Episode Description:

Menopause and people pleasing are more connected than you think. Learn how hormonal shifts fuel emotional overload—and how to reclaim your voice, boundaries, and peace.

In this powerful episode of Doing Life Different, host Lesa Koski is joined by therapist Dr. Becky Whetstone for an honest, empowering conversation about the emotional toll of people pleasing—especially during perimenopause and menopause. If you're tired of saying yes when you mean no, exhausted by invisible expectations, and ready to finally feel free in midlife, this episode is for you.

We explore the deep connection between fluctuating hormones and heightened emotional reactivity, where people pleasing comes from, how to identify it in your relationships, and—most importantly—how to stop. Whether you’re navigating aging parents, grown kids, grandkids, a partner, or a career, it’s time to embrace your enoughness and stop living for approval.

Timestamps:

(00:00) Welcome and what’s coming up in the episode

(02:31) How menopause messes with your emotions

(06:52) Where people pleasing starts (childhood trauma + core wounds)

(10:04) People pleasing in family, work, and faith

(13:36) How boundaries help you heal

(17:45) Lesa’s breast cancer journey and spiritual growth

(22:10) Saying “no” without guilt

(25:42) Healing your nervous system after people pleasing

(29:50) Faith, value, and who God says you are

(33:15) Coaching your inner child (and your mom!)

(36:21) Practical tools to stop people pleasing today

(41:10) Final thoughts and next steps

Key Takeaways:

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• Hormonal shifts during perimenopause and menopause impact emotional regulation, making people pleasing even harder to resist.
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• People pleasing is a trauma response, not a personality trait—it’s often rooted in childhood fear of rejection.
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• Boundaries are the cure: Learn to say no, feel your feelings, and stop fixing people who didn’t ask for help.
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• Faith meets psychology: God didn’t design you to live for approval. You’re already enough.
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• Healing is possible at any age—whether you're 40, 50, or 81, it's never too late to embrace your authentic self.
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Guest Bio:

Dr. Becky Whetstone is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and speaker known for her direct, humorous, and faith-anchored approach to emotional healing. A self-proclaimed “recovered people pleaser,” Dr. Becky helps women break free from emotional entanglements, trauma cycles, and perfectionism to rediscover joy and autonomy.

Resource Links:

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• 💻 Connect with Dr. Becky: MarriageCrisisManager.com
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• 📥 Join Lesa’s newsletter: lesakoski.com
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If you are struggling with unwanted emotions and people

2

pleasing more than ever before, I

want you to know you are not alone.

3

You are in the right place to learn tools

to help you, and this just makes sense.

4

I just wanna remind you, we

just had a podcast and we

5

talked to all things hormones.

6

So when we're going through perimenopause

and menopause, estrogen and progesterone,

7

the two primary sex harm hormones.

8

Start to fluctuate and this

directly affects our brains.

9

You're not crazy.

10

And go back to Tuesday's episode

and learn how you can work to kind

11

of regulate tho those hormones.

12

But it's gonna ha happen.

13

Friends, it happened to me

and I'm, you know, learning.

14

Through it, and it does

become a blessed event.

15

So you're in the right place today.

16

I have Dr.

17

Becky Wetstone with us, and we are going

to talk all things, um, people pleasing.

18

And so we're gonna kind start

out with where it comes from.

19

Why are we doing this?

20

Because in my journey.

21

Understanding why I was a people

pleaser, helped me to forgive some

22

things and and overcome them, and

really look at those core wounds.

23

So then we're gonna look at people

pleasing in our relationships,

24

in our work, in our faith, and.

25

Finally tools.

26

Tools that are gonna

help us overcome this.

27

People pleasing because the reason I'm

talking about people pleasing, it's one of

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my favorite topics because it's something

that I have really struggled with.

29

So, um, you know, I just want this episode

to help you embrace your enoughness.

30

It's a good one.

31

Thanks so much for being here.

32

Speaker 2: Dear Dr.

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Becky, I'm so thankful that

you're here today talking

34

about all those crazy emotions.

35

Some of them unwanted those feelings

and really delving into people

36

pleasing with you today, and that

has been something that I have.

37

Struggled with a big, big component, and

I feel like I'm making some breakthroughs,

38

so I, I'll throw in my little 2 cents.

39

And you just give us your

expertise as you always do.

40

We're so thankful to have

you back with us, Dr.

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Becky Westone.

42

Um, all your information's

in the show notes.

43

I think my listeners know you, um, and

they love listening to all your advice.

44

Speaker 3: Well, how lucky am I to get

to come on your show more than once?

45

This is such a, I'm so humbled and

thankful for you having me, and just

46

wanna say hi to everybody out there

because I'm sure you are listening.

47

Because you want to have

a better relationship with

48

yourself and with others.

49

You wanna be happier.

50

And, uh, and people pleasing

is one of the most common

51

obstacles, especially for women.

52

But believe me, men have it too.

53

Some men do.

54

Um, it, it's a very, very, very

common emotional disability.

55

That we take on at a very young

age, um, due to childhood trauma.

56

And I will say that I was raised by a

southern belle in Arkansas who had no

57

self-esteem, no self-confidence, and she

raised me to be a world class pleaser.

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So I was very conditioned to be a pleaser.

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And in my twenties started having

depression and panic attacks.

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Really debil debilitating panic attacks

to the point where I couldn't get off

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the couch sometimes, even if dinner

was in the oven, I would sit there and

62

let it burn, and so I went to therapy

for the first time and guess what was

63

causing my depression and anxiety?

64

People pleasing.

65

People closing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I, yeah, I think,

um, that's a huge, huge part of

67

my anxiety as well, and learning

as I take steps to heal it.

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And it's not all happened at once.

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Um, but as I take steps to overcome it.

70

Boy, my life feels freer

and it feels more peaceful.

71

And so that was gonna be my first question

is like, where does this stem from?

72

So yours came, you, you say traumas,

yours came from your, your southern bell.

73

I had no, no, no.

74

The, the trauma

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Speaker 3: of not feeling

good enough as a child.

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Yeah.

77

The, the pleaser personality

is a compensation that we all

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make that become pleasers.

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Um, it, the, the idea is you're born

yourself, and then we're influenced

80

by our families and our culture.

81

And pretty soon we see their

expectations are pretty high of us.

82

And so we decide we're not good enough.

83

And there's ground zero for

childhood trauma is the decision

84

that you're not good enough.

85

And so most of us go, well, I'm

screwed because I'm not good enough,

86

so I'm gonna have to compensate and

find a winning plan that so that

87

I can avoid rejection, hurt, pain.

88

Mm-hmm.

89

And so one of the most common.

90

Adaptations or compensating behaviors

that people take on is people

91

pleasing, and the others most common

ones are perfectionist, overachiever.

92

Um, rescuer, caretaker, um, but you know,

Carl Young, the psychologist, wrote about

93

how people have, um, an authentic self.

94

That's the real you.

95

Mm-hmm.

96

As, and then we have

the persona that is a.

97

And an absolute actor, you

know, you're playing a role

98

and the pleaser is the persona.

99

Mm-hmm.

100

As is the overachiever

and all those others.

101

So as long as you live in your

persona, you will never be

102

content happy, um, and have peace.

103

Period.

104

I mean, it's an absolute disability

that needs to be eliminated.

105

You said you're in the

process of eliminating it.

106

I wanna come over to

your house and just tear

107

Speaker 2: down.

108

I've, I've huge progress.

109

But you know what's so interesting, Dr.

110

Becky?

111

Is that when, when you said

people pleasing perfectionism.

112

I think I'm all of those.

113

I think I did all of those.

114

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

115

Oh, I've taken tests that have told me

that, so, so I'm like, okay, well now

116

this is all starting to make sense.

117

And I lived in fight or flight

and you know, just always

118

trying to be somebody else.

119

I didn't even ever really

look at who's Lisa?

120

And you wanna know something

really crazy that I'm learning.

121

I'm kind of carefree and goofy.

122

Oh yeah, that fits a lawyer.

123

Speaker 3: Look at me.

124

I'm, you know, I'm a mental health

therapist and I'm carefree and goofy.

125

Yeah.

126

My dad used to tell me, if you

don't get serious, start an adult,

127

you're never gonna get a job.

128

Speaker 2: Well, and I just

had to be that persona.

129

Uh, I just want it to be impressive.

130

And Goofy didn't fit that.

131

And fun.

132

And it was funny because I was, I went

through something where, um, I made a

133

big step in realizing about the people

pleasing, realizing who I was trying

134

to please and kind of moving past

it and forgiving it and moving on.

135

And I, I came in from my barn office

and my two girls happened to be there.

136

My one who's a doctor, mama

and my one who's in college.

137

And I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel so good.

138

I'm like.

139

I'm like, carefree.

140

And they're like, yeah, mom.

141

Because when we think of

mom, we think of carefree.

142

But I did sing on a

microphone that weekend.

143

I mean, it really has held true.

144

So I do want people to know.

145

My life is changing.

146

My life is changing because I'm beginning

to accept who I really am and love that.

147

And I think, you know, I'm kind of

jumping ahead because I wanted to talk

148

about how faith is interwoven in this,

but I get to be the person God created

149

me to be and he created me this way.

150

You know, and how fun is that?

151

So I feel a little redeemed.

152

Now I could go the other way and go,

just think what I could have done

153

with my life if I hadn't spent all

my time, you know, trying to work

154

to be in my head and people please.

155

So, um, you know, it's time.

156

I don't care how old it was cute.

157

I was talking to my 81-year-old

mama and she, you know, she

158

goes through the same stuff.

159

And I, I'm like, you

want me to coach you mom?

160

And she's like, okay.

161

And she's really good

at naming how she feels.

162

I'm like, well, how do you wanna feel?

163

And she goes, I'm 81 years old.

164

And I go, yeah, it's about

time you start feeling good.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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My mom lived to be 1 0 1.

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Oh my gosh.

168

She was a people pleaser

till the day she died.

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She was not gonna change.

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No.

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However, the one person she

showed her true self to was me.

172

And so a lot of people couldn't

understand why I didn't enjoy her

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company very much 'cause she was very

negative and complained all the time

174

and griped and told me how she hated

this person and hated that person.

175

But to her friend, she was.

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A little angel that flitted

around the retirement home.

177

And so people would go, Becky, you're

so terrible about how you feel.

178

And I'm going, no, because she

unloads garbage on me and I can't.

179

And, and I'm, you know, the

healthier I've gotten, the less I

180

can handle negativity, you know?

181

Yeah.

182

And it really, you know, it weighs me

down like a lead apron at the Deni salt.

183

You know.

184

Speaker 2: Well, and I think what I

find, and so we're kind of jumping

185

into, I did wanna talk about people

pleasing in relationships, and I

186

think we're kind of jumping into that.

187

One thing, Becky, that I have

realized is that as I've been

188

growing and kind of seeing things

for how they are, I can detach.

189

So I'm not carrying the heavy load of, or

thinking I need to fix the person who's

190

maybe like your mom, negative how she was.

191

So that feels real good.

192

That feels real freeing.

193

I mean, and I never thought

I wanted to be free.

194

I didn't even realize that.

195

But boy does it feel good,

196

Speaker 3: you know, people don't

realize that trying to fix other people.

197

Without their invitation is an

egregious boundary violation.

198

We should not offer unsolicited

advice to other adults or try to help

199

them or fix them unless they ask.

200

But you know, a lot of people

rush in and they wanna help

201

and give unsolicited advice.

202

When I'm giving a talk about pleasing,

I will ask the crowd, how many of you

203

gave unsolicited advice this week?

204

Oh, everybody raises their hands.

205

I know.

206

And I go, well, you're all violator.

207

You know, like we should.

208

We we're supposed to be responsible

for ourself and our mind, body,

209

spirit Health and other adults are

supposed to do the same for themself.

210

As I tell my clients who like to,

who are very dysfunctional and

211

they like to give advice to other

people ago, when you have perfected.

212

You're, you know, all your,

you're not damaged anymore.

213

You're completely functional

a hundred percent of the time

214

and you got it all going on.

215

Then you can start maybe

fixing other people,

216

Speaker 2: right?

217

But it's

218

Speaker 3: just cracks for

how all these people who have.

219

A lot of dysfunctional behaviors

themselves are out there offering

220

advice to try to fix other people.

221

It's a crazy world, Lisa.

222

Speaker 2: It's a crazy world.

223

I will say that I always appreciate

someone sharing their story.

224

You know what I mean?

225

Sharing the story of how they went through

something hard and came out on the other.

226

Right.

227

So that's kind of what I feel like.

228

So you've been through the people

pleasing and you've been set free.

229

I'm kind of getting there.

230

You kind of make it sound like

you could clobber me over the

231

head and it might go away.

232

Is

233

Speaker 3: that true?

234

Five minutes.

235

Five minutes.

236

Because are you kidding?

237

Being a people?

238

Being people pleaser is a choice.

239

Right.

240

It's a decision.

241

It's a decision, and I need

you to change your decision.

242

I need you to, to really hone in on

and get in touch with who Lisa is

243

and live true to her all the time.

244

A hundred percent 24 7, and value your.

245

Wellbeing and your needs

over anything or anyone else.

246

That doesn't mean that you're not gonna

be helping people anymore or all that

247

kind of stuff, but if you wanna help

people, you have to ask their permission.

248

You don't just help without.

249

Asking that like hardly

anybody understands appropriate

250

human relations boundaries.

251

And that's one of my

favorite subjects to teach.

252

Mm-hmm.

253

And you and I did a show about that.

254

Speaker 2: We did go back and

listen, listen, I'll connect

255

Speaker 3: to it in the show.

256

The premise is we're all adults

and we should be taking care

257

of ourselves if we are able.

258

And no one should be taking care of me.

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No one should be taking care of you.

260

You should be taking care of you.

261

And so I'm, I've gotta

make sure I'm good to go.

262

And so that takes a lot of time and

focus to make sure I'm mind body

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healthy, you know, a spirit healthy.

264

And so that's a pretty big

plate right there for me.

265

And then, you know, after I'm

got myself and my needs met, then

266

whatever energy I have left over.

267

I go, I can use for my career

or relationships or whatever.

268

But you've gotta understand

that that valuing your wellbeing

269

over other things is a, is the

holy grail for a healthy adult.

270

So, so that means.

271

Another person comes into the

pleaser and goes, Hey Lisa, I could

272

sure you some help two weeks from

now to help me move some things.

273

Would you be willing to

come over and do that?

274

And you're thinking to yourself,

275

I really have other things to do

for myself that I need to be doing

276

that weekend and I don't want to,

I don't wanna help somebody move.

277

So you've got to value your

needs over what they want.

278

So you have to say, you know, pleasers

have to come up with little phrases in

279

their pocket that are nice, so you're

not seen as a witch or surly, you know?

280

So we have to say things

like, oh, Marilyn, you know,

281

that sounds like so much fun.

282

However, I'm gonna be occupied that

weekend and I don't want people lying

283

to people and making up excuses.

284

I think lying is a bad mojo, but if

you're, if you are maybe gonna be busy

285

two weekends from now doing something

that you need or want to do, and

286

that's very important and valuable.

287

So you have to get in touch with yourself

and go, man, I don't wanna do that.

288

And then you've got to set

the boundary and say no.

289

And then you're gonna find out

that people still love you and like

290

you, um, when you aren't available.

291

Mm-hmm.

292

And it's wonderful.

293

Here's the rule of thumb, don't say,

do not give up your inner peace.

294

So someone else can have it, right?

295

I think we're, so, I tell, I tell clients

if, if your spouse or your husband

296

or your, I mean your, your partner,

your friend asks you to do something

297

and you don't really wanna do it.

298

Um, and you realize if I say

yes, I'm gonna resent this.

299

If you're gonna resent saying

yes, then that is boundaries

300

1 0 1 that you need to say no.

301

And remember pleasers, come up with those

sweet little phrases in your back pocket.

302

You know what?

303

My plate's just too full.

304

I cannot add another thing to it.

305

And something, one of my favorites

that everyone respects is they may be

306

asking me to, um, you know, I don't

know, go to an event that I would

307

be uncomfortable going to, you know,

and I'll say, oh man, you know, um.

308

That just wouldn't be healthy for me.

309

I just couldn't, I just couldn't

put myself in that situation.

310

But you tell somebody that

something's not healthy for

311

you, um, then they go, oh, okay.

312

No one's gonna push and ask you to do

something that's unhealthy for you.

313

And I want you to think of

it like that for yourself.

314

I don't want you putting

yourself in situations that.

315

Are unhealthy for you, right?

316

Your soul is sitting there behind your

shoulder going, don't take me there.

317

Don't say yes to that.

318

Don't do this to me.

319

Listen to that voice, right,

and, and value what you need

320

over what the other person needs.

321

The other person's a grown, a

adult, they can figure it out.

322

And by the way, disappointment

never killed an an adult.

323

So, 'cause a lot of my pleasers go,

well I hate disappointing people.

324

Well you know what?

325

They're big boys and girls

and they can handle it.

326

I've been disappointed thousands of times.

327

How about you?

328

Yeah,

329

Speaker 2: for sure.

330

For sure.

331

And you know, I'm thinking right now of,

I'm thinking of like family relationships.

332

I think this is where.

333

It may be the most difficult for me.

334

Um, like you're thinking, you

know, you've got aging parents,

335

you've got grandkids, okay.

336

So say one of them needs your help with

something and you have a workout class

337

that you haven't signed up for yet

that you always enjoy going through.

338

That gives me, I mean, I have

to sit and ponder that and I

339

have to really think through.

340

Because sometimes you go do something

that you didn't think you wanted to do,

341

and it's way more fun than you thought.

342

You know what I mean?

343

Like how do you, like, how do we work

344

Speaker 3: through that?

345

Well, I just think you have to ask

yourself, um, am I gonna resent

346

missing the workout class if I say no?

347

Like some things are, like, if I get asked

to babysit, yeah, I might like to babysit.

348

I might enjoy that.

349

Or I may have no energy about it.

350

Uh.

351

Either I really want to, or I'm

neutral about it, but I'd be willing

352

to, you know, and then in those cases,

when you feel that way about that

353

thing, then you can go help somebody.

354

And, and that's great.

355

But when you're feeling that

feeling in your chest that, oh, I,

356

I don't want, and then you say yes,

then you are sabotaging yourself.

357

Right?

358

And that's.

359

When you do stuff like that,

that is literally the cause of

360

depression and anxiety is right.

361

Your souls try to tell you

through a feeling in your body

362

that it doesn't wanna do that.

363

It's not comfortable with that.

364

You know why it doesn't wanna do

that, and why it's not comfortable

365

with that, because you're, because

it's not in line with who you are.

366

Mm-hmm.

367

And your souls.

368

To, to persuade you to

be true to yourself.

369

Speaker 2: Right.

370

Okay.

371

So, Dr.

372

Becky, I like this because I feel like

I am at least getting to the point

373

where I stop and I think about it.

374

So I don't know.

375

I don't always know if

it's hell yes or hell no.

376

I just, I just don't always know.

377

Well, you may be neutral then.

378

It might be neutral.

379

Yep.

380

And um, and I think what's interesting

is sometimes I think that I have a hard

381

time or if like there's a client, I'm

finishing up my divorces now, right?

382

Kinda move and along past that

I'll be doing some coaching and

383

if they connect with me and say.

384

I can do it this day.

385

I can't do it the day we were supposed

to and say it's a day that I had planned,

386

like the weather looks nice and I had

planned to walk, I think dignam it.

387

I don't want to.

388

Say no to them because I can schedule

my walk anytime and what I'm learning

389

is maybe I can, maybe I can say

no to get that walk in and maybe

390

there's a better time to fit them in.

391

Those are the things that are tricky.

392

It's not always black and white for me.

393

Speaker 3: I just wonder if you're

telling yourself if some little

394

negative voice is telling you that

your walk isn't that important.

395

And for some people a walk

is the most important thing.

396

Mm-hmm.

397

It's, they get so much spiritual

enrichment from a walk outside

398

and you know, so I think you, you

know, are you telling yourself,

399

oh, I can walk anytime I should.

400

Yes.

401

Now you're shaming yourself, I should say.

402

Yes.

403

Mm-hmm.

404

Well, you know, I want you to get

in touch with how important is

405

that routine to you, you know?

406

Right,

407

Speaker 2: right.

408

Okay, so now I.

409

I just brought in work.

410

So we were talking

about relationships now.

411

I just brought in work how it, it is like,

I was like, oh yeah, I'm all cool there.

412

No, I'm not.

413

I still, I still do struggle with

that and I do, I'm getting better.

414

Um, but it is, it's just, and there's

so much when we're, when we're our

415

age and, and beyond, because you do

have so many things and everybody

416

thinks you're all this free time.

417

You know, like I don't even, I can't even

imagine being retired because people are

418

gonna be like, oh, you can come anytime.

419

And it's like,

420

Speaker 3: no, other people

do not get to decide.

421

Right.

422

You know, if, if they're perceiving

that we're not doing anything,

423

that's not their time to plan.

424

Right.

425

Okay.

426

It's our time.

427

And we have to remember, boundaries

are the security system that

428

we have to protect ourselves,

and that includes our time.

429

Speaker 2: So we can't talk about people

pleasing without talking about boundaries.

430

Can we?

431

Speaker 3: Oh.

432

Oh, right.

433

And, and people pleasers are terrible

at boundaries because they don't

434

like to disappoint people and they

don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

435

But that just means to me that they're

valuing the other person over themselves.

436

And I already told you, you're

the top of the totem pole.

437

Okay, so Dr.

438

Beck.

439

Speaker 2: You're gonna

giggle at this one.

440

So, and I think I talked about

this in a saddle up segment.

441

I, after we, we record it, our

boundary, um, session, our boundary

442

episode, I had reached out to someone

who I'm doing a little side work

443

with, and I basically, and she's kind

of a friend, and I basically would

444

do anything, you know what I mean?

445

To like, make it work

and do what she thinks.

446

Is a good idea.

447

And I invited her to something that

seemed like a good idea and it was kind

448

of, there was a little funny tch to it.

449

So I, you know, I left her a little

message and talked about how it

450

was kind of funny and she just

very fired back at me that day.

451

Doesn't work for me.

452

Boom.

453

The end.

454

And I was like.

455

It's like, okay, here's the thing.

456

So that was teaching me

how to accept boundaries.

457

But you know what?

458

It was really, really good for

It taught me why the hell am I

459

falling all over this person?

460

They're not falling off.

461

You know what I mean?

462

Why am I given life and limb

to try to make something work?

463

And they're not, and they shouldn't be.

464

But it was a really amazing

light bulb moment and I think

465

like God kinda made that happen.

466

And, but when it first happened

I was like, that was a line

467

Becky gave us on the podcast.

468

You using that on me?

469

Speaker 3: Look y'all boundaries and

getting dismantling your pleaser are

470

the keys to joy, peace, and happiness.

471

I don't know what else to help tell you.

472

You cannot have joy, peace, and happiness

till you get this in order and start

473

valuing yourself as the precious.

474

Human and, and human gold bar,

uh, that's how valuable you are.

475

You're big giant gold bar.

476

And, and you have to manage

that gold bar's wellbeing.

477

And you do that by setting boundaries

and being true to yourself.

478

And that's it.

479

And you know, and I also,

like all my wellbeing changed.

480

180, I did a 180 from miserable

to completely content.

481

By doing these things, look, it's

just like the reward is very clear

482

and you're not doing anything wrong,

so don't let anybody tell you.

483

And this is, I've written blogs about the

fact that when I started being true to

484

myself and setting boundaries for myself.

485

Certain friends and people started

saying, well, Becky's difficult.

486

Becky's a bitch.

487

Becky's, you know, Becky's,

you know, whatever.

488

And when you set boundaries and people

can't control you anymore or squeeze juice

489

out of you that you don't have anymore,

they're gonna judge you negatively.

490

So just get ready for it.

491

And guess what?

492

I don't care.

493

I do not care.

494

What you, you think I'm a witch?

495

My piece, uh, is more important

than anything else, and I'm

496

not gonna let you take it away.

497

Speaker 2: Well, and I think, I

mean, of course everyone who's

498

listening to you and myself, like

we believe what you're saying.

499

I know I'm a daughter of the king.

500

I know how valuable I am, and I think

what can be tricky sometimes is we

501

have these like neural pathways.

502

It's like if you're not really buying

it, even though you know Right.

503

Like I am sitting here with

you and I'm like, I know.

504

I am love, not because of what

I do, just because of I'm,

505

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm me.

506

However, there's some, there's little

block blockages, you know what I mean?

507

And I think that it's, it can be deeper

and that is what I found in my journey.

508

So I went through, I got

certified as a coach before I

509

had that stage one breast cancer.

510

And I think going through that.

511

Taking that six months to just kind

of sit and quiet and rest and to go,

512

this is deeper than, yeah, I know that.

513

I, I can't change.

514

I'm responsible for how I feel.

515

I know that.

516

I know that's true.

517

And I know that I need to change a

thought or belief to change how I feel.

518

And sometimes you just have

to feel for a little bit.

519

Um.

520

And yet still to this day, I'm getting

better at it because I'm digging a

521

little bit deeper going, I'm going

back deeper into what started this.

522

How important is that?

523

Like I, I'm going deep

into where did this start?

524

Is that, do you think

that's real important?

525

I

526

Speaker 3: think that finding the link

between whatever dysfunctional thing is

527

going on now and linking it to themes

of the past is how you cure trauma.

528

Speaker 2: Yeah.

529

I.

530

Speaker 3: You know, and so it's a,

something I have client, an exercise

531

I have clients do is like, people

go, well, I don't have time, and

532

I, I had a wonderful childhood.

533

Oh, oh, please, you have thousands

of, I don't care what you say,

534

you have thousands of traumas.

535

And I, and I already know it.

536

And, and the evidence number one.

537

You had trauma in your childhood as

you took on, you decided at some point

538

in your life you weren't good enough.

539

So there's number one, but the

number one evidence is people say

540

things or do things or refuse to

do things, and you get triggered.

541

You, your nervous system gets activated.

542

Your.

543

Blood pressure goes up, your pulse raises,

and when that happens, when your nervous

544

system gets activated because of what some

other person said or did or didn't do, you

545

just had one of your old trauma wounds.

546

Pricked or stuck or punched

or whatever you wanna call it.

547

And so I always ask clients, okay, so

you got triggered when your husband, uh,

548

said that the kitchen looked terrible,

uh, when he came home from work.

549

So, so, so he criticized you for.

550

You know how the house looked,

so let, let's find that theme

551

from your childhood Yeah.

552

And trace it back if the first, the

oldest memory you can possibly remember.

553

And they'll, they'll say, oh, well

I used to be expected to clean the

554

bathroom when I was a kid, and all they

did was come in and criticize me and

555

tell me I didn't do it good enough.

556

Okay.

557

So that's your, I'm not good enough wound.

558

Yep.

559

It's still not healed, but when you can

draw the connection between what happened

560

and the now back to, then somehow it

lessens that intensity and you may not

561

feel it at all the next time, but you

but it, or you may feel it much less the

562

next time when someone says, Hey, you

didn't clean the kitchen good enough.

563

You're like, okay.

564

So what?

565

Right, right.

566

Rather than getting all in your

567

Speaker 2: field.

568

Yeah.

569

Because we are responsible for how

we feel and so that, well, sure.

570

So that, you know, you,

you, you get that awareness.

571

So your husband says something

like that, that triggers you.

572

And I go, and then I stop and I go.

573

Okay, this feels really

shitty where this is me.

574

Whereas not that you wanna

be treated unkindly ever, I

575

mean, that's a boundary issue.

576

But if it's a trigger, um, then

I go, okay, how do I wanna feel?

577

Where is this coming from?

578

And I even did some big work where

I went back and I sent all the

579

things that were done kind of wrong,

and I then I just kind of, mm-hmm.

580

Um.

581

I kind of gave that to God and

said, this is yours to judge.

582

I forgive them.

583

And it was like, that's

where I had my carefree.

584

That's where I went, woo.

585

La la and, and Dr.

586

Becky.

587

I think it was so important for

me to hit that, um, milestone.

588

I know like that, that.

589

Uh, that little stage one cancer

scare was there for a reason.

590

'cause I need it.

591

There was so much I needed to learn.

592

And, and, um, one of the things

was, I think that I thought I wanted

593

to, when I did coaching, I was

like, I just wanna move forward.

594

Yep.

595

I'm gonna change the way I feel.

596

But what I didn't get was okay.

597

It's not quite that easy.

598

It's not quite that easy because I can't,

I think I can, and I think that it makes

599

sense, the things that I'm hearing, but

I do, that's where, isn't that kind of

600

where therapy comes in, where you kind

of go back and you look at the past?

601

Am I right there or am I wrong?

602

Speaker 3: The themes.

603

The themes of your past, you know?

604

Yeah.

605

You know, like, like, think about the,

I'm, I'm the youngest of five kids.

606

The, my sister was 17 when I

was born, and she went off to

607

college the year I was born.

608

Um, and so, but, but here's the deal.

609

I got no respect in my family as the

youngest child I was, I was dismissed.

610

And, you know, disregarded as the baby

of the family for many, many decades,

611

you know, and so imagine, you know,

when in your family you've just been

612

treated as you don't matter for years.

613

You know what that does

to psyche and self-esteem.

614

So I think that.

615

You know, understanding those kinds

of themes from your life will help

616

you explain a lot of why you are

the way you are and to correct

617

it because I overcame, right?

618

My family's opinion of me.

619

Even when I got my PhD, a couple

of 'em made sarcastic remarks to me

620

like, oh my God, Becky got a PhD.

621

That was the theme.

622

That, and how they

addressed me all the time.

623

They had no respect for what I

had just pulled off, you know?

624

Mm-hmm.

625

And.

626

But by that time I had done enough

therapy and enough studies and

627

stuff to know, to see them as my

abusers and not having no basis.

628

In fact, it had nothing to do with who

I am, my value or what I was capable of.

629

Right.

630

You know?

631

Right.

632

So let you know.

633

Eventually I kind of outgrew my family

and kind of left them in the dust, and

634

it just happened organically because.

635

Who wants to be around a bunch of

people that talked about you in

636

front of you as if you are a joke.

637

Yeah.

638

Speaker 2: You know,

639

Speaker 3: which is their

theme is You're a joke.

640

You know?

641

And I'm like, okay, well I'm

gonna be more successful, uh,

642

than you in my joking, I guess.

643

I don't know.

644

Speaker 2: Yeah.

645

But I

646

Speaker 3: just kept tr

tru uh, trudging along.

647

And, and not living by the um.

648

The, um, stereotypes and labeling

that other people had put on

649

me for years, I had to overcome

those things and break outta that.

650

Yeah.

651

And not be that person for them anymore.

652

Speaker 2: Right, right.

653

Okay.

654

So I promised that we would give the

listeners some tools on how to embrace.

655

Their enoughness and how to overcome this.

656

People pleasing and I think, I think maybe

one is like being aware of it, right?

657

And using your boundaries.

658

Can you?

659

Speaker 3: Yeah.

660

But the first thing, like, like, come on,

everybody, you've gotta make a decision.

661

Self-esteem as much as anything is a

decision that you have to make, that

662

you matter and that you're valuable.

663

And when you start with that and you

realize that you are as important

664

as anyone else equal to and value as

anyone else, anybody else, then you

665

then and, and then it's your job to

keep you happy and healthy and thriving.

666

Then maybe you'll stop throwing yourself

under the bus so other people can be

667

happy or get what they want out of you.

668

So I think valuing yourself.

669

And just saying, you

know, like, I'm valuable.

670

I, and, and value is not based

on weight or beauty or education

671

or success or anything like that.

672

You are a human dang being, and that is

the most valuable thing on the planet, and

673

no one can ever take that away from you.

674

It's not conditional.

675

So if you can just accept that

about yourself and realize it, that.

676

You have to manage your wellbeing,

so you've gotta stop giving up

677

your power for other people when

you don't want to or when it's

678

unhealthy for you or, or whatever.

679

You're a grown adult, you're not a child.

680

You don't have to do what other

people tell you to do anymore.

681

Speaker 2: Okay, so maybe it could be

kind of this, this thing that I've used

682

sometimes is like my, my future self.

683

So I wake up in the morning and

I go, okay, today I'm a woman.

684

I am becoming that woman

who knows her value.

685

So maybe if you can

wake up in the morning.

686

And tell yourself that, and you can

believe you're becoming that wo woman

687

maybe if you're not there yet, right?

688

Isn't that more believable?

689

I don't know.

690

I'm becoming, no, I

691

Speaker 3: want you all to look in the

mirror and say, I'm valuable, okay?

692

And you can't tell me I'm not, there

ain't no wiggle, wiggle room here.

693

There's no sort of kind of valuable.

694

You, e you are valuable.

695

And like if you believe that you're

not, then you're believing a lie.

696

You know, so and so,

like, just step into it.

697

It's the truth of who you are.

698

Know.

699

Speaker 2: Okay, so

700

Speaker 3: your tool is

first thing, think that

701

Speaker 2: you're not valuable

or you're less valuable, not, you

702

know, you open your eyes in the

morning and you say, I am valuable.

703

That's your first tool.

704

Absolutely.

705

Okay.

706

I, I wish you didn't even have to do that.

707

I wish you well.

708

I know, but people do.

709

I

710

Speaker 3: know, but I'm just

saying, y'all make the choice.

711

Say it.

712

I mean, this is what I am, this is who I

am, and you know, there's no getting there

713

or walking to the place of being valuable.

714

You are gonna decide it because it's true.

715

And if you and I sat in a room and

you told me you weren't as valuable

716

as I was, I would make you prove

it to me and you won't be able to.

717

Speaker 2: Right.

718

Amen.

719

Okay, so that's the first thing.

720

And then stop giving your power

to other people, and that's

721

where the boundaries come in.

722

Go back and listen to that other podcast.

723

You're shaking your head no.

724

Do

725

Speaker 3: not sabotage yourself.

726

Yeah, stop throwing yourself

under the bus for other people.

727

Just don't.

728

Just, you know, again.

729

Sometimes I've got the time and

the will and the want to, to

730

go help somebody, and I will if

asked other times I don't want to.

731

Mm-hmm.

732

And so I go, no, thank you.

733

Yeah.

734

And that's me taking care of myself.

735

And that's the most important thing

you can do is take care of yourself

736

like you would your own child.

737

Mm-hmm.

738

You know, like I, when I first married my

husband, he went to bed at nine o'clock.

739

He was, he's a physician.

740

He had to get up at ungodly hours, you

know, and I stayed up till 11 or 12.

741

Well, you know what, uh, I wanted

to get up early and walk before

742

work, so I decided to change my life

and go to bed at nine instead, and

743

get up at five and go for a walk,

and, and I recognized this knee.

744

I needed to walk, and I didn't have time.

745

How can I create time?

746

I can go to bed earlier, I can

get up early and go walk, and I.

747

Noticed that need.

748

I made adjustments in my life and tweaked

my life, and I am now a morning person

749

instead of the night person I used to be.

750

I changed myself and

I feel so much better.

751

Mm-hmm.

752

I feel so much better.

753

So this is the thing, is take

a look at the different areas

754

of your life that, that.

755

Aren't working or you're

saying, I don't have time to,

756

or whatever, and make a tweak.

757

Tweak your life, make a plan, make

adjustments, and, and get yourself set

758

up so that you can do all this self-care.

759

And just remember to

not sabotage yourself.

760

Right.

761

And even, you know, even with my mom,

I started setting boundaries with her.

762

You know, she wanted me to do

this, do that, do that for her.

763

I was like her errand boy, you know?

764

And I would tell her like, you're

gonna have to wait three days

765

for me to come over and help you.

766

Um, because I can't, I don't have

time to, I've got appointments

767

and blah, blah, blah, and she

would have to live with this.

768

Like she was used to barking and

me jumping and, and I put a stop

769

to it and I said, I can do it.

770

I will do it when I'm able to.

771

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

772

Speaker 3: That's okay guys.

773

You don't, you're,

you're now a grown adult.

774

You're not a little child and you

do not have to jump instantly.

775

You don't, you get to take care,

help your parents if you want to,

776

however you want to, as much or

as little as you want to, right?

777

Or you can be estranged from 'em.

778

That's better for you, right?

779

You know, you, you have autonomy to live a

life of peace and happiness for yourself.

780

Speaker 2: Yep.

781

All right, honey, this is so good.

782

I love chatting with you and the time

we've went way over time as usual,

783

so I appreciate you being here.

784

You're getting started, Lisa.

785

I, I know it's, it's good stuff and

I just feel like to leave people

786

with, you know, one, maybe one small

step at a time to make a change, and

787

then you get to feel the evidence.

788

You know, like the walk that you started

going on, making that change to go to bed

789

a little bit early, you know what I mean?

790

And just, um, once you do that, it's

791

Speaker 3: all self-care.

792

It's self-care.

793

And self-care is the most important thing.

794

Amen.

795

And that includes making boundaries.

796

That includes valuing yourself.

797

It includes everything

that we just talked about,

798

Speaker 2: which is going to allow you

to serve the world and live your purpose.

799

So Dr.

800

Becky, thank you.

801

Thank you for being here.

802

Our listeners can find

you in my show notes.

803

How else can they get ahold of you?

804

If they need some therapy

from the doctor, you

805

Speaker 3: can always blog do

read my blog on Medium, the Becky

806

Wetstone blog and um, and you can

find me@marriagecrisismanager.com.

807

Speaker 2: Perfect.

808

All right.

809

Thank you so much.

810

You take good care.

811

Thank you.