Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Xhafer prepares for a journey to the motherland. Laura questions the show's choice of fonts. Meanwhile, Gideon and Galen go on a D&D adventure in Crusade: Episode 2 - The Long Road.

and welcome to Who Are You?

2

It's the Babylon 5 watch cast by

a couple of former strangers, now

3

friends, who are getting to know

each other over one of their favorite

4

shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

5

I'm Laura,

6

Xhafer: And I'm Ja'far.

7

Laura: and Jaffer, today I get

to ask you, where are you going?

8

Xhafer: Well, where I'm going

is I'm going to the motherland.

9

Laura: Ja'far?

10

Xhafer: Well, the source of my

incredibly distinct name is my

11

father's family, and they're all

from Albania, which is where I'll be

12

going for the first time in October.

13

I'm very excited.

14

I am a multi generation American North

American through my Albanian family.

15

So I'm not particularly,

I, I have relatives there.

16

Laura: Uh Huh.

17

Xhafer: There, there are

no one I've ever met.

18

And I'm going with my sister

her boyfriend, who's also

19

one of my college roommates.

20

Uh, I'm going, Beth is coming along.

21

My uncle is going my mom declined.

22

Laura: Okay.

23

Xhafer: really her family

or her people anyways.

24

Laura: Yeah.

25

Xhafer: And then I might

have a couple of cousins.

26

We had at one point about 75 people

invited to this trip to Europe.

27

Laura: Wow.

28

Xhafer: not many were able to

accept for a number of reasons.

29

Laura: Sure.

30

Yeah.

31

Xhafer: But I'm real excited.

32

My sister's been once.

33

My uncle's been about 10 times.

34

Laura: How does one get to Albania?

35

Xhafer: An airplane.

36

Laura: Well, like, I mean, is there

just like an Albanian airport?

37

What's the major city?

38

Like, come on.

39

Xhafer: Yeah, no no, I'll be, I'll

be flying in through the capital

40

Tirana, which is a moderately, like

Albania is in the European union.

41

It is a NATO country.

42

Like, no, no, it is not large.

43

I will be seeing approximately

half the country on my trip

44

Laura: Yeah.

45

Xhafer: and that's taking it slow.

46

Laura: I've got to do this now

because we just brought up the size.

47

I need to know the square miles.

48

Xhafer: Oh, it's like Rhode Island sized.

49

Laura: Yeah.

50

I love these European countries where you

can get from like one side to the other

51

side in like, I don't know, an hour.

52

Xhafer: Yeah.

53

Well, it's mountainous where we'll be.

54

Laura: Okay.

55

Oh, that'll be pretty.

56

That'll be nice.

57

Xhafer: a handful of spots picked

out where I'm going to be hiking.

58

there's a couple of really scenic places.

59

The coast is like slowly becoming

a very famous party place.

60

Laura: Ooh.

61

Xhafer: in Europe.

62

Not quite Ibiza, but it's

working its way there.

63

so I'm gonna be having a lot

of fun there on that trip.

64

We're doing 12 days in Albania working

our way through the southern region of

65

it uh, which is where my family is from.

66

My grandfather's family

is from the capital.

67

My grandmother's family is from

a village of like 120, which Is

68

about how big it is currently.

69

I've definitely got

living relatives there.

70

Laura: Wow.

71

Xhafer: on the old family lot.

72

Um, my, my great uncle actually

had a gravestone installed for

73

him and his siblings there.

74

none of them are buried there.

75

They all died in North America.

76

Uh, but I'll probably go visit that

77

Laura: Yeah.

78

That's neat.

79

Xhafer: There's apparently, the village

specifically is, like, it has a cafe.

80

I will walk in, be choked out

by cigarettes, get a couple

81

strange looks, and leave.

82

Laura: Yeah.

83

Xhafer: Um, and then I will go to the

nearest town where we're hanging out.

84

That's, yeah, so there's all that.

85

And then at the end of that

12 days, I'm going to Prague.

86

And we're going to spend four days in

Prague, and then we're going to come home.

87

Laura: Mm.

88

That'll be really cool.

89

Xhafer: I am so excited.

90

Laura: Yeah.

91

Xhafer: there.

92

Laura: In Prague or just all both

93

places in general.

94

Xhafer: Albania.

95

is so cheap.

96

Like,

97

Laura: I bet

98

Xhafer: like five star hotels

are like 40 bucks a night.

99

Like, it is so cheap there.

100

The dollar is so strong.

101

Laura: BRB planning my next trip going

to Albania so they're not on the Euro.

102

Xhafer: They are on the Euro.

103

Laura: Oh, okay.

104

Xhafer: it's just the uh, The local level

of inflation and cost and everything

105

is like, oh, you have currency?

106

Laura: Yeah.

107

Yeah, I get it.

108

Okay, man.

109

Xhafer: I think they actually, I know

that they're EU, but I don't think

110

they really use the Euro that much.

111

I think they stick to, at the very least

it's preferred to use LEC, I think.

112

Laura: Oh, okay.

113

Xhafer: It's the local.

114

I was told that I didn't need to worry

about it and that I would just show

115

up and buy a bunch when I got there,

and that that was the way to do it.

116

Laura: And that's fine.

117

Yeah.

118

Xhafer: Yeah.

119

Laura: All right.

120

Xhafer: Yeah.

121

English, not gonna be

super prevalent everywhere.

122

Laura: That was my next question.

123

Yeah.

124

Xhafer: So there is a, at this

point he is a friend of the family,

125

because he is the guide for all

of my family when they go over.

126

And to my knowledge, this is all he does.

127

Laura: Just like translate

for people, take them

128

Xhafer: No, no, no, just my family.

129

Laura: Oh, just your family.

130

Xhafer: Just when someone

from my family goes over,

131

you go see Ali.

132

He takes care of you while you're there.

133

Laura: Uh Huh.

134

Neat.

135

Xhafer: Um, and it's funny because

he actually has a sister who

136

lives about 15 miles away from me.

137

Laura: Wow.

138

Xhafer: Right?

139

The world is so weird.

140

Laura: It is.

141

That's the truth.

142

Xhafer: What are the

fucking chances of that?

143

Yeah, so, I'm looking forward to it.

144

It's going to be a really fun trip.

145

And uh, see, it will be the farthest

away in miles I've ever been from home.

146

Probably.

147

Laura: Jaffer, that sounds like.

148

A long road.

149

ha ha.

150

Xhafer: Episode 2, the

long road in front of us.

151

Laura: Mm hmm.

152

Xhafer: we open on some

random humans doing stuff.

153

And we see this giant CGI

eyeball in their window.

154

Yeah.

155

Laura: we have this crew, they're

doing something somewhere and then

156

things get really shaky and the,

the dude is screaming about, it's

157

back, call for help then opens the

curtain to this giant, not great CGI.

158

Eyeball.

159

That part can't be stressed enough.

160

Xhafer: Yeah.

161

We cut over to the Excalibur.

162

Where Gideon is on what is

simultaneously the smallest and

163

largest basketball court ever made.

164

Laura: My god, Ja'far.

165

This, Aaron paused this because I

was desperately trying to catch up

166

my notes from the previous scene

for a moment and he was like, no,

167

no, no, you've got to see this.

168

And It's very much that, like, the,

the, the people, the humans are

169

clustered in one side of the screen.

170

And then we CGI'd the rest of this to

look like there's a gym behind them.

171

Xhafer: but it's like the perspective

is all wrong like This gym must be the

172

size of like several football fields.

173

The way that it's set up, like it just

looked insanely massive to me for a

174

basketball court, but we also only ever

see anyone on about five feet of it.

175

Laura: Yeah, yeah, there's like one shot

where we're like above Gideon on the

176

basketball court and you can see people

on like exercise machines off behind him

177

and then the rest is just CGI background.

178

And then, yeah, and

179

then we

180

get,

181

Xhafer: workout equipment.

182

Mm

183

Laura: to Gideon, so we get another

shot from, like, their height.

184

And behind Gideon is just blank

space of, like, this awful tile

185

pattern that goes on into eternity.

186

Like,

187

Xhafer: Ad infinitum.

188

It is just insane how big this gym is!

189

I, I literally just was paused

here and I'm just all like,

190

I, how does this happen?

191

Laura: Right, like, how did

this pass quality control?

192

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

193

Yeah, but uh, they're gonna

move the plot forward some more

194

here and go help these miners.

195

As we cut over to the mobile infantry,

196

Laura: yes, Aaron, Aaron paused here

as well and said, Tell me those aren't

197

the helmets from Starship Troopers.

198

Xhafer: They are exactly the

helmets from Starship Troopers.

199

Actually, so, fun little fact.

200

Starship Troopers was one of the last

big sci fi, big budget sci fi films to do

201

full, like, non CGI outfits for people.

202

And so, they made thousands of

these fucking helmets for extras.

203

Because if you

204

think about it, None of the humans

in that movie, I believe, are CGI.

205

And think of, like, the waves

of people that you see at

206

certain points of that movie.

207

Laura: Yeah.

208

Yeah.

209

Xhafer: visible.

210

So, around Hollywood, for at least

a decade after that film was made,

211

This stuff was just floating around

and super easy to get your hands on.

212

Laura: There's like a warehouse

just full of old Starship Trooper

213

Xhafer: Yeah.

214

Laura: Like, oh, you're doing sci fi?

215

Here, come get some stuff.

216

Xhafer: Right?

217

Like, yeah, it's like you know when

you got a big circle of friends

218

and everyone's, like, having kids?

219

It's all like, oh, it's your turn.

220

Here's all the baby clothes that

all of your friend's kids had.

221

It's that.

222

But for sci fi helmets,

you can google this.

223

Like, you can google, like, Starship

Troopers, fi Extended Universe, or like,

224

proper usage and stuff, and just see all

of the crazy places this shit turned up.

225

Because it's much more than you expect.

226

Laura: Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

227

I really like that.

228

Reduce, reuse, recycle, people,

229

yeah.

230

Xhafer: sure.

231

They're perfectly good sci fi helmets.

232

There's no reason to not reuse them.

233

Laura: yeah.

234

Xhafer: And and it's

235

podcasting gold for us.

236

So

237

Laura: And here they're going to face

off against our CGI dragon to theme.

238

Xhafer: this looks like it's

straight out of reboot to me.

239

That's how bad the CGI is.

240

Laura: Yeah, it's not good.

241

It could be a lot better.

242

Xhafer: I think PlayStation

one had better graphics.

243

Laura: Yeah,

244

Xhafer: this is, this is if Lara Croft

Tomb Raider had to fight a dragon.

245

And they forgot to render

the dragon for Tomb Raider 1.

246

Laura: yeah, yeah, like, I mean,

maybe I'm having a little bit of

247

bias Baldur's Gate right now and

that's some fantastic graphics.

248

Uh,

249

Xhafer: is so good.

250

Laura: Have we had any

dragons yet in Baldur's Gate?

251

We have not.

252

I don't know if dragons

show up in Baldur's Gate.

253

Then,

254

heh.

255

They've sure been mentioned alot

because Tiamat and whatever, but, yeah.

256

I feel like that, having that perspective

of like playing this game at the same

257

time you're looking at the CGI dragon.

258

Mmmmmm.

259

Xhafer: Like, I've been playing Dwarf

Fortress lately, which is notoriously

260

low res, like, old school graphics.

261

Laura: Aha.

262

Yeah.

263

Xhafer: Still feels better than this.

264

Laura: Yeah.

265

It's a golden dragon, which

is important to a plot point.

266

Xhafer: Yes.

267

Not just because uh,

Galen's a total D& D nerd.

268

And, and knows that golden

dragons are good dragons.

269

Metallic dragons are good guys.

270

So.

271

We're

272

fine.

273

Mhmmm.

274

Laura: Victor from last time on

would be pretty pissed because

275

Gideon is reading a paper report

on the dragon attack, uh, to Galen.

276

Xhafer: Yeah.

277

Laura: Where do we get paper in space?

278

One of the great mysteries.

279

Xhafer: so Galen and Gideon

go over to the Medusa.

280

Laura: Oh, I didn't catch the ship's name.

281

Everything was going a little fast

for me, making notes, you know?

282

Xhafer: Yeah, I didn't get the ship's

name until later in the episode.

283

I left it blank.

284

Uh, I do that a lot in my notes.

285

I'll be like, oh, missed it.

286

Just blank.

287

They'll tell us later or it won't be

important and I won't say anything.

288

Laura: Yeah.

289

So that's smart.

290

That's smart.

291

Xhafer: But yeah, it's

an earth force destroyer.

292

And they catch them up on their

strip mining of the planet for

293

its antiviral mineral that also

extends everyone's lifespan.

294

How they figured out that there was

something to even look for here is the

295

average lifespan on this planet is 15

years longer than anywhere else in Earth's

296

space, despite them having no technology.

297

Laura: Yeah, we've already established

that like Earth lifespans are

298

already longer because Bester's

like, like a hundred years

299

old or something in our book.

300

Xhafer: Hundred years old

and getting down in Paris.

301

Laura: Yeah.

302

Ooooo.

303

Ooooo.

304

Yeah, this society is a real,

like, up the long ladder situation.

305

Uh, If you remember that episode

of The Next Generation, it's that,

306

that's the Space Irish episode.

307

So, they're not, like, racist

caricatures of anything, but they

308

are, like, a medieval society that has

shunned all technology, and they're

309

doing the whole agrarian thing.

310

but they're, they're, like a human

colony that decided like, we're going to

311

get rid of everything that got us here

312

and just hang out and farm stuff.

313

Xhafer: Not spoil this fucking planet.

314

Laura: Uh, Yeah, yeah,

315

Xhafer: we lived in Babylon 5 Universe,

my option one for me is Technomage,

316

if Technomage isn't available.

317

this.

318

be an agrarian colonist

somewhere and just live.

319

Laura: there's just like

no, nothing in between.

320

Either I am the, the most

technological or I am the least.

321

Xhafer: I'm not interested

in any of the middle ground.

322

I've done enough fucking

updates of Windows to not be

323

interested in that lifestyle.

324

Laura: I mean the Babylon 5 future,

um, like a Star Trek future, I

325

don't know why you would choose

the agrarian stuff, but a Babylon 5

326

future, I can kind of get that, yeah.

327

Xhafer: Yeah, that's fair.

328

Yeah, Star Trek, I'm doing

something different with my time for

329

Laura: Yeah, there's, there's more,

more things, more fun to be had.

330

Xhafer: got a lot more options.

331

Laura: Yeah, yeah,

332

Xhafer: Like fucking in the holodeck

man, so I've been rewatching Voyager

333

and I forgot how horny they get

about holodeck fucking in that show

334

Laura: I had forgotten too, because

I watched it when I was quite young.

335

Xhafer: Yeah, I'm in season six

and they've got the the Irish

336

town I Just watched yeah, I just

watched a couple of those episodes.

337

It's just like man Even

Shikote's all like, Well, yeah,

338

but you fuck holograms, right?

339

Because it's totally

normal to fuck a hologram.

340

I'm just like, oh shit.

341

Okay.

342

Laura: I have always told people that

my favorite Star Trek was Deep Space

343

Nine, but then when I was re watching

Voyager, I was like, oh, could I be wrong?

344

Was it maybe actually Voyager all along?

345

I don't know.

346

No, I still love Deep Space Nine.

347

I won't give that up.

348

Xhafer: I mean, I'm always

just going to be a TNG fanboy.

349

But that has a lot more to do with, like,

that show's place in my personal history

350

Laura: Sure.

351

I think that that is true

for everybody, actually.

352

And whether or not you recognize

it, yeah, that's okay, but

353

Xhafer: Yeah the same thing happens

with uh, Final Fantasy games.

354

Everyone's favorite Final Fantasy game is

the first one that they really got into.

355

Regardless of when that was

or how much they played it.

356

Laura: hmm.

357

Sure.

358

Xhafer: Anyways so they go down after uh,

Galen gets Gideon some normie clothes.

359

Laura: Yeah, Galen kind of

takes this whole thing over.

360

He's like, Oh, well, um, So, us

two are just going to go down,

361

no guards, no military stuff.

362

We're going to do it in plainclothes,

like, let us try to handle this first.

363

And the EA captain is not,

like, super into that.

364

Xhafer: Yeah, but fuck him.

365

Laura: Yeah.

366

Xhafer: piece of shit.

367

Laura: Yeah,

368

Xhafer: Galen kind of hints that

he might know what's going on here.

369

Laura: Mm hmm.

370

Yeah.

371

Xhafer: He's like, I got an inkling.

372

And he's like, so you

gonna tell me if I'm right?

373

And what if you're wrong?

374

Well that's not gonna happen.

375

It's all like, okay dude.

376

Laura: I like Kaelin

though, I, I really do.

377

Xhafer: Tunas?

378

Is that the name of this drink that he

379

Laura: Oh, so we watch it with, um, with

the subtitles on, cause I need that.

380

And I think they're just called

like Toonies or something.

381

it's not Tuna, I think it's Toonie.

382

Xhafer: Toonies.

383

Laura: Yeah.

384

It was definitely

385

spelled with

386

like, Uh, that's,

387

Xhafer: Yeah,

388

Laura: Uh,

389

Xhafer: And toonies.

390

Yeah.

391

Laura: yeah, yeah, that's good.

392

That's real good.

393

they've like stumbled into the

Firefly set or costumes or something.

394

Like, it's not totally medieval,

but it's definitely like leaning

395

medieval Western, like on this planet.

396

Xhafer: For sure.

397

Laura: Yeah.

398

Gideon makes the classic

mistake of overpaying for

399

his beers in a foreign place.

400

Xhafer: Oh, man.

401

What a Rube, right?

402

Laura: indeed.

403

Xhafer: What's that even mean?

404

I need to look up the etymology

of that word before I say it.

405

Laura: Rube?

406

Xhafer: Rube.

407

I don't know what that means.

408

I don't know what that

actually comes from.

409

Laura: Oh, yeah.

410

Sometimes I've stumbled

into that, for sure.

411

But it's one of those things like the word

gets so far from the original meaning that

412

it's almost divorced of it and you're,

you don't have any context anymore.

413

Xhafer: It's an abbreviation

of the name Ruben.

414

racist against

415

Laura: racist against Rubens.

416

Ruben is a good sandwich.

417

I really like a Ruben sometimes.

418

Xhafer: Yeah.

419

Yeah, I'd get down on a Reuben.

420

I like Thousand Island.

421

Laura: Yeah, me too.

422

On a sandwich.

423

Xhafer: yeah, on a burger, I will, I

literally don't get anything besides

424

Thousand Island on a burger these days.

425

Why would I bother with anything else?

426

It's not going to be as good.

427

Ketchup and mustard.

428

Get out of here.

429

Mayo, please.

430

Laura: have you ever done

your Ruben with turkey?

431

Like if you're trying

to watch your Kcals or

432

Xhafer: I've,

433

Laura: Love a

434

Xhafer: turkey

435

Reubens.

436

Mm hmm.

437

Laura: So good.

438

Xhafer: Look, there's not a whole lot

of show for us to talk about here.

439

You want an hour long episode, this is

the content you can expect from Crusade.

440

Laura: For

441

Xhafer: Lord knows the show

isn't doing us any favors here

442

by making us talk about it.

443

Laura: Yeah.

444

So, because Gideon overpaid for

his beers, he really overplayed

445

his hand and the townspeople

know that they are not one of us.

446

But in addition to being like

out of towners, they're also

447

like probably out of planeters.

448

Xhafer: Yeah.

449

Laura: And they try to intimidate

Gideon and Galen here in this

450

inn, but they're interrupted by

lightning and thunder and wind.

451

Obviously another

technomage at this point.

452

Xhafer: Yeah, yeah, Alwyn shows

up through the fog machines.

453

I like to think that, like,

they talk about, like, their

454

advanced technology and stuff.

455

It is just fog machines and,

like, light shows, right?

456

They're just, like, effectively,

like, middle school dance DJs.

457

Laura: Yeah, we've seen, what, one

Technomage before in Babylon 5?

458

Or do we actually have two Technomages?

459

I forget.

460

But,

461

Xhafer: Alrick.

462

And he's important for later.

463

Laura: Yeah!

464

Xhafer: He comes back in this episode.

465

Laura: we had

466

him.

467

and now we have Galen, and we have Alwin.

468

And, all Technomages do, as far as

I can tell so far, is hollow demons.

469

Xhafer: They fuckin love their Hollow

Demons, which comes up in a scene later in

470

this episode that I actually really liked.

471

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

472

So he's, he's doing the, the like bluff.

473

He's passed his bluff check

to make a D& D reference.

474

And he says, well, these guys are mine.

475

That coin that was, gave them

away, that was supposed to be

476

the signal to give them to me.

477

Like, get out of my way.

478

I'm going to, I'll take

care of this, you know?

479

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

480

So, they all leave.

481

They catch up a little.

482

Galen calls Alwyn out on the Gold

Dragon being, like, his calling card.

483

Laura: Yeah.

484

That made sense, though.

485

I was like, at least they, there was

a reason that Galen, like, hopped

486

to it to get involved in this.

487

Xhafer: Yeah.

488

And uh, Owen has them over for dinner.

489

Uh, We learn that he

is a former Technomage.

490

He has been removed from the Order.

491

He stayed in the galaxy as a protest

when the others decided to leave instead

492

of participate in the Shadow War.

493

Laura: Yeah.

494

This was interesting, and I really wanted

them to, like, connect the dots between

495

him getting kicked out for staying here

during the Shadow War and, like, the

496

responsibility he feels to these people.

497

Like, he's got some, like,

survivor's guilt about not Having

498

been able to do more in the

Shadow War, not explored at all.

499

Xhafer: Yet.

500

Just, just hold on.

501

Laura: Okay.

502

Xhafer: There, there's more about

the Technomages and the leaving

503

for the Shadow War to come.

504

Laura: Okay.

505

Alright.

506

Xhafer: We get some, there's

very specific reasoning for why.

507

Anyways yeah.

508

So Alwin makes clear that from

his perspective, he's tried

509

everything to end this peacefully.

510

And it's like, look, when they show up

with guns, they're leaving in boxes.

511

And then, you know, as he says this,

IceCube's natural born killas just

512

starts playing in the background.

513

Everyone puts on sunglasses.

514

Gets a lean on.

515

Yeah.

516

It's good stuff.

517

I really like that scene.

518

With the IceCube.

519

The uh, locals, um, move in the

night to halt the mining operation.

520

Shortly thereafter here

they kidnap a ton of people.

521

Laura: Yeah.

522

Hostages.

523

Let's talk fonts.

524

Let's fontcast this

525

Xhafer: Let's fontcast.

526

This is the exact moment I knew you

were going to want to talk about.

527

I knew immediately.

528

Because the villagers, like, stab a

note through the wall with a knife.

529

Which, have you ever done that before?

530

Laura: but it seems probably like one

of those things that's not as easy

531

as it always looks in the movies.

532

Xhafer: Oh, it's totally

as easy as it always looks.

533

It's super easy.

534

As long as you've got a decent knife, it's

535

Laura: Okay.

536

Sure.

537

I've probably never had

538

a,

539

decent knife.

540

Xhafer: I have done this.

541

I have also had a friend do this at an

apartment drunk off their ass in college.

542

And it's especially noteworthy because

he decided to do it by the front door,

543

and he did it right above the power box.

544

Laura: Oh,

545

Xhafer: like the, we were all just

like, Like, everything was fine.

546

Uh, He missed all the wires,

but he just threw a knife

547

through it right there to put a

548

Laura: Yeah.

549

Yeah.

550

Xhafer: terrifying in retrospect.

551

Laura: I want to know a

couple of things about this.

552

Xhafer: Yeah, let's talk.

553

Laura: Where did this agrarian

society get a printer?

554

Because this is clearly a font.

555

Xhafer: That is the exact thing I

have written in my notes, Laura.

556

Ha

557

Laura: The other thing is, where did

they get access to the Harry Potter font?

558

Because

559

Xhafer: movies

560

Laura: this is.

561

Xhafer: out yet!

562

Laura: Yeah, that's what this is.

563

This is, oh, maybe this is like an

early, you know, we're, we're testing

564

fonts for the next big magic book.

565

I don't know.

566

Xhafer: Hey Turner was part of Time

Warner, Warner Brothers made Harry Potter.

567

Laura: Oh,

568

Xhafer: that font's proprietary,

it might actually just been like

569

lurking in a database for them to use.

570

Laura: Crusade is now

canonical Harry Potter.

571

Xhafer: How you gonna

fuck this one up, Joanne?

572

Fuck you.

573

Anyways,

574

Laura: This, this note made me laugh.

575

There's just a lot of reasons.

576

Like, why didn't you have somebody

handwrite this, like, in a big marker?

577

Like, come on.

578

Xhafer: The only way this would have

been better, in my opinion, is if it

579

was the like, super stereotypical,

like, cut together newspaper magazine

580

stuff.

581

Because you know that society

doesn't have those things.

582

Laura: Mhmm.

583

Well, maybe they have a

subscription to Vogue.

584

Like, you don't know.

585

Xhafer: Space Vogue.

586

Laura: Cosmo.

587

Xhafer: They don't even

have to change their name!

588

Laura: I hope Cosmo makes

589

I don't know.

590

Just just for funds.

591

Xhafer: I really want Cosmo to

turn into a spacefaring magazine.

592

Laura: Me too.

593

Xhafer: It's so good.

594

Anyways we learned that

Galen was Alric's apprentice.

595

Laura: Yeah,

596

we remember him.

597

Xhafer: Yep, he's the one who

fucked with Veer back on B5.

598

We learned that Galen's parents

were both Technomages as well.

599

Another fucking Nepo, baby.

600

Laura: Oh yeah.

601

Xhafer: You just get

602

inducted in the order when your

parents are fucking techno maids.

603

You just get born into your

billion dollar lifestyle, Galen.

604

Instead of having to fuckin

earn it like the rest of us.

605

Laura: Well, so far all we've seen of

techno mages is like, middle aged to old

606

bald men and it is kind of nice White too.

607

Yeah.

608

It is kind of nice to know that

theoretically, well, we don't

609

know that Galen's parents were

mom and dad, but maybe women are

610

allowed to be techno mages too?

611

Xhafer: Yeah.

612

right now is this is just

what happens to Bezos.

613

Like, everyone who's super rich in

the future by the time you get to

614

Babylon 5, like, instead of inheriting

wealth, you just become a technomage

615

and that's just, that's just how

you flaunt your wealth around.

616

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

617

That's, that's what Elon and,

Bezos are all gunnin for it, right?

618

They want to

619

Xhafer: Yeah.

620

For sure.

621

For sure.

622

I mean, Bezos already's got the haircut.

623

Laura: Mm hmm.

624

Yeah.

625

The haircut is most of it, right?

626

Xhafer: For sure, it's haircuts and robes.

627

Word makes it to Gideon about the

miners being held by the locals.

628

And we see the asshole captain

send down his lieutenant and some

629

mobile infantry to handle it.

630

Laura: Yeah.

631

He's gung ho.

632

He's like, this is how you

earn your stripes, bro.

633

Like, get down there and bust some heads.

634

Combat.

635

Xhafer: You need some combat experience

if you ever gonna be promoted, son!

636

Laura: Yeah.

637

Bleh.

638

Xhafer: They fly through the

dragon on their way down.

639

And we've got, I'll just call him,

I didn't write down his actual name.

640

I'm calling him Lieutenant JGDB.

641

Cause he's junior grade douchebag.

642

Laura: Yeah, I like that.

643

Okay.

644

Xhafer: He pushes all the

locals at the inn down.

645

And starts making demands as Olwen

and Galen uh, show up in the inn.

646

No quicker, does he say, not to worry,

they're all holograms, than does

647

he get socked in the face by one?

648

Laura: Yeah.

649

Xhafer: Perfection.

650

Laura: I do like that.

651

That's, that's got like overtones

of Londo and the Hollow Demons.

652

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

653

Laura: Yeah.

654

Xhafer: I was here for it.

655

Laura: Pretty good.

656

Pretty good.

657

Xhafer: and Galen are just watching

this demon program destroy everything.

658

And they're just like talking

shop during this whole thing.

659

Like they're just completely

ignoring what it's actually doing.

660

It's under control, whatever.

661

Right.

662

And they're just like talking about

like the actual design and writing

663

of the program and code and stuff

in a very nonchalant manner while it

664

is running roughshod over everyone.

665

I have had this conversation.

666

I have been in a, like, Security session.

667

So in managed service provider world,

one thing that we off service that we

668

offer for our clients that they usually

take us up on is security testing.

669

So we'll do something called a pen

test and that could be a phishing

670

attempt or whatever, right?

671

Like we fake a phishing

email and send it to you.

672

So then, and we know who clicks

it so that we can, we can

673

yell at those people, right?

674

That kind of stuff.

675

And so I have been in a like war room at

the start of like an aggressive pen test.

676

That we are conducting

on one of our clients.

677

And we're just like watching it

run across their network as we're

678

just sitting here talking about

what it's doing very nonchalantly.

679

And I was just transported back

to that moment of my life while

680

watching this conversation take place.

681

Laura: is a very Babylon 5 conversation.

682

Like you could see Zack and Garibaldi

sitting there having a conversation

683

during something crazy happening

or Lockley and Sheridan having this

684

conversation.

685

Like this is that kind of

dialogue that I missed and we're

686

not getting nearly enough of.

687

Haha.

688

Haha.

689

Xhafer: greed.

690

Over on the Medusa, Lieutenant JGDB

reports that the mission failed and

691

that they are now all also hostages.

692

Laura: Oops.

693

I want more of Lt.

694

J.

695

G.

696

D.

697

D.

698

B.

699

Damn, I can't do it.

700

It's all yours.

701

Xhafer: it is six letters in my

notes too because I abbreviate

702

the lieutenant so it's LTJGDB.

703

Laura: Lower Decks journey now.

704

Like, things aren't going well for

you after you get taken hostage on the

705

mission to take back the hostages, right?

706

You're gonna be scrubbing

some decks, is all I'm saying.

707

Xhafer: over at all wins the bar.

708

Heep also, resistance leader wants to

press their advantage as all wind says.

709

They must let the hostages go.

710

And this is when his daughter collapses?

711

Laura: Hmm, yeah, apparently the

antiviral dust Not so good for the lungs.

712

Xhafer: take her up to the

Excalibur for their Med Bay.

713

Where our doctor, who I'm sure is an

interesting character, will handle

714

things, but we don't get to find

out anything more about that person.

715

Owen lectures the colonists

with some indignation here.

716

He's gonna settle this his way.

717

The Excalibur and the Medusa

talk as uh, Galen radios in.

718

He's To describe Alwyn's plan here, he

has set himself up in the mine, and he's

719

going to use the circular nature of the

mine as a reflection chamber to make a

720

beam that is going to destroy the Medusa.

721

Laura: Yeah, Gideon in between,

like, we're glossing over,

722

Gideon is really trying.

723

Like, he's saying like, you've gotta

stop mining this stuff right now,

724

it's killing their kids, like Uh,

there needs to be a different solution

725

and the Earth Force captain is just

like, no, I'm not going to do that.

726

Earth needs this stuff more than these

people's lives are worth, basically.

727

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

728

Laura: I mean, we don't even know

that this is going to be that

729

helpful against the Drak Plague.

730

I'm like, that's such a weak argument,

731

Xhafer: Agreed.

732

I mean, they do say that the mineral has

been showing promise in trials back home.

733

That's all we hear of it, though.

734

Laura: Yeah, it's so vague.

735

Also what's happening to the girl is

very vague, like they're just like,

736

oh, you know, you have to adjust

to small quantities of the mineral

737

over your whole life and she's been

exposed to too much through the dust

738

in the air and now she's dying and

it's like, well, what's happening?

739

Are her lungs failing?

740

Is it building up in her blood?

741

Can we get some more, like, details?

742

Otherwise, I just feel like

we're just kind of glossing

743

over it and it's not important.

744

Xhafer: How does this stuff work?

745

Is it replacing her white blood cells?

746

Like, is her body, is it

attacking her whole body now?

747

Like, just A line.

748

A line.

749

It's not hard.

750

And one of my classic metrics

of how good an episode is.

751

So,

752

Laura: Yeah.

753

Good point.

754

Continue.

755

Xhafer: So the Excalibur and the Medusa

are talking, the captain in the Medusa

756

here begs Gideon to just fucking fire the

lasers down on the surface to kill all

757

wind before he can blow up their ship.

758

Like you would let

these men and women die.

759

And he, at this point, he just seems to

be all like, well, you could just say

760

you're gonna move the mine and he'll stop

761

Laura: Yeah.

762

Sounds like you're going to

let these men and women die.

763

Xhafer: Right?

764

But, but this is the plan though.

765

Obviously, this is the plan.

766

Laura: Yeah.

767

I have a question.

768

Is this the gun that's firing the, like,

gun where we can't move afterwards?

769

Or is this just, like, regular guns?

770

Xhafer: This is the gun that

you can't move afterwards

771

because it comes from the arms.

772

When it's the death star and

it's the lasers that become

773

the big laser, that's the gun.

774

You can't fire afterwards when

it's just the normal guns.

775

It's only at the front of the ship.

776

Laura: Okay.

777

I feel like that should be clearer, like,

778

Xhafer: They showed us

that in call the arms when

779

Laura: yeah.

780

I don't know that it was super

maybe I wasn't watching close enough

781

because, you know, we're trying

to take notes at the same time.

782

Xhafer: I'm also making excuses

for a terrible TV show, so fuck me.

783

Like,

784

Laura: no, no, I

785

Xhafer: they could also explain it.

786

Laura: yeah, I feel like if it

was just one scene versus another

787

scene, I easily missed it because

I was making notes, like, if we saw

788

the guns fire and they were just

straightforward and then he's like,

789

no, more power and now it's Death Star.

790

Yeah, I, I totally missed that.

791

So I was like, okay, what, happening?

792

Like, is this the

793

Xhafer: would argue that

you've missed nothing.

794

Laura: Indeed.

795

Indeed.

796

Okay.

797

So we've destroyed the mine

at the same time as we've

798

Xhafer: Glassed that shit.

799

Yeah.

800

Laura: Yep.

801

So we've got to move the mine now.

802

So guess what, dude?

803

Like, if you just agreed to

move the mine, same effect here.

804

Xhafer: Right?

805

Gideon and the barkeep discuss the

colonists are going to help the miners

806

find a new location that is safe,

807

Laura: Yeah.

808

They feel a little guilty.

809

Xhafer: as well.

810

Laura: Mm hmm.

811

Xhafer: And we learn Alwyn

wasn't dead, because of course.

812

He waxes philosophical about uh,

kind of like the point of living,

813

like entering living memory becoming

legend, living on past your death.

814

know,

815

Laura: Yeah, and it was like time

to leave these people because they

816

specifically said in one of their heated

moments, like, we don't need reason.

817

We have this guy, and he's

like, no, they're abandoning

818

reason because of my power.

819

So it's time for me to go.

820

Xhafer: Yep.

821

Laura: that was a really powerful

message, actually, within this.

822

episode.

823

Xhafer: I would

824

Laura: Uh, because I definitely feel

like people around me have abandoned

825

reason because of the power they

think they have from their religion

826

and then the power that they have

actually from the systems around them.

827

And it's like, I would like

a little more reason, please.

828

Somebody, anybody.

829

Xhafer: Please.

830

Please.

831

Fuck.

832

We just had to watch those

two old fucks debate.

833

Laura: I didn't watch it.

834

I couldn't do it, man.

835

Xhafer: Oh, it's so bad.

836

Laura: yeah,

837

yeah,

838

What are we doing, guys?

839

What are we doing?

840

Xhafer: I saw a TikTok the other

day that has made me laugh more than

841

anything else in the last several weeks.

842

Laura: Uh Huh.

843

Xhafer: And it was a guy in the mirror,

and he's just fucking tired, right?

844

He's just so exhausted.

845

He's all like, It's happening again.

846

Somehow, we have to choose

between these two fucks.

847

Again.

848

It's like we're cursed.

849

It's like we built this country on

an ancient Indian burial ground.

850

Laura: Oh.

851

Hmm.

852

Hmm.

853

Xhafer: Oh fuck!

854

Anyways, the show.

855

I hope you're here for

anything but Crusade Pod.

856

Yeah,

857

Laura: in the forest.

858

We've gotta leave.

859

Uh, Alwyn's gonna get

back on the long road.

860

Xhafer: I am kind of sick.

861

So, originally, listener Ben was

going to join us for this episode.

862

And when Well, that's the only

reason he wanted this episode.

863

He has never seen Crusade.

864

And so he's all like, oh,

what are the episode titles?

865

Oh, that one, I can make a

Star Trek Enterprise joke.

866

Give me that one.

867

Literally what he said to me.

868

And I think he actually would

have really enjoyed talking

869

shit about this episode with us.

870

Laura: Oh, yeah.

871

Xhafer: This

872

has been a bit of a very coded episode.

873

Laura: yeah, it leans hard into that,

like, medieval fantasy stuff, which

874

I, I love the, the fantasy part of Babylon

5, like, you know, a lot of sci fi is

875

just grounded in hard science, right?

876

But in Babylon 5, there's some

fantastical, some mysterious, unexplained,

877

you know, science indistinguishable from

magic, like the technomages and then the

878

first ones and whatever.

879

And I like that.

880

I think the show is trying to lean

into it and it's not doing it.

881

Xhafer: Yeah.

882

It's trying.

883

It's trying real hard.

884

It's trying so hard that it's time

to rate this episode on a scale

885

of one to four main guns fired.

886

Laura: Okay.

887

Well.

888

You've already alluded to your scale about

dialogue, so let's go ahead and get your

889

Xhafer: Yeah, fair enough.

890

Um, as I have stated countless times

over the course of this podcast, if

891

I feel like I could make the episode

better with one line of dialogue,

892

To fix a thing with the plot.

893

To just explain just a little

bit more than was explained.

894

That drops it a whole rating for me.

895

Laura: Yeah.

896

Xhafer: That said, This

episode was stupid fun.

897

I really, I really actually genuinely

enjoyed this episode of Crusade.

898

Laura: Okay.

899

Xhafer: not good.

900

Laura: Uh Huh.

901

Xhafer: But it was fun.

902

It's fun in the way that

you watch a B movie.

903

and of everything we've seen between the

other episode and Call to Arms so far,

904

that moment with Galen and Alwyn talking

about stuff calmly while shit was going

905

everywhere felt very trademark B5 to

906

me.

907

Laura: Yeah.

908

That was a good moment.

909

Xhafer: And so I would probably start

this episode at a three out of four guns.

910

Laura: Mm hmm.

911

Xhafer: And after my

point reduction penalty.

912

I'm gonna say it's two

out of four main guns.

913

Laura: Okay, okay, I like that because

we're a little bit flip flopped on this

914

one and I'm not sure how it happened but

915

Xhafer: you hate this?

916

Laura: I didn't hate it.

917

That's too strong.

918

This one I felt much more, I felt very

indifferent to it, um, We were having

919

trouble staying awake during this one, and

immediately afterwards, I needed a nap.

920

Like, we finished this episode,

and then I took an hour nap.

921

Uh, So, I think I'm gonna give this

one main guns for one hour nap.

922

Oh,

923

Xhafer: week, we're skipping

ahead to episode eight

924

appearances and other deceits.

925

What a JMS fucking episode title.

926

Laura: yeah.

927

That's true.

928

That's classic, too.

929

Oh,

930

Xhafer: consciousness that

takes over the Excalibur's crew.

931

This also, from that description,

sounds like a good episode.

932

How will Crusade disappoint me this time?

933

Laura: It sounds like a very

TNG episode, doesn't it?

934

Xhafer: It does.

935

Laura: I'm sure we've done this

in Star Trek several times.

936

Xhafer: Yeah, most assuredly.

937

Laura: Every season.

938

I can picture this in TNG, Deep

Space Nine, and Voyager, and I'm

939

sure someone in the Discord can give

me the exact episodes, but yeah.

940

Yeah.

941

Xhafer: in that field house for sure.

942

You know what else is in our field house?

943

Saying thank you.

944

Thank you Jeremy Siegel

for our lovely theme music.

945

You can find more of Jeremy's

work at jeremysiegel42.

946

bandcamp.

947

com and on your favorite streaming

services as Nuclear Jaguar.

948

Laura: Yeah, and thank you

to Angry Duck Time Machine on

949

Instagram for our podcast artwork.

950

Xhafer: Aaron!

951

This is probably actually the

softball we're throwing here.

952

Laura: Yeah, yeah, this

one's a little better.

953

And

954

Xhafer: your contribution.

955

Laura: to you, the listener, for

being here on this crusade with us.

956

Ah, why didn't I say that last time?

957

God damn it.

958

Yeah,

959

Xhafer: Remember it for next up.

960

Laura: If you want to talk about

any thoughts you have on Crusade,

961

you can join us in the Discord or

send those to whoareyoub5 at gmail.

962

com.

963

We would love to hear from you.

964

Xhafer: And we'll see

you next week, internet.

965

Laura: Bye.

966

Xhafer: Bye.