We’ve all had bad days. Bad years. Bad fights. Bad jobs. Hard losses. And in this Emotional Push-Up, Dr. Emily isn’t going to tell you that it’s all going to be ok. Nope. Instead, she’s going to tell you to feel it. Because sometimes it’s better to let yourself feel shitty than it is to push your feelings aside and move on too quickly. Co-Founder and CEO of Nira, Hiten Shah, joins this episode to talk about how a more realistic outlook helped him deal with a particularly tough time in his own life.

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Monday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

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The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by Nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-Ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together! Hey, there Fit fans! I am so excited to be here today with Hiten Shah, co-founder and CEO of Nira. Hiten, thank you so much for joining me to do this push up today.

Thanks for having me.

Absolutely. So Hiten, I'm curious, have you ever been going through a difficult moment in your life and had someone tried to comfort you by telling you that whatever happened was for the best?

Yeah, for sure.

And what was that like for you? Did that feel comforting, what came up for you in that moment?

The story that I would tell is very different, where they didn't exactly comfort me, but told me the harsh reality, to me that was oddly comforting at the time.

Got it. Well, this idea that we comfort people who are going through a hard time by saying that the tough thing was for the best, I hear this from a lot of people with really good intentions who are trying to comfort themselves or loved ones. They're trying to support them. The thing is though, my belief is that this idea that bad things happen for a reason or that they're for the best, is an attempt to avoid the painful feelings that come up in us and in other people when life is hard. When it comes to the difficult things we face, I believe that everything does not always have to be for the best. It's okay if a painful experience didn't make you stronger. It's okay if you're angry about something you had to endure and not grateful for how it shaped you. Sometimes things are just shitty, and that's okay. I think surviving is enough. What do you think about this idea, Hiten?

I agree with it. To me, the whole concept, it's just interesting that someone outside of yourself can make you feel a certain way in the first place. So I think starting there, there's so many factors as to how someone's going to react to someone else trying to comfort them. And I think this idea of us comforting each other leads to codependency and other things as well. Not to say it's completely bad or negative or anything, we should all be conscious of what we're doing to each other so to speak. That's, I guess, my take on it.

That's interesting. It sounds like you're saying, we have this idea that people make us feel things, but really we each have our own feelings.

We make ourselves feel things, not other people making us feel things.

I like that perspective. Well, that leads to our push up today which is all about allowing ourselves to honor the tough feelings we have about our difficult moments and circumstances without rushing in with silver linings too quickly. So Hiten, step one of this push up is to think of a tough thing that you've experienced. It could be a big thing you've been through like losing someone you love, but it could also be something like being passed up for a promotion or drifting apart from a friend. So for those listening in, press pause while you think of your example or keep listening to hear what Hiten shares. So Hiten, what came to mind for you that you want to make space for today?

For me, it was actually when my mother passed away. So I was eight years old when she passed away. We lived in an apartment building in New York, my father and my grandparents on his side, so my dad's parents. And at one point my dad, we walked downstairs of the apartment just him and I, and he basically stopped me and said, "Hey, look around. Nothing's changed for everybody else, but everything's changed for us," and he left it at that. And he wasn't trying to comfort me. He was actually aiming to give me the reality of the situation in a very, I would say, stoic way, but also compassionate.

He pulled off both at the same time, and I think that's representative of just my life in general, but also the way I was raised by him in particular, in such a way where it's like you accept what happened, but you don't have to lie to yourself about it or even comfort yourself about it. Just accept it, sit in it if you want to call it that. And so, I don't know, young me, something happened and I got some story in my head from that, obviously, but I think that it was one of the most powerful things he's done for me.

Wow. At such an important moment, it sounds like you got what you needed from him, just a recognition, just not denying reality, letting it be okay and true that this was a life changing event.

That's right.

Well, first of all, thank you so much for sharing that. Eight years old is a really, really a hard time to lose a mom, and it's a true testament to your character and the support of your family that you have come so far and done so much. And so step two of this push up is to make space for the tough feelings that this thing brought up which it sounds like your dad did for you in that moment. Feelings like grief, pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, envy, confusion, angst, these are all feelings that we often try to push away by telling ourself that something's for the best or it was meant to be, and instead, I want to invite people to make space.

And when I say make space, I mean, anything that allows you to lean toward those feelings in a way that feels safe, so that might be writing in a journal about it or bringing it up in therapy, talking about it with a friend, putting on a sad song and letting yourself have a good cry. And if now isn't a good time to do it, that's okay, but maybe put some time on your calendar or set some time aside. Hiten, I know this happened to you a really long time ago. I'm curious, what does making space for how this affected your life look like for you?

For me, when I want to remember the time in my life, so when I was a kid, I'll put on songs that my mom used to play for me as I was a kid, and they actually make me happy as a memory of her. I don't remember much about her. I remember enough, but not that much, and so this is my way of comforting myself.

Oh, I love that. And you bring up a really important point which is that there are beautiful feelings in our tough moments as well, and that they're not mutually exclusive. We can have both types of feelings at the same time.

Yeah. The shape of life is not a shape that's recognizable, so you're going to go through lots of stuff. It's not a circle, it's not a square. There's not just more points to it. There's an unlimited amount of experiences and things that color in that shape, and that's your life. So I don't view things as good or bad anymore as much as just the state of things, and doing my best to deal with them in whatever way or capacity that I can at the time. I also, don't blame myself for any kind of reactions that I wasn't able to handle at any given time either instead accept that, and do better next time kind of thing. So that's the way I think about it, and my way of describing it is just the shape of your life. There is no recognizable shape of anyone's life.

That's beautifully put, and what a lovely life philosophy which I feel like is embodied in what your father said to you in that moment of, "This is just what's true now, and here we are in it," so I love that. And the final part of this pushup is that when the time comes for us to lean into these feelings, that we try not to spend that time talking ourselves out of our feelings. That we let it be okay that we're sad or angry or happy or anything else that comes up, that we maybe even can feel bad for ourself in a loving way. And then also, if and when a friend or loved one comes to you for comfort or support when they're going through something tough that you might resist the urge to talk them out of their feelings or to convince them that it's for the best too quickly. So Hiten, I'm curious, how does it feel to talk about this? I mean, I feel like in a way, this is a pushup you've been doing all your life. What's it like to bring it up now?

Yeah. You mentioned this, but I'll use the word. It's acceptance of the experience regardless of how you feel about it in any given moment because your feelings about an experience can change, but does that really mean that how you feel about it changed at the core? I don't know. That's what we develop as humans as we let our minds and hearts run away from us or run away with us, whatever way you want to look at it. So just acceptance just comes to mind as a theme, at least for me right now.

I love that. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us, for flexing your feels and breaking an emotional sweat with me today. It was a pleasure as always.

Thank you.

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New Push-Ups drop every Tuesday and Thursday. Did you do today's Push-Up alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!