The Mother-in-Law Series: Service That Actually Helps

Midlife with Brooke, Episode 3 of 5

We are back for week three of the mother-in-law series. We started with weddings, then talked about being the fun aunt instead of another mother. This week is all about service, the kind that actually helps and the kind that (even with the best intentions) can create distance instead of connection.

As I was preparing for this episode I interviewed women in their late 20s to early 30s about their mother-in-law relationships, and their stories shaped everything we talk about today. One line has stuck with me through this whole series: joining a new family is like moving to another country. As the mother-in-law we get to decide if we are the friendly local who helps someone acclimate, or border control.

In this episode

One size doesn't fit all. My mom used to come over and immediately start doing dishes and laundry, asking me where everything went, and my anxiety would spike every time. My sisters loved that same instinct in her. Same mom, same desire to serve, completely different reactions. Help is not received as intended. It is received as it is interpreted.

Be mindful about your reasons for helping. I share a story about a client whose daughter in law kept a messy house. She would clean every time she visited, only to come back to a mess again. Eventually we realized the real question was not "how do I get her to keep it clean," it was "am I serving her, or am I trying to make her into someone more comfortable for me."

Believe them. If she tells you she does not need help in the kitchen, believe her. If your kids ask you to scale back on Christmas gifts, believe them too. I talk about my own tendency to overbuy and why that usually comes from scarcity, not love.

Tell the truth back. Believing them goes both directions. I share a recent moment with my son, where being honest about what would actually help me (instead of just saying yes to watching my granddaughter) built more trust, not less.

Do some quiet noticing. Filling up a gas tank. Washing the suitcase full of dirty clothes before the grandkids go home. A text that says "you're doing such a great job." These small, unrequested things often land more than the grand gestures.

Honor her boundaries, even the ones that do not make sense to you. I tell the story of a friend who babysits her grandkids full time and gets a long list of rules from her daughter. Her response: if you want a daycare provider, hire one, but I am the grandma, and sometimes we are going to have ice cream for breakfast. Boundaries take honesty on both sides, and they take a regulated nervous system to talk through well.

A question to sit with

What is one thing I could quietly notice this month to support my daughter in law?

Recap

1. One size doesn't fit all
2. Be mindful about your reasons for helping
3. Believe them
4. Be honest when they ask your true feelings
5. Do some quiet noticing
6. Honor boundaries and communicate with love

Connect with Brooke

Join my newsletter at www.brookeoniki.com/sign-up/

Welcome to Midlife with Brooke.

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I am your host, Brooke Oniki.

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I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ,

a wife, mother, grandma,

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and a certified life coach.

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On this podcast, we talk about all things

mothering, health and emotional wellbeing.

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I share practical tools and

examples from my life and from the

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lives of my clients to help you

navigate this new season of midlife.

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It can feel tricky and confusing and

a little bit out of our comfort zone

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as our children grow up and they

don't really need us in the same way.

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These concepts and principles have changed

my life and I've watched them change

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the lives of my clients, and I hope that

they can be helpful if there are things

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that you wanna change in your life.

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So let's get started.

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Hi, welcome to the podcast.

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and Often I learn such amazing things

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on my calls with private clients, and I

share that learning with you in my emails.

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So I hope you'll sign up there.

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Today is our third episode

in my mother-in-law series.

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We first talked about weddings, then

we talked about being the fun aunt

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rather than trying to be another

mother to your daughter-in-law,

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and today we're gonna talk about

service, service that actually helps.

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as I was preparing for the podcast.

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I interviewed many women that are,

like, mid to late 20s to early 30s

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who've been married for a while,

have kids, and I wanted to know about

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their mother-in-law relationships.

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And they shed so much light, and I'm

grateful for the things that they shared.

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One thing that has stuck out that

I've shared every podcast is one

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girl said, joining a new family

is like moving to another country.

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You don't know the language,

the customs, the way that people

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communicate and interact with each

other, and there's a learning curve.

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And as the mother-in-law, we can be

the friendly local that invites her in

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and helps her to acclimate to this new

culture, or we can be border control,

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where we don't really invite her in.

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We don't make her feel welcome.

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And most of us feel like we're doing our

best to make her feel welcome, but even

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still, it can be a challenging time, and

it can take time before we feel really

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bonded and close to our daughter-in-law.

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But today's topic is service, which

we would think would be something that

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would help us really feel close to

our daughter-in-law, and sometimes it

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can, and other times it doesn't always

work as well as we would like it to.

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So I'm gonna share some good things, ways

that we can do it, and also some things

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that we need to be aware of so that we

don't create difficult relationships.

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When I was younger, this is a story

about my mom, and I've shared it before,

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but I didn't notice it before I got

married, but once I got married, when

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she would come to my house, often she

would just come in and start cleaning,

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doing the dishes or putting laundry away

or just doing some kind of chore, and

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she would tell me, "Where does this go?"

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and "Where does this go?"

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and "What should I do with this?"

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And I remember my anxiety level would just

increase dramatically when she arrived,

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and it was not because she was serving me.

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It was because I had these thoughts

about it, like, "She doesn't

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think I'm doing a good job.

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She doesn't think that I am

managing my household very well."

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And so of course my anxiety

increased, because I was feeling

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like I wasn't doing a good job.

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And so I spoke to my sisters about

it, and they were all like, "Oh, I

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just save the laundry room for her

or a big chore for her, or I just go

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have her paint something," because

my mom is really good at serving,

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and she loves to help in that way.

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So my sisters, rather than making it about

them, that they were deficient in some

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way, they found ways, healthy ways, to

allow my mom to serve without making it

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mean that they were deficient in some way.

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I thought that was interesting.

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It was the same mom.

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It was the same desire to serve,

but my reaction to it affected my

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willingness to have her help me.

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So the principle that I think

is interesting here is help

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isn't received as intended.

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It's received as it's interpreted.

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So later, let's say years later,

I was coaching a woman who was a

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mother-in-law, and she said, "Every time

I go to my daughter-in-law's house and

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I ask to help, she tells me I can't.

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She lets her mom help, she lets her

sisters help, but when I ask to help,

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she usually says, 'No, I've got it.'"

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And this mother-in-law was

feeling really offended by that.

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And I was able to shed some light

on her experience because of the

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experience that I had had with my mom.

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And not that what, the way I was

acting was the right way, but it

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was the way that I naturally acted.

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And so you may have a daughter-in-law that

feels threatened in some way when you come

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in and just immediately start cleaning.

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And so my first tip for you is

that one size doesn't fit all.

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You may have a daughter-in-law like

my sisters who are like, "Come on in.

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Help me any way that you can."

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Or you may have a daughter-in-law like

me who felt a little insecure, not only

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with my mother, I had some of those

things with my mother-in-law as well.

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we just have to watch and say,

"Okay, I wanna be aware of what

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is helpful and what is not."

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And so I'm not gonna assume that my

daughter-in-law likes it done just

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the way I do, or likes help just the

way I do, Or wants to do things in

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the order I do, or wants the same

amount of cleanliness that I want.

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We have to just be aware that everybody

is very different, and If I go in

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assuming that we are just the same

or that she's gonna want service

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in the same way I want service, we

might actually cause more frustration

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for each other than connection.

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So it's good to ask questions.

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With my mom, I eventually realized

what was going on for me, and

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I explained to her, "When you

come in and start telling me

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I'm gonna do this or I'm doing that

or where does this go, my anxiety

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level increases dramatically."

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And so I just asked her, "Will

you ask me and say, 'Is there

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something I can do for you?'

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And if I have something, I will tell

you, and if I don't have anything,

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I don't want you to start cleaning."

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And because my mother loves me and she

does want to have a true connection

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with me, she has honored that boundary

beautifully, and I am so grateful for her.

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I'm grateful that she is meek

enough and humble enough that

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she was willing to accept.

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She might think that that's silly that

I feel all kinds of anxiety, but she was

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willing to honor that boundary for me,

and I have been very grateful for that.

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So there might be growth

needed on both sides.

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Maybe your daughter-in-law is like me,

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I haven't been meek enough to accept help.

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I'm getting better at it, but that

was something that was hard for me.

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And then there's growth on the other side.

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As the mother-in-law, can I take

what you say and hear what you're

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telling me and believe you and

not say, "Well, that's silly.

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I'm gonna do it anyway"?

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So

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When we feel differently about household

chores or the way the kids should be

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dressed or the way their hair should

be or, or how much time we should spend

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with each other, rather than think,

"Oh, it's silly that she feels this

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way," it can be more useful for us when

we remember one size doesn't fit all.

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We don't all agree about these things,

and the more I can try to understand

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the other person, we can learn how

to be flexible with one another.

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Number two is be mindful about

your reasons for helping.

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Sometimes our helping is more about

us than it is about helping them.

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Let me explain.

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I had a client come to me who

had a daughter-in-law that

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had a really messy house.

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She had lots of kids, My client

wholeheartedly agreed that she

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was a fantastic mother, that she

spent lots of time with her kids,

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and really was engaged with them.

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But my client was anxious

about how dirty her house was.

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And so when she would go to visit

this daughter-in-law, she would clean.

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If the daughter-in-law left

and she was babysitting, she

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would clean and clean and clean.

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But then she said, "But then the next

time I would come up, it would just

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be a big mess again," and this was

really frustrating for my client.

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But as we worked together, we

realized this daughter-in-law,

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that's not a priority for her.

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She has different priorities

than my client did.

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A clean house was not as

important to the daughter-in-law

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as it was to the mother-in-law.

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So my client realized, "Oh, I'm cleaning

because I want it to be clean, and then

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I'm resentful when she's not keeping it

as clean as I think she should be, 'cause

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I'm breaking my back to clean it every

time I come, and then I'm coming back and

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finding everything in disarray again."

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But it's okay for this daughter-in-law

to not value the same things

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that her mother-in-law does.

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She's allowed to have

different priorities.

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When the mother-in-law, my client, is

frustrated that the daughter-in-law

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doesn't think cleaning is important,

she actually creates more disconnection

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in cleaning all of the time, 'cause

it's a little bit like you're

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trying to push the things you

value onto your daughter-in-law.

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And if she doesn't want those things, if

they're not important to her, it's not

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our job to make them important to her.

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So the question we wanna ask ourselves is

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Am I serving her because I want to serve

her, or Am I trying to turn her into

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someone that's more comfortable for me?

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It's a really important question

because sometimes the things that

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we do to help are to make us feel

more comfortable the third concept I

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wanna talk about is believing them.

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if your daughter-in-law says,

"I don't need any help in the

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kitchen," I want you to believe her.

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I want you to go and find

something else to do.

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Maybe you can play with the kids, or talk

to your son, or talk to your husband,

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or whatever else that you could do.

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Rather than make it mean something about

you, I can just believe for some reason,

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I am not the right person for the job

Sometimes our daughter-in-law or our son,

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or it could be a son-in-law and daughter,

will tell us things and we disregard them.

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I've had several people come to me

and say, "I overbuy at Christmastime.

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I always get my grandkids

way too much stuff."

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And sometimes my kids even tell me,

"Quit getting them so much stuff."

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But because of our own insecurities of

feeling like, "What if I get it wrong?

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Maybe if I get them an extra thing,

then for sure one of them will be right.

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Maybe last year was good, but you're

trying to outdo whatever you did last

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year, so you try to get bigger and better.

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But all of those thoughts

are driven by scarcity.

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So when our kids say to us, "We only want

you to get them two things," or one thing,

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or, "We want you to get them one item of

clothing and one book," whatever it is

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that they share with you, believe them.

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If they give you a list of links,

buy something from the links they

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gave you that's in your budget.

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Don't do more.

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Don't tell yourself, "Oh, I don't

know if this is gonna be right."

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The more you believe them, the

more trust that you build, because

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you're letting them know that you

hear what they're saying and you're

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willing to follow their instructions

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Another element with this is the

other side, where you are honest

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when they ask you questions.

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So I had an experience recently

where I was supposed to watch my

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granddaughter Emmy, and I had a whole

bunch of things that I needed to

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do before I was going on vacation.

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And my son brought her up to

stay overnight, and I was gonna

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watch her for the next two days.

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And while he was at our house, he

got a phone call and found out he

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didn't have to work the next day.

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So he said to me, "I could actually

take her home and take care of

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her tomorrow so that you could

get some of these things done."

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And there was a part of me that was

like, "Oh, no, I should always say yes.

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I should always wanna babysit her."

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But I also knew it would be super helpful

to me in the long run to have one more

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day to get all of those things done.

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But there was a huge pull inside

my heart, and there's part of me

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thinking, "Well, I'll just watch her,

and then I'll stay up really, really

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late and get those things done."

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But my son said to me, "Mom, be honest.

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We want to have you help us, but we don't

want you to resent us, so if it would be

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more helpful, please tell me the truth."

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And so I told him, "It would probably

be better if you took her home, and I'll

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just watch her the next day, and that

will help me get ready for this trip."

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But being honest can sometimes be

hard 'cause we have these feelings

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that someone might be mad at us or

displeased or feel bugged or hurt

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or not understand our reasoning.

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And so sometimes we people please because

we don't want anybody to be mad at us.

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But I can promise you that if you can

be honest with them and also hear their

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honest thoughts towards you, you can

create a more authentic relationship.

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But it takes people telling the truth,

and that can be hard to do in the

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beginning, but as you practice, you

will get better at it I had one of

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these girls that I interviewed say, "My

mother-in-law has been so helpful to me."

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In the last few years, this young mom

has been a Relief Society president, and

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she said, "My mother-in-law has stepped

in to serve and strengthen and bless my

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family, and it's been such a gift to me."

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I had another girl say, "My

mother-in-law hardly looks at me.

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She never asks about my life.

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She cuts me off when I'm talking.

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Sometimes she rolls her eyes."

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She said, "I don't feel any kind of

trust or love towards my mother-in-law."

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She said, "My father-in-law always

asks about my life and what's going on

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and how I'm doing and compliments me."

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So it's very interesting.

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If we want to develop trust with someone,

learning how to tell the truth, learning

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how to listen and be interested and

invested, all of those things matter if

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we're going to build trust with someone.

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The next concept I think that is

important is just do some quiet noticing.

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If you're taking them to the airport

and you notice that their car's out

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of gas, fill their car up with gas.

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Wash your grandkids' clothes after they've

stayed with you for a couple of days so

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that when they get home, all the clothes

can be put back in the drawers instead

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of a suitcase full of dirty clothes.

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Offer to bring the grandkids home

after you've had them for a while so

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that they don't have to make the trip.

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There's so many quiet ways that

we can offer extra support, and we

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never want to do that from a place of

resentment or feel like, "I just do so

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much, and they never appreciate it."

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That's not what I'm talking about.

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I'm not suggesting that you do things that

are outside what you're willing to do.

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But

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Those simple, quiet unrequested

things are often the most thoughtful.

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They don't intrude

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They aren't grand.

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I remember once when I was younger,

my brother-in-law took my car

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somewhere, and he filled it up with

gas, and I was a young adult, and

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I just remember being so grateful.

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And I think sometimes those small

things of just noticing that that

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would be really, really helpful.

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Buying some groceries

and bringing them by.

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There are just so many small ways

that we can let people know that we

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love them and we care about them.

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I think even small things like a text

saying, "You know, as I was watching your

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kids today, they were so well-mannered.

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I think you're doing such a great job."

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sometimes that quiet noticing is more

helpful than even the grand gestures.

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some other even smaller things might be

making sure you have her favorite treat

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when you go on vacation, initiating

a conversation about something that

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she's doing in her work or a class

that she's taking something that she's

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learning about, a book that she's

reading, a podcast that she loves.

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Taking your son-in-law to

lunch, just the two of you.

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I've done this with my son-in-law a

few times, and I just really enjoy the

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conversations we have when it's just

us, and I get to know him in a totally

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new way when I'm building a relationship

with him and not him and my daughter.

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The last one I want to talk

about is honoring boundaries.

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This was an interesting conversation

that I had with these girls.

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Some of them said, "I've had some

boundaries for my mother-in-law that feel

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really important to me, and she doesn't

often agree with the things that I'm

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doing, but I just want her to know that

I've thought about these things for a

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long time, and they're important to me."

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So even if they're not important to

you as the mother-in-law or you don't

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feel like they make a lot of sense,

one of the great things we can do

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to serve our daughter-in-law is to

honor the things she's asked us to do.

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So here's one example.

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If your daughter-in-law said, "I don't

want my kids to have their faces on

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any social media, so I want you to

blur it out or put a heart over it

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or whatever," that is a request that

might not make any sense to you.

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You might not think

that that's a big deal.

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But honoring that boundary that

she's created shows that you are

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listening and that you care about

the things that are important to her.

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if your daughter-in-law has certain

bedtime routines or has decided to

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homeschool or has decided that she has

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certain things that her

family will eat and won't eat.

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We can do our best to follow the

things that she's asked us to do

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I also think that boundaries

take some honesty as well.

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I had a friend tell me once, she

watched her grandkids full-time, and

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her daughter would tell her, "I don't

want them eating this, and I don't

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want them watching TV, and I don't want

outside people here when they're here."

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She had the long list

of rules for her mother.

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And my friend said to her, "If you

want to have all of these really strict

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rules, I think you should hire a daycare

provider and let her know all of the

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things that you expect her to do.

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But I'm babysitting for you

for free, and I'm the grandma.

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So if your kids come to my house

and sometimes they want ice cream

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for breakfast, sometimes we're

gonna have ice cream because

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I'm the grandma, and that's fun.

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And sometimes in the afternoon we're

gonna sit down and watch a movie, And

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I'm not gonna have them watch TV the

whole time and only eating fruit snacks.

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I'm gonna try to honor your boundaries

the best that I can, but sometimes

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we're gonna do the fun thing and the

thing that they wouldn't get to do

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with you because I'm the grandma."

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So I do think it's okay for us to

express our concern when a boundary

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is something that we feel we're not

really able to honor all the time.

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And I think it's important

for us to express that so

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that we don't feel resentful.

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But the most important thing, I

think, is that we learn to communicate

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with love, that boundaries take

communication and belief that we

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each really care about each other.

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It's also important that we

have this communication in

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a regulated nervous system.

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If you've had your grandkids at your

house all day long and then you have

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a negative interaction with your

daughter-in-law and you're feeling tired,

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that's probably not the time to negotiate.

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It might be better for you to wait a

day or two until you feel peace and

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you know that you're coming from a

place of love before you have that

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conversation with your daughter-in-law.

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So let's just recap first

of all, we're gonna remember

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that one size doesn't fit all.

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We're not all the same.

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We don't all respond to

service in the same way.

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Number two, we're gonna be mindful

about the reasons we're helping.

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Do we help to make ourselves

more comfortable, or are we

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helping in genuine ways that our

daughter-in-law would appreciate?

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Number three, we're gonna believe them.

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When they ask us to do things

or not do things, we're going to

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believe them instead of trying

to override what they said.

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We're also gonna be honest.

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When they ask our true feelings, we're

gonna practice being honest with them

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about what we can handle and what

we can't, We just have to be honest

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about what we're willing to give

financially, emotionally, in time.

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All of those things are

important to be honest about.

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Then we wanna do some quiet noticing.

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Are there little ways that I can

show support that aren't, you

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know, hours and hours of time?

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Ways that I can just notice and

let her know I'm rooting for her.

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And then we wanna honor their

boundaries and communicate with love.

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So I hope that you'll think about

the things we talked about today

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and see is there some place I

struggle in one of these things.

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And if there is, let's

just work on one thing.

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There's no reason to work on all of them.

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We're gonna just get better

a little bit over time.

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So I hope you'll think about that.

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I'd love to hear what you're gonna try,

or some way that you are like, "Oh,

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yeah, I'm doing that a little bit."

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So in closing, What's one thing

that I could quietly notice this

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month to support my daughter-in-law?

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Okay, have a good week.

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Thanks for listening