exactly.
Alix:Well, I just realized if the murders taken the Barton models, I'm the last one.
Patrick:Barton girls. Thank you for getting that last name. Because I knew there was some catchy name for them. It was this, the Barton Girls. It's thick.
You're pretty, but you are thick.
Martin:Keep modeling. You can't do anything else.
Patrick:Just jumping around. I just want to go back to Clive Rebel. Clive has that wonderful scene where he's. Where he's coaxing Tony Peter Horton into stealing things.
There's so much money in it for you. Those boys make billions of dollars off their designs.
Victor:The gross was $69 billion last year.
Tony:What's your take, Victor?
Victor:Enough to keep me in antique Bentleys and young designers.
Patrick:Get it, girl, get it, get it. Aruga, aruga. Because it's an antique family. I don't know if that's what they sound like, but that's what they sound like to me. That made me happy.
And he's got a great cunty line. He got a great country last line as he's leaving. It's like, Regine, lovely party. Macabre, but festive.
Victor:Oh, goodbye, darling.
I must say, you do give the first class show.
Victor:Macabre, but memorable.
Patrick:I mean, Regine is wrecked. She's just like this shell of a woman. She's like complete shot.
Martin:Completely very Gloria Swanson at the end of Sunset Boulevard.
Patrick:Glorious ones. She's serving all the Psycho bit. He's the classic psychobities. It's great stuff. All the other two like, okay, we're gonna get married.
Maybe you can wear the Spanish number when there's a wedding to off. That's crazy. Dump him right now. We're not gonna die off. Okay, I'm gonna go. Rudy.
Laura:You still wanna marry me? Yeah.
Alan:You still wanna marry me?
Laura:Yeah.
Alan:You told your mother?
Marissa:No, she still thinks I'm going to Dallas so she can auction me off at the fat stock show.
Alan:What about that expensive little Spanish number she bought you?
Laura:What about it?
Alan:Well, I thought we could use it.
Alan:As a wedding dress.
Martin:I Maybe ugly, but I'm rich, so goodbye. I can hire a husband.
Patrick:Oh, please. You're a photographer. Gross. Oh, by the way, the fact that he's a photographer named Alan Lenz. Come on.
Alan:We haven't met. I'm Alan Lenz.
Laura:Isn't that rather a perfect name for a photographer?
Patrick:Come on.
Martin:This is Stuart, makeup, the makeup artist. Joel Brush, the hair man. How funny. Your name is Joel Brush and you got into hair.
Patrick:That wasn't that funny, but it really hit me hard.
Martin:Alan Lens. Oh, please.
Patrick:This is the thing that I've talked about on other podcasts that I know. There's this. There's a. There's a shorthand, particularly in television screenwriting. Well, they'll do that. Where they do.
They put hints in the name because it's usually doing. Dealing with characters in a shorter format. It's only 30 to 60 minutes. Yeah.
So we'll give you some kind of subliminal hint in the name on how this character is supposed to be.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Like. Like one of the things I was taught. Like when the. When you get.
Besides, you look at your character's name and see, what does that name make you think of? That's what they want you to be thinking of. Like, if you get the name Brad.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Okay. Normally in movies, Brad is either the coolest person on campus or he's the biggest douche.
Martin:Yeah. Yeah.
Patrick:Or both. So now, you know, this might be what they want.
Martin:Chad. You know, Chad is like.
Patrick:Chad.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Yeah. If your character's named Portia, you kind of of, you know.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:You know what you're going for, Rich.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:Lens. You on abc, they do it right. And NBC, they're like, we're. This is. This is the Different Strokes network. NBC hadn't hit a T day yet.
It was still an ABC world. Was it Must See tv.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:Oh, the gondola arrives. Oh, the hearse is here. That's not funny. I'm ugly. But that's still that funny.
Alan:Our hearse is waiting
Laura:That's not funny.
Alan:No. Death isn't funny, is it?
Alan:Life's the joke.
Martin:Those two. I. I did not approve of that romance. That was weird.
Patrick:It's not. It's not going to last. But. No but he says. You're right. Death isn't funny. Me, it's life. That's the joke. And time Waves. Ribbons of memories. Too sweet.
Alive when you do.
Martin:Yeah. Now they're trying to make things romantic.
Patrick:Maybe I'll get into porn.
Martin:There's an opening. Johnna Cassidy's dead, so.
Patrick:Right.
Alix:And Al and I might need some new pictures.
Alan:Oh, no, no. I'm getting out of this business. I'm gonna marry a rich heiress and publish esoteric books.
Alan:Or maybe I'll go right into porn.
Alan:What do you think?
Patrick:Clicking the camera and pitching the hay is not my idea of a perfect day. But you're just so ugly. Super ugly things.
Martin:Gooch.
Patrick:Gooch.
Martin:Laura. Gooch. Lens.
Patrick:Lens gooch is even worse. Oh, did you hear about Laura? She got lens. Go.
Martin:Oh, no. Oh, goodness. Is it catching?
Patrick:Oh, my God. My nose is running.
Martin:Isn't there an ointment for that?
Patrick:It's definitely a suppository. I don't know what else to say about this movie. It's a. It's a. We think we've done it. I think we've done it. I think we've done it, Martin.
I think after three attempts, I finally landed the goddamn plane.
Martin:Yes. I mean, it's a bumpy trip.
Patrick:It's been a bumpy flight, but what are you gonna do?
Martin:Like, I. I wanted it to be better. I could see potential. I could. It's like there's so much I wanted from it. It just did not deliver.
I don't know if it was the director, the editor, the. The Whatever, it just. The network, who knows? But it could have been clever and good and just. No, but still fun. I still enjoyed myself. I did not.
Patrick:Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the wrong reasons. I mean, I was enjoying how frustrated I was getting.
Martin:Like, what you do?
Patrick:You were on the right path. And now where are we? Where have we gone? It's been really boring for like, were models being murdered and now we're just not happening.
Martin:It was too much like, boringness in between the killings. And the killings happened so fast, they weren't even. Like you'd even see half them. Like, Candy's dead. Off screen. Lipgross girl died. We find her.
Patrick:We keep finding they all died off screen. Yeah, they all died off screen. Well, except. Well, except for Jessica Walters.
Martin:Yeah. We actually don't see. Did you see her go, ah. And then you come in, you see her dead. So. Yeah, no one like.
Patrick:Well, yeah, I mean, still. But you saw something happen. You saw her get attacked. You saw the shadow.
Martin:Yes. You knew it was happening. Yes.
Patrick:It might have been a thrill for somebody, but. Oh. Oh, no. I found her in a plastic bag. Oh, no. At least she's fresh.
Martin:That was so weird for the. What was her name? Did they give her a name? I feel like they'd even like Jacqueline dressing must have. Jacqueline. Yeah, Jacqueline. Jacqueline, yes.
It's in like a garbage garment bag, like just hanging.
Patrick:No, she, she, she was. She was in the garment bag.
Martin:Yeah, but why would you even. Like, how did that.
Patrick:She suffocated her.
Martin:She can't break out of it like, it's plastic. I mean, babies. I see it. But a full grown woman can break out of that bag. The zipper is not that strong. I'm sorry.
Unless he held her in there while she suffocated. I don't know. But just. Yeah, I was like. Okay, I feel.
Patrick:I feel like you're really judging exactly. Right now. Victim shaming here.
Martin:They really didn't develop the models at all.
Patrick:Like, I mean, nor did they try to.
Martin:Kate. They gave that walks in with like a leopard. Baby leopard at the ad agency. That's like, you can't have that animals a pet.
Marissa:What is that thing? A leopard. Oh, a leopard. Yeah. Killed its mother. Well, how can you kill animals? I enjoy it. I mean, I think it's so barbaric.
Oh, Irene, those shoes you're wearing made from dead animals. Your handbag, dead animals. Your dinner, dead animals. Can you a break, will you, Kate? Can you make Regine show? I wouldn't miss it. Wonderful.
Sunday morning at 6. We'll all fly up together. And don't bring your little orphan.
Martin:Like, remember the very beginning. Kate comes in, she's like, oh, my leopard. Yeah.
Patrick:She can't with her shoulders. She killed its mother. She killed its mother. I gotta take care of her now. It's mine now. Who's gonna take care of that baby leopard?
The baby leopard is the real victim here.
Martin:It's lost two mothers. Two mothers.
Patrick:Now we spent more time with Kate than anybody. And that was a really interesting scene with Kate. That was a great scene. You're like, well, your shoes are dead animals. Your den is dead animals.
Your purse is dead animals. What's the problem with my hunting that was interesting.
Martin:Yeah, I kind of.
Patrick:And then we don't come back to her.
Martin:No. She climbs away and then is dead. No.
Patrick:She's not going to be the lesbian hero. And. Oh, great. And then she drops out of the movie. Good for her.
Martin:Yeah. She's smart. I know.
Patrick:By the way, I'm keeping this dress.
Martin:Not that one, the Maryland.
Patrick:This one. Keep your mutton whatever sleeve.
Martin:Mutton chops. That's terrible. The word mutton should never be anything.
Patrick:Like that you wear.
Martin:Okay.
Patrick:You know Lady Gaga were beef like a normal person.
Martin:Exactly. Little meat purse. Really?
Patrick:Stop making me laugh now because now I got a booger.
Martin:Oh, no. Oh, Lord. Well, I, I, I did enjoy it. I will say that.
Patrick:Good. I figured you would. Because do you know why you're here?
Martin:Oh, goodness. On the planet. Like. Okay, okay. Yes.
Patrick:We've suddenly turned into a philosophy podcast. No. Why you're here talking about this movie. Because as soon as it hit me, I'm like, of course I have to do this with Martin Martyrs.
What is going to get me through that? Two reasons. Because the other thing this movie needed was evil insect women.
Martin:100%. They kind of. With the. They could have all been evil insect women. Women. I can see.
Patrick:100. Except they wouldn't have killed. Except the murder would have been thwarted immediately.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:Who are the evil insect women? For people who don't know, it is.
Martin:A little comic thing that I drew in college and it's all these women. It was like a Miss America.
Patrick:No.
Martin:Miss Universe pageant. Crashes in a bus full of evil insects and they fall into toxic waste. They all come out of the toxic waste with like powers.
Like they can zap people or they can, you know, they're like evil insects woman.
Patrick:It was pretty much still just supermodels, but with antennas and wings and like.
Martin:Pouty faces and gowns.
Patrick:They were great. They were great. I love it. But they would. The other thing was back in our college days, listeners, we were a bold and a beautiful college.
Martin:Yes.
Patrick:I don't know how it is now, but back in the early days of the Bold and the Beautiful, they strove to not have plot lines that were like other ridiculous soap opera plot lines. It wasn't evil twins.
Martin:Yeah.
Patrick:And things like that. It was was, it was more fashion based thing. And one of the plot lines that Martin, I particularly enjoy. I hope you remember that. I hope.
There was a girl. There was a girl who had acne. She wanted to be a model and she would have seen like I want to eat the nest.
But I can't eat the nest because of my acne, but I want to eat the Nestle. Katie Friday cliffhanger was the mother walking into the room to pick her up to her f. She turns and she chugging all over her face like.
Martin:That was Katie Logan. That was Brooke's little sister.
Patrick:That was a big problem.
Martin:I want the Nestle's. I can't eat the Nestle's.
Patrick:I'm gonna have the Nestle.
Martin:One minute, please. So I was. Housekeeping.
Patrick:Yeah, no bueno. We're busy. The ugly girl brought me to that. The ugly girl. The ugliest girl in the world could have been on the bold. The beautiful.
The ugliest, not ugly girl in the world could have been on the. I want to be. I just want to survive the week.
Martin:So ugly.
Patrick:Nobody but Lisa don't have acne.
Martin:Me.
Patrick:My heel. Friday fade out. It was some tried on the bold. Beautiful.
Martin:Brooke. Brooke broke one of Stephanie's antique, like Christmas ornaments. And that was like. Like the thing thought the shadow. I was like.
Like you have like Days of our lives where it's like Stephano is like taking people's brains and switching bodies and.
Patrick:Right, right.
Martin:Exactly.
Patrick:The Salem stranglers on the loose and.
Martin:We get broken ornaments.
Patrick:We got to run. Stocking.
Martin:Hello. And it's time for the big fashion show. Like the showstopper. Who's going to be wearing it?
Patrick:So would have been great had, you know the scene. And like one of those scenes on the. On the staircase. She's like, I'm so ugly. You know what?
I'm going to go to my room and I'm going to put on that Spanish number that my mother bought for me. And then I'm going to seduce you. And like the.
Marissa:That.
Patrick:That telenovela woman would just pop out.
Martin:Seduce. Look, I don't think you can.
Patrick:Did someone say Spanish number? Here I am. That was terrible. All right, we're. We're just circling the airport now. It's time to land this plan. Martin, we survived.
We survived the weekend at Regines.
Martin:Barely.
Patrick:I don't have anybody in the back made. But you know what? We're here. That's the important thing.
Martin:We're here.
Patrick:And now. I don't know how to end the show. Basically ended it. They got through it.
Martin:We lived it. We've gone through it. There's not enough of an ending.
Patrick:Take a day.
Martin:I mean, we say people should watch it. I think it's worth watching.
Patrick:No, no, no.
Marissa:Yes.
Patrick:I wouldn't talk about it if it wasn't worth watching. I don't like to on things purely like this was a. It's so close.
Martin:It was so close. Not it was very close.
Patrick:Really far Jamie.
Martin:Far. He could have been in the fashion show.
Patrick:He could. He's always in fashion.
Martin:A mutton sleeve. Great dress.
Patrick:So before we go, why don't you tell people more about you if they can find you someplace, if they want to follow you or if they liked what they saw here.
Martin:Today I am on Instagram Martin McEl7 and yeah, that's. Yeah, I mean more about me. I'm just a small town girl living in. Taking the midnight train to anywhere Pretty much me.
Patrick:I thought you were looking for the fat of your life.
Martin:Yeah. Oh, I could. That's a neck next time.
Patrick:So many small town girls. I am a small town girl. Thank you so much for joining me on this fight. Thank you for getting through. We've all led safely.
I'm gonna have to end this on my own. I can't think of an outro.
Martin:The drugs pretending he's beside me.
Patrick:Musical theater until next time, Martin. Thank you for joining me. And I. I bid you nothing but muskrat love
