Shownotes
Welcome to the Mental Wealth Podcast.
Joining me this week is Pam Shanker, Pam and I unpack the importance of showing up and mastering goal-setting in this insightful podcast episode. Whether you're striving for personal growth or professional success, we both share personal experiences, practical tips, and expert advice to help you navigate your own path.
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Transcripts
Episode 29 - Showing up
Transcript
::Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much to share, so let's get into this episode and explore another great top.
::Welcome to episode 29. Can't believe I'm up to 29 episodes now in this podcast, so I'm really excited to share this episode with you. I'm delighted to say I've got a very special guest with me and we are going to be talking about showing up, but how do we show up? How do we get?
::What we want. So firstly I'd like to welcome Pam Shankar to this episode.
::Hi. Hi, Alison. Thank you so much for inviting.
::Brilliant. So tell everyone a little bit about you first, Pam. So they know who you are and who I'm sharing this space with.
::Yes. So my name is Pam Shankar, and I was a civil servant for many years. I was actually a civil servant for.
::28 years.
:: And then in: ::What I've seen on homes under the hammer, but I just thought I'd love to do that. And and by the end of the weekend, I'd found out all about her and decided I was gonna give up my job and go. She was running a course to give back.
::Joining so I just thought I'm going to give up my job and and go into and have a go at this and I was very fortunate in that in that I had enough money in the bank for two years salary on one side, but it meant that, you know, I was in a very fortunate position that I could do that, but it had to make it work. There was no.
::You know there.
::There was no choice in that I had to.
::Succeed. I just knew in that moment that it was the right thing for me, and that whatever it took, whatever obstacles I had to overcome, I would succeed. And I just had that unshakable belief and knowledge that it would all be fine. And so I.
::Gave up the job.
::And and went into property and Fast forward six years. Now 6-7 years, and I've been buying property for myself.
::And my family.
::And and also helping other investors create their wealth and grow their wealth through property. And then last year I was led into coaching when I say led the universe led me into sharing my expertise and knowledge with other people, and I just found after COVID, I loved talking to people I've missed.
::People, there's a lot of us had and I just wanted to get into that space where, you know, I.
::Could make it.
::And and serve and and help other people. And so I'm now a transformative life and business coach. And I wake up every day and thank that. I feel very grateful that this is this is. This is how I spend my day.
::Nice. Yeah, lovely. So all sorts of different angles in terms of how what got you here which I think is always interesting because some people do seem to get quite hung up on and need to know exactly where I'm going in which direction and actually life is never quite that straightforward, is it? And I think sometimes we need to be OK with.
::The fact that there'll be different routes to get us to different parts, I mean, my journey was definitely, definitely that. But I think the thing that stood out for me the most is what you said, Pam, is that you knew that you would have to do whatever it took. And this is there's a real strength in that. But I think something I like to pay attention to is making sure that.
::That balance for that is.
::Comfortable because sometimes when people make a big change, they push themselves so much that they.
::It's all lost the end of the Cliff and they and they don't succeed versus having to know that you've got to do whatever it takes. And I think there's something in there, isn't there, about how do you balance that if you are listening to this and you're not sure you've always wanted to do something, it could be set up your own business. It could be go for promotion, it could be.
::Then actually, how do you balance that? I think that's often a challenge, isn't it for people?
::It is and and I think you have to be clear on your on your vision so.
::When I say clear on your vision, you have to have an idea of what it is you're trying to achieve. It doesn't have to be crystal clear at the outset that it becomes clearer as as you take the steps, but then as well you just have to have to have faith that you will be LED in the right direction. And if you if you take one step at a time.
::And then the next step will be clearer. I liken it to a staircase into the sky and I'm walking up that staircase and my I can see my my my vision is is up there.
::I can see it at some some parts of my vision are super, super clear and other bits are a little bit hazy and I need to think about a little. You know, I need to that that needs to become clearer. But the step that I'm on right now is really clear. There's no mist or any clouds on the on the stairway on the stair that I'm on.
::But the next step, there's still a there's still some mist on there and it, you know, if you if you just imagine this staircase going up with clouds.
::Coming now and and and then the way the what happens for me is that the next step just becomes clear. She's taking this step, then it, then it, then the next step will become clear and then a step on to that. And then the next step will become clear. And it's just all about taking one step at a time and not trying to Fast forward too much.
::Or think too much, get too ahead of yourself. Yes. No. Understand where you're trying to go and then just take one.
::Step at a time.
::I think that's so powerful, isn't it? Because we can get so stuck.
::Thinking we need to be going faster or pushing even harder and actually just being OK with where you are, the step that you're on right now. Yeah. And being able to kind of balance yourself if you like and think, yeah, I can see that this bit is right. And I'm gonna do this bit. I'm gonna focus on that.
::Because otherwise what I notice then is if people are easy to say, overthink it or think.
::Too far ahead.
::Because the brain hasn't got a reference.
::That's when the self doubt can start coming in. That's when you can start questioning yourself. And that holds you back, just just in itself, doesn't it? That pausing.
::So for me.
::I love your metaphor, and I think it's really powerful to just know that yeah, it is going.
::To be a bit cloudy.
::A bit higher.
::Up, but let's just take each step as it yes, and it's forces us then.
::To do what I'm really keen for us all to do is to chunk things down.
::So and I like the fact that you're saying I'm, I know I'm clear on this and then next is.
::Absolutely, yes. Yeah. And I like to reverse engineer things. So where do we want to be in five years time? Where do we want to be in two years time? Where would we like to be in a years time? And then even down to the next month and the next week and what can?
::I do today.
::So it's it's very much about just take one step a day, whatever it is and however.
::Small. You know, I'm. I'm doing some marketing at the moment and every day I just go in and connect on Facebook for, you know, a period of time and and and whether I, you know, I just take one step a day it in terms of all my goals, just just keep moving because it's progress, not perfection.
::So yeah, yeah, I think that's really nice, isn't it, to remember that anything is potentially progress. If you're asking yourself, what's the one small thing that I can do today for my bigger goal and my chunk of my goal, rather than have something needing to be perfect or something that is.
::Not quite what you think it's meant to be, but what might it lead you to? And I think that's where.
::We need to get.
::More brave to do.
::That don't we.
::Yeah, it it is about having faith the thing.
::Is that I believe that.
::Anybody can have anything. It doesn't matter who you are, your age, your gender or your background. You can be, do and have whatever you want with a clear.
::Vision, a plan and you take action.
::And and I know.
::You know, we can say, oh, well, I'm never.
::Going to go.
::To the moon. No, you're not. But if it, if it's. If you're really into the moon, then you can actually go and do other things that might satisfy that, that object objective. You know, we can we can, if you want to start a business.
::You can, if you want to. You can do whatever you want literally. So I'm working with the lady. As you know, I'm a coach. I'm working with a lady. And in the in this period of time that we've been working together, she, you know, she's she's in the mid 50s and she's decided she wants to learn to.
::Swim, it's about looking at where you know, where do we want to be in the future. Imagine a clean piece of paper, literally a white sheet of paper. You've no constraints. You can make it up as you go along. You can literally just create something new and just play with that. And then, yes, I know we've got our current lives and we've got a lot going on, but.
::How do we how do we go?
::From here to there and transition and take.
::Everybody with us that needs to come.
::And all the things that need.
::To come with us, how do we transition so that we're we're moving to this space where?
::You know, we're living in joy and we're living doing the things that we want to do because we don't have to do the same thing in the same way, day after day after day and a lot of people.
::Have fallen into that trap and I did for 28 years actually had.
::I was gonna be there till the day I retired, so I had another 20 years left and I just it was this wake up that I had and I just thought, you know what I could do this for someone else for another 20 years. I could actually go in all this. All this great energy. I've got to actually go and do something for me.
::So I did.
::Yes, it says challenging that that you.
::Don't have to do.
::Things in the same way. Yeah, I think so. And I think it's checking, isn't it? With the the inner voice, that little voice.
::That might be.
::Just listening and hearing you is making some plans and having a bit of energy and something exciting and that little voice might be saying, who do you think you are and you can't do that and it could be not even your voice. It could be your voice, but an old voice. It's just keeping an eye on those things because they're the things that literally.
::In the way it's not.
::Actually, usually all the other stuff. Yeah, in my experience.
::Yeah, and and I.
::I have goals which I am I'm very visual which I visualise off to my right hand side at the front of the front of me, off to the right hand side and my goals are over there. So when I'm looking at my goals I look there and look to the right and and there's a path, a clear path and you know that's where I'm going and then my niggles and my little voice lives in the back left hand side.
::And you know, this little chattering can start and, you know, I actually consciously look away from that little voice towards that goal and just think to myself, you know, the goal is so strong.
::Thing that and and actually I'm a fortunate now to say that I programmed myself in such a way that my my vision and goal and, and you know, so strong I can quieten the chatter and.
::I've it's a.
::Skill that can be learned and I have learned to quiet and that.
::Matter because you know, I'm very clear it that's louder. One is a lot louder now than the other.
::Yeah. And I think that.
::Brings me to something that I talk a lot about.
::Is being focused on what you want because often yes, if you wrote down, I want to.
::Be fit or I want to be.
::Successful or you know that that's all kind of things. But what? What then? The noise and the thinking often is all around what you don't want so.
::Why do you want to get fit? Well, I.
::Gonna be ill why do you want to be successful? Well, I don't wanna be.
::Skint or you?
::Know and people end up spending all their time in the in the other side of it, don't they? And they lose them themselves because they're so focused on the what they don't want to have happen.
::Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one thing that I do with my clients because it's all about starting where you are.
::And we always start with success. So talk about fitness as that would be an example. You know I would get my because I want to have a look at you know what's gone really well up to now what where are we and what's going really well. You know, you might walk to the bus stop, you might do an extra 5 minutes.
::Doing this or you might, you know, even walking the dog or whatever it is that you're doing or.
::Those healthy choices that you're making, you know, we might not be perfect, but we might be taking some really great steps and some really great actions. So write those actions down. What are we doing really well and what can we celebrate because we should always be celebrating, but we we always you know we're we we we're quite hard in ourselves and we're all.
::We berate ourselves a lot because we've not done this and we've not done.
::That and we've not done the other.
::But actually, if we if we start with well, we're doing really well at this and doing really well at that and we're doing really well at the other write that down on 1/2 of your piece of paper if you imagined and you drew a line down the.
::Middle on the.
::Left hand side is your success is and on the right hand side is actually. This is what I'd like it to look like.
::And this is what how I would like it to improve.
::And and and then what you've done then is you've created a gap and and that's the gap that you're going to work through to get to your.
::Yeah, it's it's so important, isn't it, to acknowledge where you are and what is good because again, we're we're wired really to be focused on what we haven't achieved, what we haven't got, what we haven't been able to make and a lot of people out there, I work with a lot.
::Of people who are.
::Finding themselves just stuck in that routine.
::Thinking of, Oh well, this hasn't happened. That hasn't worked out very well. That hasn't been what I wanted it to be.
::And in that, when we're in that space, that's where we often miss opportunities. We miss the things that are going to help you because you're too busy either down in the dirt, in the whole, I call them rabbit Warrens. You know, we're stuck down this rabbit Warren and we can't see anything possible options.
::Available things. So when we are able to look and be really clear on what it is that you're aiming for.
::Then so many opportunities come don't.
::Absolutely. You have to. I think This is why it's so powerful to connect with your goals. They spend some time really sitting down and thinking about what will make your heart happy. You know what will you really enjoy doing? And and then I, you know, I would invite people to focus on those everyday. Literally just have a look at open.
::It's written in a book. It's there on a vision.
::Board. Literally. Just look at them everyday and and then step into the feeling of actually having achieved that. And then what that does is it just keeps those goals at the 4th and to of your mind and you're actually, you know, your reticular activating system and then going to philtre in those opportunities that are LinkedIn with those goals.
::Where rather than what would have happened previously, it would have filtered them out if it knows that you're looking for something and you're focusing on something, it will philtre in those opportunities. So the opportunities were probably always there, but you never saw them before. It's like when you buy a red car or red polo specifically, you know.
::On the the days you buy it, you see 10 on the day before. You probably didn't see any. It's what your mind is focusing on, and one of the thing that I would say is that.
::In terms of being positive and negative, whatever you look for, you will find so you will get confirmation and the you know the universe and the world will give you confirmation of whatever it is you're looking for. So if you're looking for negative things in life and things are not working out for you.
::Then you will find proof of that. But if actually you go out with a more positive frame of mind and look for positives, then you will actually find them you will find.
::I was.
::I think our thoughts are like a torch.
::You know, whatever you're thinking, you shine a torch on. So if you're thinking yes, possibility and options, then you'll see stuff and think ohh that might work for me. And if you're thinking ohh nothing ever works for me. I'm not gonna get any luck here.
::Things don't happen, do they? You don't know. You don't find that car parking space? No, but I think the other thing that I would like to just chat about is remembering. And again, it's all stuff I say all the time, but remembering if you are going to show up in your own life.
::In the version of your life that you want to create, so we've got the things we're focused on, the things that we.
::Want to have in your life? That means opportunities will come. I think the other thing that I think is really important for us to say here is if you are going to be taking a bigger step, a small step, I don't care what size the step is, whatever it is that you're trying to.
::Leave it may fail and probably will fail. Uncomfortable.
::Because if you are comfortable.
::It means you're not stretching. It means you're inside your comfort zone. There's nothing new there so often. I'm working with people and reminding them that something that they're talking about doing sales a bit. Ohh, I don't know. Can I do it right? That just means you're on the edge of your comfort zone.
::Yeah, and that is a place that we've got to get more comfortable being, otherwise we just stay the same. We we will be doing the same thing with different day.
::Absolutely. And and I love the way that you describe that on the edge of your comfort zone because that I, I I feel it. I feel it in the same way and and and I I look at it as though it's it's a breakthrough. You know I get a mixture of of fear and excitement.
::All mixed up together and when I get that feeling and I and it's like ohh my goodness. You know you.
::Just think ohh.
::And it's would be so easy to turn around and go the other way. But actually because I've got this vision off to the right hand side, I just keep thinking, well, that's the next step. And I'm not gonna get the end down unless I take that next step. So you just and I force myself to just get through it obviously be kind to yourself as well. But, you know, just just take the step.
::Make that breakthrough and ohh my goodness, the reward actually having done.
::That yeah, yeah.
::It's brilliant, isn't it? I mean, I think this is the thing we we don't like discomfort. We don't like fear. We don't like to feel unsettled. We don't like to have uncertainty. Human brain is a certainty making machine.
::But if you're gonna do something new fresh, there is no reference. So guess what? It's gonna feel a bit uncomfortable. You're going to have feelings of uncertainty, of fear. Even you might feel very vulnerable, but.
::In that moment of just pushing yourself in that comfort zone, you're being courageous. You're pushing yourself. And guess what will be something fresh.
::And new at the other.
::Side.
::Yes, definitely. Definitely.
::Very rewarding. Yeah, I think so. And I think that's the thing that, you know, one of the things that really stands out for.
::Me with this conversation is is to remember that you are going to feel uncomfortable, so of trying to avoid that feeling of discomfort.
::Yeah, it's, it's something, yeah, go.
::I was just gonna.
::Say I know that it's the right thing when.
::I get that feeling.
::I've just learned that that's with that feeling comes.
::It it's an acknowledgement that it's definitely the next thing to do. Yeah, you know. But it's not just a little thing to do. I would say as well, it's not. It's recognised that this isn't a little thing to do, that this is actually quite a big step. It's a big step in my learning journey. It's a big step in.
::Overcoming, maybe even some limiting beliefs or over.
::I mean some confidence issues or you know the first time I stood up and gave a a speech or the first time I stood and and did some, you know, motivational work or the first time I got on stage every first time called brings with it this feeling and then you only.
::Need to do it once.
::And the next time.
::It it, it's just so much easier.
::And that's it. That's it. You can look back on life. You know, I always.
::Remind people that.
::You might be nervous about doing something new tomorrow, but look at all the times that you've already done all those breakthroughs so hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them.
::And actually just knowing how to manage them so that you can.
::And kind of show up in a different way, but I think something that I think is really useful to remember here is we're kind of talking about big goals here. So potential breakthroughs, big things that you want to achieve, you might wanna leave a job, you might wanna leave your relationship. You might wanna do something brand new and crazy.
::But we're also talking about just day-to-day.
::Yeah, yeah. And it's that balancing between having that bigger vision and knowing that it's the right thing for you. You know, I I was the same. I left the NHS after 24 years. I didn't really have much of an idea of what it was all gonna look like, but I just knew they needed to do it. But then in between, there's that day-to-day activity.
::That's going on that we need to kind of get right as well. So for me, it's that I've got sort of that vision of looking at your steps.
::Up into the sky, where my big goals might be, and and you might get to one set of steps and then oh, there's another set because hopefully you've got something else to go. But then in that day-to-day choices setting your intention, thinking about it, knowing it's going to feel a bit uncomfy and it's just all this what I notice with people.
::Is all that noise they think is their own capacity their own?
::Possibilities and it's.
::Not, it's just.
::The way that we are wired.
::Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
::And and what I what what I again focusing on success and and just those little micro wings I think you I've heard you use that word before and you know in our day setting a setting a good intention for the day and celebrating our successes throughout the day.
::And you know, I've just got into the habit of writing down the things that I do in a day.
::You might wonder, well, why what's the point in that, you know. But as I as I do things, I just write it.
::Ohh and so I already plan, I already I already have my appointments in my diary and the list of jobs that I've got or would like to do when I take those off, so it's not that that I'm writing down, but it's the extra things that I'm doing so that at the end of the day, instead of looking at the To Do List, which is still massive and will never be completed.
::You know, I can actually look at the day that I did do and think, wow, look at that. That was amazing. I've done all of that. Let's celebrate that success.
::You know in all those micro wins and all the extra bits that I've done and everybody I've fitted in and spoken to and all the big chunky work I've done, you know, it's, I've I've, I'm really celebrating that because.
::And I I think we should always keep looking at what?
::We've done definitely. I know we.
::Have to look at, you know, and focus on moving forwards, but just keep focusing on what you've done.
::And celebrate what?
::You've done and then take and then.
::Look at the next just the next.
::Step. Yeah, I love.
::That I think that's your motivation, really. That's where your motivation comes from. To keep going is is to be able to pause and say I've achieved these things. So I'm a big fan of it today list not a.
::To Do List.
::Yeah. And the Today list, it helps the mind so, so much, because it means you'd be realistic.
::You look at what else is going on in terms of what you're gonna set, your intentions are, and then of course you get your ticks, your realistic ticks, but also your real strong sense of today was a good day. And you know, we need that as children are.
::Least. But for everything that they do.
::All day long.
::And then as soon as they become adults, we.
::Don't have any of that so we've got to do it ourselves.
::We do and we and we never do we it's it's something that we consciously should be doing and it's something that I I advocate for everybody to do you know just get written down what you've done and and give yourself.
::That's on the.
::Yeah, high five yourself, definitely. I think otherwise. We're too focused then on all the shoulds or the pressure, the things that you've made-up in your head. I mean, I talk about this quite a lot in this podcast, you know, sort of the the thoughts that we have.
::Have that are causing us great big load of hassle. Yeah, and for me it's the choices that we need to make.
::Yeah. And I I believe that we are exactly where we need to be right now. Whoever we are, wherever we are, we are exactly where we need to be, right.
::Now and you know we're here as a result of everything that's gone before and today we can choose to do something different tomorrow.
::Well, but celebrate where we are today because.
::We are who we.
::Are because of what's happened and where we.
::Are you know so?
:: ::I find a sense of calm when I actually say that to myself. You know, I am exactly where I need to be right now. It actually makes me feel calm.
::Yeah, you know, it's quite nice. Yeah, I think some people struggle with that because if they are in a space that's not good, not a healthy space.
::And for me, I would always help them, then be able to think, OK.
::What? What am I not doing in this space? That's good for me. What am I doing? Too much of? That's not good for me, because otherwise we do feel quite, quite trapped and quite stuck. And obviously that's something that isn't a good space to be in, but there's usually something that you're doing.
::You know any situation that actually is causing you more of a problem than the actual situation and that's the bit that I feel we have choices and control over that then changes up the outcome.
::Yeah, yeah.
::But I think.
::You know, I I genuinely believe that too. Pam, I think you know, all things happen for a reason. Yeah, the good, the bad and the indifferent. Yeah. And being able to pay attention to maybe the why, which I.
::I love to help people stay curious as to why they might be in this situation. Why might this be happening for you right now? And there's usually something really meaningful that's that's being brought to their attention and sometimes that can come from your physical body. Sometimes that can come from your mind.
::Sometimes that comes from your behaviours in the way that you are doing things.
::And to ask the question what do I need right now to get to?
::This place that I would like.
::To be yeah. And I think that can be really that drill down. What do you need today? What do you need right now also in the summer this morning and you know what she needed to do was actually take a day off.
::You know, it was as literal as that it was. She was tired. She was not sleeping very well. Not in not feeling like she was performing to her best ability. And actually she had a course.
::To she was trying to do as well as her work, and she actually just realised I just need to.
::Take the pressure off myself and take some time.
::Off and and then when I asked her how you feel now.
::She's like relieved. Ohh.
::Yeah, and that's what she will need.
::To do is what do.
::You need right now to be able to get yourself out of this, and it isn't necessarily an answer to the big questions. It's just that.
::Right now, and that's where your motivation lives. That's where your kind.
::Of good stuff lives.
::And I think sometimes when we're running faster and faster and faster and faster and we can feel ourselves going at this pace, but it's not letting up and it's just going faster.
::I think in my experience the best thing for me to do is just.
::To stop and step off.
::And and walk away, actually, you know, and go for a walk or go and, you know, go out for a couple of hours or, you know, go and do something to.
::To switch.
::To to switch off all this action, you know, I mean I I I'm, you know have these goals and I'm working towards them and and you know sometimes you can just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing and that just gets just louder and faster and quicker and and actually in that space as well you're not allowing things to happen to you.
::You you're forcing the issue all the time, so there are things that are gonna come to you naturally.
::And if you're pushing too hard, you're not. And trying to control things too much, you're not allowing things to come to you. So just by stepping your way, it actually allows things to to come to you as well.
::I love that. I think that's so important, isn't it? Cause. Yes, we keep keep focused on. What we'd like or work out what we'd like first, then keep focused on it. But sometimes we just need to be. Don't.
::And just allow some things to just take. Yeah, because otherwise it will feel like you are literally relentlessly pushing and pushing and nice. Yeah, but itself quite tiring. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
::Thank you so much for coming and sharing your thoughts and your wisdom with us, Pam.
::Really enjoyed it. Thank you.
::Brilliant. So we've got all your.
::Details in the show notes that people can find you, but I'd love you to tell everyone quickly about your cafe.
::Ohh yes so so I run the Universe Cafe which is a pop-up cafe. It's in north Manchester in Rochdale, once a month and and I also run a a weekend retreat with that twice a year.
::And the principle is that regardless of who you are, your age, your gender, or your background, you can be doing.
::Whatever you want with a a clear vision, a planning, you take action and that it, you know it is. It's if you were to find it on Facebook. It's called Law of attraction. Hyphen, Manchester, UK hyphen, the Universe cafe and we talk about the law of attraction how we can make it work for us. How can we can manifest.
::And and and how you know we we we incorporate all of that into our into our vision, our goals and and you know get the universe to help us get there quick.
::So we we all share synchronicities, it's, it's really good fun, great atmosphere. Lots of people come and it is a workshop and people come and work on their own own things. And there's been some amazing things happen with the people in the group.
::Aw I love that.
::Brilliant and nice ending. Nice positive ending for this episode. Brilliant. Thanks so much, Pam.
::Thank you.
::In next week's.
::Episode, and I'm actually going to share the space with my very good friend Naomi Victoria.
::And she and I.
::Are going to talk about Christmas.
::But we're going to talk about the fact that it doesn't have to be perfect. So I hope you can.
::Join me then.
::Thank you for listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth. Remember, you can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last question to you is, what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode?
::Message me on Instagram or through our.
::Website with questions you'd like.
::Me to explore.
::You'll find the links in the show.
::Notes. I'll be back with more tools and tips to make sense of your mind in the next step, though. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Bye for now.
