Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this episode, Robb and Tina discuss the various stages of relationships, from the initial infatuation to the secure love stage. They explore the emotional dynamics involved in each stage, emphasizing the importance of communication, trust, and personal growth. The conversation highlights how understanding these stages can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively and foster deeper connections.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm hanging in there, Rob. Happy New Year. We made it to another one.

Happy New Year to you. That we have. That we have. I mean, very wet, but we definitely made it horrible.

Yeah. Who knew?

horrible. And it and the rain went on for long enough to where I was going crazy, like getting cabin fever and cooking like way too much because I'm just sitting here and everybody was asking for food and and different things, you know, when they would stop by. So I felt like I was grounded almost. And when I woke up today and I saw the sun, I was like, hell yeah, I'm back.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's been pretty...

you have sun?

We have, yeah, it's coming through my, it's coming through my window behind me. really? that's balls and wieners.

I don't have sun.

Yeah, yeah, no, no son for me, Dr. Jones. Yeah, pro pro.

I needed it. There's been so much going on and I just I needed a win today So the Sun popping through my window was the one I was gonna take cuz that was the only win there and take so Mm-hmm So do we need a Chi Chi's run or something get the hell out of there see some Sun Right, I'm in let's do it

That's that's pretty good. Mine. Mine says no sun till Wednesday. Yeah, but no rain.

Yeah, know, right? That sounds good, actually. But hey, 10 days, we have 10 days of no rain, so let's just be happy about that. Whoa. Look at you.

I am so sorry that is my alarm, and I don't know why it's on right now That's that's how I wake up in the morning

Maybe maybe maybe to remind you that we were supposed to do this in 45 minutes.

You know what it was to get me up to make sure I was ready for it, that's for sure. Let me make sure that's not gonna happen again, I'm so sorry. That was the second alarm for the day.

Yeah, for sure.

so. So I sent you a meme. a while ago. As a idea. For this show, I'm an Instagram guy, so I love little things that I see and you people have no idea how many how many shows have probably been. At least inspired. By something that I read there or.

Out of a meme?

or whatever. But I thought this one was pretty interesting because I think, you know, it's a new year and people struggle with all kinds of things, but relationships are one of them. And this was pretty interesting. It was the four stages of a relationship. And it's pretty much from the beginning to... I would say from the beginning to a good relationship. I wouldn't say the end because I think that...

Mm-hmm.

If you have a good relationship, there shouldn't be one. But I thought it was pretty interesting. So I think a lot of the people out there listening are going to know these stages, but I think that we can kind of hit on them and I think. Will be. No matter what age you are, these things still happen. They're just the way we were built. So stage one is the infatuation stage. It's the honeymoon stage.

Yes.

It says dopamine and oxytocin flood the brain. You feel alive, magnetic, consumed by connection. This stage builds bonding, but it also masks red flags. I would say 100%. This is well, and it's the best stage generally. I mean, when you have these chemicals flooding your brain, it's the greatest thing in the world.

I like this stage.

I don't want to see the red flags.

It's just everything's perfect. Everything is great. They can do no wrong. You know what I mean? It's just it's the the stage of of young love. Right. And it it happens forever. Whether you're, you know, 16 or.

55 it still happens the same way which I think is pretty cool I mean it is a honeymoon stage because I think we do overlook people's red flags Because you're seeing the best part of them right it's it's easy to overlook something when Everything else is so good

yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I look at it like, like some of my first loves where you just, you're so young and dumb. You just overlook anything that can be bad. It's just like, no, she's perfect. And then you realize that, you know, somewhere along the way you're like, well, maybe she's this, or maybe she's that.

Yeah.

And I think that those are the things that, you know, this stage is great for. And the good part about this stage is it can be a pretty long period. If, you know, if you, right. If you do it right. If you, yeah. If you kind of just open yourself up to not looking too deep into someone, you know, this is a good stage. I do think that there's some pitfalls to it.

Mm-hmm.

if you do it right.

You know, it's really, I mean, at least for some people, is easy to get consumed by someone to the point where you're just like, this is the greatest person in the world. Even though some people around you might be going,

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And not the greatest. And, and look, you know, I think in the end, you, you're going to do what you're going to do based on whatever it is for you. So once, and I think the next stage is when things where, where that drug in your head starts giving you less drug, right? It's, it's starts going,

Hey, you know, you're happy all this time, but this one thing bothers you. You know, and then there's like the, if you want to go with the angel and devil on your shoulders, you know, the devil is, is at some point going to go, you know, Hey, you know, this bothers you too much. You need to, you need to say something and, and look.

We've all gone through it. all continue to, right? Until we decide either not to be in a relationship anymore or die. But this is a great stage. I think stage one is such a springboard for people that...

just makes everything happy. Like music is better, the birds chirping are better, you don't care if there's traffic. Like it really does make for a happy person. For a while.

100 % you're willing to travel insane insane things to see them for a short period of time

Yeah. Yeah, I've seen people do that, haven't I?

Yeah, shit. One time I came to see somebody. I drove. It was on a weekday and I drove like two and a half hours. To see this girl for about 25 minutes.

You've told me that, I think that's cute though.

Yep, we met at a park. And and just hung out in the parking lot and bullshitted. It was yeah, but here's the thing when. When that is going through your head, you're.

Hmm.

Nice.

You think, what's the big deal? And with this person, I did it many times because I didn't live anywhere near them. It was a far drive every single time with the exception of maybe if I saw them on a weekend when the traffic wasn't bad. But if I, if I drove from where I lived to where they lived during the week, it was two and a half hours every single time, no matter what.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So, but it was, mean, at the time, I can't tell you that it wasn't worth it. I'd be lying. So, you know.

Well, that's the whole point of that first stage is everything's worth it. Everything's new.

Exactly. Well, yeah, because everything is new, but everything is happy. Here's the other thing. When you don't see people all the time, when you have that time, that 25 minutes feels like two hours because you make it. And then the other part is like the then the drive home is, you know, you think about the goo goo time that you've got to have.

Happy.

Mm-hmm.

So you stay in that dopamine stage. Yeah.

Yeah, so the dopamine is hitting you on the way home too, because you're like, man, that was great. And what a great time. And man, I can't wait to see him again. And then you get home and you text him again. You're like, was so good to see you. So yeah, it's that the infatuation stage is amazing. It's you know, it's like being punched in the dick. It's like it hurts, but it's the greatest thing in the world. Stage two.

Mm-hmm.

Now for the fun stage. This is the different, it's the unveiling stage. The nervous system relaxes. Masks come off, old attachment wounds and survival strategies surface. Conflict begins because truth is showing.

Not necessarily because love is gone. Many couples break during this stage. Arguments feel threatening. Discomfort is mistaken for incompatibility. But this stage is the gateway to depth if you lean in. Yeah, I think this is the like.

Mmm.

You know, after a couple of months, you've been hanging out and everything is generally good, right? In your relationship. But maybe you're spending, starting to spend more time with people. And like, and I don't mean like, we go out on a date and we hang out and I'm talking about days. You spend days with somebody or they come and sleep over your house where you start to kind of.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, your nervous system does relax. You're like, and everyone starts being themselves. And I think, yeah, when the masks come off, the cracks in people start showing on both sides. I mean,

Mm-hmm.

Well plus I think that people, they get to a point where they want to show the cracks and then they just start coming.

Right. mean, look, at the end of the day, like the reality is, is that all of our lives are in pieces. Right? I mean, they just are. And while you're during the honeymoon stage, you're trying to keep those pieces from falling all over the place. And it could be anything. It could be, you know, bills are late, rent's killing you.

your exes, you know, fighting you over the kids, whatever it is. Like there's so many things that, the honeymoon stage in the infatuation kind of mask over it, right? Cause you're, you're having such a good time that real life kind of disappears. But then you get into this new stage and everyone's shit starts floating to the top. And then you start seeing people for

Yeah.

what and who they are and and and i think that like like it even says it's like a lot of couples probably do break up during the stage because it becomes difficult the

Well plus they don't like what they're getting shown either.

Yeah, well, I agree because I think a lot of people start calling people out during this stage.

And they start acting differently. Like in the honeymoon phase, you will. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you'll seldom hear anyone fart. And then like you go to the next stage and you're like, wow, this guy's got a lot of gas. I've experienced that. That's why I brought it up. I thought it was like it was obnoxious. I couldn't. I didn't like it.

I mean, yeah, I do believe that you start becoming a little different. Although I will tell you, like the last few people that I've had relations with didn't fart around me at all.

It's normally a guy thing, I would say. Like the guy's...

Yeah matter of fact I question I questioned how they pooped because they never did it.

They never did it where you knew what was going on.

But purposely, like, like she would make jokes about it like about not pooping, which is I thought funny as hell. But yeah, I

I have issues with that. will literally like, I've gone and stayed in a hotel with somebody and then I will go to like the downstairs bathroom to go to the bathroom.

Right, the public bathroom. I did the exact same thing in a hotel. Because there was only one bathroom, she was in the shower and I had to go. And I was like, gotta go. But yeah, I mean, but yes, I and I think that. You know, you're right, it's probably a dude thing. I get on my son about it all the time with his girlfriend, because he's like rank and he's like, we know each other so well, it's like.

That's funny.

Yeah.

And look, they've been seeing each other for a long time. I mean, a lot longer than I actually remembered. Like it's been years, like years. And I'm like, OK. But I said, look, dude, like there has to be some. There's got to be some sanctity that you don't do like.

that.

Yeah, that's something I'd rather not deal with, to be honest with you. I kind of like the whole go to the public bathroom to avoid the...

Yeah, even...

Even during my marriage, we were pretty open. Like I, if she was in the shower, I'd go shit in there while I was in there. Yeah. I will tell you now, I probably wouldn't do that ever again. Only, I mean, unless it's like a super emergency, I just think that there is something that keeps the allure, right? Like.

no.

Hehehehehe

We all know we do it, but you don't have to, you don't have to signal. Thankfully, if you're in a place that has two bathrooms, you're pretty gold. But yeah, during my time of marriage, man, there was four people living in a condo. So we did have two bathrooms, but they were generally taken. Like it was just, there was always somebody in the bathroom.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I, I, when I was married, my husband at the time refused to be in the bathroom when I was in there. So there was no, he would come into pee or like one time I was like, I can't hold it. Please. I'm sorry. Just don't look. You know, I did that, but it was one time in like 22 years. I, we didn't, we didn't poop in front of each other. We didn't pee in front of each other. We didn't,

Mm-hmm.

The farting was at minimal. I remember he got me a couple times. Maybe I got him a couple times that I remember because that wasn't my... It didn't bother me. But,

Right.

Yeah, don't we didn't do that. We'd burp in front of each other or I would burp. I don't really think he ever did that either.

I think that, yeah, mean, burping's a whole other thing. It's like, I don't know. There's some things that I think that are okay, that are funny, that you can get away with. A belch is no big deal to me. Mostly if you've been drinking something or eating something good, that I'm all right with. I think...

I think a lot of this thing, this stage when it starts talking about when it says like old attachment wounds and survival strategies surface. I think this is the biggest part of this stage. You know, you start seeing what old mates have done to people.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And you see how they start putting up walls to protect themselves, even though you might not be doing that to them. They see that it could happen. I've seen this with several women in my life. And it's rough.

Hmm.

being the person around them because you're just like, but I'm not them. but their survival, you know, shit kicks in and they're like, it doesn't matter. This is how I see it. And it's like, okay. And it's sucky. It's a very hard thing, but I think we all do it. I think men might do it a little differently. But old wounds.

are rough and the older you get the harder it is because you have so many. Right? And. You know, look, everyone has scars. We all have them. Some of us are lucky and it's not a lot.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I mean, I had someone call me out one time when we were talking about like how bad life was. And they're like, you know, you don't understand because, you know, you haven't been through this kind of stuff. And I went, yeah, you're right. Lucky. You know what I mean? Like, don't get me wrong. Like I, I'd rather not have any fucking scars to show somebody.

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? Like that's I'm just a lucky guy. I grew up. I had a good upbringing. My my parents were divorced, but I still had them both in my life. Like there was a ton of things where I know a lot of people who didn't have that. So. It's hard for someone who hasn't gone through trauma or that kind of thing to understand it. So I think that's where.

Mm-hmm. Well, I think that's just in general, like with everybody. You just don't know until you know.

That's what I mean. So. And I don't think that people who both have trauma are good together either, because it's not like. Because then you try to out trauma each other. You know what I mean? Like, well. Yeah, I've seen that as well. 100%. I've seen it with two people where. They try to.

You think so?

Say that, you know, well, you know, you went through this and then, I went through that and then I went through that. It's like, okay, fuck, we've all been through a little something. Like how about me and you fix us, not try to fix old wounds. You know what I mean? And look, I totally understand the, I have to heal stage to a degree.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Um, only because I've watched so many things on this, um, for this show at some point I've watched, listened to podcasts, watched things on YouTube. The, the, have to heal before I get in a relationship group team, which is what it is. And then the, the team of like doctors and things of people that

say that the best healing you can do is in a new relationship. So I think there's a little of both. Yes, I think that you have to heal or see your wounds and realize that the person that you're trying to do this with understands that you have wounds and

Mm-hmm.

just wants to take care of you. You know what I mean? But you also can't use those wounds as a...

as a source of trying to hurt somebody.

No, and you gotta remember that the person that you're that you're trying to Date now didn't do what the one That you were with before did and you gotta like keep those things separate and work on that Yourself and not bring all that to the table. The worst thing for me has been to be Put in a position where I was the one that

had to deal with somebody else's bad behaviors in a relationship. I couldn't because they were so traumatized because the guy that I liked was so traumatized with what he had been through that there was really no space for me to go with that.

They had to fix themselves before they could be with anyone and the sad thing is is I think that they missed out because as a mate I'm I'm a pretty good one. I work to make things work and You know, whatever they were going through at the time. I was like, well, well that wasn't my fault and now it's gonna be to your detriment because you're gonna miss out on somebody that that would have worked with you on that but you're too

You're too broken to try that. And I will say I won't. I'll let go. I'll be like, OK. Not that it doesn't hurt me that I didn't get a chance with that person or that we weren't able to do something. But on the on the flip side, it's like. I don't want to go through that abuse because I didn't do it.

Right. mean, I think that that there is a lot to be said about abuse. Right. You. There's a lot that goes with that. And there's so many different kinds of it. I've seen people who've gone through physical abuse. And then.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't mean that, just...

No, but no, but there's that and then also going through incredible mental abuse. Like, and I mean. Wow.

But if it's incredible, why in the hell do people stay in that? Get out now. save yourself and quit being a dumbass because if you want to be a victim, you'll be victimized. Get out of that shit.

Right. I agree. And and look, I think people have their own reasons for staying. So I don't want to try to question either of those. I don't understand it either. So for me.

There's no excuse for letting somebody abuse you to where you're miserable and stuck all the time. There's no excuse for that.

You know, I agree, but here's the thing. My problem is this with it. I think that...

I know you gotta keep your mouth shut, but I don't.

Earlier things in your life also Step into that so like the way you were raised or the way your parents were around you also end up fucking you up later on So, you know, I I've heard through other people that I've been around They're growing up relationship or the way their parents were with each other

probably had a huge effect on why they did what they did. And again, like the human psyche is a whole other, you know, without getting super deep. I think there's a lot to be said about just who we are as people.

And I don't know, I've never been abused. So I can't, I don't want to like say, hey, like, they're stupid because I don't believe that. I just think we all do things for whatever reasons they are. It's, it's how you go forward, I think is the better part. You know, I see people who have been in really shitty relationships for a long period of time. And then get into a relationship.

And then they just end up with another shitty person. And and you wonder like. How like? You know, you continue to just go down this road over and over, but some of those people end up landing with people that work for them at some point. So it is. I think that it is what it is that no one's perfect. And I think. You know.

You look at this stage and this is probably why many people break up. It's like part of this says that arguments feel threatening. And I think that that's probably the biggest part of the stage, right? Any kind of argument, people just go, well, I'll just leave or I'll get out or all, instead of latching on in and going, look, what are we doing?

I'm done.

It's like this one, it even says here, discomfort is mistaken for incompatibility. And I think that that is also kind of a thing. just go, if you're in discomfort, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be together. It just means that right now you both don't know how to say what you want to say to each other.

Stage three. This is the repair and growth stage or the work stage. It says here you learn the skills of love actually require. Communication without being defensive, repair after conflict, boundaries with respect, nervous system regulation together. This stage rewires old patterns.

It's where the relationship stops being reenactments of childhood wounds and starts becoming places of healing. Kind of what I just said, like sometimes you got to heal while you're actually in a new relationship.

Well, I mean, you know, can go with the first one, you know, communication without defensiveness, right? That's, I think part of the biggest thing with, with the rebuilding or, know, trying to repair something that is going down a different road is yeah, you have to listen and you have to, not throw things out.

that you're not talking about. I'll give you an example. I was just listening to somebody tell me they are having a problem with their girlfriend. They're talking about the issue. And at that time, the girlfriend goes, yeah, but you do this. That had nothing to do with the conversation that they were talking about.

And his thing was, okay, that's great, but can we finish this part first? And then you can talk about what is bothering you. Don't don't deflect the conversation with another thing that you don't like, you know.

Agree.

Right. Yeah, and like the second part of the stage is prepare after conflict. Look, fights are part of life, right? I didn't do it enough in my marriage. That's probably why I got divorced. I rarely fought with her. just thought, yeah, whatever. Which looking back was probably the worst thing ever. Right, because I probably held a lot of shit in that bothered me, but.

You know, and and I was just like, and I hate to say that I didn't care, but at the time it was like. I realize now women were your guys are so much different than men were. And I mean that, like in the utmost respect, we're just different. was like she wanted to paint my living room. She's like, I want to paint it green. I was like, OK, whatever. She's like, well, what green do you like? I don't care. Instead of just pointing at a green and going, I like this one because she would have wouldn't have mattered.

She had to pick the green she wanted anyway. She just wanted me to be involved. So, and I think that that is like a big deal. You need to be involved. So like the repair after any conflict, I think is like super important where you, but you have to go into that repair stage of not holding it against somebody. Because if you're gonna hold shit against somebody, it doesn't matter what you do. You're never gonna repair anything.

Absolutely, that's absolute. Here's the kind of a thing that the third one is very interesting and I think this is the hardest part of of a repair stage is the boundaries with respect.

You know, whatever your boundaries are, everyone has to be on the same page of whatever these boundaries are. If you're not, then it doesn't matter what you say to each other. And I don't even want to go down the road of what boundaries we're talking about, because it could be anything. I just think that boundaries need to be set and told.

And at that point, you're going to go back to stage two and realize that you don't want to be with this person. Or you're going to realize the boundaries are worth the love because whatever it is that you think, you know, isn't being done for you or isn't isn't going to work, you're going to realize that being with the person is much more important. Right.

So the only example, I'll give a mad example. You know, probably not our generation as much, but some for sure. Like coming home and playing video games every day. At some point, someone, you know, if your girlfriend or wife comes in and goes, look, like I would prefer that you don't do that every single day.

What's it worth? You have to, mean, to me, that's kind of a boundary of like, hey, and I think it's no different than going, look, I don't want you going out with the girls fucking four times a month. Like, come on, like what, because now I think you're just deflecting your relationship and holding on to something that's not real by, you know, doing whatever it is you do. those boundaries do have to be respected.

if you are going to repair.

Right.

Right. Look, I can understand like that's different though. think if you're like your friend coming over at night, it's a whole other thing. That's like, okay, cool. If I'm going to bed, cool. Just be respectful of, you know, look, I got to work in the morning. Yeah. So, but I, but I think that like, you have to

Look, I don't think your whole life has to be a relationship. I don't want to say it that way. Everyone needs hobbies. Everyone needs their own shit and everyone needs to do their own thing. I think within reason, though, I think that if you're going to be a couple, you need to do things together. Right. I mean, those are part of.

That is part of and and I guess my biggest thing too is that if you can't do things together without other people, you probably shouldn't be together anyway. You know what I mean? Like there's just something to be said to that. And then nervous system regulation together, I think, you know, your nervous system is a we are a walking wreck a lot of the time.

If you have, you do have to rewire old patterns. You have to try to change what was bad in the last thing. So you don't bring it to the new thing. So, but you can do that during the stage of being together, of going to somebody and going, look, this is how I am, you know, help me not be that way. Like,

and then being bold enough to go, how can I fix that? And then coming together.

Weaponize.

Mm-hmm.

extremely.

Yeah, I think with most people, once you use something as a weapon against them, they'll never talk to you ever again about it. I think men mostly.

But I think people in general won't do that. I think because like I hear all these women that are like, I wish men would just open up a little bit and blah, blah. But when we open up, you use it against us. They'll will never talk to you about something like that ever again. We'll just go.

Yeah, I've seen guys where like I've seen a lot of videos on YouTube where like a guy will be like excited about something and his wife will be like, whatever. Or and then the next time you see him, she's like, hey, what's going on? He's like nothing. And it ends right there. It's like, OK.

I'm not going to do that ever again. So it's like, I get it. It's definitely a very hard thing. The rewiring of your own brain is, you have to be with someone who makes you feel so secure and safe that they're actually helping rewire your brain.

That's it. If you don't, it doesn't matter. You'll never get to a stage where you feel okay. You're always going to be combatant or be the same person you've always been and how did that work out the last time? Right. That's just reality. Stage four.

This is the secure love stage, the harmony stage. This is where it says here, repair becomes natural. Safety replaces anxiety. Intimacy deepens because trust has been built through rupture and repair. Harmony doesn't mean no conflict. It means conflict is no longer a threat to the bond. Disagreements can be navigated without fear of collapse.

Yeah, this is well, this is the stage that I think you finally understand that the person you're with doesn't want to hurt you. Right, they they want to be in a relationship with you. And they're not afraid to tell you the truth.

You know, like, I mean, I love to go. I love to go to the notebook because I think that there's a part in the notebook that's when they're arguing with each other at the end. he's the best thing he says to is he goes, I'm not afraid to hurt you.

because that's, he's not gonna hurt her. And then he goes, because you have a rebound of like three seconds. Like it doesn't, we have to be able to tell somebody like, hey, you know, this is not good right now. So you can both step back for a second and go.

I'm not a runner. don't like I wouldn't run out of the house and get my car and drive down the street. That's just not who I am. But I am a step outsider. Like I need to just get a breath. I need to think about something for a second. But I'm also not asleep on the couch or. I my my ex tried doing that to me, I giggled at her right to her face. I was like, no. He's like, what do mean? No, no.

Like that's my bed too. You want to go sleep somewhere else, more power to you. I'm not. I'm sleeping right here. And I did. For the 30 days she stayed before she left. Every night.

I wasn't going to.

There were times it wasn't the greatest, to be fair, but I think also it was just the reality of like, it's not like anything happened, we just slept.

I think that there were probably a few nights where we probably just discussed life and whatever. look, at the end of the day, it's like people who tell their mate to go to another room to sleep because they're angry, you're just teaching them a lesson. They're no different than that. It's OK to run, go to the other room, bad dog like now on how life works.

Look, you don't have to be intimate. And I think that there's something about going to bed and going, look, you know, we'll fix this in the morning. But if if you're pushing each other away, that's all you're ever going to do ever. Like, why? Why would you go down that road? It's like, I don't want to do that.

Look, you can come here week. I'll put my arm around you. I still love you to death and we're going to fix this. And again, and I'm talking about arguments, not life changing, life altering. You cheated on me. Like that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about whatever, you know, little tiffy you're in. If you think going to sleep on a couch is going to fix it, it's just going to teach me to go fuck off.

Yeah.

You want to build a wall. Start. I mean, all you're doing is laying bricks and then sooner or later, one of the persons on either side of that are just going to walk away. It's like, I don't want that, you know. Yeah, you're teaching them. Yeah, go to the other room. It's like being a bad dog and go to your place. Go to your place. It's like.

This is my place. This is our place. you're if in like, and this is something that you're supposed to be doing during the stage of the relationship of trying to fix things and it's supposed to be harmonious. So safety replaces anxiety. I think that that's one of the bigger things. It's like even in like all relationships are going to have their ups and downs. All of them. Everyone's going to be on a roller coaster.

I just don't want to always be at the top, you know, you know, flying down to the bottom. You know, I want I want some graceful little hills. But you always have to feel safe in the relationship. There should anytime that you're pulling up to your house and you park your car and you stay there for five minutes and go. Because you have to go inside. You're done.

That's anxiety. That's what's going to happen when I walk in the door. Nope. I never want to be in that. I never ever, never, ever. I don't want to ever have to go, man, I what's going to happen today. What kind of shit are we going to do? No, I don't want that.

Exactly. I think there is something about decompressing. And we've talked about it before. I think we did one on traditional wives where part of that was like, your person at the door. And I think we talked about not everyone wants to be hammered. I just think that there should be some kind of, welcome home.

If you need to decompress after that, more power to you. And I think that some people do, because some people have stressful ass jobs. Part of it too is like, I think as a human being is not bringing your work home with you. And that takes, but it's a hundred percent it's not. I did it for a long time and then decided not to. And then once I decided not to, I haven't done it since and I won't anymore. It's not worth it.

Let's see intimacy deepens because trust has been built through rupture and repair. I agree with that. think. You know, and I think whatever your your definition of intimacy is, I think I have several of them. Intimacy can be. You know. A nice dinner outside. Followed by sitting on a couch, you know. Listening to music.

Like, doesn't, everything does not have be sexual. I think that, you know, there are too many people use sex as the only form of intimacy. And once that's all you have, good luck. Because it, that's not going to be a good thing. It never works.

When it becomes the only thing in someone's relationship, then someone just feels like a toy and not human. I'd rather have it all, but I would also rather have dinner, listen to music, and dance in the kitchen. Because that's what you're going to be doing when you're 75.

Right? Those are the things that keep relationships going and are way more real than, we have great sex all the time. This is not reality. It's just not. Let's see. Harmony doesn't mean no conflict. I think that that is pretty self-explanatory, right? You know, there's always going to be conflict over

something whether it's I'll do the man one I say I'm gonna do something and when you get home it's not done now

Correct. That's it. Like there's going to be some kind of, you know, you have to be able to in this modern era, everything has to be some kind of, you know, yin and yang. There has to be give and take. You can't, you can't always do what you want in a relationship. This is not reality. It's, you know, like,

Right for me it's hard because I have not been in a relationship in so long. Like I've we've talked about it on here before like it's gonna be hard for me because I can just do whatever the fuck I want. No one.

Exactly. I think that's it. Like there's been times where, you know, I watch hockey whenever I want. I've been places where I was with somebody that I didn't watch hockey at all during the season. It's like, all right, I don't have to be doing that. I enjoy it. Would I like someone with me that enjoys hockey too? Absolutely. But it doesn't have to be the only thing.

Time and presence are way more than missing a three hour game that doesn't really affect your life.

You know, I think that those are the bigger things. Sure. Did you have things that you like to do together? Sure. I watched a football game with with somebody not too long ago and it was awesome. They like football. I like football. It was a college game. We had had a couple of drinks. It was great. It was a fun time. like to me, was that that made the time and presence better. But did we have to be doing that now?

We just happened to do it. It just happened to be on in the background. And then we both got into it and it was fun. But it wasn't like that was what we set out to do. And I think that that's the bigger thing is, you know, if you're going to have conflict, if it's like, I want to watch the game, but your mates like, you know, I would rather go do things with my friends. You have to sit there and go, OK, how can we make this work for everybody?

And you know, and sometimes neither of the things are going to happen because you want to have harmony in the house. I don't need to watch the game. You don't need to go see your friends. We can spend time together. Let's go. You know, to the beach. Let's spend time together. Let's go have brunch, walk on the beach and do our own thing. Sometimes you have to do it. My best friend, I haven't seen my best friend. In a while, I'd say at least a year.

and he lives an hour away.

Yeah, I mean, I will. He also travels a lot. But to be fair, like he's married and he has a mate and they do things together and look, that's that's good. He got married very late in life. So, you know, I've already been down that road. He's not going to have children, so he doesn't have to worry about it. So he's he's having a good time and I respect that. And I do need to go see him more.

But, you know, he's a busy man. So I talk to him immensely and, you know, look, they have a good time. And to me, that's important. Time with someone that you enjoy time with, you know, it goes very quickly. So you have to.

You have to enjoy that kind of thing. Let's see. Conflict is no longer a threat to the bond. Yes. If every time that you are in a conflict with somebody and your thing is, I'm just going to leave, just leave. That shouldn't be your first parachute. And I think a lot of people look at it like that now. You know, and if you are, there's a bigger problem. Like,

And then disagreements can be navigated without fear of collapse. That's kind of the same thing. think that you shouldn't always run to the hills, right? I think if you're in a pretty solid relationship, you should understand that conflict can be fixed. And like I'm saying, the conflict, small things, not life altering changes of... This is like throwing cheating out, I don't think.

I think that's a very difficult one to get past, regardless of who you are. I think once you go down the cheating road, it's, it's, I, I, I know I couldn't. I'm, that's just how I'm built. I don't share well. I've told people that before. Like, I just don't share well and I couldn't go down that road. But if you cheated on me, you might as well just keep going.

because I'm never gonna look at you the exact same way ever again. So, and.

Mm-hmm.

No, well here's the thing. Once you break trust...

It's hard to go back. I mean, whatever kind of trust that is, if you, and it could be cheating. Cheating is obviously the easy one. Or like money, like taking money and not telling you that's trustworthy. That's keeping your trust. It's like, you have to be able to have that in a solid relationship. and with trust comes harmony. This is what makes the best relationships the best is that you trust them with everything.

You trust me with your life.

And that's protection or driving or not doing anything stupid at work and fucking these up or whatever. All that is all trustworthy stuff is I'm to do the best to make sure our relationship is the best. And that doesn't even mean like financially, it doesn't have to be that like I'm over that kind of shit, too, because I've watched too many red pills on on YouTube with these girls that are just like, I want to provide her and a protector. Like, well, what does that mean?

Like, or we'll have to do another show on dating. I've heard some stuff, it's absurd. It's absurd, we will. So here you go, it says research in attachment theory shows couples who master repair are more likely to last long term than couples who fight less often. Which is again, what I told you before, because I didn't fight.

Lasting Love is not found in the honeymoon stage. Obviously, I think that that's pretty obvious with our dopamine and oxytocin flipping the fuck out. It's created when two people do the work to move through every stage together. I think that any couple out there can take these four stages and see where you're at.

Right? And use this as a guide to finding how you can keep your relationship together. If it's not past the doom stage, like there is doom and gloom in here somewhere and usually stage two, Where the differences start. That's when your doom is. You're either going to make the turn onto the highway to make the relationship work because

you have what it takes, you have connection and chemistry and moral ground and all these things, but you're going through a rough patch. So you decide to, you know, I'm gonna make this work or you're gonna make, you're gonna turn left onto another highway and keep going. But sometime during your relationship with somebody, these stages have to work.

So, yeah.

Yeah, you're either going to make it to stage four or you're going to turn it stage two every time. And if you and if you're a stage two turner, you're probably just afraid to go down a road and you haven't realized it that that fighting for something is probably better.

Any last words on the stages of a relationship there, Miss Tina?

I would agree with that. The only thing I would say is this is at some point in your relationship, you need to either get on the boat or get off of it because there's other people waiting. And here's the other thing, your past is not your future, period.

people in your past.

Absolutely.

help you. You know, some, some people actually want to help you and some people just want to use you. And unfortunately, the people in your past generally have been the ones who've used you and it's hard to find the grace to get past that. And if you do and you find somebody

Robe them up. I think that there's something to that. Like I said, I've had two friends that I've had some kind of relations with that have found mates and are married now. Good for them. That means you've you've gone through. The hurting of whatever happened in your past and started something fresh. Look. You can find us on pretty much any podcasting thing we get listens all over.

We had a really good year, Miss Tina. We're like 250 downloads away from 10,000. So thank you everyone out there. Yeah, pretty wild. Pretty, pretty wild. There's been over 5,000 people listen to this show, at least through the analytics that I can see. There's probably more because

I've had people say that they've listened to the show and I don't get the analytics, but yeah, so thanks a lot. You can keep listening. I've been better about updating the social media is when the new show comes out. So you'll probably see more of that in the. Future. And yeah, it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. I'm Rob. That's Tina. We'll see you in a week. Bye.