“Sometimes responsibility means you’re the only one who can change things.”

Whoa.

That line, from Lisa Feldman Barrett’s How Emotions Are Made, rewired the word for me.

Before I read How Emotions Are Made, I thought of responsibility as a weight that I’m obligated to carry. A should that I fulfill because I’m a good person (or because I want to be perceived as a good person).

Barrett flipped it. Rather than thinking of obligation, I now recognize it as opportunity: I can choose to do this, and no one else can. I’m the only one standing where I stand.

That’s not a burden. That’s agency.

For leaders and founders, that flip is huge.

Responsibility as burden means that, no matter what you’re doing, you’re doing it reactively. You’re one step behind, solving problems, fixing messes, assuming more than your fair share because, well, who else will if you won’t?

And there are so many responsibilities, it’s so tempting to ignore or postpone the ones that feel like… just more than I feel capable of handling well right now.

• The conversation you keep putting off.
• The drift in your culture of respect and positivity.
• The lack of attention to detail.

No one else is coming to handle those.

If you view them as akin to cosmic punishment, you get drained and embittered.

If you see them as opportunity, because you’re the only one with the power to make things better — you get energized.

Energized by your agency.

Same situation.

Two completely different nervous systems.

How to Shift

It’s really hard to view a responsibility as a gift or opportunity when your nervous system is in fight or flight mode.

In fact, my suggestion that you do so may land as an annoying bit of preaching instead of genuinely insightful and helpful advice.

So the trick is to regulate your nervous system while holding a responsibility in mind.

Step 1

Think about the responsibility that’s weighing on you the most right now. The conversation you keep postponing. The drift you’ve been tolerating. The thing that tightens your shoulders just reading this paragraph.

Step 2

Before you think about it any further, take 60 seconds and breathe. In for four counts, out for six. As you breathe, lightly scan your body and notice where you’re holding. Jaw. Shoulders. Chest. Just notice.

Step 3

Look at that responsibility again. Does your mind now allow you the space to see what Dr Barrett saw? This isn’t a burden; it’s the fruit of a position only you occupy.

The reframe doesn’t come from arguing with yourself. It comes from regulating first, so your brain can actually access the part of you that leads, rather than the part that braces.

I’d love to hear what you find when you try it.

Drop me a line at howiejacobson.com.

Sometimes responsibility means you're the only one who can change things. Whoa. So that's a line from Lisa Feldman Barrett's book, How Emotions Are Made, and it rewired the word responsibility for me. 'Cause before I read the book, I thought of responsibility as a weight that I'm obligated to carry. It's a little bit unfair even.

I can choose to do this and no one else can. I'm the only one standing where I stand, and that's the opposite of a burden. That's agency. And for leaders and founders, that flip is huge. 'Cause responsibility as burden means that no matter what you're doing, you're doing it reactively. You're a step behind solving problems, fixing messes, assuming more than your fair share because, well, who else will if you won't?

And man, there are so many responsibilities, aren't there? It's so tempting to ignore or postpone the ones that feel like just more than I feel capable of handling well right now. That conversation you keep putting off, the drift of your organization's culture of respect and positivity, the beginning of a lack of attention to detail, stuff like that.

So let's talk about how to shift from burden thinking to opportunity thinking. 'Cause it's really hard to view a responsibility as a gift or an opportunity when your nervous system is in fight or flight mode. In fact, if I suggest that you do so, like, "Hey, think of this differently. Think of this as an opportunity," it may land as an annoying bit of preaching instead of genuinely insightful and helpful advice.

So the trick is to regulate your nervous system while holding a responsibility in mind. So step one, think about that responsibility that's weighing on you the most right now. The conversation you keep postponing, the drift you've been tolerating,

Now, after a minute, step three, look at that responsibility again. Does your mind now allow you the space to see what Dr. Barrett saw? That this doesn't have to be a burden. It can be the fruit of a position only you occupy. The reframe doesn't come from arguing with yourself. It comes from regulating first, so your brain can actually access the part of you that leads rather than the part of you that braces.

I'd love to hear what you find when you try it. Drop me a line at howiejacobson.com.