Transformation is the central theme of our discussion today, and it's one that resonates deeply within our relationships, especially in the context of marriage and family life. We dive into the paradox that, despite an abundance of information on how to foster healthy connections, relationships continue to experience breakdowns—often predictably so. This leads us to ponder whether the issue lies not in a lack of knowledge, but rather in the foundation upon which our understanding is built. By examining the dynamics between husbands and wives, we highlight the need for a shift from a self-centered mindset to one rooted in Christ, which encourages selflessness and genuine connection. Join us as we explore how embracing this transformative approach can lead to lasting change and healthier, more fulfilling relationships, all while navigating the ups and downs of everyday life. Diving deeper into the realm of relational dynamics, we explore the concept of 'carnal mind' versus 'spiritual mindset.' This distinction is crucial as it underscores how our thought processes shape our interactions with others, particularly within the family unit. We discuss how a carnal mindset, which tends to focus on personal grievances and a sense of fairness, often leads to negotiation-based relationships—where love becomes transactional rather than unconditional. The episode highlights the need for a paradigm shift, urging listeners to adopt a spiritual mindset that transcends personal feelings and reactions. This involves a commitment to serve others first, echoing the message of Christ who exemplified true servanthood. We dissect practical examples of how this can manifest in everyday life, encouraging listeners to initiate acts of love and kindness without waiting for reciprocation. By doing so, we aim to cultivate an environment where relationships can thrive, built on the foundation of mutual respect and unconditional love.

Takeaways:

• Understanding that relationships often break down due to a focus on personal needs and expectations is crucial for healthier connections.
• A spiritual mindset prioritizes Christ as the foundation of relationships, rather than individual feelings or fairness.
• True transformation in relationships requires self-denial and a commitment to serve others, reflecting Christ's example of servanthood.
• The importance of initiating love and support in relationships, regardless of the other's behavior, leads to genuine connection and unity.

And good day to you.

Thanks so much for your interest in these matters, spiritual matters.

We've been talking about transformation.

That's the bigger picture.

It's an exciting study.

It really represents what God's people should be about.

It's being that spiritual person and having the mindset of the spirit rather than being carnally minded.

We've chosen to look at how that's applied in the sense of looking at examples in the home life and particularly in the husband and wife.

Though not just the husband and wife, because it seems that in the family, that's where these things play out the most and where they're seen the easiest.

It's where men and women both are challenged the most, where we are put to the test.

You can't hide these matters very easily in the home because you eventually see a person for what they really are.

In fact, we see others perhaps better than we do ourselves.

We have a harder time examining ourselves to see whether we're living as we should.

I like to begin by asking you just something very simple, but I want you to think about it very carefully now.

Don't answer it too quickly.

Why do you suppose relationships break down?

Well, not just occasionally, not just in extreme situations, but consistently, almost predictably, across every level of life.

Marriages that begin with sincerity and hope can gradually grow cold.

And we noticed in other relationships, friendships that were once easy and natural can become strained and distant and could also disappear altogether.

Families that once felt close begin to fracture under tensions.

And what makes this even more striking is that we live in a time where people are not only lacking.

I mean, relationships are breaking down, but they're not lacking information.

We're surrounded by information.

I can remember a time when I needed some answers and needed help.

Didn't know who to turn to or where to go.

And you go to the Internet, well, you get all kinds of answers for that.

But today in our world, we get all kinds of valuable information.

I mean, there's YouTube information, there's AI there's a host of books that are available online.

Now, that doesn't mean that these things are valuable altogether or that it's even good information.

My point is simply that we are surrounded by teaching on every hand.

We have access to more teaching on relationships than any generation ever before us.

There are books and communications, a lot of talk about how to communicate conflict resolutions, strategies for that, and how systems are studied for emotional awareness, frameworks for understanding personality and behavior.

A person can spend years learning how relationships are supposed to work.

My point is they still break down the breakdown still continues despite the information.

So that forces us to step back and ask a deeper question.

What if the issue is not the lack of knowledge?

What if it has nothing to do with the information?

What if the issue is the foundation that knowledge is built upon?

Because if the foundation is wrong, then even correct ideas will not produce lasting results.

You can improve behavior, even temporarily.

You can create moments of clarity, and you can even restore a sense of hope for a time.

But the question is, will they hold?

Will they endure long term?

Because the structure is resting on something unstable.

It may not be very.

It'll just be temporary.

It won't last long.

So if you trace most modern thinking about relationships, go back to its basic root, you'll find out that it begins in a very specific place.

It begins with each individual.

It begins with personal needs, personal expectations, and personal fulfillment.

And so, quietly, sometimes even without realizing it, the central question becomes, am I getting what I need out of this relationship?

That's how a person is thinking.

Now, that's the carnal mind.

I want to keep driving that point home as we come to it and as we illustrate things, that you realize where the root problem is.

Now, that question may not be spoken out loud, but it's present in how people think and how they evaluate, how they respond.

And once that becomes the starting point, that everything else begins to organize itself around that.

Every interaction becomes something to measure and every disappointment becomes something to interpret.

You know, what did they mean by that?

How'd that make me feel?

What were they, some hidden meaning?

Every unmet expectation becomes something to justify.

You have to justify the frustration, the withdrawal, justify protecting yourself.

But if two people are both operating from that same center, how they feel, then the relationship is no longer built on unity.

It's no longer built on the oneness that a marriage should be.

It's built on negotiation.

You see, you give a little, I give a little.

This is a partnership.

It's 50, 50, you know, it's, you meet my needs and I'll respond to yours.

You treat me good and I'll treat you good.

And as long as that exchange is balanced, or at least the feeling is balanced, the relationship appears somewhat stable.

But the moment it shifts, then there's tension.

The moment someone feels like they're being taken advantage of, things begin to change.

Because now each person begins to ask, why should I continue to give if I'm not receiving anything?

And slowly, almost imperceptibly at first, both of them begin to pull back and withdraw.

And it's not done in Necessarily dramatic ways.

They're trying to again, negotiate.

They don't always verbally negotiate, but they're trying to say, you want to play that game, I'll play that game too and see how you feel about it.

And it's done in small ways.

It's not, like I said, it's not sometimes very subtle.

A little less effort, a little less patience, perhaps a little less willingness to engage, to ask questions, to have conversation.

And over time, those small withdrawals, the withdrawals accumulate and until what once felt alive begins to feel somewhat strained and eventually it begins to feel, they begin to feel empty.

Now here's the problem.

That entire pattern that I've just tried to outline feels reasonable to a carnal minded person because it feels fair, it feels justified.

And that's exactly why it's so dangerous, because it's built on a foundation that Scripture never establishes.

The Bible does not begin with the individual feelings and, and what's fair, it begins with Christ, you see, and that's where everything changes.

Once we deny ourselves, we crucify the old man.

Romans 6 teaches this.

You bury that old man.

That is to say, you bury the hatchet, you put that behind, he no longer lives, he's dead.

And that I think is description of repentance.

And it's true, as Paul goes on to say, he that is dead is freed from sin.

That is true, he's dead, he's freed from sin.

But you see, you have to continue that metaphor and understand that while he's dead, in that particular construct, there those verses, he's not alive until he's resurrected.

So he dies to sin, crucifies the old man, buries it with the understanding that if we've been buried with him, we shall also be raised together with him.

And so there is a new life that's expected, but it takes place once we kill the old man.

So that relationship, once that's established, that starts with Christ, that's where everything begins to change.

So when Paul writes in Ephesians 5, 21, for example, we've been looking at this for a while, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

And that phrase out of reverence for Christ, that's not secondary, that is the central point.

It means that the way I live toward another person is not ultimately determined by them.

It's not determined by whether they are deserving of my attention or anything of the kind.

It's central.

It means that's the way I live toward another person.

It's not ultimately determined by them.

It's Determined by Christ.

It's not determined by their tone.

You know, you hear a person's tone and you think, hmm, well, let's see if you get anything out of me with that kind of tone.

That's how we naturally, the carnal mind reacts that way.

It's not determined by their consistency.

It's not determined by their effort and how hard they work.

It's determined by Christ.

You see, Jesus, he didn't ask us whether he wanted us to die, wanted him to die for us.

He didn't determine whether we were deserving of it, even certainly wasn't a measure of how good we were.

So I want you to let that settle in because that's where the shift begins.

And if my response in a relationship is rooted in Christ, then it can't be dependent on the other person's behavior.

I mean, nothing that they can do will determine how I treat them.

And that's true whether it's your enemy or whether it's your wife or whether it's your husband.

So, and that means that, you know, obedience is no longer conditional.

This is where the resistance arises.

Everything in us wants to say, but that's not fair.

God wants me to be happy, and it's all focused on me.

And I'm convinced that people who are well, who get depressed easily, who don't have a good self image, we think that they need something that gives them a boost, that encourages them to make them have a sense of value.

And the real problem, the central problem in most cases, and I think I don't have any doubts about this issue, I've studied it for years, is that they need to think differently about others and themselves.

And if you would really focus your attention on how you can help others and how you can serve others, that's the times you'll be the most happiest.

Those are the moments that you'll be the most contented.

But when you're thinking about yourself and your rights and what's fair for you, then there's going to be problems.

You see, you're looking at how things should be 50, 50 in a marriage.

You know, what about reciprocity?

What about being treated right?

And I'm not gonna.

I should stand up for myself.

And the world tells us this, we buy into it, and that's a devil's lie.

But the moment obedience becomes dependent on fairness, then it's no longer obedience, it's negotiation.

I hope you see this, because negotiation will never produce transformation.

Paul moves from that foundation into specific relationships, and he begins to Define roles.

Not to restrict, but to bring order.

He says, wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

That's the central.

That's the major point.

I want you to see that.

He says, husbands, love your wives.

Just as Christ loved the Ecclesia and gave himself for her.

That's the called out body of Christ.

That's the people of God.

So husbands, love your wives like he did.

And again, notice what's missing.

There are no conditions.

There's no clause that says if the other person does their part.

The standard is not the other person.

The standard is Jesus Christ.

Now, this is where we must slow down here, because this is where understanding has to turn into conviction.

You're going to have to think about how this applies to you.

When Scripture calls a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the called out, it is not describing a general attitude.

It's defining a way of life, a pattern, if you please.

I'm all about patterns.

I believe there's so many patterns because it has to do with creating a change in the way we think.

Christ's love was not reactive.

It was active.

It was initiating.

In other words, it chose to do things without anybody asking, without any certain condition attached.

It just chose to act.

It was initiative, initiate, initiatory.

I think that's a word.

Like Romans 5:8, for example.

God shows his love for us and that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

You see, while we were still resistant, undeserving, unresponsive.

He moved first, he gave first, he loved first.

And that establishes the pattern.

That means a man can't say, well, honey, I'll love you when you.

And you fill in the blanks.

Because Christ didn't love that way.

So he can't say, I'll step forward and be the head of this house when she does this.

When Christ didn't wait that way.

So he must move first.

So when it's easy and when it's not, when it's returned and when it's not returned, when it's understood and when it's misunderstood, it has nothing to do with her responses, but because of his reverence for Christ.

And that requires a lot of strength.

Not emotional strength that's rooted in pride or how one feels, but spiritual tree strength that's rooted in surrendering my will to Christ.

It's just doing it because that's the right thing to do.

The strength to go first, the strength to absorb tension without reacting to it.

It's the strength to lead without controlling every situation.

Now, when Scripture speaks to the wife.

It calls her to support and submit, not as a lesser role, but as a complementary strength.

In Genesis 2, God calls her a helper fit for him.

And that word helper is used repeatedly in Scripture of God himself as the one who comes alongside to strengthen.

And so this obviously isn't a sign of weakness, else you'd be describing God.

It's strength is what it is.

But it's strength that's directed towards stability.

It's the willingness to support, to encourage, to reinforce.

And that's especially true when it would be easier to resist and to just withdraw, or in some cases, to compete.

And again, it's not rooted in the husband's perfection.

It's rooted in the reverence for Jesus Christ.

So now both roles are anchored in the same place, not in each other, in him.

And when both are anchored there, unity can be possible.

But when either of that shifts back towards self, you'll see tension every time.

So extend that pattern now.

It's true in any relationship.

Children are told in Colossians 3, 20, Obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord, not because parents are flawless, but because it pleases the Lord, not because fathers are always right, but because it pleases the Lord.

Parents are told not to provoke their children to wrath lest they become discouraged.

Which means that authority must be exercised with patience, with restraint, with awareness.

And again, the same pattern holds every role, every relationship, rooted not in themselves, but in Christ.

And here's where the conflict becomes real.

Because even when we understand it, something in us wants to resist.

And that resistance comes from what Scripture calls the flesh.

It's the carnal mind.

The carnal mind is self focused.

It constantly circles back to the same question.

What about me?

What about my needs?

What about my feelings?

What about my expectations?

And that mindset produces paralysis.

It always leads to waiting for the other to respond, waiting for the other to say, I'm sorry, waiting for the other to show affection.

The husband waits for respect because he before he loves.

The wife can wait for love and respect before she respect.

The wife waits for love before she respects him.

And the parent waits for better behavior before showing patience and love.

The child waits for fairness before offering obedience because it's just not fair what parents are telling him.

And as long as both sides are waiting, nothing moves forward, nothing grows, nothing changes for the better.

But the spiritual mind doesn't do that.

It breaks that cycle.

And it refused to let the other person determine obedience.

So it says, my responsibility is Jesus Christ, and he is the center, an object of my affection.

Colossians 3:23 says, Whatever you do, work heartily.

As for the Lord and not for men.

It doesn't matter what people say or think about you or your view or your position or your work.

What matters is what does your God think about it?

You see, and this is something that Paul argues in Second Corinthians or First Corinthians 4 rather, it's a small thing to be judged of you, my brethren.

And it is given the fact that God is the judge, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Now I know it can hurt people's feelings, especially for people that's in the family where relationships are the closest.

But really make, make that the center, the priority rather of your life.

Whatever you do, work heartily, give it your best, give it, work with all your might, as if you're working for the Lord and not for men.

And this principle applies directly here.

In marriage.

It means, I don't love for her, I love unto him.

I do not serve for them, I serve unto Him.

And when that becomes real, and not a theoretical or an intellectual thing, but a real genuine reaction or action, then movement begins.

Because now someone goes first and that first movement changes the direction.

It doesn't do it instantly.

Maybe it's not always dramatic, but it's genuine.

And Jesus shows us this very clearly.

And I've mentioned this several times.

It's the greatest example of, of what we're saying in John 13 where he takes a towel and a basin of water and he wraps the towel around him and takes the basin of water to each of the disciples feet and begin to wash their feet.

Now consider that moment.

He knew who they were.

He knew their weaknesses.

He had just told Peter that he's going to deny him, that he ever knew him.

He.

They asked who it was that would betray him.

And he told John, the one beside him, that it would be him that.

That dips with me in the that I that he gives the dip or the, the morsel and dips with him.

And yet, I mean, they knew a lot of that.

They already knew that.

They knew their weaknesses.

They didn't understand the nature of the kingdom yet.

They had a lot of misunderstanding about all that.

But Christ knew is what I'm saying is he knew everything about them.

He knew who they were.

He knew their failures.

He knew the one that would betray him and the one that would deny him.

And the rest.

They all scattered.

He knew that.

And still he knelt down and washed their feet.

Now he served.

He gave why In Philippians, chapter two, the Bible says that he made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant.

Why?

Because they deserved it?

No, because that's who he was.

And then he says, I have given you an example that you should do even as I've done to you.

Now, this is not just to admire, it's to follow.

So now we bring that into your life.

Not in some theory, but in reality.

A man walks into his home.

He's exhausted.

He's had a terrible day, everything.

And he wants to disengage and go somewhere by himself, watch TV or just veg on the couch.

But instead he leans in.

He chooses presence over withdrawal, chooses engagement over silence.

That's the towel.

And he's asking how people's days were.

He wants to know what's going on in their lives.

And all of a sudden, a woman feels seen instead of unseen.

See, that's the towel.

If that's not there, then everything in her wants to pull back.

But she strengthens.

But why?

Because he comes alongside of her.

That's why she speaks life instead of withholding it.

That's the basin.

See, a parent feels frustration rising, so a child resists authority.

But in all these moments, something deeper than emotion must decide the response.

Because transformation doesn't just happen in ideas.

It happens in moments.

Small moments, repeated moments, and sometimes very costly.

And this is where we must confront something very honestly.

Much of modern thinking trains people towards self preservation.

You protect your energy, guard your peace, remove what drains you.

All that, and again, there's a place for wisdom.

But the direction of that thinking reinforces yourself.

But the Scripture calls us to something deeper.

Colossians 3:13 says, Bear with one another.

Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.

Philippians 2:3.

In humility, count others more significant than yourselves.

Now, that's not weakness, friends.

That's transformation.

It requires death to self.

And without it, relationships can't hold, because two people centered on self can't produce unity.

But one person surrendered to Christ can begin to change the direction.

So now the question is not abstract.

It's very personal, isn't it?

And so, as you think about your relationships, are you waiting or are you moving?

Are you measuring your relationship and what they're doing or not doing?

Or are you giving regardless of how they're acting?

See, are you more initiating and acting just because it's the right thing, following the example of Christ as a servant who gets up and washes feet?

I mean, they didn't even think about it.

Their idea was, well, some slave, servant, girl, or Someone would come in and wash feet here before long.

And yet Jesus is the one who does.

Wasn't expected.

They were no doubt very shocked.

Peter said, no, Lord, you'll never wash my feet.

But yet that was his example, the best teaching he could ever give.

It was acting.

It wasn't reacting.

You see, transformation is not revealed in what you agree with.

A lot of people go to church and they like the preaching and amen.

And they raise their hands and they say they're worshiping God.

And perhaps they are.

I'm not questioning that and their sincerity.

But transformation is not revealed in what you agree with.

It's revealed in what you do when it costs you something.

When a person begins to live that kind of way, not perfectly, but faithfully, something begins to shift.

Not always quickly, not always visibly, but it's genuine, it's true, because the foundation's changed.

It's no longer self, it's Christ.

And only that foundation will hold.

My friends, when you deny yourself, take up the cross, crucify the old man, put on Jesus Christ, live like he lived.

That's action.

Then movement can be made toward you.

You see, that's the part of the man that I've tried to emphasize.

And I have not learned this lesson.

When I was young, I didn't understand it.

I felt like that if I had to be, if I was going to be the head of the house, I had to control my family.

You know, you hear men say, you need to do something about your wife.

You need to control your wife, you need to control your son.

Well, that was the wrong message.

No, I needed to be an example of servanthood is what I needed to be.

And when I did that, when I understood that and applied that, even though in many cases it was much too late, then things begin to shift in the right direction.

But it starts in the home.

It starts with husband.

It starts with the head of the house.

He sets the environment.

He sets the stage for all of this to begin to function and work properly.

Well, thank you so much for your kind attention.

We'll return to these things next week.

Have a good day and a pleasant week ahead.