Shownotes
Jo Self
Gallup Certified Coach, Jo Self, dreams of living in a world where talents aren’t wasted, potentials are realized, and happiness is contagious. As the author of the Practical Strengths series, she is determined to teach the 34 talents of CliftonStrengths® as a 2nd language, believing that a common language which celebrates differences as advantages will bring communities together and positively power them forward. Her background is diverse - ranging from developing award-winning employee programs for the world’s largest fast-food restaurant company, Yum! Brands, to starting her own event business. Once she moved to Peru in 2011, she built a Top 50 Start-Up Tourism Business. In 2015, after a brief cancer scare, everything changed and she looked to Gallup to start her most recent path, one which is not just a job, but a calling – and Practical Strengths is the biggest part of that journey.
website: https://practicalstrengths.org
Jo Self joins us to share her insights on cultivating a strengths-based approach within families, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and celebrating individual talents. With a background as a Gallup certified coach, Joe believes that understanding our inherent strengths can lead to more harmonious family dynamics and better communication.
Throughout the conversation, she discusses how parents can help their children identify their unique talents, allowing for a deeper understanding of one another and fostering a calmer family life. Jo also highlights the dangers of labeling children too soon and the need for boundaries that promote healthy development. Tune in to discover practical strategies for empowering your family through the language of strengths, all while enjoying a lighthearted yet impactful discussion.
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The discussion with Jo Self, a Gallup certified coach and author, dives deep into the transformative power of recognizing and utilizing individual strengths in family dynamics. Jo, who has a rich background in creating impactful employee programs and running her own successful business, shares how her personal journey with health challenges led her to a profound understanding of the CliftonStrengths assessment. This assessment, she argues, serves as a vital tool for individuals and families to identify their unique talents and use them to foster better relationships and enhance overall happiness.
A central aspect of the conversation is the notion that families often struggle with communication due to differing strengths among members. Jo highlights the importance of understanding that children may not naturally reflect their parents’ strengths or preferences, which can lead to frustration on both sides. By implementing a strengths-based approach, families can create an environment of acceptance and encouragement, allowing each member to thrive in their own right. Joe asserts that fostering this understanding early on can prevent misunderstandings and promote a culture of collaboration, which is essential for healthy family dynamics.
As the conversation unfolds, Jo also touches on the broader implications of strengths-based parenting in educational contexts. She believes that teaching children to identify and appreciate their strengths can significantly impact their academic and social development. Rather than focusing solely on weaknesses or areas for improvement, Joe encourages parents and educators to celebrate what children do well, which ultimately cultivates self-esteem and resilience. This episode serves as a compelling reminder of the potential for strengths-based development to create not only healthier family relationships but also a more supportive and understanding society.
Transcripts
Today I have the pleasure of introducing Joe Self. Joe is a Gallup certified coach who dreams of living in a world where talents aren't wasted, potentials are realized, and happiness is contagious.
As the author of the Practical Strength series, she is determined to teach 34 talents of CliftonStrengths as a second language, believing that a common language which celebrates differences as advantages will bring communities together and positively power them forward.
ce she even moved to Peru. In: In:Welcome Joe, I remember talking with you a couple of weeks ago on the Health Wells Wisdom Summit. This was a really interesting topic and we're really glad you've decided to join us back on our podcast. Thank you very much for being here.
Jo Self:Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for the invitation.
Kristina:So as we love to get started, we really want to take that bio and really just figure out the passion behind it.
You know, you gave us a lot of great information, but was there that one thing besides that scare or a little bit deeper revelation that said, you know what, it really is time to get this out into the world for families.
Jo Self: the assessment myself back in:It wasn't, it's not something that says, oh wow, I didn't know that about myself.
It's kind of like, you know, and people hate when you say this, but it's kind of like when you read your horoscope like your real like astrology and you kind of go, oh yeah, that sounds like me. That sounds like me.
The assessment kind of does the same thing, but for me it answered all of those times when someone said something like, why do you do that? Or why are you like that? And you go, I. I don't know. I mean, isn't everybody like that? Isn't that a. I didn't know that was a bad thing in my case.
It's like, why do you smile all the time? I. I just do. Well, I have positive.
Kristina:Does the assessment really tell you that why you smile a lot.
Jo Self:I have positivity as a talent. And so positivity as a talent, like I can't help myself. I am constantly going to try to lift the energy wherever I am.
I'm going to see solutions instead of problems. I'm just naturally gravitated to. Being a smiley person. Doesn't mean I'm happy all the time. It doesn't mean I don't have dark moments.
It just means my choice is solution oriented and to generally believe that things will get better. Right, but without knowing positivity.
I mean, I can say that, but it just, it gave me the words, the language I needed to help other people understand that about me. And then I was the kind of person that everyone always came to for advice. So it came to this point where Joe, I don't know what to do about this.
And I'd be like, great, read this book, take this test, let's talk. Read this book, take this test, let's talk. So I worked with it for years informally before I chose to certify in it.
And I would say while it hasn't been my professional path, my passion, my heart is really around building a strengths based generation. And that's where families come into play because you know, sometimes you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
But man, what if we got this language started sooner and where better to start with that than families and in educational spaces.
Kristina:Yes, yes, yes.
And I absolutely love that because you know, some of the things that we talk about with the vibrant family education is like, what can we do so that our children can have a better future by knowing themselves and knowing how they learn and knowing everything about themselves so that they can either use it to change the direction, maybe they don't like the direction they're going, or use it to increase what they're doing because they really like it.
So yes, I completely agree with this that we need to help kids understand themselves and help families understand each other so that they can have those more calm conversations and that calmer family life and things like that.
Jo Self:Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's really important as parents too to not get caught in the trap of looking at our kids as many knees. Right?
And so that mini me is, oh, they're mine. So they think like me, they're going to be raised like me, they're going to act like me, they're going to have the same likes as me.
It no, they can be very, very different. And then we're stuck with like oh my gosh, what do I do with this?
And even if we liked something about how our parents raised us, right, because we tend to raise our kids with things that our parents did that worked for us, and we tend to avoid the things that didn't work for us. Well, what if the thing that didn't work for you is exactly the thing that's going to work for your child? Right, right.
And so being able to sort of look at them in a little bit more objective way and ourselves as well, we can kind of come to their love language a little bit more easily. And strengths is one of the ways to do that.
Herb:Yeah, yeah. So I, I hurt my head many years ago.
My life kind of fell apart and I kind of got involved in a lot of different things, psychology kind of one of them, to try and figure out what was going on with my brain.
And I started learning about different psychological profile tests like the mbti, like the Enneagram, and also some other, like, more out there kind of stuff like the human body code.
And one of the things that I found is as I, as I took some of these personality tests and it really does help you figure out why you are, why you've made choices that way. Now, a lot of people like, oh, I don't like those because it says, oh, you're this, this and this.
And one of the things that I found is, no, that's just your baseline. So if in default I am going to act this way, but I can use my cognitive abilities to choose to be outside of my personality.
And so one of the ways I use it to, I try to describe it is I use my personality to start building the character I wanted to be.
So instead of just falling into my default whatever, then I, then it's like, okay, I'm, I'm going to act this way unless I put effort into being some way different. And so that, that actually helped me settle a lot into the issues that I was having after I hurt my head.
And it sounds, it sounds very similar to what you're talking about. So the strength base, you find out what your strengths are and then you use those to start working in areas where you're, where you're not as strong.
Is that correct?
Jo Self:Yes and no. I want to be a little careful with the language.
So they don't really consider the CliftonStrengths assessment a personality profile like some of the other ones. It has nearly 70 years of proof and investigation behind it. It actually has a pretty high rate.
As long as you're honest with the test, it will be very honest with you. I mean, I think that's key for almost any of the ones we do for validity purposes.
But, and this is my error to some degree because it is called the strengths assessment. But what it really measures are talent themes. So ways that we naturally think, act, behave and feel.
And so for me, when I think about these talents, it is what is my intrinsic motivation, my intrinsic needs, Those things that I can't change about myself very easily. They just are what they are. Now, those talents have the capacity to go to the dark side, to the light side.
So our weaknesses are actually in our talents. It's not necessarily working on what we can't do, what we don't do naturally.
It's ensuring that we are aiming what we do naturally in the most positive way possible and having more of a positive impact versus a negative impact impact. So if we take something like my talent of communication, when it is at a strengths level, it means I am communicating effectively.
I am creating images in your head with the words that I am using. I am listening. Well, I am telling stories that help you understand a concept. Yeah.
When my communication is at weakness level, I'm excited about what you're saying.
So I start finishing your sentences for you, and I'm not listening and I'm getting very excited and I'm talking too fast and I'm not actually communicating very effectively. Right. Like I tell people, just because you have communication as a talent does not mean you communicate effectively all the time.
Just means we care about words and we use stories to connect. So when we're interrupting you, we're not interrupting you because we're bored with what you're saying. We're interrupting you to show you. I get you.
I see where you're going with this. I understand you. And we have to remember not to do that all the time.
But we're all human, so we're always going to vary in between the dark and the light. But it's knowing this about ourselves and having that intentionality to go, ooh, that was maybe not the best use of that talent right there.
What can I do to shift?
Herb:Yeah, that's funny, because you pointed out something that I used to do quite often because it's like, well, I know what you're going to say. I've got. I've got the picture. I don't want to wait for you to finish before I help you get to the next level.
So instead of letting them, you know, complete their story and feel complete, I would be like, oh, yeah, I see that picture. I've been there, done that here. And I would try and redirect because. Because I'm ahead of them. And it's like, let them. Let them catch up.
Jo Self:That could be activator. That could be ideation. That could be strategic. Right. Like, you go into fix it mode. You're like, got it, got it. All right, this is what we need to do.
And they're still like, wait, I. I don't have it yet. I'm still. I'm still catching up. Right? Yeah.
Herb:I'm explaining it to you, hoping that I get to understand it better. Oops. See there? I did it just right there.
Jo Self:Yeah, no, it's. And I mean, and that's the thing is we're human, but that's where it's really nice to have this language.
Because if we are falling into the trap of something else, I can say, you know, Herb, I know you have activator and communication, and like, you're just excited to get there, but can you. Can you just let me finish my thought, please? And you'll be like, oh, crap, I am doing that. Right.
But it's not like, oh, man, Herb, you never listen to me. You never let me finish this. Right. Because I don't know that that's a natural way for you to be.
But if I know that about you, it allows me to more gracefully say, look, I get that you have these talents and this is a need, and this is what gets you excited, but I. I really need to be able to finish my thought, please. And you can go. Yeah, okay, go. Right.
And I physically will put my hand over my mouth so that I don't jump in again.
Herb:Yeah.
Jo Self:Because I might. And my ideation is going crazy. So I might have a notepad and I'm taking notes so that I remember to go back to something I wanted to say. Right.
So you find these strategies to work with that. But it's just such. We tend. It tends to support the pillar of. Not to take things personally. Yes.
Herb:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kristina:Because in family, when you are communicating, it's, you know, because you know them so well, it's easy to take it so offensive. You know, it's like, no, you are really not really supporting me right now, or you're really not listening to what I really need to say.
Jo Self:Right. You know, and I mean, you know, as a parent. So let's say as a parent, you have includer or woo, which is one of the others over.
And you tend to, like, a lot of people around you are constantly Creating playdates for your kids, more people at the house, the mayor. This is great. You want your friends, you want their friends to be included. You want them to feel really included. You want everybody to be your kids.
Like, love to spend some time alone in my room to read. Mom is always inviting people Mom. Right. So you get really frustrated and they don't know how to communicate it.
And it's like that's your need to have people over all the time. But that may not be your kids need. They may need that space and alone time. They may want one on one relationships, but not big group relationships.
Right?
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:So that's where that's really helpful for us to know that about ourselves.
Herb:Yeah, that sounds like the difference between introversion and extroversion a little bit there.
Jo Self:To some degree. To some degree I have woo. But I very much consider myself a shy extrovert.
So, like, I do like having people around and I know that if I'm alone for too long, it is not pretty.
But I also still like my alone time and I don't necessarily want other people creating large groups around me all the time when I'm like, you know, my battery is a little screened right now. Like, I appreciate, but I'm not really there at the moment.
And I think what's really nice about this is even when you do it when your kids are older, like, even if you don't have elementary teenagers, you do it when the kids are already in college or in the early 20s.
It can reframe a lot of memories from the past to be like, oh, that's why dad was always on me to do this, or, oh, that's why mom was always doing this. And it actually reframes past hurts and misunderstandings into a new way that you can go, oh, gosh, that makes so much more sense now.
And it can heal. It can really actually heal that.
Kristina:Yeah, you just triggered something in my brain thinking about especially like those teenage years or those early 20s when all of a sudden they're like, no, mom. And I just don't understand me. And they've always been on my case.
And like you said, it can reframe and hopefully heal some of that because there's a new lens, a new perspective.
Jo Self:Exactly, exactly.
Kristina:And that would be amazing for families, especially with everything that's going on, because I don't know if you've heard about it, but there's kind of a movement out there right now where young people are kind of disowning their parents because they're like, oh, they were narcissists or they were really hard on me or they were whatever. And I have to get rid of this toxic relationship.
And instead of labeling it as a toxic relationship, if both families or both pieces could, people could come together and do this and maybe like you said, reframe.
Jo Self:Yes.
Kristina:Could it maybe help heal some of these families?
Jo Self:Yes. And, you know, it's something you just said. I read. I.
I've seen a couple of articles about this and have read and I'm going to be very honest, a little superficially, but it mostly because it really just, oh yeah, does this. But I've read a lot lately and I see this and I see it even here.
The number of small kids that are in therapy and therapy and schools and mental health and their wellness is not focused on joy or what is right. It is very much focused on what is wrong with you. Why aren't things, you know, helping? Why are you so sad? Why are you so angry? Why are.
And they're like creating these patterns of belief that things are wrong and external things are. But we don't go, what brings you joy? Where are you succeeding? What makes you feel good? What do you love? What people do for you? Like, how do we help?
And. And I feel like we're doing them a really big disservice.
And I appreciate recognizing feelings and allowing them to be able to express themselves, but I feel like that pendulum is swung way too far in one direction. That is actually doing more harm than good.
Kristina:An example I'd like to give right there is like, when people are told to name their child's emotions, they name them from an adult perspective. When Your child is 5 or 6 years old and they're feeling sad, it's probably not depression, it's probably not anxiety.
It's probably not these big labels we put on us as adults. I ask families to tone it down, Go back to the basic emotions. Are you mad? Are you sad? Are you happy?
And then if you can't quite get there, then go a little bit farther.
But don't label the kids with these big emotions when you're trying to help them figure out, because they have no idea what those big emotions are yet.
Jo Self:Yeah. And my son, you know, my son on his own has he. He has challenges expressing his emotions. And I can pinpoint a lot of places where this comes from.
And we did put him in therapy for a little while, but they were like twice they've wanted to go in to diagnose him with adhd. He's even now self diagnosing himself with ADHD because of all the things he keeps seeing. And he's like, yeah, I think that's me.
And I'm like, hey, but there's a lot of things that they contributing to that without you necessarily actually being that, which is fine if you are fine if you're not. But he's gone through two analysis, and both times like, no, we don't think he has adhd. But the last one said, but we do think he's depressed.
And I went, well, yeah, he's sad. He's definitely sad. He's sad, he's lonely. He feels isolated. He doesn't have a lot of friends. Of course he's sad.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:That's why I want him to be in group therapy, not individual therapy, because he needs to learn the social skills and he needs to see what is good about him. Right. And so they were like, well, we want to put him on Prozac. And I was like, oh, no, we're not going down that path just yet. No, no, no, no, no.
We'll try a couple of other things. And, you know, and that was part. Part of our decision to move back to the States is he just.
He has such an easier time connecting with kids there than he has had in Latin America.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:So it's a big reason we're moving back now. And he's a different kid. We spent two and a half months this summer in the States, and he was just.
He was a different kid because he got to go out and play, because he had friends, because he got to talk to people. Like, it's not rocket science. Yeah, exactly. Hi, buddy.
Herb:Yeah. So when I hurt myself and I. It went undiagnosed for several years, and my life started falling apart.
Everything that I used to work for me kind of stopped working. And I went into this path of what's wrong with me. And the more I looked for what's wrong with me, the more I found what's wrong with me.
And it just kept getting darker and worse. And it got to a point where I had to start, like, okay, what's right? What is working? Just so that's kind of like what you said.
And, you know, I still got a ways to go with that, because some of the structural damage that that happened kind of makes that a little more difficult. But at the same time, if you start looking for what's wrong, you can always find more wrong.
And I got into a coaching program as a result of that, and so many people, so many times the coaches are.
It's like, you know, stop looking for what's wrong with people, because you will always be able to find more of what's wrong if all you got to do is look out the door, go any direction, and you can find something wrong. But to start finding the things that are right, to start finding the joys, to start finding the things that you like, that.
That got to the point where that was so difficult for me because I had found so much wrong.
So the sooner that you can start looking for the things that are right so that you can start looking for your strengths, that you can start finding your joy.
Kristina:Yeah.
Herb:And talents. The. The easier that is. And the. The longer you wait to start. The. The longer you get. The longer it takes to get there.
Jo Self:Yeah. And I want to say two things there. So I'm going to put a pin in this first one, which is resonance repatterning.
So let's just put a pin in that and make a note. We'll go back in a second. But the part about looking was wrong for whatever reason.
So I've been doing this officially for nine years as a certified coach for whatever reason. Last year, I had more people tell me after they took the strengths assessment, and I would go, hey, what did you think?
And they would go, I hate them. This is everything that's wrong with me. And I would go, okay.
Now, it had happened once or twice before in nine years, but last year it happened to me like four or five times.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:Which was really strange because it's not something that normally happens when people get their strengths, they're like, oh, yeah, that's me. Oh, that's cool. I didn't actually know that was a strength. It felt like a weakness. But that's cool to see it this way.
Some people really took it and went to the dark side with it and was like, okay, let's unpack that. Right.
And what I discovered, and it's one of the reasons in my forum this year, we really looked at neurodiversity, mental health and trauma and how our strengths can become shelters or survival mechanisms or coping mechanism like these coping mechanisms. When we are kids, our talents will often show up as something negative. It will be raw.
It will be in the overuse pattern, and we may see it as something that's wrong.
And so when somebody doesn't share your talent and can only see the dark side of it, you start believing it's something that's wrong with you versus something that's right. And so it's really, you know, anybody like myself, anybody who has Communication and possibly woo. And had it when they were a kid. I promise you.
We were the kids who talked too much, who were constantly being separated from the class, who were being set in a desk by the teachers. And every report code said she could just stop bothering her neighbors if she could just stop talking. Everyone. What do I do now? I'm an author.
I've been in theater. I do public speaking. I do keynote. I mean, yeah, wasn't maybe the prettiest when I was a kid all the time.
But it doesn't mean it wasn't there to be developed. It was so recognizing those things earlier.
If your kid has an achieving talent, your kid may be the kid that it's really hard to get off a video game because they are dead set on leaving it. And leaving it unfinished feels like anxiety inducing. Yeah. And so it's not that they're addicted 100% to the game necessarily.
It's that their drive is to finish. Right.
And so they've got to get all the levels or they've got to get at least one level done or one accomplishment done so they can feel okay about setting it down. And also, if they look like they give up too easily, they may not be giving up.
There was a great example of a client of a friend of mine, and he had Maximizer, which is excellence. And basically, once it's done really well, you don't want to touch it again. Learner. Which if I've learned it, I don't need to learn it again. Right.
Competition. I feel like I got to the top of my field and I won. What else to do? Had achiever again. Accomplishment.
And I don't remember what the other one was, but this kid had basically won a blue ribbon in every category at the 4H Fair. I mean, like, every category there was at the 4h fair had gotten to the levels of the purple ribbons of, like, overall prizes. And then he quit 4H.
Everybody's like, oh, my God, he's such a quitter. Why is he quitting? This kid will never go anywhere. I'm like, he's literally maxed out. He's not a quitter out. There was nowhere else for him to go.
He needs new challenges. But everybody thought he was lazy in a quitter.
Kristina:After all those ribbons and things. That doesn't make sense to me.
Jo Self:Wow. Yeah, he just gave it up. He didn't want to do it anymore, so he was lazy in a quitter. Then he discovers silence and go, guy's not a quitter.
The guy's bored. Like he needs new challenges. Right.
So that's where having these strengths just really helps us reframe our perspectives of what is really happening and what those needs really are.
Herb:So one of the interesting things in personalities is some of them are more prevalent than others. So like the ENFJ is like a really. There's a lot of those. The infj, we're talking Meyer, Briggs. The INFJ is one of the rarest in the Enneagram.
There's certain, there's certain formations that seem to be a lot more people. Is that the same way with strengths and talents? Are there certain strengths that are more obvious to a lot of people?
And are there some strengths that are like very rare and aren't as out there and so need to be looked at differently?
Jo Self:Yes, absolutely. And I'm actually looking for a picture right now because I want to reference something, but yes, absolutely. So there are four domains of talents.
When we look at the overall, the big 34 CliftonStrengths assessment and influencing talent happen to be often the least frequently appearing talents. I happen to have five of them in my top 10, but as far as showing up in your top five, they tend to be the least common. And 34.
And like 33 and 34, I think are command and significance. And the thought around that is. Or is it self assurance? It's one of those two. Command, definitely. And it's either self assurance or significance.
Well, the thought around that is those people are like, you know, test to tell me who I am, I'm fine. Right. So maybe just people with high influencing are taking the test. Right. Like we, we don't really know why that's being impacted that way.
Kristina:That would make sense.
Jo Self:But to find someone, statistically speaking, what I love about talents in particular is to find someone with Your same top five in any order is 1 in 278,000 that's been to find someone with the same top five in the same order is 1 in 33 million. But nobody is just five dominant talents. 10 to 15 innate ways of being that we can't help but be. And so that number goes exponential.
So even though I have someone who has my same top five, I have one sprink twin out there in the world. There's a way to find them. We're very different. Yeah, we're very different.
And now that, statistically speaking, now there's a frequency that we're not putting in that. Right. So there is one set of talents for a top five that is like one in a thousand when you Take frequency into account.
And those are all strategic thinking talents. But it varies by country, it varies by gender. As far as what is frequency, it varies by generation for what shows up.
So, yeah, there's a lot of things that go into it.
Kristina:Yeah, that would be really interesting because the test that he keeps talking about, we happen to score the same kind in there. So in that way, we're very, very, you know, compatible.
And we understand each other a lot better because we're like the exact same personality profile.
But if we took this test and to see, break it down even farther and a little bit different and see what our tops would be, that would be super interesting.
Herb:So in the MBTI, we're both INFJs.
en, we've been together since: Jo Self:Yeah. Well, when you look at this from a generation perspective, like, Gallup is no longer sharing this information.
And the last time they shared it, millennials were probably in college, like in. So Gen Z is not in there. Alpha is definitely not in there. Right. They're still too young.
But if you go to what, you know, the silent generation, the traditionalists, the number one talent is responsibility. Baby boomers is responsibility. Gen X, it's input, which doesn't even factor in with the baby boomers or traditionalists.
Herb:So what does that talent? What does that mean?
Jo Self:Input. Input. I call the Mary Poppins or the Boy Scout of the talent. It's a strategic thinking talent, but it is, is one that is very resource based.
So it's a librarian. If you need it, they've got it.
If they don't have it, they're gonna go find it and get it so that they have it the next time someone asks them for it.
Kristina:That sounds very much like.
Herb:That sounds very much like Gen X.
Jo Self:Yeah. And like they are the people that, like, they're the ones that have the glove compartment that, you know, just like they're the over packers.
You don't know, we might need it. So they're the people that have already letting go of things. They can be hoarders. Right, but that's number one. But.
And then millennials, it's adaptability and then input. Right, interesting.
But if you think about what the generations, when you look at their whole top five when you think about what each generation has kind of had to face, you go, oh, well, that makes sense. I mean, millennials came up in an extremely volatile environment economically. Things were changing.
the, you know, the, you know,: Herb:Yeah. So that's so funny because the three that you mentioned, so, like, the baby boomers being responsibility. They. But they.
Us, kids, who are the Gen Xers, who are the kids of the baby boomers, we were talked about responsibility, but then we were left alone. We. We were called the feral generation. And so we have. We have the input, so we had to figure out how to do all of this stuff on our own.
And, and we did. We, We, We. We just did. I mean, we had to figure it out. And then they fall and then the group after us.
Jo Self:Yeah, Millennials. So millennials and Gen X have responsibility, but they have it at three, like.
Herb:Right.
Jo Self:The top one. They're still responsible.
Herb:Right. But then, but then we. We had to figure it out. And then the millennials, we kind of tortured them as we were. Yeah. Because.
Because we were the generation right ahead of them. They were our little brothers and our little sisters. And so they had the. They had the start of the Internet. They were born right after the Internet.
They were born right after the connectivity. They. They had to change, adapt from what we were doing, because what we were doing wasn't sustainable necessarily. It created a very.
A generation that, that, that input. Talent of being able to just do everything because we had to, because that's how we grew up. Because if you couldn't figure it out, you.
It just didn't happen.
Jo Self:Right. Which. What happens with my son now, who is an Alpha. Right. I'm an old mom because I'm 51. My son is ten and a half, but he's definitely an Alpha. Right?
And he is. I mean, connectivity is everything. And so everything is kind of there. Done for. Like, he doesn't have to figure anything out.
That is probably our biggest frustrating point is. I'm like, figure it out. He's like, but, Mom, I don't. I'm like, oh, my.
Like, I know I'm not constantly giving you everything and trying to do it for you. Like, where is this, like, inability to just figure it out for yourself?
That resilience that comes with figuring it out for yourself, the confidence that comes from figuring it out yourself? And, like, they'll, like, try for literally, like, two minutes. And they're like, I can't do it. And you're just like, really?
Herb:The microwave.
Kristina:Try again.
Jo Self:You're gonna put in. Come on.
Kristina:But that confidence thing I. That you, when you said that, that just totally popped in my head is because as I'm working with the young kids now. Exactly.
That confidence thing, they lose their confidence so quick because they don't think they can figure it out. But then once you start showing them but you are confident, you have figured it out. You can do this, you can do that.
They just light up and then they soar. But if they have any inkling of losing that confidence, you're right. They stop trying. They're like, no, I. I can't do this.
Herb:Well, everything on the Internet right now and all the videos they watch, everything just flows so smoothly. And it's like, oh, yeah, you can do this in a couple of minutes. And then if it takes a little bit longer, it's like, oh, this isn't reality.
Jo Self:Yeah, yeah. The video game. Right. My son will be like, do it. What should be able to do? Ouch. He probably in behind.
Like, you're see the whole process, you're seeing the outcome.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:You wake up one morning and suddenly ace this and be able to do it like immediately. That's not how that works. Yeah, Right. But there's all this instant gratification, which you can put blame a lot of different places for that one.
Right. But it's. I think it's even affecting us as adults. Really. Even though we came from the resilience.
You know, this instant gratification is affecting us as well.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:I can't imagine growing up with it.
Kristina:Yeah. So let's circle back around to families for just a second. So we've had a lot of great ideas of how that will improve their communication.
It'll help understand why they're acting a certain way or why they're not doing something a certain way. One of the things I was wondering about was like organizers, is there a talent or a strength in like organizing kind of thing?
Jo Self:Say that again.
Kristina:For organization. Is there a strength or a talent that kind of leads to that? Because, you know, we have some kids who like their rooms just so.
And then there's other kids that like, oh my gosh, everything is where, wherever it's going to be. And then their families that. That contention in there. Right. It's like, why aren't you keeping your room clean?
I've shown you how to keep your room clean.
Jo Self:Yes, there are so talent. So when we look at it from kids. There's actually a talent called organizing. And those kids tend to be organizers.
The kids that were like, lining up their cars in a straight road when they were three years old and like, everything kind of went everywhere. As you get older, those talents become arranger or discipline. Okay. Those are probably the two that as adults we. We see most often. I have a Ranger.
Arranger is very systematic. But my, my organization looks like chaos to other people. I don't like it when it looks like chaos to me. But I also like.
I like to see everything because the minute is behind a closed door. It may as well have gone into the void. It no longer exists in my world. So I am that person that has the pile of papers on the desk.
But you asked me where it is. I know exactly where it is in that pile the minute you put it in a file folder. I don't know what I was thinking at the time.
Was I thinking of banking? Was I thinking of taxes? Was I thinking, like, I don't know where it went. And that's even with file folders.
That's even the file folders on my computer.
Herb:Right.
Jo Self:Like, that's very particular about how I name documents, where I put them. And so I discovered something, God bless TikTok. I discovered doom basket.
And I don't remember what doom stands for, but literally it's basically chunking your organization. So, like, if it's a tool, everything that's a tool is in like this basket. If it's short sleeve shirts, everything that is a short sleeve shirt.
You can fold it. It doesn't have to be folded entirely up to you, but like, it gets some sort of organization going. Okay. That is a struggle with my son.
And I don't like a mess, but I'm also not real, you know, clean and crisp with the way I organize things.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:So I keep. But.
But this is where it comes in is I keep telling Oliver, you could organize it this way, you could organize it this way, you could organize it this way. But we've got to find something that works. You can't constantly be asking me, where's my shirt?
Like, right, if you put it away, it's in the basket you put it away in. It's the drawer you put it away in. It's the box. You have it. I don't care. Just figure something out so you can find it.
So, but that's one of the things we do is because as adults, we're like, but this is the system that works for me. So this is the system that's going to work for you. We've got to go like, no, we got to help them find their system. Yeah, right.
And what this means, and it doesn't come easily, and every kid is going to develop differently. And. But yes, organizing can. And you can imagine like a parent that has discipline. Someone who has discipline is a talent.
And I've seen this a lot in families where discipline is high in one of the parents. And that parent is like, structure is internal sanity and comfort.
They need routine, they need structure, they need things a certain way because that is where they find their peace. Unfortunately, they try to externalize that and make that same routine, that same structure. Everyone has to adapt it, and it can be very inflexible.
And so discipline says, hey, Bobby, what do you want for dinner tonight? And Bobby says, I don't care. Probably has adaptability and adaptability really doesn't care. Put food on the table, mom, I'm going to eat it.
I don't really care. Adaptability needs limited options. You can do this or you can do that. Do you want Chinese or do you want Italian?
Do you want breakfast for dinner or do you want a steak? Right. Like. And they will give you a decision, but if you make it open, they're like, I don't care. Yeah, right.
Kristina:And that happens with kids so much.
Jo Self:No, it happens all the time. And adaptability is one of those talents that we're seeing more and more in our kids to some degree, which isn't always great.
And adaptability as a talent is someone who very easily goes with the flow, but it's like a stream. As long as it has the borders and it hasn't overrun the borders, it's good. It's in flow. It can go over the rocks. Like, it's good.
The minute it is like, opening up and overflows, it is chaos. And so shiny object. I'll go over there. Oh, no, maybe I'll do this instead. Oh, I'm doing this. Oh, maybe I'll do this instead.
And so when you start looking at things like adhd, you start looking at certain cognitive behaviors and stuff, you can look at talents and go, oh, I can see where this is coming from. Right. And so there are talents that you will find more frequently in certain cognitive functioning spaces. Right.
Herb:That's that kind of funny that coming back to the MBTI infjs, if you give them an infinite amount of possibilities to do something, they're going to do nothing. They're going to take that. I can do everything. Great. I'm going to do Nothing. And it's, it's a really interesting thing that, that, that I find.
It's like, so if I have, if I was like, oh, this, we're moving this direction. Okay, I can do that. Oh, hey, I can do anything I want. I will get stuck in the. What do I want to do? And I will just sit there in that.
What do I want to do? And do nothing for a long time.
Jo Self:Yeah, yeah.
Herb:And then figure out that, wow, this is actually really relaxing. I like this. Not doing nothing. Yeah. So it's, it's a really weird conundrum sometimes.
Jo Self:Relax Achiever's like, I'm not doing anything. Oh my God, I got to do something. And they will do anything just to feel like they're doing something.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:Which may or may not be productive, but it's the exact opposite. Right. And it's funny, my achiever is very, very low kind of thing.
And so my friends that have really high achiever, I'm always like, oh, you're watching Netflix, so you're probably like folding the laundry or balancing your checkbook or you've like checked to see how long the episode is or the series is or the movie is to make sure you can actually finish it. Because if you can't finish it, you're not going to start it. Right. And he's like, oh, that's really funny.
I'm like, I, on the other hand, have absolutely zero problem just sitting down on my couch and letting my brain do nothing. Like, I can totally veg and, you know, binge watch something for a while. I don't need to fold my laundry while I'm doing it.
I'm perfectly happy to admit there's a lot of people that are not like that. Right.
Kristina:Yeah, exactly. But I love what you were also talking about, about having still some boundaries.
Because that's what we talk about with our families, is that, you know, to give your child wide open, to not have expectations or boundari boundaries, that's not good for them because as they're still learning, they don't understand how to put their own boundaries on. Right. So you're actually doing them a disservice when you just say, oh, we're just going to leave this open and let them figure it out.
It's like, no, they, they want boundaries. They really do.
Now, not tight boundaries that are going to, you know, totally box them in, but boundaries that gives them that bumper rail that lets them kind of go, oh, I can go this far. I can go this far. I want to be somewhere Kind of in the middle. So it's important that parents hear that.
That, yes, boundaries are actually a good thing in the concept of helping them make those decisions and learning what are good decisions, bad decisions, etc.
Jo Self:Yeah, absolutely. But also recognizing that how they do it is okay as long as the goal is met.
Kristina:Yes.
Jo Self:Right. So you need them to take a bath. Do they come out clean? Great.
What they do in the bath shouldn't really matter as long as they come out cleaner than they went in. We have.
Kristina:Yeah.
Jo Self:Tell them how hot the water has to be or how cold the water has to be or what toys they can play with or what they can or can't do. Like, that's never going to work and that's always going to end up in rebellion. Right. So being able to let go of the how is really crucial.
And that's where our talents come in. And so I always talk about it like we're coming to the same room but through different doors. No door is better than the other one.
As long as we are not having a negative impact on the others around us. Yeah. If we are having a negative impact on the others around us, that's where we need to adjust. Something is not working.
Kristina:Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. I think we could keep talking forever.
And I think there have been so many gold nuggets just dropped through this episode of Parents are really listening and tuning in. They're going to be like, oh, now I can look at this a different way or now I can look at this. But what if they want to go deeper?
Joe, tell them how to get a hold of you, where they can find you, how this can be a help to them and their family.
Jo Self:Yeah. So the best way to get a hold of me is through the website on discover jo self.com. okay.
And you can go to the resources page and click on the parenting resources. And right Now I've got $100 off of a family session, which actually includes assessments.
My goal in working with families is to make it accessible for whatever level you are, for whatever age your kids are and your economic level as well. So really, for me it's most important that you get the support that you need. And you know, our family is a team.
And I always, you know, I talk about communities and teams and when I talk about community, it's whether you're a preformed family, preform team, a non form team. You're just people who occupy a similar space. But like when you start with a family, at the end of the day there is no in team. But there is a me.
Yeah. And we can only form the best we if we understand the mes involved. And that's everybody that comes together. Right.
And so that's, to me, where strengths really helps is it gives us that language to make the connections, divide the chores up, et cetera.
Herb:Yeah. So one of the things you said earlier is when people would come to you before you started doing this, you would say, read this book. Take this test.
What is this book? What is this test? Is that still out there? Is that still available?
Jo Self:So the book is still out there. There are books out there. If you are.
If you have a child taking this under from the age of 14 or under, and you're the best judge of your child, you could maybe even take it as low as 8 years old. The recommended is from 10 to 14 from Gallup.
I think with the pandemic, there was probably a few things that were with that age group just because of our abilities to socialize and develop certain things. But it's a 78 mind for younger kids. And there are 10 talents that come. I'm hoping you can still hear me.
Herb:Okay, you froze for a moment there. You started. You said 78 and that's when you froze.
Jo Self:Okay, sorry, I froze for a second. So there's 70. Okay. There's 78 questions on a test called Strengths Explorer.
Now, on my parenting resources page, you can get a link to take any one of those assessments. So you can just go right to my page. You don't have to look for it. There's not really. There is a book.
There's Strengths Based Parenting that goes with that. My book, Practical Strengths Parenting actually helps the parent apply their talents towards their kids.
Strengths Based parenting looks more at the domains for the kids. And then after the age of 14, 14 or 15, you can take the same assessment. But there's one that's called CliftonStrengths for students.
It is the exact same 34 that we would take as an adult, but the tools are geared towards helping them in their schooling and studying and career development at that space. So there are different assessments, but they can all be taken online. You just purchase them through my website or through the Gallup website.
Kristina:Excellent. Perfect. Thank you so very, very much.
Herb:And one other thing that you said that kind of caught my. You. They stopped sharing the data and so they only have three generations. What did. What did that mean? What did he mean they stopped sharing the data?
Jo Self:Well, Philip used to be very generous with their. With their data around, you know, different countries and genders and, like, the frequency and. And those kinds of things.
th us anymore. So since about:Sometimes it comes out in some of their reports that they do, but not at the level of detail that we used to get. So we just kind of. But it's still good to know what it was at one point to kind of, you know, have a baseline anyway. Yeah.
Kristina:Because that really explained things to me whenever you were able to explain the different, you know, at the different times. And it just totally made sense to me why this generation would be kind of like this and why the next generation would be kind of like that.
Is there anything that we haven't talked about or asked you about that you really wanted to make sure that you said to our audience today?
Jo Self:Well, we put a pin in resonance repatterning. So just in case someone out there is like, wait, they never got back to that.
Resonance repattering is a really interesting therapy that I really love. And I've actually been working with some people doing strengths with people who also do that style of therapy.
And, Herb, it was something you said that made me think of it when we were going through. And it's like looking at all the things that we do wrong. Resonance or patterning does this kind of spiral therapy.
And it's like, okay, so when did that stop working? Okay, and when did that stop working? Okay, and when was the very first time you remember that not working for you?
Then it was like, okay, of all the things that didn't work, what is one positive thing that came out of that lesson? And you do that. And like, what's another positive thing that came out of that lesson?
And so you spiral back out, and then you've actually done some re patterning around a potential limiting belief. So you've done some repatterning. Right. And when you have strengths, you can look at something like restorative as a strength.
And I'm sorry, I don't know why my Internet is being so bad right this very second.
Herb:Well, the picture froze, but all the words were coming through.
Jo Self:So you're patterning. So the repatterning is a. So the repatterning, when you look at a strength like something like restorative. Restorative.
Someone who's always looking for problems.
Well, they might have grown up in a house where there was a lot of trauma and they were constantly trying to fix things, or their parents fought all the Time. And so they were always sewing soothing things over and healing and being the mediator and doing all those things.
So when you look at that, your resonance repatterning gives you a. Almost like a fast track clue into what was happening and why it might have been happening and use the talent in conjunction with it.
And it's kind of like funneling questions for parents.
Kristina:Like that.
Jo Self:Questions for parents can be, what is your favorite activity? Oh, I love going to the grocery store. What do you love about going to the grocery store? Do you like writing the list?
Do you like picking out the products? Do you like. Right, yeah. And funneling down to find out what that is. And that can give us clues to talents before we've ever taken an assessment.
Kristina:I like that. That's a great way to think about things. And like you said, circle it and circle it out. Yeah, exactly.
All right, well, we need to wrap up, but it has been a wonderful time talking with you. I am so glad that you came to join us again. And thank you for your tips for our parents.
And parents, if this is something that you want to look into, make sure you reach out to Joe, because guess what? Like we said, if we want our children to have a better, let's not start them off with traumas and misunderstandings and things like that.
Let's really try to figure out how to communicate with our children and help them be happy, healthy, and successful into the future.
Herb:And I would like also to thank you for coming and sharing yourself with us today.
It's a rare thing that people are actually out there putting themselves out and doing it, and you have the strengths and the talents to make that happen.
So thank you for finding your strengths and talents and your passions and our and are using them to actually help other parents and other families bring more of this out into the open so that we can have a healthier, happier society as well.
Jo Self:Absolutely. My pleasure. Thank you so much.
Kristina:All right, families, until next time. We will see you later. Bye for now.
Herb:Bye for now.
