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Thick Raven Beak Park
Episode 2 • 12th June 2025 • Grack Public Access • StereoForest
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In this episode of Grack Public Access, hosts Tog and Parker head to Thick Raven Beak Park for their second show with a theme of soccer and the threat of mystery nearby. Parker endures getting covered in tree sap, a call from his overbearing mother, and an ill-advised dip in the park's lake.

They also touch upon local Grackleton's very important events and happenings, like the upcoming Corn Cake Bake-Off and the Alliston seed potato shortage. What a crop!

This episode was sponsored by Grackleton's favourite mayonnaise.

Credits, contact, and more info

This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, edited, directed, and produced by Jen deHaan. Some elements of this show are scripted, but most of it is improvised by the cast.

You can also find the character Tog Chesterfield in the completed audio drama Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama wherever you find podcasts.

Cast:

  • Jen deHaan as Tog Chesterfield, Melinda Spoon, additional voices
  • Adam as Parker Spoon

Any guests noted in show notes above.

Production and Links

Artwork, logo, and graphics: Jen deHaan.

Transcript: For each episode on their page on this show's page at StereoForest here.

More show info/contact: stereoforest.com/grack

Support the show (one time tip): stereoforest.com/tip

Review this show: On Podchaser here podchaser.com/grackpublicaccess

Chat in Discord about this show: discord.gg/qBQCJP8Swf

Comedy and audio fiction newsletter: StereoForest.com/subscribe

Follow on social media: YouTube, Bluesky, TikTok

This podcast is a StereoForest production. Made and produced in British Columbia, Canada.

Mentioned in this episode:

Midroll ad: Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama

Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama is an audio fiction series set in the fictional town of Grackleton. Tog Chesterfield shares how they got off of rock bottom through a series attempts at restarting life. You’ll hear their story, in addition to many voices from Grackleton. It is a comedy that explores themes of mental health. It has some mystery and intrigue too. Produced by StereoForest. Find the episodes on StereoForest at StereoForest.com/UYL. This audio fiction series is complete! Now follow Tog Chesterfield in their new show with Parker Spoon, Grack Public Access.

Unfuck Your Life

Transcripts

WEBVTT

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

"Grack Public Access."

::

You're listening to "Grack Public Access" here on 101.7 FM

::

the Grack in Grackleton.

::

I'm Tog Chesterfield, one of your hosts,

::

and your other host is--

::

that's you, Perf.

::

I prefer-- so just so you know, going forward,

::

do you mind saying that part?

::

Yeah.

::

Because I-- when I--

::

Oh.

::

Yeah, because I don't like the way--

::

Yeah.

::

Because when I say the second word there, my last name,

::

it always sounds weird to me.

::

Oh.

::

Oh, your own name?

::

This-- yeah, I don't want to say it.

::

A spoon.

::

I'll say it, spoon.

::

Thank you.

::

Thank you.

::

So you don't like saying your last name?

::

OK, well, the other thing that we could do is I could say--

::

and the other co-host, Park--

::

oh, you could say that.

::

Wait, the other co-host, and you could say Parker,

::

and then I could say spoon, if you want.

::

Do you want to try that?

::

I don't-- no.

::

OK.

::

Well, let's--

::

OK, I'll just introduce you.

::

Can we go--

::

How about that?

::

Can we go past this part, please?

::

Let's go past this part.

::

OK, so this is episode number two.

::

This is the second episode that we've done.

::

And today's show sponsor, we have a sponsor today.

::

It's Guilford's Mays.

::

And they want me to say it's now in vegan.

::

I have been eating Guilford's Mays since I was very--

::

I'm assuming since I was a fledgling Parker, you know?

::

Because we're in Gragholtown and it's a bit worse.

::

Yeah, and it was--

::

it's amazing because it's not quite tangy

::

and it's not quite smooth, which, you know,

::

it's right in the middle, which I like.

::

No, I like that.

::

It's right in the middle.

::

And I think the reason why we all like it,

::

if we're from Gragholtown, is it's recommended,

::

if you're born here, like in the hospital,

::

to give your kids the mayonnaise.

::

That's like a nutritional thing.

::

I don't know if it actually is nutritional

::

or if they did a deal with the hospital or something.

::

But yeah, we're all pretty much raised on Guilford's mayonnaise,

::

aren't we?

::

I have to tell you, before we progress any further,

::

that I've been having some, you know, anxiety

::

about the show this week because it's our second show.

::

And I got a lot of--

::

I got a lot of negative feedback from our first show.

::

Oh, no.

::

Negative about you or about the whole show?

::

No, no, they loved you.

::

Yeah, they said that they thought that--

::

Here, I brought the--

::

No, I mean, no, I'm not--

::

--the tissues again.

::

Here, thanks.

::

Yeah, here you go.

::

Oh, shoot, some of them are blowing away.

::

We're outside, everybody.

::

We'll tell you where we are in a second.

::

But here you go, Parker.

::

I don't know who wrote that, because they were emails,

::

but they all seemed to come from weird addresses

::

that had a lot of numbers and letters in them.

::

And they were complaining about my voice,

::

and they did not like a lot of the parts.

::

They didn't like it when I was pretending to be a shockjack.

::

Yeah, I can see that would be rough in our listener segment

::

or whatever they call that.

::

The radio station would know.

::

I don't really know.

::

Our listenership or something, they

::

wouldn't like shocking stuff.

::

I just don't think they thought that I was good,

::

because they said several things about me as a person.

::

And I don't want to get into them right now.

::

But it could--

::

Yeah, but anyway, so I'm going to try--

::

But anyway--

::

I'm going to try not--

::

Parker, I think maybe if they had a lot of numbers

::

in their names, though, it might not be real.

::

Like, those might be bots or something.

::

They were very specific bots, I'll tell you that much.

::

Very specific bots.

::

That's the kind of bots they are.

::

They were very hurtful bots.

::

And if this is going to be the future of a bunch of bots

::

that are, to say, hurtful, and just--

::

they got right into my heart.

::

Right into your heart, yeah.

::

Well, maybe we'll change the email settings.

::

How about?

::

But listen, I'm not here to bring this down.

::

Look where we are.

::

Look where we are.

::

So yeah, that's a great segue into where we are today.

::

We are here at Thick Raven Beak Park, as many of you

::

will know from Outer Grack.

::

So we're way out in Outer Grack right now at the park.

::

And our theme this week that we've been given by the radio

::

station is soccer.

::

Soccer.

::

So that's our theme that we've got to talk about, Parker.

::

I don't know anything about soccer myself.

::

I don't know much about it, but I'll tell you what.

::

Whenever I see people making the foul shots

::

and going up and down the hoops and all that kind of stuff,

::

it brings me joy.

::

Because I want people to be more sporty.

::

Sporty.

::

Yeah, it would be wonderful to have everybody be sporty

::

and coming around.

::

I don't know if you see behind the picnic.

::

The people with the picnic over there?

::

Yeah, no, I--

::

Yeah, I see them.

::

OK, just so you--

::

I like to be aware of my surroundings.

::

Yeah, no, we should be, especially after last time,

::

at the Olive Hollow.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

OK, just they're looking this way.

::

That's the only reason I see them.

::

Yeah, no, I see.

::

I see they're kind of narrowing their eyes.

::

So I think they are trying to look into the distance,

::

which would be approximately where we are located.

::

Yeah, the one lady's--

::

Yeah, because we're in their distance.

::

We're in our proximity, but in their distance.

::

Yeah, the one lady--

::

she's-- we're in her distance.

::

OK, OK, but this is great.

::

Yeah, we're in their distance.

::

Yeah, no, we're doing good.

::

So in today's show, Listener, we have community connections.

::

So we're going to talk about things

::

from the GRAC community that have been sent in

::

to the Gragilton Gazette.

::

And we have Taste of Gragilton, where

::

Parker and I will talk about things

::

that we've eaten or food that we've encountered this week.

::

And then we have my favorite, Tuber Talk,

::

and Parker's favorite, Corn Corner,

::

as our final segment of the day.

::

So I'm excited about those segments on today's show.

::

Are you, Parker?

::

So do we want to take the one and a sign?

::

I can tell you.

::

Yeah, yeah.

::

We'll start with community connections.

::

We'll do one segment.

::

We'll do them sequentially.

::

I just don't want to be overwhelmed with too many--

::

No.

::

OK, great.

::

No, so I mean, that would be pretty--

::

that would be pretty wild.

::

Starting with community connection

::

and then talk about Tuber's.

::

Don't get me wild after the negative--

::

should I just, in their faces, do it?

::

Oh, do it.

::

Do it.

::

Yeah.

::

Who cares about what the bots might think?

::

Just do it.

::

Don't get me--

::

is this the voice I did last time?

::

That does sound like it, Parker.

::

All this talk about doing too many segments is making me wild.

::

Oh.

::

Well, I think we should get pretty

::

shocking with some of our views on Tuber's and Corn

::

near the end.

::

That would be good.

::

Mine really aren't.

::

Yeah, I don't think I have any scandalous thought about Tuber's.

::

So let's start with community connections.

::

So let me just get--

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

--Grat Connect.

::

I have advice.

::

Happy birthday.

::

Where are you?

::

I printed them out before I got here,

::

because I knew that we'd be on the road for this show.

::

Here we go.

::

So the first one is a piece of advice.

::

We have some advice that's being sent in by Tog Blankett, who

::

says, after perfecting my corn cake recipe for the bake-off

::

in 13 weeks, my advice is to keep your recipe secret

::

by leaving your curtains closed whenever you make the recipe.

::

I have already had three neighbors

::

try to watch me with binoculars.

::

None of this is shocking.

::

Wow.

::

None of this is shocking.

::

Yeah, I mean, that's how it works around bake-off season.

::

Yeah, I mean, there's several times

::

that I've participated in it.

::

And I've come in--

::

well, once I came in second to last place,

::

which was a triumph for me in a way, because it was--

::

Yeah.

::

--it wasn't last place.

::

But I had several neighbors.

::

They were looking in.

::

One of them actually was in my kitchen

::

while I was cooking, but without my permission.

::

Right, without your permission.

::

So they snuck right into your domicile?

::

This is back when I was living with mother.

::

Yeah, I was going to say if it was when you were a roommate

::

with me, I would be pretty shocked by that happening.

::

No, and in fairness to the situation,

::

and I want to be one of my goals for this podcast

::

is always to be fair and honest.

::

It was a friend of my mom's.

::

So--

::

Oh, well, that makes sense.

::

So my mom may have invited her in, but I was cooking up

::

my okra pancakes.

::

And when okra season hits, it's exciting.

::

And I turned around, and like a specter, she was there.

::

That sound-- you know what?

::

I would maybe pee my pants if that happened.

::

It was horrible.

::

And I said, be gone, because I thought it was a specter.

::

So you really thought that it was like a supernatural

::

that was in your presence?

::

She has very translucent skin.

::

I don't know if it's a--

::

No, I know that thing.

::

Yeah.

::

And we have a very old light in our kitchen.

::

Well, we did when I lived with it.

::

She still has it.

::

Mom still has it.

::

Right.

::

So this person was basically see-through.

::

Yes.

::

Yeah.

::

I saw her.

::

I could have sworn at some point, I saw the part that--

::

we don't know that we have them, but we have them at the back.

::

Appendix?

::

A duedium?

::

Well, it's-- I'm going to say no, but it could be yes,

::

because I just don't know anaTogy.

::

There's part of the back of the eye

::

that connects the eye to the rest of the face.

::

Like a nerve of some sort?

::

Yeah, there you go.

::

I saw that.

::

A nerve of some sort.

::

I saw that.

::

On her.

::

You saw the back of her eye nerve?

::

Wow.

::

That must have been pretty shocking.

::

I was-- yeah, it was.

::

I don't laugh.

::

Please?

::

I won't.

::

I won't.

::

I'm sorry, Parker.

::

No, that's OK.

::

I'm sorry.

::

Listen, I know you're not laughing.

::

No, we can laugh together, but that was--

::

We can laugh together, yeah.

::

We shouldn't laugh at medical issues, though.

::

Yes, you should.

::

And then you're right.

::

It's funny.

::

But--

::

Is it?

::

Oh, you look nice.

::

You're cute.

::

You're cute.

::

The lady with the hat and the picnic bench,

::

the picnic blanket is waving at me.

::

Hi.

::

You're cute.

::

Hi.

::

How are you?

::

Both of you are a little cute.

::

But she's waving at me.

::

She has a smile now.

::

Yeah, it's-- yeah, she seems very content and not alarmed.

::

So that's good.

::

We're doing good so far, Parker.

::

Oh, this is amazing.

::

I'm so happy.

::

Should I--

::

Go on next-- sorry, next--

::

Next-- next communique.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, no, I talk too much, too.

::

But I've got to read this one.

::

I brought it with me.

::

Oh, shoot.

::

Got out of order because of the wind.

::

OK, here we are.

::

Oh, this one's an event.

::

It's, again, about the corn cake.

::

Oh, this is the corn cake date setting gala.

::

The date that's being set for the corn cake, the gala

::

where we learn what date it's going to be on,

::

is in room 2B at the community center at 3.30 PM next Monday.

::

Can I provide color commentary?

::

Absolutely.

::

I mean, you're the corn assert.

::

[LAUGHTER]

::

I wanted to say that one so much.

::

That's it.

::

You just kind of overshadowed what I was going to say.

::

Oh, oh.

::

No, no, no, no.

::

Oh, I'm sorry.

::

At the top, that's OK.

::

You would--

::

I'm sorry.

::

I should have saved it for a different time

::

when you didn't have something on mind.

::

No, but mine was kind of late.

::

I was going to say, because you said the room was 2B.

::

And I was going to say, 2B or not 2B, like the--

::

Oh.

::

Like the bard.

::

Like the bard.

::

Shakespeare.

::

Yeah.

::

Shakespeare.

::

Yeah, Shakespeare said that.

::

2B or not 2B.

::

But it is going to be 2B.

::

2B?

::

Yeah.

::

It is 2B.

::

It's going 2B, 2B.

::

I can't--

::

At the community center at 3.30 PM next Monday.

::

Well, that'll be exciting, because we--

::

Oh, it is.

::

--when we finally find out.

::

Oh, when we find out what date the corn cake--

::

the corn cake bake-off is going to be, I mean,

::

then we've got the countdown that happens after that.

::

You know.

::

I mean, everybody looks at that when

::

they go to the town center.

::

It's almost like-- and it's not quite, because it's not--

::

it's a little bit--

::

Christmas is not as festive as this.

::

No.

::

This is it for graphically.

::

It's almost like having an Avent calendar.

::

It is, yeah.

::

But the Avent calendar, depending

::

on how it could be one day or it could be 100 days,

::

because we've had both after the date-setting event.

::

We have, yeah.

::

No, sometimes it's very long, and it's

::

almost like that additional anticipation

::

makes it a bigger event.

::

So if it is more days, it's kind of--

::

it's like Christmas plus plus.

::

It is.

::

And then I remember several days where it was--

::

well, of course, everyone remembers 2017,

::

when it was 25 minutes in advance.

::

Oh.

::

Yeah.

::

That was a surprise.

::

Oh, gosh.

::

Oh, my gosh.

::

It's like, here we are, and now we're--

::

well, now we're driving.

::

Good thing we always have corn on the go, right?

::

Everything was half raw at that time.

::

But it was-- that's what makes it so wonderful, because--

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Well, we all remember it, don't we?

::

I'll never stop talking about it.

::

Yeah.

::

My friend Shirley got trichinosis.

::

Trichinosis?

::

Trichinosis?

::

I think trichinosis.

::

I think trichinosis.

::

Like, it's a trick.

::

It's a trick.

::

Yeah, my friend Shirley got trichinosis.

::

And she got very dehydrated.

::

That's always--

::

I mean, they've got that little medical thing

::

in the corner of the bake-off, just in case--

::

just in case these things happen.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, and by the way, listener, neither of us are doctors.

::

No, no.

::

We've been talking about some doctor-like things.

::

We generally do, both of us, Parker and I.

::

But we just want to clarify, we're not doctors,

::

so don't use this as a doctor show.

::

I know nothing about medicine or anything like that.

::

No.

::

But we both worry about it a lot.

::

Oh, my god.

::

Goodness.

::

Sorry, god.

::

Goodness, my goodness.

::

Goodness gracious.

::

I just want to hedge my bets, because I

::

don't want to say anything negative about anybody.

::

OK, so the next community and our final community

::

connection-- let me just see if the--

::

oh, right here.

::

Good.

::

Maureen Foskluutov is looking for the--

::

yeah, Maureen.

::

Maureen's a friend of the show.

::

Yeah.

::

Is looking for the first person to set the date for the corn--

::

the corn cake bake-off for an exclusive interview.

::

Oh, is looking for the first person that ever set the date

::

for the corn cake bake-off.

::

Can I read that?

::

She's looking for the first person.

::

Yeah, that set the date.

::

That set the--

::

oh, so I don't understand that.

::

Yeah, so the very first person that ever did the date setting,

::

that set the date in Grackleton for the corn cake bake-off.

::

She cannot find the name, because the official binder

::

was not returned to the Grackleton Regional Library,

::

and it's been checked out since 1983.

::

Oh.

::

Oh.

::

Oh my god.

::

So she's looking for that information of the very first

::

person that did the date setting.

::

OK, well, we'll have to figure that out.

::

Maybe-- oh, maybe we can try to--

::

it can be a show mystery, you know?

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Yeah, that would be a good mystery, because I mean,

::

I just read this right now, and I'm like, wow,

::

I never even really thought about the very first person

::

and the first corn cake bake-off.

::

Are you OK, Parker?

::

No, I'm--

::

I think I'm--

::

we're just saying to the audience,

::

so we can paint a beautiful, visual seascape.

::

Yeah, because we're not on camera.

::

We're only-- you're listening to us with your ears.

::

We can paint a seascape for everybody.

::

Even though we're nowhere near the sea.

::

It's just an expression.

::

Yeah.

::

So we can paint a beautiful seascape for everybody.

::

We're landlocked.

::

Well, we're landlocked here in Grackleton,

::

but we're going to paint a seascape.

::

We are under a large tree.

::

I don't know what kind of tree this is, but there is--

::

I am actively getting covered in sap, it appears.

::

It's-- yeah, do you see--

::

You are.

::

--my arm?

::

No, I see.

::

Yeah, it's glistening now that it sits in the sun a lot.

::

Yeah, it was OK.

::

And the funny part is there's hairs on my arm

::

that are like stalagmites.

::

My arm hairs, do you see how they're kind of--

::

Like daggers.

::

They're like little daggers.

::

They're like the daggers.

::

Watch this.

::

Watch this.

::

I swoon my arm.

::

Oh, OK.

::

I'll stop.

::

I'm sorry.

::

That's kind of scary.

::

She's waving again.

::

Hi.

::

Oh, she is.

::

Hi.

::

Oh, maybe she's looking at the fact

::

that you're covered in sap now.

::

I don't know.

::

I'm talking.

::

I'm sorry.

::

I'll be quiet.

::

Oh, like she's covering her kid's eyes.

::

Oh.

::

No.

::

Oh.

::

Oh, that's fine.

::

That's-- I don't--

::

I didn't mean to--

::

Yeah, it's not really a dagger arm.

::

I would sap it.

::

It's just sap.

::

Maybe she can't tell from the distance,

::

because we're in their distance.

::

Yes.

::

And we're in close proximity to us, but not them.

::

Not to them.

::

Not to my children.

::

So I can see it, but she probably

::

doesn't know what she's--

::

Yeah, just so everyone knows.

::

We're talking higher, like pretty much,

::

within five feet of each other right now.

::

Let's be friends.

::

Yeah, we're really--

::

Yeah, we're really close, even though you can't tell,

::

because we're both--

::

you know, we brought the mobile microphones today.

::

And we're recording.

::

We have so much to do.

::

I'm sorry.

::

Yeah, oh, we need to go to an ad now.

::

So we have an ad, a friend of the show's ad.

::

And we'll be back with more "Grack Public Access."

::

Should I walk to the other side of the outhouse

::

just while you do the ad?

::

So because is it--

::

Yeah, yeah, you'll have time.

::

OK.

::

Yeah, you'll have time.

::

Yeah, I'll be back.

::

We'll do the ad.

::

OK, bye.

::

Bye.

::

Bye, everybody.

::

OK, bye.

::

Bye, everybody.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Hi.

::

I'm Jen Dahan for "Grack Public Access,"

::

and I'm not holding any mayonnaise here today

::

to tell you about the show sponsor, which is Guilford's

::

mayonnaise.

::

I guess I should have started off with that, and I didn't.

::

But I have this note here.

::

Gil Guilford couldn't come and drop me off the mayonnaise

::

that I needed for this ad.

::

I just-- I needed to be holding it.

::

I should-- I mean, I've tried it before I've eaten it.

::

But I got this note about what Gil wanted me to say

::

about the mayonnaise, and it's now in vegan.

::

Now in vegan.

::

I wrote that down.

::

Now in vegan.

::

Mayonnaise.

::

Actually, I thought all mayonnaise was vegan.

::

I guess it's not, because now it's coming in vegan, which

::

would imply that mayonnaise is not vegan, which is funny,

::

because I'm a vegan.

::

I'm a vegan, and I didn't know that mayonnaise could come

::

in vegan, and not all mayonnaise is vegan.

::

Right.

::

So Guilford's mayonnaise.

::

You can-- it's not all vegan.

::

God, anyways, Guilford's mayonnaise for "Grack Public

::

Access," today's sponsor.

::

And you can get that wherever you get your mayonnaise.

::

I don't-- do people say that wherever you get your mayonnaise

::

or wherever you get your insert product here?

::

Get your Guilford's mayonnaise.

::

Right.

::

Oh, that just actually explains a lot about what

::

goes on with my sTogach.

::

Shoot.

::

"Grack Public Access."

::

All right, and we're back.

::

You're listening to 101.7 FM, "The Grack,"

::

and this is "Grack Public Access," with Tog and Barker.

::

I got back from the--

::

I went behind the restroom, because I didn't know

::

the restroom was open.

::

Oh.

::

I didn't end up-- well, because it looks very inhospitable,

::

if you look at it.

::

It totally does.

::

I mean, there's a trash can that's

::

halfway in front of the door.

::

I mean, I don't know why it's there.

::

But I didn't end up going, because I was too nervous.

::

Yeah.

::

No, that's understandable.

::

So you're holding it, is what you're saying?

::

Yeah, a lot.

::

Oh, a lot.

::

Yeah.

::

Before this, I was tricking--

::

well, my mom had shipped me some--

::

I don't know why she insists on sending me stuff,

::

because I lived down the street.

::

But she shipped me some pomegranate--

::

grant-- not pomegranate.

::

Pome-- pomegranate?

::

Yeah, that--

::

Pomegranate, yeah.

::

Juice.

::

And I've been-- I've been down--

::

oh, here it goes.

::

Oh.

::

Oh.

::

Ah.

::

Oh, no.

::

It's time for a little bit of shock.

::

I've been downing those pomegranate juices,

::

like there were tiny sunbursts.

::

[LAUGHS]

::

I don't really know if I understand.

::

Yeah, turn your radio back.

::

Yeah, OK.

::

OK, everybody, you can turn your radio back up.

::

The shocking part is over.

::

And if you're a bot, I hope you turned it down all the way.

::

All right, so we're at Thick Ravenbeek Park in Outergrac.

::

Outer, outer, outer, outer, outer, outergrac, it feels like.

::

And we're talking about soccer today.

::

And our sponsor is Guilford's mayonnaise,

::

which now comes in vegan.

::

But soccer, I mean, there's really

::

no overlap between mayonnaise and soccer

::

that I can think of.

::

Well, yeah, it kind of is, because the soccer ball is--

::

the soccer ball has white on it, and mayonnaise is white.

::

So you can imagine you could make a soccer ball out of mayonnaise.

::

I guess you could.

::

Which you could if you froze it and squiddink.

::

And squiddink, oh, for the black bits.

::

That's right.

::

Because the soccer ball has the little black squares.

::

Are these squares?

::

Or are they like pentagons or something?

::

They're like some kind of shape.

::

Some kind of shape.

::

It looks like it's like a zebra.

::

But if you cut the zebra into many pieces, don't do this.

::

Oh, yeah, no, don't do this.

::

And then kind of twist to the pieces around them

::

to rearrange them a little bit.

::

That would be a soccer ball for anybody who doesn't know.

::

Yeah, and I think we wouldn't be able to use that analogy

::

for the new vegan type of mayonnaise.

::

That would be an analogy that wouldn't be allowed.

::

Because of cutting up a zebra wouldn't be a vegan thing.

::

So you'd have to use a different analogy like pepper.

::

You could put pepper or something on it.

::

Because that's--

::

yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

That would probably be the analogy for that.

::

Yeah, that's great.

::

I love--

::

OK.

::

Yeah, OK.

::

No, moving on.

::

Moving on.

::

This got awkward.

::

Speaking-- this did.

::

Yeah.

::

I'm not good at analogies this year.

::

No, no, you're not.

::

I'm not.

::

That's why I'll leave all the analogies to Parker.

::

Because of me.

::

Because of me.

::

Taste of Grackleton.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Oh, yum.

::

So taste of Grackleton.

::

So Parker, this is something that we've eaten or a restaurant

::

or something.

::

Have you had food this week, Parker?

::

I bet you have.

::

I better believe I have.

::

And I am going to talk low and slow.

::

If you don't mind.

::

Oh, that's fine.

::

Get real close to this.

::

This is ASMR time.

::

Oh, I like it.

::

Does everyone hear my voice?

::

I think they do.

::

Yeah, I see the levels.

::

So great.

::

So I went to a restaurant.

::

It's a Piccadillo's Italian.

::

Oh.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

And I had a sandwich that was grilled cheese sandwich,

::

except it was deep fried.

::

A deep fried grilled cheese sandwich.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

That's the right voice for that.

::

Is that the right voice?

::

That's definitely the right voice for that.

::

I think after I would eat something like that,

::

I would definitely be going, oh, yeah.

::

And then I'd be the deep fried and cheese.

::

I might-- well, I might be saying, oh, yeah, as I ran to the toilet.

::

Oh, yeah, don't say that.

::

Yeah, you don't say that.

::

Yeah, you know my sTogach a little bit on the weak side

::

sometimes.

::

Yeah, don't say that, please.

::

I won't.

::

No, I'm going to get all the body emails now, I think, this week.

::

Because it was so good.

::

And somehow they must have done something where it didn't--

::

the oil didn't get to the bread.

::

It only got to the outside of the bread, so it didn't sop in.

::

And oh, my-- you know what?

::

If I ever pass on, I want you to build my coffin out

::

of these sandwiches.

::

Out of the sandwiches?

::

Out of these sandwiches.

::

OK.

::

Contact Piccadillo's Italian.

::

And I'm just thinking about dying now.

::

Here, I got the tissues.

::

You need to call someone.

::

You need to call someone.

::

That guy looks like he's going to pass out.

::

Don't really do that.

::

It's OK.

::

He's OK.

::

Don't worry.

::

He's fine.

::

Yeah, no, Park is fine.

::

Don't really do that.

::

Yeah.

::

OK.

::

I'm going to--

::

I'm going to call Ranger or something.

::

Should I stay for a while, Lugger?

::

Are we done?

::

No, we've got more segments.

::

We have more segments to do.

::

I'm thinking about dying now.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Like, I'm not--

::

I'm thinking about in the future.

::

But I don't--

::

In the future, yeah.

::

I don't know what that's going to--

::

It's unpleasant.

::

Maybe-- OK, well, my taste of Greckleton this week is I--

::

well, I ate a lot of mayonnaise this week

::

because Gil Guilford of Guilford's mayonnaise

::

brought us over a flat of mayonnaise.

::

That's a lot of mayonnaise.

::

I think there is 16 jars to our townhouse to try out,

::

because they're a sponsor of the show.

::

Park, it's OK.

::

It's OK.

::

I'm listening to you.

::

I'm listening.

::

Don't worry.

::

OK.

::

Ignore my face.

::

OK.

::

So we ate a lot of mayonnaise.

::

I ate extra mayonnaise.

::

I pretty much had mayonnaise on everything--

::

breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

::

So I tried it on my oatmeal.

::

It actually works.

::

You can stir it into oatmeal.

::

It makes it mayonnaise-y, as you might expect.

::

And I had it, of course, in sandwiches for lunch.

::

But on dinner, I pretty much made it

::

into either a sauce or a side.

::

A lot-- most of the time, I just kind of ate it straight

::

out of the jars aside.

::

Well, kind of a-- so you put it as a--

::

put it on--

::

I don't mean to interrupt, but the--

::

on the pathway of the Ranger, the golf cart,

::

or whatever it that is that he's on.

::

Yeah.

::

It looks like a golf cart.

::

Yeah.

::

He's-- he's-- he's looking at us.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, he's got binoculars, it looks like, too.

::

Yeah.

::

I don't know.

::

If he's just-- he seems to be--

::

he has the binoc-- just so the audience knows.

::

He has the binoculars in his hand, and he's still driving.

::

But he's driving kind of with his knees.

::

Yeah.

::

He's not touching the wheel, but he's--

::

No.

::

I think he's showing--

::

I always wanted to do that, you know?

::

Yeah.

::

I think he's showing off for us or something.

::

Yeah, I think so.

::

I mean, I have very short legs, so I

::

haven't ever been able to drive with my knees,

::

because then I can't have my feet on the pedals when I drive.

::

I mean, I've-- honestly, I've tried doing it, and I--

::

I can't, but I've always wanted to,

::

because it just looks really cool.

::

Yeah.

::

He's-- oh, he's-- look at this guy.

::

He's like a stunt--

::

stunt--

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

I mean, the Ranger outfit's pretty tight, too,

::

and it looks like he probably goes to the gym.

::

Gym.

::

Yeah.

::

He's-- he's-- those bin-- those binoculars are trained on us.

::

My god.

::

Yeah.

::

OK.

::

They really are.

::

All right.

::

Well, let's-- let's keep--

::

let's keep going.

::

So-- so, yeah, so Guilford's--

::

Guilford's man-- oh, sorry.

::

I've got a-- I've got a call, I guess,

::

because I got my phone set up with the call in line.

::

Oh, oh, that's amazing.

::

Well, that's-- well, I guess I'll take it.

::

Hello, caller.

::

You are on "Grack Public Access."

::

Hi, caller.

::

Hi.

::

You're welcome to the show.

::

Oh, just let me put it on speaker.

::

Hello.

::

This is-- this is--

::

you might recognize--

::

Todd, can I talk to Parker, my little baby boy?

::

Hi, mom.

::

Mom, hi.

::

Hi.

::

Hi.

::

Hey there, Parker, my little baby boy.

::

I just wanted to--

::

first of all, I wanted to just shout out, talk to your mom

::

and dad, Lester and Hester Chesterfield.

::

Hello, Lester and Hester.

::

Hey, Lester and Hester.

::

Yeah, yeah.

::

I just wanted to say hi.

::

Mom, what are you--

::

Hi.

::

Thanks for calling.

::

I was so-- oh, my god.

::

Because, OK, I'm not going to even say anything.

::

You-- this is like-- this is my--

::

I feel like a million--

::

mom, I-- several things.

::

I had to pee, but I didn't pee, but that's OK.

::

And then there was a--

::

there's people who are looking at us.

::

And I have a sap--

::

I have a gauntlet for an arm.

::

I was in a gauntlet-- a mace.

::

I have a mace for an arm.

::

A mace arm.

::

A mace arm, yeah.

::

Because of the sap hairs.

::

And, you know, there's--

::

toxins were landlocked.

::

And then there are people who are looking at us.

::

And I think she looks-- that lady looks like Vincent Van Gogh

::

a little bit from far away.

::

Giving you direct eye contact, my baby boy.

::

Were they giving you the person looking at you

::

getting direct eye contact to your eyes?

::

Yeah, yeah.

::

But that's OK.

::

Because they seem--

::

Was it hitting the back of your eye nerve?

::

Yeah.

::

OK, well, that might be a problem.

::

Did you-- did you look them back,

::

and then you did the little thing where you point your fingies

::

directly at your eyes first, and then towards their eyes,

::

and then squint them a little bit, baby boy?

::

I'm not doing that.

::

Mom.

::

Oh.

::

Yeah, I can't do that.

::

I'm not ready for it yet.

::

Didn't I raise you on mayonnaise?

::

I heard that was going to be part of the show.

::

It's all around Grackleton talking about how the mayonnaise

::

distributor is going to be a sponsor of the show.

::

And I raised you on that mayonnaise,

::

and you should be thinking about that mayonnaise.

::

And remember how strong?

::

I can hear you from here over the phone.

::

You're starting to cry.

::

Don't start.

::

Don't start, Parker.

::

Don't start.

::

You got this.

::

You got this, my baby boy.

::

You're a strong, strong baby boy.

::

Remember how you're raised on the best of the mayonnaise?

::

Mom, can I call you later on, please?

::

Oh, well, Parker, Parker, just one more thing.

::

The reason why I called into the show,

::

and I was hoping that I get to talk to my--

::

have you taken your vitamins?

::

I took them, mom.

::

I took them earlier.

::

Did you take them?

::

Did you take the red ones?

::

Yeah, I took the red ones.

::

You gave me.

::

Did you take the blue ones?

::

The two of them?

::

Did you take both of them?

::

No, I don't like the way they taste.

::

Oh, so you didn't take the blue ones?

::

No, I don't like the way they taste.

::

Did we talk about Parker?

::

You told me to take the blue ones.

::

I told you to take both of the blue ones.

::

OK.

::

That may be the problem.

::

You're right.

::

Did you take the big, the big, glassy, yellow one?

::

Yes, I always take that one.

::

You said, hey, you got your omega's good, baby boy.

::

I'm glad you got your omega's.

::

Don't call me baby boy.

::

I'm here with my friends, please.

::

OK, all right.

::

OK.

::

Sweet, my sweet sweet sweet.

::

OK, can we hang up, dad?

::

I will.

::

I love you, mom.

::

Bye, my baby boy.

::

Be good.

::

Bye, Mrs. Spoon.

::

All right, there we go.

::

All right, it's our first color.

::

I didn't like that.

::

Yeah, I'm sorry.

::

Can you cut that part out if you don't mind?

::

I don't-- well, we'll see what happens in post.

::

OK.

::

All right.

::

All right, so let's end the taste of Grackleton

::

and go to an ad.

::

You can clean yourself up a little bit.

::

OK, I'm going to--

::

All right.

::

Yeah, OK.

::

OK, but coming at you--

::

should we do-- am I going to do the ad?

::

Yeah, you do it.

::

Yeah, you do it.

::

You do it.

::

What's it for?

::

I say--

::

Oh, I don't know what the ad is going to be for.

::

Ladies and gentlemen, coming at you,

::

it's time for adversary.

::

Oh.

::

[LAUGHS]

::

All right, we'll be back.

::

After this.

::

After this.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Grag public access.

::

And we're back.

::

Welcome back to the show.

::

We're on 101.7 FM, the Grag at Vic Reagan Beak Park.

::

And we're talking sometimes maybe about soccer.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, OK, so we didn't end that segment yet.

::

We ended Taste of Graccleton.

::

And now we're coming back to the show.

::

And we'll have another segment.

::

Great.

::

OK.

::

Yeah.

::

The soccer part's done.

::

So we don't have to talk about soccer.

::

Oh, well, I don't know.

::

I don't really know.

::

They just-- they send me an email.

::

And they say, your theme this week is soccer.

::

And then I go, OK.

::

And that's all I say.

::

And then I don't really know what we're

::

supposed to do with the themes.

::

Football.

::

It's the name that they call soccer elsewhere.

::

They say football.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Oh, that's right.

::

See, I knew that.

::

Football.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, oh, yeah.

::

The Ranger is pointing at us with binoculars on.

::

I went back in like a friendly point.

::

I can't-- I'm not really good at social dynamics.

::

I want to do the fisherman hole.

::

You know what that is?

::

How do you pretend like you have the fishing--

::

what do they call that, a fishing stick with strings?

::

Like a fishing rod.

::

Rod, yeah.

::

A rod, yeah.

::

I'm going to see if I can reel him in.

::

But what if he's not a friendly?

::

And you reel him over here, and then they kick us out

::

of the park.

::

Because I don't really know if you're

::

supposed to have permission to be here for official things,

::

like recording shows.

::

I don't know.

::

I wasn't aware of that.

::

I don't--

::

That's not my job, Tog.

::

Well, I thought it's like we're a community radio

::

for the public.

::

I don't know really what we're going to call that yet either.

::

But I thought it would be fine because we're a public access

::

show to just come.

::

You know what's funny?

::

He has a mustache, which I wish I could get that going.

::

Is that like a handlebar?

::

Yeah.

::

Is that like what he has?

::

Like a handlebar mustache?

::

Yeah.

::

I'm sorry.

::

The other arm is completely powdered and sap as well

::

now with the spikes.

::

It looks like daggers.

::

You got daggers on both arms.

::

Me too.

::

Maybe that's why he's looking at us.

::

Maybe he thinks that we're threatening because we've got--

::

yeah, your sap arms.

::

Like a mutant.

::

Like a--

::

Yeah.

::

That's awesome.

::

It looks like you should be in the mines.

::

The mines.

::

Oh, god, can we talk about the mines?

::

I know we have them.

::

We should talk about the mines.

::

Yeah.

::

No, let's talk about the mines.

::

Haunted crispy-- is that a word for--

::

crispy is a word for crispy?

::

Like crispy crunch.

::

Crispy crunch is a really good chocolate bar.

::

I love crispy crunch.

::

It's so good.

::

Oh, my goodness.

::

It's like flaky peanut butter and chocolate, enrobed.

::

Enrobed in chocolate.

::

It's just the best.

::

The crisp gives just enough air that it allows you to eat more.

::

I know.

::

And I'm not a fan of crunchy peanut butter.

::

I am a creamy peanut butter person.

::

But crispy crunch, even though it's like wafery and crunchy,

::

it's so good as peanut butter still.

::

I don't know how they do it.

::

I really don't.

::

That's-- and this kind of brings us to the mines.

::

Because--

::

It does, yeah.

::

Because the mines are, as most of us know,

::

widely purported to be haunted.

::

Haunted, yeah.

::

Yeah, haunted.

::

And so we'll-- someday, perhaps, we'll do the show there

::

once I get the nerve up for it.

::

But this is the kind of stuff, like magic,

::

like they make for the peanut butter bars.

::

They might have the magic in the mines.

::

You think it's magic in the mines and not really haunted,

::

just magic, like somebody's doing magic?

::

Yeah, and it's not really haunted?

::

We'll have to find out.

::

I think I'm confusing myself as I talk,

::

but I'll tell you what's not confused,

::

my sense of adventure.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

No, I have a sense of adventure as long

::

as I've taken care of every possible permutation

::

of that adventure and have it preplanned how I'm

::

going to react to anything that happens during the adventure.

::

And then I'm pretty adventurous.

::

He's walking over here.

::

Oh, shoot.

::

No, he's not.

::

He stopped.

::

He stopped.

::

He stopped.

::

Yeah, he seems to be looking at some papers.

::

Yeah, but he's leaning on the tree.

::

He's trying to be nonchalant.

::

Yeah, he's trying to-- yeah.

::

I don't know why that's more unsettling now.

::

It's so weird.

::

Yeah.

::

It is pretty weird.

::

Never try to whistle when you become nonchalant.

::

And like [WHISTLES]

::

And I try, but then it's usually I

::

don't get much past the mouth shape part of the whistle.

::

You make mouth.

::

A lot of times you make-- just so everyone knows,

::

Tog makes mouth noises during whistling.

::

During whistling, but never during eating.

::

Never during eating.

::

Never, never.

::

I'm a silent eater.

::

Allow me to come.

::

Oh, then does that bring us--

::

do we-- what's--

::

I'm looking at this sheet here.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

So oh, shoot.

::

I have to do the weather.

::

Do the weather.

::

OK.

::

This is funny.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Rainy.

::

Wind.

::

This is the weather for 101.7 FM The Grack with Grack Public

::

Access, and it's brought to you by Guilford's Mayonnaise.

::

Taste our mayonnaise on your next sandwich,

::

because if you don't, you'll probably be disappointed it

::

didn't have any in it.

::

Now in vegan--

::

Get ready for the weather.

::

Tonight's weather in Gragelton East

::

is going to be stormy.

::

Oh, no.

::

You just burnt all about the weather.

::

And that's it for the weather on 101.7 FM The Grack.

::

Try Guilford's Mayonnaise, which now--

::

now comes in vegan.

::

It's not a flavor.

::

It's how we make it.

::

If you're surprised that mayonnaise isn't vegan,

::

you might not be a good one.

::

Oh, but our mayo is always good, including the vegan one.

::

Oh, I should try that.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

All right, and we're back to the show.

::

Parker, yeah, I love the weather.

::

The weather in Gragelton is great.

::

And that is the best part of the show.

::

I mean, even the nasty emails that were sent

::

by the letters and numbers, they compliment--

::

they said, my goodness.

::

They said, my goodness, the weather is amazing.

::

Yeah.

::

And they were so happy and proud as Grageltonians.

::

Yeah.

::

Gragel--

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, that's right.

::

It's all OK as long as it refers to the people of Gragelton.

::

Gragelton, yeah.

::

Grageltonians or Gragoleons or Gragians.

::

I've heard it all myself.

::

But it's what-- this sap is--

::

Fudging.

::

Fudging.

::

Fudging getting all over my--

::

That is--

::

Fudging.

::

Yeah.

::

Fudging.

::

No, it's starting to--

::

It's f--

::

Yeah.

::

Like, it got somehow in your eyelashes.

::

And it seems to be spreading.

::

Yeah, no, the-- my eyelashes are spiking.

::

Getting spiked.

::

But I'm OK.

::

Fudge.

::

Well, Parker, I think I managed to bleep most

::

of those fudges out.

::

Hopefully.

::

Well, we only have one more segment.

::

And that segment-- oh, I'm so excited about this--

::

is another food one.

::

We have have a food show today for you, listener.

::

We're going to Tuber Talk and Corn Corner.

::

What a crop.

::

Let's-- oh, let's hold for bumper.

::

Tuber Talk.

::

We're going to talk about potatoes.

::

Or corn.

::

I'm a corn assure.

::

All right.

::

Here we are in Tuber Talk, Corn Corner.

::

Of course, me, Tog, I'm into tubers,

::

big time.

::

Everybody knows that I love a good potato.

::

And Corn Corner is because--

::

Parker's a corn assure, as I said earlier.

::

I'm in so much pain.

::

A corn assure is who's in a lot of pain.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, the top spikes are going--

::

the spikes on my eyelashes are going into my skin,

::

on the top of my eyes.

::

And I've got to run--

::

I've got to run to the lake real quickly.

::

I've got to run.

::

I've got to run.

::

I've got to run.

::

Yeah, there goes Parker.

::

All right.

::

Yeah, so Tuber Talk.

::

Oh, I have a quick update about the Alliston seed potato

::

shortage.

::

It's still a shortage.

::

Listener, I got some emails about it.

::

And mostly just people lamenting about the days

::

that we had enough Alliston seed potatoes

::

to cover what we needed to do a full-on crop here

::

in Grackleton of as many Alliston potatoes as we could eat.

::

So they've put out emails into other regions

::

to see if they could get Alliston potatoes.

::

And nope, there are no Alliston potatoes anywhere.

::

So now people are just feeling sad.

::

And they're basically remembering and reminiscing

::

to past years.

::

And I heard that there is even a potato vigil down

::

in the town center.

::

And they're going to be doing another one that I'm going

::

to attend next Tuesday.

::

So if you want to come to the Alliston potato vigil,

::

you are encouraged to bring some candles, double-fist

::

those candles, and be ready to sit cross-legged.

::

Or I think it's also called crisscross applesauce.

::

Crisscross applesauce.

::

Yeah, yeah, thank you, Parker.

::

Crisscross applesauce and have a vigil for the potatoes

::

next Tuesday.

::

I'm back.

::

You OK, Parker?

::

No, you can tell that I'm dripping wet now from the lake.

::

And I believe that the lake water, which

::

must have some kind of a mineral in it, acted as a solvent.

::

Yeah, it's from the mines, really, I believe.

::

My arms.

::

Yeah, it says don't go in the lake.

::

Is that what it said?

::

I couldn't tell because of my eye daggers.

::

The eye daggers, yeah.

::

My eyes are sealed.

::

I should have told you when you said that you were going

::

to the lake, it says there's a sign that just says

::

don't go into the lake.

::

And no further direction or anything like that.

::

And it's phrased exactly like that.

::

It just says don't go into the lake.

::

I--

::

You did.

::

Yeah, I can continue the show, but my arms are stuck

::

to my sides and my eyes are closed.

::

And they'll have to remain that way.

::

So--

::

But it's OK, because you know what?

::

They can't see our faces, right?

::

No, well, that's what you promised me.

::

Yeah, I'm going to make some video, because I just don't

::

know what they're doing.

::

They still can't.

::

There's no video cameras here.

::

I mean, that we have.

::

There are some people over there that you can't see.

::

They are filming us.

::

And the ranger seems to be writing something down.

::

I don't know what it is, because I can't see,

::

because he's not close proximity to us.

::

He is in our distance, thankfully, I think.

::

Can you tell me what we're doing so I can leave?

::

I've got to go home.

::

That's right.

::

We're doing Tubertauk corn corner,

::

if you wanted to add anything about corn,

::

because you're the corn assure.

::

Yeah, so I love corn nuggets.

::

Well, sometimes there's--

::

I guess the way you make them is you take cream corn,

::

and you freeze them into little balls.

::

And then I'm sorry, my mouth is freezing.

::

Yeah, I don't have a towel or--

::

Yeah, it's OK, because that would put lint on my face,

::

and I can't deal with that right now.

::

Oh, that would be awful.

::

You could freeze the cream corn and then bread it

::

when it's frozen in deep fry it, and the cream corn will melt,

::

but it won't leave the fried capsule.

::

You ever see the capsules, like a spaceship is what protects

::

the pressurized zone?

::

OK, I'm going to go.

::

Yeah, the ranger is actually doing that.

::

You know that thing where they put a line across your neck,

::

and they point at--

::

I'm running.

::

I'm running.

::

Yeah, I'm running.

::

Yeah, OK.

::

OK.

::

I'm running.

::

Yeah, there goes Parker.

::

All right, everyone, so that's our show.

::

We're going to get out of here, because it

::

seems like the ranger is coming this way.

::

So thank you for listening to "Grack Public Access."

::

Listen to us again in two weeks, and you can contact the show

::

if you want.

::

All the information is where you found our show.

::

So thank you very much.

::

I'm Todd Chesterfield, and that was Parker Spoon, and we're out.

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

"Grack Public Access."

::

You have been listening to "Grack Public Access,"

::

a StereoForrest production.

::

This episode was created, directed, edited, produced,

::

and Todd Chesterfield was improvised by Jen DeHaan.

::

Parker Spoon was improvised by Adam.

::

Additional voices and writing by Jen DeHaan.

::

You can find our shows, transcripts,

::

and sign up for a free newsletter to get notified of everything

::

we release at StereoForrest.com.

::

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