In this Episode, I'm diving into the topics of people pleasing, perfectionism, and doer mentality in how it let me to burn out and how it can lead you as well. I share some encouragement and solutions to help you begin to navigate each of these.

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Connect with you soon! Tiffany

Hey everybody, welcome back to the Breaking Up with Burnout podcast. set the stage for today. I am going to be sharing part two of my story, but it is a winter blizzard outside. So, it's windy, snow is falling, it is collecting, it is quiet. I don't know how much snow has fallen, but it has been consistent all day long. I've got my matcha latte that I made before I sat down to do this podcast and I'm ready to start sharing more of my story. do you ever feel something deeply within you and that this is what you're supposed to do?

Tiffany Leader: I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing this year is sharing more and more of my story. So, part two, here we go. Where I left off in part one is I was starting to share a little bit about people pleasing, a little bit about perfectionism, how I felt in high school, and I wanted to talk more about the people pleasing, the perfectionism, and the doer mentality because all of these different things lead to compassion fatigue.

Tiffany Leader: lead to why I have this podcast and why I'm sharing stories about burnout and why I'm talking to other people about it because no matter where you are in life, you can experience burnout. I was talking to somebody the other day about it and I was like, "Yes, I work with high achieving individuals, but high achieving individuals doesn't have to be corporate." That's what a lot of people think. High achieving equals corporate, but you can be a high achieving stay-at-home mom. You can be a high achieving parent.

Tiffany Leader: You can be a high achieving sister or brother or or colleague or college student. Honestly, burnout comes in every form of every age of life. I can even think of little kids that are just like, I'm so done." when they have their tantrums. I think of my nieces when they hit that point where nothing makes sense to them anymore and they just start tantruming that is a level of burnout for them.

Tiffany Leader: So in saying that, we got to look at and I wanted to reflect on different characteristics that I've developed over my life that I can see enhanced my journey towards burnout. So the first thing is people pleasing being a yes person. I was trying to think right before I recorded this. It's like When did I start becoming a yes person? When did I start receiving affirmation for saying yes? And unteering in elementary school. I can think about volunteering in high school.

Tiffany Leader: When I got into church settings, it felt good to say yes and I got affirmation for it. people told me what a good kid I was or how helpful I was or I can remember being teachers aids and whatnot because I was saying yes and pleasing them to me in turn fulfilled my little heart of look I'm doing a good job look like they like me. in and of itself, it's not a bad thing. Anything we do in and of itself, the behavior is okay.

Tiffany Leader: But when it becomes shaping my identity or when it became saying yes despite myself even when I wanted to say no when it became exhausting to continue to say yes that's when people pleasing leads to burnout that's when it starts to hinder you as a person And that's where the toy between or the tug between I feel conflicted or I feel obligated or this is what I'm expected to do. I have so many clients that taught me that but this is what I is expected in my family or this is what is expected in the workplace. And I always gently challenge them and say yes maybe that's what is expected but is it healthy?

Tiffany Leader: is it helpful for you? Does it hurt you? Does it make you angry? Do you feel like this is something you just have to do? there are things in life that we have to do. So, I understand that. But there's a point where expectation of other people and us is harmful for us. And that ties into perfectionism as well. When people expect us to be good or to be perfect, that's part of my story. I was the good kid out of my family. I always did the good things or I learned from my older sister. That was like the story. I just learned from her, so I'm not going to do those things. But then that put pressure on me to be perfect.

Tiffany Leader: And I started developing that perfectionistic rigid perspective on life I have to do it this way. So yeah, people pleasing, perfectionism, both again it's kind of like hard work and hustling. It's okay to hard work, but when you start hustling, that's where it's damaging. So when you want to work hard and do well, whether it's in school, whether it's in work, that's great. But when you feel like you have to be perfect, that's when it starts harming you cuz there's an expectation that is unrealistic that you cannot meet.

Tiffany Leader: for example, in my work sometimes I think if I can get all the things on my to-do to-do list done this week, then it's going to be awesome or I'm going to just work it out. It's just going to be amazing, So, I'm checking things off and adding things on there and maybe something happens where I can't. And that's when life changes, when things happen, when the unexpected things or decisions that show up start happening, it's like, wait, I can't get all the things on my checklist off. I actually dealt with this recently because I'm testing out a new kind of planner calendar right now.

Tiffany Leader: I haven't decided if I like it or not, but it is to-do list based and it's great in keeping my to-do list organized, but I don't know if it's good for my mental state to see everything that's on the do list for the week. because I start getting stressed out and how am I going to get all this done? I have to get this done. I start going into the perfectionism mindset that I have to be perfect, that I got to check everything off, that everything has to look a certain way. That perfectionism is an unreal realistic expectation of self. And that can come from family members, people that said something to what you learn. Some of it's learned behavior, but some of it's also innately within you as well.

Tiffany Leader: And it's just like knowing that and understanding that and having so much compassion. That's what I've learned about people pleasing it's boundaries. Perfectionism it's self-compassion. Cuz perfectionism ties into our identity which often we feel shame. If we can't be perfect, we feel bad about myself. I'm not a good person. Why couldn't I do everything on my checklist for the day? Why couldn't I keep all these different expectations that critic? I think I talked a little bit about that one last time.

Tiffany Leader: And so having so much self-compassion bust shame, perfectionism, and the inner critic when we can have so much grace and so much self-compassion. So what does that What does self-compassion look like? It's the old cliche saying of treat yourself as a friend. Talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend. so for me, my inner critic is very rigid and sharp with her words and very fast in the way she talks to me "How could you do this? I can't believe you didn't finish that. Why are you doing this?" just barging me with questions. That's what she tries to do.

Tiffany Leader: But my self-compassion voice is slower, is statements instead of questions "Hey, it's okay. I trust you're going to get this done. Just because we didn't get the to-do list done today doesn't mean we're a failure. But you did the best you could for this day in your capacity. So, can you tell the difference in my voice when I said the inner critic versus the self-compassionate? I had to combat the inner critic imperfectionism specifically by talking to myself differently.

Tiffany Leader: And people joke about don't talk to yourself cuz you're going to be crazy or whatever. But our self-t talk is huge because we talk to ourselves in our head all day long and even in our subconscious we talk to ourselves. But are we thinking about those thoughts? Are we recognizing what they are and what they're saying to us? And does it align with who we are, the truth, and who we're created to be? Sometimes yes. A lot of the times no. The statistic out there says and the research shows we have I believe it's one thought to every four positive thoughts. backwards. One positive thought to every four negative thoughts.

Tiffany Leader: And the negative thoughts come because of life experiences, because of culture, because of things that have happened, yada, etc. And so we were born with an optimistic and a positive brain, but because of all these experiences, it has shaped The cool thing is we can shape our brain outside of negativity. And that's mindset work, that's thought work. if you want to get clinical as far as the therapeutic side, that's cognitive behavioral therapy, which I do a lot of with clients. I can remember a boss of mine when I was learning and growing as a therapist. He was like, "You are gifted in helping people shift their perspective." Which I had no idea. I was like, "I'm just starting to do this stuff."

Tiffany Leader: And they were like, "No, you are gifted in doing this." I'm like," Wow. So, for me, the majority of the work that I've done is helping people shift their perspective, helping them see I say the loopholes, but really helping them see what they can't see, the unrealistic expectations, like the lack of boundaries, like the perfectionist tendency or thoughts because it comes out in our words.

Tiffany Leader: When I'm talking to client, rather a client is talking to me, I can see all of it. I can see the questions. I can see the expectations. I can see how they're hard on themselves. And sometimes they don't even realize it. and I mean, for me, I've gone to therapists and coaches over my life, and I still do, and they see what I can't see. too. They'll point out my train of thought. I mean, I can think I have one example that pops in my mind. And she just paused. I can't even remember what we were talking about. And she was like, "Do you really think that or what does that mean to you?" And I was like, "I don't know."

Tiffany Leader: So we got to a place of seeing I was making meaning about things that didn't really mean it didn't hold value but I made meaning of it in my life for whatever reason whether somebody said it and it just sunk in or I took it in for whatever reason and she just showed me an unrealistic expectation that wasn't true for myself and who I was aligned and created to was holding on and causing anxiety in my life and it didn't need to be there. I just held on to it for whatever reason. So, she saw that in me cuz I couldn't see it and she was I say allowed to but she busted that expectation. She busted that thought for me because I couldn't see it.

Tiffany Leader: and it just changed everything about how I viewed the world. I was like, whoa, I can't believe that. I mean, I can, but it made so much sense to see it from her perspective. Anyways, we need people in our lives to help us with the perfectionism. When it goes back to people pleasing, I talked about people pleasing, the opposite of that, what to help with that is boundaries. I can remember a specific conversation with actually a pastor at my church at the time. He sat me down and at a different time, his wife actually sat me down and they were like, "Tiffany, you have to stop. You're doing too many things and you need to have boundaries.

Tiffany Leader: I know you like to do a lot of things, but you have to figure out what you love specifically and do that. Don't do a lot of things in with an inch deep, but do one or two things that go super deep, which for me is still a problem I have way better boundaries, but I've learned I'm a multi-passionate person. I thoroughly and genuinely enjoy a variety of different things. That's why my business has several parts to it because I enjoy each part of it. I enjoy having diversity in the work that I do.

Tiffany Leader: I love for example recording this podcast cuz it's something different than sitting with clients or coaching my team or creating content I say social media content cuz this is a piece of content but I love a variety but what I fell into in my life and it was part of people pleasing part of perfectionism of I want to be accepted. I want to be the good kid.

Tiffany Leader: I want to be affirmed by other people. I was volunteering for all the things and I genuinely loved it. But boy was I exhausted and it has led to my exhaustion and burnout. Part of that is what I like to call the er mentality. Us high achievers, overachievers, We love to get things done. We love to execute a vision. We love to dream a vision. We love to put feet to the fire. And Let's check off the list. Let's do the things. Let's get accomplished. Let's cross out the do list because It makes us feel good. And again, in and of itself is great.

Tiffany Leader: But when we start achieving, accomplishing and doing because we want to be accepted and loved and valued and seen and known, that's where it gets a little hairy. That's where burnout happens because we just stay on the rat race so we can be whatever word you want to put there. Successful, accepted, again, loved, valued. And that's the problem is that we tie our identity to doing. And I can remember I did it throughout college.

Tiffany Leader: I've done it throughout my adult life until I started saying no. It was probably after college and it was hard to start saying no. I can remember I was in my first big girl job as a therapist. I was a counselor at the time cuz I didn't have my clinical license yet. And I remember reading a book on boundaries because it was a book my clients were going through a class and I was like, "Okay, I'll sit in on some of the class and I will read the book."

Tiffany Leader: my gosh, the book was a game changer for me because I just light bulbs went off in my head about having boundaries and creating that space for yourself and recognizing where do you end and other people begin and all these different concepts when it comes to boundaries. And I had to put my doer self on halt and say, "Okay, I'm going to start this journey of saying no." And that no is a complete sentence. my gosh, that was so hard. Can't even tell you. It was so hard because I had to deal with the people pleasing and what that meant to me.

Tiffany Leader: And I had to deal with the perfectionism and what people's opinions about me because I was saying no and what I thought about myself. It's been a long journey of unlearning the doer mentality. because it's tied directly to the people pleasing and perfectionism. It's tied to wanting to be loved, seen, and valued. It's tied to the core of my identity. But the more I trusted in myself and who I am and who I knew I am was and am and the more I trusted God and who he said I am. Then I was able to say no more easily. I was able to carve out space to think about what does actually bring me joy.

Tiffany Leader: What can I actually do that will save my energy? How can I live my life in a way that feels sustainable? Because it was not sustainable going at the pace that I was going and doing in the way that I was doing. And part of me recognizes is That the characteristic of loyal. I'm a very loyal person. And loyalty. I'll be loyal to the bone. Even when things are blowing up, I'm going to stick it with you. The problem with that is I stay too long. I commit for longer than I expected and I hurt myself in the process. That's what happened in my big burnout.

Tiffany Leader: I'm like fiasco story that's the pinnacle of burnout for me was part of it was loyalty part of it I didn't want to feel like a failure part of it was like during the time when I needed to make decision those things were going through my mind another layer to this would be in the field of social work, which I have a lot to say about that, so I'm not going to step on that completely, but I will a little bit.

Tiffany Leader: It's the mentality in the social work field that we save as many lives as we can, that we work as hard as we can for the people that we work with, and we get it done no matter what because there's always problems, there's always stuff we got to do. We tend to be overworked and underpaid. And that's just the acceptance of the life of a social worker. And the mentality is it's not about the money. It's about those who I want to work with. It's not about the money. And I lived that way for such a long time cuz I loved the work that I did. It made me feel good.

Tiffany Leader: It was my passion, the impact I was making on other people. And I still have that mentality as far as No, I say I still have the passion for people. I do not have the mentality that it's not about the money because now I've matured into the thought we deserve to have a livable wage and we deserve to have compensation for the work that we've done and I have a master's degree.

Tiffany Leader: I have a clinical license that in other fields probably get paid 10 times more than I was getting paid in my field in a clinical director position or even just a provider position. there's people that have the same degrees in same types of license but had a license that were making 10 12 times more than I was making as a social worker.

Tiffany Leader: And all the time. I'll just say that I advocate for a live livable wage for social workers as much as I can. Who am I writing to? Representatives, the National Social Work Board, all of that. I am lobbying for it.

Tiffany Leader: But the doer mentality, the people pleasing, the perfectionism just was in my field, it's just conducive to all those things. Social workers don't have boundaries cuz we're helping our people. We can be people to our bosses, to our colleagues. We want to do a good job. We want to be perfect so that we can excel in our work. We want to be afirmed by our boss, affirmed that we're making a difference in our organization with others and there's always so much to do and there's not enough people to do the work.

Tiffany Leader: So again, people pleasing, perfectionism, Jew mentality fit right into the puzzle of what is norm, culturally normal for social workers and I just fit right into that and that just fit right in for me of all these things that I was dealing with. So not just personally but also professionally I was dealing with the lack of boundaries. I can remember as a case manager when I got had my bachelor's degree, I'd work till 8 or 9:00. At that point, we were on salary. So it was like get the job done, when you can get it done. And sometimes I would be working that late because of different situations and different scenarios.

Tiffany Leader: And I would justify coming in early and I'd be working 10hour days or I'd be working 12-hour days just depend just to get the work done because there was so much work and just not enough time to do the work. And I'm like how did I do that? I don't even know. I was in my early 20s so that's why I had more capacity than I do now or I just didn't know what my capacity was and running at that pace didn't hinder me physically like it started to do later on in life and but running at that pace even though I could do it I know has affected me now.

Tiffany Leader: I know the chronic stress that I dealt with with the work that I was working in, the ways I coped with dealing with the work, all of it ways I mean I coped in some healthy ways and there were unhealthy ways as well that all has led to burnout and me physically dealing with the issues that I have today. I have a chronic illness and I know it's from chronic stress. I know that it's from coping in unhealthy ways in my life of stress and other things. But now I know what to do. Now I'm confident like I can set boundaries in a heartbeat. I don't feel guilty anymore about that.

Tiffany Leader: I can cancel if I was going to go do things something and I don't feel good that day, I can cancel pretty easily now without feeling guilty or any of those other feelings because also I've learned who I am. I have defined it specifically of who I am, what do I want to do, where I want to put my energy, and where it needs to stop. I don't think I was in tune to my body. I knew I was getting sick and I had these different cycles, excuse me, of what I was going through with stress, but I didn't realize how that was going to affect my body later on. And I think probably my next episode on my story is going to be about that.

Tiffany Leader: It'll be about chronic illness, and I'm like writing this down so I remember and other things that I started to learn about myself. So, I will stop there. Thank you for listening to this episode of Breaking Up with Burnout. I hope you resonated and was encouraged by it. I would love to hear your feedback. I'd love to hear what stood out to What you took away from it and just to start conversations. If something sparked in your mind, I'd love to have a conversation about it.

Tiffany Leader: You can DM me at seethe wonderl on Instagram or send me an Tiffany leader e net. I have loved emailing with people. It's kind of old-fashioned, but I really find beauty in sending emails back and forth with other people that I'm connecting with and sharing ideas with. So, it's really, really fun for me. I want to remind you that we are launching in March the Take a Moment collective. This is a membership for the high achieving Sorry guys, but it's just for the ladies who is wanting and desiring to create space for herself, but she doesn't know how to start. She needs and desires soul nourishing rhythms. She wants to take care of herself like she takes care of other people.

Tiffany Leader: but she doesn't know where to start or she's just discovering it. And together we're discovering these rhythms together. We're discovering micro moments of wellness that's going to provide lasting change and s sustainability together. And I The weight list is in the show notes. If you are on the weight list, then you get exclusives coming in to the membership. So, join the weight list now. and I cannot wait to be in the membership with you. It's going to be so much fun. Also, just a reminder, I have the reflective journaling workbook. It's a digital product so you help you become self-aware, and understand where you are in setting your goals, pursuing your goals, and what things that may need to change.

Tiffany Leader: I always ask the question to myself every month, what went What was challenging? And what can I change? And those are three basic questions that I give other questions to so that you can start reflecting and having your own reflection practice because that's where the growth and that's where the healing starts in the reflective process, but also observing the awe and wonder in the world. Again, Thank you for listening to this podcast. And until next time, we'll talk to you soon.