If you’ve ever heard “just survive the middle school years,” this conversation will make you rethink that advice. Bridget KerMorris is a parent coach and relational therapist who believes these middle years can actually strengthen connections, as long as we learn how to listen differently.

She walks us through her Steady + Connected Parenting framework and shares simple, science-based ways to stay grounded when kids start pushing for independence. From screen-time battles to those late-night heart-to-hearts, Bridget offers language that helps parents move from fear to steadiness.

What You’ll Hear:

• The myth of disconnection in middle school (00:00)
• How parents’ own fears shape their rules (05:45)
• Repairing relationships in both directions (10:30)
• Bedtime as a window into their inner world (14:14)
• Anchoring tech rules in family values (26:05)
• Being compassionate with ourselves as parents (57:05)

Bridget’s reminder is simple but powerful: connection doesn’t disappear when kids grow up. It just changes shape. This episode is a gentle nudge to stay curious, stay steady, and trust that calm is the most contagious thing we can bring into a room.

You can watch this interview on YouTube: https://youtu.be/sJB2PvxS--k 

For a full transcript and more, check out our blog post: https://www.lindsaycz.com/show-notes/bridget-kermorris-21  

Check out more from Bridget KerMorris: 

You can follow Bridget on Instagram:  @bridget.parentcoach

On her website, grab her Freebie 50 Ways I'm Staying Close to My Middle Schooler.

Discover her course Middle School Tech Safety ToolKit, how you'll keep your middle schooler safe online without checking their devices.

[00:00:06] Bridget: We're not told how much our kids want to be connected to us. I think what we're told is that it's gonna be hard to make these decisions. You're gonna be fighting them with tech every day, and they're gonna wanna just be with their friends all the time.

[00:00:40] Lindsay: Hey guys, and welcome to this episode of Things No One Tells You TNOTY, which hopefully you know by now. But I really appreciate you tuning in this time, whether you're watching or you're listening, because I'm gonna tell you that today's episode was a bit of a game-changer for me. So. If you do or if you don't have middle schoolers in your house, I really believe that there is something you can take from this conversation because Bridgette KerMorris is my guest.

[00:01:33] And as a parent of a middle schooler, I constantly feel like I'm failing. I love this age because I just think there is so much. The discovery, fun, and growth that our kids are having. But I'm just gonna be honest, it's terrifying to me because I wanna hold on with every single piece of my energy to not let my son grow up.

[00:02:12] What do you do about screen time anyway, Bridget? I found her because she started popping up in my Instagram feed, and Bridget puts that on Instagram. Little notes, little sayings, thoughts, and tools that you can use, and you swipe through, and she'll say, You know, five things that you can work with your middle schooler on when it comes to tech, or whatever it is.

[00:02:52] I appreciate all of you that have sent in questions that we used in this conversation, and I hope this conversation is one that isn't limited to being right here and now, but one that we can keep maybe coming back to in this community because, one of the things that I have learned, and I certainly learned more through this conversation is when we are all able to be connected and open and vulnerable, there is a relatability that happens that brings us all closer.

[00:03:35] I felt like you had an A USB to my brain. I'm just so excited to talk to you, and I know that there are a lot of folks listening and watching that, who are on the same boat that might have middle schoolers, and you're a wealth of knowledge. I would love to just start and find out how you get into this type of work.

[00:03:57] Bridget: I mean, there's the basics. Like, I have seven kids, which is a lot. So I'm in this middle school. I'm in this middle space for a really long time. Yeah. You have four middle schoolers, right? Or you've had four? I've had four. Som. Raising my fourth middle schooler now.

[00:04:35] I'm a relational therapist. I'm a lawyer by training, so I just have a kind of curious problem-solving brain. Yeah. So I was just like, okay, let's just bring this all together and figure it out. Like a structure. 'Cause for me, a framework is really helpful. So that's, I came up with something called the Steady Plus Connected Parenting Framework. And it has four pillars, and it really addresses a lot of what I saw lacking in the parenting space. Also, the middle years are not talked about a lot. We kind of talked about the littler kid, and we talked about the teenagers. Often, middle schoolers get lumped with teenagers, and I don't think that's helpful.

[00:05:29] Bridget: Yes, so it starts with what I call the update method. And so this is what I haven't seen in a lot of places. It's where you really figure out,l ike, what's coming up for you as your kiddos are entering middle school. Oh, that's scary. So there that's so much virtual in, there's so much like, did you say that's scary?

[00:06:03] It's parental anxiety, and I have so much compassion for parents. It's so much. I mean, I've been in this space myself as a parent for so long. Yeah. That is what's gonna keep you from being connected with your kid, and unfortunately, that's going to keep them less safe in the world. And so it's like, what are my fears?

[00:06:40] Like this is the attunement, is what we call it, like how you can stay attuned to your kid, and it shifts as they're going into middle school. And so I found that middle school parents really needed a way to figure out, like, how can I connect to them now that they're. Growing up, they have different interests, and they're becoming more independent.

[00:07:14] So yes, like we repair with our kids when we say something as out of pocket, as my teens would say, or something unkind, or do something if we cross one of their boundaries. But if they say, like, sneak their phone when the family rules don't, like, how can we help them with that relational skill of repair?

[00:07:54] because we need to have that. And, parents are really relieved to hear that because parents do want a parent in a gentler way, but they don't wanna be permissive. And so I think this strikes a really great balance, and it's all about rooting, anchoring your family values, but the rules that you make, they're anchored, and what's important to your family.

[00:08:35] Your kid is on a device for a long time, and you're thinking that can't feel good for them, but they don't really know how to, like, check in with themselves. And so Yeah. And you're getting the dopamine hit. Absolutely. And so I think parents get really scared, and we try to lecture a lot. I am a former lawyer.

[00:09:08] And the same with friendships and things like that. Like, how are you feeling about that? And there's no right answer. It's just, and sometimes they're like, I don't know. And that's information. Right.

[00:09:24] My son pushed his sister; it happened. And, but he has been, that is, that goes against a family rule. And he actually was upset and brought it to my attention. He said, I am really mad with myself because I know I'm not supposed to do that. And, when he said that, in my mind, I'm thinking, I believe you. I believe you.

[00:10:10] You sort of go for the, I understand and thank you, and then you're done. Or it, you know, like what is the teachable moment there type thing, if that makes sense.

[00:10:30] Recognizing that, I think what we would say, and I'm sure you did this, as first you kind of attend to your daughter, make sure she's okay. It probably was just, she's fine. But, but yeah, when your son is coming to you and being like, I'm mad at myself. Yeah. I'm willing to share that with you, 'cause otherwise he's just keeping that really hard feeling in.

[00:11:10] In that moment before you pushed your sister, like, do you remember what was going on? And he might be like, I have no idea. But that's a really cool opportunity to figure out, like, oh yeah, he was getting really overwhelmed. Or she took something that was like whatever it was. And so it's like, whoa. Then this is a moment.

[00:11:46] Lindsay: Which was interesting because, you know, and I have found, and actually some of my friends that knew I was talking to you asked me specifically, could you please just find out suggestions from an expert about the time when we should, you know, when we might have success, getting them to engage in conversation with all the activities with school.

[00:12:24] And I, in my mind, I'm like, well, when are you doing that? Because it's the car ride home? Is it, you know, 'cause there are times when I'm asking and it's like, I'm good.

[00:12:46] yeah. So yes, kids bring up a lot of stuff at bedtime. So that, and definitely like the researchers out there like. You know, they're gonna be separated from you for a time. They kind of, it's almost like a, I think of it a little bit like in the Catholic church, a,s you go to, what is it? Confession, a little bit like they wanna go to sleep with a clean conscience, A clean conscience.

[00:13:23] Sure, Yeah. Like at bedtime, the most important thing for them to know as their head hits the pillow is that they're so important to you that you like them and that they can always come to you when things are hard. So, something I say, and I, we can revisit this because I don't wanna get too much off from your initial right.

[00:13:55] I mean, when you think about it, it's like, it's such an intense thing, but it makes sense from middle school because they're really trying to figure out who they are in the world, but the most important people they're asking to or their parents. And so if it can be, like, even when I push my sister, I know that my mom and dad still really like me now.

[00:14:29] Like, there can definitely be nights they go to bed where you're both frustrated at each other. But more times than not, if they can really feel like. My parents really like me, no matter what I do, and even when I like to yell at them or push them away, they're gonna come back. They're always gonna come back and like, check in and like, keep our bond strong.

[00:14:51] Lindsay: You know what's crazy is I think one of the toughest things to hear from someone is like, you know, and sometimes people in conversation, adults, I mean, we'll say like, I love you, I just don't like you right now. That's really hard. Like, I hate that.

[00:15:24] Bridget: No, it's not at all. Lindsay. I think about this all the time, so no, not at all. It's not in the weeds. Well, and I do have my younger kids, not so much my middle schooler, but they are very frustrating at bedtime 'cause they've got really busy brains and they kind of rally each other up. And so I, for me, telling them that they're really important to me is a biggie. And so you're really important to me. You're a great kid. Like, sometimes it's as simple as that. And, I will let them know, like, I'm feeling frustrated right now and like that's for me to deal with, but I just need you guys to know. And sometimes I'll just be like. I have to take a breath.

[00:16:13] Things like th,t. which I know it's like, oh, maybe Bridgette can do that 'cause she's a therapist or something. But I mean, it's not, I think now it comes really naturally to me, but I mean, I used to, I'm a Stanford-trained lawyer. Like for years I was much more professional and cautious with my words, but.

[00:16:47] 'cause in a lot of ways, Lindsay, my kids are much cooler than me. I mean, in almost all the ways, they're much cooler than I am. I also have a 15-year-old daughter. You're in it, they're very cool. And I feel a little embarrassed sometimes. So you kind of have to also check in with yourself and be like, I'm just gonna say like.

[00:17:13] Lindsay: And then just leave it. Right.

[00:17:17] Lindsay: Get outta your own way kind of thing.

[00:17:21] So, wait, your son's 11th, is he in sixth grade then? Sixth grade? For sure. Basketball. Okay. So I have a fifth grader. He's still in elementary school, but he and the kids are also different, and he is much more like, he doesn't like me to come to his class to read stories. Other of my kids have always wanted me to come, you know, they have like read a week and stuff like that.

[00:17:58] I don't think he would mind, but it's like that. I could very easily be like, This kid just doesn't like me. Like, you know, I could get my feelings hurt with that. Me around. You're so right. This is a shift too that I hope is helpful, 'cause I'm just like, what's in integrity for me? Like what is, like therapists use this a lot, but we say like, what's in congruence?

[00:18:37] And so it can't be based on what I get back from them. And, but that does take a lot of internal work 'cause I do get my feelings hurt sometimes. Lindsay, this is something I think is helpful for middle school parents. A lot of people will give advice, and they'll say, Don't take it personally, whatever they say to you, don't take it personally.

[00:19:10] And so when my kids like, this is my fifth grader, though, not quite a middle schooler, but I kind of put that in that middle age when he's like, Mom, you cannot sign up to be a secret reader or whatever. That hurts my feelings, but I'm also like, I don't know, I, then the next day he's like holding my hand as we cross the street, and like, or like making ice cream sundaes with me.

[00:19:36] Lindsay: So from your expert experience, what is it? You just take those moments as much as you can, so that they're like holding the hand that they're doing those things, and then those other things. Just know everyone is in that same boat, and it feels hard. It just does not feel good.

[00:20:10] Like, I think they're doing wonderful work, but I think the parent experience is really not talked about enough. Like, if we look like a pyramid, Lindsay, there's like, yeah, like parenting tips and tricks at the top. Great. When in a pinch, right? There's a lot of talk in the middle, so much talk about like, if you say this, your kid's gonna feel this way.

[00:20:49] I only need to focus on how my kid's feeling. Like, how does this, how does me, how does this interaction feel for my kid? Well. I guess, I don't know, maybe I'm kind of stubborn, Lindsay. I don't know. But I'm like, how does it feel for me? Like I want, and again, I'm like in it for so long, but I'm like, I wanna, like, I'm a human too.

[00:21:23] Like I have resources, I have like my husband and my friends and, you know, if you go see a therapist or a coach, like whatever. Yeah. Like, but it's like, don't pretend like. Like, that's like no biggie to you. This is an important person to you; your kid is an important person. So when they say something hurtful, it's like, ouch.

[00:21:51] Lindsay: Yeah. And I think, to your point about parents realizing like where they are in all of this and how this is impacting them, you know, it's everyone coming from such different backgrounds.

[00:22:20] It's just, you know, I could cry at the drop of a hat when a Folger's commercial comes on. Like any of that stuff that's like. Oh, when you were babies and now you're growing. It's like, that is the death of me. You know, like give me any sort of end-of-year thing that is like looking back, and I'm toast.

[00:23:01] They're getting a lot more streamlined, maybe, and exploring to your, so those are two different things, but I think it's very cool this age and I think that, yeah.

[00:23:18] I think that it's so dear, and I think that he needs, like you could tell him that or not tell him that, but he also needs to get to know you as a person. Like, these are really fun years. Yeah. Because you can,, like let your guard down a bit. Like I don't, the parents that I work with and who seem to follow me on my page or like the best parents in the world, like, so like in tune with their kids, and like wanna do the best, and it's like your kids also like want to know you.

[00:24:01] And like, oh, that's mom. Like when we think about it, I love the middle school years 'cause it's like a training ground for adulthood, and I talked about it like they're training them, like helping them with relationships. But like you wanna have a relationship with your kid as an adult too. Yeah. And I often see that.

[00:24:39] So anyways, that was kind of a long way to say, but I just thought like, that's so cool that your son knows, he's like so important to you, right? That you're literally like, I don't even know how I would do this.

[00:24:56] I think about that a lot, how important do you think it is to be a united front? And that sounds like a really common-sense question, but with your husband, and I suspect, you know, maybe, sure. There are things that I think most people who are in a relationship like that, parenting would think that yes, it is best for us to be on the same page, but I do think that sometimes it's just not, sometimes that's not the case.

[00:25:30] Bridget: That's a really great question. I think that the most important thing is for kids to see parents, and this is whether parents are still married or whether they're separated, or to see parents be respectful to each other.

[00:26:06] It seems like a little, yeah, little bit like that. But I get what your friend is asking, and I think it's a great question. I do think a lot of stuff should be talked about once the kids are in bed or something, you know, like talked about, like separately. I don't think you need to be like a. Talking with your spouse and disagreeing in front of your kid about like, whether they get a phone and stuff like that, but sure, sure.

[00:26:42] Right. And this is so important for your kids. That's so good. Yeah. See, one thing I really lean into with Lindsay is anchoring your family rules in your values. And so I find that most people who are a couple, and even if they are a couple and they've since separated, they often came together because they have shared values.

[00:27:21] So I know for me and my husband, and I will say I, I'm the one who framed this value, but like he is on board with it, it's like being connected to our kids. It's just so important like that. And so, even like when people talk about respect, that comes up a lot, Lindsay, by the way.

[00:27:57] Lindsay: I think I was more upset about it than she was, to be honest., There was a weird sound, and I got nervous 'cause it looked like a weird fall. But she was like, I, and she honestly, she was just grateful to be in his room. Do you know what I mean?

[00:28:10] Lindsay: So it's like a lot of stuff going on there. But yeah,

[00:28:30] Like to know they're not gonna get pushed. So it's like, what can we, how can we like brainstorm this so that you either don't have your stuff, or your stuff is more protected so she doesn't grab it, or you don't get as overwhelmed, you know? And nothing's gonna go perfectly. But at least for us, that's like. Been really a good value to lean into.

[00:29:00] Like, and that, to me at least, but tell me your opinion, like that feels so much easier than like, it's gonna rot your brain. You're making a bad decision, you're addicted. Oh my gosh. Kids do not wanna be told. I have been, I've gotten feedback, Lindsay, from my children that they do not wanna be told that they're addicted to their screens.

[00:29:47] It's not so confusing, right? Because it's always like linked back.

[00:30:08] But then there are times that I've, you know, I'll teeter and be like, oh, but Fridays, I don't know, it's, there are so many options out there for what you do that. I think it's a lot easier if you have an expert be like, here's what you do, here's when, no screens. Yes screens. But I love, and I just wanna share that, like today on your Instagram, it's five tech check-ins with your middle schooler that need to happen this week.

[00:30:49] But it, that's such a fair point. I mean, they're using it, you know, with their Chromebooks, what have you at school, and. A lot. Look, we're in very different situations. Everyone has very different scenarios, and that's just the way it is. There are some kids who already have phones. There are some that don't.

[00:31:25] But certainly, understandably, there are already families that are in it that have made decisions, because of older kids. And so the point being, the children are all exposed to a bunch of different things, and their friends all have different varying degrees of access to tech. So. What is your biggest takeaway from tech and middle schoolers?

[00:32:04] I mean, it's very different from when you and I went to school. Yeah. So I'm like, Hey, you just take a screenshot. And, so I think even if parents wanted to have less tech, it's limited in what they can do. So I don't give an opinion on whether you should give your kid a phone or not. And frankly, I'm not super taken with the movements to, I'm no super excited about the movements to like, delay phones.

[00:32:53] I think what's effective is knowing your kid, anchoring rules in your family values, and I hope that parents can breathe a sigh of relief and also like getting it wrong sometimes and course correcting. So, so for me with tech, okay, so I have my fourth middle schooler, and I haven't really said this anywhere else, but I'll just say it here.

[00:33:30] Right? So we got her phone, my, my son, and bless his heart, like, it's phones are expensive. And I'm like, dude, I think you might lose it. Like, like we, we don't really talk about how expensive phones are, and we're just like having that, right around. But that's kind of a as, much as it is with him.

[00:34:03] Like my kids, when stuff gets hard, I told you I have some teenage girls, so unfortunately, it's been harder with them sometimes with social things and group chats and stuff like that. They do come to me and my husband, they do tell us what's going on, and that is what's important. And so I think it's like, yes, if you don't have the relationship with your kid where they.

[00:34:41] Like anything that these kids really care about how we perceive them, right? So it's like anything that sounds like, I don't trust you and blah, blah, blah, that's not so much. But if it's more about like, almost like as a parent, like I don't know if we've kind of laid the foundation for me to let you have this device that lets you, you know, kind of like anywhere online at any time.

[00:35:19] Which is, like, people, kiddos with a DHD. Get their feelings hurt a lot more, or they feel more ostracized if they're not part of a crowd. So, I mean, that can come into play, too, Lindsay. Like, that's why I'm like, I can't, like, I don't think it helps parents to pretend like there's a magic solution of just delaying the phone, but I know people will disagree with me, and that's okay.

[00:35:42] Lindsay: Well, it's, how, do you think that relates to tech? Getting the kids to want to check in with you, to want to come to you?

[00:36:01] So with my son, the biggest thing I've worried about is pornography. I've read about like the, yeah. Boys. I think age nine is typically when they're exposed to pornography. So I mean, I can't say like for sure that online means like, whether it's, yeah. Usually, maybe through friends, my older brothers, or friends, things like that.

[00:36:38] Like, so I will just be very blunt and again, sometimes I feel really silly in the way I'm asking it. Likely, my middle schoolers are not super excited for me to be like, Hey, have you seen people having sex online? Right? Like we, but at least in our family, we talk about that and we talk about like. You know, you're kind of the target, like as a young boy.

[00:37:18] Is there anything that feels kind of off? Like, 'cause sometimes kids,, too, they're not always like judging what they see. Likewise, we would be like, That is not appropriate. But for them, they're just like, right, I just feel a little weird seeing this. And it's like, yeah, like, I'd love to know more about that.

[00:37:35] Bridget: Lindsay, did I just dance around your question? I'm so sorry.

[00:37:58] If they have access. It's sort of like making sure that you are connecting with them about what it is that they might or might not be seeing. Right.

[00:38:20] And I do find that the more your kid knows they can come to you and that tech is not gonna be a fight, the less they're gonna sneak the phone because, like, lying and sneaking things tends to be because they wanna avoid a fight with their parents. And I think as parents we're like, oh, 'cause they don't wanna get in trouble.

[00:39:00] Or like, I did sneak, I snuck the phone last night 'cause I was like, there's a group chat and it kept going and blah, bla,h blah. And it's like, you know, I don't know that we would institute a consequence for that, but it's like it. Thank you for telling me. Yes. Okay. Let's figure this out. Yeah.

[00:39:15] The group chat. The group chat? Because for kids, I think for kids that don't have phones, one of the arguments is like, but I am, or, you know, or access to getting on a group chat. I suspect that it probably feels devastating to them not to be able to be in that conversation with their friends because a handful of friends are in there.

[00:39:45] Bridget: So I don't think that we could ever say we're hurting. You're like, a parent is hurting a kid by not giving them that access to the group chat.

[00:40:13] Lindsay: I may have wrapped myself around a cord once or twice, you know, in the kitchen. I,

[00:40:39] I totally see what people are saying. Like, when? We were going to school, we could go home and pretty much leave it behind, pretty much leave school behind. I mean, we did have phones and like courted phones and stuff. Yeah. But like these kids are coming home, and they're still being bombarded with messages.

[00:41:13] And even before, you said you have a daughter, what grade is she in?

[00:41:27] Bridget: Yeah. It can feel really tricky. So this, so I'm just gonna say one, yeah.

[00:41:53] Like, I just don't think that in my experience, that has not been effective. Both what I see in my clinical practice, what I see in my family, and what I see among my community. Yeah. Like the parents who are kind of just like, let the kids figure it out. That tends to really, I'm gonna say, favor the bully, like a more bullying personality.

[00:42:36] Middle schoolers need their parents to talk to them about relationships, what to do if their feelings are hurt, how you might sometimes say mean things to people, and how you can repair, like, all of these things. And so,

[00:42:56] Bridget: Yeah. Well, I think I would start probably with some unexpected things too, which is like, we are all mean, sometimes we are all insecure, sometimes, and maybe insecure wouldn't be quite the word to use with a young person, but starting to help them understand that. Friendships are supposed to feel good, but they don't always feel good.

[00:43:40] Like, how can you kind of blame your parents? Or like, my mom's not letting me be on this. And it's, to me, it's a very tactical thing with my kiddos to talk about, like, what is your level? Like, how is this affecting you? Like how does this feel? And some of my kids are more sensitive to relational dynamics than others.

[00:44:15] They're mean to each other sometimes. Like, yeah. And so let's just talk about what it's like to be a human in this world, and like have relationships with people and help them figure that out. But so I would say, yeah, like start with unexpected things like that. Like, or even like a time I've been mean to someone.

[00:44:49] And most kids, especially around middle school, will likely understand that, 'cause parents can be a real hassle sometimes. So they'll be like, oh, like they'll give your kid a pass. Yourr kid doesn't need to stand up to like every bit of pressure. Because like all day long, they're, I don't know, especially in middle school, like finding different classes.

[00:45:21] Lindsay: Do you feel like there's, you know, advice to share with them if there's a situation that they say there's something that's being talked about on a bus that, that is not, that does not align with your family values, but maybe your child is involved in that conversation, becomes involved in that conversation.

[00:45:55] Bridget: Absolutely. Well, and I think it's gonna be different for different kids because some kids are just a bit quieter, and that's when you can help them have tools to either like, change their seat, they could be like, oh, this is getting weird.

[00:46:26] And I think most of us aspire for our kids to, to stand up in that way. But we need to be realistic. Like, so we can even like, say our kids, like Yeah. Like, sometimes I feel scared to speak up too. Like, what would that look like for you? It's saying no to their friends. Yeah. Right. It's like that.

[00:47:04] And so for me, like the social cost of standing up is not as high as it can be for our middle schoolers. But also again, Lindsay, like leaning into how much we like these kids, how we're always there for them when things are hard. That does make them a little braver out in the world, 'cause they do know, no matter what, they're coming home to someone who understands them and really likes them and kind of gives them the benefit of the doubt.

[00:47:46] Or something like that. Right? Like, it's just like something that disrupts the conversation. Yeah. It can be helpful in those kinds of moments, 'cause it's like you don't have to engage or agree. But it's nice if you can have some phrases that kind of take you, or I'm gonna need to think about that.

[00:48:05] Lindsay: That's actually, I really like that. That’s real practical advice. It's like if you envision this kind of box, one of the things is you know, that you can blame your parents, you can blame your mom. That, and then also those phrases that are like, it's not a yes, it's not a no.

[00:48:21] Bridget: Yeah. Well, and it's the same with tech. People are like, Oh, I just tell my kid not to do that. And I mean, I trust my kids, but I'm also like, don't provide them with any tools. Like that's what these conversations are. Yeah, 'cause we're all human. And so that's why I guess what has steady Plus connected parenting really brought to me is I just am not that scared as a parent anymore.

[00:49:07] I, I am like, we'll just deal with like he has parents who love him, who welcome that kind of conversation. And then like, we wouldn't want him to repeatedly be exposed to it at this age. So we'll talk about that, and it'll open up discussions into like sexuality and things like that. But I'm like, for a lot of things, like I'm just not, yeah, that scared or like vaping is a thing for me that I really don't want my kids to engage in.

[00:49:50] And that again, like, if we're lucky, life is long. And so we've got a lot of runway, and what happens to our kids today? It's not their story forever. Like it's, I don't know, it's just, so if they're, if they have a home where they can come and feel safe and like people like them and they can talk to people, like, that's so protective.

[00:50:19] Lindsay: if there are people that are hearing your thoughts and are sort of starting from scratch and say, okay, I hear this, I really wanna do this, how would you suggest that they start, just with the notion of trying to get the kids to want to be open with them, you know, want to be comfortable coming to you while also like helping them, you know, maintaining the discipline when you need to, but that comfort scenario.

[00:50:54] Bridget: Yeah. I love that, Lindsay, and I think that's the question you asked before, and I totally pivoted from it.

[00:51:02] Bridget: Absolutely yes.

[00:51:05] Bridget: Well, and sometimes. Sometimes, I don't like foto rget, but again, like I'm raising my fourth middle schooler right now. Yeah. Like trying to, I'm thinking about what it was like, and that's why I developed this because I kinda like reverse engineering. Yeah. Because I'm very close. My oldest is in college now.

[00:51:34] Lindsay: The bumps in the road, whatever it is. Yeah.

[00:51:38] And so, but yeah, if someone's starting from scratch, 'cause I know that there's probably parents listening who are like, I really don't have a great relationship with my kid right now. And I totally,

[00:51:56] Bridget: Like things are shifting and changing, so yeah. So your listeners will have to forgive me, but I'm gonna say you just really need to figure out how you are feeling in this season. Like, yeah, what is coming up for you? And you can write it down. I'm not a big journaler, but sometimes it helps to write it down, just be really honest with yourself, and then meaning,

[00:52:32] Bridget: Yeah. I would say I'm, yes. Like, things, like, I'm feeling really scared. Like I said, I really worried about pornography a lot. Like I'm afraid he's gonna like. Like, watch pornography and like, not care about women's rights. Like, I don't even know. Like, okay. I feel kind of dumb around them 'cause they're so cool and I don't understand.

[00:53:09] I don't wanna be reading their group chat.

[00:53:24] And I will say what that is, if I get a certain amount of emails from the same thread that come through, I feel so buried sometimes, and I'm like, I don't even know where to start. Where was the beginning? I miss this. Likewise, I have a fear and an anxiety around missing stuff because you've got so much that you're kind of trying to wrangle in so well,

[00:53:48] Lindsay: I want everyone to like me, Bridget.

[00:53:52] Bridget: You are very like, Lindsay, and

[00:53:55] Bridget: You're very likable, Lindsay, so I think you're probably succeeding.

[00:54:11] Parent, like my son, my daughter too, like, but with my son, I'll tell you, if on occasion I'm with him after school, if I'm picking him up, I will find myself thinking, okay, I know what I really wanna do is be like, tell me everything about your day. How was your day? I know that's not gonna get the response I want.

[00:54:43] Bridget: It. No, ask like, like are there like.

[00:55:02] running an errand, like going to get groceries or something like that. Like, just see if they want to come. And that's a great time to talk, and I find that the silly questions are really useful. So, even if this song, if there was like a song that represented today, what would it be?

[00:55:36] So, you know, even that kind of stuff, it can seem more surface in a way. But it's also like, as you know, I guess, as a sports reporter, like there are so many values and important life lessons that come up in sports. So I think even finding those kinds of moments where it doesn't have to be like a direct question about.

[00:56:04] Lindsay: I'm just processing, I'm just, I'm thinking in the moment as you're saying this. I love that,, and I think so, and real quick to go back to the part about the tech, you don't think there's any magic solution.

[00:56:32] Bridget: Yes. Yes.

[00:56:50] Lindsay: He goes to bed before my kids a lot.

[00:56:52] Bridget: Yeah. So like, there might, like, gosh, I'm not gonna tell you how to run tech in your family, right? I mean, you know, I can give you helpful suggestions, but also like some people have, like both parents helping get kids ready in the morning. I think you're probably doing most of it by yourself.

[00:57:21] But what is so detrimental, though, is if you, as the parent, are like. I am screwing this up. I'm not doing this right. Like, if you're judging yourself instead of being really compassionate with yourself, Lindsay, which, and by the way, I'm just like making all this up, but it's like, if I think about you as a person who's getting kids ready on their own, give yourself a lot of compassion.

[00:57:55] So

[00:58:11] Bridget: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm so glad that he's asking. Yes, I know. How cool is that?

[00:58:43] So I don't know if they've gotten their periods yet, but I think that would be a really great place to start. So it's not surprising. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. Like you could approach them and ask if they have any questions about that. I'm sure if they're in middle school, they have heard about that.

[00:59:17] And they might be like, ah, dad. But it's like, oh my gosh. Like, that's so lovely, Lindsay. Right? Like, if you think about it, imagine a dad coming in and being like, Hey, like I just wanna be here for you. And I know my husband took our kids camping a lot, nd so he would go like father-daughter camping.

[00:59:55] Like, it's not, but I was gonna say, dad needs to go first and be like, Hey, like, just so you know, like this is really, it's like whatever happens is normal. I don't want you to think that you always have to go to Mom. She's great, but like, what can I do here? And I love it because I feel like with dads you can be like.

[01:00:22] Lindsay: Yeah. It's funny because my dad always did our grocery shopping because of his schedule.

[01:00:44] Yeah, I think it's really cool and important and helpful if you have the opportunity to have that and have a dad be involved in that way.

[01:00:54] Lindsay: One more question

[01:00:55] Lindsay: Yes. The other question was, and we've talked about this basically, but how to get kids to open up and share feelings with you so that you know when something is actually going on, and you've covered that, but if you wanna, you know..

[01:01:08] So I think that this, again, is gonna be a breadcrumb type thing, and I would start with talking about the more unexpected feelings that might come up. And so it doesn't mean you need to directly ask them like, Hey, have you ever felt left out in a group like that can feel really pointed, and it's really pretty tender for our kids.

[01:01:52] And so that is like, this is interesting, Lindsay, right? Because often, like parents, we can feel like they criticize us, but they're almost like criticizing us to see if it's okay to be different, right? Because the kids, these, our kids are different than us. So when they can't quite meet the same standard, like maybe like, I'm really good at math, I'm medium, but like say I'm really good at math and one of my kids is not good at math, and then they're like.

[01:02:35] Like it is not easy. Like our days are not easy. But to our kids, they're like, not that, they're like, oh, moms have, my mom has an easy life. But they're like, how do they do all that? Like, I don't know. And like here, I have all these feelings and my mom has it all figured out. So I think there's just something really helpful.

[01:03:11] More they'll share. So I'm thinking if we wanna like wrap it up and talk about your son with the push. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And he was mad at himself, and so I think that's such a ripe opportunity. I mean, you don't, you know, you'll have other opportunities too to just be like, that's, like,, really normal people are really frustrating sometimes.

[01:03:47] We're just gonna help you figure this out. And that just is like, I think helping them relax at home in that way and a calming thing. Yeah. And then if we do get upset, and this is like a repair that, we're like, Hey buddy. Like I saw, I really reacted in a way that was bigger than I wanted it to be. This morning, I was stressed.

[01:04:20] But like, just kind of like snappy with her. I mean, she has her own part in it 'cause she should have been more ready. But anyways, like, so in the car we were like a little like kind of snippy quiet with each other. Yeah. Like snippy with each other. And then I was like, for a second, I was just like, ugh, like I'm excited to meet Lindsay.

[01:04:54] And she was like, yeah, like I just felt you've thought like I was irresponsible, but like I really was getting ready, you know, and that opened it up, right? Like,

[01:05:20] Oh, 'cause universally, yeah. That is, you're asking someone to describe your experience. Yeah. And that is the most connecting question, I think, that anyone can ask. And so it makes sense that it's not just in sports, but it is in life, and it's with our kids. Bridget, what is the thing that no one tells you about being a middle school parent?

[01:06:01] And it's almost, you know, when we look at attachment science, it feels like an emergency to them when they are not connected with us. And so, gosh, like what an opportunity we have here. I just look at the middle school years, and I see so much opportunity, and that's the message that I want to get across.

[01:06:40] And I think that might be the reason that parents are like, yes, this is like a safe place to land. 'cause I really am, I, often say this, Lindsay, like, I'm like, I say to my parents like, that I coach and stuff, I'm like, I'm not worried about your kids. I'm worried. Like, I know they're really well taken care of.

[01:07:16] Lindsay: I love that. Can you tell me how much traction you get? Can you just gimme real quick? Like, what, how, what happened? What did you see when you started sharing socially? Yeah.

[01:07:40] So, how many months is that? Not very many.

[01:07:47] Bridget: Yeah. Well, and I was, I did, I started, and I really like, figured out the ways that I was different than other parenting advice out there. And then I love focusing just on these middle school years.

[01:08:16] But she was like, my daughter, I've been using, you know, some of this language. And my daughter came to me the other day and was like, I feel like we're back to being us. Mom and Anand were like Oh my gosh. That was, just like the be and she goes, Bridget, I know it was 'cause of your page. And I was like, oh my gosh.

[01:08:51] If you can be really kind to yourself as a parent, then you know, you can have like everything you've ever wanted in a relationship with your kid. So there you go. That's what no one tells you. You can have anything you've ever wanted.

[01:09:09] It's just finding the times when you can connect with your child, right? I think that's. Yeah.

[01:09:19] Lindsay: Thank you.

[01:09:24] Lindsay: That would be awesome. So now, I will be putting myself into a little therapy session to figure out what I am bringing to the table when it comes to relating to my son.

[01:09:52] Before I go, I wanna give you a little levity. Maybe you two are dealing with sports in your house. Basketball's one of our favorites, so here you go. Why did the chicken run onto the basketball court? I.

[01:10:26] Alright, I'm Lindsay. Thanks so much. See you next time. Thanks so much for joining me. I can't wait to see you back here next week. Please don't forget, follow, and subscribe to Things No One Tells You. And of course, if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, don't forget to leave a five-star review because that's really what helps people get more.