For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Colin knew he had an anger problem. His wife knew it too. She asked him more than once to get help, but like many people struggling with anger, he convinced himself things weren't that bad. By the time he finally decided to do something about it, his marriage was over.

In this episode, Alastair shares Colin's story in his own words. It's an honest and deeply personal conversation about the real cost of untreated anger, the damage it can do to trust, communication, and family relationships and what happens when someone finally decides enough is enough.

You'll hear how pride, denial, impulsive reactions and learned family patterns kept Colin stuck for years. You'll also hear the difficult realisation that many of his behaviors—raising his voice, jumping to conclusions, becoming defensive and reacting without thinking—were patterns he had inherited and accepted as normal.

Most importantly, you'll hear how awareness, accountability and practical anger management tools helped him begin creating a different future for himself and his children.

This episode isn't about saving a marriage. It's about something equally important: refusing to let anger keep damaging the people you love. Colin's story is a reminder that change is possible, that breaking generational patterns is possible, and that the sooner you act, the less damage anger has the opportunity to cause.

If you've ever thought, "I've got this under control," or "It's not that bad," this conversation may be the wake-up call you need.

Anger Secrets is the podcast for men and women who want lasting anger management solutions and stronger relationships. Hosted by Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System, each episode explores anger control, emotional regulation, communication skills, and practical strategies for building calmer, happier, and more connected lives.

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Visit angersecrets.com.

Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

Book a free 30-minute anger assessment call

Colin knew he had an anger problem.

He'd known for years.

His wife had told him she'd asked him more than once to get help.

And he didn't.

Not because he didn't love her, not because he didn't love his kids, but because something in him kept saying, I've got this.

I don't need a course.

I'm not that bad.

He was wrong.

And by the time he finally admitted it, his 10 year marriage was over.

Today I want to share Colin's story because it's one of the most honest accounts of what uncontrolled anger actually costs that I've ever heard.

And because buried inside that cost is something genuinely powerful.

A man who decided the cycle stops with him.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm Alistair Dewes and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

Today's episode is a little different.

No frameworks, no tip lists.

Just one man's story, told in his own words about what anger took from him and what he's building now that he's doing something about it.

Colin is 38 years old.

He's a father of five, and for almost 10 years, he was married to a woman named Tanya.

By his own admission, he knew he had anger issues throughout that marriage.

His impulsiveness, his irrational thinking, the way he jumped to conclusions, the way he'd react before he'd thought anything through.

Tanya saw it.

She felt it.

She asked him multiple times to do something about it.

But Colin, like so many men I've worked with over the years, let his pride get in the way and he was reluctant to ask for help.

Ultimately, his anger led to the breakdown of their marriage.

To his credit, however, Colin enrolled in my online anger management program, the Complete Anger Management System.

After this marriage separation, sadly, it was too late to save his marriage.

But Colin was determined not to let his children experience the same angry environment he he had grown up in.

As a result, Colin committed himself to change.

Here is part of a recent conversation I had with Colin.

I am 38 years old.

I have five children.

I've been in a relationship for almost 10 years.

It's dissolved probably about seven months ago.

I was asked multiple times through our relationship to do anger management I was always too proud and didn't realize I needed to do the course.

It wasn't until my relationship dissolved and I realized what I lost.

I decided maybe I should give this a go and see what it's about.

I wish I'd done it years ago.

I wish I'd done it like so many years ago.

Took me to lose everything, to pull my head out of the sand and to address my issues and where my issues have come from and the damage it's caused.

Thank you.

So what kind of anger issues did you have?

Impulsiveness, irrational thinking, jumping to conclusions, mind reading.

Just.

Yeah, just toxic impulsive behaviors.

And what sort of effect was this.

Having on your partner?

Hurt.

Distrust.

She couldn't open up to me because she was afraid of my reactions, of her being honest.

A bit of fear, yeah.

All those bad things really.

So what was it like starting my anger management course?

Painful.

It was a realization that everything that I was doing was written on paper like intergenerational learned behaviors.

I was mimicking what I learned as a child, what I saw as normal.

I didn't see these as toxic bad things.

This is just how you deal with a situation.

This is how you talk to somebody when you're frustrated.

This is the way you act.

You slam doors, you raise your voice, you yell threats, you call names.

These are all things that I saw as normal.

These are all the things I was doing that were toxic and destructive.

What was it like to realize that?

Painful, disappointing, embarrassed, regretful, pretty difficult feelings.

Oh yeah.

Yep.

And now that you've realized you're acting.

In that way, what are you doing differently?

Paying attention to my attention scale.

Knowing when to put my hand up and say, this is a difficult conversation.

Can I please have 10 minutes?

And I'll go away and I'll go and think.

And it's like I used to put my hand up and say I need time to go have time out and think.

But I never used to use that in a positive way.

I used to go and do my time out in a sense, whether it was go to the garage or go to the yard or go to my room or whatever.

But I would continue to down spiral on everything and get myself worked up.

So when I came back in 10 minutes, I was no better.

I wasn't clear headed, I wasn't thinking rationally, I was mind reading.

I was preempting what the next conversation would be and I was preloaded with what my response would be to those.

So I didn't use that in a positive way.

Doing the course has taught me how to do that better and how to use that time better.

Yeah, cool.

And how much do you think you've changed so far as a result of doing the course?

I am now conscious of my words and my actions and their effects.

I have slipped up and I have resorted back to my anger and bits and pieces.

Sometimes I do catch myself out sometimes.

Or she'll say to me, hey, you're raising your voice.

And not always when I raise my voice, I'm angry.

It's like sometimes we're having a difficult conversation and there is emotion attached to what words I'm saying or the feelings that are coming up when I'm saying it.

As soon as she sees that, I'm like, oh, take a breath.

And then I start again, reword it, and just be more clear with my message.

It sounds impressive.

Definitely sounds like you've made changes.

How fast do you think you've made these changes?

I've been doing this course now, I think for about five weeks.

I'm a lot more conscious of my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, and the action that comes from those.

I think about that daily.

I was talking to my boy today because he's misbehaving in class and stuff.

And I was like, you need to practice these things.

It's like learning to walk or riding a bike.

You fall off or you'll fall over multiple times before it becomes second nature.

And that's how I'm relating this course to me.

Yes, I'm going to fall off my bike a few times, but if I keep practicing it and just keep focused on it, it will get to a point where it's second nature and I don't have to think about it because this is the way it will be.

It's reprogramming.

I'm 38 years old.

I've been this way, what, 20 something plus years?

What would you say to someone else who was in your situation, like a couple of months ago who's thinking about doing the course?

You don't know what you got, what's gone.

Think about it.

Take a breath, walk away, get help.

You know, you don't always have to be right.

If she's saying something, clearly there is some meaning attached to what she's saying.

There's a reason she's saying it.

Don't be so bold.

You don't have to be right all the time.

Listen to her.

Because she's saying something for a reason.

Yeah, it sounds like you're thinking about things from your partner's Perspective a lot more.

Yep.

A hundred percent, yeah.

Anything else you'd like to say before we finish?

I wish I'd done this course years ago, before I had kids.

Like, my grandfather used to beat my father severely, throw him down the stairs and all these types of things.

My father had to sleep in the wardrobe to avoid a beating, but he used to get found and he used to get beaten for that.

I used to get beaten.

I used to get the bamboo stick, I used to get PVC pipe.

I used to get a whole lot of undesirable things.

Now I've got children, I don't beat them, but I'll take away their privileges.

No PlayStation, no electronics.

Go sit by the gate for five minutes or whatever.

You come back, you think about what you've done.

So what I'm trying to do is put a stop to that cycle that I was brought up with, my father was brought up with and his father was brought up with.

So the next generation don't have to go with that.

They got tools and better ways of getting their point across or disciplining in a bit more positive way than inflicting pain because you've done something wrong.

That's really powerful.

Do you think you can become that person who breaks the cycle?

I already have.

Yeah.

I have, yeah.

Nice.

Appreciate that.

Anything else you'd like to say?

No, just thank you.

Just thank you for making this framework and having it so readily available and making it easy to print off the paperwork and go over it and fill out the questionnaires and the quizzes and watch the videos, and you can do it at your own pace.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

And so just maybe one more question.

What's it like doing an online course?

I managed erratic hours.

I'm a roofer.

So, like, my work is based on the weather.

So if it was a class that I had to attend, I couldn't always attend a class.

But with the course, if I can't sleep or instead of scrolling through social media, I can log in and I can watch a video and then I can print off the paperwork and I can fill out the paperwork at my own leisure.

So that is really good because I don't have that strain of having to be somewhere at a certain time and miss a class and fall behind.

These are things that I can go back to and watch multiple times, because you're not always going to make the same mistake.

These papers are something you can relate to three or four different ways you've handled a situation wrong.

So that's what I do.

You analyze, you realize where you went wrong, and then you realize where you could have gone better.

And then you practice that.

Cool.

Anything else you want to talk about tonight now?

That was really good.

Thank you, Alistair.

I really appreciate.

I found your course and I'm still doing your course today.

I'm doing it for me and I'm doing it for my kids.

And to be able to learn this so I can pass on these tools to my kids so they don't go down the same road and have the same outcome I did.

If you're listening to this and something in Colin's story sounds familiar, the pride, the waiting, the sense that you've got it handled, I want to ask you something directly.

What are you waiting for?

Not to be cruel, but because I've sat across from too many men who came to me after the marriage ended, after the kids stopped trusting them, after the damage was done.

And every single one of them said some version of the same thing Colin said.

I wish I'd done this sooner.

You don't have to wait until you've lost everything to decide you want something better.

Help is here.

Now, before it gets to that point, head over to angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me.

We'll talk about what's going on for you honestly, without judgment, and map out what real change looks like.

My free training is there [email protected] training and remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.