What if the boundary you keep struggling to hold has less to do with the other person and more to do with whether you can trust your own yes and no?

Kimm unpacks making boundaries, people pleasing, guilt, and resentment, showing that a boundary is not a punishment or a way to control someone else, it is simply the honest communication of what you are willing to participate in. She walks through why saying no feels so much harder than it should, how repeated negotiating quietly teaches people that your first no is not final, and why resentment is often a sign that a boundary was never actually spoken out loud. Kimm also shares a personal story about setting a hard boundary with a family member, and offers a simple phrase anyone can borrow to buy themselves time before answering a request.

This episode is an invitation to notice your automatic yeses, listen to what your body already knows, and practice becoming someone you can trust. Healthy boundaries were never about shutting people out, they are about staying connected without abandoning yourself.

Boundaries

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And now you're doing the exact thing you said no to three conversations ago. Today, we're talking about boundaries, but probably not in the way that you've heard them talked about before, because boundaries aren't just about learning how to say no. They're about learning to mean what you say. Letting your yes mean yes, letting your no mean no, and learning how to tolerate the fact that sometimes people aren't going to like either answer.

Protect your boundaries. Set your boundaries. The person violated my boundary. But what actually is one? And at its simplest, a healthy boundary, helps define what belongs to me and what belongs to you. My feelings are mine. Your feelings are yours. My time is mine. My body is mine. My energy is mine.

My choices are mine. And I'm responsible for communicating those things respectfully, and I'm not responsible for controlling how everyone feels about them. And that's when things get a little bit complicated, because a lot of us were never actually taught how to have boundaries. We were taught to be nice, don't disappoint anyone, don't be difficult, help people, keep the peace, be a good daughter, be a good wife, be a good mother, be a good friend, be a team player.

But really, they just communicate what you're willing or unwilling to participate in. when someone crosses a line and does something that you know is inappropriate or wrong, and I'm not talking about like in a sexual way or anything like that's a whole nother can of worms for a whole nother day.

I'm talking about like in your life. someone goes over you and talks to someone about you that you absolutely did not want, someone to have a conversation with about you. someone maybe you're no longer talking to and then you find out you're a topic of conversation.

Well, now that person who shared that information is no longer gonna have access to you because they're literally just a conduit to let other people know how you're doing that you're trying to hold healthy boundaries with. healthy boundaries allow relationships to exist without requiring us to abandon ourselves.

Kimberly: and that's okay. You know- People will always have a problem if you set a boundary to help yourself Because they'll take it as an offense. But you know what? That's not your problem. it's just not. And there's ways to say these things, right? Instead of saying, "Hey, you need to stop yelling at me," you can say, " I'm not gonna continue this conversation while we're yelling.

Because saying no can trigger something much bigger than the actual request. We start anticipating someone else's reaction. Will she be mad at me? Will they think I'm selfish? Will they stop inviting me? Will my family talk about me? Will my boss think I'm not committed? Will my kids think I don't care?

Sometimes we're so afraid of saying no because we're afraid of what we think the no might cost us. And what does that even look like? is it gonna cost us acceptance, approval, connection, belonging, our peace And I am a huge advocate of protecting your peace at all costs

Sometimes it's learning that someone else's disappointment is survivable. You can be kind and still disappoint someone. You can love someone and still tell them no And letting your no mean no. And it's not willing to be changed because... So as per the example earlier, three conversations before, you're like, "No.

Well, maybe. All right, fine." You know? And inside you're, you're writhing, and it's not good for you. you have to take your own responsibility because sometimes we complain, "No one respects my boundaries," but we're completely, if we're being truthful, do we even respect our own boundaries? Someone asks us for something, we say, "No, I can't."

It's the beginning of negotiation. If someone learns that asking three times changes your answer, they're probably going to keep asking three times. That doesn't automatically make them some horrible, manipulative person. Sometimes it's simply the relationship pattern we've participated in creating.

There's a huge distinction. A boundary without follow-through is often just a request You don't have to become cold. You don't have to become mean. You don't need a 12-minute explanation. Sometimes, "No, I can't do that," should be enough. And if they don't like it, that's their problem, unfortunately. It's not your problem

think about it. Have you ever, agreed just to do something and then spent, three days irritated to death that you had to do it? You said yes, but inside you were thinking, " Why does everyone always ask me? Why am I always the one doing everything? Why doesn't anyone think about my time?"

I'm giving more than I genuinely have available to give. And that doesn't mean every resentment is our responsibility. People absolutely can disrespect clear communicated limits, but sometimes the person we're angry with had no idea there even was a boundary because you never told them. And this is the piece of boundary conversations I think that gets overlooked.

A healthy yes doesn't mean something costs you nothing Sometimes we willingly inconvenience ourselves for people we love

That's part of relationships. A healthy yes means I understand what this will require of me and I'm choosing it. And he has a boundary phrase I want everybody out there who's listening to practice. Let me think about it and get back to you You don't have to answer immediately.

There's something about the pregnant pause. Some of us need to stop answering before we've checked in with ourselves, before we've calculated how we're really actually gonna feel about it. Give yourself a minute, look at your schedule, think about your energy, talk to your partner and see if it affects them or your family, and ask yourself, "Do I actually wanna say yes to this?"

Then answer, and once you say yes, own your yes

"What is happening?" And finally, I had to put my foot down and say, "You know what? My no is no." And to make that very clear, because you're angry now that I just gave you a no, you're gonna come reciprocate at me with a bunch of not nice words, and that I'm a not nice person, and all these things. And you know what?

I actually don't have to listen to it. So here's my boundary. I'm cutting off almost all communication, and we're just not going to speak anymore because you in my life

Well, you know what? I don't have to listen to that kind of talk anymore. I don't need to listen to you. So I protect my peace, I protect my heart, I put up a boundary, and people will come at me and say, " So-and-so is doing so much better now. He's doing so much better. You should maybe talk to him." And I'm like, "Nope, I won't."

I love this person. I will love him till I'm dead, but it doesn't mean that I have to allow them in my space because once you give an inch, they'll take a mile, and then it's you're starting back at square one and you're having the same conversation over and over and over and over again, and I'm just n- I'm done and I'm just not gonna do it.

Here's something important everyone should know. Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt comes because we violated our own values, and sometimes what we're experiencing is discomfort because we behave differently than we are accustomed to behaving.

You don't have to immediately make uncomfortable feelings disappear. Sometimes you can simply sit with, " They're disappointed. I don't like that they're disappointed, and my answer is still no." People, that's growth. It's growth. It's letting your no be no. And sometimes they have to walk through disappointment and have to learn how to deal with that, and that's not your responsibility

Your adult child says, "We're gonna do Christmas morning at our house this year." Do you respect it or immediately start making them feel guilty? Your friend says, "I don't really wanna talk about that." Do you stop asking them? If we want people to respect our no without demanding explanations, we have to respect theirs.

Sometimes someone else's boundary isn't automatically rejection. Sometimes their no has absolutely nothing to do with us

Think about it. How do I respond when someone tells me no? The answer might actually teach you as much about boundaries as learning to set your own there's other sides to this. Boundaries shouldn't come, as an excuse to shut people out. there is a difference between protecting yourself and your heart and also just never allowing anyone close enough to inconvenience you.

A boundary says, "Hey, here's how we can have a healthy relationship." A wall says, "No one gets close enough to hurt me." There is a difference, and people who have been hurt a lot in relationships, whether that be a romantic relationship or family relationships, friend relationships, it's sometimes hard to get them to distinguish the difference between, know, a boundary and a wall.

Because we can become little jagged little pills. We don't want people in our space. We will protect our heart at all costs. But I highly encourage you not to build walls, but to build boundaries

So, this week just pay attention to your automatic yeses. Before answering a request, notice what happens inside of you, right? Do you get all twisted up in your gut when someone asks you to do something and you know you really don't wanna do it? Pay attention to the energy in your body. Pay attention to your body.

Kimberly: when your stomach does a weird little flip or all of a sudden you feel like you're clenching in your teeth or the masseter muscle in your face just turn rock hard because you're clenching so hard because you're like, "Yes," and you didn't mean to say yes, but you said yes anyway, just remember

respect your body and listen to it. listen to it before answering. Notice what happens inside of you. Do you immediately feel the pressure? Do you start thinking about how they'll react? Do you wanna say no, but you hear yourself saying yes? And notice where resentment keeps appearing.

Ask, "Is there a boundary trying to tell me something here?"

You can, but you shouldn't have to. You can just say, "I'm not available. I can't take that on right now. That doesn't work for me." And my favorite, "Let me think about it and get back to you." Release the belief that you need to make someone completely understand your decision before you v- you're allowed to make it.

And become trustworthy to yourself. Practice letting your yes be yes, practice letting your no be no, and practice respecting someone else's answer when they give it to you. Because healthy boundaries aren't just about teaching other people how to treat us, they're also about learning to trust ourselves.

When I say no, I know I'll honor it. When I say yes, I know I've chosen it. And when someone else tells me no, I can respect their no too

They're about honesty. They're about understanding when you end and another person begins. They're about loving people without constantly abandoning yourself in the process. So this week, I want you to pay attention to your yes, pay attention to your no, pay attention to the moments when your mouth says one thing while everything inside of you is saying another, and maybe practice one s- simple sentence.

Everybody, this week is just gonna be, " Let me think about that, and I'll get back to you." Give yourself enough space to decide what you actually mean. Then let your yes mean yes, let your no mean no, and give the people you love permission to do the same. Because the people who love you don't have to love every boundary you set, but healthy love learns how to respect where you end and another person begins.