Welcome to episode 51 of Burning Brightly, where we're tackling the (often unspoken) emotion of envy. I’m Bonnie Wiscombe, your host, life coach, and fellow mom entrepreneur. Today, we’ll dive deep into understanding and overcoming envy, particularly in the context of business, and how it can be a surprising catalyst for growth and clarity in your journey. 

Key Points:

• Understanding Envy: Envy is a natural human emotion that can feel terrible but also serves as valuable information about our desires and aspirations.
• Learning from Envy: Instead of judging ourselves, we can use envy to identify what we truly want and add it to our goals and vision boards.
• Moving Past Negative Feelings: Addressing the darker sides of envy like disappointment and self-criticism, and transforming them into productive emotions.
• Celebrating Small Wins: Recognizing and celebrating every milestone, no matter how small, helps maintain motivation and appreciation for the journey.
• Trusting God's Plan: Embracing the belief that God’s plans are greater than ours and that He knows the perfect timing for our dreams.

Join me as we explore practical tips and heartfelt advice on turning envy into a stepping stone towards your dreams. You’ll learn to process and release envy, celebrate your unique journey, and keep faith in God's plan. Don’t miss this episode—it's packed with insights to help you shine even brighter!

Download my free guide to getting your coaching business up and running in ONE weekend.

Ready to work together? Schedule a call to explore your goals and learn how I can help you.

You're listening to Burning Brightly, episode 51, Dealing

With Envy.

This is Burning Brightly, a podcast for Christian

moms who are feeling called to build a

business and share their light with the world.

I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life coach, mom, and

entrepreneur.

And I'm honored to be your guide as

you face this business building adventure full of

highs, lows, and everything in between.

This is where we help each other find

the courage to shine.

Hello, my friend.

Today's episode is all about that little green

monster we like to call envy.

It's not a fun emotion.

You might not think this is very fun

to listen to, but I promise you, you're

going to come away with some takeaways that

are going to change your life when it

comes to feeling jealousy, envy, frustration that maybe

someone has or has built something that you

want.

Now, today we're going to talk primarily about

the envy in regards to business.

When we look at what someone else has

built or we're worried about what we are

building.

But honestly, some of these tips will help

you across the board in all areas of

your life, no matter what you might feel

envy surrounding.

Now, all of us who are human have

experienced this emotion at some point or another.

And envy, frankly, feels pretty darn terrible.

Most of the time, I just want to

get rid of it.

It feels awful.

I kind of sit and wallow in it

sometimes.

It makes me feel terrible about myself.

It makes me feel terrible about my relationships

because envy tends to break down relationships as

well.

But it's also important to remember that it

is a normal human emotion.

So we're going to have no judgment for

ourselves when we feel envy.

We're just going to let it move through

us.

We're going to process it and then we're

going to let it go.

That's what I'm going to teach you today.

So another thing to remember about any emotion

that we experience is this.

Emotions give us information.

So before I learned about life coaching and

about how powerful our emotions and thoughts are

and how to have power over them, I

just thought that when I felt a certain

emotion that I didn't want, it kind of

meant something bad about me, right?

If I was envious, that meant that I

was bad.

I was a sinner.

There was something wrong with me.

And now I don't look at it like

that anymore.

I just look at emotion as information.

It means that something is happening in my

brain to create this emotion, this vibration in

my body, and I'm going to learn why

and what it can mean for me and

if I want to keep it or let

it go.

So now when I feel envy or any

other emotion that I dislike and I want

to get rid of, I don't immediately drop

it.

I'm not in a real big hurry to

let it go because I want to learn

from it first.

I also try not to hate it.

I don't give myself a hard time about

it and judge myself and tell myself how

terrible I am for feeling envious.

I just allow myself to feel it, to

learn from it, and then it is so

much easier to let it go once we've

learned what it's there to teach us.

So the first thing I've learned that envy

teaches me over the years is that it

teaches me what I want.

Isn't that interesting?

I realized that it is actually quite useful.

Envy sometimes can fuel my dreams.

Now I don't want to make a habit

of feeling it all the time.

I actually want to learn to feel it

less often.

But whenever it comes up for me now,

it helps me get to places I've never

even dreamed of.

So for example, let's say a friend travels

to Australia and posts all her videos and

photos about it on social media.

Envy teaches me that I want that.

If someone travels to Istanbul and I don't

feel envious, I think, oh, I guess Istanbul

isn't on my bucket list.

I don't really want that.

But Australia apparently, I do because envy came

up for me.

So I just listen to it and I

learn from it and I acknowledge, oh, maybe

it's time to put Australia on my bucket

list because that looked really fun.

When a business acquaintance creates maybe, let's say,

a successful membership that you've been dreaming of,

or a friend buys a new car that

looks really cool, or someone gets in incredible

physical shape and does all these triathlons or

something, and you feel envy for any of

those things, you get to learn, oh, my

brain wants that.

That looks appealing to me.

That seems exciting to me.

That looks fun.

I want to try that.

You can add it to your vision board

or your bucket list or your dream list.

By the way, all of us should have

one of these things, a place to write

down things that we want to accomplish or

build or places to go.

I think it's really powerful when we're building

our dreams.

But that's what I use Envy for, is

to acknowledge, oh, that is something that I

want.

Oh, now I know.

And then I get to kind of watch

a little bit and think, oh, what did

it take them to get there?

Maybe logistically, right?

Oh, they had to be able to afford

a plane ticket to Australia and find a

place to stay.

It looks like they went on this safari.

That looks pretty cool.

So logistically, I figure out what it's going

to take.

But then also, just acknowledging that that's a

priority for me.

Maybe travel hadn't been a huge priority for

me before.

And seeing that, I acknowledge, oh, I'm going

to have to start budgeting for some travel

because that is a lot more important to

me than I realized.

Now, I know this sounds kind of ideal,

right?

Most of the time when Envy comes, we're

not thinking positively.

We're not thinking in a productive manner about,

oh, now I know what I want.

Very often, Envy comes from this place of

what we like to call dirty pain.

It feels yucky.

It feels gross.

It feels combative sometimes.

And we want to get rid of that

aspect of it.

So what that looks like for me is

wishing that I had the thing instead of

my friend.

So my friend travels to Australia and I

think, oh, why did she get that instead

of me?

I've worked harder than her.

I deserve it more, etc.

Do you see how that feels very different?

And it feels definitely like an emotion we

want to get rid of when we're coming

at it from that way.

Or even looking at my perfectly amazing life

and all of the things that I have

and saying, oh, it's not enough.

I wish my life were different.

I wish it were like her life.

So that's kind of the dirty negative aspect

of Envy that we want to maybe let

go of, because that does feel a lot

worse than just thinking, oh, now I know

that's something that I want.

So we're going to look at part of

the dirty pain side of Envy and how

to move through that as well.

All right.

So a big, I would call relatively negative

emotion that accompanies Envy for me is disappointment.

And what that looks like for me is

that it makes me think that I'm not

successful in meeting my goals and dreams.

Maybe I worry that somehow I've missed the

boat.

I'm disappointed in myself that I'm too late.

Somebody else reached this dream before me, or

everyone else is doing it faster than me

or better than me.

Recently, a coach I followed for a while

created a new program in her business that

is very similar to what I want to

launch eventually.

I'm not ready for it yet, but eventually

down the road, I want to launch a

program very similar to this one.

And I had some Envy come up.

I felt disappointment along with that Envy and

thinking, oh, she beat me to it.

Which now, looking back, I think that's a

very unuseful thought, but that's what came up

for me.

She beat me to it, and now there's

no room for me, which we'll talk about

that in a second.

So that disappointment part for me is more

clean pain, and I want to acknowledge that.

Acknowledge that that hurts to see somebody else

build something that you've always wanted to, and

they did it first.

Acknowledge that maybe you thought you'd already be

there, or you wish things had gone by

faster, or that you had grown bigger in

the time you'd been given.

And let yourself be disappointed in this for

a while or however long it takes.

Disappointment feels better than Envy anyway, so just

embrace that one and go, yeah, it does

feel disappointing to see somebody reach something that

I had dreamed of.

But then, we need to remember that there

is actually room in this world for all

of us.

Every last one of us, every last dream,

every last hope, there exists space for all

of it.

And every last talent that we have, there's

room to grow it.

God created us this way on purpose.

He would never have duplicated two humans exactly

the same, because there's no need for two

humans that are exactly the same.

There's need for each one of us and

our unique talents and strengths.

I promise you this.

So if you struggle to believe this, work

on this belief.

Work on this belief for yourself.

Maybe write it down, repeat it to yourself,

and acknowledge that you probably, like me, believe

that God created you the way you are

for a reason.

There is no other you exactly like you,

so there's no reason to be disappointed if

someone gets their dream ahead of yours, because

yours is going to look a little different

anyway.

It will actually look better for you, and

perfectly suited for you, for your desires, for

your wants, and for your strengths.

So similar to disappointment, but maybe a little

bit less clean feeling, is self-criticism.

Sometimes self-criticism comes up for me.

I started my coaching business in my 40s.

So very often, what comes up for me

is that I should have started sooner.

I wish I were younger when I had

started it.

I like to think that I'm too old,

or it's too late, or somehow I did

something wrong.

And if it's not disappointment coming, then it

might be self-criticism.

Gosh, if only you had done this before.

If only you had found this earlier.

If only, whatever.

But looking back at my life with an

eye of self-criticism feels terrible.

And I also personally really dislike criticizing my

past self.

I kind of look at her as a

different version of me, and I want to

acknowledge that she was doing the best she

could do at that time with what she

had.

She did a great job, honestly.

She raised a lot of babies while building

businesses.

She was exhausted a lot of the time,

and she still managed to get up and

work on the things that were important to

her.

I am not going to criticize her at

all.

I'm going to give her all the credit

that is due.

And I'm going to acknowledge that the me

of today is doing the same thing.

So step into a place of compassion and

awe for yourself, especially that past self.

Look at what she's done.

Look what she overcame.

Look at her struggles, and how she came

out on top, and all of the things

that she managed to accomplish.

Even if they don't look the way you

wish they did, she still did exactly what

she was supposed to do and live the

life she was supposed to have.

And then you get to look at how

far you've come.

I love the concept of the gap and

the gain.

I talk about it all the time.

If you're not familiar with it, go back

to episode 23.

It's called Living in the Gain, and I

give a summary of that book and of

how important it is to look at our

lives looking backwards and acknowledging how far we've

come instead of constantly looking at how far

we'd like to go.

Because after all, you would never want your

future self to look back at the you

of today and think, gosh, what was she

doing all day?

Be mean to you.

No.

Every day has the struggles and successes it's

supposed to have.

So just let it be and stop wishing

that things were different.

I know it's a struggle, but we can

do it.

I promise.

All right.

Another thing that envy brings up for me

sometimes is imposter syndrome.

Another struggle that we just talked about two

episodes ago.

There's a whole episode on imposter syndrome.

So go listen to that if you missed

it.

But when I see others get or have

or build things that I want, sometimes I

feel dumb, like I don't belong, like there's

something wrong with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just not expert

enough or not hardworking enough, or I just

don't have what it takes.

And when I look at my thoughts like

this, I want to decide why I'm thinking

this way, because we've talked about this before.

Our brain doesn't come up with thoughts for

no reason.

It's usually trying to protect us or trying

to save us from failure or embarrassment in

some way.

So I try to look at those thoughts

and analyze them.

Why am I thinking this way?

Why do I feel like I don't belong

or like I'm dumb or something is missing?

Sometimes I ask myself, do I think that

someone better, quote unquote, qualified would have had

success already?

Do I think that someone that I needed

to be more talented in some way or

work harder?

What do I think I'm missing?

And very often my brain doesn't have an

answer for that.

I just think, oh, I just don't belong.

So kind of hold your feet to the

fire a little bit and say, yeah, but

what am I missing?

Why am I an imposter?

Why do I not belong here?

And very often your brain won't have an

answer for that.

And then you're able to move through those

thoughts.

But again, be so compassionate and curious with

yourself.

Have a heart to heart talk with that

version of yourself that's feeling like she doesn't

belong.

Maybe there's something deep there that you need

to take a look at and then acknowledge

what is going right while still acknowledging the

pain of unmet expectations and dreams.

Did you know you can hold this, these

two things in your brain at the same

time?

I can acknowledge that, hey, I'm doing a

lot really well.

I'm getting up every day and working on

my business.

I am trying even when it feels like

things aren't going right.

And I can also still hold compassion for

myself that I haven't yet met the goals

that I want to meet.

And that's okay.

It's okay to feel some pain there and

wish that it were a little bit different.

This is one of the greatest gifts I've

been able to give myself through life coaching

is the gift of being able to hold

two seemingly opposite emotions in my mind at

the same time.

I can feel happy and sad at the

same time.

I can feel excited and proud and also

a little disappointed at the same time.

It actually feels kind of good to acknowledge

the whole gamut of my human experience and

not just always trying to find the good.

So try it out.

It might help you.

Above all, please do not give up on

your dream simply because you think it's taking

longer than it should or because it feels

like that dream doesn't belong to you yet.

It totally will, but we have to hold

space for it before it's real.

I know I've talked before about believing in

your business before it exists.

This is a tricky thing and something we

have to practice regularly, but I promise you,

you'll get better at it the more you

try it.

So do not give up yet.

Just keep believing that it is coming.

Now, the last part of envy that sometimes

comes up for me is wondering if maybe

I chose the wrong path or if God

somehow forgot about me.

Sometimes I'll have this dream and I have

a very clear vision of how it's going

to come to pass.

And shocker, my journey never looks like my

vision.

It never turns out the way I expected.

Always different.

Sometimes better.

Sometimes I think worse.

But regardless, it's always going to be a

little bit different than how you envision it.

And this emotion that accompanies envy, this wondering

if maybe I chose the wrong path, I

think is the most insidious of all because

it feels a little bit like resignation and

wanting to quit, right?

We see somebody else's success and we think,

oh, I'll never get there.

I'll never be like that.

I'll never succeed like that.

Things don't match up to our expectations and

so we want to quit.

But the first thing to remember in this

one is that envy cannot exist without comparison.

So if we want to eliminate envy, we

can work on eliminating comparison.

Start noticing comparison early.

Sometimes I start noticing that comparison actually makes

me feel good.

Maybe I'll compare myself to others and I

think maybe I have something over them and

it starts to make me feel good about

myself.

That is just as insidious.

So make sure you get rid of that

one as soon as possible.

So nip comparison in the bud every single

time no matter how it makes you feel

because even if you're kind of feeling better

about yourself than another person, eventually it's going

to flip on its head.

And either way, that comparison is not Christ

-like.

So let's get rid of it.

Secondly, stop looking at your journey as a

before and after.

I am still working on this like daily,

but it's so powerful.

For many, many years, I was thinking, you

know, I'm not where I want to be

now, but when I get clients, then I'll

feel successful.

Or when I make X number of dollars,

then I'll have arrived.

Or when I'm able to buy this thing,

then I know my business is taking off.

And you can see how this works, right?

Like I reached the goal and then I

just push it off for another one.

Again, the gap and the gain again, right?

That same concept.

As soon as I got clients, I thought,

well, now I just need X number of

clients and I get X number of clients.

I think, well, actually now I want more,

right?

It never ends.

So we have to look back at how

far we've come and celebrate every milestone.

Looking at your business as a before and

after will cheat you out of all these

little amazing milestones that you hit along the

way.

And I'm talking every little one.

I remember one time I had a really

tricky, troublesome, technological problem.

I think it was with my website.

I was so frustrated.

I could not figure this thing out.

And when I finally figured it out, I

think I went and bought myself a treat

or something.

I can't remember, but I celebrated it because

it was something that drove me so crazy

and I worked so hard on.

Now, no one outside of me will ever

know about that struggle and that success.

It's not going to be written in my

bio anywhere.

I'm probably never going to talk about it

on stage anywhere, but it was important to

me that I persevered and I pushed through

that challenge and I celebrated it because I

wanted to and I felt so good about

pushing through.

So don't forget to celebrate every milestone.

Finishing your website, setting up your email service

provider, talking to your first potential client, anything,

anything that gets you a step forward, celebrate

that.

I actually have a best friend who is

also an entrepreneur.

And sometimes when we've both had a little

success, we will get on the phone together

and we will drive to Dairy Queen together,

even though we're in different states, and we'll

get an ice cream cone at the same

time to celebrate those wins.

And it's really fun to have a friend

do that with you as well.

Now, another thing I say all the time

is you cannot enjoy the end of a

journey that was miserable the whole way there.

It's almost impossible.

If your business journey is miserable on the

way there, the end is not going to

feel any different.

It's going to feel similarly miserable.

Your brain just doesn't know how to switch

into success mode.

So step into success mode now.

Enjoy it now.

There is no rule that says you have

to make $50,000 before you can enjoy

your business.

There's no rule that says you even have

to have one paying client to enjoy your

business.

Just enjoy it now.

Step into the phase you are now and

learn to appreciate where you are now.

I'll tell you that when I didn't have

any clients, I remember thinking, oh, it's so

frustrating.

I just want to help someone.

And instead, one day I decided, you know

what?

I can actually not work on my business

for a whole week.

And it doesn't matter.

I can take whatever time I want with

my family.

And it doesn't matter because I don't have

any paying clients yet.

And then all of a sudden, something that

was a point of shame for me not

yet having clients turned into a point of

celebration.

Actually, I have a lot more freedom than

some of my friends who already have paying

clients.

And I was able to enjoy that phase

so much more.

So there's no rules that says you can

only celebrate certain milestones or you can't enjoy

the phases that are the building phases.

You can enjoy every step.

So this is why God called you to

build a business, not for the enjoyment of

the after phase, but for the growth that

comes along the way.

I firmly believe that there is so much

for us to learn and grow along the

way.

Let's enjoy every step of it.

Now, lastly, let's talk about feeling that maybe

God has forsaken you or left you behind

because you haven't reached your goal like everyone

else has.

God is so keenly aware of you and

he knows your innermost dreams, whether you tell

him or not.

He will not abandon you and he will

continue helping you get there if you keep

asking.

And we remain humble, right?

And looking for God's answers to us.

I keep listening for course corrections all along

the way.

Sometimes I have needed to give up something

good for something better.

When my businesses have shifted, sometimes it has

been hard to give up something I've worked

really hard on, but I've acknowledged that God

is calling me to something better and I've

let it go.

So when I've needed a course correction, it

doesn't feel like some of these emotions we've

talked about.

It doesn't feel like envy.

It doesn't feel like crushing defeat or self

-criticism or disappointment.

It just feels like a whisper.

It feels like maybe a little tinge of

discontent or just an idea that won't leave

me alone, that maybe I should try this

thing, this new thing.

So I lean into that and I try

to be flexible and then acknowledge that God

will take you wherever he can use you

most.

And his plans are always greater than our

plans.

So remember to trust him and acknowledge that

he has your best interest at heart.

I can't wait to see where he takes

you.

Are you ready to start or grow your

dream business?

Click the link in the show notes to

download the free starter guide to building a

business or to schedule a free coaching call

with me.

And if you loved this episode, don't forget

to leave a review and share it with

a friend who might be feeling the call

to burn a little brighter.