Welcome to the third episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. In this episode Officer Steins grows tired of being a Horse-Man and with the help of some new friends he tries to get back to his own reality. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, David Dykes, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Suarez, and Maelle Jayet.

Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com

[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22, we found Officer Stein's transported to another

reality 2.5 degrees different from his own.

In this reality Stein's was a horse-man with hooves, a tail, and an enormously long slong.

And his partner Holloway was 2.5 degrees more of an asshole.

[CB Radio] Suspects last seen leaving Mel’s Liquor on Mulberry.

Approach with caution.

They are believed to be armed and dangerous.

[Officer Holloway] What's cooking your caboose?

[Officer Steins] I don't want to complain, but it's a lot harder being a horse-man than

I expected.

[Officer Holloway] Sounds like someone needs a treat.

Why don't you check the glove box.

[Officer Steins] Don't treat me like like I'm your pet.

[Holloway] Come on, have a look in the glove box.

[Steins] Forget it.

I'm just gonna find a carrot in there like the last two times.

[Holloway] Don't get all Seabiscuit on me.

[Steins] Now you're gonna tell me how to act.

I'll go straight up Pegasus on your ass.

[Holloway] Pegasus?

[Steins] You know, the winged horse from Clash of the Titans.

[Holloway] Just have a peek in the glove box.

You won't be sorry.

[Steins] If it will shut you up, I'll have a look.

[Holloway] All right, what's it gonna be?

Maybe you'll find a nice cigar or a flask of whiskey.

[Steins] Yep, it's a carrot.

[Holloway] Whoa, not just any carrot.

That's a Malbec.

[Steins] Great!

Thanks!

[Holloway] Don't give me that.

Everybody knows horses love carrots.

[Steins] I'm a horse-man, horse-MAN.

[Holloway] Give me that carrot.

That's the last time I go to the farmers market for you.

[Holloway crunches away on the carrot.]

[Holloway] You know, if you don't feel comfortable as a horse-man, there are things you can do.

[Steins] I've tried wearing bell-bottoms.

I just looked like a horse-man from the 70s.

[Holloway] But you feel like a man, trapped inside a horse-man's body?

[Steins] It's a bit more complex than that.

[Holloway] It always is.

But seriously there are things you can do.

[Steins] I've tried hiding my tail in my pants.

I just looks like I've got a massive hemorrhoid.

[Holloway] No, I'm talking about a real solution.

I'm talking about surgery.

[Steins] You can do that?

[Holloway] Sure, horse folk do it all the time.

A little snip snip and you're all good.

[CB Radio] Got reports of an assault on Clydesdale Lane.

Suspect is a horse male.

Victim is a cow female.

[Steins] That's less than 5 miles away from here.

[Holloway] Yeah, I think we should pass.

How about instead we go pick up some churros.

[Steeins] What are you talking about?

If we go there now, we'll be the first on the scene.

We'll bag the guy and get all the credit.

[Holloway] Yeah, you know, it's across the tracks.

[Steins] I'm not following you.

[Holloway] It's in horse country.

[Steins on CB] This is Squad Car 22.

We're heading over to Clydesdale Lane.

[CB Radio] Copy That.

[Holloway] Ah man, would you do that for?

[Steins] Step on it.

[Musical Interlude]

[Holloway] I think that's them.

[Steins] The horse-man and cow-woman in front of the barbershop?

[Holloway] It looks like she's got a black eye.

[Steins] Let's check it out.

[They drive over, and get out of the vehicle.]

[Colt 46] Now be a good heifer and keep your mouth shut.

[Cow Girl] That ain't what you were saying 10 minutes ago.

[Steins] Sir, would you step over here.

We need to have a word with you.

[Colt 46] What brings you all to horse country?

[Holloway] We got people calling in saying they've seen someone beating on a cow lady.

[Colt 46] I wasn't talking to you.

I was speaking to the horse-man here.

What pedigree are you?

[Steins] Huh?

[Colt 46] Looks to me like you got a bit of Appaloosa in ya.

Maybe some Mustang.

[Steins] Umm, I couldn't say.

[Colt 46] That's cuz jockeys like your partner here don't want you to know.

They've done everything they can to erase the horse-man's history.

[Holloway] Thanks for the lesson, but we're here on police business.

[Colt 46] You know what a stable is?

[Steins] Isn't it like part of a barn?

[Colt 46] Horse folks was meant to run free, across the desert plains, down through the

forest valleys, but equestrians like this one built prison camps and locked us up.

They call them stables.

[Cow Girl] Ain't y'all gonna ask me if I'm alright?

I mean that's why you're here.

[Steins] Sorry, what's your name?

[Cow Girl] Pauline but everybody around here just calls me Cow Girl.

[Steins] Did this man strike you?

[Cow Girl] What do you think?

[Steins] Would you like to press charges?

[Colt 46] Well hold on now.

I think you're forgetting there's two sides to every story.

[Holloway] You can tell us all about it down at the station.

[Colt 46] She's the one who got ornery.

I just defended myself.

[Steins] Sir, put out your wrist so I can cuff them.

[Colt 46] I know it ain't decent, but have a gander.

[Colt 46 unbuckles his belt and drops is pants and drawers.]

[Holloway] Hey put your pants back on.

[Colt 46] Sorry to have to...

[Holloway] Oh!

That.. that's gnarly.

[Steins] There's teeth marks.

[Holloway] And it's kind of green with purple splotches.

[Steins] Ma'am put your wrists out.

We're placing you under arrest.

[Cow Girl] Me?

[Holloway] Can we bring her in for murder?

I mean it looks murdered?

[Steins] Maybe manslaughter like she slaughtered his manhood.

[Colt 46] You all can jest, but this is serious.

[Steins] I'm sorry sir.

What she did to you.. it's.. it's just not right.

Can I offer you a ride to the emergency room?

[Colt 46] I think I can find my own way.

[They place Cow Girl in the back of the squad car.]

[Holloway starts the car and speeds down the road.]

[Holloway] Happy now?

We could have spent our night at the Yucateca Taco truck, but instead we saw something that

will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

[Steins] You know, in this reality, you're kind of an asshole.

[Cow Girl] What do you mean in this reality?

[Holloway] Don't listen to him.

He's just having a bad day.

[Cow Girl] You end up in the wrong reality?

[Steins] Let's just say I've been feeling out of place.

[Cow Girl] I can get you back.

[Holloway] Yeah I'm sure the hooking heifer can help you out.

[Cow Girl] I was born with a gift.

[Holloway] I'm sure you were.

[Steins] Pull over.

[Holloway] What?

[Steins] Stop the car.

[Holloway] Nah, from here on out we're doing things Chauncey's way.

I'm calling the shots

[Holloway turns on the radio]

[Song Lyrics] Omar al-Bashir.

Fidel Castro.

President Bush.

President Bush.

President Bush.

[Holloway] Pretty good song.

Pre-tty good.

[Steins] Really you're stopping here?

Holloway rolls down the window.

[Holloway] Good evening George.

[George] Oh Mr. Chauncey, what we have tonight?

I've got regular churros, chocolate churros, and my new specialty: truffle churros.

[Holloway]Truffle churros, ehh?

[George] Oh it's so good.

You're gonna love it Mr. Chauncey.

[Holloway] Sure, why not.

[George hands him the churros] [Holloway] Mmh, smells good.

[George] That'll be $16.75.

[Holloway] Whoa, $16.75 for churros?

[George] It’s not easy to get truffles these days.

First you gotta train the pig.

And then you got to take him to the woods...

[Steins] Come on Cow Lady, time to send me home.

[Steins opens the back seat door.]

[Cow Girl steps out.]

[Cow Girl] Now this might sound a little strange, but I swear it's all true.

[Steins] Go on.

[Cow Girl] When I fart I tear open the universe.

And a lot of times objects from that other reality will appear.

Sometimes it's something small like a toaster.

Other times it's something larger like a couch.

One time I ripped once so big a hole Dunkin Donuts appeared.

[Steins] And this helps me, how?

[Cow Girl] Well the objects only appear for a few seconds and then poof they go back to

their world.

So I'm thinking if you grab hold of the object...

[Steins] I'll be transported back to my reality.

[Cow Girl] Now tell me about an object in your world.

When I get to tooting, I need to be picturing it.

[Steins] My world..

hmm..

It's difficult to say.

[Cow Girl] Hurry it up.

I can feel one coming on.

[Steins] I mean I guess the one thing I love more than anything else would be...

[Cow Girl] I can't hold it in much longer.

[Steins] My squad car.

I love my squad car.

[Cow Girl let’s out a resounding fart.]

[Cow Girl] Holy shit, I farted out a bike.

[Steins] What I'm not a bicycle cop anymore.

[Cow Girl] You best hurry up and grab it.

[Steins grabs the bike.]

[He is instantly transported back to his reality.]

[Steins] Whoa, that reentry is kind of bumpy.

Looks like my tail and hooves are gone.

And the town seems right.

[Squad Car 22 comes barreling down the street and comes to a stop.]

[Holloway] There you are.

Get in the car.

I'm trying to get us to the pier as quick as possible.

[Steins] You can't end the episode on a cliffhanger.

[Holloway] What?

[Steins] I need to say my line.

[Holloway] Then hurry up and do it.

[Steins] You're not being very...

[Holloway] Do it!

[Steins] I guess that's that.

Interdimensional problem, solved?

[Holloway] Yeah yeah, [Steins] What?

[Holloway] Let's go already.

[Steins] I'm not done.

I’m supposed to say ‘Next stop George’s.

Churros on me.’

[Holloway] Yeah, I get it.

[Steins] Fine, scoot over.

I’m driving.

[They drive off.]

[Credit Music]

[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg,

Martin James Grapengeter, David Dykes, Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves, Maelle Jayet.

Directed by MJG.

Created by Nathan Feuerberg.

[Song Lyrics] Yo Quiero Yucateca Taco.

Yo Quiero Beans & Salsa.

Yo Quiero Rice & Chihuahua.