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What You Should Know About Protective Orders with Uswah Khan
Episode 10411th October 2023 • Her Empowered Divorce • Beverly Price
00:00:00 00:41:43

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Domestic violence is a deeply troubling and pervasive issue that affects countless individuals and families worldwide, and you don't have to go through it. Legal measures, support systems, protection orders, and domestic violence agencies and centers are set up to provide you with the support, protection, and peace of mind you deserve. Recognizing that help is available and reaching out to these resources can be a powerful step towards breaking free from the cycle of abuse, regaining control of your life, and rebuilding your life in safety and dignity. You are not alone. There are people and organizations ready to stand by your side and help you on your journey toward a life free from violence. In this episode of Her Empowered Divorce, your Host, Beverly Price, talks to Uswah Khan, an Assistant Attorney General. Together, they discuss domestic violence, steps to take if you are in an abusive relationship to get support, and how protection or restraint orders work.

 

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

●     There are Justice legal centers set up all over the country and domestic violence agents, so if you're in an abusive marriage, seek help. This will help you understand what you need and the mindset you need to have to execute a safety plan.

●     What do I need to tell my attorney about my domestic violence history? You should tell the entire history and be truthful in everything. Don’t just show the video or audio of you being mangled. The precursor to that should also be there.

●     What is a protection and restraining order? Restraining or protective orders are Identical and protect a person the same way. The protective order comes from the criminal law, and it’s issued when the police arrive at a criminal scene, while for the protective order, you have to go into civil court and apply for it.

●     Are restraining orders effective? Restraining orders at 100% effective. It becomes less effective when one party chooses not to use the protection to their advantage by allowing the abuser back in their life.

 

NOTABLE QUOTES:

●     It is very important for judges to know that women who have domestic violence in their divorce have gone through a trauma, and anytime we have a trauma, it is hard to talk about it; things get fragmented in our mind, and we may want to forget about some parts, and it might come off like not truthful. (Uswah)

●     If you are living with an abuser, do not live without expert domestic violence support and a safety plan because so many women are murdered when they leave an abuser without a safety plan. (Beverly)

●     It takes tremendous courage to speak up and take that step to go and talk to somebody, so as a practitioner, you want to make sure that their finances and housing are not a problem because these are the things that make them scared and go back. (Uswah)

●     For two people who are just together and not legally married, there is nothing on paper about how things will be divided out, and there is nothing one can do to be compensated financially. (Uswah)

●     Just as children don’t make up lies about abuse, most of the time, victims don’t make up lies about their abuser either. (Uswah)

●     If you want to leave an abuser, start by calling a domestic violence hotline. It’s not scary; they will just do an intake of your information and refer you to a nearby center, where you can meet with a counselor who will help you create a plan and a goal. (Uswah)

 

US Domestic Violence Hotline: 8007997233

 

ABOUT OUR GUEST:

Attorney Uswah Khan practiced family law in the State of CT for 18 years. Currently, she is an Assistant Attorney General, no longer engaged in private practice. During much of her career, she worked with all types of family law cases, including victims of domestic violence. She served as a staff attorney for two years at the Center for Family Justice. Additionally, she was a Hearing Officer for Special Education for the Connecticut State Department of Education.  She received her B.A. from Columbia University, Barnard College, a J.D. from Pace University School of Law, and an MBA from the University of Connecticut School of Business.  She is also admitted to the U.S. District Court, District of Connecticut, and to the United States Supreme Court.

 

FOLLOW OUR GUEST:

 

Website:http://www.diaryofadivorcelawyer.org/

Email: uswahk@gmail.com

 

ABOUT YOUR HOST:

Beverly Price is the empowering divorce coach who guides women on their journey before, during, and after divorce to eliminate pain, overwhelm, sadness, and anger and create more knowledge, skill, and peace that she experienced herself. In her 30 years of divorce coaching experience she has help thousands of women move through divorce, fully prepared with skills that enhance the results of their divorce process.

Remember, divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence. With the right support and guidance, you can move through the process with knowledge, skills, and confidence. If you’d like to schedule a complimentary private consultation, reach out to Beverly at: 

https://Beverly-Price.as.me/ConsultationCall

 

CONTACT YOUR HOST:

Website: http://www.herempowereddivorce.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/her_empowered_divorce

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/herempowereddivorce/

Facebook Group: Her Empowered Divorce Tribe: https://www.facebook.com/groups/herempowereddivorcetribe

Visit https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/her-empowered-divorce/id1635143315 to access the entire archive of Her Empowered Divorce episodes, and while you’re there, please subscribe, rate, and review our show! 

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7kIcMXrj1tIWBOmaXBBn1U

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@herempowereddivorce1/

 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverly-price/

 

A Warm Shoutout To Our Amazing Sponsor: SOBERLINK

Navigating the world of divorce and empowerment involves prioritizing the safety and well-being of your children, especially during co-parenting. In today's climate, where alcohol-related concerns are on the rise, countless co-parents are embracing a solution dedicated to providing assurance, protection, and tranquility. Enter Soberlink's cutting-edge alcohol monitoring system – your ultimate partner in assuring a substance-free parenting environment.

 

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🌟 Special Highlight:

 

Have you discovered the "Divorce & Beyond" podcast with Susan Guthrie yet? With over 30 years as a leading family law attorney and mediator, Susan combines her wealth of expert insights with advice from the nation's top divorce specialists. Whether you're navigating the tumultuous currents of divorce or looking to thrive in your radiant BEYOND, "Divorce & Beyond" is your companion for the journey. Dive deeper and let Susan guide you to a brighter tomorrow. Listen to "Divorce & Beyond" wherever you enjoy your podcasts or on the website https://divorceandbeyondpod.com, and step into your beautiful BEYOND. 🌟

 🔊 Check Out the Divorce Coalition🎉

I'm proud to share that I am now a part of The Divorce Coalition, a united front aiming to "Break the Silence. Break the Cycle." Our mission is to bring understanding, healing, and resilience to the forefront, ending the cycle of abuse one survivor at a time.

🔗 We're here to bridge the gap between silence and strength. Through education and awareness, we aim to enlighten legal experts and uplift survivors, ensuring safer homes for all.

Join us on this transformative journey. Follow [@DivorceCoalitionPage] on social media and learn more at 👉 divorcecoalition.com.

Let's come together, break the silence, and champion a brighter future! #divorcecoalitioni#breakthesilencel#breakthecycleCycle 

 

 

Transcripts

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Hi, beautiful. I'm so glad you're here with me today. I want to talk to you about something serious. Since we're honoring Domestic Violence Awareness Month, one topic is critical. And it's important to be educated. And that is about domestic violence and protection orders. And I have the most fabulous guest, Uswa Khan, who is an attorney who has so much knowledge.

about domestic violence and about protection orders that I wanted her to speak to us. She's practiced law in Connecticut for 18 years. She's an assistant attorney general and is no longer engaged in private practice. But most of her career, she's spent in family law and domestic violence. She is incredible. So we're going to talk about

those protection orders. And thank you, us, for being with me today. I'm so thrilled to have you.

Uswah A Khan (:

You're welcome. Thank you for the kind words. I'm happy to be here and share any knowledge that will help people that are listening or watching this.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

I'm sure it will. So tell me a little bit about, just give me your thoughts about domestic violence in general. What you've seen, kind of the state of the country or the area.

Uswah A Khan (:

Domestic violence is prevalent. It occurs one in three cases. Somebody will have experienced domestic violence. So it exists. It's not something that women are making up or men are making up. It exists across cultures. And

at the statistics, even from:

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yes.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Oh, okay.

Uswah A Khan (:

But it's not to say that it's not there. It's very much there, and we need to encourage people to speak up about it and get the help that they need.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

How much do you think the statistics are affected by people being afraid to report?

Uswah A Khan (:

Thanks.

Uswah A Khan (:

I would hope that it's not a lot. And I would hope that the same people who were afraid to report before are afraid to report now.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay.

Uswah A Khan (:

I know, I'm thinking, you know, in a perfect world, everybody reports.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Well, absolutely. I mean, we would all like that. I've heard the statistic of one out of three women have been affected by abuse. Is that what you're hearing?

Uswah A Khan (:

It is, it's true.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay. So what should judge... well, absolutely, men too. So what do you think judges should be aware of when people are divorcing with a domestic violence history?

Uswah A Khan (:

And it's not just women, it's a cross.

Uswah A Khan (:

I think the, I know in Connecticut when judges have their training, they are given intensive domestic violence training also. But for other states, and for other states, I think it would really be helpful for judges to know that women that have domestic violence in their divorce have gone through a trauma. And anytime you go through trauma, it's hard to talk about it. And things get fragmented in your mind. You might want to forget certain parts of it.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Oh, wonderful.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Uswah A Khan (:

you know, if the judge is listening to the witness testify, they might come off as not being truthful or their stories aren't matching up. And that's something they need to be cognizant of, that it could be the traumatic history and to look at all the facts in totality.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah, I've heard that, or I've seen statistics that say, of all the divorces, 24% cite domestic violence as a cause. And to me, that's extremely alarming, but is also comforting in a slight way that they would be getting out of the situation. The thing I want to urge people that I like to say

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes, absolutely.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

in every episode that I do is that if you are living with an abuser, do not leave without expert domestic violence counseling or support and do not leave without a safety plan because so many women are murdered when they leave an abuser without a safety plan and I think that's absolutely critical.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely. There's there's a justice legal centers set up all over the country. There's domestic violence agencies. Usually there's an agency that will cover four or five towns. So if someone is in that situation, they should seek out that help so they can have a few counseling sessions, understand what they're going to need to go through and what mindset they'll need to have in the next few weeks as they execute the safety plan.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Absolutely. And I've heard that the National Domestic Violence Hotline gets 20,000 calls a day.

Uswah A Khan (:

Well, I'm sure.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

That's, yeah. So is there something when we get into a situation where a client has an attorney, is there something that a client should tell their attorney about their domestic violence history?

Uswah A Khan (:

I think the client definitely should tell the entire history. It also helps if the client is truthful in everything. So if A pushed B and then B reacted, the entire story should be in there. So the attorney shouldn't just be getting a video of a hand being mangled. The precursor to that should also be there.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Karcher.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha. To me, that seems, it's hard for me to envision recording the abusive event because you're in it. Is there a way somebody could do that? Are they like holding their phone when the abuser see that?

Uswah A Khan (:

They would. They would hold the phone. What I've, what some of my clients have done that they've shared with me is that there's a on their Apple watch, they can press record. So it starts recording at least the audio. So you can hear the back and forth and the scuffle. And I think that's probably the most discreet way. But if they don't have an Apple watch, they can probably if they know they're about to get into a fight, they can probably pre record.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha.

Uswah A Khan (:

the phone, but then you have to be very careful. You don't wanna share recordings via the internet, or if you have the recording, play it for your lawyer and they will advise you as to how to go about it.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yes, absolutely. So tell me a little bit about restraining orders. Is a restraining order the same as a protective order? How effective are they? When should you get one?

Uswah A Khan (:

Okay, so I'm going to preface it from Connecticut's point of view. Restraining orders and protective orders, in my eyes, are identical.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Sure.

Uswah A Khan (:

they protect the person the same way. The protective order comes out of criminal court when there's been an arrest or the police arrived on the scene or criminal activity occurred. So the protective order was issued right there. The restraining order, the party has to go into civil court and apply for it. But the same outcome happens. So...

the victim is protected from the abuser. The abuser must relinquish their firearms. They have to stay away from the house. They have to stay away certain number of yards from the person. They can't contact them through Facebook or a third party. Sometimes the restraining order will also affect the children where they cannot see the children. Some states also have a monetary

amount in the restraining order that you know that this person is going to be obtaining this much a week. Yeah. And it is, I apologize. And then the effect is whoever violates, whether it's a protective order or a restraining order, you still go to criminal court if you violated it. The police get called and the person gets arrested.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Wow. Wow, that's interesting.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

So when police are called to a domestic violence incident, is it the situation where the wife can say, or the husband if he's being abused, that they don't want the police to take the abuser with them and arrest them? Is it up to the spouse being abused?

Uswah A Khan (:

I don't think so. I think it's up to the, usually two policemen will go, or police personnel, and one will talk to the wife, one will talk to the husband, and now they have the body cams on them. So I've also, I've subpoenaed the body cam footage to court when there's been a restraining order hearing. Just so, you know, it's the real.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yes.

Uswah A Khan (:

It's the depiction of the scene and the police is there and the judge can see how each party was acting and what was going on. Like tables were overturned, you know, things like that.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right. So it becomes a crime that the police are obligated to deal with versus just a request from the abused party. Okay. Gotcha. Are restraining orders effective? I hear about people still getting harmed when there's a restraining order.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely.

Uswah A Khan (:

This is tricky. I believe that restraining orders are 100% effective. I think it's when one party chooses not to use that protection to their advantage. For example, if there's a restraining order and the victim calls the abuser and says, I need a ride, and keeps using the abuser for these things, the victim has allowed the abuser to come back.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

You're right.

Uswah A Khan (:

and say, I'm not validating this piece of paper. However, you know, the victim can at any time call the police and say this person violated the order. The only time it's not effective is God forbid when the abuser goes in and kills the victim because they didn't care about the restraining order.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right. Absolutely. Yeah, that's certainly true. So how, well, I'm thinking about your clients and I'm thinking about from my personal experience when I was a victim, there's so much fear. There's fear of retaliation, there's fear of making them matter, there's fear of the abuse getting worse.

Can you tell me a little bit about the mindset of the clients that come to you for help? And it seems like it would take a tremendous amount of courage for them to do so.

Uswah A Khan (:

it does take a tremendous amount of courage to one speak up and then to two actually take that step to go and talk to somebody. And I believe the statistic is one out of it takes seven times for a victim to break that cycle of abuse so for them to have come to you and say that I'm ready to do this and I want to take action takes a lot of courage and they need support.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Huh!

Uswah A Khan (:

can turn to somebody as a practitioner, you want to make sure that their finances might not be a problem, that their housing is not a problem. Because these are things that make them scared and go back.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Sure. Yeah, if they don't have a means of supporting themselves, that might be a reason that they stay. Oh.

Uswah A Khan (:

Mm-hmm.

s at home. You're living in a:

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right, absolutely. And then there's the shame, the shame of being a victim, the shame of other people will know. Is that a factor with your clients?

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes.

Uswah A Khan (:

I feel like when they come to me, in the past when they've come to me, that has been resolved in their mind. They've made a decision that this is not going to stop them. Obviously, you know, our proceedings are confidential. And so they know that it's confidential. And a lot of times if there was an arrest, it might have already made it to the paper or online.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right, absolutely. And it seems like that, you know, we talked about earlier that there's so much violence that can happen if someone says they're going to leave. And it's not only violence against the spouse or the partner, it can be threats of violence against the children.

almost as to cause pain to the partner. I'd rather harm the children and make you suffer than harming you necessarily.

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely. They know that it's all about control and mind control. So they know that how, how are they going to control this victim? What does she love the most? Let's go after that.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Tell me a little bit about what you've observed about abusers. Are they, are they, do they look like everyday people on the outside? What goes on inside of them? What makes them do this?

Uswah A Khan (:

I wish I could tell you what makes them do this. All I know is that there's all different kinds because we sit and we try to mediate before the issue goes in front of the judge and some of them will come off so charming and there have been others where off the bat they are just aggressive and you know, like scary to even be sitting in the room with.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

So is there, we've talked a little bit about physical violence. There's so many other kinds of abuse, you know, coercive control, emotional, mental, financial, sexual. Can the courts help with other things beyond physical abuse?

Uswah A Khan (:

The courts can definitely help with finances because that's in the court's hands to say this victim needs X amount of dollars every week before this divorce is finalized.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha, gotcha. What about, I'm thinking about, what about the partners that aren't married? They would have an even tougher time, it seems like, because there's no official relationship that requires them to be compensated financially.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely, you're right. And unless they had some kind of physical contract, there's really nothing they can do. I know there's laws where landlords can work with an abuse victim to help them change their locks or things of that nature. But if it's a party that's just, if it's two people that are just together, there's really no, there's usually nothing there in paper about how things will be divided out.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

What is the process that someone needs to go through to get a restraining order?

Uswah A Khan (:

In Connecticut, you go to the Superior Court Clerk's Office.

and they give you forms, you fill it out. There's an affidavit, which is extremely important because on that affidavit, you want to write a little bit of history, which might be important to why you're so fearful of this person. And you wanna explain to the judge who's reading this affidavit, why your life is at risk and why you are at imminent fear that this person will come back and attack you, your children, your pets.

And you know sometimes if someone's been stalking you, you can say I know he drives his car around my house 10 p.m. Every day because I see it comes up on my camera

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

That's another good point. Stocking is something terrible that can happen to victims. Is that something that protection orders can protect you from?

Uswah A Khan (:

It is in Connecticut, if the two parties don't have a relationship, they can file a civil protective order. And so the stalking would be covered under that. But even under regular restraining orders, stalking, threatening behavior is covered.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

And let's go back for a minute to in the divorce situations, in abusive situations. Is it critical to select an attorney that has experience with domestic violence?

Uswah A Khan (:

You know, I think it's very important, it's absolutely helpful to select somebody who has experience with domestic violence, just because they can understand and they can explain if they need to hire an expert, they may know the people who they can use to testify. Although my first domestic violence case that came to me, I was inexperienced, but it was just, you know, it was the way I reacted to the victim and how she felt comfortable with me and sharing things and

taking on her case.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

I think that would be, it seems like you would be somebody that a victim would be very comfortable with.

Uswah A Khan (:

Thank you. Yeah, they've said that I have a calming effect on them. So.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah, and I bet they need that.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely, with the turmoil going on in their life, yes.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

So when women or men apply for restraining orders, I was told that there's a significant number that kind of retract that restraining order. They may come in one day and apply, and then the next day come in and say, I've changed my mind. Does that happen a lot?

Uswah A Khan (:

I have seen it, but I wouldn't quantify it as a lot. And the way I've seen it is that they just don't show up and it gets dismissed. And the context that I've seen it in is the abuser saying, well, look, she didn't even show up. She applied and didn't show up, but it's out of fear or out of that retaliation that she may not have shown up. And so the, no, that's okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

How to go hair.

How do we get a judge to an abuser's attorney, what will be a judge, to understand what's going on in the victim, the fear, the, you know, why she's doing this. It seems like you would need some sensitivity.

in the judge, and yet they need to be objective to kind of decide this case. What is it that you hope judges will understand?

Uswah A Khan (:

I hope that they can understand that the person coming in front of them is sharing a very secretive and important piece of their life with them. And you know, like how we hear that children don't make up lies about abuse. Most of the time, victims don't make up lies about the abuse either. And so when I have my victim on the stand, I will have them testify about the fear and why this fear is there.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah!

Uswah A Khan (:

you know, fear is subjective, but to her she knows because last time he yelled like this, he proceeded to smash an egg on her or

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right, right. So you mentioned a point about victims not making things up. But I've heard some attorneys say that people use domestic violence complaints to almost stick it to the abuser or the other party. And it clouds this.

understanding of the significance of domestic violence because they'll say, well, there's so many false reports. What are your thoughts on that?

Uswah A Khan (:

It's difficult. I've represented men who have.

gone through this exact same thing and they've sat in my office and told me that this was a total lie. Like you know we were just making dinner and something happened and she blew it out of proportion or you know the wife may have used it to get custody of the children and unfortunately it's just something that they have to stick out until they get their day in court, until they get their hearing in front of the judge so they can tell their side of their truth.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

You're right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

And it's the judge's responsibility to try and understand the truth from the false, right?

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely. And I guess it's the way the lawyer presents the case.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah, that's quite true. So when an abuser is talking to you, talking to the police, or a victim, excuse me, when a victim is talking to you, talking to the police, what kind of mental condition are they in? What kind of emotional condition are they in? And how do the police in particular

kind of think of that victim. You know, are they scattered, are they disjointed, those kinds of things. What condition are they in?

Uswah A Khan (:

They are, they're fearful, they're scared because they're now dealing with the police, which in itself is scary. Their adrenaline is probably high because they've just come out of a fight and there's, you know, these fear hormones that are still running around and they don't know what's going to happen. So they might come off hysterical or crazy is a word we hear associated with women.

And I know even when they come into my office, they will get tearful, they will get nervous, they'll start speaking faster or their voice tone will change.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

and do they forget some parts?

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely, they forget some parts. And so if the attorney has time, it's important to try to meet with them two or three times to make sure that they're able to make that timeline and make sure everything is in there.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

What should, well, I've also, from my experience, learned that there's an escalation process with an abuser, that it doesn't necessarily start out as the worst abuse. But it has this escalation. And then there's some women that say, oh, he will change. What are your thoughts about?

the abuser's behavior, the feeling that he can change, those kinds of things.

Uswah A Khan (:

I think with the abuser's behavior, they're trying to test their limits and it's all part of their the manipulation. So they know, OK, we did this much today. She didn't say anything. OK, let's try to do this much. Let's try to raise the bar slowly so they don't know what's going on. Almost like the frog in the boiling water analogy, right? The frog doesn't know that the water started to boil. So just kind of put it on her or him.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha. Is domestic violence portrayed accurately in the media, in TV, those kinds of things?

Uswah A Khan (:

You didn't, I think that nowadays it is, I saw an excellent series on HBO, Big Little Lies, and just looking at it, I could see all the elements that we look out for when we're doing a domestic violence case, and it was all there. And it started off with the child being aggressive at school to another child, because the child had seen this behavior in the house.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. What are the things you look for in a domestic violence case?

Uswah A Khan (:

Yeah.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay. Let's stop right here, editor.

Uswah A Khan (:

I have to think about this one. Yeah.

Uswah A Khan (:

This is hard. What do we look for in domestic? You know, it's it was like it was like the little things like, like control like him controlling her not allowing her to see her friends and family members. Okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Okay, all right, editor, let's pick back up. So what are those things? You mentioned there are things that you look for in domestic violence cases and that you saw it in big little laws. What are those things that you look for?

Uswah A Khan (:

It's a lot of these things are the classic signs like the abuser bringing the victim away from her family members away from her friends so that she doesn't have that support network. She's alone. And, you know, maybe the abuser will be charming in public and everyone will think they have a perfect married life and behind closed doors. It's not that way.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha, gotcha. Does it typically start with verbal abuse and move on?

Uswah A Khan (:

I am assuming so, I don't know if there's a...

I don't know if there's a click one day he just starts hitting. I don't know. But I know that there's definitely a lot of manipulation going on, a lot of gaslighting. The first time it happens, the abuser might say, oh my God, but it was you who made me do it. It wasn't me. So if you change your behavior, I won't react this way. And then that causes the victim to be around eggshells next time something happens like this, you know, tiptoeing around. Don't upset the abuser.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha, gotcha. So scary, so scary. So when someone has a violent incident or when someone decides they want to leave, what should that victim do? What would be the thoughts that they would do or the actions they would take?

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes.

Uswah A Khan (:

Like you had mentioned before, they should have a safety plan in effect. And what is that safety plan? You know, I have a separate bank account and I have money and I have a cell phone. I have X, Y, and Z as support systems. I have a car to get around with, or I have a place to stay if necessary.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha. I'd like to ask all of my guests to give actionable tips that the people can take. And so in this case, what actionable tips would you suggest to a woman that she take if she's now serious about moving forward with leaving?

relationship.

Uswah A Khan (:

I think the best thing for her to do is to start out by calling a domestic violence hotline. And it's not a scary thing. They'll do an intake and they'll refer you to a center that's nearby your house where you can go in, you can meet with a counselor, you can meet every week with the counselor. And it's like having a conversation with somebody, but somebody who's experienced and has helped thousands of other people get out of their abuse.

relationship and it just helps you create a plan and a goal and you need that no matter what you're doing.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah, is there any other tips you would give them?

Uswah A Khan (:

I think they need to, if they're serious about leaving, maybe start a chronological log of what's been going on and what's happening, but put it in a place that's not accessible, obviously, by the abuser.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Exactly, exactly. You know, pictures, timelines, anything that could be used as documentation, I would think. But it is critical not for it to be discovered. Because that would really set the abuser off.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely.

Uswah A Khan (:

Right.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely. The other thing that a victim can do is they can take their phone or their car to the police station and ask the police to sweep it because sometimes the abuser will have like a tracker put in on the car or they have these ghost apps on the phone which you don't know but everything that you're typing on the phone the abuser is getting an identical copy of it.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

GASP

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Oh no. Oh wow.

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes, and you wouldn't even they wouldn't even know that this is happening because it's a ghost app.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Right, wow. So one of the things I suggest to any client going through a divorce, but I think that it's absolutely critical in domestic violence cases is self-care.

Is that something you advise your clients?

Uswah A Khan (:

We always advocate for self-care and that means taking time out for yourself. Go for a walk, read a book, nourish your soul basically.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Yeah, it seems like taking some time to try and have moments without fear would be helpful because they're almost paralyzed by fear all the time to try and change that mindset that I can have periods of time and this is what it feels like to be free from fear.

Uswah A Khan (:

Yes.

Uswah A Khan (:

Absolutely. There are trauma-based yoga classes out there. Yes. Right. It really is. The center that I used to work with, they would offer those classes once a week to the victims and I would sit on them. They were wonderful.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Really? That's fascinating.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Wow, that's great advice. So, Aswi, you have shared so much information. I know our listeners are gonna want to know more. Where would you suggest they turn to learn more?

Uswah A Khan (:

I think they should Google like National Center for Domestic Violence and that can lead them to, you know, whichever domestic violence organization is near them. Because there's like the big national one and then there's little umbrella organizations run by each state, which cover the ones run by the individual towns.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Okay.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

Gotcha. Thank you so much for being with me today. This has been so enlightening. And I know it's helped so many women. And you're just fantastic. So I really appreciate your help in that. And to my audience, thank you so much for being with us, my and myself, on this episode of Her Empowered Divorce. All of us was information will be available in the show notes.

Uswah A Khan (:

Oh, you're welcome. Thank you.

Her Empowered Divorce Coach (:

as well as critical information about domestic violence. This and all our episodes can be found at herempowereddivorce.com on the podcast page or on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. And you can also watch the video version on our YouTube channel, Her Empowered Divorce. Please share our story with your friends so we can reach out and help as many

women as possible. So join me on our next episode where I'll be diving deeper into what other expert professionals can share to help you on your separation, divorce, and domestic violence journey. Remember, you can find more information about how my divorce and empowerment coaching can help you, whether you are in a domestic violence situation or not, it can help you eliminate the fear,

pain and overwhelm and create more knowledge and a brighter future at HerEmpoweredDivorce.com. And until next time, get and stay empowered.

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