When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw).
In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.
You’ll Learn:
You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on!
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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.
We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways.
When you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.
Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true.
The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.
To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument.
To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.
They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid.
To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time.
To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention.
To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t trust that you won’t tell someone else about it.
Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it.
If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on.
When our kids lie to us, we tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about them. We get really angry, so we're not neutral or curious about their behavior. That’s why, as always, getting calm is the first step.
Get curious about their reason for lying. This is really helpful, because then you can tap into compassion and soothe that underlying fear that they have. Your response might change based on the need they are trying to get met with the lie.
Don't corner your child. This is more challenging than it sounds because we feel strongly that we want our kids to confess. Especially as they get into the teenage years, it can feel like the decisions and behavior that they're lying about are dangerous. We get really worried, and we want them to tell us the truth so that we can problem solve with them.
We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.
Think about it from your kid’s perspective. If they admit to the lie, they're busted for two things. They're busted for the problem behavior, and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the lie. There’s no benefit to them to confess.
Assume that they’re struggling, and that the lying is part of their coping. Don’t make it mean something terrible about them or about your relationship.
Deal with the behavior, not the lying. When we get caught up in the lie and mad at our kid because they’re lying, we make it more difficult for them to feel safe with us.
Telling the truth isn't a necessary part of the solution. When you have the information, you don't need to wait until your child confesses. You can just explain that this is what you believe to be true, and this is how we're moving forward. This is the consequence.
Another way you can approach this is by using preview. Say, “I'm gonna ask you a question, and you might not want to tell me the truth. You might want to lie to me. But whatever you did, I know it's not who you are. I love you, and it's totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you improve your behavior. Do you think you can be honest with me?”
If they tell the truth, great. If not, you can let them know the information you have that you believe to be true and what’s going to happen next.
Be in your leadership energy. State the issue and what you believe to be true. Communicate what’s going to happen next (limit, consequence, etc.) and move on. Let them know you can handle their behavior, and that you’re not going anywhere.
Give your child language to describe the outlandish stories they’re telling. Ask them, “Is this a tall tale or a true story? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that actually happened?”
Stories are fun and imagination is great, but we do want to help our kids understand the difference and give them the opportunity to tell us the truth.
Give reassurance. A lecture about why lying is disrespectful and they need to tell the truth doesn’t help. It actually makes it worse because you’re piling on the shame. It increases, rather than decreases, their insecurity (which is why they’re lying in the first place).
Say something like, “You know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're still learning. You're still growing. I love you, and I'm not worried about you. It's okay to make mistakes. You’re going to fix this mistake and we’re going to move on.”
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Alright. Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your
Speaker:host, Dianna Lynn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach,
Speaker:and I wanna talk today about lying because it comes
Speaker:up a lot in my coaching practice, and
Speaker:it seems to be almost like the I hate you
Speaker:conversation we had last week. It seems to be another one of those things that
Speaker:is really difficult for parents to deal with. Because it
Speaker:kind of has the same effect on you that
Speaker:I hate you does where it feels very personal and very
Speaker:disrespectful and, you know, just, like,
Speaker:wrong. Right? So it kinda feels like a moral issue, a
Speaker:thing that our children should not do. And just
Speaker:like we talked about, I hate you is a strategy that your
Speaker:child uses to communicate their negative
Speaker:emotion. Okay? Lying is similar.
Speaker:So, of course, when you find out that your child is
Speaker:lying or they are just adamantly refusing
Speaker:to tell you the truth, even though you have a lot of evidence
Speaker:that that they've done something wrong. It can feel like you're being
Speaker:betrayed or, you know, that there's some sort of,
Speaker:like, moral thing going on. But the truth is that
Speaker:lying is just a normal child behavior
Speaker:issue. It's not like a character flaw. It's not an issue of
Speaker:morality. It's a coping strategy. Just
Speaker:like hitting, just like,
Speaker:you know, running away from you when they're getting in trouble
Speaker:or, you know, saying I hate you or any of those strategies that your
Speaker:kids use, they're doing that to cope and
Speaker:communicate. Now one thing about lying is
Speaker:essentially your kids, they're they're immature
Speaker:and they use lying as a way to solve a
Speaker:problem. Okay? So they feel like there's
Speaker:a problem and they don't know how to get out of it. They don't know
Speaker:how to solve the problem. They can't really think of anything, and
Speaker:so they are gonna lie about it. It's, like,
Speaker:easy. It's an easy solution to them.
Speaker:So when your child doesn't wanna deal with the
Speaker:problem, they will lie and then that's their avoidance.
Speaker:So it's not about whether they respect you or
Speaker:not. It's not anything about that. I really think
Speaker:this conversation around disrespect and respect with kids
Speaker:gets super muddy for us and gets cloudy because
Speaker:we're not looking at their behavior from the
Speaker:lens of what's going on inside of your child, what's going
Speaker:inside on what's going on inside of your child or what's going on inside
Speaker:of them that is driving the behavior. You're
Speaker:looking at the behavior and its impact on you, and that
Speaker:doesn't really help your child change their behavior or learn
Speaker:about themselves or learn new strategies. So it
Speaker:is your job as a parent to teach your
Speaker:child how to solve problems that come up in their lives in
Speaker:better ways. Right? And that means that
Speaker:we can't get kind of trapped in the did you lied, you didn't,
Speaker:did you lie, like, we can't get trapped in that sort of discussion.
Speaker:We just have to talk about the problem and how they're using
Speaker:lying as a strategy and then give them a better
Speaker:strategy. Now lying is an interesting
Speaker:thing because the underlying motivations
Speaker:are a little bit more complicated than just any emotion
Speaker:because it's it's not just I'm scared
Speaker:so I'm going to lie. I mean, actually, as
Speaker:I say that, in most cases, the
Speaker:underlying emotion that drives
Speaker:lying is fear of some kind. But what
Speaker:that fear is is something that we can explore and talk about a
Speaker:little bit. So the first reason that kids lie,
Speaker:I'm gonna break down the reasons that they lie a little bit so you can
Speaker:understand. And, like, the idea with understanding why is so you
Speaker:have more compassion so that when you problem solve, your
Speaker:problem solving the underlying reason for the
Speaker:lying instead of just talking about the lying itself.
Speaker:So that's what I'm hoping by talking about, you know, the reasons that
Speaker:your kids lie. So the first, we all know this one. Right? They don't wanna
Speaker:get in trouble. So, you know, if you have an older
Speaker:kid like a teenager, they're like, my phone died, and that's why I didn't
Speaker:answer the phone or that's why I didn't call you back or that's why my
Speaker:location services were off or whatever. And most
Speaker:likely, they are late coming back
Speaker:or they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be or whatever, and they wanna
Speaker:avoid getting in trouble. So they say, my phone died.
Speaker:Or they lie and said they did the thing that they didn't do.
Speaker:They're like, I fed the dog. I did my homework. I did the chore. You
Speaker:know, I cleaned up or whatever. I walk the dog. And they
Speaker:are doing that because they don't want you to
Speaker:they don't wanna commit confess that they didn't do it
Speaker:because then they might have to do it, which is what they're trying to
Speaker:avoid. Or they don't they
Speaker:might have to get a big lecture from you and see the disappointment in your
Speaker:face, and they're actually lying to protect
Speaker:themselves from a negative
Speaker:view, your negative view of them or your negative
Speaker:judgment of them or your disappointment in them.
Speaker:So they're avoiding trouble and they're avoiding doing
Speaker:something that they want they don't wanna do. Right?
Speaker:But they also are lying to protect
Speaker:their identity, to protect
Speaker:you. In their mind, they're thinking, if
Speaker:my mom knows this about me, if she knows that I did this
Speaker:behavior, she won't like me very much. She'll be
Speaker:really mad at me. She'll be really disappointed in me. She'll think I'm a
Speaker:loser. She'll think I'm a bad person. She'll think something
Speaker:negative of me and I don't want my mom to think that about me,
Speaker:so I'm gonna lie. And it's to
Speaker:protect their identity and to protect your thoughts about
Speaker:them. Is it good? No. It's
Speaker:immature. Right? But that's what they're doing. And so we need to
Speaker:say, hey, no matter what you say, I'm not my, my thoughts
Speaker:about you aren't going to change. But what happens is when they're lying,
Speaker:we have a lot of negative thoughts about them And
Speaker:we're really angry, and so we're not neutral about their
Speaker:behavior. We're not curious about the behavior,
Speaker:especially when they're older. And, I mean, it happens at every age, but,
Speaker:like, if they're doing something dangerous, like they're vaping or
Speaker:they're do you know, they're not going to to class, like, as they get
Speaker:into the teenage years, it can feel like the the decisions that
Speaker:they're making, that they're lying to you about are dangerous. And so we
Speaker:get really worried and we wanna have them tell us the
Speaker:truth so then we can problem solve with them. But telling the
Speaker:truth isn't really part of the solution, to be honest.
Speaker:It's not necessary. If you know what's happening, if you know what
Speaker:the behavior is that they're doing, just move forward. You don't need to
Speaker:catch them. And I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sorry. Okay. So
Speaker:they lie to avoid trouble. They lie to protect
Speaker:themselves or protect you from negative thoughts
Speaker:about them. So that would look like I didn't do
Speaker:it. I forgot. It wasn't me. I don't know
Speaker:what happened. Yes. I ate my lunch.
Speaker:I'm fine. Right? So they don't want you to
Speaker:worry. They don't want you to lecture. They don't want you to think
Speaker:negatively of them. So they're lying to protect themselves.
Speaker:Because the thing is about, like, like, okay, we say most of the time we
Speaker:say, oh, they don't wanna get in trouble. But a lot of you are like,
Speaker:what? They don't my kids don't even get in trouble. Like, what are they afraid
Speaker:of? Doesn't even make any sense. So that's why I
Speaker:wanted to really talk about this on the podcast today of, like,
Speaker:I think most of the time, kids aren't actually lying to protect,
Speaker:to avoid trouble. They're actually lying to protect your
Speaker:thoughts about them, to keep you thinking they're good kids,
Speaker:especially, you know, the developmental questions. I
Speaker:love to go back to those because, you know, the developmental question from 3 to
Speaker:6 is, am I good or am I bad? They're trying to answer that question.
Speaker:They want to think my mom thinks I'm a good kid. And then
Speaker:but then if she shows that I did this bad thing, she's gonna think I'm
Speaker:a bad kid. Now we don't think of it that way. Right? We're like mistakes
Speaker:are neutral. They're fine. But our child is
Speaker:worried. And then the next developmental question
Speaker:is, the sorry. I
Speaker:got distracted. The next developmental question is, am I capable?
Speaker:Am I capable? Am I am is it am I am I good
Speaker:student? Am I good a good soccer player? Am I, you
Speaker:know, am I good at things? Right? Not like in my
Speaker:who I am inside? Am I good or bad? But, like, am I good at
Speaker:things? Am I capable? And they wanna protect your
Speaker:thought about them. They wanna protect their thought about them. Sometimes
Speaker:they lie and they actually believe that what they're saying is true.
Speaker:They, like, convince themselves and you're like, am I in the twilight zone?
Speaker:Or am I, like, on an episode of black mirror? What is happening here?
Speaker:So your child, they're avoiding trouble. Sure.
Speaker:But, really, they're avoiding your negative thoughts about them.
Speaker:And then sometimes they lie because they just don't wanna do something or they wanna
Speaker:avoid something. Right? So they just they don't they're like, I
Speaker:cleaned up all the toys. Can I have the iPad now? Because they
Speaker:want the iPad. Right? They're like,
Speaker:don't wanna get off the video game. So then you go in and they're like,
Speaker:the game took a long time to load. There was an update And you're like,
Speaker:no, there wasn't or you can't tell because you don't know. And it feels like
Speaker:they're lying and it's because they want more time on the game.
Speaker:They want the iPad. They want more time on the game or they don't wanna
Speaker:go to school. So they're like, I'm sick. And you're like, you're lying.
Speaker:And it's like, well, you just have to have better
Speaker:understanding of like, what is, what are your
Speaker:parameters for being sick? Like, does it have to be green snot? Does
Speaker:it have to be, you know, a fever? It does have to
Speaker:be diarrhea. Like, what are your reasons that you keep kids
Speaker:home? Because if you have a pattern where the kids constantly
Speaker:saying I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick, and you're like, I don't know if you're
Speaker:telling the truth, then maybe go send them to school and
Speaker:then see what happens. So they might also
Speaker:say, like, I don't have homework tonight or the test was postponed or we don't
Speaker:have to dress out. The they say we don't have to wear our PE clothes,
Speaker:stuff like that. So they're they're lying to avoid trouble. They're
Speaker:lying to protect their identity. They're lying
Speaker:to get out of something or avoid something or to get something.
Speaker:Sometimes kids lie because they wanna be seen.
Speaker:They might that's when you see, like, the kids who create, like, really grand
Speaker:stories, you know, just really out of out of crazy stuff.
Speaker:And they just want someone to listen to them. They want
Speaker:someone to pay attention, and they found a strategy to
Speaker:problem solve that to solve that problem of, like,
Speaker:feeling uninteresting or unimportant. And so then they
Speaker:tell these big stories, and then the people are like, what? Wait. What are you
Speaker:saying? You went to a basketball game and you went you had you sat. You
Speaker:played the game, like, in an NBA game. Like, it's sometimes it's so
Speaker:cuckoo. You're like, what is going on? And you're paying attention, and they're like, oh,
Speaker:now this is how I get people's attention. So you can solve that problem by
Speaker:giving them attention in other ways.
Speaker:2 other reasons that kids lie. 1 is maybe there's some bullying
Speaker:or some sort of embarrassing thing that has happened to them, and they don't want
Speaker:you to know or they don't want anyone to know, especially
Speaker:our kids. They kinda know that we talk to her like the other moms.
Speaker:And so sometimes they don't want you to tell the other
Speaker:moms, but they can't figure out a way to tell you that or they don't
Speaker:trust that you won't or, like, that you won't tell grandma or their aunt
Speaker:or the neighbor or something like that. So if your kids feel like you talk
Speaker:about them a lot, they might lie to you because they're
Speaker:not sure if you're trustworthy with their stories. So they might
Speaker:lie to avoid embarrassment or to keep
Speaker:something that is embarrassing to them hidden.
Speaker:And so maybe, you know, there's some kids
Speaker:who were taking you know, took their notebook and and threw it on the floor
Speaker:or, you know, cut their, you know, like, scraped their
Speaker:backpack or whatever and, like, made a mark on it. And you're like, what happened
Speaker:here? And then they lie and they tell you a different story or they're like,
Speaker:I don't know what happened. And maybe there's some other thing
Speaker:happening at school or in their life that they don't wanna talk about.
Speaker:So getting curious is really helpful, of course,
Speaker:like, you know, trying to figure out what
Speaker:their reason for lying is and then soothing that under
Speaker:underlying fear that they have.
Speaker:You know, whatever you say, I'm not gonna think negatively of you
Speaker:or, you know, what? I'm I'm here to
Speaker:pay attention. Right? So you're kind of meeting the unmet need.
Speaker:But what about the unmet need of avoiding trouble? What about the unmet
Speaker:need of, you know, getting something or avoiding something? Like,
Speaker:regular old, I didn't do it. She did it. I don't know what
Speaker:happened. Like, normal lying. Right? How do you handle
Speaker:that? So the first thing I wanna
Speaker:say about how to handle lying
Speaker:is really don't corner your child.
Speaker:And this is going to be actually more challenging
Speaker:than it sounds like because we
Speaker:do feel strongly that we want our kids to
Speaker:confess. And we believe that if they
Speaker:confess, then they're gonna be more likely to
Speaker:problem solve with us. So we kinda trap
Speaker:them, and we're, you know, trying to get them to tell us the
Speaker:truth. And if you put your child
Speaker:on the spot like that, you corner them, then they
Speaker:lie, then you keep asking them,
Speaker:then they finally admit they lied. Now they're busted for 2
Speaker:things. They're busted for the thing they didn't do or whatever problem,
Speaker:and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the
Speaker:lie. Like, there's no reason for them not
Speaker:to. Like, telling the truth and confessing doesn't
Speaker:serve them. They don't see any reason to do it.
Speaker:So in their mind, they're like, just get on with the punishment already.
Speaker:Like, does this talk okay? Fine. You know?
Speaker:What's the consequence? I actually had my
Speaker:son lie to me about something pretty big recently. I just remembered
Speaker:this. And, we had
Speaker:very concrete evidence that he was lying.
Speaker:And we were like he's like, that's not me. That's not mine. Blah blah blah
Speaker:blah. We're like, okay. You know what? We'll check again tomorrow, and we'll see what
Speaker:happens. And then we checked again tomorrow, and it was the same result. And we
Speaker:just moved on. So when you have
Speaker:the information, you don't need to wait until your child
Speaker:confesses. So instead of saying, did you throw all your
Speaker:books on the floor and putting them in a position to say yes
Speaker:or no? Instead, you're gonna say, I see your
Speaker:books are all on the floor. You're welcome to eat dinner once you put them
Speaker:back on the shelf and, like, go right in and set a limit.
Speaker:So not corning your cornering your child is really important.
Speaker:And then, like, I started to say, like, focusing on the
Speaker:behavior, not the lying. Right? So, consequently,
Speaker:the behavior, talking about the behavior. So, it's like we have this
Speaker:information. We believe it to be true and these are the consequences.
Speaker:So you don't need to get into, I can't do anything until they
Speaker:confess. You don't need that. You can just be
Speaker:like, this is what we believe to be true, and we're moving forward, and this
Speaker:is what we're doing. This is the consequence.
Speaker:So talking about it in this way
Speaker:and, you know, what's funny is that a couple weeks later, my son just
Speaker:casually admitted to the thing that he had done that he
Speaker:denied fervently for weeks. And we just
Speaker:were like, well, it doesn't matter whether you deny it or not. Like, we're just
Speaker:gonna believe it's true, and this is the consequence, and this is what we're doing.
Speaker:And a couple weeks went by, and he kind of was, like, started to
Speaker:smile about the thing, and then he admitted to the thing. And then now
Speaker:it's like, we all just know that that thing happened, and it's not a big
Speaker:deal. We didn't have to wait for him to confess
Speaker:and, like, corner him, and we know you did it. And I why are you
Speaker:lying to us? If you ever find yourself saying, why are
Speaker:you lying to us? Go back and listen to the first part of this podcast.
Speaker:Assume they're lying to avoid trouble. Assume they're lying to protect their
Speaker:identity. Assume they're lying to get what they want. Right?
Speaker:Just assume they're lying for those reasons and then move
Speaker:on. Deal with the behavior,
Speaker:not the lying. Okay? Now, you
Speaker:can if you know that something
Speaker:happened, like, say, the neighbor,
Speaker:saw your kid doing something wrong outside. Right? And the
Speaker:neighbor's like, hey. I saw your kid, and they were, you
Speaker:know, running. They, you know, they cross the street without looking or
Speaker:they were, you know, taking all the lemons off the tree
Speaker:or they did ding dong ditch to my house or whatever. Like, you're
Speaker:getting information or the teachers like, this happened today at
Speaker:school, and here's what happened or like a coach or whatever. Right?
Speaker:You have data. You have information. So you know what happened.
Speaker:And you want sometimes to say to your kids, like, did this happen?
Speaker:You know, and you want them to confess. Right? You wanna trap them. But we're
Speaker:not gonna trap our kids anymore. We're gonna say, we're
Speaker:gonna preview it. Like, that's the strategy, right, that I teach a lot where
Speaker:it's like, hey. I'm gonna ask you a question,
Speaker:and you might not wanna tell me the truth. You might wanna lie to
Speaker:me. But remember, like, whatever you
Speaker:did, your behavior, I know it's not who you
Speaker:are and that I love you and that we make mistakes, and it's
Speaker:totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you
Speaker:improve your behavior. So before, you
Speaker:know, before I ask you this question, I really want you to think about, are
Speaker:you gonna be honest? And you can even say, do you think
Speaker:you're gonna do do you think you're gonna be honest?
Speaker:And let them decide. Yes. I'm going to be honest even if they don't know
Speaker:the question. Or they might be like, I don't know. I don't know. Ask me.
Speaker:Ask me. I don't know. I don't know. What's happening? Right? They might feel really
Speaker:anxious. And you're like, okay. No problem. I'm just letting you know I
Speaker:love you, that nothing you do ever changes my opinion of
Speaker:you. And I'm just here to help you learn how to,
Speaker:you know, be in the world. K? So you preview it,
Speaker:and then you ask them the question. And then if they tell the truth, great.
Speaker:If they don't tell the truth, no problem. You just led to saying,
Speaker:well, this is the information we have. We believe it to be true,
Speaker:and this is what's happening next. So, again,
Speaker:we're not cornering. We're giving our children a lot
Speaker:of grace, and we're assuming that they're
Speaker:struggling and that the lying is part of their coping.
Speaker:So what do you do about, like, low level lies? Like, you know, did you
Speaker:eat these cookies? And they're like, you know,
Speaker:no. My brother did it or whatever. And then
Speaker:you go to serve dessert, like, a couple days later or get ice
Speaker:cream or something. And you're like, no. I'm not gonna get you ice cream today
Speaker:because I know you ate cookies earlier this week. And they're like, I didn't do
Speaker:it. You go, well, that's okay. I believe it was true.
Speaker:So that's why I'm not absorbing cookies. Like, always being in your
Speaker:leadership energy there. Sometimes with, like,
Speaker:kids under 6, just a lot of times,
Speaker:you don't have you don't you're lying to me. I know you are. Like, kids
Speaker:under 6 lie a lot. They have this, like, they found this good
Speaker:strategy to avoid, discomfort, and they're like, they just
Speaker:go for it. And if they really grow out of it because then they
Speaker:start to know that you can handle their behavior and that they're a
Speaker:good kid and there's no problem here. So a lot of times we see
Speaker:lying from ages 3 to 6, 3 to 7
Speaker:quite a bit because they want you to believe they're good and they
Speaker:don't wanna tell you that they were quote, unquote bad.
Speaker:So you can just kind of, like, move on. Just give a
Speaker:correction or, you know, connect with them, set a limit, follow through
Speaker:on it. No problem. Really, this whole episode is,
Speaker:like, don't corner your kid. Don't try to get a confession. Don't
Speaker:put on a lie detector test in your parenting. None of it
Speaker:is important. Then the other
Speaker:strategy when your kids are, like, doing those really outlandish,
Speaker:crazy stories, I'd love for you
Speaker:to give them a language to describe what it is.
Speaker:Like, you know, in some vernacular, people call those tall
Speaker:tales. Right? Or, you know, you could say, is
Speaker:this a story or is this a true story?
Speaker:Are you telling me a story? Are you telling me a truth? And you're
Speaker:gonna kinda create language around what's a
Speaker:story and what's not. Because stories are fun
Speaker:and imagination is fine and it's great to have escapes and
Speaker:imagine crazy cool things happening, but we do wanna help our
Speaker:kids understand the difference. So is this a story or
Speaker:is this the truth? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that
Speaker:actually happened? That's another way to ask it.
Speaker:And so if you say, well, this sounds like a story, and I want you
Speaker:to tell me the truth. So what really happened?
Speaker:So you could try again. So we're giving our kids a
Speaker:lot of, new language around, you know, what's the story
Speaker:and what's the truth and giving them an opportunity to tell the truth.
Speaker:Alright. So my hope for you in this episode
Speaker:is that you don't get caught up on
Speaker:lying. Like, just don't make it a thing. Move on.
Speaker:That if you know that the behavior happened, like,
Speaker:you you have the evidence, like, the cookies are on the counter or those, you
Speaker:know, the thing is broken, just be like, yeah. Okay.
Speaker:Well, it doesn't really matter what the stories are here. What is true
Speaker:is that the cookies are here, and you were the only one in the kitchen,
Speaker:so I'm gonna believe that you broke it or whatever. Like, just move
Speaker:forward as if they had told you the truth. And then
Speaker:follow through the rest of the process with your consequences and things like
Speaker:that. So when your child is
Speaker:lying, the last little thing so don't corner them.
Speaker:But I want you to realize that they need reassurance, actually. It's
Speaker:such a moment where you're you wanna shame them and, like, convince them that
Speaker:they shouldn't do that. And they're they're lying and you shouldn't do that. You need
Speaker:to tell the truth and that's not respectful and you wanna give them a little
Speaker:lecture. That actually makes it worse.
Speaker:It makes their insecurity, increase
Speaker:instead of decrease. What we wanna be saying to our kids is,
Speaker:you know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're
Speaker:still learning. You're still growing. I'm not worried about you. And
Speaker:it's okay to make mistakes, and I'm just gonna move forward. And you're gonna fix
Speaker:this mistake. No problem. And we're gonna move on. I love you,
Speaker:and it's not an issue. It's not a problem. So we get caught up
Speaker:in the lie, and then we get really mad at our kid, and we actually
Speaker:make it more difficult for them to feel safe with
Speaker:us. And that's the last thing I want for your kids.
Speaker:Okay. If you have any questions about this,
Speaker:please reach out to me. You can DM me on Instagram at
Speaker:Darlyn Childress, or you can book us a consultation with me at
Speaker:commama coaching.com. And if you have a
Speaker:teenager, I wanna invite you to the
Speaker:emotionally healthy teen class. It's a 6 week parenting
Speaker:class where we talk specifically about teenagers, what
Speaker:they are struggling with, what they need from you, and
Speaker:then how to set limits and boundaries with teenagers so that
Speaker:you don't stress out as much, and then also how to have better conversations
Speaker:with them. So it's a really great class. I love it, and I
Speaker:only teach it twice a year. So the next one starts April 15th.
Speaker:The cost is $397. We're meeting on
Speaker:Mondays at 12 noon, 3 PM EST. I
Speaker:tried to find the best time I could for people.
Speaker:And, yeah, it starts April 15th.
Speaker:You can sign up at com mama coaching.com under programs. And if you're
Speaker:curious about that class, again, book a consultation with me, and we can talk about
Speaker:it, see if it's the right fit for you and your teenager. So, of course,
Speaker:I'm always encouraging you to book that free discovery session with me.
Speaker:Let's chat. Let's talk about things, and then you can learn more
Speaker:about my programs and how to work with me because I'd love to get to
Speaker:know you.
Speaker:Okay. Happy trails this week as you, you know,
Speaker:navigate lying without getting mad about it. I I believe in
Speaker:you. I know you can do it. Alright, mamas. I will
Speaker:see you or actually talk to you next week.