What do you do when a friendship starts making you question yourself?

In this episode of Dare To Be Iconic, Amanda Paolicelli gets honest about the ugly side of friendship—the part we don’t always talk about when jealousy, insecurity, dishonesty, and comparison start changing the dynamic. Drawing from a friendship that deteriorated after Amanda moved to New York City, she shares what happened when someone else’s behavior began shaping the way she saw herself.

Amanda breaks down the red flags that made her realize the friendship was no longer what she thought it was, why you should never have to shrink yourself to make someone else comfortable, and how to recognize when another person’s insecurity is being projected onto you.

She also introduces the Friendship Audit, a series of questions to help you take an honest look at your friendships—including whether your friends celebrate your growth, respect your boundaries, tell you the truth, and leave you feeling more like yourself.

Amanda challenges the idea that friendship is about keeping score and reminds you that being affected by someone doesn’t mean they won. Sometimes disrupting a friendship means letting go of the story someone else created about you—and deciding what you believe about yourself instead.

And before we go, Amanda brings you Amanda’s Iconic Insights—three things she knows now that she didn’t know then about protecting your identity, refusing to carry someone else’s insecurity, and continuing to shine without needing everyone to understand your growth.

Because the right friendships should give you room to grow—not make you feel like you need to become less of yourself.

Connect with Amanda:

Follow Amanda's DTBI Journey!

Secure your spot for our next Empowerment Event!

Shop the "Own Your Sexy" Collection!

Discover your iconic signature scent with Oakcha!

Got a question for Amanda or a topic you'd love to hear discussed on a future episode? Submit your question to the "Dare To Be Iconic Hotline" today!

Timestamps:

00:00 Ugly Friendship Truths

03:23 When Jealousy Creeps In

05:33 Red Flags & Self-Doubt

09:08 Stop Shrinking Yourself

11:08 Choose Your Circle

12:38 Friendship Audit Questions

14:04 Patterns, Not Scores

14:25 Disrupt the Taboo

18:20 Amanda’s Iconic Insights

19:16 Final Shine Brighter

P.S. We’re halfway to 100 YouTube subscribers! 👀 Subscribe to the channel here and help us hit 100—because when we do, I might have a little giveaway up my sleeve… 👀🎁

What's up, radiant icons, and welcome back to Dare to

2

Be Iconic, the podcast made for icons

who are daring to be themselves.

3

I'm your host, Amanda Paolicelli, and for

today's tea time sesh, radiant icons, we

4

are spilling the tea on something that

I do not believe we talk about enough,

5

which is the ugly side of friendship.

6

And I know for a fact that we don't talk

about it enough, because before I pressed

7

record on this very episode, I found this

topic nowhere on the internet, which means

8

obviously I have to spill the tea and have

a tea time sesh with you guys about it.

9

Because I never knew this

type of friendship existed

10

until I experienced it myself.

11

Because I feel like we talk about

friendships a lot, radiant icons, right?

12

We talk about friendship breakups.

13

We talk about growing apart.

14

We talk about betrayal.

15

We talk about outgrowing people.

16

We talk about that friend who

wasn't really your friend.

17

You know what I'm saying, radiant icons?

18

But, you know, we don't talk about

the part of friendship where it

19

hasn't necessarily ended, right,

but something about that friendship

20

starts making you question yourself.

21

It makes you question your own self-worth.

22

So what happens when someone else's

jealousy becomes an attempt to

23

make you question who you are, to

make you question your own worth?

24

What does that look like, radiant icons?

25

And again, I didn't understand

this side of friendship until I

26

experienced it myself, and it has been

a long-ass jour- actually, not long.

27

It's been, uh, you know, no.

28

How do I say it?

29

It's like the friendship was about

probably two years long, but the downfall

30

of a relationship was very recently,

and that was in the last six months.

31

But it was rampant during the last

three months, which was when I landed

32

in New York City, and that's when

everything really took a turn for

33

the worse and I was able to see the

actions of this person in person.

34

I don't know how else to

describe it other than that.

35

We are talking about jealousy, we're

talking about insecurity, and we're

36

gonna talk about what happens when

someone else's issues start getting

37

projected onto you, and we're gonna

talk about something I think a lot

38

of women have experienced but don't

necessarily have the language for,

39

which is shrinking yourself so someone

else can feel comfortable around you.

40

And I just have to say,

radiant icons, fuck that shit.

41

We are disrupting that belief that we

have to shrink ourselves in order to make

42

someone else comfortable with who we are.

43

That's a bunch of fucking

bullshit, radiant icons.

44

And well, today's tea time sesh,

ooh, we're just, we're just kicking

45

it off with some spice, shall we?

46

But like, let's just get

into it, radiant icons, okay?

47

Okay.

48

Are you ready?

49

Because your tea time

sesh is starting now.

50

So here's the thing, radiant icons.

51

I did not realize how much this particular

friendship was affecting me until we got

52

to August of this year, and that's really

when everything just, like, blew the fuck

53

up, if I'm being just so honest with you.

54

Like, August was when I was in full

bloom, and it was a fucking mess.

55

It was so uncomfortable.

56

It was so triggering.

57

It was, like, a lot.

58

I was processing a lot.

59

I was going through a lot,

and it particularly had to

60

do with this friendship.

61

And I want to start off by saying that I

did not go into this friendship thinking

62

that this person was going to hurt me.

63

I don't think we go into any type

of relationship anticipating that

64

someone is going to hurt us, okay?

65

Like, let me just be so for real.

66

But the matter of the fact or the

reality of the situation is, is that

67

we all will hurt someone in our lives.

68

I just truly did not think that

this individual was capable of

69

hurting me to the degree that they

hurt me, and it, like, dug deep.

70

So this individual that I am

no longer friends with, I, I

71

genuinely did care for this person.

72

I cared for them.

73

I showed up for them.

74

I gave them so many chances.

75

I gave them so many opportunities

to communicate with me.

76

I really did try to understand them, and

I think that's the part of what makes

77

this experience so difficult, is that

when you are in a relationship with

78

someone, right, whether it's platonic,

romantic, familial, when you care about

79

someone and you're in that relationship

with someone, you don't immediately

80

assume the worst of them, right?

81

You give them benefit of the doubt,

and sometimes as caring individuals,

82

we give people too much grace.

83

We give people the benefit of the

doubt too many times, and that's

84

exactly what happened to me.

85

Because when I was giving this person

the benefit of the doubt, I was kinda

86

asking myself these questions of like,

"Maybe I'm like misunderstanding this.

87

Like, maybe they didn't mean it this way.

88

Like, you know, maybe I'm

being too sensitive here.

89

Like, maybe it's my trauma.

90

Like, maybe I'm giving a

trauma response right now.

91

Like, maybe there's just

something I'm missing."

92

In hindsight, it's 20/20.

93

I wasn't missing anything.

94

It's just their actions.

95

But like anyway, I digress, radiant icons.

96

You know, like I, I think that's

where things really did start

97

getting complicated for me,

because I kept on giving this

98

person the benefit of the doubt.

99

I didn't want to assume the worst

of them, um, even though their

100

actions really did not make sense.

101

It didn't make sense whatsoever.

102

And when I kept on giving this person

the benefit of the doubt, and I kept

103

giving them grace, and I kept on giving

them understanding, all I got in return

104

was someone who broke my trust, someone

who was compulsively lying to me.

105

I got invasive questions about

the trauma I experienced.

106

I got comments about my personality,

whether it was to my face or

107

behind my back, comments that

genuinely made me start questioning

108

how I was being perceived.

109

It eventually really made me feel

like my growth and my accomplishments

110

wasn't being celebrated by this person,

and something was just truly off.

111

Like, something just wasn't adding

up, and I couldn't quite put my

112

finger on it because I didn't have the

language for what I was experiencing.

113

All I knew was that it made me extremely

uncomfortable, and it started to have

114

me doubt myself and really question,

like, how I was being perceived.

115

And when that doubt started creeping

in, I knew that this no longer was a

116

friendship problem, that this was a

self-concept, self-perception problem.

117

And the only reason why this

self-concept, self-perception

118

problem was blooming, right, was

because of that person's actions.

119

And their behavior really did start making

me think about myself, and questioning

120

myself, and questioning who I am.

121

And I was just asking myself these

questions of like, "Am I too much?

122

Do I talk about myself a lot?

123

Do I X, Y, and Z?"

124

Like, everything I heard that they

said about me that was so, so poor

125

and so f- fucking far from the

truth, I started really internalizing

126

and questioning myself about it.

127

And genuinely, I realized at

that point, Radiant Icons, that

128

it was this person's insecurity

that was making me doubt myself.

129

And that's the part that no

one talks about, radiant icons.

130

We're so focused on is

this person a bad friend?

131

Well, yes they are, obviously, right?

132

But we don't talk about what

is this relationship doing

133

to the way I see myself.

134

Your community, your circle of friends

should be people that uplift you, that

135

support you, that believe in you, that

should encourage you to be your best

136

self and accept every version of you.

137

The whole premise of daring to be iconic

is daring to be yourself, and that means

138

every version of you, radiant icons.

139

That means the ambitious one.

140

That means the loud one.

141

That means the smart one.

142

That means the quiet one.

143

That means the emotional one.

144

That means the badass one.

145

That means the iconic one.

146

Every single version of you is the

version of you that they should accept.

147

They should accept all of you

because you are daring to be

148

every single version of yourself.

149

That's what makes you so

fucking iconic, genuinely.

150

And, like, it's just crazy that this girl

had me, like, start questioning myself

151

And I was questioning my own worth

because of her actions, because of her

152

insecurity, because of how she was making

me feel about myself because she couldn't

153

accept how brightly I was shining.

154

She wanted me to dull my light so that

she could feel better about herself.

155

That's why she was acting that way.

156

She was so jealous, she had to

act the way that she did because

157

she was trying to cut me down.

158

She was trying to make me smaller.

159

She was trying for me to shrink

myself, and well, that didn't

160

fucking work because look at me now.

161

In fact, don't even look at me now,

look at me throughout all of that.

162

I still shined.

163

In fact, I shined even brighter.

164

I never dimmed my light

because of her poor actions.

165

It made me question myself, sure.

166

It would make anyone question themselves,

no matter how confident you are.

167

Jealousy itself is human.

168

Someone can be insecure.

169

That is right.

170

Someone can be insecure.

171

Someone can compare

themselves to you, true.

172

Someone can have a moment where your

success triggers something inside of them.

173

Again, true.

174

Of course, that's normal.

175

That's human, right?

176

What's not normal, what's honestly

inhumane if you ask me, is

177

feeling insecure and repeatedly

acting on that insecurity in ways

178

that diminishes someone else.

179

And that is the distinction

I had to learn the hard way,

180

because I can have compassion

for someone else's insecurities.

181

I can understand where that

individual's behavior stems from, right?

182

Where it might come from something that

they're struggling with internally.

183

But I do not have to volunteer

to be the punching bag for it.

184

Clearly have learned a lot from this

experience, but one of the most important

185

things that I've learned from this entire

ordeal is that you should be selective

186

on who gets access to you, radiant icons,

especially as you are becoming, right?

187

Your circle does matter in this process.

188

While you are becoming, you

are building your life, you

189

are figuring out who you are.

190

You are becoming the most iconic version

of you, and while you are in this

191

process, you should be surrounded by

healthy friendship, healthy friendship

192

that encourages you and supports

you and uplifts you and is safe and

193

there's mutual growth and honesty.

194

Like, your friends do not have to

agree with everything you do, right?

195

There is a difference between someone

telling you what you need to hear

196

and someone repeatedly saying things

that make you question your worth.

197

And so while you are being selective on

who gets access to you, radiant icons,

198

in this stage of your life, in this

stage of becoming, I challenge you to ask

199

yourself the question: Who am I becoming

around the people I call my friends?

200

Do I feel more like myself around

them, or do I feel less like myself?

201

Do I feel celebrated, or do

I just feel tolerated, right?

202

Do I feel safe about being excited

about my life, or do I feel

203

like I have to shrink myself?

204

Which leads me to a little

friendship audit, radiant icons.

205

So get out your pen and paper again

because we're doing it J-14 style

206

for all my Gen Z radiant icons that

lived in the golden age of teen pop.

207

so, like, let's just get into it.

208

Okay.

209

I want you to think about the people

closest to you and answer these

210

questions honestly, radiant icons.

211

One, does your friend celebrate your wins?

212

A, they genuinely celebrate with me.

213

B, they find a way to minimize them.

214

Two, do they encourage your growth?

215

A, they're excited to see me evolve.

216

B, they seem more comfortable

when I'm struggling.

217

Three, do they tell you the

truth because they love you?

218

A, I know their honesty comes from love.

219

B, their criticism consistently

makes me question my worth.

220

Four, do they respect your boundaries?

221

A, they respect them.

222

B, they make me feel

guilty for having them.

223

Five, are they happy when you shine?

224

A, they love seeing me shine.

225

B, they seem to need me to be smaller.

226

Six, how do you feel after

spending time with them?

227

A, I feel like myself.

228

B, I leave questioning myself.

229

Okay, radiant icons, that

is your friendship audit.

230

I do not want you to obsess over

whether you got more As or Bs.

231

This is how we're doing it Dare

To Be Iconic style and not J-14.

232

J-14, you would focus on the A or Bs.

233

In Dare To Be Iconic, you're

focusing on the pattern.

234

Is it a pattern or is

it an isolated incident?

235

Patterns matter, radiant icons.

236

I just wanna take a moment to talk

directly to you, radiant icons, about

237

what we've spilt the tea on today,

which is the ugly side of friendship

238

that involves jealousy and insecurity

and self-doubt and self-perception.

239

I know I am not the only person

who has ever experienced what

240

I have spoken about today.

241

I know I am not the only person that has

experienced self-doubt because of someone

242

else's jealousy being projected onto me,

or insecurities being projected onto me.

243

I know I'm not alone in this.

244

I know it's a very normal thing that

a lot of us deal with and experience,

245

but we don't really talk about it.

246

It's kind of like taboo in a

way, but it shouldn't be taboo.

247

That's why I decided to disrupt that

taboo-ness today because this should

248

be something that we talk about.

249

We should disrupt this idea that we

feel like we have to shrink ourselves

250

to make ourselves more digestible or

palatable for someone else, that we

251

have to dim our light because someone

doesn't feel full within themselves.

252

You know?

253

Like, haters are gonna hate radiant icons.

254

That's the matter of the fact.

255

Jealous bitches are

gonna be jealous bitches.

256

That's on period.

257

But you should never have to shrink

yourself to keep a friendship.

258

In fact, if you feel like that, that

person is not your friend, and you

259

should not have them in your circle

because, again, community matters.

260

Your circle matters.

261

Your friends matter

while you are becoming.

262

You should have friends that, again,

support and love you and encourage

263

you and accept every version of

you as you dare to be yourself.

264

And when I say dare to be

yourself, I mean every version of

265

you, like I mentioned beforehand

266

We radiant icons are multifaceted

and multi-hyphenated.

267

We have so many beautiful,

amazing, iconic sides to us, and

268

we should embrace all of them.

269

We should never be ashamed or embarrassed

or made to feel like we have to change

270

ourselves or mold ourselves to someone

else's idea of who we should be.

271

We should never change who we are,

never, ever, ever, to make someone more

272

comfortable with the icon that you are.

273

It's almost like, um, what Samantha

Jones said in Sex and the City.

274

You guys probably saw it on my, my

Instagram and on my TikTok, but I

275

did do it, um, a little reel to it,

a video to it, where If I worried

276

about what every bitch in New York

said about me, I would never leave

277

the house, and that's on period

278

Why should I worry about what

someone else thinks about me, what

279

someone else says about me, what

someone's perception of me is?

280

I shouldn't, because I know who I am.

281

I love who I am.

282

You should love who you are.

283

You should embrace every part of you.

284

You should not worry about what other

losers, and yeah, they're losers, they're

285

losers for making you feel that way.

286

You should not have to worry about what

losers say about you or think about you.

287

But it does.

288

It happens, right?

289

We're human.

290

We are human.

291

It's okay for it to mess with

your emotions a little bit.

292

It's okay.

293

You're human.

294

But as long as you know that you

should never have to dim your light

295

to make someone else feel okay with

how brightly you're shining, then

296

that's okay with me, radiant icons.

297

Then I've done my fucking job, okay?

298

Now let's get to Amanda's iconic insights.

299

These are three things I know

now that I didn't know then.

300

Iconic insight number one: someone

else's insecurity is not your identity.

301

You can understand why someone behaves

the way that they do, radiant icons,

302

without allowing their behavior

to change how you see yourself.

303

insight number two: being

affected doesn't mean they won.

304

Yes, someone can hurt you, radiant icons.

305

That is true.

306

It can get in your head, it can make you

question yourself, and it can shake your

307

confidence, but it does not mean they won.

308

You are allowed to be affected,

and you are allowed to admit

309

that something has hurt you, but

it does not mean that they won.

310

And my last iconic insight, Iconic

insight number three, they tried

311

to disrupt your self-concept.

312

Your disruption is refusing

to let them define it.

313

Just shine brighter, radiant icons.

314

All right, radiant icons.

315

That is your tea time sesh for today.

316

If you enjoyed today's episode,

make sure to subscribe, to leave

317

a rating, a review, to tell your

friends about us, to tell everyone and

318

anyone because you know we have what?

319

Say it with me now.

320

More radiant icons in our

iconic community of ours.

321

Oh, my goodness, radiant icons.

322

Today's tea time sesh was a lot,

but I hope you feel less alone.

323

I hope you feel less alone because we do

not talk about this side of friendship.

324

We don't talk about how ugly it can

get and how much it can affect us.

325

But you know what?

326

It's okay because we're gonna shine even

fucking brighter, and that's on period.

327

So keep on daring to disrupt.

328

Keep on daring to be

iconic, radiant icons.

329

I love you so damn much.

330

I cannot wait for next

week's tea time sesh.

331

Make sure to subscribe so you can get

that little notification bell when

332

I drop the new tea time sesh, which

is Wednesdays at 7:00 AM Eastern.

333

Anyway, I'll just chat

with y'all next week.

334

Remember, radiant icons,

dare to be iconic.

335

Bye.