The black sheep of the family is often labeled the problem, the difficult one, the source of conflict. This episode makes the case for the opposite: the black sheep is typically the family member who refused to keep playing a role they never agreed to, in a system built around appeasing a narcissistic parent or sibling. Lorin breaks down how toxic family systems assign functions rather than allow individuality, why the golden child's praise is really self-praise for the narcissistic parent, and why stepping out of an assigned role triggers punishment rather than resolution. He walks through the common trap of trying to repair the relationship without real accountability from the other side, the "glass box" experience of being unheard, and the grief that follows once someone finally stops fighting to be understood. The episode closes with a reframe: losing false belonging is what makes real belonging, to yourself and to a tribe that values truth over compliance, possible.

Mentioned in this episode:

Healing Your Relationship with the Masculine
A 4-week immersive program for women

The Core Method™
The trademarked, unique and universal coaching framework for deep transformation

On a biological level, this desire to belong is so primal.

It's one of our deepest needs.

To be accepted somewhat, to belong somewhat.

So when you are the black sheep, you are cast out by the family system.

Maybe not immediately, but once certain people, and specifically the narcissistic family member or parent realizes that that you are no longer going to fulfill your role that was assigned to you, that you never agreed to, you will be cast out as punishment.

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

My name is Lorien Crenn and I help people get to the core of their deepest challenges in relationships, purpose, and life.

Masculine and feminine dynamics are not about gender.

Every one of us carries these energies inside us.

And when these energies are wounded, they impact our relationships.

They impact our ability to receive and create abundance and to step fully into our soul's calling in this life.

When we heal the masculine and feminine inside us, we create deeper relationships, more abundance, and step into our soul's calling.

I do this work through my trademarked coaching mythology, the Core Method.

It allows you to reach the core of any challenge in your life in the shortest amount of time possible.

If you haven't subscribed yet, subscribe now so you never miss an episode.

The black sheep is often labeled as the problem maker, the difficult child.

Whereas in truth, they are simply the one who refuse to participate in a toxic family dynamic and system.

What is a toxic family system?

It is one where each child or family member has a specific role and function that they need to fulfill.

For instance, they need to appease or validate or regulate a certain family member.

Perhaps a narcissistic father, a narcissistic mother, or a narcissistic sibling who dominates and controls the family somehow, psychologically and emotionally.

Rather than being loved and cherished for who you truly are, you're only here to serve a function.

A narcissistic parent or sibling or family member has a very fragile sense of self.

Instead of viewing you or others as separate and other people with their own inner world, desires, wants and needs, you are an extension of them.

They see you as belonging to them.

You are there in order to provide them something.

There is no separation between you and them.

So when you no longer fulfill that role, which is unfair and doesn't allow you to be who you truly are, then the toxic family system will push back in order to restore the function that you once create, provided.

Where there is a black sheep, there often also is a golden child.

Now, the golden child is the one who does everything right in the eyes of the narcissistic parent or family member who controls the toxic family system and dynamic.

The golden child gets praised because the narcissistic family member is praising themselves.

Because by praising the golden child, it has nothing to do with true love, true admiration, true respect and care and everything.

With being proud of the extension they have built of themselves as the black sheep, as the one who stepped out of fulfilling that function or is on that journey of no longer being in that role that drains your soul, that doesn't allow you to be who you truly are in this life.

It can be incredibly hard to understand why you get punished for speaking your truth.

Why you get punished for setting healthy and understandable basic needed boundaries.

Why you are asserting yourself and your rightful space and belonging in this world without someone else's control or narrative or belief system that or story that they have created about you.

It doesn't make sense.

Why do you get punished for being the one who's truthful?

Why do you get punished for calling something out that is dysfunctional and unhealthy?

Why do you get punished?

Punished as the healthy one, the sane one, the one who actually says, wait a moment, what is going on?

This is not right.

I can tell you exactly why.

There are two reasons you get punished.

Number one, because you no longer fulfill that role that creates a narcissistic injury.

What is a narcissistic injury?

It's when the narcissistic family member or parent realizes that they're no longer getting that validation, that admiration or whatever it may be from you.

So it hurts, hurts their self image.

Underneath there is so much insecurity, there is such a fragile sense of self.

So now they might get very aggressive or they might try to get you back by threatening you, threatening you by withdrawing their love or whatever it may be, they will show up in potentially in a very cold hearted way or by playing the victim to try to get you back in to fulfill that function.

Is which, whether it's the victim, which is a covert or more aggressive way, which is an overt way, both fulfill the purpose of getting you back into that role that has been assigned to you, which is not something you ever actually agreed to and you would ever agree to.

So that's why you get punished.

Now reason number two is because it is always easier to blame the one shining the light and holding a mirror to them, to the others or to that specific person.

Then it is to take accountability.

A family system that thrives on secrecy, a family system that thrives on gossip, negativity, on dysfunction and using Other people exploiting other people.

Yet each person fulfills a certain role in this system.

And for that person to pause and to truly reflect is this right?

Is quite hard.

Why?

Because in that moment, they no longer belong to the system.

So this is where it gets a little bit abstract.

But, but stay with me.

I'm trying to make this as practical as possible.

Every human being wants to belong, even if the system is dysfunctional.

It gives them some level of belonging.

Even when they're not fully met, they're at least getting some form of validation and whatever conditional love and connection they may receive.

So if you're the black sheep and you're calling these things out, especially if other family members get aware of it, they might not be narcissistic necessarily, but they might be flying monkeys.

What are flying monkeys?

They're the ones who do the dirty work, work for the narcissist, while believing they're doing the right thing, so to speak.

But underneath it is the desire to belong.

Underneath it is that desire to hold on to a fantasy of a healthy, loving family dynamic.

To let go of that, to really see through it, demands incredible courage.

Which is why the black sheep is the one who is almost always the more healed one, the more conscious one, the old, older soul, the more awakened one, the more healthy one.

They are the one who actually see through the dysfunction and are willing to give up this bullshit belonging for some form of conditional love, conditional safety and an illusion of connection.

That's a very hard thing to do.

It demands incredible courage.

And on a biological level, this desire to belong is so, so primal.

It's one of our deepest needs to be accepted somewhat, to belong somewhat.

So when you are the black sheep, you are cast out by the family system.

Maybe not immediately, but once certain people, and specifically the narcissistic family member or parent realizes that you are no longer going to fulfill your role that was assigned to you, that you never agreed to, you will be cast out as punishment.

Now, here is where most people get it wrong.

Because when you are going through the turmoil, when you are losing belonging, then something inside you might go, well, was it really that bad?

Or maybe they didn't mean it.

And then you try to step back or you try to repair that family dynamic, but now you are the one who's losing even more because they are gaining control over you.

Because basically you trying to re enter this, or maybe even apologizing for having basic needs and basic boundaries, right?

You should be apologizing, obviously not that sarcasm.

You should absolutely not be apologizing for basic wants and needs and desires and expressing yourself authentically.

But now some people, they apologize or they sugarcoat their truth, or they take certain things back that are just right that you express them.

It's right that you solve for dysfunction.

It's right that you called certain or one person out.

But if you do that, then what is going to happen?

That person or system or whatever it may be, or certain people, they can also form alliances, alliances with certain people within the family and work together against the other and create the narrative together.

This happens very frequently.

They will then have full control over you again.

And here is where it gets crazy.

If you are trying to make this work, if you get irritated, which is understandable because they provoke you, they cast you out, it's completely unfair.

But if you react immediately emotionally, then they will use it as proof of the story that they've already created about you, that you are the toxic one.

So you are escaping a toxic family system, but you will be called toxic.

And then when you react emotionally because you're provoked and you get irritated, understandably so, because it's completely unfair and unjust, then people will say, look, look how emotional, emotional they are.

Look, something is not right with them.

Look how calm I am.

And look how irrational they are.

So this is the great paradox, right?

And what do you do?

You let go of needing to prove anything, let that sink in.

You let go of needing to prove anything.

You accept that the narrative has already been formed, you understand?

But by trying to repair or.

Repair is possible, but only if the other person takes accountability.

In a toxic family system, people usually don't take accountability.

So if people really take full accountability, repair is possible.

But usually if you're a black sheep, you get cast out.

And they're narcissistic family members.

It's very unlike likely that they take true accountability.

So be mindful, it might just be an act.

But if you no longer.

If you no longer need to prove anything, then you are free.

And it's incredibly hard because your system, understandably so, will tell you this is unfair, this is unjust.

I need to assert my truth.

I need to.

I need to tell other people, I need to tell them it's wrong and all of that.

But the more, the harder you fight, the more you take the bait, the more you fall into the story that was already created.

This is very common.

A lot of people don't know about this, but the way narcissists work is an incredibly dark art, incredibly clever, but dark form of manipulation, where essentially you serve a specific function.

But once you no longer serve that function, they create a narrative and spin it in a way that every attempt of you to fight back will, to assert your own truth is going to just make you actually prove to the others that you are exactly that person who is who went crazy or the person who has got a problem or has got an issue.

You will further add proof.

So that false narrative, that is how dark, the dark arts of manipulation work, essentially.

So when you let go of needing to do anything, you will naturally go through a dark night of the soul because you have to move through this injustice and unfairness.

You have to move through all that anger that is inside you for your boundaries being crossed again and again and again.

It's like trying to speak to someone, but you're inside a glass box.

And whatever you're saying, no one is hearing it.

Everyone is just looking at you in that glass box, judging you and not hearing anything that you are saying.

So when you let go of that, you feel that anger.

Then when you start moving through that anger, or in waves intermittently, or after the anger grief comes through all that grief of you just standing in your truth and by that refusing to participate in a toxic family system.

It's not like you chose to be the black sheep.

It's not like you chose to be difficult.

It's actually just you being yourself.

But because your soul is more evolved, because you are more conscious, you being yourself shines that light.

And that light is your refusal to participate in this dynamic.

And all sorts of judgments will be placed upon you.

Judgments such as that you're irrational, judgments that such as you are ungrateful.

Judgments such as you are difficult.

You are creating problems that you are hurting people.

But in truth, you're just being in your truth.

You're standing in your light.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

You simply have refused to participate in a role that was never yours and that you never agreed to.

We understand now that when we fight back, we only take the bait and fall directly into the false narrative that created about us.

We understand now that trying to repair things if the others or the other person is not taking genuine accountability, is essentially you apologizing for your truth and your rightful boundaries, boundaries that every person deserves to have, that are basic needs essentially, that you are a human being separate.

You have your own desire, wants and needs, and you want to be accepted.

That is a basic human need in any sense of relationship.

It's basic.

It's not even.

It's not anything more than that.

We Also understand that once you do that, you move through a dark night of the soul, because all that unfairness, all that injustice, there will be so much anger.

Now, as you move through the anger, you will start to experience a deep grief, because underneath anger, there's a lot of grief and sadness, usually.

And allowing yourself to grieve, that process is a very transformative experience, but also very challenging experience.

So what is on the other side of it, on the other side of it is a blessing in disguise.

And no, I'm not going to downplay this.

I'm not going to say it's an amazing opportunity because it's extremely painful and I do not wish it upon anyone to go through this experience.

However, there is a blessing in disguise.

And the blessing is that when you no longer belong anywhere, you start to belong to yourself, to your own truth, and you start to find belonging in your soul family, in your soul tribe, your divine counterpart, the person you are in a relationship with.

New friends, new people around you who connect with you, who love you and accept you because of your truth, not because of an old function of you appeasing someone or you validating someone, or you being an extension of someone's fragile sense of self and image and status.

So you actually find true belonging, you find true connection.

You find true love.

Why?

Because you are forced to.

What is the alternative?

Going back into a toxic family system where you have to get back into the role in order to be loved, in order to experience connection?

But as we've established, that is not true connection.

That is not true love.

So that's one of the most powerful things a human being can ever go through.

It's super challenging, but you are forced to.

And that, in a way, if you look at it deeply and really sit with it, is a blessing.

Because the experience of having those around you who value you for who you truly are, these are your soul tribe.

These are the people you want around you.

With these people, you grow, you expand.

It nourishes your heart, it inspires you.

It fills your soul in the most, most beautiful way.

Also, you are forced to carve your own path.

This can be challenging because there might be financial challenges, there might be other challenges, but you are forced to walk your own path as a black sheep.

That gives you a sense of courage, a sense of internal resilience, resourcefulness and strength that most people simply do not have.

You had to say goodbye to something.

You had to choose your path and your truth fully and unapologetically.

There was no longer what?

No longer a Safety net.

Because the older your soul, the more awakened you are, the more you realize you would have anything, any pain in this life, ideally not, then going back and playing that painful role of the toxic family system and dynamic.

So you are forced to carve your own path.

And the skills, or more than skills, the values, the character, the soul building process that you undergo there is something that is, yes, super challenging, but also incredibly rewarding later in your life because you find out who you truly are.

And for the first time, perhaps, you are free in expressing your highest truth.

You are free in living an authentic life of alignment, where what you do in the external is in total alignment with the internal.

I want to read this to you, which I've wrote down before the episode.

Being the black sheep is only a curse if you think you need to solve it.

Salvage the relationship and prove yourself.

But it can turn into a blessing if you accept it and make peace with it.

And then walk your path fully, courageously and unapologetically.

A powerful mantra I want to give you here.

If you're going through this or have gone through this, wherever you are in your stage of being the black sheep, being the outcast, being the cycle breaker, speak with me out loud or silently, depending on where you are.

I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am.

The universe knows who I am.

My path is blessed.

I am now free to be me.

And take a deep breath into your heart one more time.

I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am.

The universe or God or spirit knows who I am.

My path is blessed.

I am now free to be me.

Just feel into the relief or the sense of liberation.

Even if it's only a very short experience you may have, just feel into that.

Because that relief is your soul exhaling.

That relief is the sensation of having let go of the unfairness, injustice, need to prove yourself, need to show that you are right, make things right or whatever.

It's you being at the peace, it's you accepting that part of your soul assignment is to be the black sheep, to be the outcasts.

And that it's all part of a deeper initiation into you walking your path and fulfilling your soul's mission and journey fully.

And not just your mission, but also that it connects you with the right people, your true tribe.

So if you see it from this perspective, it makes everything so much easier.

If you're going through this right now, wherever you are in that stage, whether you're still trying to make it work, or whether you're already the outcast and you're receiving so much venomous projections on you from people, from flying monkeys or narcissistic family members.

No.

That if you go through with this, if you make the choice to never ever go back to that role, to that weight on your shoulders, to that shrinking for some breadcrumbs of false connection and love, know that if you make that choice, what awaits you on the other side is a false of love, is a form of freedom, is a form of connection, and is a form of joy and liberation that most people never experience.

Yes, others might have it easier by being in a great family or coming from a family where at least people were more conscious or more accepting or more loving.

But these people might not walk, and it's not about comparison.

But these people might not have the same hunger and moving.

Most cases do not have the same hunger to step into their calling, to step into their truth fully.

They don't have the same hunger that you do.

They don't have the same drive that you do.

And we need that drive.

We need that hunger in order to create the life that we are truly meant to live.

Filled with meaning, filled with the right people, filled with love and abundance and being in our truth and being in total alignment with our soul.

That is the blessing.

Now what do you choose?

Do you choose to see it all as unfair?

If you stay there, you will get stuck.

Do you choose to try to salvage it and put the burden on your shoulders even though the others have not taken any sense of accountability?

You will feel stuck?

Or do you accept or start the process that this is path of a deeper soul's journey and that yes, it is incredibly hard, but what awaits you on the other side is something that your soul has been waiting for, is that your soul is destined to experience the saying of the universe.

Spirit God, the Great Mother gives the most challenging lessons to the strongest or most awakened souls.

Gains a completely new meaning when we talk about the black sheep and being the outcasts.

But I believe this is one of the areas where this phrase applies the most.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

Thank you so much for watching, for being here.

It's a true honor to serve you on your path.

If you haven't subscribed yet, subscribe now so you never miss an episode.

Thank you.