Shownotes
Episode Description:
Menopause and people pleasing are more connected than you think. Learn how hormonal shifts fuel emotional overload—and how to reclaim your voice, boundaries, and peace.
In this powerful episode of Doing Life Different, host Lesa Koski is joined by therapist Dr. Becky Whetstone for an honest, empowering conversation about the emotional toll of people pleasing—especially during perimenopause and menopause. If you're tired of saying yes when you mean no, exhausted by invisible expectations, and ready to finally feel free in midlife, this episode is for you.
We explore the deep connection between fluctuating hormones and heightened emotional reactivity, where people pleasing comes from, how to identify it in your relationships, and—most importantly—how to stop. Whether you’re navigating aging parents, grown kids, grandkids, a partner, or a career, it’s time to embrace your enoughness and stop living for approval.
Timestamps:
(00:00) Welcome and what’s coming up in the episode
(02:31) How menopause messes with your emotions
(06:52) Where people pleasing starts (childhood trauma + core wounds)
(10:04) People pleasing in family, work, and faith
(13:36) How boundaries help you heal
(17:45) Lesa’s breast cancer journey and spiritual growth
(22:10) Saying “no” without guilt
(25:42) Healing your nervous system after people pleasing
(29:50) Faith, value, and who God says you are
(33:15) Coaching your inner child (and your mom!)
(36:21) Practical tools to stop people pleasing today
(41:10) Final thoughts and next steps
Key Takeaways:
- Hormonal shifts during perimenopause and menopause impact emotional regulation, making people pleasing even harder to resist.
- People pleasing is a trauma response, not a personality trait—it’s often rooted in childhood fear of rejection.
- Boundaries are the cure: Learn to say no, feel your feelings, and stop fixing people who didn’t ask for help.
- Faith meets psychology: God didn’t design you to live for approval. You’re already enough.
- Healing is possible at any age—whether you're 40, 50, or 81, it's never too late to embrace your authentic self.
Guest Bio:
Dr. Becky Whetstone is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and speaker known for her direct, humorous, and faith-anchored approach to emotional healing. A self-proclaimed “recovered people pleaser,” Dr. Becky helps women break free from emotional entanglements, trauma cycles, and perfectionism to rediscover joy and autonomy.
Resource Links:
- 💻 Connect with Dr. Becky: MarriageCrisisManager.com
- 📥 Join Lesa’s newsletter: lesakoski.com
Transcripts
If you are struggling with unwanted emotions and people
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pleasing more than ever before, I
want you to know you are not alone.
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You are in the right place to learn tools
to help you, and this just makes sense.
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I just wanna remind you, we
just had a podcast and we
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talked to all things hormones.
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So when we're going through perimenopause
and menopause, estrogen and progesterone,
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the two primary sex harm hormones.
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Start to fluctuate and this
directly affects our brains.
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You're not crazy.
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And go back to Tuesday's episode
and learn how you can work to kind
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of regulate tho those hormones.
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But it's gonna ha happen.
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Friends, it happened to me
and I'm, you know, learning.
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Through it, and it does
become a blessed event.
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So you're in the right place today.
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I have Dr.
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Becky Wetstone with us, and we are going
to talk all things, um, people pleasing.
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And so we're gonna kind start
out with where it comes from.
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Why are we doing this?
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Because in my journey.
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Understanding why I was a people
pleaser, helped me to forgive some
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things and and overcome them, and
really look at those core wounds.
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So then we're gonna look at people
pleasing in our relationships,
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in our work, in our faith, and.
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Finally tools.
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Tools that are gonna
help us overcome this.
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People pleasing because the reason I'm
talking about people pleasing, it's one of
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my favorite topics because it's something
that I have really struggled with.
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So, um, you know, I just want this episode
to help you embrace your enoughness.
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It's a good one.
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Thanks so much for being here.
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Speaker 2: Dear Dr.
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Becky, I'm so thankful that
you're here today talking
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about all those crazy emotions.
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Some of them unwanted those feelings
and really delving into people
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pleasing with you today, and that
has been something that I have.
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Struggled with a big, big component, and
I feel like I'm making some breakthroughs,
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so I, I'll throw in my little 2 cents.
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And you just give us your
expertise as you always do.
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We're so thankful to have
you back with us, Dr.
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Becky Westone.
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Um, all your information's
in the show notes.
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I think my listeners know you, um, and
they love listening to all your advice.
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Speaker 3: Well, how lucky am I to get
to come on your show more than once?
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This is such a, I'm so humbled and
thankful for you having me, and just
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wanna say hi to everybody out there
because I'm sure you are listening.
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Because you want to have
a better relationship with
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yourself and with others.
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You wanna be happier.
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And, uh, and people pleasing
is one of the most common
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obstacles, especially for women.
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But believe me, men have it too.
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Some men do.
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Um, it, it's a very, very, very
common emotional disability.
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That we take on at a very young
age, um, due to childhood trauma.
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And I will say that I was raised by a
southern belle in Arkansas who had no
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self-esteem, no self-confidence, and she
raised me to be a world class pleaser.
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So I was very conditioned to be a pleaser.
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And in my twenties started having
depression and panic attacks.
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Really debil debilitating panic attacks
to the point where I couldn't get off
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the couch sometimes, even if dinner
was in the oven, I would sit there and
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let it burn, and so I went to therapy
for the first time and guess what was
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causing my depression and anxiety?
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People pleasing.
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People closing.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I, yeah, I think,
um, that's a huge, huge part of
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my anxiety as well, and learning
as I take steps to heal it.
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And it's not all happened at once.
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Um, but as I take steps to overcome it.
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Boy, my life feels freer
and it feels more peaceful.
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And so that was gonna be my first question
is like, where does this stem from?
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So yours came, you, you say traumas,
yours came from your, your southern bell.
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I had no, no, no.
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The, the trauma
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Speaker 3: of not feeling
good enough as a child.
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Yeah.
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The, the pleaser personality
is a compensation that we all
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make that become pleasers.
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Um, it, the, the idea is you're born
yourself, and then we're influenced
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by our families and our culture.
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And pretty soon we see their
expectations are pretty high of us.
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And so we decide we're not good enough.
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And there's ground zero for
childhood trauma is the decision
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that you're not good enough.
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And so most of us go, well, I'm
screwed because I'm not good enough,
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so I'm gonna have to compensate and
find a winning plan that so that
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I can avoid rejection, hurt, pain.
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Mm-hmm.
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And so one of the most common.
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Adaptations or compensating behaviors
that people take on is people
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pleasing, and the others most common
ones are perfectionist, overachiever.
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Um, rescuer, caretaker, um, but you know,
Carl Young, the psychologist, wrote about
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how people have, um, an authentic self.
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That's the real you.
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Mm-hmm.
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As, and then we have
the persona that is a.
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And an absolute actor, you
know, you're playing a role
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and the pleaser is the persona.
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Mm-hmm.
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As is the overachiever
and all those others.
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So as long as you live in your
persona, you will never be
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content happy, um, and have peace.
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Period.
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I mean, it's an absolute disability
that needs to be eliminated.
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You said you're in the
process of eliminating it.
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I wanna come over to
your house and just tear
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Speaker 2: down.
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I've, I've huge progress.
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But you know what's so interesting, Dr.
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Becky?
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Is that when, when you said
people pleasing perfectionism.
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I think I'm all of those.
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I think I did all of those.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Oh, I've taken tests that have told me
that, so, so I'm like, okay, well now
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this is all starting to make sense.
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And I lived in fight or flight
and you know, just always
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trying to be somebody else.
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I didn't even ever really
look at who's Lisa?
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And you wanna know something
really crazy that I'm learning.
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I'm kind of carefree and goofy.
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Oh yeah, that fits a lawyer.
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Speaker 3: Look at me.
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I'm, you know, I'm a mental health
therapist and I'm carefree and goofy.
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Yeah.
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My dad used to tell me, if you
don't get serious, start an adult,
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you're never gonna get a job.
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Speaker 2: Well, and I just
had to be that persona.
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Uh, I just want it to be impressive.
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And Goofy didn't fit that.
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And fun.
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And it was funny because I was, I went
through something where, um, I made a
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big step in realizing about the people
pleasing, realizing who I was trying
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to please and kind of moving past
it and forgiving it and moving on.
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And I, I came in from my barn office
and my two girls happened to be there.
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My one who's a doctor, mama
and my one who's in college.
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And I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel so good.
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I'm like.
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I'm like, carefree.
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And they're like, yeah, mom.
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Because when we think of
mom, we think of carefree.
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But I did sing on a
microphone that weekend.
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I mean, it really has held true.
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So I do want people to know.
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My life is changing.
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My life is changing because I'm beginning
to accept who I really am and love that.
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And I think, you know, I'm kind of
jumping ahead because I wanted to talk
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about how faith is interwoven in this,
but I get to be the person God created
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me to be and he created me this way.
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You know, and how fun is that?
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So I feel a little redeemed.
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Now I could go the other way and go,
just think what I could have done
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with my life if I hadn't spent all
my time, you know, trying to work
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to be in my head and people please.
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So, um, you know, it's time.
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I don't care how old it was cute.
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I was talking to my 81-year-old
mama and she, you know, she
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goes through the same stuff.
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And I, I'm like, you
want me to coach you mom?
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And she's like, okay.
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And she's really good
at naming how she feels.
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I'm like, well, how do you wanna feel?
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And she goes, I'm 81 years old.
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And I go, yeah, it's about
time you start feeling good.
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Speaker 3: Right.
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My mom lived to be 1 0 1.
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Oh my gosh.
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She was a people pleaser
till the day she died.
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She was not gonna change.
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No.
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However, the one person she
showed her true self to was me.
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And so a lot of people couldn't
understand why I didn't enjoy her
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company very much 'cause she was very
negative and complained all the time
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and griped and told me how she hated
this person and hated that person.
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But to her friend, she was.
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A little angel that flitted
around the retirement home.
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And so people would go, Becky, you're
so terrible about how you feel.
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And I'm going, no, because she
unloads garbage on me and I can't.
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And, and I'm, you know, the
healthier I've gotten, the less I
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can handle negativity, you know?
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Yeah.
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And it really, you know, it weighs me
down like a lead apron at the Deni salt.
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You know.
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Speaker 2: Well, and I think what I
find, and so we're kind of jumping
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into, I did wanna talk about people
pleasing in relationships, and I
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think we're kind of jumping into that.
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One thing, Becky, that I have
realized is that as I've been
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growing and kind of seeing things
for how they are, I can detach.
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So I'm not carrying the heavy load of, or
thinking I need to fix the person who's
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maybe like your mom, negative how she was.
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So that feels real good.
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That feels real freeing.
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I mean, and I never thought
I wanted to be free.
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I didn't even realize that.
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But boy does it feel good,
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Speaker 3: you know, people don't
realize that trying to fix other people.
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Without their invitation is an
egregious boundary violation.
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We should not offer unsolicited
advice to other adults or try to help
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them or fix them unless they ask.
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But you know, a lot of people
rush in and they wanna help
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and give unsolicited advice.
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When I'm giving a talk about pleasing,
I will ask the crowd, how many of you
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gave unsolicited advice this week?
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Oh, everybody raises their hands.
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I know.
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And I go, well, you're all violator.
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You know, like we should.
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We we're supposed to be responsible
for ourself and our mind, body,
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spirit Health and other adults are
supposed to do the same for themself.
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As I tell my clients who like to,
who are very dysfunctional and
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they like to give advice to other
people ago, when you have perfected.
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You're, you know, all your,
you're not damaged anymore.
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You're completely functional
a hundred percent of the time
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and you got it all going on.
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Then you can start maybe
fixing other people,
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Speaker 2: right?
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00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:33,090
But it's
218
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:36,450
Speaker 3: just cracks for
how all these people who have.
219
00:12:37,485 --> 00:12:41,325
A lot of dysfunctional behaviors
themselves are out there offering
220
00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:43,845
advice to try to fix other people.
221
00:12:44,475 --> 00:12:46,155
It's a crazy world, Lisa.
222
00:12:46,215 --> 00:12:47,385
Speaker 2: It's a crazy world.
223
00:12:47,385 --> 00:12:52,755
I will say that I always appreciate
someone sharing their story.
224
00:12:53,490 --> 00:12:54,270
You know what I mean?
225
00:12:54,270 --> 00:13:00,060
Sharing the story of how they went through
something hard and came out on the other.
226
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:00,990
Right.
227
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,210
So that's kind of what I feel like.
228
00:13:03,210 --> 00:13:07,590
So you've been through the people
pleasing and you've been set free.
229
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,030
I'm kind of getting there.
230
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,190
You kind of make it sound like
you could clobber me over the
231
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:12,510
head and it might go away.
232
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:13,500
Is
233
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:13,890
Speaker 3: that true?
234
00:13:14,375 --> 00:13:15,065
Five minutes.
235
00:13:15,735 --> 00:13:16,665
Five minutes.
236
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,120
Because are you kidding?
237
00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:18,545
Being a people?
238
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,880
Being people pleaser is a choice.
239
00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:22,050
Right.
240
00:13:22,050 --> 00:13:22,800
It's a decision.
241
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,680
It's a decision, and I need
you to change your decision.
242
00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:35,940
I need you to, to really hone in on
and get in touch with who Lisa is
243
00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:40,380
and live true to her all the time.
244
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:45,630
A hundred percent 24 7, and value your.
245
00:13:46,155 --> 00:13:51,765
Wellbeing and your needs
over anything or anyone else.
246
00:13:52,155 --> 00:13:56,835
That doesn't mean that you're not gonna
be helping people anymore or all that
247
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:59,925
kind of stuff, but if you wanna help
people, you have to ask their permission.
248
00:14:00,555 --> 00:14:02,835
You don't just help without.
249
00:14:03,255 --> 00:14:07,545
Asking that like hardly
anybody understands appropriate
250
00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:09,465
human relations boundaries.
251
00:14:09,465 --> 00:14:11,265
And that's one of my
favorite subjects to teach.
252
00:14:11,265 --> 00:14:11,355
Mm-hmm.
253
00:14:11,655 --> 00:14:13,755
And you and I did a show about that.
254
00:14:13,785 --> 00:14:16,845
Speaker 2: We did go back and
listen, listen, I'll connect
255
00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:17,565
Speaker 3: to it in the show.
256
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,165
The premise is we're all adults
and we should be taking care
257
00:14:21,165 --> 00:14:23,265
of ourselves if we are able.
258
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,040
And no one should be taking care of me.
259
00:14:26,070 --> 00:14:27,330
No one should be taking care of you.
260
00:14:27,330 --> 00:14:28,650
You should be taking care of you.
261
00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:32,670
And so I'm, I've gotta
make sure I'm good to go.
262
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:38,250
And so that takes a lot of time and
focus to make sure I'm mind body
263
00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:41,430
healthy, you know, a spirit healthy.
264
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,640
And so that's a pretty big
plate right there for me.
265
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:49,620
And then, you know, after I'm
got myself and my needs met, then
266
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:51,300
whatever energy I have left over.
267
00:14:52,395 --> 00:14:58,785
I go, I can use for my career
or relationships or whatever.
268
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:02,535
But you've gotta understand
that that valuing your wellbeing
269
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:08,385
over other things is a, is the
holy grail for a healthy adult.
270
00:15:08,925 --> 00:15:13,215
So, so that means.
271
00:15:14,055 --> 00:15:18,465
Another person comes into the
pleaser and goes, Hey Lisa, I could
272
00:15:18,465 --> 00:15:22,845
sure you some help two weeks from
now to help me move some things.
273
00:15:23,265 --> 00:15:26,505
Would you be willing to
come over and do that?
274
00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:28,005
And you're thinking to yourself,
275
00:15:30,345 --> 00:15:34,095
I really have other things to do
for myself that I need to be doing
276
00:15:34,095 --> 00:15:39,975
that weekend and I don't want to,
I don't wanna help somebody move.
277
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:46,530
So you've got to value your
needs over what they want.
278
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,240
So you have to say, you know, pleasers
have to come up with little phrases in
279
00:15:51,240 --> 00:16:00,600
their pocket that are nice, so you're
not seen as a witch or surly, you know?
280
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,740
So we have to say things
like, oh, Marilyn, you know,
281
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,170
that sounds like so much fun.
282
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:13,200
However, I'm gonna be occupied that
weekend and I don't want people lying
283
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,090
to people and making up excuses.
284
00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:20,880
I think lying is a bad mojo, but if
you're, if you are maybe gonna be busy
285
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:25,890
two weekends from now doing something
that you need or want to do, and
286
00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:28,440
that's very important and valuable.
287
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:35,115
So you have to get in touch with yourself
and go, man, I don't wanna do that.
288
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:38,835
And then you've got to set
the boundary and say no.
289
00:16:39,075 --> 00:16:43,485
And then you're gonna find out
that people still love you and like
290
00:16:43,485 --> 00:16:47,445
you, um, when you aren't available.
291
00:16:47,445 --> 00:16:47,535
Mm-hmm.
292
00:16:48,285 --> 00:16:49,275
And it's wonderful.
293
00:16:49,455 --> 00:16:56,265
Here's the rule of thumb, don't say,
do not give up your inner peace.
294
00:16:56,775 --> 00:17:00,555
So someone else can have it, right?
295
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:06,224
I think we're, so, I tell, I tell clients
if, if your spouse or your husband
296
00:17:06,224 --> 00:17:12,555
or your, I mean your, your partner,
your friend asks you to do something
297
00:17:12,555 --> 00:17:13,935
and you don't really wanna do it.
298
00:17:14,595 --> 00:17:18,974
Um, and you realize if I say
yes, I'm gonna resent this.
299
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:23,055
If you're gonna resent saying
yes, then that is boundaries
300
00:17:23,055 --> 00:17:25,305
1 0 1 that you need to say no.
301
00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:31,890
And remember pleasers, come up with those
sweet little phrases in your back pocket.
302
00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:32,550
You know what?
303
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:34,110
My plate's just too full.
304
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:36,360
I cannot add another thing to it.
305
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:41,550
And something, one of my favorites
that everyone respects is they may be
306
00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:47,940
asking me to, um, you know, I don't
know, go to an event that I would
307
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:52,050
be uncomfortable going to, you know,
and I'll say, oh man, you know, um.
308
00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:54,720
That just wouldn't be healthy for me.
309
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,690
I just couldn't, I just couldn't
put myself in that situation.
310
00:17:57,690 --> 00:17:59,880
But you tell somebody that
something's not healthy for
311
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:04,110
you, um, then they go, oh, okay.
312
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:09,630
No one's gonna push and ask you to do
something that's unhealthy for you.
313
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,240
And I want you to think of
it like that for yourself.
314
00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:15,780
I don't want you putting
yourself in situations that.
315
00:18:16,545 --> 00:18:18,675
Are unhealthy for you, right?
316
00:18:18,675 --> 00:18:23,475
Your soul is sitting there behind your
shoulder going, don't take me there.
317
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:25,425
Don't say yes to that.
318
00:18:25,635 --> 00:18:27,855
Don't do this to me.
319
00:18:28,395 --> 00:18:34,605
Listen to that voice, right,
and, and value what you need
320
00:18:34,665 --> 00:18:36,165
over what the other person needs.
321
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:40,485
The other person's a grown, a
adult, they can figure it out.
322
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:46,680
And by the way, disappointment
never killed an an adult.
323
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,880
So, 'cause a lot of my pleasers go,
well I hate disappointing people.
324
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:51,540
Well you know what?
325
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:54,120
They're big boys and girls
and they can handle it.
326
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,160
I've been disappointed thousands of times.
327
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:56,820
How about you?
328
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:56,880
Yeah,
329
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:58,530
Speaker 2: for sure.
330
00:18:58,895 --> 00:18:59,610
For sure.
331
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:04,980
And you know, I'm thinking right now of,
I'm thinking of like family relationships.
332
00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:07,110
I think this is where.
333
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:12,330
It may be the most difficult for me.
334
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,960
Um, like you're thinking, you
know, you've got aging parents,
335
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,550
you've got grandkids, okay.
336
00:19:17,550 --> 00:19:24,810
So say one of them needs your help with
something and you have a workout class
337
00:19:24,810 --> 00:19:28,830
that you haven't signed up for yet
that you always enjoy going through.
338
00:19:29,130 --> 00:19:32,490
That gives me, I mean, I have
to sit and ponder that and I
339
00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:34,680
have to really think through.
340
00:19:35,355 --> 00:19:39,405
Because sometimes you go do something
that you didn't think you wanted to do,
341
00:19:39,405 --> 00:19:40,890
and it's way more fun than you thought.
342
00:19:41,985 --> 00:19:42,645
You know what I mean?
343
00:19:42,645 --> 00:19:45,495
Like how do you, like, how do we work
344
00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:46,275
Speaker 3: through that?
345
00:19:46,635 --> 00:19:51,885
Well, I just think you have to ask
yourself, um, am I gonna resent
346
00:19:51,915 --> 00:19:55,755
missing the workout class if I say no?
347
00:19:55,755 --> 00:19:59,955
Like some things are, like, if I get asked
to babysit, yeah, I might like to babysit.
348
00:19:59,955 --> 00:20:00,675
I might enjoy that.
349
00:20:00,675 --> 00:20:02,325
Or I may have no energy about it.
350
00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:03,165
Uh.
351
00:20:03,805 --> 00:20:07,225
Either I really want to, or I'm
neutral about it, but I'd be willing
352
00:20:07,225 --> 00:20:11,395
to, you know, and then in those cases,
when you feel that way about that
353
00:20:11,395 --> 00:20:14,005
thing, then you can go help somebody.
354
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:15,985
And, and that's great.
355
00:20:16,435 --> 00:20:20,135
But when you're feeling that
feeling in your chest that, oh, I,
356
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:26,605
I don't want, and then you say yes,
then you are sabotaging yourself.
357
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:27,295
Right?
358
00:20:27,295 --> 00:20:27,655
And that's.
359
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,770
When you do stuff like that,
that is literally the cause of
360
00:20:31,770 --> 00:20:33,750
depression and anxiety is right.
361
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,900
Your souls try to tell you
through a feeling in your body
362
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,670
that it doesn't wanna do that.
363
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:40,230
It's not comfortable with that.
364
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,620
You know why it doesn't wanna do
that, and why it's not comfortable
365
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:47,370
with that, because you're, because
it's not in line with who you are.
366
00:20:47,370 --> 00:20:47,460
Mm-hmm.
367
00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:49,470
And your souls.
368
00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:54,255
To, to persuade you to
be true to yourself.
369
00:20:54,585 --> 00:20:54,915
Speaker 2: Right.
370
00:20:54,945 --> 00:20:55,185
Okay.
371
00:20:55,185 --> 00:20:55,665
So, Dr.
372
00:20:55,665 --> 00:21:01,425
Becky, I like this because I feel like
I am at least getting to the point
373
00:21:01,515 --> 00:21:04,125
where I stop and I think about it.
374
00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:06,300
So I don't know.
375
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,790
I don't always know if
it's hell yes or hell no.
376
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:10,650
I just, I just don't always know.
377
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,240
Well, you may be neutral then.
378
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,100
It might be neutral.
379
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:14,520
Yep.
380
00:21:14,910 --> 00:21:21,930
And um, and I think what's interesting
is sometimes I think that I have a hard
381
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:27,120
time or if like there's a client, I'm
finishing up my divorces now, right?
382
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:31,320
Kinda move and along past that
I'll be doing some coaching and
383
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,420
if they connect with me and say.
384
00:21:33,975 --> 00:21:35,025
I can do it this day.
385
00:21:35,025 --> 00:21:39,885
I can't do it the day we were supposed
to and say it's a day that I had planned,
386
00:21:39,915 --> 00:21:45,645
like the weather looks nice and I had
planned to walk, I think dignam it.
387
00:21:45,645 --> 00:21:46,965
I don't want to.
388
00:21:47,910 --> 00:21:53,610
Say no to them because I can schedule
my walk anytime and what I'm learning
389
00:21:53,610 --> 00:21:58,620
is maybe I can, maybe I can say
no to get that walk in and maybe
390
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:00,660
there's a better time to fit them in.
391
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,280
Those are the things that are tricky.
392
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,170
It's not always black and white for me.
393
00:22:05,940 --> 00:22:10,890
Speaker 3: I just wonder if you're
telling yourself if some little
394
00:22:10,890 --> 00:22:14,850
negative voice is telling you that
your walk isn't that important.
395
00:22:16,065 --> 00:22:19,995
And for some people a walk
is the most important thing.
396
00:22:19,995 --> 00:22:20,085
Mm-hmm.
397
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:26,265
It's, they get so much spiritual
enrichment from a walk outside
398
00:22:26,805 --> 00:22:30,675
and you know, so I think you, you
know, are you telling yourself,
399
00:22:30,675 --> 00:22:33,585
oh, I can walk anytime I should.
400
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:34,380
Yes.
401
00:22:34,455 --> 00:22:37,035
Now you're shaming yourself, I should say.
402
00:22:37,035 --> 00:22:37,995
Yes.
403
00:22:37,995 --> 00:22:38,085
Mm-hmm.
404
00:22:38,445 --> 00:22:42,495
Well, you know, I want you to get
in touch with how important is
405
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,895
that routine to you, you know?
406
00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:45,220
Right,
407
00:22:45,705 --> 00:22:45,975
Speaker 2: right.
408
00:22:46,005 --> 00:22:46,725
Okay, so now I.
409
00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:49,710
I just brought in work.
410
00:22:49,710 --> 00:22:52,080
So we were talking
about relationships now.
411
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,920
I just brought in work how it, it is like,
I was like, oh yeah, I'm all cool there.
412
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:56,490
No, I'm not.
413
00:22:57,750 --> 00:23:01,800
I still, I still do struggle with
that and I do, I'm getting better.
414
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:08,040
Um, but it is, it's just, and there's
so much when we're, when we're our
415
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:13,260
age and, and beyond, because you do
have so many things and everybody
416
00:23:13,260 --> 00:23:15,120
thinks you're all this free time.
417
00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:22,050
You know, like I don't even, I can't even
imagine being retired because people are
418
00:23:22,050 --> 00:23:25,170
gonna be like, oh, you can come anytime.
419
00:23:25,890 --> 00:23:26,430
And it's like,
420
00:23:26,460 --> 00:23:31,020
Speaker 3: no, other people
do not get to decide.
421
00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:31,680
Right.
422
00:23:32,250 --> 00:23:35,220
You know, if, if they're perceiving
that we're not doing anything,
423
00:23:35,220 --> 00:23:37,380
that's not their time to plan.
424
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:38,640
Right.
425
00:23:38,670 --> 00:23:38,700
Okay.
426
00:23:40,305 --> 00:23:41,505
It's our time.
427
00:23:41,835 --> 00:23:47,265
And we have to remember, boundaries
are the security system that
428
00:23:47,265 --> 00:23:52,215
we have to protect ourselves,
and that includes our time.
429
00:23:53,055 --> 00:23:57,225
Speaker 2: So we can't talk about people
pleasing without talking about boundaries.
430
00:23:57,225 --> 00:23:57,765
Can we?
431
00:23:58,155 --> 00:23:58,455
Speaker 3: Oh.
432
00:23:58,455 --> 00:23:59,385
Oh, right.
433
00:23:59,385 --> 00:24:02,835
And, and people pleasers are terrible
at boundaries because they don't
434
00:24:02,835 --> 00:24:05,685
like to disappoint people and they
don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.
435
00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:10,185
But that just means to me that they're
valuing the other person over themselves.
436
00:24:10,185 --> 00:24:13,455
And I already told you, you're
the top of the totem pole.
437
00:24:14,085 --> 00:24:14,805
Okay, so Dr.
438
00:24:14,805 --> 00:24:15,075
Beck.
439
00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,060
Speaker 2: You're gonna
giggle at this one.
440
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,450
So, and I think I talked about
this in a saddle up segment.
441
00:24:22,110 --> 00:24:28,560
I, after we, we record it, our
boundary, um, session, our boundary
442
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:34,230
episode, I had reached out to someone
who I'm doing a little side work
443
00:24:34,230 --> 00:24:39,210
with, and I basically, and she's kind
of a friend, and I basically would
444
00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:41,070
do anything, you know what I mean?
445
00:24:41,070 --> 00:24:44,190
To like, make it work
and do what she thinks.
446
00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:45,505
Is a good idea.
447
00:24:45,745 --> 00:24:51,055
And I invited her to something that
seemed like a good idea and it was kind
448
00:24:51,055 --> 00:24:53,575
of, there was a little funny tch to it.
449
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,475
So I, you know, I left her a little
message and talked about how it
450
00:24:57,475 --> 00:25:05,395
was kind of funny and she just
very fired back at me that day.
451
00:25:06,535 --> 00:25:07,675
Doesn't work for me.
452
00:25:07,915 --> 00:25:08,335
Boom.
453
00:25:08,365 --> 00:25:08,755
The end.
454
00:25:08,815 --> 00:25:09,325
And I was like.
455
00:25:11,525 --> 00:25:14,910
It's like, okay, here's the thing.
456
00:25:16,050 --> 00:25:18,930
So that was teaching me
how to accept boundaries.
457
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:20,190
But you know what?
458
00:25:20,190 --> 00:25:26,880
It was really, really good for
It taught me why the hell am I
459
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,440
falling all over this person?
460
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,630
They're not falling off.
461
00:25:30,660 --> 00:25:31,110
You know what I mean?
462
00:25:31,110 --> 00:25:35,550
Why am I given life and limb
to try to make something work?
463
00:25:36,090 --> 00:25:37,535
And they're not, and they shouldn't be.
464
00:25:38,655 --> 00:25:43,095
But it was a really amazing
light bulb moment and I think
465
00:25:43,095 --> 00:25:44,565
like God kinda made that happen.
466
00:25:44,565 --> 00:25:47,895
And, but when it first happened
I was like, that was a line
467
00:25:47,895 --> 00:25:50,625
Becky gave us on the podcast.
468
00:25:53,625 --> 00:25:54,680
You using that on me?
469
00:25:57,930 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 3: Look y'all boundaries and
getting dismantling your pleaser are
470
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,970
the keys to joy, peace, and happiness.
471
00:26:05,970 --> 00:26:07,920
I don't know what else to help tell you.
472
00:26:08,190 --> 00:26:14,310
You cannot have joy, peace, and happiness
till you get this in order and start
473
00:26:14,310 --> 00:26:17,610
valuing yourself as the precious.
474
00:26:18,345 --> 00:26:22,995
Human and, and human gold bar,
uh, that's how valuable you are.
475
00:26:22,995 --> 00:26:24,765
You're big giant gold bar.
476
00:26:25,155 --> 00:26:29,085
And, and you have to manage
that gold bar's wellbeing.
477
00:26:29,745 --> 00:26:33,495
And you do that by setting boundaries
and being true to yourself.
478
00:26:34,035 --> 00:26:34,815
And that's it.
479
00:26:36,435 --> 00:26:41,385
And you know, and I also,
like all my wellbeing changed.
480
00:26:41,445 --> 00:26:47,055
180, I did a 180 from miserable
to completely content.
481
00:26:47,475 --> 00:26:53,535
By doing these things, look, it's
just like the reward is very clear
482
00:26:55,065 --> 00:26:58,245
and you're not doing anything wrong,
so don't let anybody tell you.
483
00:26:58,245 --> 00:27:03,345
And this is, I've written blogs about the
fact that when I started being true to
484
00:27:03,345 --> 00:27:06,825
myself and setting boundaries for myself.
485
00:27:07,515 --> 00:27:11,235
Certain friends and people started
saying, well, Becky's difficult.
486
00:27:11,835 --> 00:27:12,915
Becky's a bitch.
487
00:27:13,425 --> 00:27:18,645
Becky's, you know, Becky's,
you know, whatever.
488
00:27:19,155 --> 00:27:26,865
And when you set boundaries and people
can't control you anymore or squeeze juice
489
00:27:26,990 --> 00:27:31,905
out of you that you don't have anymore,
they're gonna judge you negatively.
490
00:27:31,905 --> 00:27:33,375
So just get ready for it.
491
00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:34,185
And guess what?
492
00:27:34,185 --> 00:27:35,235
I don't care.
493
00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:36,915
I do not care.
494
00:27:37,330 --> 00:27:40,150
What you, you think I'm a witch?
495
00:27:41,140 --> 00:27:49,780
My piece, uh, is more important
than anything else, and I'm
496
00:27:49,780 --> 00:27:51,310
not gonna let you take it away.
497
00:27:51,990 --> 00:27:55,650
Speaker 2: Well, and I think, I
mean, of course everyone who's
498
00:27:55,650 --> 00:27:59,100
listening to you and myself, like
we believe what you're saying.
499
00:27:59,130 --> 00:28:00,810
I know I'm a daughter of the king.
500
00:28:01,260 --> 00:28:07,290
I know how valuable I am, and I think
what can be tricky sometimes is we
501
00:28:07,290 --> 00:28:09,840
have these like neural pathways.
502
00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:15,210
It's like if you're not really buying
it, even though you know Right.
503
00:28:15,210 --> 00:28:17,215
Like I am sitting here with
you and I'm like, I know.
504
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:22,380
I am love, not because of what
I do, just because of I'm,
505
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,420
I'm here, I'm alive, I'm me.
506
00:28:25,380 --> 00:28:29,520
However, there's some, there's little
block blockages, you know what I mean?
507
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:35,700
And I think that it's, it can be deeper
and that is what I found in my journey.
508
00:28:35,700 --> 00:28:39,990
So I went through, I got
certified as a coach before I
509
00:28:39,990 --> 00:28:42,000
had that stage one breast cancer.
510
00:28:42,450 --> 00:28:46,350
And I think going through that.
511
00:28:47,265 --> 00:28:53,475
Taking that six months to just kind
of sit and quiet and rest and to go,
512
00:28:54,255 --> 00:28:58,065
this is deeper than, yeah, I know that.
513
00:28:58,665 --> 00:29:00,675
I, I can't change.
514
00:29:00,915 --> 00:29:02,565
I'm responsible for how I feel.
515
00:29:02,565 --> 00:29:03,225
I know that.
516
00:29:03,345 --> 00:29:04,275
I know that's true.
517
00:29:05,025 --> 00:29:12,165
And I know that I need to change a
thought or belief to change how I feel.
518
00:29:12,255 --> 00:29:14,385
And sometimes you just have
to feel for a little bit.
519
00:29:15,465 --> 00:29:15,945
Um.
520
00:29:17,490 --> 00:29:23,040
And yet still to this day, I'm getting
better at it because I'm digging a
521
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:27,330
little bit deeper going, I'm going
back deeper into what started this.
522
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:28,950
How important is that?
523
00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:31,950
Like I, I'm going deep
into where did this start?
524
00:29:32,010 --> 00:29:33,190
Is that, do you think
that's real important?
525
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:35,730
I
526
00:29:35,730 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 3: think that finding the link
between whatever dysfunctional thing is
527
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:49,740
going on now and linking it to themes
of the past is how you cure trauma.
528
00:29:50,220 --> 00:29:50,550
Speaker 2: Yeah.
529
00:29:50,595 --> 00:29:50,715
I.
530
00:29:52,395 --> 00:29:57,045
Speaker 3: You know, and so it's a,
something I have client, an exercise
531
00:29:57,045 --> 00:30:01,335
I have clients do is like, people
go, well, I don't have time, and
532
00:30:01,335 --> 00:30:02,715
I, I had a wonderful childhood.
533
00:30:02,745 --> 00:30:07,545
Oh, oh, please, you have thousands
of, I don't care what you say,
534
00:30:07,545 --> 00:30:09,165
you have thousands of traumas.
535
00:30:09,165 --> 00:30:10,455
And I, and I already know it.
536
00:30:10,815 --> 00:30:12,975
And, and the evidence number one.
537
00:30:13,830 --> 00:30:18,510
You had trauma in your childhood as
you took on, you decided at some point
538
00:30:18,510 --> 00:30:19,830
in your life you weren't good enough.
539
00:30:19,830 --> 00:30:25,620
So there's number one, but the
number one evidence is people say
540
00:30:25,620 --> 00:30:31,380
things or do things or refuse to
do things, and you get triggered.
541
00:30:32,250 --> 00:30:35,340
You, your nervous system gets activated.
542
00:30:35,340 --> 00:30:35,520
Your.
543
00:30:36,180 --> 00:30:41,790
Blood pressure goes up, your pulse raises,
and when that happens, when your nervous
544
00:30:41,790 --> 00:30:49,200
system gets activated because of what some
other person said or did or didn't do, you
545
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,620
just had one of your old trauma wounds.
546
00:30:53,550 --> 00:30:57,060
Pricked or stuck or punched
or whatever you wanna call it.
547
00:30:57,390 --> 00:31:03,330
And so I always ask clients, okay, so
you got triggered when your husband, uh,
548
00:31:03,630 --> 00:31:08,280
said that the kitchen looked terrible,
uh, when he came home from work.
549
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:12,540
So, so, so he criticized you for.
550
00:31:13,105 --> 00:31:17,605
You know how the house looked,
so let, let's find that theme
551
00:31:17,845 --> 00:31:20,125
from your childhood Yeah.
552
00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:25,585
And trace it back if the first, the
oldest memory you can possibly remember.
553
00:31:25,975 --> 00:31:30,235
And they'll, they'll say, oh, well
I used to be expected to clean the
554
00:31:30,235 --> 00:31:34,495
bathroom when I was a kid, and all they
did was come in and criticize me and
555
00:31:34,615 --> 00:31:36,895
tell me I didn't do it good enough.
556
00:31:37,105 --> 00:31:37,525
Okay.
557
00:31:37,525 --> 00:31:40,555
So that's your, I'm not good enough wound.
558
00:31:40,855 --> 00:31:40,945
Yep.
559
00:31:41,115 --> 00:31:46,155
It's still not healed, but when you can
draw the connection between what happened
560
00:31:46,155 --> 00:31:54,165
and the now back to, then somehow it
lessens that intensity and you may not
561
00:31:54,165 --> 00:32:00,075
feel it at all the next time, but you
but it, or you may feel it much less the
562
00:32:00,075 --> 00:32:03,525
next time when someone says, Hey, you
didn't clean the kitchen good enough.
563
00:32:03,705 --> 00:32:05,745
You're like, okay.
564
00:32:06,345 --> 00:32:07,065
So what?
565
00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:09,075
Right, right.
566
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:10,665
Rather than getting all in your
567
00:32:10,785 --> 00:32:11,115
Speaker 2: field.
568
00:32:11,475 --> 00:32:11,865
Yeah.
569
00:32:12,435 --> 00:32:17,265
Because we are responsible for how
we feel and so that, well, sure.
570
00:32:17,430 --> 00:32:20,715
So that, you know, you,
you, you get that awareness.
571
00:32:20,925 --> 00:32:23,475
So your husband says something
like that, that triggers you.
572
00:32:23,475 --> 00:32:25,025
And I go, and then I stop and I go.
573
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:29,730
Okay, this feels really
shitty where this is me.
574
00:32:29,730 --> 00:32:33,150
Whereas not that you wanna
be treated unkindly ever, I
575
00:32:33,150 --> 00:32:34,740
mean, that's a boundary issue.
576
00:32:35,100 --> 00:32:40,710
But if it's a trigger, um, then
I go, okay, how do I wanna feel?
577
00:32:40,710 --> 00:32:41,790
Where is this coming from?
578
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:47,760
And I even did some big work where
I went back and I sent all the
579
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:52,410
things that were done kind of wrong,
and I then I just kind of, mm-hmm.
580
00:32:52,530 --> 00:32:53,100
Um.
581
00:32:54,090 --> 00:32:57,810
I kind of gave that to God and
said, this is yours to judge.
582
00:32:57,870 --> 00:32:58,950
I forgive them.
583
00:32:59,730 --> 00:33:02,400
And it was like, that's
where I had my carefree.
584
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,410
That's where I went, woo.
585
00:33:04,410 --> 00:33:06,390
La la and, and Dr.
586
00:33:06,390 --> 00:33:06,660
Becky.
587
00:33:06,660 --> 00:33:11,970
I think it was so important for
me to hit that, um, milestone.
588
00:33:12,030 --> 00:33:13,315
I know like that, that.
589
00:33:14,100 --> 00:33:19,530
Uh, that little stage one cancer
scare was there for a reason.
590
00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:20,700
'cause I need it.
591
00:33:20,820 --> 00:33:22,860
There was so much I needed to learn.
592
00:33:23,475 --> 00:33:29,130
And, and, um, one of the things
was, I think that I thought I wanted
593
00:33:29,130 --> 00:33:33,480
to, when I did coaching, I was
like, I just wanna move forward.
594
00:33:33,810 --> 00:33:34,080
Yep.
595
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,820
I'm gonna change the way I feel.
596
00:33:36,060 --> 00:33:38,280
But what I didn't get was okay.
597
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:39,420
It's not quite that easy.
598
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:44,760
It's not quite that easy because I can't,
I think I can, and I think that it makes
599
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:48,660
sense, the things that I'm hearing, but
I do, that's where, isn't that kind of
600
00:33:48,660 --> 00:33:54,060
where therapy comes in, where you kind
of go back and you look at the past?
601
00:33:54,060 --> 00:33:55,240
Am I right there or am I wrong?
602
00:33:56,555 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 3: The themes.
603
00:33:57,270 --> 00:33:59,940
The themes of your past, you know?
604
00:33:59,940 --> 00:34:00,540
Yeah.
605
00:34:00,810 --> 00:34:04,860
You know, like, like, think about the,
I'm, I'm the youngest of five kids.
606
00:34:05,310 --> 00:34:10,260
The, my sister was 17 when I
was born, and she went off to
607
00:34:10,260 --> 00:34:11,909
college the year I was born.
608
00:34:12,449 --> 00:34:15,929
Um, and so, but, but here's the deal.
609
00:34:16,650 --> 00:34:24,870
I got no respect in my family as the
youngest child I was, I was dismissed.
610
00:34:25,574 --> 00:34:32,895
And, you know, disregarded as the baby
of the family for many, many decades,
611
00:34:32,955 --> 00:34:38,775
you know, and so imagine, you know,
when in your family you've just been
612
00:34:38,775 --> 00:34:43,335
treated as you don't matter for years.
613
00:34:43,364 --> 00:34:46,514
You know what that does
to psyche and self-esteem.
614
00:34:46,514 --> 00:34:47,565
So I think that.
615
00:34:48,225 --> 00:34:53,804
You know, understanding those kinds
of themes from your life will help
616
00:34:53,804 --> 00:34:58,995
you explain a lot of why you are
the way you are and to correct
617
00:34:58,995 --> 00:35:04,335
it because I overcame, right?
618
00:35:04,335 --> 00:35:06,705
My family's opinion of me.
619
00:35:07,710 --> 00:35:13,620
Even when I got my PhD, a couple
of 'em made sarcastic remarks to me
620
00:35:13,620 --> 00:35:16,830
like, oh my God, Becky got a PhD.
621
00:35:17,070 --> 00:35:18,360
That was the theme.
622
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:20,970
That, and how they
addressed me all the time.
623
00:35:21,180 --> 00:35:25,830
They had no respect for what I
had just pulled off, you know?
624
00:35:25,835 --> 00:35:26,175
Mm-hmm.
625
00:35:26,275 --> 00:35:26,495
And.
626
00:35:27,455 --> 00:35:31,625
But by that time I had done enough
therapy and enough studies and
627
00:35:31,625 --> 00:35:38,495
stuff to know, to see them as my
abusers and not having no basis.
628
00:35:38,495 --> 00:35:45,105
In fact, it had nothing to do with who
I am, my value or what I was capable of.
629
00:35:45,875 --> 00:35:46,175
Right.
630
00:35:46,175 --> 00:35:46,195
You know?
631
00:35:46,430 --> 00:35:46,780
Right.
632
00:35:47,015 --> 00:35:47,555
So let you know.
633
00:35:47,705 --> 00:35:53,255
Eventually I kind of outgrew my family
and kind of left them in the dust, and
634
00:35:53,255 --> 00:35:55,655
it just happened organically because.
635
00:35:56,250 --> 00:36:00,330
Who wants to be around a bunch of
people that talked about you in
636
00:36:00,330 --> 00:36:03,900
front of you as if you are a joke.
637
00:36:04,350 --> 00:36:04,620
Yeah.
638
00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 2: You know,
639
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:07,050
Speaker 3: which is their
theme is You're a joke.
640
00:36:07,830 --> 00:36:08,190
You know?
641
00:36:08,190 --> 00:36:13,080
And I'm like, okay, well I'm
gonna be more successful, uh,
642
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:17,190
than you in my joking, I guess.
643
00:36:17,430 --> 00:36:18,090
I don't know.
644
00:36:18,570 --> 00:36:18,870
Speaker 2: Yeah.
645
00:36:18,870 --> 00:36:19,080
But I
646
00:36:19,470 --> 00:36:22,320
Speaker 3: just kept tr
tru uh, trudging along.
647
00:36:22,875 --> 00:36:26,175
And, and not living by the um.
648
00:36:27,210 --> 00:36:31,740
The, um, stereotypes and labeling
that other people had put on
649
00:36:31,740 --> 00:36:35,970
me for years, I had to overcome
those things and break outta that.
650
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:36,750
Yeah.
651
00:36:36,930 --> 00:36:39,450
And not be that person for them anymore.
652
00:36:39,565 --> 00:36:40,890
Speaker 2: Right, right.
653
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:41,700
Okay.
654
00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:47,610
So I promised that we would give the
listeners some tools on how to embrace.
655
00:36:47,890 --> 00:36:51,340
Their enoughness and how to overcome this.
656
00:36:51,340 --> 00:36:56,290
People pleasing and I think, I think maybe
one is like being aware of it, right?
657
00:36:56,350 --> 00:36:57,880
And using your boundaries.
658
00:36:59,110 --> 00:36:59,620
Can you?
659
00:36:59,650 --> 00:37:00,040
Speaker 3: Yeah.
660
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:05,080
But the first thing, like, like, come on,
everybody, you've gotta make a decision.
661
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:11,320
Self-esteem as much as anything is a
decision that you have to make, that
662
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,230
you matter and that you're valuable.
663
00:37:15,105 --> 00:37:18,915
And when you start with that and you
realize that you are as important
664
00:37:18,915 --> 00:37:24,975
as anyone else equal to and value as
anyone else, anybody else, then you
665
00:37:25,395 --> 00:37:30,765
then and, and then it's your job to
keep you happy and healthy and thriving.
666
00:37:31,335 --> 00:37:36,255
Then maybe you'll stop throwing yourself
under the bus so other people can be
667
00:37:36,255 --> 00:37:38,295
happy or get what they want out of you.
668
00:37:38,775 --> 00:37:40,905
So I think valuing yourself.
669
00:37:41,835 --> 00:37:45,435
And just saying, you
know, like, I'm valuable.
670
00:37:45,435 --> 00:37:51,255
I, and, and value is not based
on weight or beauty or education
671
00:37:51,255 --> 00:37:53,415
or success or anything like that.
672
00:37:54,255 --> 00:37:59,745
You are a human dang being, and that is
the most valuable thing on the planet, and
673
00:37:59,745 --> 00:38:02,085
no one can ever take that away from you.
674
00:38:02,085 --> 00:38:03,555
It's not conditional.
675
00:38:04,275 --> 00:38:08,895
So if you can just accept that
about yourself and realize it, that.
676
00:38:10,065 --> 00:38:14,805
You have to manage your wellbeing,
so you've gotta stop giving up
677
00:38:14,805 --> 00:38:19,635
your power for other people when
you don't want to or when it's
678
00:38:19,635 --> 00:38:23,535
unhealthy for you or, or whatever.
679
00:38:24,795 --> 00:38:27,075
You're a grown adult, you're not a child.
680
00:38:27,075 --> 00:38:31,305
You don't have to do what other
people tell you to do anymore.
681
00:38:33,855 --> 00:38:38,235
Speaker 2: Okay, so maybe it could be
kind of this, this thing that I've used
682
00:38:38,235 --> 00:38:40,695
sometimes is like my, my future self.
683
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:45,465
So I wake up in the morning and
I go, okay, today I'm a woman.
684
00:38:46,245 --> 00:38:49,695
I am becoming that woman
who knows her value.
685
00:38:50,595 --> 00:38:53,415
So maybe if you can
wake up in the morning.
686
00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:58,470
And tell yourself that, and you can
believe you're becoming that wo woman
687
00:38:58,470 --> 00:39:01,050
maybe if you're not there yet, right?
688
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:02,370
Isn't that more believable?
689
00:39:02,370 --> 00:39:03,030
I don't know.
690
00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:04,440
I'm becoming, no, I
691
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:08,105
Speaker 3: want you all to look in the
mirror and say, I'm valuable, okay?
692
00:39:08,110 --> 00:39:13,380
And you can't tell me I'm not, there
ain't no wiggle, wiggle room here.
693
00:39:13,615 --> 00:39:16,110
There's no sort of kind of valuable.
694
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,060
You, e you are valuable.
695
00:39:18,060 --> 00:39:21,780
And like if you believe that you're
not, then you're believing a lie.
696
00:39:23,010 --> 00:39:25,980
You know, so and so,
like, just step into it.
697
00:39:25,980 --> 00:39:28,410
It's the truth of who you are.
698
00:39:28,410 --> 00:39:28,470
Know.
699
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:29,910
Speaker 2: Okay, so
700
00:39:30,210 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 3: your tool is
first thing, think that
701
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:35,940
Speaker 2: you're not valuable
or you're less valuable, not, you
702
00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:39,120
know, you open your eyes in the
morning and you say, I am valuable.
703
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:40,560
That's your first tool.
704
00:39:40,620 --> 00:39:41,820
Absolutely.
705
00:39:42,570 --> 00:39:42,600
Okay.
706
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:44,280
I, I wish you didn't even have to do that.
707
00:39:44,700 --> 00:39:45,395
I wish you well.
708
00:39:45,395 --> 00:39:46,650
I know, but people do.
709
00:39:47,550 --> 00:39:47,760
I
710
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,150
Speaker 3: know, but I'm just
saying, y'all make the choice.
711
00:39:51,150 --> 00:39:51,490
Say it.
712
00:39:51,810 --> 00:39:57,990
I mean, this is what I am, this is who I
am, and you know, there's no getting there
713
00:39:57,990 --> 00:40:00,480
or walking to the place of being valuable.
714
00:40:00,750 --> 00:40:04,290
You are gonna decide it because it's true.
715
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:08,220
And if you and I sat in a room and
you told me you weren't as valuable
716
00:40:08,220 --> 00:40:12,210
as I was, I would make you prove
it to me and you won't be able to.
717
00:40:12,330 --> 00:40:12,900
Speaker 2: Right.
718
00:40:14,190 --> 00:40:14,760
Amen.
719
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,610
Okay, so that's the first thing.
720
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:20,790
And then stop giving your power
to other people, and that's
721
00:40:20,790 --> 00:40:21,960
where the boundaries come in.
722
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,940
Go back and listen to that other podcast.
723
00:40:23,940 --> 00:40:24,900
You're shaking your head no.
724
00:40:24,900 --> 00:40:24,990
Do
725
00:40:25,470 --> 00:40:26,550
Speaker 3: not sabotage yourself.
726
00:40:26,550 --> 00:40:29,730
Yeah, stop throwing yourself
under the bus for other people.
727
00:40:32,460 --> 00:40:33,240
Just don't.
728
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:34,920
Just, you know, again.
729
00:40:35,925 --> 00:40:39,165
Sometimes I've got the time and
the will and the want to, to
730
00:40:39,165 --> 00:40:43,155
go help somebody, and I will if
asked other times I don't want to.
731
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:43,410
Mm-hmm.
732
00:40:43,490 --> 00:40:44,715
And so I go, no, thank you.
733
00:40:45,525 --> 00:40:45,615
Yeah.
734
00:40:45,615 --> 00:40:48,225
And that's me taking care of myself.
735
00:40:49,065 --> 00:40:54,885
And that's the most important thing
you can do is take care of yourself
736
00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:56,730
like you would your own child.
737
00:40:56,990 --> 00:40:57,410
Mm-hmm.
738
00:40:58,190 --> 00:41:02,655
You know, like I, when I first married my
husband, he went to bed at nine o'clock.
739
00:41:03,075 --> 00:41:05,145
He was, he's a physician.
740
00:41:05,145 --> 00:41:10,215
He had to get up at ungodly hours, you
know, and I stayed up till 11 or 12.
741
00:41:10,635 --> 00:41:14,805
Well, you know what, uh, I wanted
to get up early and walk before
742
00:41:14,805 --> 00:41:21,825
work, so I decided to change my life
and go to bed at nine instead, and
743
00:41:21,825 --> 00:41:27,135
get up at five and go for a walk,
and, and I recognized this knee.
744
00:41:27,135 --> 00:41:29,565
I needed to walk, and I didn't have time.
745
00:41:30,150 --> 00:41:31,380
How can I create time?
746
00:41:31,380 --> 00:41:36,120
I can go to bed earlier, I can
get up early and go walk, and I.
747
00:41:37,110 --> 00:41:38,820
Noticed that need.
748
00:41:38,820 --> 00:41:45,240
I made adjustments in my life and tweaked
my life, and I am now a morning person
749
00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:47,370
instead of the night person I used to be.
750
00:41:47,370 --> 00:41:51,030
I changed myself and
I feel so much better.
751
00:41:51,420 --> 00:41:51,510
Mm-hmm.
752
00:41:51,510 --> 00:41:52,740
I feel so much better.
753
00:41:52,950 --> 00:41:56,910
So this is the thing, is take
a look at the different areas
754
00:41:56,910 --> 00:41:58,075
of your life that, that.
755
00:41:58,705 --> 00:42:01,645
Aren't working or you're
saying, I don't have time to,
756
00:42:01,645 --> 00:42:04,375
or whatever, and make a tweak.
757
00:42:04,375 --> 00:42:09,505
Tweak your life, make a plan, make
adjustments, and, and get yourself set
758
00:42:09,505 --> 00:42:11,905
up so that you can do all this self-care.
759
00:42:12,570 --> 00:42:15,540
And just remember to
not sabotage yourself.
760
00:42:15,540 --> 00:42:15,630
Right.
761
00:42:15,660 --> 00:42:20,220
And even, you know, even with my mom,
I started setting boundaries with her.
762
00:42:20,220 --> 00:42:24,240
You know, she wanted me to do
this, do that, do that for her.
763
00:42:24,240 --> 00:42:26,250
I was like her errand boy, you know?
764
00:42:26,250 --> 00:42:29,070
And I would tell her like, you're
gonna have to wait three days
765
00:42:29,490 --> 00:42:31,560
for me to come over and help you.
766
00:42:32,220 --> 00:42:36,540
Um, because I can't, I don't have
time to, I've got appointments
767
00:42:36,540 --> 00:42:39,330
and blah, blah, blah, and she
would have to live with this.
768
00:42:39,330 --> 00:42:44,130
Like she was used to barking and
me jumping and, and I put a stop
769
00:42:44,130 --> 00:42:45,900
to it and I said, I can do it.
770
00:42:46,290 --> 00:42:49,080
I will do it when I'm able to.
771
00:42:49,085 --> 00:42:49,285
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
772
00:42:49,745 --> 00:42:51,180
Speaker 3: That's okay guys.
773
00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:54,270
You don't, you're,
you're now a grown adult.
774
00:42:54,270 --> 00:42:57,780
You're not a little child and you
do not have to jump instantly.
775
00:43:01,110 --> 00:43:05,880
You don't, you get to take care,
help your parents if you want to,
776
00:43:06,420 --> 00:43:09,525
however you want to, as much or
as little as you want to, right?
777
00:43:09,525 --> 00:43:11,250
Or you can be estranged from 'em.
778
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:13,320
That's better for you, right?
779
00:43:13,325 --> 00:43:20,700
You know, you, you have autonomy to live a
life of peace and happiness for yourself.
780
00:43:22,290 --> 00:43:22,500
Speaker 2: Yep.
781
00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:25,530
All right, honey, this is so good.
782
00:43:25,620 --> 00:43:30,690
I love chatting with you and the time
we've went way over time as usual,
783
00:43:30,690 --> 00:43:33,450
so I appreciate you being here.
784
00:43:33,780 --> 00:43:35,730
You're getting started, Lisa.
785
00:43:36,245 --> 00:43:40,470
I, I know it's, it's good stuff and
I just feel like to leave people
786
00:43:40,470 --> 00:43:46,560
with, you know, one, maybe one small
step at a time to make a change, and
787
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,965
then you get to feel the evidence.
788
00:43:48,630 --> 00:43:53,850
You know, like the walk that you started
going on, making that change to go to bed
789
00:43:53,850 --> 00:43:55,230
a little bit early, you know what I mean?
790
00:43:55,230 --> 00:43:58,175
And just, um, once you do that, it's
791
00:43:58,175 --> 00:43:58,535
Speaker 3: all self-care.
792
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:00,220
It's self-care.
793
00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:02,220
And self-care is the most important thing.
794
00:44:02,580 --> 00:44:02,790
Amen.
795
00:44:02,790 --> 00:44:04,740
And that includes making boundaries.
796
00:44:04,740 --> 00:44:06,510
That includes valuing yourself.
797
00:44:06,510 --> 00:44:09,240
It includes everything
that we just talked about,
798
00:44:09,540 --> 00:44:15,060
Speaker 2: which is going to allow you
to serve the world and live your purpose.
799
00:44:15,705 --> 00:44:16,395
So Dr.
800
00:44:16,395 --> 00:44:17,775
Becky, thank you.
801
00:44:17,835 --> 00:44:19,395
Thank you for being here.
802
00:44:19,395 --> 00:44:21,555
Our listeners can find
you in my show notes.
803
00:44:21,615 --> 00:44:22,815
How else can they get ahold of you?
804
00:44:22,815 --> 00:44:25,635
If they need some therapy
from the doctor, you
805
00:44:25,970 --> 00:44:29,175
Speaker 3: can always blog do
read my blog on Medium, the Becky
806
00:44:29,175 --> 00:44:36,090
Wetstone blog and um, and you can
find [email protected].
807
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:37,330
Speaker 2: Perfect.
808
00:44:37,590 --> 00:44:37,890
All right.
809
00:44:37,905 --> 00:44:38,865
Thank you so much.
810
00:44:38,865 --> 00:44:40,005
You take good care.
811
00:44:40,605 --> 00:44:41,385
Thank you.