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When Kids Lie
Episode 1154th April 2024 • Become A Calm Mama • Darlynn Childress
00:00:00 00:26:25

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When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw). 

In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.

You’ll Learn:

  • Common lies kids tell and what might be behind them
  • Why getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpful
  • How to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior 
  • What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope

You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on! 

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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.

We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways. 

 

Why Kids Lie

When you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.

Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true. 

The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.

To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument. 

To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.

They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid. 

To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time. 

To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention. 

To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t trust that you won’t tell someone else about it. 

Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it. 

If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on. 

 

What To Do When Kids Lie

When our kids lie to us, we tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about them. We get really angry, so we're not neutral or curious about their behavior. That’s why, as always, getting calm is the first step. 

Get curious about their reason for lying. This is really helpful, because then you can tap into compassion and soothe that underlying fear that they have. Your response might change based on the need they are trying to get met with the lie. 

Don't corner your child. This is more challenging than it sounds because we feel strongly that we want our kids to confess. Especially as they get into the teenage years, it can feel like the decisions and behavior that they're lying about are dangerous. We get really worried, and we want them to tell us the truth so that we can problem solve with them. 

We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.

Think about it from your kid’s perspective. If they admit to the lie, they're busted for two things. They're busted for the problem behavior, and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the lie. There’s no benefit to them to confess.

Assume that they’re struggling, and that the lying is part of their coping. Don’t make it mean something terrible about them or about your relationship. 

Deal with the behavior, not the lying. When we get caught up in the lie and mad at our kid because they’re lying, we make it more difficult for them to feel safe with us. 

Telling the truth isn't a necessary part of the solution. When you have the information, you don't need to wait until your child confesses. You can just explain that this is what you believe to be true, and this is how we're moving forward. This is the consequence.

Another way you can approach this is by using preview. Say, “I'm gonna ask you a question, and you might not want to tell me the truth. You might want to lie to me. But whatever you did, I know it's not who you are. I love you, and it's totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you improve your behavior. Do you think you can be honest with me?”

If they tell the truth, great. If not, you can let them know the information you have that you believe to be true and what’s going to happen next. 

Be in your leadership energy. State the issue and what you believe to be true. Communicate what’s going to happen next (limit, consequence, etc.) and move on. Let them know you can handle their behavior, and that you’re not going anywhere. 

Give your child language to describe the outlandish stories they’re telling. Ask them, “Is this a tall tale or a true story? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that actually happened?” 

Stories are fun and imagination is great, but we do want to help our kids understand the difference and give them the opportunity to tell us the truth. 

Give reassurance. A lecture about why lying is disrespectful and they need to tell the truth doesn’t help. It actually makes it worse because you’re piling on the shame. It increases, rather than decreases, their insecurity (which is why they’re lying in the first place). 

Say something like, “You know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're still learning. You're still growing. I love you, and I'm not worried about you. It's okay to make mistakes. You’re going to fix this mistake and we’re going to move on.” 


Free Resources:

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✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

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✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

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Transcripts

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Alright. Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your

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host, Dianna Lynn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach,

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and I wanna talk today about lying because it comes

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up a lot in my coaching practice, and

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it seems to be almost like the I hate you

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conversation we had last week. It seems to be another one of those things that

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is really difficult for parents to deal with. Because it

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kind of has the same effect on you that

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I hate you does where it feels very personal and very

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disrespectful and, you know, just, like,

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wrong. Right? So it kinda feels like a moral issue, a

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thing that our children should not do. And just

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like we talked about, I hate you is a strategy that your

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child uses to communicate their negative

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emotion. Okay? Lying is similar.

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So, of course, when you find out that your child is

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lying or they are just adamantly refusing

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to tell you the truth, even though you have a lot of evidence

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that that they've done something wrong. It can feel like you're being

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betrayed or, you know, that there's some sort of,

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like, moral thing going on. But the truth is that

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lying is just a normal child behavior

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issue. It's not like a character flaw. It's not an issue of

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morality. It's a coping strategy. Just

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like hitting, just like,

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you know, running away from you when they're getting in trouble

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or, you know, saying I hate you or any of those strategies that your

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kids use, they're doing that to cope and

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communicate. Now one thing about lying is

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essentially your kids, they're they're immature

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and they use lying as a way to solve a

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problem. Okay? So they feel like there's

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a problem and they don't know how to get out of it. They don't know

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how to solve the problem. They can't really think of anything, and

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so they are gonna lie about it. It's, like,

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easy. It's an easy solution to them.

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So when your child doesn't wanna deal with the

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problem, they will lie and then that's their avoidance.

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So it's not about whether they respect you or

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not. It's not anything about that. I really think

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this conversation around disrespect and respect with kids

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gets super muddy for us and gets cloudy because

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we're not looking at their behavior from the

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lens of what's going on inside of your child, what's going

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inside on what's going on inside of your child or what's going on inside

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of them that is driving the behavior. You're

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looking at the behavior and its impact on you, and that

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doesn't really help your child change their behavior or learn

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about themselves or learn new strategies. So it

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is your job as a parent to teach your

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child how to solve problems that come up in their lives in

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better ways. Right? And that means that

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we can't get kind of trapped in the did you lied, you didn't,

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did you lie, like, we can't get trapped in that sort of discussion.

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We just have to talk about the problem and how they're using

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lying as a strategy and then give them a better

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strategy. Now lying is an interesting

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thing because the underlying motivations

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are a little bit more complicated than just any emotion

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because it's it's not just I'm scared

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so I'm going to lie. I mean, actually, as

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I say that, in most cases, the

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underlying emotion that drives

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lying is fear of some kind. But what

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that fear is is something that we can explore and talk about a

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little bit. So the first reason that kids lie,

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I'm gonna break down the reasons that they lie a little bit so you can

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understand. And, like, the idea with understanding why is so you

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have more compassion so that when you problem solve, your

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problem solving the underlying reason for the

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lying instead of just talking about the lying itself.

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So that's what I'm hoping by talking about, you know, the reasons that

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your kids lie. So the first, we all know this one. Right? They don't wanna

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get in trouble. So, you know, if you have an older

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kid like a teenager, they're like, my phone died, and that's why I didn't

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answer the phone or that's why I didn't call you back or that's why my

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location services were off or whatever. And most

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likely, they are late coming back

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or they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be or whatever, and they wanna

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avoid getting in trouble. So they say, my phone died.

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Or they lie and said they did the thing that they didn't do.

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They're like, I fed the dog. I did my homework. I did the chore. You

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know, I cleaned up or whatever. I walk the dog. And they

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are doing that because they don't want you to

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they don't wanna commit confess that they didn't do it

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because then they might have to do it, which is what they're trying to

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avoid. Or they don't they

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might have to get a big lecture from you and see the disappointment in your

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face, and they're actually lying to protect

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themselves from a negative

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view, your negative view of them or your negative

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judgment of them or your disappointment in them.

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So they're avoiding trouble and they're avoiding doing

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something that they want they don't wanna do. Right?

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But they also are lying to protect

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their identity, to protect

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you. In their mind, they're thinking, if

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my mom knows this about me, if she knows that I did this

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behavior, she won't like me very much. She'll be

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really mad at me. She'll be really disappointed in me. She'll think I'm a

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loser. She'll think I'm a bad person. She'll think something

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negative of me and I don't want my mom to think that about me,

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so I'm gonna lie. And it's to

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protect their identity and to protect your thoughts about

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them. Is it good? No. It's

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immature. Right? But that's what they're doing. And so we need to

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say, hey, no matter what you say, I'm not my, my thoughts

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about you aren't going to change. But what happens is when they're lying,

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we have a lot of negative thoughts about them And

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we're really angry, and so we're not neutral about their

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behavior. We're not curious about the behavior,

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especially when they're older. And, I mean, it happens at every age, but,

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like, if they're doing something dangerous, like they're vaping or

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they're do you know, they're not going to to class, like, as they get

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into the teenage years, it can feel like the the decisions that

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they're making, that they're lying to you about are dangerous. And so we

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get really worried and we wanna have them tell us the

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truth so then we can problem solve with them. But telling the

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truth isn't really part of the solution, to be honest.

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It's not necessary. If you know what's happening, if you know what

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the behavior is that they're doing, just move forward. You don't need to

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catch them. And I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sorry. Okay. So

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they lie to avoid trouble. They lie to protect

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themselves or protect you from negative thoughts

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about them. So that would look like I didn't do

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it. I forgot. It wasn't me. I don't know

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what happened. Yes. I ate my lunch.

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I'm fine. Right? So they don't want you to

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worry. They don't want you to lecture. They don't want you to think

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negatively of them. So they're lying to protect themselves.

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Because the thing is about, like, like, okay, we say most of the time we

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say, oh, they don't wanna get in trouble. But a lot of you are like,

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what? They don't my kids don't even get in trouble. Like, what are they afraid

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of? Doesn't even make any sense. So that's why I

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wanted to really talk about this on the podcast today of, like,

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I think most of the time, kids aren't actually lying to protect,

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to avoid trouble. They're actually lying to protect your

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thoughts about them, to keep you thinking they're good kids,

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especially, you know, the developmental questions. I

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love to go back to those because, you know, the developmental question from 3 to

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6 is, am I good or am I bad? They're trying to answer that question.

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They want to think my mom thinks I'm a good kid. And then

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but then if she shows that I did this bad thing, she's gonna think I'm

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a bad kid. Now we don't think of it that way. Right? We're like mistakes

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are neutral. They're fine. But our child is

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worried. And then the next developmental question

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is, the sorry. I

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got distracted. The next developmental question is, am I capable?

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Am I capable? Am I am is it am I am I good

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student? Am I good a good soccer player? Am I, you

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know, am I good at things? Right? Not like in my

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who I am inside? Am I good or bad? But, like, am I good at

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things? Am I capable? And they wanna protect your

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thought about them. They wanna protect their thought about them. Sometimes

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they lie and they actually believe that what they're saying is true.

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They, like, convince themselves and you're like, am I in the twilight zone?

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Or am I, like, on an episode of black mirror? What is happening here?

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So your child, they're avoiding trouble. Sure.

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But, really, they're avoiding your negative thoughts about them.

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And then sometimes they lie because they just don't wanna do something or they wanna

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avoid something. Right? So they just they don't they're like, I

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cleaned up all the toys. Can I have the iPad now? Because they

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want the iPad. Right? They're like,

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don't wanna get off the video game. So then you go in and they're like,

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the game took a long time to load. There was an update And you're like,

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no, there wasn't or you can't tell because you don't know. And it feels like

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they're lying and it's because they want more time on the game.

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They want the iPad. They want more time on the game or they don't wanna

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go to school. So they're like, I'm sick. And you're like, you're lying.

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And it's like, well, you just have to have better

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understanding of like, what is, what are your

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parameters for being sick? Like, does it have to be green snot? Does

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it have to be, you know, a fever? It does have to

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be diarrhea. Like, what are your reasons that you keep kids

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home? Because if you have a pattern where the kids constantly

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saying I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick, and you're like, I don't know if you're

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telling the truth, then maybe go send them to school and

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then see what happens. So they might also

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say, like, I don't have homework tonight or the test was postponed or we don't

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have to dress out. The they say we don't have to wear our PE clothes,

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stuff like that. So they're they're lying to avoid trouble. They're

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lying to protect their identity. They're lying

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to get out of something or avoid something or to get something.

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Sometimes kids lie because they wanna be seen.

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They might that's when you see, like, the kids who create, like, really grand

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stories, you know, just really out of out of crazy stuff.

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And they just want someone to listen to them. They want

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someone to pay attention, and they found a strategy to

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problem solve that to solve that problem of, like,

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feeling uninteresting or unimportant. And so then they

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tell these big stories, and then the people are like, what? Wait. What are you

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saying? You went to a basketball game and you went you had you sat. You

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played the game, like, in an NBA game. Like, it's sometimes it's so

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cuckoo. You're like, what is going on? And you're paying attention, and they're like, oh,

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now this is how I get people's attention. So you can solve that problem by

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giving them attention in other ways.

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2 other reasons that kids lie. 1 is maybe there's some bullying

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or some sort of embarrassing thing that has happened to them, and they don't want

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you to know or they don't want anyone to know, especially

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our kids. They kinda know that we talk to her like the other moms.

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And so sometimes they don't want you to tell the other

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moms, but they can't figure out a way to tell you that or they don't

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trust that you won't or, like, that you won't tell grandma or their aunt

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or the neighbor or something like that. So if your kids feel like you talk

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about them a lot, they might lie to you because they're

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not sure if you're trustworthy with their stories. So they might

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lie to avoid embarrassment or to keep

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something that is embarrassing to them hidden.

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And so maybe, you know, there's some kids

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who were taking you know, took their notebook and and threw it on the floor

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or, you know, cut their, you know, like, scraped their

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backpack or whatever and, like, made a mark on it. And you're like, what happened

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here? And then they lie and they tell you a different story or they're like,

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I don't know what happened. And maybe there's some other thing

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happening at school or in their life that they don't wanna talk about.

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So getting curious is really helpful, of course,

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like, you know, trying to figure out what

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their reason for lying is and then soothing that under

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underlying fear that they have.

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You know, whatever you say, I'm not gonna think negatively of you

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or, you know, what? I'm I'm here to

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pay attention. Right? So you're kind of meeting the unmet need.

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But what about the unmet need of avoiding trouble? What about the unmet

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need of, you know, getting something or avoiding something? Like,

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regular old, I didn't do it. She did it. I don't know what

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happened. Like, normal lying. Right? How do you handle

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that? So the first thing I wanna

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say about how to handle lying

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is really don't corner your child.

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And this is going to be actually more challenging

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than it sounds like because we

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do feel strongly that we want our kids to

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confess. And we believe that if they

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confess, then they're gonna be more likely to

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problem solve with us. So we kinda trap

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them, and we're, you know, trying to get them to tell us the

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truth. And if you put your child

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on the spot like that, you corner them, then they

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lie, then you keep asking them,

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then they finally admit they lied. Now they're busted for 2

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things. They're busted for the thing they didn't do or whatever problem,

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and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the

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lie. Like, there's no reason for them not

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to. Like, telling the truth and confessing doesn't

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serve them. They don't see any reason to do it.

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So in their mind, they're like, just get on with the punishment already.

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Like, does this talk okay? Fine. You know?

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What's the consequence? I actually had my

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son lie to me about something pretty big recently. I just remembered

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this. And, we had

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very concrete evidence that he was lying.

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And we were like he's like, that's not me. That's not mine. Blah blah blah

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blah. We're like, okay. You know what? We'll check again tomorrow, and we'll see what

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happens. And then we checked again tomorrow, and it was the same result. And we

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just moved on. So when you have

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the information, you don't need to wait until your child

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confesses. So instead of saying, did you throw all your

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books on the floor and putting them in a position to say yes

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or no? Instead, you're gonna say, I see your

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books are all on the floor. You're welcome to eat dinner once you put them

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back on the shelf and, like, go right in and set a limit.

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So not corning your cornering your child is really important.

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And then, like, I started to say, like, focusing on the

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behavior, not the lying. Right? So, consequently,

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the behavior, talking about the behavior. So, it's like we have this

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information. We believe it to be true and these are the consequences.

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So you don't need to get into, I can't do anything until they

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confess. You don't need that. You can just be

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like, this is what we believe to be true, and we're moving forward, and this

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is what we're doing. This is the consequence.

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So talking about it in this way

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and, you know, what's funny is that a couple weeks later, my son just

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casually admitted to the thing that he had done that he

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denied fervently for weeks. And we just

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were like, well, it doesn't matter whether you deny it or not. Like, we're just

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gonna believe it's true, and this is the consequence, and this is what we're doing.

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And a couple weeks went by, and he kind of was, like, started to

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smile about the thing, and then he admitted to the thing. And then now

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it's like, we all just know that that thing happened, and it's not a big

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deal. We didn't have to wait for him to confess

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and, like, corner him, and we know you did it. And I why are you

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lying to us? If you ever find yourself saying, why are

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you lying to us? Go back and listen to the first part of this podcast.

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Assume they're lying to avoid trouble. Assume they're lying to protect their

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identity. Assume they're lying to get what they want. Right?

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Just assume they're lying for those reasons and then move

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on. Deal with the behavior,

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not the lying. Okay? Now, you

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can if you know that something

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happened, like, say, the neighbor,

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saw your kid doing something wrong outside. Right? And the

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neighbor's like, hey. I saw your kid, and they were, you

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know, running. They, you know, they cross the street without looking or

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they were, you know, taking all the lemons off the tree

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or they did ding dong ditch to my house or whatever. Like, you're

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getting information or the teachers like, this happened today at

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school, and here's what happened or like a coach or whatever. Right?

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You have data. You have information. So you know what happened.

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And you want sometimes to say to your kids, like, did this happen?

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You know, and you want them to confess. Right? You wanna trap them. But we're

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not gonna trap our kids anymore. We're gonna say, we're

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gonna preview it. Like, that's the strategy, right, that I teach a lot where

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it's like, hey. I'm gonna ask you a question,

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and you might not wanna tell me the truth. You might wanna lie to

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me. But remember, like, whatever you

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did, your behavior, I know it's not who you

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are and that I love you and that we make mistakes, and it's

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totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you

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improve your behavior. So before, you

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know, before I ask you this question, I really want you to think about, are

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you gonna be honest? And you can even say, do you think

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you're gonna do do you think you're gonna be honest?

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And let them decide. Yes. I'm going to be honest even if they don't know

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the question. Or they might be like, I don't know. I don't know. Ask me.

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Ask me. I don't know. I don't know. What's happening? Right? They might feel really

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anxious. And you're like, okay. No problem. I'm just letting you know I

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love you, that nothing you do ever changes my opinion of

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you. And I'm just here to help you learn how to,

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you know, be in the world. K? So you preview it,

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and then you ask them the question. And then if they tell the truth, great.

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If they don't tell the truth, no problem. You just led to saying,

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well, this is the information we have. We believe it to be true,

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and this is what's happening next. So, again,

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we're not cornering. We're giving our children a lot

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of grace, and we're assuming that they're

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struggling and that the lying is part of their coping.

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So what do you do about, like, low level lies? Like, you know, did you

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eat these cookies? And they're like, you know,

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no. My brother did it or whatever. And then

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you go to serve dessert, like, a couple days later or get ice

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cream or something. And you're like, no. I'm not gonna get you ice cream today

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because I know you ate cookies earlier this week. And they're like, I didn't do

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it. You go, well, that's okay. I believe it was true.

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So that's why I'm not absorbing cookies. Like, always being in your

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leadership energy there. Sometimes with, like,

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kids under 6, just a lot of times,

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you don't have you don't you're lying to me. I know you are. Like, kids

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under 6 lie a lot. They have this, like, they found this good

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strategy to avoid, discomfort, and they're like, they just

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go for it. And if they really grow out of it because then they

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start to know that you can handle their behavior and that they're a

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good kid and there's no problem here. So a lot of times we see

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lying from ages 3 to 6, 3 to 7

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quite a bit because they want you to believe they're good and they

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don't wanna tell you that they were quote, unquote bad.

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So you can just kind of, like, move on. Just give a

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correction or, you know, connect with them, set a limit, follow through

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on it. No problem. Really, this whole episode is,

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like, don't corner your kid. Don't try to get a confession. Don't

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put on a lie detector test in your parenting. None of it

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is important. Then the other

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strategy when your kids are, like, doing those really outlandish,

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crazy stories, I'd love for you

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to give them a language to describe what it is.

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Like, you know, in some vernacular, people call those tall

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tales. Right? Or, you know, you could say, is

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this a story or is this a true story?

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Are you telling me a story? Are you telling me a truth? And you're

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gonna kinda create language around what's a

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story and what's not. Because stories are fun

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and imagination is fine and it's great to have escapes and

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imagine crazy cool things happening, but we do wanna help our

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kids understand the difference. So is this a story or

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is this the truth? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that

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actually happened? That's another way to ask it.

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And so if you say, well, this sounds like a story, and I want you

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to tell me the truth. So what really happened?

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So you could try again. So we're giving our kids a

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lot of, new language around, you know, what's the story

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and what's the truth and giving them an opportunity to tell the truth.

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Alright. So my hope for you in this episode

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is that you don't get caught up on

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lying. Like, just don't make it a thing. Move on.

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That if you know that the behavior happened, like,

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you you have the evidence, like, the cookies are on the counter or those, you

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know, the thing is broken, just be like, yeah. Okay.

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Well, it doesn't really matter what the stories are here. What is true

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is that the cookies are here, and you were the only one in the kitchen,

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so I'm gonna believe that you broke it or whatever. Like, just move

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forward as if they had told you the truth. And then

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follow through the rest of the process with your consequences and things like

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that. So when your child is

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lying, the last little thing so don't corner them.

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But I want you to realize that they need reassurance, actually. It's

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such a moment where you're you wanna shame them and, like, convince them that

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they shouldn't do that. And they're they're lying and you shouldn't do that. You need

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to tell the truth and that's not respectful and you wanna give them a little

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lecture. That actually makes it worse.

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It makes their insecurity, increase

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instead of decrease. What we wanna be saying to our kids is,

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you know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're

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still learning. You're still growing. I'm not worried about you. And

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it's okay to make mistakes, and I'm just gonna move forward. And you're gonna fix

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this mistake. No problem. And we're gonna move on. I love you,

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and it's not an issue. It's not a problem. So we get caught up

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in the lie, and then we get really mad at our kid, and we actually

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make it more difficult for them to feel safe with

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us. And that's the last thing I want for your kids.

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Okay. If you have any questions about this,

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please reach out to me. You can DM me on Instagram at

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Darlyn Childress, or you can book us a consultation with me at

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commama coaching.com. And if you have a

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teenager, I wanna invite you to the

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emotionally healthy teen class. It's a 6 week parenting

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class where we talk specifically about teenagers, what

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they are struggling with, what they need from you, and

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then how to set limits and boundaries with teenagers so that

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you don't stress out as much, and then also how to have better conversations

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with them. So it's a really great class. I love it, and I

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only teach it twice a year. So the next one starts April 15th.

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The cost is $397. We're meeting on

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Mondays at 12 noon, 3 PM EST. I

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tried to find the best time I could for people.

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And, yeah, it starts April 15th.

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You can sign up at com mama coaching.com under programs. And if you're

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curious about that class, again, book a consultation with me, and we can talk about

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it, see if it's the right fit for you and your teenager. So, of course,

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I'm always encouraging you to book that free discovery session with me.

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Let's chat. Let's talk about things, and then you can learn more

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about my programs and how to work with me because I'd love to get to

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know you.

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Okay. Happy trails this week as you, you know,

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navigate lying without getting mad about it. I I believe in

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you. I know you can do it. Alright, mamas. I will

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see you or actually talk to you next week.

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