In this episode, Nkechi Nwafor-Robinson sits down with the phenomenal Roxanne Francis to dive into the essential topic of relational wellness and the power of boundaries. Roxanne shares her profound insights, reminding us that setting boundaries isn’t about shutting others out, but rather creating bridges back to ourselves. She emphasizes that protecting your peace is not selfish; it’s sacred, and that true wellness encompasses much more than just mental health. It’s about nurturing connections with community, family, and friends.

From discussing how societal norms shape our views on boundaries to offering practical tips on how to start asserting ourselves, this conversation is packed with wisdom and humor. Join us, and let's explore how to thrive in our relationships!

Takeaways:

• Roxanne Francis beautifully articulates that wellness is a multifaceted journey, combining mental, emotional, and relational aspects, not just mental health alone.
• The episode emphasizes the importance of boundaries as bridges to our true selves, allowing for healthier relationships and personal peace.
• Nkechi and Roxanne discuss how societal norms often discourage setting boundaries, highlighting the need for a cultural shift towards respecting personal space and needs.
• Listeners are encouraged to embrace discomfort as a necessary step in setting boundaries, reinforcing that it's okay to say no and prioritize self-care.
• The conversation points out that true empowerment often stems from being surrounded by supportive individuals, reminding us that community plays a crucial role in our well-being.
• Nkechi and Roxanne share practical tips for setting boundaries in everyday life, encouraging listeners to take small steps towards a more empowered existence.

If this episode resonates with you, then remember... SUBSCRIBE • 5-Star Rate • COMMENT • SHARE this Podcast!! 💚❤️🙌🏾🙏🏾

Book Recommendation: "The Myth of Normal" by Daniel Maté

Find Roxanne Online:

Website: https://www.francispsychotherapy.com/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/francispsychotherapy

Find us online: https://linktr.ee/nkechinwaforrobinson

Great day.

Amazing human.

Yes.

Welcome to Empowered at My Skin podcast where our mission is to help 1 billion people in this world think in more empowering ways.

Empowered humans empower humans.

So you are in the right place to become a lead domino for empowerment today.

My name is Nkechi Mwaho Robinson.

I'm not only your host, but I am a vibrant optimist obsessed to bring you empowering content with every single episode.

We will bring you weekly content alternating between longer episodes with featured guests and a shorter episode called Empowering Bites where I will be joined by my co host, Gabby Memone.

So if you're ready, let the show begin.

Yes.

Great day.

I did the clap.

Amazing humans.

Welcome back to the Empowered in My Skin podcast and our special well within four part talk series series on wellness and well being.

Because being well is not just one thing.

And so this is the last of the four part series and I'm joined by a guest who has the kind of voice that makes you exhale.

Calm and command, yet commanding, grounded yet full of grace.

Through her work, she reminds us that boundaries are not bearers, but bridges back to ourselves.

See, she teaches that protecting your peace is not selfish and it's sacred.

A healer, a guide, a truth teller who helps us understand that wellness begins where self respect meets compassion.

So please join me in a gigantic, massive podcast.

Welcome for the amazing, the incredible, the phenomenal Roxanne Francis.

Oh my goodness.

That intro is everything.

Thank you, thank you so much for having me.

You are everything.

So great to be here.

If I can just give you flowers.

I, I, I mean, you enrich my life, man.

Like you look at our B roll.

You just bring out things out of me.

You make me, you keep me really honest.

You keep me like, really, you, you enable me to like, think about what I'm thinking about and find a way to express it instead of, you know, you know, holding it and cashing it.

So you are very powerful and you have such a great voice on the topic of just wellness and well being and care and compassion and empathy and, and just really proud of the work that you do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, I, I firmly believe that my purpose on this earth is to be a guide, but also to be a mirror.

So to help people see what they carry, help them to see the reality of their decisions, help them to see their way forward.

Right.

I truly believe that people carry more wisdom within than they realize.

And so if I can just reflect that, then I'm good.

Yeah, you're great.

You're amazing.

So Signature first question.

What has been your most empowered thought that you've had of the day so far?

The most important thought that I've had of the day so far is that peace does not come from being on your own.

It comes from being in the presence of the right people.

And God.

I'm going to decide.

Yes, yes, 100%.

100%.

It doesn't come on your own.

It comes from being in the presence of the right people.

I've never heard that said that way, but it's so true.

Yeah.

A lot of people feel like the world is really noisy.

In order for them to calm down or settle down or find peace, they have to be alone.

Yes, yes.

But sometimes it can just be around the right people.

And the truth is, if we're alone and we listen to our thoughts, they're not peaceful.

Exactly.

Well, right now I actually feel greatly at peace because of you.

And so.

Thank you.

I'm really, really excited about that.

So I just, you know, because you are like, I consider you a real professional in this space, you know, what is, how would you define wellness?

Well being versus like mental health.

Because we have typically have done this series around mental health and have brought in people who are trying to break the stigma, who've experienced mental health.

But I felt like there's an aspect that we miss when we merge it all together, that wellness and well being, that you can, you can still have mental health challenges and still be a well human and.

Yes.

Right.

And so I want to sort of get your take on that.

Yeah.

You know, a lot of times people think that if they have an issue with their mental health that it means that they're mentally unstable.

Right.

And it's, you know, I talk to people all the time that sadness doesn't mean depression.

Right.

Everyone goes through, everyone experiences anxiety.

Right.

Everyone.

But it doesn't mean you have an, a generalized anxiety disorder.

Right.

And so you can have well being and still have ups and downs in your mental journey.

Right.

We can feel rage, frustration, anxiety, panic, sadness, grief.

That's all the ups and downs of being a human being.

Just because you experience those things doesn't mean that you're unwell.

Right.

It means you're experiencing the range of emotion.

And I feel like, you know, a sense of well being means that you have to be grounded in all the other aspects of life beyond just mental health.

So community, family, friends who are like family, you know, physical movement, laughter, you know, good food, preparing good food.

Right.

Like all of those things provide someone with well being.

Right.

And and considering or thinking that it only comes from one place or it only encompasses one thing is.

Is.

Is a fallacy.

Right.

People.

Whether or not people are religious, but dipping into spirituality.

Right.

Whether you consider, you know, regardless of where you worship, but understanding that there's something bigger than you, like, all of that is a part of well being.

Yeah.

And that's why you are.

That's why you're a guest on this podcast, because that was so beautifully and amazingly said.

So we have talked about.

We started off by talking about financial wellness in episode one, and we moved into spiritual wellness.

Then we hit physical wellness.

And today we're talking about relational wellness and the power of boundaries.

And.

And if there's anyone that can really get us through this, let's.

It is you.

So.

So, you know, it's interesting that so many of us know we need better boundaries, but we struggle to put them in place.

And so why do you think that people are so hesitant to set boundaries, even when it's for their own peace, like their own sense of peace?

Yeah.

I think that in many situations, cases, cultures, families, backgrounds, we are taught not to disappoint our community.

Don't provide any kind of dissent to your elders.

We are taught that that is disrespectful.

Right.

We are taught, don't anger people.

That's not nice.

That's not polite.

That's not the right thing to do.

So many times I've heard, particularly women say things like, I don't like conflict.

And I actually say that that's a learned response.

Right.

That is something that we are taught.

We are taught as children not to disagree with our parents because disagreement means disrespect or you're being rude.

And so we become adults who become people pleasers.

Right.

Don't rock the boat, always smile, don't create a fuss.

Just operate under the radar, all of those things.

It causes people to not have healthy boundaries, but also to shrink themselves.

Right.

And I think it's really important, as we are looking at life, as we are communicating with young people around us, to say, it's okay.

You can say no with your chest.

Right?

It's okay.

You can disagree with me.

We won't stop being friends.

And I also think that there's something around, just the human experience, around the need for your village, Right.

And so the need to have.

The human need to have people around you for survival, right.

Means don't upset those people or they will leave you and then you won't survive.

Right.

And so we have to create A society where disagreement doesn't mean that we break community.

Right.

Because too often, how many times I can't tell you how many clients come to me or how many people I talk to who will say, you know, this friend and I had a disagreement and now they're not talking to me.

Right.

We have lost the art or the nuance of working through discomfort, working through disagreement.

Not recognizing that, that's the thing that sharpens us.

That's the thing that makes us better people.

It is disagreement in community and coming back to each other.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

No, I was going to say, and I've been on this tip all year where I've been talking about the genius of Van versus the, the tyranny of war.

I think what you just described, that's actually a book, by the way.

But I use that so often that like, and I try, even as a leader with my team, we don't discount any ideas.

We add.

And as we add, we refine, we shape, we evolve.

And yeah, some things may drop off, but it's, but it dropped off because it was molded into something different, like evolved from what it was.

Right.

And, and, and I think what I, and I share that because I think out of what you just said, it's almost like if we could apply that principle of end.

Right.

You, you just, you said something that I doesn't necessarily, I don't necessarily agree with.

And I'd like to offer up my perspective.

Yes.

Right.

And I would like to ask you another question or.

Yes.

And I might need some time to take this and internalize it, maybe put into ChatGPT to recognize this is not just your idea.

Right.

I think there's so like.

And to me, offers is expansive.

Yes, yes.

It creates, it creates community, it creates space, it creates room for ideas and connection.

And so I think that if we recognize that we can disagree with other.

With other people without them leaving us, then it creates room, it allows us to create boundaries.

Because what happens is when we think if we disagree with people, they're going to leave, then we refuse to create any boundaries because we think that this boundary creation means people are going to be mad at us, people are going to walk away from us.

Actually, boundaries create a better version of yourself.

I have a question for you.

I have a question because for somebody that's listening, that has actually been on the receiving side of somebody close to them walking away and kind of shutting the door of any possibility of a relationship, if that relationship circles back around for the person that was left is like what Would be your advice.

Do the like.

Is it them do so I don't.

How do I term this?

Like, should they reopen the door if it's possible?

Like, would that be your encouragement?

Like to.

Yeah, just reopen the door or like what would.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, if possible, like, you want to, you want to pay attention to, to, to yourself, right?

How do you feel like internally, what, what happens inside your body when this person comes around and if they want to come around and repair the relationship, how do you feel about that internally?

Maybe you do want to repair the relationship, but your gut is saying otherwise.

Your gut is saying, we have not resolved this.

Then I would suggest a conversation around resolution, right?

Around sometimes there's repair that needs to be done, right?

You can't just have an argument and nothing happens and we're back to being buddy buddy.

Like, we need to suss through what has happened and then if we can move forward with that relationship, then that relationship actually becomes stronger.

And what we've done is we've taught people, we've taught that person now how to treat you, how to be in community with you.

Right?

And just the idea of.

I think we need to be open to resolution as a society as opposed to just, you know, I can't.

So many times I've heard people say, oh, that person's dead to me.

Right?

That's such a.

First of all, I don't like that phrase.

But you know, we need to consider what that actually means in society and in our community.

And it's okay to say, you know, that thing or that, that thing that they did or that choice that they made harmed me.

And I'm open to how we can exist in community, recognizing that this thing happened.

Right.

That we could still live in harmony.

We could still live in harmony.

Which to me, you know, I.

Like, I, I think that that is such a profound message for all of us.

Right?

Like, it just like how can like harmony, I think is, is such a beautiful thing because it allows again, space, right.

For everyone to, to thrive.

And yeah, you don't actually need to agree.

So because you talked about language in, in some language you don't like, what are boundary languages?

What do they sound like?

Ah, boundary languages sound like.

Well, they can sound like a multitude of things.

I'm just.

Let's, let's go on the on the spectrum, boundary languages that you would say, let's avoid and then, like, great.

Boundary language.

Yes.

Languages.

We hear them all the time.

They're dead to me.

You know, I'm the queen of cutting people off.

You know, people are proud of those things.

And I think.

I think.

I think they believe that they're communicating, that they have strong boundaries.

But how does cutting people off teach us how to live together?

Boundaries really, people think that boundaries are just there to keep people at bay, but boundaries really teach us how to live together.

Do you think those kind of responses are pain responses?

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

This thing happened to me and I'm never letting it happen to me again.

So I'm cutting them off.

Right.

So then.

So somebody that's on the receiving side of that.

What can you share with them today?

Because that is very hurtful.

What can we share with them today that would help them have a little bit more grace for someone when they hear that said to them?

When someone has cut you off most often, then I mean, cut you off without even an opportunity for a conversation, like, they're done, done most often, that comes out of their place of pain.

It comes out of their scar, their wound.

It comes out of sometimes situations where they were younger when they didn't have an opportunity to say, no, I don't want that, or this is not how I would prefer.

And so this is their way of holding boundaries for themselves now, but also for a younger self, a younger version of.

Of themselves.

Right.

And so when someone cuts you off or says, I'm not doing this, or I'm not in community with them anymore, it's not that you don't have anything to reflect on, but it's largely more about them than it is about you.

Okay, now, positive boundary language.

Yes, Positive boundary language.

Sound like I need a minute to think about that.

Or even something as simple as, can I circle back with you next week?

Right.

Or even I didn't like when you said that I want to talk about that.

Right.

Or I didn't.

That didn't sit well with me.

Can we.

Can we work it through?

Right.

Even I have two young humans in my home and just even talking with them about.

About boundaries.

Right.

My youngest is very.

He.

He's.

He's so kind and such a sensitive soul.

And if I offer him something to eat and he would prefer that, it's almost as though he doesn't want to tell me no because he thinks it's going to hurt my feelings.

And so he'll say, well, I Know you already prepared it and I don't want you to feel bad.

And so I.

Sometimes I'm.

I'm having to role play with him.

Like, say with your chest, boy, mom can handle your.

No, mom can handle it.

Right.

Like, it's okay.

And so just teaching them how they can.

They can say no and, and, and say it with kindness.

Right.

You actually teach that?

Because I actually think adults can learn that as well.

Because I, I know I.

Feeling and experiencing.

If, like, let me repeat back what I heard from you.

It's almost like when you know that somebody should be sharing a boundary because you feel they're struggling with.

Yes.

They're being agreeable.

Right.

And yes, you have.

You should give permission to say, hey, like, no.

Yeah.

What.

It's okay.

You can.

Yeah.

What do you really want?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is a relationship builder.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And even saying to them, you know, if you would prefer that I knock before I come into your room, or if you would prefer that I leave you to carry the bag instead of me carrying it for you, it's okay to say, you know, mommy, I would prefer X or I would prefer Y or please don't do that.

That makes me sad.

These are the things that we need to be giving people language for or learning ourselves.

And so I think up until now, 18 minutes in, I think if I had to really summarize, what I've gained for you is like, boundaries are not intended to keep people out.

They're intended to build healthy relationships that keep us all well and working together in harmony, 100%.

So thank you for helping to shape and change the narrative.

I think that that's really great.

So you work with a lot of diverse communities, and I love how you always bring culture into the culture conversation.

So how does culture play into the way we view boundaries, especially in families or communities?

We're saying, like, I know you kind of touched it, like, no is seen as disrespect, but there's.

We are.

We are melting pot of all these different cultures.

And so, yes.

How do we.

How do we navigate that with ease and grace.

Yeah.

We have to be mindful we're not all from the same land or background.

Culture, history, religion, so on.

And so there are different boundaries or different nuances or different ways of life that we have to be open to learning about and asking people, is this okay for you?

Right.

I remember when I was a student in this.

In this, I was a social work student, and in my placement, I used to watch my.

My placement instructor asked Women, is it okay if I hug you?

And I was like, why would she.

Because I'm a hugger.

But naturally, right.

And I used to think to myself, why would she even ask that?

And she would sit with me and she would give me all the reasons.

Roxanne, Some people have been harmed, some people have trauma, some people have.

And so, and some people are from different cultures and sometimes they don't touch other people.

Right.

So we, we have to ask.

And so, you know, people talk often about cultural competence and I, I like to put that aside and, and offer up cultural curiosity.

Cultural.

There's another one I can't remember right now, but just from a sense of learning.

We're always learning.

And so it's okay to ask if you're not.

Exactly, exactly.

And so when it comes to different cultural nuances, people grow up differently, people learn respect differently.

Right.

And so we, when we think about, even when I talk to students now, when I was just in class a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about how clients might, how we might offer advice to clients around, you know, set boundaries with your parents.

They can't be, shouldn't be acting in this way and they shouldn't be acting in that way.

And having to say to my students, it's one thing as a Canadian born individual whose family has been here for generations to say, I'm setting boundaries, you can't talk to me like this, don't come into my room, all these things.

But it's a different way of life for an immigrant family.

It can be a different way of life for maybe, I don't know, a single parent family or a family that's different religion than you.

Right.

And so you have to be very aware around, you know, where are these people from?

What are, what do they believe, what do they practice, how do they behave in family, how do they behave in friendships?

And then you start, instead of saying, this is a boundary that you need to set, the question to ask is, how would you like to feel around this person?

How would you like for them to treat you?

Right.

And then based on where you are from, what you believe, who you worship, how you grew up, then we can start talking about, how can we navigate that based on your context?

Right.

So start from how do you want to feel?

How do you want them to behave towards you?

Yes.

How would you like her to share with you or to speak with you or to touch you or not?

And then based on context, you ask about context to say, okay, okay, now that we know that this is what you practice.

Let's work backwards.

How can we get to that result based on what you practice or where you're from?

COVID Yes.

Before and post.

What are your observations.

In terms of.

Like, about, like, you know, relationships and.

And how, like, how they look like, what's the lens you have now on relationships and how people are relating to each other?

Yeah, you know, I think that I can answer that question in so many different ways.

I think now people are.

More.

People are recognizing now more what it is that they want.

People are now more willing to ask for what they want.

In terms of relationships.

In the pandemic, people I heard a lot of.

About, you know, people are breaking up during the pandemic.

What I would say is Covid was like a magnifying glass on relationships.

If your relationship had a lot of cracks in it, Covid magnified that.

And when you're relationships, are you talking specifically or also friendships and stuff like that, too?

Friendships, Adult, parent, child relationships, sibling relationships, spousal relationships.

All gamuts.

Okay.

Yeah.

People were under a lot of stress.

And so stress, being under pressure.

It shows you what you're made of.

Yeah, right.

And so if your relationship had a real solid foundation, then Covid magnified that.

If your relationship had these tiny cracks, Covid magnified that.

Right.

And so I think, because in.

In.

In many homes, there was.

There was loss, loss of life, loss of relationship, loss of security.

I think people.

It's kind of.

It's one of those things where you get to realize what's really important.

It's.

It's, you know, it's one of the reasons why, you know, many people, they left not only toxic relationships, but toxic workplaces.

Right.

And so I think people are now recognizing that they either need help or they need a different kind of relationship, or they.

They know that they need to ask for what it is that they want to be specific and really honor themselves.

Right.

What's going on for me?

What, What, What?

Why am I uncomfortable?

What is it that I need?

And people are asking more for what they need, I find.

So that's coming from a place of not being willing to.

Being less willing to sit in situations and circumstances that don't.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, Covid.

A lot.

A lot of people to think.

Yeah, we haven't talked about it a lot, and.

But so I wanted to move to workplaces since you just mentioned that and.

And what boundaries look like.

Like, you.

You also do talk a lot about burnout and leadership and.

Yes.

And I think, you know, boundaries come in, to play in that.

So talk to me about workplace and, and what you are seeing there.

And how do we, how does somebody, like, how do we get like, like as a leader I recognize there's a lot of fear because there's a lot of stuff, there's a lot of stuff tied to your work.

Right.

Your livelihood, you know, painless and this and.

Yeah, yeah.

So how do we navigate that?

Because that also is not healthy.

Yes.

Depending on the kind of job that you're in or, or whether or not you feel satisfied at work.

You know, I, a lot of people come to me around, you know, Sunday scaries.

They're anxious about work, they're scary.

Is like getting ready for Monday morning.

Okay?

Yes, yes.

It's a real thing.

People get really.

I have clients who cry at five o' clock on a Sunday afternoon because they know Monday is coming and they have to go into work and deal with that pressure cooker or deal with that boss who's a bully or deal with, you know, and, and it's this toxic situation because they feel like they can't leave because, you know, they need the money or they don't have another job lined up.

And so I talk about creating some boundaries in the workplace around if that is indeed your situation.

Are you working long hours?

Are you working through your lunch?

Are you taking on a lot more work than you actually should?

And how can you safely say, okay, it's 12 o', clock, I'm getting up from my desk for an hour because if I sit here and eat my sandwich, I'm going to get five more projects between 12 o' clock and 1 o'.

Clock.

Right.

So boundary setting at work can look like even if I, you know, I have a wrap and I'm going to eat it on the go, I'm going to go walk for an hour and go sit in the park.

I am going to get up from my desk.

If I work from home, I'm going to go watch something on TV for an hour so that I can actually disconnect for that hour.

It might mean not working past 5:30 or 6:00 clock or whatever your end time is.

If this is not some kind of crunch project where they need all hands on deck, then sign off when it's time to sign off, you know.

And again, I say this, you know, with a caveat because you have to know your environment.

You have to know, like if I'm not checking emails as expected at 8pm I'm not going to have a job in the morning, right?

So these are some things to pay attention to, but also, you know, pay attention to things like, you know, what time am I coming in, what time am I leaving?

You know, the constant checking of the emails.

Are you expected to be working at 10pm because your supervisor, your director is working at 10pm what are the expectations?

What does your yearly review look like?

Right.

What are your goals in the organization?

And also sometimes the stress in our lives does not allow us to dream.

And so we feel like we are stuck in this situation forever and this is it.

And so if you could allow your mind to wander, ask yourself, what do I even want?

Because sometimes we don't even ask ourselves that, right?

What do you even want?

You know, I had someone who was in a very toxic work environment, and when I asked them that question, they said, you know what?

I want to go to law school.

And after a while they allowed themselves to go back to school and get a student loan and whatever and, you know, go back to law school.

Because sometimes we find or we feel like this is unmovable and I'm going to be here forever.

And it is okay to create some boundaries at work, to say, in order for me to be healthy, in order for me to live my life, in order for me to hang out with my friends on a Saturday afternoon without work, living rent free in my head, I need to be able to sign off at a reasonable time.

I need to be able to say to my boss, this is a five person job, but there's only two of us.

How can you support me?

Right?

How can you say when you're working on three things that have high priority and four more things that are high priority, get landed on your lap.

How can you say to your team leader, and I realize that you just gave me four more things.

Can I put these three things over here on hold so that I can address these four things?

Right.

How can you.

What are ways in which you can find your voice at work that allows you to set boundaries without finding yourself unemployed?

You know, it really touched me, like when you were talking about the Sunday Scaries, because as a leader, as a leader, like, I can't imagine there's any leader out there.

I hate to imagine that there's any leader that would love to, that would, that would hear that and be okay to know that they have okay employees that are experiencing that.

Like, it would be hard for, like, I would look at that person, like, sideways.

Sorry, you know, but interesting, because I'm about to deliver a talk on human centered leadership and I open up with something that profoundly changed the way I showed up to work.

So Simon Sinek shared in an interview.

No.

So, yes, he shared an interview about a pilot in the military.

When asked why he would risk his life to save another human being, he said, because they would have done it for me.

And then Simon Sinek went on to explain that in the military we give bonuses to people who are willing to sacrifice their lives so that others may gain.

In corporate, we.

No, sorry, we, we hand up.

In the military, we handle medals to others who are willing to risk their lives so that others may gain.

And in corporate, we handle bonuses to people who, who, who risk the lives of others.

We.

So they can gain.

And we have it backwards.

Right.

And so, you know, wouldn't you love to work in that type of environment where you have the absolute confidence that someone else that you work with in that organization would be willing to sacrifice themselves so that you can survive?

And I said I.

That I would.

Right.

And so yes, I, I just, I mean, I, I'm, I'm like unapologetic on a journey and a mission to encourage people to shift from that employee mindset to a one of deployment.

Like if we all deploy ourselves from our own personal skills and talents and experiences, we, we'd only be creating environments where people can be celebrated and not tolerated.

Right.

Like.

Right.

Yeah.

Anyway, I digress.

I digress.

No, but this is good.

Yeah.

I love that you're going to be talking on human centered leadership because we have to, we have to center that, that sense of care.

Human at the center.

It's called human at the center.

And from to heart count.

Anyway, that's a silent plug for anyone.

November 4th, join us at the HR Exchange.

HR Exchange.

Yes.

That's where I'm going to be sharing that time.

Talk and maybe I'll get picked up for TedX.

There you go.

So if for anyone that's listening right now, who knows that they need to start setting boundaries.

Yes.

But feels guilty or afraid, which is probably many of us, what's one small realistic step that they can take today to begin that journey towards, you know, peace?

When someone asks you if you are available for something, do not answer right away.

Say, let me get back to you on that.

Right.

Blame it on your spouse.

Say, let me check with so and so and come back.

Come back to you.

And then I want you to go and take a look at your calendar.

Right.

Friend of mine who's our coach, her name is Nicole Salmon.

She said, she says yes.

She often says, you know, I actually Quoted her on something.

She actually says, respect the white space in your calendar.

And she says, availability is not the same thing as capacity.

Right.

And so just because.

Are you available on Saturday to help me move?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sure, of course.

Actually, if you go take a look at your calendar, you might see that you are doing something for someone else late on Friday night and on Saturday morning, you're going to be exhausted.

So just because you're available to do something doesn't mean.

Doesn't mean that you'll have the physical capacity, mental capacity, emotional capacity, financial capacity.

Girl, you're talking to me right now.

I think I need that quote.

We live in a society where when someone asks us to do something, we immediately say yes.

Right.

And every time, sometimes when we say yes to other people, we say no to ourselves.

I was just gonna say.

And so it's okay.

Exactly.

So it's okay to.

It's.

And.

And also, too, if we are in the midst of a conversation, we feel like we must say yes right away or we're gonna hurt other people's feelings.

It's okay to say, let me get back to you on that.

Create some distance from the ask.

Right.

It then allows you to really be real with yourself.

Don't have the time, the energy, the financial spend.

Do I even want to?

Right.

Like, be real with yourself.

Do you really want to?

And if the answer is no, then you can text back, call back, email back and say, you know, as a matter of fact, I won't be available.

Or I. Yeah.

And how do you handle that?

Sorry, I know.

How do you handle an immediate response from the other person that says, you know what?

Don't worry, I didn't.

It's okay, don't worry about it.

That's theirs.

If they have told you, don't worry about it.

I know it feels.

It doesn't feel good.

It feels a little bit yucky.

Because a lot of people.

That's the automatic response.

Because they're not getting it.

Yes, because.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Especially when.

Sorry, before you were talking about.

I'm paraphrasing here, but you were talking about training people.

Like.

Yes, I know you didn't use that word, but like.

No, no, I know what you mean.

When someone teaching people how to.

How to.

Yes.

How to interact with you.

Yes.

Someone's so used to you saying yes all the time.

Yes, exactly.

How do you handle that?

When.

When someone is used to getting there.

I have another quote for you.

This one is mine.

When people get upset.

People.

People who get upset.

When you hold a boundary, they're the ones benefiting from you having no boundaries.

Right?

And so think about it.

If I give a toddler a cookie every night before bed, and then the dentist says, that's not a good idea.

And then I say to toddler, we're not gonna have a cookie before bed after tonight, what's gonna happen?

They're gonna cry, they're gonna scream, they're gonna say, you're a bad person, you don't love me anymore.

All the things, Right.

Because you have.

Because you have changed course.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And so now what you need to do is hold your boundary firm.

Right.

And they will get used to the new normal.

They will brush their teeth and say, okay, glass of water please.

And off to bed they will go.

But it will take a few weeks of kicking and screaming.

Does it feel good when they kick and scream?

No.

Is it necessary?

Probably.

And so that's what you have to remember because that person has gotten every payday.

Can I get $500?

Sure.

Here you go.

Because you feel bad to let them down.

Now you realize that you want to save to go to Dubai and you decide that that $500 needs to get scrolled away.

So now when they ask for the $500 on your payday and you will say, actually, I have to use that money for something else, I will no longer be able to do that.

Suddenly you're mean.

You're the worst person in the world.

You're taking food out of their kids mouths.

All of these things, Right.

That are probably not true.

And so you cannot take their frustration personally.

That is theirs.

Right.

You're not mean, you're not doing anything unkind.

You're not wishing awful things upon them.

You are changing course and the response or the reaction is theirs.

And this kind of goes back to like part of my forward thinking mindset.

Right.

Like that's why it's really important to know who you are.

Yes.

Because it will be very hard to navigate that type of situation if you're not able to stand firm in your truth.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

That will require a bit of discomfort.

Yes.

Yes.

It.

Yes.

And you gotta ask yourself, can I sit through this discomfort?

This here requires mental fortitude.

When you are expressing your first no.

And they are losing their cool.

That requires a stillness.

That requires knowing who you are.

Knowing that I'm not a bad person because I'm putting this in place.

This is actually going to make this relationship better.

If they can handle their discomfort, then we'll be better off for this.

Yeah.

It requires mental fortitude for sure.

Well, I love this.

I love the suggestion on how to get started and I actually love the.

The how to prepare yourself for whatever may come back as a result of it.

But at the end of the day, I think what matters the most is in.

In both of what you shared and sort of the counter is.

Is.

Is put yourself.

Yes.

Yeah.

At the core of.

The core of whatever that decision is.

Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

I'm going to take you through some rapid thrivers now.

I think you've done these before, but when you think of someone who's been inspires you, who comes first to mind.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, that's a tough one.

A number of people come to mind first.

I actually was gonna say you.

You were actually the first person that came to mind.

But I didn't want to put you on see my thing.

I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I didn't.

No.

I am learning to take my flowers in the lifetime that I can take it.

You do inspire me.

I see you out and about doing your thing and you.

I. I'm encouraged by you and I'm inspired by you.

And I think you are a gift to so many people.

I appreciate you.

Thank you.

Okay.

And the second person, the second person.

Who inspires me is actually my spouse.

Yeah.

He is, he is.

He is patient and he is just this quiet strength.

You know, he has a lot of.

He's patient for me, he's patient for our children.

He's patient with the ups and downs of life.

I am less so.

You'd think that as a therapist.

Yes.

Life is perfect.

You know how to talk yourself off the leg.

You never have any thoughts that could take you off the deep end.

Like always the one reeling me in.

Like who therapies the therapist.

That's right.

That's right.

But he.

He catches tears, he prays for me, he helps me stay grounded.

Right.

Like it's not that deep.

Roxanne.

It's.

It's okay.

Right.

And yeah.

Inspires me.

Yeah.

I have a question.

Just because it's almost like I just want to double click a bit.

It's almost like the mechanic doesn't drive the best car.

Yes.

And so as a therapist, is there must be like.

And maybe that's the last question I'm going to ask, but is it a misconception that people would have of a therapist that you just have life all figured out?

Yeah.

Yes, we are, you know, we have some tools.

I have a therapist.

I will Say that I don't see her, like, every week or every two weeks like clockwork, because I have some tools that I know how to use.

But she does talk me off the ledge.

I cry hardest in her office.

You know, my.

As wonderful as my husband is, we.

We disagree from time to time, right?

That we're human.

We have grief, we have, you know, financial anxiety, like, all kinds of things, right?

And I think every therapist should have a therapist, and we should be using tools that we have at our disposal to help us through life, because life happens to us just like it happens to everybody else, right?

People in our family have mental health challenges.

We have, you know, we have people, we have relationships that fracture.

You know, all kinds of things happen.

And.

And so, you know, I have a.

A small but a core group of friends who I can call at the drop of a hat to say, things are going sideways.

What you got?

Right?

And they will.

They will support, and they're not therapists, and they will come in and they will support.

They will help patch me up.

And.

And I do the same for them, right?

And.

And I do therapist, and I. I'm.

I'm deeply, spiritually connected.

Like, yeah, we need it.

I love that.

What is a daily activity that helps you with your thrive?

Exercise.

Okay.

A book that helps.

A book that helps you to thrive.

A book that helps me thrive with thriving.

The Myth of normal by Dr. Gabor Mate.

Oh, that's a new one.

It's about.

I want to say it's about two or three years old, but I've been following his work for a while.

He's a really great thinker.

But that book called the Myth of Just the title Alone, right?

The Myth of Normal.

Right.

Someone told me a long time ago when I started in this field that normal is just a setting on the dryer, right?

Nobody's life is normal.

Normal is just like.

What is normal.

My normal is not your normal.

Right?

We've been sold Normal by Hollywood.

Wow.

This.

This is a great book.

So.

Debunks that our lives are not normal, and then we actually like.

And if they're not normal, then they're what?

They're complex.

They're dynamic.

Every.

Everyone's life is different.

Yes, Dynamic.

Everyone's life is different, right?

Based on our upbringing, based on where we are in the family, based on, you know, our socioeconomic status, our culture, where we live now, where we used to live, where we work, like, all of that shapes us.

And so how can anyone be normal?

You know, and what.

This is what Ah, gosh.

See, you're making me break all the rules.

Right.

So.

So what that inspires me to think about is, like, it's like, we need.

We.

We are so enamored in this culture around labels.

Like, I just live a normal life.

I'm fine.

I'm an extrovert.

I'm.

You know, and we've lost the art of expression.

Right.

Because you believe your life is not normal, you would actually need to express and explain it in color, in living color.

Right.

And I think there's an art to doing that in a way that is like, I think all of our lives are intended to inspire.

Yes.

I don't think it's just left for a few of us to be inspirational.

I think all of.

Like, to your point, if nobody lives a normal life.

Yes.

Everyone is probably equipped to inspire another human being.

Exactly.

100%.

100.

You're onto something.

We might need to do a conference about debunking the normal.

Yes.

I love that.

What is an app that helps you with your thrive.

An app that helps me with my thrive.

Wow.

The Bible app.

Are we in it together that we friend with each other?

I'm in it every day.

I.

My.

I'm so proud of my streak.

Yes.

Yes.

I do my devotions.

I listen to some scripture.

It keeps me grounded.

Look at my streak.

There you go.

There you go.

See?

Yes.

I love it.

And I know I asked you, but maybe you have another one.

What is one misconception that people have of you as they see you in your thrive?

That I'm organized.

No, you're not.

I am not very organized.

I, I.

My.

My household that is organized.

But if I don't have support, if.

If it's not in my calendar, if it's not written down, it does not exist for me.

I get a million emails a day from schools.

I get like, so thanks.

Like, the Samantha.

Yes, the Samantha is my.

She is for people listening.

Samantha is my operations manager, and she keeps me down.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, thank you, Samantha, for making this possible.

So.

Wow.

Thank you.

So where do we find more of you online?

Yes, you can find me www.francispsychotherapy.com.

you can find me at Francis Psychotherapy on most social channels.

Yeah, I'm just a girl out here.

Yeah.

Just a girl.

Yes.

There's no just.

There's no just about you and you.

Okay, I'll take that.

Yeah, I'll take that.

Thank you.

And so please finish this sentence for us.

Yes.

I am empowered in my skin.

When.

I am empowered, in my skin When I am well rested When I am well rested all is right with the world I can handle whatever comes my way I feel strong, yeah When I'm well rested I love that.

I love that.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for gracing me with your energy, with your wisdom, with your experience, with your mindset and your soul and your spirit and your love and your compassion, your empathy.

Thank you for gracing all of us with all of that.

And of course, you're special.

Thank you for having me.

No problem.

Likewise.

Likewise.

And to everyone that's listening, this is sadly where I have to say I got it.

I can't keep breaking the rules.

So.

We'Re out.

Bye.

Bye.

There you have it.

I trust that you are feeling more empowered in your skin.

As the late Dr. Maya Angelou said, when you get, you give.

When you learn, you teach.

So it would mean so much for us at Empower to My Skin, Inc.

If you share this episode and tag us or teach an insight that you took from today's episode on your social and tag us.

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