In memory of Mikey Gilhooly - 2/17/10 - 7/18/24

In this bonus episode, I reflect on the heart-wrenching experience of losing my dog, Mikey, after 14 and a half years together. I try my best to share the intense process of recognizing Mikey's decline, making the agonizing decision to let him go, and the overwhelming and unexpected level of grief that followed.

00:01

Hello everyone. This is, I guess, a bonus episode, and it is something that was requested by my friend Emily. And I think it's because we talk so much about loss and grief. And if you know me personally or if you're friends with me on any kind of social media, you know that I share a lot of what's going on in my life. So over the last six months or so,

00:29

My older dog, Mikey, started showing signs of decline. And I think for a long time, I just kind of brushed it off and thought, you know, Mikey, he's 14 and he's gonna live forever because he has an entirely large amount of energy. And he is always going and running into things and running all over the place and just loving on every single person that he meets.

00:57

So when I first started seeing the decline, it was just like, I guess blinders in a way. I didn't know how to process that, so I didn't. And then it started getting a little bit more and his legs started shaking and I had to raise his dinner bowl and things just started coming up a lot quicker. So I brought him to the vet and the vet.

01:23

thought maybe it was arthritis, and then there was a little bit of aging happening in his brain. And so we started some medicine and that didn't work. And then we started some shots and that was supposed to take a couple months. But it turns out we didn't have a couple months because as those weeks started going by quicker, I just noticed more and more and he was falling more and he would spend hours and hours.

01:50

walking around the couch, walking around the house, not sitting down, not sitting still. And then I noticed he wasn't laying down on his own and that I would have to place him in a laying down position. And then he would fall right asleep because he was just so exhausted and moving through the house in a way that wasn't like his normal self. It was like he was lost and he would get stuck in corners. And slowly but surely I started to realize that, oh.

02:19

this puppy that I've had for over 14 years is not going to live forever. And I always used to tell people that Mikey was going to live forever or he was going to die doing something really silly, like jumping over something he shouldn't have and really hurting himself. And it turns out that he is mortal. So early in July, I started...

02:48

having some of his favorite humans come over and visit with him because I knew that there was going to be a time in which I was going to have to make decisions because not only was he changing, but he was also having more accidents in the house and he wasn't able to sleep through the night and all of that was also affecting me because I was so worried. And I guess it's probably similar to having a kid and thinking through that and how to take care of...

03:17

someone when you have always taken care of them and things are changing and you're not sure how to fix it. Before I get into this next part I just want to say you know like I adopted Mikey when I was 29 years old and he was 10 weeks old and we basically grew up together. I don't remember my life without Mikey.

03:43

We moved many times, different houses, different states. He flew in a private jet across the country to move to Colorado. He was in the car with me and my friend Tracy as I moved back to Florida from Colorado. He got a sister, Molly, who, as much as I think they intentionally ignored each other, I think they also liked having the other one around. We...

04:13

just spent so much time together. And then the pandemic happened. And so I was working from home or, and he was by my side all day. And every time I moved, he would move with me and he would follow me and he would be my shadow. And sometimes that would be annoying. And other times I would love it.

04:34

05:04

He wasn't the dog that I knew he wanted to be.

05:11

And so after a lot of research and watching every video and every article that told me you're going to have to make this hard decision, I reached out to Lap of Love, which is, if you don't know, please look it up if you're ever in this circumstance, because it is the single best decision that I made in this really, really horrible, hard time in my life. From, I called the company and I hung up.

05:41

because I didn't think that I was going to be able to say the words out loud without crying, without choking on the words. And so I hung up and then I got the nerve about an hour later and I called back and I could not have spoken to a kinder person and a caring person as if she had known Mikey too. And so we scheduled...

06:08

We scheduled the time for them to come over and help Mikey.

06:16

We took him on a bunch of walks.

06:20

that day. He loved it, but he couldn't do it. It was really hard for him. But we got to see his smiles. We got him ice cream the night before, and he loved it, but he didn't finish it. I got him a hamburger from Dairy Queen just because it was closer, and he loved it, but he couldn't finish it.

06:45

and about 30 minutes before the doctor came over.

06:51

He was doing his pacing and he was walking around and he was just doing what he had been doing for the last couple months. And he came over to us. We were sitting on the floor.

07:04

And he sat in between us and he just laid down on his own for the first time in a long time. And he put his head in my hands and it was like he was saying, okay, I'm ready. And I love you.

07:21

And I'm so grateful for that moment. Sorry.

07:26

I'm so grateful for that moment because...

07:32

After the session, there was so much guilt and so much pain. Did I do the right thing? Was it the right time?

07:42

And if I hadn't had that moment, I think it would have been harder to get through.

07:48

In any case, lap of love came over her and the doctor could also not have been any kinder than she was. She was so patient and she explained everything and she loved on Mikey and she gave Molly some love. And then we went through the process and we said goodbye.

08:12

And then I thought, okay, I did this. It was what needed to happen because he was suffering and it was painful for him. And I thought, okay, you know, I did the right thing. We looked for distraction and so our kind neighbors took us out to eat. Well, we went out to eat with our neighbors and got distracted for a little bit.

08:40

came home and tried to be a little bit normal, and went to bed, which was hard because Mikey was always there. It was always part of how I went to bed. And I would always listen for him in the middle of the night to make sure that he had what he needed and if he needed to go out and those kinds of things. But overall, I went to bed and I was sad, of course, but I was like, okay, I'm gonna go through this. I lost my mom when I was eight and I struggled through that grief and I somehow...

09:09

came through on the other side 20 years later. And then I went through the loss of my grandmother and really felt like I did grief right. So I was going into this thinking, I know how to do this. It just seems to be okay. Like I can do this. And then I woke up on Friday morning and all I had to do was take Molly out and feed Molly and everything.

09:38

came crashing down. It was unexpected. And the grief was so heavy, so heavy. I called my boss and I said, I don't think I can function today. I think I need to take the time to process whatever my body and my mind and my heart are doing. And everything hurt. And I stayed in bed for...

10:08

hours. I was staying in bed till maybe noon, which if you know me, that's a rare thing. And I didn't eat and I just was like, how do I do this? Everything hurt. Everything reminded me of Mikey. Everything was Mikey because he had been by my side for 14 and a half years and now he's not. And the house is quiet.

10:37

and I didn't know if I was gonna be okay.

10:43

I am, I'm okay. It's been a little over a week now. And we spent last weekend going to a bunch of stores and putting together a little space in the house for Mikey. We framed pictures that covered his moods. One sleeping, one smiling, one very, you know, I don't know, handsome, I guess we should say. And then one just looking off into the light, just enjoying the light.

11:13

and we put up a shelf so that we could bring his ashes home. And we just got all these nice cards and plants and all these things from people unexpectedly that knew how much he meant to me. And maybe they knew even more. So I guess the whole point of this is that, wow, I did not anticipate the grief of losing a pet to be this hard. And that sounds terrible to say out loud,

11:43

I think you know what I mean. I think sometimes we look at the loss of other humans and we're like, wow, that's intense, which it is. It's not something that I want anyone to have to go through, but unfortunately we're all going to go through it in our own ways. But then losing a pet, they see you at your worst. They see you at your best. They see you all day long, every day. They're there all the time, more than any other person.

12:13

and they're your comfort when you're having a bad day. And the one thing that I wish I had realized earlier about Mikey, and I said to this earlier, I used to say he was crazy. Like he just was so wild. There was no off switch for Mikey. And what I've realized a little late was that Mikey loved life. He wanted to get every ounce of life.

12:43

out of every moment. And that's why he followed me around. That's why he ran to the door. That's why he ran all over the place. Why he greeted everyone with a smile. Why he jumped all over the place. Because he wanted to get there first and fast and absorb it all.

12:59

wish I had realized that.

13:04

But I know it now. And I'm still in this grief process. And I am so thankful that my friends around me have allowed me to grieve out loud, whether that be through social media, whether that be through text messages, whether that is, I don't know, smoke signals or something. But...

13:33

can't imagine having gone through this without being able to just tell people that I wasn't okay.

13:44

So I don't know why I did this bonus episode besides Emily asking me to. But I hope that listening to it, you give yourself grace when something is unexpectedly hard and devastating and you don't know how to handle it despite thinking, oh, I got this. Because this...

14:12

experience I could not have predicted. From the beginnings of just denying that things were declining in the way that they were, to having to make that terrible, hard decision, but choosing the best option that I ever could imagine and will always recommend to people, to going through that moment, to waking up the next day and realizing that I wasn't okay.

14:43

and going through each day saying that I missed him, thinking about him, being sad about it, and then going through moments where I could get through it, and then going through days where I didn't cry, and then realizing that I felt bad that I didn't cry. All of it reminds me that I am doing my best to be the most full human that I could be.

15:13

And if I didn't have all these things, maybe I would be a little bit worried about myself. So, I'm gonna wrap this up. I didn't have any plans for this, but I wanna leave this with a message to Mikey.

15:33

You were my wild child, and you loved with all of your being. And I hope that I can learn just a little bit from this experience with you in the last 14 and 1.5 years.

15:58

Goodnight, buddy.