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Episode #10 | Wedding Priorities | After You Get Engaged | The Un-Wedding Podcast
Episode 1016th February 2022 • The Un-Wedding Podcast • YPF Weddings & Co. Inc.
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Welcome to the second episode in our series on the Un-Wedding Podcast, What to Do After You Get Engaged. As engagement season is upon us, we're going to breakdown what you should do both immediately after getting engaged, and what to do in the days, weeks, and months after, to not only help you rock your wedding planning journey, but to set the tone for your engagement - an all-important, and often glazed over, stage of intimate relationships.

In this week's episode, we're going to be talking about figuring out what really matters to both you and your partner when it comes to your wedding day, and how to include your family in this process (if you want to!) while setting and maintain boundaries and ultimately have the tools you need to make this wedding uniquely yours.

Learn more about us and our movement: https://unweddingmovement.com

Transcripts

Sydney Spidell 0:11

Welcome to the Un-Wedding Podcast. I'm Sydney

Corina Waldie 0:14

and I'm Corina

Sydney Spidell 0:15

We're two neurodiverse wedding planners who are committed to empowering nearlyweds to throw out the wedding rulebook, shrink their guest lists and create a meaningful, purposeful, wedding experience. We're taking the wedding industry by storm and disrupting the status quo. We're the Un-Wedding Planners and we invite you to join our movement.

Corina Waldie 0:33

We record our podcast from Treaty Six Territory, a traditional gathering place for diverse indigenous peoples including the Cree, Blackfoot, Metis, Nakota Sioux, Iroquois, Dene, Ojibwe, Salto, Anishinaabe, Inuit, and many others, whose histories, languages and cultures continue to influence our vibrant community.

Corina Waldie 0:58

Welcome to the second episode in our new series on the Un-Wedding Podcast, What to Do After You Get Engaged. We're breaking down all the steps you should take in those key days to not only get your wedding planning journey off on the right foot, but actually set yourself up to enjoy your engagement period, a point in many relationships that often gets glazed over because the whole focus gets put on to the wedding.

Sydney Spidell 1:19

And this week's episode, we're going to be talking about figuring out what really matters to both you and your partner when it comes to your wedding day. How to include your family in this process, if you want to, while setting and maintaining boundaries, and ultimately, have the tools you need to make this wedding uniquely yours.

Corina Waldie 1:36

So today, honestly, let's talk about what priorities are, what things that you should consider

Sydney Spidell 1:42

what could be a priority,

Corina Waldie 1:44

I think definitely the first one 100% is guest count. Obviously, through the Un-Wedding Movement, we focus specifically on small weddings and the value of a small wedding. But I think when it comes to thinking about priorities for your wedding, this is kind of going to be one of the most important.

Sydney Spidell 2:00

It's something that people leave to a little bit later on in the consideration process sometimes too, you know, partially because maybe it feels a little bit rude to be thinking about who you're going to pick out of a list of people in your life. But it really does guide so many other decisions that you make and is regardless of whether your priorities on sticking to that size, or whatever you decide the beginning, it's at least something that you should talk about pretty early on in the process

Corina Waldie 2:28

and guest count is hands down going to have the largest impact on any other decision that you make, especially your budget. And so it's very important to think about, like the number of people that you want present, because every guest that is there, you are going to be paying a set amount of money roughly for them.

Sydney Spidell 2:47

Yeah, people talk about price per plate, like, similarly on a grander scale. That's just a good way to understand how wedding budgets grow and shrink, but we're really going to dig into that one. Next week.

Corina Waldie 2:59

Absolutely. And when we're talking about guest count, it's important to think about, you know, do you want something super small, just immediate family and even close loved ones? Do you want something maybe middle of the road where you expand that guest list, you have your close loved ones, but you invite a few close, like semi closish, closist..

Sydney Spidell 3:18

Hello closeish. It sounds like kind of, let's say it sounds like like a name from Harry Potter. Closeish comes in...

Corina Waldie 3:28

Well, yeah. Welcome to my brain.

Sydney Spidell 3:31

That the people that you see not necessarily regularly, but are an important part of your life in some regard. They're just not the they're not the daily people.

Corina Waldie 3:43

Or do you imagine the big shindig with every person and their mother that you've known...

Sydney Spidell 3:46

Everybody, plus ones, you get a plus one, and you get a plus one. And you get plus three because I've seen your kids and they are cute.

Corina Waldie 3:55

Right? So the thing that's definitely one of the most important things to consider when you're thinking about these priorities for your wedding off the hop.

Sydney Spidell 4:03

So that one kind of shapes the others, but the rest of them that we're going to talk about, we're just going to kind of run through a list of a few things that could be priority considerations, then we're going to talk about how to choose those. But after that guest count, I mean time of year, okay, you're a basic bitch, you love your pumpkin spice. Maybe you want those fall leaves, I am saying you-

Corina Waldie 4:25

I know. I had a pumpkin spice on the way to recording today.

Sydney Spidell 4:31

You know, like, maybe that whole fall aesthetic is your vibe. And so fall is going to be something that shapes other things. Or maybe it's just, you know, like, everybody's a student. So this time is going to be the easiest time to make this work.

Corina Waldie 4:46

Yeah. Or, you know, maybe you are looking to have, you know, maybe save a little bit of money. And so you think about the off season, so I mean something during the winter when rates come down because it's off season. That could be another option to look at

Sydney Spidell 5:03

Also leads into that whole location thing, because just because as we talked about our last episode, it may be off season where you are, but it's on season somewhere

Corina Waldie 5:15

Very much.

Sydney Spidell 5:15

So yeah, figuring out where in the world, you're going to get hitched.

Corina Waldie 5:21

Well, and you know, it's like, do you imagine a hometown wedding. Something close to home? Either in your actual hometown or, you know, a nearby city? Are you thinking about something like, I don't know, well we're in Alberta here, so the Rockies? Maybe having something in Banff or Jasper? Are you thinking about a destination? Are you thinking about something in Mexico on a beach, that location is also a very important priority, potentially, to think about

Sydney Spidell 5:46

and either narrows down, or this narrows down your location and that's thinking about what your venue is going to be like, because if it is a destination wedding in Mexico, then a beach is a great option. If it's in Edmonton in the winter, a beach probably is isn't right. Are there even beaches here?

Corina Waldie 6:06

We don't really have a beach, I was gonna say there's Alberta Beach if you go a little bit out

Sydney Spidell 6:14

Yeah, don't do a beach wedding here. Yeah, but also too maybe you're dead set on a winery, you know, that's going to limit - you're not going to do that in the middle of the Prairies. You know, you're gonna go somewhere with

Corina Waldie 6:27

Probably Kelowna, Napa, you know,

Sydney Spidell 6:29

Some liquid in the soil.

Corina Waldie 6:31

You know, there could be, you know, something as formal as you know, your venue could be like, you know, I just I imagined myself in a banquet hall or hotel, or it could be as casual as you know, what we just want to be out in nature and get married surrounded by the mountains?

Sydney Spidell 6:44

Yes, whoever has the biggest backyard?

Corina Waldie 6:46

Yeah, exactly. So that venue, the venue and location, really kind of go hand in hand, but they are, you know, like, yes, count are going to start to dramatically shift to the kind of wedding that you're thinking about.

Sydney Spidell 7:00

Absolutely. So will traditions, whether you're from a particular culture, your partner's from same or different culture, those are things to navigate and consider, different religions, and just different familial traditions as well. All of these things are, you know, things to consider in terms of is this important to me is my traditions, sorry, are my traditions, is my religion, you know, something that I really, really want to make sure I'm including in here, or on the absolute reverse, especially this world that we are living in is so much more accepting and affirming and understanding and open than the world was before, at least in our society. And, you know, perhaps traditions are a priority to you, because whatever religion or cultural tradition or family history you come from, those traditions are set up on a basis of an outdated or offensive or just not in alignment with who you are set of ideals and understandings and social conceptions. So, you know, maybe tradition is a priority for you, because you're wanting to ensure that your space is safe for your identity, so that you can show who you are. And so you don't feel like you have to put any of yourself aside, just to incorporate in what somebody else thinks is the way to go.

Corina Waldie 8:32

Absolutely. And there's also something to point out, you know, our society, as we say, has shifted quite a bit. And not necessarily all of us come from the standard, you know, North American traditional family, a mom and a dad and two and a half kids and a dog. You know, we have a lot of blended families, we have LGBTQ+ families, you know, a lot of traditions were developed with that sort of standardized, you know, nuclear family in mind. So they might not necessarily apply to you. And I've been blunt about it, like, you know, maybe you don't have for example, because a lot of traditions tend to revolve around parents. Maybe you don't have that parent. And maybe you don't want to do that tradition associated with that parent because, you know, da da da. I don't have you know, I lost my dad, seven years ago, almost eight, you know, so if I was to get married again, I can tell you I'm not going to do probably you know, have my dad escort me down the aisle or a father daughter dance. You know, there can

Sydney Spidell 9:27

Yeah, or some sort of stand in for those things just because it's alluding to something that you know, isn't, isn't yours?

Corina Waldie 9:35

Yeah, very much like, you know, with traditions or figuring out when it comes to considering traditions, it's just as much about what traditions you want, as about what you don't want. And having those in mind moving forward.

Sydney Spidell 9:47

Yeah, none of those things should ever negate who you are and your needs. And what this event is to you. It's they shouldn't come over you ever. Another thing you know how important is formality to you? How you fancy of a ball would you like it to be? Or how chill have a ceremony dude, you know, like where you fallin'?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, very much you can there's definitely a giant scale. Do you imagine your guests showing up in tuxedos and ballgowns? Or do you imagine them, you know, maybe with their khakis and you know, button down shirts and sundresses on a beach somewhere? What sort of formality and structure do you, you know, is important to you? Do you want something laid back and casual, or something a little bit more staunch and formal?

Sydney Spidell:

Notice we didn't say sweatpants.

Corina Waldie:

Sweatpants are never okay.

Sydney Spidell:

Just Just don't? Just don't? I mean, unless you're the couple and you ask everybody to wear sweats in which case...do it. Okay, what else to consider? Well, we talked about this in our drama dynasty conversation that series, we talked about party pirates. We talked about things to be aware of in your wedding party, things that might have caused drama. But aside from the drama, how important are these people that you include to be your attendants and to be your people of honour in this, in this situation in the ceremony

Corina Waldie:

is thinking about, you know, how, how many do you potentially want? It's a very rough rule of thumb, but we typically say one for each partner, for every 50 guests. Yeah, I think rules are made to be broken. But yeah.

Sydney Spidell:

What is, putting a pause in the flow here...What is the, do you know the reason why that rule exists? It just feels like a balance of crowd to people up at the front

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, I don't think there's really, you know, I don't even know where it honestly comes from.I feel like yeah, you definitely might want to think about like the number of people to you know, if you have, especially if you're eloping, you might think about like one person if that. Yeah, but you know,

Sydney Spidell:

Have 17 people on either side of you

Corina Waldie:

My brain went 27 Dresses with the long line of bridesmaids there at the end.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah. I mean, you could do that. That's definitely a visual statement. For sure. It seems like it's mostly about the sort of visual balance,

Corina Waldie:

Yeah its a visual balance, like if you have I think, honestly, like, if you have 100 people or less, three or four, I would top it personally at 3 or 4.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah. I mean, frankly, this is added expense. It's added considerations and stops along the way. And it again, sort of going back to that conversation that we had in party pirates is figuring out what role these people actually play in this wedding. So yeah.

Corina Waldie:

And also thinking about your relationship with these people too, not inviting somebody just because you feel that they should be there.

Sydney Spidell:

Is your wedding party a priority over some of the other things that we've already talked about, or some of the things that we're going to be talking about? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, very much another, you know, point to really think about, and this is an important one to establish early on, because it has a massive impact on the budget. And that's what photography, what level of photography and videography you want for yourwedding, because they are a significant cost to have a pro onsite for that many hours. And so making sure you know, if you imagine yourself, you know, maybe watching the wedding video someday - Don't honestly don't let anybody tell you "Oh, you'll never watch it" If its something you value if it's something you want.

Sydney Spidell:

And you're the person who goes back and watches old movies. Like I'm the person who watches old videos all the time. I would probably have a Saturday PJ's watching the wedding video and crying regime, right?

Corina Waldie:

Like, you know, there's some argument videography tech, but you'll never watch it again, whatever. If it's something you'll value if it's something that you want. Cool, just make a decision about it so that it can be budgeted for early on

Sydney Spidell:

The cost comes not only in that person's presence, that person's actual talent of being able to capture good photos of you because maybe you're model and you know how to pose for the camera, but maybe you're me and you don't. And it's gonna be hard work for that person trying to make you look like a normal human being and not a strange alien.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, and let's be honest, editing and there's a lot of technical skills like photography and videography. You know,

Sydney Spidell:

do you want a Polaroid blurry with someone's finger in it on your mantle? Is that the level of importance? Is that kind of a novelty moment going to be what you want? Like theoretically, I could see myself being like, hey, yeah, this is my wedding photography, what a hoot. But if you want an image that is going to or many or whatever that is going to hold a significant place in your home and your heart and in your memories going down the road. You know, maybe that's a priority for you

Corina Waldie:

Very much.

Sydney Spidell:

It takes talent to not, to be able to capture a photo that captures the time and makes it look still in line with what is out there and popular, while not giving you something that your kids look at down the road and be like, "Oh my gosh, you were that?"

Corina Waldie:

Yeah. And honestly, when it comes to photography, too, there's a very different don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong, a lot of smartphones today, they take much better pictures than they used to, I recall grainy, crappy quality photos from even a few years ago.

Sydney Spidell:

I had Blackberrys up until my current phone so camera quality was never something I experienced.

Corina Waldie:

But there's a very big difference between a photo that somebody snaps on an iPhone versus the quality that you're going to get from a professional photographer or videographer, for that matter,

Sydney Spidell:

Especially people who capture weddings and you know, moments like that, versus somebody who has done event photography at concerts or something, right? Like, there's so many different aspects that go into it. So how important is that picture to you?

Corina Waldie:

Another important point to consider is your attire. So this what comes to mind is, especially with, you know, a wedding dress, if you value a certain, you know, if you're like a Say Yes to the Dress addict, and you imagine a beautiful ball gown by Pnina Tornai that costs $25,000. Well, you know, we need to know about that priority a little early on, so that you can budget for it, or allocate for, allocate for that.

Sydney Spidell:

And if that is a priority to you, and you haven't set aside the necessary time to consider that, then you're going to end up in whatever shop has something, something, something like what you wanted, and you're going to end up accepting the first alteration versus whatever because the turnaround time is going to be there are so many factors that go into that. And again, with designers, especially if it's a particular gown style, something, they may not be local, they may not be in your country. And I mean, frankly, if a ship gets turned around in the Suez Canal, are you getting your dress?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, well, it's something to point out that when it comes to a wedding dress, specifically, if you have your heart set on a specific style, specific designers, etc, that it can take easily up to nine plus months for a dress to come in. Because when it comes to wedding attire, if it's not purchased off the rack, and it's ordered directly from the designer, the designer doesn't keep a big warehouse of dresses somewhere that they can just drop in the mail unless you're David's Bridal. That's a different story. But you know, but if you're thinking about a specific designer, that dress is not typically cut or made for you, made until it is ordered. Yeah, and that order is placed by the Bridal Salon. So it's really important to you know, if you have that option, if you want something specific, you need to start shopping about a year in advance because you do have that nine month time period as alterations

Sydney Spidell:

Well you can go for your first fitting and then have a baby and then get your pre baby body back in the time that it takes for them to get your dress ready

Corina Waldie:

It's kind of madness. So yeah, whether you know so that's your dress like I said, specific designers, also just even in kind of leads back a little bit into formality. Maybe you don't imagine a white dress if you want something that's coloured. You know we're seeing more and more coloured attire which makes me so happy to see coloured wedding dresses coming on trend again,

Sydney Spidell:

So much fun

Corina Waldie:

They are - they're so much fun. And then also you know even for the men side of things if that was, the men's side, or those who are choosing to wear suits

Sydney Spidell:

Okay, can we be thankful to so many incredible celebrities out in the world right now? Masculine presenting celebs who are rocking the red carpet in gowns, in outfits with full of color and frill and detail and whatever. And being like no, no, no boys, fashion is your playground too. Like you, you do not have to say goodbye to your manliness, if you want to look sharp and good and whatever and pick out something that speaks to your personality and makes you feel fly as hell like those. There. There are opportunities to you if you want to feel like that. Maybe attire is a priority.

Corina Waldie:

Yes, very much. Especially like said if you're looking for something custom you want to you know, I kind of got one little soapbox, soapbox we've talked about with hetero note a little bit with heteronormative couples where the bride tends to get a lot more attention then the groom and the groom will go and you know go down to suit shop and rent a suit for $150

Sydney Spidell:

Where is Moores Clothing for Men?

Corina Waldie:

And the bride will have spent 1000s of dollars on their attire. I think we should normalize men getting a custom suit or at least buying a nice suit for their wedding day.

Sydney Spidell:

I definitely think so. Boys deserve the bespoke life.

Corina Waldie:

Very, very, much

Sydney Spidell:

Or you know, they also get a gown.

Corina Waldie:

Whatever, however they choose to express themselves. But just you know what, like I said, making sure that both members of a couple no matter how they identify, look-

Sydney Spidell:

Just because it's a wedding does not mean that you need to lose your style and lose your taste and lose your individual "you"ness, because it's typically the other partner that gets that goods. Yeah, no, heck no.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, just definitely. Like I said, prioritizing that sort of thing.

Sydney Spidell:

Also, like, what is going to be fun at the wedding? How are you going to, how are you going to stay entertained? Because you can do the classic DJ, dance floor. Let's go. Everybody do the cupid shuffle, like that opportunity is there for you. And that's generally gonna be something that's a little bit easier to plan, then, you know, fire spinners, or, you know, a choir of dogs.

Corina Waldie:

Oh, well, we also we have a wedding we're working on right now with the real possibility of axe throwing. I'm very excited for that one.

Corina Waldie:

You know, like, that's just nothing screams wedding to me more than Vikings.

Corina Waldie:

But you know, when it comes to entertainment, there's a lot of different options. There's things everything from you know, thinking about, okay, maybe you imagine a harpist or a trio of strings being there as you go down the aisle and having that live music element, maybe instead of a DJ, you imagine a specific band or more specific, if you have the money for it, if you have, maybe you have a specific singer or somebody you want to bring in.

Sydney Spidell:

Maybe you need Beyonce there, that's a priority. She's got engagements already made. So like you gotta book her soon.

Corina Waldie:

You know, also all the way to the other end of maybe you want roving entertainment like magicians or jugglers or those sorts of things. Yeah, I picked up a lot of weird people contacts...

Sydney Spidell:

Palm Reader

Corina Waldie:

...working in the museum world.

Sydney Spidell:

Or you know, a mentalist, and that might be maybe don't go that direction...

Corina Waldie:

Actually, they're pretty cool

Sydney Spidell:

... you don't need people getting a little bit too introspective at your wedding and everybody's crying at the end.

Corina Waldie:

You know, it's regardless, it's thinking about how do you want to, you know, yeah, kind of,

Sydney Spidell:

It's not just vows, and then dinner, right? There's stuff that happens in between and around.

Corina Waldie:

And it kind of, you know, just to sort of skip over a couple here on our list. It also very much goes into guest experience. Yeah. And thinking about the kind of experience that you want to provide,

Sydney Spidell:

which if you've been listening to this podcast, for however long we've been making this podcast, you've probably noticed that purpose, intention and experience are pretty high on our list of things, of our priorities, as planners that we really see, too. So clearly, we think this is important. Because yeah, again, like I said, it's not just ceremony and then dinner. You're going to be busy during that time if you're the couple, like, you're not really gonna have too much, "Yeah, let's just hang out" in there. There's, there's things for you to accomplish during that day. And all of those other people, no matter how many there are, that aren't in that with you? What are they doing for that time? Are they going to be enjoying themselves? Are they going to resent you for taking so long on getting your photos done because they're just waiting, waiting for you somewhere? How can you structure your day so that, you know what their, what their day is important to you? Or do you know that they're just there to show up for you when they're gonna be there, whatever. So, you know, if they're kind of annoyed for 15 minutes, because all they are doing is playing Snake on their phone? Does anybody still have snake on their phone?

Corina Waldie:

I don't. That being said, I know, I'm sure you could download it

Sydney Spidell:

You can probably get it.

Corina Waldie:

Some modern version of it.

Sydney Spidell:

You know like if that's if that's not something that is is as important as getting those incredible photos. Maybe Maybe you just put up a couple of old phones with snake on it.

Corina Waldie:

But if you like I said it ultimately comes down to when we're talking about guest experience. And honestly, all the other things we're talking about in this list will feed into that experience. But it's thinking about, you know, this might sound kind of basic, but it's thinking about how at its most basic level, how you would want to be treated. Yeah. Right? And I think

Sydney Spidell:

you're going somewhere, what makes you feel comfortable and makes you feel as though you're not forgotten?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, is making sure that you know, I think sometimes there's a little bit of a risk in the sense of, you know, where, yes, we're focusing on you as the couple getting married. But remembering that these people are also taking time, money, you know, out of their lives to come and support you and making sure that you know, they get even the basic stuff like decently fed. Yeah, they get, you know, I'm a big proponent of some kind of free alcohol, doesn't necessarily have to be a full open bar. But you know, some form of alcohol provided by the wedding in some way where they can have a drink and relax and chill out

Sydney Spidell:

That being said, if you are intentionally having a dry wedding for religious reasons, or for addiction reasons, anything like that, you know, safety and, and comfort comes first. But if that's not something that impacts it - if you're thinking primarily on sort of a budget kind of a situation, that's why that's where we're bringing this in. Yeah, it's being that that host and making sure you're taking care of your guests

Corina Waldie:

Yes, very much. I can't remember I think I spoke about it once. Like I went to this wedding once, I travelled quite a distance to travel, and I didn't really get to eat. Yeah. At the time, I was a vegetarian, and literally got one, a small salad and a plate with six stuff pastas and everybody else who ate meat, got a full plate of meat, vegetables, and I was hungry the entire night. So it's just thinking, and that's unfortunately, the one thing that I remember the most from that wedding is how hungry I was.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, I mean, okay, if you think about it, I mean, I'm not the hangriest person out there. But I have a couple of friends who get to be pretty crabby when there ain't no food in them. And I know my one friend Megan, if you'd like she's not gonna say good things about your wedding if she didn't get fed. Feed Megan, please.

Corina Waldie:

But honestly, you know, that's food and beverage. You know is important, you know, is thinking about, like, how much food do you want there? Obviously, we live in a world where sustainability is also important. Where we want to think about the quantities that we're ordering, especially, maybe not as much on the appetizers, as appetizers tend to get eaten because people are hungry, but especially on the dessert. And if you do like a late night, any kind of lightning snack or late night buffet that tends to go to waste. So you actually really typically order that at a smaller quantity than the total number of guests

Sydney Spidell:

Pare back a little bit go for go for the quality, and then also actually check on the quality of all the dishes going out to your people. Yeah.

Corina Waldie:

And then also too with beverage, you know, do you want top shelf liquor served? So yeah, again, assuming you're moving forward with alcohol is having high quality liquor or even potentially looking at bartenders who can entertain your guests. Bartending can be another great form of entertainment.

Sydney Spidell:

Bartending. Yeah, like two birds. One stone. Why not? There are so many show bartenders out there and you get a classy cocktail named after you like heck yeah, yep. Do it up.

Corina Waldie:

And also, of course, different styles of foodservice. You know, do you imagine a plated meal, that tends to be a lot more formal over a buffet, or family style serving, which I actually picked family style is one of my favorites, because then people can kind of it's kind of like the best of both worlds.

Sydney Spidell:

Less interaction from servers, you don't feel like you have to leave your space, like less, not less interaction from servers, like get the staff away from me. But more of the fact that they don't have to check on 17 plates at once they're checking on the big refills, and they're able to care a little bit more closer for you.

Corina Waldie:

Definitely,

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, that's a good one.

Corina Waldie:

Also, you know, in terms of, I think another huge element that is important when you're thinking about your priorities is the level of decor and florals. Now to a degree, this is going to be again, dictated by the venue that you have, you know, certain venues do definitely have a je ne sais quoi about them where you don't need to necessarily spend a lot to enhance that space,

Sydney Spidell:

that's a good way to make your decision on your space and, what it looks like to if you know that the image that you have in mind for decor, for florals is going to be something that ends up costing you an arm and a leg, maybe you want to be very, very intentional about the backdrop for the ceremony, about the space that you're in. About finding something that's a little bit more unique, so that it stands on its own, so that you can actually put that love and effort into that decor element that is coming out there. And it just enhances the space rather than hides it, which is sometimes what you're gonna have to be doing. If you're in something a little bit more generic, like a banquet hall. It's it's gonna look like your grandfather's, you know, retirement party after 16 years on the force. And it's just going to be slightly different because there's white roses in the corner. So in that kind of a situation, your decor budget is going to go up - you're going to want those lighting and curtain walls you're going to want you know, a wall of greenery, whatever it is. So, yeah, where's sort of the balance that ends up coming up in here and consider just the fact that yeah, those are going to take a big bite out of your budget.

Corina Waldie:

And also if you're like Sydney with your big Pinterest board of stuff, as we mentioned, where you know, you haven't certainly idea of the what I will call the level of decor that you want, are you okay with more simple decor, especially when it comes to flowers? Flowers are a potential huge expense. So when it comes to florals, do you imagine yourself having, you know, something a little bit smaller, a little bit more on the simple end? Or do you imagine something grand and glorious. And you know, that's something else to also consider because, you know, with flowers, especially the floral world right now is an absolute nightmare with supply chain issues, thanks to COVID. And so

Sydney Spidell:

Another opportunity there eh to focus a little bit more on local, yeah, you know, your, your native species that are actually there.

Corina Waldie:

And especially if you're getting married here in Alberta, in the summer, like, especially anywhere from about July, on to early September, we actually have a lot of very lovely local florals that you can get local wildflowers and things like that, that are actually quite gorgeous. We're even just thinking about, you know, it's also you know, more sustainable, less of a an ecological footprint.

Sydney Spidell:

We love sustainability.

Corina Waldie:

That being said, you know, thinking about that scale that level, if you envision, like I said, if you envision something, you know, like a June wedding at the Plaza, a la Bride Wars, you know, understanding that that is going to need to be accounted for when you're doing your budget.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, yeah. And like, there are always things that you can do, like choose opportunities for statement pieces in your florals and your decor. So that it draws the eye and, and it is something and then have small things that just tie in a theme from it. But talking about theme, that's also like, Another priority is talking about your theme and your color scheme and all of that. I think those two things kind of that and the decor and flowers. For me, a reason that I might prioritize those things, is yeah, partly because I'm a hedonist and I like everything pretty and beautiful, and to tickle all of my senses all at once. But also, because I'm a huge mythology, and symbolism and storytelling nerd. And, to me things like the symbology, behind different flowers, different colors, different whatever. Those all are very important things to me, I like knowing why I've chosen to do something. Intention. You may have noticed, it's big with us. You know, I've even thought about that long term. For a long time regarding engagement rings, I've planned my own engagement ring too. I'm a treat. Gosh darn, doesn't everone really want to date me?

Sydney Spidell:

Now you just need the guy.

Sydney Spidell:

No, I'm fine my own. But I've always sort of, you know, as much as I like the look of a two carat on my finger 2.5, even maybe three,you know, like, a diamond isn't the stone, that means something to me, you know, I want to know, the story behind this gem in the properties and the different stories that it held for different cultures throughout time. The flowers, that the choices you make in that space of creating that setting, all of this is going to evoke emotion, all of this is gonna evoke association, and I'm big on associative memories. So I want something to make me, to transport me into other good things, whether that's places I've been, or experiences I've felt, whatever, I want it all to represent something. Yeah, hopefully we can edit out my stomach gurgle. But, you know, those things then might be a higher priority for me than other people. Because of you know, that I care about that meaning. I can guarantee you so many people out there are like "A rose means something?" They're not gonna be the people that are prioritizing those.

Corina Waldie:

Okay, so or maybe you have a favorite colour that you want to feature like, there can be any sort of different things that you know,

Sydney Spidell:

You look beautiful in ruby red. Yeah.

Corina Waldie:

Or maybe you hate that color and you don't want that to be present.

Sydney Spidell:

Absolutely no red ever. The Red Wedding, not your jam.

Corina Waldie:

Also, another element to it, that's also quite important to think about is transportation, logistics and transportation in general. How are you getting people from point A to point B, whether that's yourself and your wedding party, whether that's your guests? If you're having a local wedding, maybe that's looking at a service that can you know, maybe like a bus or something that can get people to the hotel

Sydney Spidell:

We talked about this last episode with that wedding insurance and stuff and making sure you're keeping everybody safe. And this is going to be one of those factors that plays a huge into that is transportation, something that you should prioritize because you know, it's going to be a ranger, you know, it's going to be a party. If it is that people are likely going to be getting intoxicated at your wedding, you should have a shuttle, you should have some sort key drop planned, designated drivers planned, whatever to help keep you and your guests safe.

Corina Waldie:

But also, you know, kind of the other end of things when it comes to transportation, it's also you know, maybe you imagined, you know, a horse and carriage. I had a horse and carriage, I've talked a little bit about it in the past. You know, that was something that was super fun and a great memory.

Sydney Spidell:

When I was a kid. I assumed I'd ride into the woodland clearing, I would be married in on a horse.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, I was just you know, if there's something that

Sydney Spidell:

Rolls Royce

Corina Waldie:

You know,

Sydney Spidell:

stretch limo with a hot tub in the back.

Corina Waldie:

There's so many options. You know, maybe, maybe you guys maybe your partner is into cars, and wants to arrive in a kick ass sports car. I don't know, whatever. Again, if it's a priority, if it's something when you're thinking about the overall experience that you want, and what you potentially want to have as part of the day, you know, that something is important to be thought of, and accounted for early.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah. And then that all important, very expensive pastry at the end, the wedding cake, is also an important planning process and thing to figure out what you're gonna do pretty early on.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, very much. In that sense of like it again, like, you know, we've talked about what decor and traditions and formality, it may be...

Sydney Spidell:

Maybe you want brownies

Corina Waldie:

If you want, you know, if you're into Cake Boss, and you want a Cake Boss Style cake, and you know, you're willing to spend that kind of money to have 17 tiers of cake because you want a grand showpiece. Cake can be a wonderful focal piece.

Sydney Spidell:

That's a good like decor item. It's a good entertainment item too, because frankly, who doesn't want to watch you know, your 13 year old lab retriever get chopped?

Corina Waldie:

What?

Sydney Spidell:

I was thinking about someone getting a cake to look like their dog, and then I was thinking about how fun it is to watch cakes get cut, and then jumping into a really horrible image and I'm really sorry for it.

Corina Waldie:

But if

Sydney Spidell:

I've derailed everything and I'm so sorry...protect your dogs, go hug them tight.

Corina Waldie:

If cake is something that's not important to you, is thinking about alternative desserts, maybe cupcakes, you know, maybe you're just gonna have pie maybe you're just gonna have whatever dessert comes with the standard catered...

Sydney Spidell:

I'm so sad about this dog.

Corina Waldie:

...the standard catered meal, whatever that looks like for you.

Sydney Spidell:

You can tell we rehearse these well in advance. Oh, yeah. Wow. And again, that's something that is a service that takes skill, you know, you're going to want to order it with enough time to actually make sure there's a baker available for what you want done and when you want it done.

Corina Waldie:

And especially if you have your heart set on a something that's really elegant, or from a high end Baker, they tend to book up.

Sydney Spidell:

If you're far from your baker of choice too. You know, you're thinking about transportation again.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, logistics are everything when it comes to a wedding. You know, it's something that needs to be thought of about how the thing is actually going to be done. But that's another conversation for another time. Okay, so now we've talked about all these different things,

Sydney Spidell:

so many options that you could care about,

Corina Waldie:

You know, how do you even begin to narrow this down? How do you actually take all of these things, all of these priorities we've been droning on about for 40 minutes, you know, and figure out how you're going to prioritize things? So I actually what I recommend, first off is I think, first, first and foremost, really, really important to figure out what is important to just you, not your partner, not yourself, bleh, not anybody else. But just you. When you think about...

Sydney Spidell:

Not the ego, just the ID.

Corina Waldie:

You know, and I think this is an exercise you and your partner should do independently,

Sydney Spidell:

like different rooms,

Corina Waldie:

Different rooms, different pieces of paper, however, that looks like for you is just thinking about, you know, without each other's influence, thinking about the things that are actually important to them. And, you know, it doesn't have to be 30, 50, 100 things, it really really doesn't. In fact, I would highly discourage it. In fact, honestly, I would, I would cap it five-ish items tops, if you can. You can go a little bit beyond that but like, you know, keep, you know, keep your list relatively succinct. And also it's important to rank those even once you have that shortlist is to rank those

Sydney Spidell:

And if you're the person like me, whose brain is going to go blank when you're supposed to think of something and you have a list like this in front of you and and it's just impossible, an impossible task to cut something out. Have you ever played that that survival game where you get a list of things like pieces of equipment, and in a group you have to work together to figure out, you know, is the shovel more important than the newspaper and your trapped on an island or something?

Corina Waldie:

I'm flash backing to camp days like 14 years ago.

Sydney Spidell:

Like order things one through 10 - there is a correct answer, after all of this, and then we're going to discuss it with our social studies teacher. Like do do that if you can't cut out an option, then at least hierarchy them, you know, get them going somewhere. And maybe it's gonna give you a logical progression as to why one thing is over another even though they may be related. But that is going to be a really handy tool, then when you go to that next step, which is to okay, you have yours, I have mine. Let's see what overlaps here. And where there's dissonance here, too.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, honestly, you know, we talked in the last episode about this being, your wedding really being a project related to teamwork, and how well you work together. And so this is one of your first opportunities to really kind of be, you know, to figure out what matters between the two of you. And kind of compromise, potentially, and come up with sort of that final, you know, 5 to 10 items that are also ranked by priority and, and maybe have a small, you know, as you have this conversation, a picture is going to start to form, about what is really important. So maybe, for you guys you decide that, you know, you're going to stick with a smaller wedding, but whereas maybe one of you wanted something as a destination and another, you know, on a beach somewhere and one of you wanted to stay home, you decided to compromise and go to the mountains locally. You know, those sorts of things, but this picture is going to form. And that's going to sort of be the the very beginning stages of purpose.

Sydney Spidell:

Because as you're building these priorities, you know, in your head, when it's on your own, you may not be thinking necessarily of the why something is a priority over something else. But when you begin to share them with your partner, especially if there are places where they line up and you're both just excited of like, oh, my gosh, you thought that too? Yeah, because this is important to me. Or if they're very different. And you're like, Okay, well, well, you didn't even have this on your list? Why? Like, I'm curious, why, why is this more important to you? All of those things are going to give you that background to then be able to really stand up for those, that that wedding purpose that we talk about all the time. You know, it's all of this, why is what goes in to how you communicate your needs, how you enforce those boundaries, and set those boundaries? And how you get through this without pulling your hair out too?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, I think it's also like, super important to just be intentional about doing this exercise in general. You know, definitely you don't want the TV on like avoid distractions, if you need to leave the house, maybe go on a date night,

Sydney Spidell:

not a 10 minute quick over and done kind of a thing.

Corina Waldie:

No, it's a conversation that will likely be relatively intense, especially because, you know, we talk a lot about both partners engaging and it being their wedding, not one person's wedding. Because again, we tend, in our society, to focus all the attention on the bride. But really, it's about the two people who are coming together

Sydney Spidell:

Or whoever is that person sort of taking charge if you've got that Perfection Peyton, Checked-Out Charlie dynamic, you know, there's always sort of one who seems to be a little bit more prominent throughout the wedding planning process. And it can be so easy to sort of fall into making it their wedding. But if you're sitting there and you've already done that work individually, you can play the newlywed game or just like a really fun like 123 Shoot and show your answer and compare and just take the pressure off of it. Make it fun, make it a game, make it that date night, get your weekly date night in there. You know, so say the Un-Wedding Planners, you better listen.

Corina Waldie:

Okay, and so and once you have that description, you have those top one to five priorities, then what, then and only then do I say, if you so should choose to engage a parent or loved ones into the conversation, that is when you do that, and

Sydney Spidell:

When you think might have something, have a large stake in this wedding, in this marriage, that's when you figure out okay, is there something that is super important to you?

Corina Waldie:

Yeah. And, you know, obviously, this is where we start really inviting drama, and stress and struggle and, you know, depending on the dynamics of your family, you know, this could be you know, you could have you know, in laws like my in laws who were like oh, yeah, whatever you want here some money, or you could be on the opposite end like I was as well on my side with my like, crazy overbearing mother, as I've talked about, who drove me bonkers for two years. So you know, it really, having those priorities in hand and being able to say, Okay, this is what we want, but we do you want to invite your opinion on this is super important.

Sydney Spidell:

You get to see okay, this other person did express express a priority. Does it fall in line with my list and now that I've had this practice with my partner asking why, I can come to this person and be like, Okay, I'm so glad that you've shared with me this thing that is important to you in this whole wedding process. Why is that important to you? Does it get you a certain feeling, a certain, whatever? If it's not one of your top priorities, then as the marrying couple, you can ask this person, you know, like, this wasn't something that we were focused on, and I'm not sure how to make room for it. But if I know why this is important to you, maybe you can see how I can really factor it in to what we are planning, or maybe I can see how it can uphold one of my priorities as well. And really make you feel as though you're being included in it.

Corina Waldie:

And if you happen to have family or loved ones who are giving you like a laundry list of things, you know, it's okay to say okay, well, you know, what, what is most important pn that list? You know, because I think, you know, we all have these preconceived notions and parents are no different. They have a preconceived notion of what their child's wedding, many parents have this preconceived notion about what their child's wedding day will be...

Sydney Spidell:

Our brains speculate, you can't help from doing that for your own kid, but they are going to turn into an individual.

Corina Waldie:

And, you know, it may be these are just things they've always thought, but never really have critically thought about why, the why behind that. So having this conversation and inviting this conversation is actually probably a pretty good thing. Also, one thing I will point out, though, especially if you're choosing to have a destination wedding away from your hometown, this is also a really important moment to kind of clear that with people. And I'm not saying, you know, you can still choose to have the destination wedding, but if you imagine, like, let's say, you've decided that you're getting married on a beach in Mexico, because you regularly travel to Mexico, and you love it and, you know, but, you know, certain people, especially for financial reasons, don't want to attend. You know, this is the time to ask people if they're cool with that. And if there's somebody in your life, who financially potentially may want to participate, but cannot due to financial limitations, being prepared to either A- sacrifice that priority to have a local wedding, so that person can attend or B- potentially look at paying for that person to be there.

Sydney Spidell:

To be honest like, I don't see that as, like, an out of the question thing at all, considering especially people are able to spend so much money on weddings as they are, and they're still an expense for guests. If you cut your guest list down, if you are going somewhere, if that is a priority to you, if you chose a venue or location as like top priority, then why wouldn't you budget for all of your people or subsidizing some of their costs or whatever? Like why not include that in it if they are included in that picture for you? If not, then either that location isn't as important as as you thought, because you're just going to put your foot down until people cave and pay for it. Or the people aren't as important as you thought, right? Like, what is the, what is the priority really? Like? Is it? Is it really out of, out of the scope of reality, to think that maybe we would be paying for a plane ticket to somebody to another country when we're going to be paying for, you know, some ridiculously exclusive venue, on the other hand, is, is there a way that any one of those things is more reasonable than the other? Like, that's pretty equivalent.

Corina Waldie:

Absolutely. And, and also just kind of cycling back quickly, a little bit to family and family priorities. You know, one of the conversations that will tend to pop up at this time, if not already put on the table at the time of your engagement is if there's going to be if your parents are going to choose to make a financial contribution to your wedding. And it's very important with priority aspect, is to determine if that contribution has any sort of strings attached. You know, I've seen this with couples where a parent will contribute something and they'll say, but I want this use for photography, or I want this used for XYZ. It's determining what strings, if any, are attached and if you're willing to abide by those restrictions.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, cuz maybe photography wasn't big on your list, but this money is going toward it. And it's like, okay, is this something that now I'm just not including their money in it because they are paying for that thing that isn't a priority and my budget is still directed at my priorities? Or is it like, you know, this was already a priority for me so great, this is taking off some of that burden on me and now I can focus on some of those other things that maybe I set it aside too.

Corina Waldie:

And also too, like, let's say for example, if the budget contribution is contingent upon 100 of their closest best friends and family coming and you're choosing to have a small wedding, you know, is that something that you want to do? And it's okay to refuse that money and say no, and just say look it, you know, this is very clearly something that's important to you, so we're not going to take that money and not do that. We're going to focus on what we want. So thank you for the offer. But no thank you.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, yeah, it's absolutely, you know, it would be worse to take money and have an experience that isn't true to what it is that you wanted. And, you know, maybe harbour resentment, right? Like the possibility of that is there. I think the other thing that doing these priorities and going through this work as well and inviting those people in, especially the people that have that potential to cause drama, and down the road, is the fact that then you have again, something to fall back on. Similar to come on up that purpose, we can be like, Well, what you're arguing for right now, really doesn't fall in line with our purpose. You're sort of doing the same thing here and you're being like, well, listen, you know, months ago, right at the beginning of this, you said, these were the priorities to you, these were the things that were important to you. And I said, this is how we can incorporate these couple of things. I need you to remember that conversation. And if this thing was that important, it needed to be counted for way back when and it wasn't, which means we both have to be okay with letting it go and moving on.

Corina Waldie:

Yeah, and the other element sort of within that is as partners, because especially if it's, you know, the parent of one partner going directly to their child to, you know, you know, sort of plead with their child to do XYZ, is maintaining a united front. Yeah, as a partner as we like we said, it's a team building, this is a team building exercise. And if you you know, like, let's say, you know, your mom comes to you Sydney and and says, Well, I want XYZ, but your your partner's said, you and your partner have already agreed that that's not happening. And then you agree with your mom to just shut her up? Well, all of a sudden, you've now created this crazy...

Sydney Spidell:

I hope she listens now.

Corina Waldie:

This crazy, you know, dynamic, because what you and your partner have agreed upon in the formation of your new family is in question.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah. In order to avoid this resistance now I've chosen a side and it's like you, you are, yeah, choosing against your partner when you aren't including them. And that it's not good.

Corina Waldie:

It's not unlike a child dividing its parents. And going when mom says, No, I'm going to go to dad. Yeah. And, you know, maintaining that united front, always. But you know, now that, you know, we've got this, you've got kind of your priorities, you've heard some priorities from your parents, you know, before you move forward into the next step is now very much important to sort of finalize everything. Thinking about compromising, if compromise is needed, or you know, standing for what you want.

Sydney Spidell:

And my argument is always going to be if there's a chance to compromise on something, it means there's also an opportunity to collaborate on something. So rather than figuring out something that causes you to seem, seemingly lose the least, instead, you can find a solution that enables you both to gain something new, right? If there's an opportunity to compromise, there is an opportunity to collaborate.

Corina Waldie:

And yeah, and once you have that list of priorities you're often golden, and then we can talk about budget. Which is gonna be next week's episode's, conversation.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, we're definitely gonna talk about money for a little bit of time.

Corina Waldie:

And talk about how to figure out what this thing's gonna cost you

Sydney Spidell:

Pop your popcorn, folks,

Corina Waldie:

Because it's gonna be a big topic.

Sydney Spidell:

Yeah, yeah. Pop your popcorn and also bring some tissues because there's a chance that there may be some harsh realities coming at yah next week, on The Un-Wedding Podcast. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle. And then it it like has a little like fade across brought to you by - okay -Yeah. Anyway, thanks for coming.

Corina Waldie:

And as we've said before, if you want to know more, we do have a kick ass e-book called After You Get Engaged that's currently available on our website at unweddingmovement.com. It breaks down like everything that we've talked about. We have worksheets on all of this priority stuff, including a quiz to help you even like think about it a little bit more directly related to determining your priorities, so that you can get your engagement journey and your wedding planning journey off on the right foot. And in the meantime, you can join us over on Tik Tok and Instagram @unweddingmovement and join in our conversations of whatever we've got going on there that time.

Sydney Spidell:

That's right.

Corina Waldie:

And until next time, cheers.

Corina Waldie:

You can find us on the internet at unweddingmovement.com or an Instagram, TikTok Facebook and Pinterest @unweddingmovement. Our podcast episodes are released weekly and available wherever you like to stream.

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