We have all faced it. How we handle challenging circumstances from various situations means understanding not only the dynamics of the situations that we potentially face, but also achieving consensus on the issues we have. Once those decisions are made, how can we not be stuck in the “after effects” we typically feel? Today’s episode discussed the feelings AFTERWARDS that you may experience. This discussion is what you may not see when discussing how to resolve problems in the moment, and this frank subject will leave you more prepared for the challenging moments ahead.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 163 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Now, we've been through a lot

of challenging perspectives.

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We've been through a lot of different

things that we've had to cover over

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the last few weeks, and even then,

you might be having some very tough

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conversations with yourself, or others,

that might not understand why you're

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feeling the way you're feeling, and

you try to get it out, and you try to

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say your piece, and you try to work on

your goals, and you try to make this

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meaningful progress, but all of a sudden,

it's just stopping you in your tracks.

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It's making you feel horrible, because

these people that you've been trying to

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deal with, whether it's your boss, whether

it's your significant other, whether

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it's friends, family, somebody else, it

feels like every single time that you

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bring up this subject, you feel crud.

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You feel terrible inside of yourself.

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You feel like you are meant to be

nothing to them, and you don't know

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why you keep having this feeling

and why you keep reverting back

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to that feeling of worthlessness.

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Not feeling good about yourself.

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Probably feeling a little bit

of shame, embarrassment, pain.

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Today's episode is addressing all

those, and so much more, dealing with

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the after effects of something that

might be from a challenging dilemma

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that you might have faced recently.

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If there's anybody that's an

authority on this subject, it would

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be me, your podcast host, Joshua D.

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Smith, founder and owner of Your Speaking

Voice, LLC, that has been through

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the ringer, time and time again, with

challenging dilemmas, trying to figure

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out what's the best way to move forward.

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I can be here for hours, telling you

all kinds of different situations, but

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I know that I would put you to sleep.

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I only have about 20 minutes or

less to get my point across, so

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let me try to do something that I

will, hopefully, encourage you to

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think that everything will be okay.

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Stop thinking about it!

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Easier said than done, right?

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That's always what I been told growing up.

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"Stop thinking about it.

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Just put it aside.

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Don't let it be such a big deal."

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well, if it was really such a big

deal, we wouldn't be even recording

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this episode today, let alone even

talking about some of the emotional

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appeal that takes place when it comes

to feeling the way that we do, after

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we tried to figure out what went wrong?

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Why are we having this feeling of

ridicule, shame, disparagement?

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Whatever that feeling is, whatever

that action verb that you want to

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do, whether you want to go punch

a wall, punch a pillow, maybe even

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take that long walk that you usually

don't take, and then you're sore in

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your muscles the next day, trust me.

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I've done all those

things and so much more.

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Even as an adult, I've even had to deal

with some things that are not pretty.

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It's made me have to think about,

"What is it that I'm ultimately

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thinking about when it comes to why

I have this emotional reaction?"

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Well, I'll tell you one thing.

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It's because you're human.

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We react because of the emotions

that build up inside of ourselves.

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We're expecting something to happen

instead, but even then, those feelings,

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the things that we often feel because

we are really struggling with why that

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reaction happened the way it did with

that conversation, that situation that

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occurred, but even with the things that

are challenging, I think that it's really

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hard for us to be able to separate what we

should have done, what we could have done,

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what has happened, what will happen in

the future, because we're always stuck in

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the ways in which that emotion ties to it.

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It's something that even for the default

response as a human being to a variety

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of different situations, we've had many

conversations with many guests about why

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that energy, why that thought process,

even by some trained psychologists that

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I've had on the show, to explain why this

happens at various stages of her life.

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It doesn't mean that we're a bad person.

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It just means that we have

this kind of residual effect.

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It's almost like when the ball is

thrown, we're going to catch it,

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but sometimes when the ball is

thrown, we're not going to catch it.

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Instead, we feel a sense of dread.

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We feel terrible about ourselves,

because we should have done

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something a little bit better.

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Maybe we could have handled it a little

bit differently, but finding that we

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had this type of consensus, knowing

that we were trying to challenge

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ourselves to think differently, but

yet at the same time, this reaction

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instead occurred, it can be devastating.

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It can make us feel like

we're a pile of shit.

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It can make us feel like we're

fucking ridiculous, and I know,

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I'm using swear words, but let's

face it, it can be that visceral.

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We can be really tearing ourselves

down, and we can be making ourselves

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feel like we can never escape from that

bottomless pit that we have fallen in.

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Now, after I have set the

stage, you might be asking,

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"Well, how do I get out of this?

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How do I resolve these problems?

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How can I be more prepared for the

challenging moments that will be

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happening in the future, especially if

this type of situation is occurring?"

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Let's be real.

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If I sat here and tried to explain every

sort of circumstance that would ever

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occur in your life, this episode would

be over 24 hours long, and even then,

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I would not even scratch the surface of

what some other potential possibilities

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might occur, because let's be honest.

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One of the things that we have to deal

with when it comes to these situations

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is figuring out not only what are some

of those triggers, but also what we

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can say instead, so let's run through

a couple of pointers that might help

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you with preparing for something like

this in the future, especially if

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you feel like the emotions are high.

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Now, this emotional state is something

that we have even talked about in

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Crucial Conversations for Mastering

Dialogue, but we haven't really dug

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underneath as to what those kinds of

emotions are like, hence the reason

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for having this discussion today.

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Part of the way in which we can

even start to think about how we

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can change our thoughts differently

is to just simply write down.

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When somebody says this, this

is what it makes me feel.

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You can probably think about even the

most latest conversation that you had

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in which you had a disagreement with

someone, and think about what are some

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of the words, some of the phrasing,

that made you feel the way that you did.

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It could be something that was

challenging you, pushing you aside,

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making you feel like you were worth

nothing, but the part of the story

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that I really want to get into is

why that emotional reaction happened.

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Write down all the emotions that are

associated with what that phrasing was and

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how it was said so that we have a better

picture of what we're working with, and

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by using the emotion wheel, which you

can easily Google a resource like that

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online and use it to your advantage,

start to write down all the emotions

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that associate with that phrasing.

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Nothing is off the table.

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If you have to repeat some of

those emotions, feel free to do so.

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Now, with those emotions in check,

let's push them aside for a moment,

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and think about the context of what

that statement that ultimately led you

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into the feelings that you had, how

you can start to change that dialogue.

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For many people, being able to

change that phrasing means that you

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have to understand the personality

of what that person gave you.

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In other words, how was that received by

somebody that was acting in a visceral

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way to create the emotion of having this

challenging dilemma in the first place?

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I can't account for every single type

of nuance, but for you, in general,

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what was it with that person that said

the things that they said that could

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help you to break down why, oh why, you

had those emotions in the first place?

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In narrative form, I'm simply

asking you to write down and

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explain why that feeling occurred.

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Now that you have all the emotions

identified, start to write down

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what really made that trigger occur.

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If it was something in terms of

the way it was said, or that was

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provided in a non-verbal sense, write

those sort of characteristics down.

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Think about how those things might

have had an interference with the way

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in which it processed in your brain.

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After you do those two things, the last

thing I want you to do is to write down

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what you would expect instead if you ever

had that thought come across your brain,

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or had that situation come across from

what somebody said, ever again to you.

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In other words, I want you to think

about what you would think differently

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about when someone says it that way.

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What are some things that might be some

positive manifestations, or maybe some

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more professional wording, that would

help you to calm down, calm that other

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person down, and to have a more productive

conversation at the end of the day?

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Using that three step process, using

the emotions, writing down why it made

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you feel the way you did, but also

identifying what are some more healthier

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ways to address this situation, can

help you re engage, and come at it

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with a different type of perspective

that otherwise you would have not had.

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Now, if you are struggling with this,

try to find somebody that would help

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you, and coach you through what it would

look like to write down all these things.

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Maybe they can give you also an objective

opinion, and look at it from a different

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view, or even a different type of lens,

because, When we look at these types

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of situations, sometimes we have those

rose colored glasses on, and when we're

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covering ourselves with those rose colored

fashions, that might be hurting us.

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It might be even getting in our way

of being able to overcome or even

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address that challenging dilemma,

so now I have all those things

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written down, you are ready to take

on this conversation, or are you?

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You see, I've done this type of exercise

before, and I've done it with all

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kinds of different thoughts in mind.

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The most biggest challenge that I've had

is being able to now put it into practice.

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Being able to actually hear myself

say those words out loud can be

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emotional interference in itself.

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It can push us back into having that

state of flux, battling around, trying

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to figure out, flaring our arms and legs,

"Why do we have to do this?", almost like

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a little child having a temper tantrum.

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It's okay to feel that way.

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It's uncomfortable.

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It's something that we often times

feel when we are uncomfortable about

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a situation that we're presented with,

but even then, what are some ways that

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you can practice this with somebody

that would give you some objective

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feedback as to how you're approaching

it, and how you're making a difference

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by saying something different to them,

instead of the reaction that you had?

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Once you start to put this into practice,

once you start to actually show what

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it looks like to have this kind of

conversation with somebody else, you'll

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start to feel a little bit differently

every single time that you rehearse.

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Some things are easier than others

to overcome, and it's okay to think

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about what are some ways, what

are some thought patterns, that we

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can start to institute that would

start to change that status quo.

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The way that we ultimately feel

right now can ultimately change

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for the better as a whole.

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It means that we have to, though, examine

if the emotional state has changed.

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Every time that you practice this, I

want you to write down every single

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new emotion that you might have.

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Maybe there is a different

phrasing that you're feeling.

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Maybe there has been a noticeable shift.

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That's where the power of journaling

with this comes into mind, and helps you

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to overcome those challenging dilemmas

so that once and for all, when you're

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faced with that circumstance, you're

able to keep moving forward, build

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that consensus, have that dynamic of

that situation shift, and once and for

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all, you can stop being stuck in the

after effects that we typically feel.

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Now, you might be asking yourself

after hearing this great analysis and

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having this meaningful advice, "Josh!

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I just don't feel comfortable about this.

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I feel really uncertain about whether

this change will really happen.",

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and I'm going to be honest with you.

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It might not happen.

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It might not be something that

is easily done after one try.

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It might not happen after two tries,

three tries, but I promise you that

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if you continue to stay with it,

just like any sort of great thing,

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you can start to build a habit.

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Habits are great ways in which we can

diffuse something that might've been

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really bad in the past, challenge the

status quo of the present, but see what

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the envisioned future looks like by having

a better habit that receives continuous

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feedback, and allows us to have some

perception of whether it's working or not.

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Regardless of the way in which

you want to measure it, it's okay

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to not be perfect the first time.

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I wish as a child that I was told that,

even with my own autism, because it

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would have made such a big difference

to be reassured that even though

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I wasn't able to do that right the

first time, it's okay to get back on.

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It's okay to have that pat on the back,

saying, "Josh, you're going to be alright.

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Just keep going.

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Keep doing what you're doing.

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You're doing a great job.", because

sometimes we need that reassurance.

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We need to know that we're doing the

right thing, and sometimes doing the

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right thing means that we have to have

a different perspective, even when

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that perspective might be something

that is very hard to find in itself.

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Regardless of whether it's a

coach, a friend, a family member

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that you trust, I promise you.

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If you put this into motion today, it

will happen, whether it will happen

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tomorrow, whether it will happen

the next day, a month from now, six

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months from now, even a year from now.

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It's all about building muscle, and in

the muscle world, especially when it comes

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to our brains, building that consistent,

positive habit can help diffuse what

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you might be feeling inside of yourself.

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I know that for many of us,

we are faced with challenging

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dilemmas of all shapes and sizes.

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The circumstances that we might be faced

with, the various situations, whether

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they're personal, professional, business

related, all have different contexts.

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It means that we have to analyze,

break down, showcase why it's so

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important to figure out how we can

create better decisions; how we can

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not get stuck in these after effects,

because once we address the after

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effects, we can be better stewards of

our own lives, being able to resolve

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problems at a moment's notice, and

stop holding ourselves back, thinking

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that we can't overcome the impossible.

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I know that for you and me, practice,

practice, practice can be very tough,

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but in this ever changing world in

which we have to put in the hard work,

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if you're able to at least do that,

if you're able to at least shift the

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needle forward, being able to even put

the baby steps, one foot in front of

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the other, on these types of practices

that I've showcased today, I know that

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you're going to be much better off.

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You're going to be much better in

terms of your overall handling of the

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situation that you're facing, and oh yes!

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The thoughts that were once holding

you back will ultimately disappear,

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looking like shadows of your former

self, and helping you to see what you're

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ultimately capable of becoming, which

is something pretty darn spectacular,

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and knowing that you're no longer being

held back by those limited beliefs, those

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limited things that have always been

holding you back for so long, it would

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be pretty nice to see somebody that is

very upright, confident, and very brave

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in being able to take on something that

has been holding them back, but is now

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making them stand stronger, even more

prouder than they ever had before.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 163 of Speaking from the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.