Are you ready to become an awakened man? One of the essential tools at your disposal is asking powerful questions. Questioning what you think you know and why is a powerful thing to do. Alain Dumonceaux speaks to the value and impacts it has had on his life. He became a silver medalist in the culinary Olympics, working hard and learning from gifted chefs and mentors.

Yet a couple of years afterward, Alain found himself again faced with his mental and emotional struggles. Alain shared that we are still stuck with ourselves no matter the wins we achieve. Until we spend time learning about ourselves and growing, self-doubt will follow us. If you wonder how much more you'll need to accomplish to be enough, then listen to hear how Alain used the process of asking himself powerful questions to transform his life.

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Connect with Alain Dumonceaux

Website:

https://www.theawakenedman.net/

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Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/theawakenedman.net/

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Instagram: 

https://www.instagram.com/theawakenedman2020/

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LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/alaindumonceaux/

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Connect with Mike Forrester

https://linktr.ee/hicoachmike

Mike Forrester 0:03

Well, hello, and welcome back my friend this week, Alan Dumont so is joining me to just have an amazing time. So Alan had me as a guest on his show, the revolutionary man podcast short while back. And we just had such a great time talking, and I love his story. And so wanted to bring him on. And have you hear from him and be encouraged by his story, his journey and where he's at now. So, Alan, how are you doing today, my friend?

Alain Dumonceaux 0:37

I'm doing fantastic. Thank you so much, Mike, for having me on the show. And I'm really looking forward to our conversation today.

Mike Forrester 0:44

Hey, my pleasure, man. I'm glad to have you on here. Now, I did skip one thing. got excited about jumping in and talking. But so you're, you're a former culinary Olympian. And until you and I met, I didn't even know that was a thing. And then as we started talking, I was like, this is stellar. So you're a former culinary Olympian. And then we were also talking about your program because you're the founder of the awakened man program. So you've got the podcast, you know, revolutionary on podcast, and then you've got the program, and then the the culinary Olympian, you know, aspect of your story. And it was just so cool. I mean, I love sit there talking. We were, you know, talking through food and about men, it was like, man, we're never gonna get off. Man, it's great to have you on here. Alan, let's let's kick it off, if we can. Where are you today on the business side of life? What does that look like for you?

Alain Dumonceaux 1:46

Yeah, you know, business, the awakened man programming, I was just really going through another reiteration of things, I just find that over the last two or three years, I really started this whole program just prior to the pandemic hitting, because I found there was a need for it. And today, we're just getting ready to go back to in person meetings are pivoting a little bit from from online stuff. So we'll keep we'll continue to have an online component of the weight command training academy where a lot of all of our training resides in. And we're also also reintroducing a hero's quest program, which is all about helping guys really dive into understanding what their Why is, find the true purpose and then working and we I work with them for a 90 day period. And we really dive into all aspects of their life. So I'm excited about that, because we're getting back together and in person and not that online isn't a bad way to get to reach people and speak to people. But there's a different dynamic when you're in the room. And you get a opportunity to work with guys in a one on one. So I'm really looking forward to, to doing that. And we're just just looking at expanding our marketing aspect as well. So lots of lots of stuff going on here as a as this as the weekend man starts to flourish.

Mike Forrester 3:02

Yeah, very cool. And what about on the personal side of life? What does that look like for you?

Alain Dumonceaux 3:09

Yeah, you know what, personally, it just had such a, you know, over the last five or six years, especially, we've had such a shift and in my marriage, I can if I just don't mind, I'll just dial back just a little bit. So, in my earlier in my early days, in my in my 20s I actually married my high school sweetheart. So at one point in my life, half of my life was spent with this with this individual and and we had two children together and you know, grateful for everything that we had, but when my life started to fall apart in my 30s when the vision I had the dream I had that we were going to grow old together and you know, we'd have we'd have matching his in her you know, walking sticks and you know, the whole piece so I think this is just this fairy tale idea what I thought, you know, life was going to be come and when that didn't transpire, it was really a pivotable pivotal area in my life because I went to a really deep depression for about two plus years, I didn't hardly see my kids, I felt so ashamed over what had happened. We ended up by claiming bankruptcy, I lost everything, not just my family and my and my kids, but I lost myself and it's it's when during about a year into that, that I met my my current wife, and she was just there as a support person. There wasn't anything physical at the time it was just there as a support person and it took a few years for for things to take off and And so fast forward we're you know, really over that 20 year span I was just a self help not I read everything I bought anything I could get my hands on that had to do with self help. But what I found is that while intellectually I understood what to do, as a as a end practitioner, I wasn't Very good at it. And so my life as you talked about there being so successful with, you know, I felt my career professional career was really successful. I, you know, I'm a chef, I always wanted to be one, you know, I, you know, I, I wanted to I had visions of being like Jack tripper, and you know, having having my own restaurant living with a couple of girls, you know, all of us have lots of fun and when that didn't transpire, but I was able to compete in a Culinary Olympics, and, you know, win some medals, and I really felt like I had the cat by the tail, right? But the challenge is, is that those are superficial things, right? It was all external stuff. It's a war rewards. It's all of this, I just didn't feel fulfilled. And so about six years ago, my, my father in law passed away. No, not quite six years. Yeah, about six years ago, he passed away now. And he would, I would say that he was like, my best friend, we did everything together, he had two daughters. And, and he just never had that son and I was at Sun and you know, we'd go he's a big Yankees fan. So we'd go to Minneapolis, I live in Canada, you know, about eight hours away from from Minneapolis. So whenever the Yankees are coming in coming to town, you know, we'd make the road trip for the weekend. And, you know, we'd go watch the Yankees play and, and so when he passed, I really felt there was this void again. And I did I had this loss of direction. And, and when that occurred, I found that there was just wasn't anywhere for, for me as a guy to go, like, I was dealing with grief, I felt that I still hadn't really processed and dealt with my first marriage breakup. And along that, in that piece, as I was trying to recover, I just about lost my current marriage, because I wasn't dealing well with, with what was going on with us as a couple. And so when I found that there was nowhere for men to go, because let's face it, whereas guys, we're, we're challenged, right, we don't always want to open up and share, they it's just really difficult. And especially if you're in a room of mixed company, and I mean by that is there's men and women in the room, and it's tough enough to share with your best buddy, let alone a bunch of strangers. And so, when that didn't exist, I felt that there was a void and, and I needed to do something I needed to do this work. And I think there's a there's a saying that says, you know, we we teach her we do the work that we need that we need for us first, ourselves first. And so that's why I wanted to create the awakened man. And it really is, from a personal level, I've seen such a transformation in in my marriage with my wife and I and, you know, Kimmy is she's just such a huge supporter now and has always been a big supporter, I should say, now, has always been a big supporter. But even more so now. Because I she sees a transformation, I'm more I was considered I went from being the doormat in our relationship, where I just felt that because of my what happened in my first marriage, that if I didn't, if I would try to fight, but not very hard for fear of, I don't want to be alone again and lose everything. And I had to learn and go through that process to understand that it's okay to speak up to learn how to communicate and be and still be present and powerful. And hold and hold space for her so that she can have that as well as think that because of because of her strength that allowed me to really rise to give the, to get my strength to where it needs to be.

Mike Forrester 8:30

Yeah, it's one that I've experienced it as well, where when I healed I created space for my wife to then grow. And it's, it's really interesting, the way that, you know, our healing, both as husbands as fathers, you know, at the, at the core is men will create a space for our wife, our children, you know, family and friends around us to really expand, you know, like, like, in a way that I never anticipated. I know that you had touched upon that you were you know, consuming self health, help self help books and resources, but not really implementing them successfully. What did you see that change from where you were initially using them and, and not creating that traction? to Now you know, where it's, there's the success with the reading and then bringing it about into your life? What's the difference? What change there?

Alain Dumonceaux 9:39

Yeah, great question. Mike. i The big change is that while I still consume, you know, countless amount of material today, I put it into an action plan. So if I'm going to read a book, if I'm going to read a book, or I'm gonna take a program, the commitment I make to myself today is I want to implement at least one strategy that I'm getting from the As into my daily life and how to and how does that look and, and, and so I started to do that I started to incorporate some things. So just for example, one of the things I found that was really troublesome is that I really when somebody would ask, you know, you know, why are you doing this? Like, why, you know, why do you do all this work? And, and I had a hard time answering why my why. And when that cat when, when I couldn't answer it, that's when I realized that, how much in our lives? Do we just do things up from rote? You know, or were a bit like the zombie. And so one of the things that, that I worked on was really working on, on what my purpose is in life, and what is my intent. And so, pretty consistent with it, I won't say that I'm perfect. And I do it every day. But as best as I can, in part of my morning routine now and other things that that had developed from doing some listening to some stuff with, you know, the five at 5am Club with Robin Sharma is having some sort of a morning ritual that will include some meditation, a little bit of exercise, and setting an intention for what I want to what I'm wanting to accomplish. And then as soon as I started making those small shifts, right, then I could know I could see difference, but so could so could my wife and so could people who are close enough to me to can see things, I think that's the big difference. It wasn't just like, well, I plowed through this book, you know, and now it's time to, I would say that I'm that I'm a fairly slow reader. So I was just happy that I got through the book. Right, right on another one I nailed down. But I wasn't taking anything from it, I wasn't making notes, I didn't, you know, build, you know, a little book reports for myself. And so that was, I would say it was probably the most profound change is that if I'm going to read something, and reading now, with intent, I'm going to take a course and take it with intent, may not apply everything in it, but I want to apply something that really resonates with me and take that make that note. And that's really how I started to when I noticed that it, uh, well, you know, what I'm doing this at today. Now, I don't have a morning routine, you know, I, I set up a weekly schedule, I have intent on what I'm trying to get done in the week. And one of the things that I, I still struggle with a little bit as being more consistent with journaling, but I introduced some journaling as well. So just anything to help challenge and push that growth mindset, because I think for me, falling backwards, and, and, and not, you know, I'm 57 Now I'm going okay, it's time to at this stage in my life, you know, what, how can I give back? And how can I make a more more impact not just for for others, but for myself? And? And for for my family?

Yeah. And I think the amazing thing is, being at this stage of life, do you feel more alive and more energized, connected focus than you did? Say, in your 30s? Or 40s? Is that something that you're seeing as well?

Yeah, 100%, I would, and I think the reason for that is that because there is a doubt a depth of purpose in there was before it was about, you know, that, really diving into that masculine energy of you know, Do do do, you know, get things done, go, go go, and I'm a type personality as well. So like, just just get stuff done. But there was no depth to it, it was just, it was just going hard. And when I now as as, as I'm a little bit older, I want to do things with purpose and intent. And if I'm going to do something, then then I want to, you know, come from it from that perspective. And so it's more sustaining experience today than more fulfilling than it was in my 20s. And my 30s Like, it was don't get me wrong, it was great. walking across the stage and getting a, you know, I'm getting a couple of silver medals that, you know, there's 1000s and you're gonna remember it, this was in the early 90s. So this wasn't when shopping was cool, right? There was no food TV and all there was no Bobby Flay. Like, none of that stuff existed. So this wasn't necessarily cool to be to be a chef like it is today. So, you know, the while that was a, that was a goal to achieve, but it wasn't, it didn't provide depth and meaning and, and so I use it yes, in my bio, and that because it's it's a unique thing, like not too many guys hear that? A that even exists, right, like we've talked about in our podcast, so, but I did learn a lot from it. It's just that today the the depth of when I do something is it has to have meaning and purpose before I'm willing to come in.

Now, how did you how did you get to setting the goal to be a culinary Olympian? I mean, like you said, it wasn't the popular thing. How did that come about for you to to set on that path?

Well, you know, I always enjoyed cooking and so you know, in my early No, as a young guy, my mom was a great cook, you know, and I Enjoy, you know, playing around in the kitchen with her and when I went so obviously that I don't know. I don't know maybe you remember these guys but there used to be Graham Kerr remember him the galloping gourmet? Remember that TV show? Okay, so they used to be out in the US. So here's a history lesson for folks can go Google this when we're done. But it used to be a cooking show in the afternoon it was the Gallic called the galloping gourmet, his name is Graham Kerr, and he would cook all these classic French dishes. And just like, you know, Chateau breonna, like all the like classic, classic stuff, and I'd come home from school, and I'd watch that I love that it's so cool. You know, when he would finish the show, and he'd sit down, he always had a guest in the audience. And they always have a beautiful looking dinner, and a glass of wine. And then in Canada here, there was a an actor. His name is Bruno druzy. And he was on a TV show, he had his culinary show, so there'd be galloping gourmet. And then right after that, this, this other one would come would come on, I can't remember the name of it today. But Bruno's glass of wine was even bigger, right? It was just like this, this looks like so much fun. They're spending time in the kitchen. And I just wanted to do that. So when I got into culinary school, my focus with my chef instructor was I wanted to be in a kitchen, where guys at the time, lots of guys passionate about food, passionate about, you know, teaching and working with with young culinary arts. And so he found me a job with just that individual who ended up by truly being my, my mentor. And he was just getting started in his career with the with our, with the Manitoba culinary teams, where I'm from, and competing. And it just so happened in our short, small, little province, the preeminent master chef in Canada at the time, also worked out here, and he was on Team Canada. So I got immersed into this environment of like these passionate professional guys, and it was just the experience, I haven't goosebumps talking about it today, because it's been so long, since I've told this story, but it was just so passionate. And I think that's part of also what motivates us as folks is that when you get into that passion piece of you know, what really drives you, like, it can carry you for a long time. And it did it carried me for almost 20 years of my career. And so, you know, going to travel to Germany, because the Olympics that are in Frankfurt, and, and meeting all of these chefs from around the world and in seeing them and they were really the catalyst like the the professional teams, we were regional, the professional teams had what you see today, like Iron Chef, they would have those competitions life, right, and guys are voting on it, folks are voting on it. And it just gave me such juice to go and really hone my skills as a, as a as a culinary and but also in learning how to set yourself up in life and how to do things. So I think I got the hard alcohol and the hard skills from that career. And at the time was pretty a pretty brutal career. This was the guys there, Gordon Ramsay, that was pretty much what my career was like, growing up with chefs, you know, yelling at you, and throwing frying pans or whatever, it's just the way it was back then. But you knew how to navigate, no, I knew how to navigate. And I just really felt that the it was a great career. So that's how I fell into it. It was It started as a young passion. And then I just got really lucky. And I think anyone who's looking for a career, depending on the age of your audience here today, you know, if you find that advocate, that person that's going to stand behind you and encourage you to do things willing to spend time to teach you how to do things that, you know, that's the universe saying that you're on the path to something here. And maybe it doesn't end up being a 20 year career, maybe it's a two year experience. But I highly encouraged to go into that experience, because you're going to learn so much more than what that thing is you're going to learn so much about yourself, you're gonna learn about life skills, it's just, it's just such a great experience.

Now, one thing, I know, I hear a lot, and you may have as well is you gotta set goals. Goals are the big, like game changer in life. But you were sharing earlier, you set this goal, you achieve the goal, but yet there was an emptiness inside. What is it that we're not being told that? You know, hey, goals are the way to go? Yes, they are important. But what's the missing component that was like missing from from that time in your life? And that you feel is is kind of not as talked about as it should be?

Yeah, that's a great, great, great question there, Mike. I think the difference in the pivot that happened for me was that while it's great to have goals, what we tend to focus on is that what that result will be so let's go back to the experience the example of the column Marian Wright and then competing. So I achieved that experience. But what I didn't add into that into that goal achievement process was, how did I, how am I going to transform? What happens to Alan, when he gets there, because the challenge is, is that when we think of goals, we think of it as a, as a to do list, we're gonna do this, we're going to do this, we're going to do this, and then we have accomplished that, but along the way, we haven't factored into the transformation that will occur. And so one of the things that that I teach when I work with men is the question I have them ask themselves when they're setting goals is that when you're done, I want you to be able to, you should be able to complete the sentence, that upon achieving this goal, I am the kind of man who, what does that say after that? And it's not about I'm the kind of man who wins a medal at the Culinary Olympics, I'm the kind of man who, you know, has transformed his passion into purpose who has who find who has found out that that he can put that he can do more with his skills that he thought he had that I have belief, a higher level of belief of who I am. And I think it's that piece of it, you need to spend time with really, what is it that in the end, I've accomplished this? And so some visualization to visioning peace process. And I also encourage guys to do is to really holistically look at what's the transformation that this achieving this goal is going to accomplish for me, and if and if you're struggling with it, maybe it's not wrong to squat for the goal. There may be something different that you're needing to look at. And so sometimes i i look at what is the transformation that I'm looking to have for myself. And if I start from that position first, then go all set. The goals are much more powerful, they're much deeper, but we tend to write down our goals first, right? I'm going to make my you know, the old Jack Canfield idea that Mark Victor Hansen, write your 100 goals, write your, your bucket list and make your bucket list. But if there's no meaning and purpose behind it, then it's just a it's just a checkoff list. And so you're not truly growing as an individual. So you can complete the sentence, I'm the kind of man who, whatever that asks, as you say, after that about yourself, those goals will now have more direction, more purposeful direction behind them.

Yeah, it, it's one of it. It also, I think, gives you that why. And yeah, and if we haven't yet tapped into our purpose, can give us insight into, you know, what's my purpose? Why am I doing this? And how is this going to, you know, like, you talked about bring about that transformation. Because otherwise, it's like, Hey, I achieved the, the, you know, I succeeded at the Olympics, and I have these medals, and what it's like a hanging sentence, and you just haven't written it all out. So, you talked about being around all these chefs, and it being a male, you know, environment. Did that kind of fill the void for you, as well. I know, like, I've had those instances where I was filling, like my environment with men who could give that validation, like I was kind of lacking. Was that part of that equation? Or was it was there something different for you in in being in a male environment?

Yeah, I think for me, it was a little bit different. I the environment, what it really filled with me is the these guys were, you know, most of them, I would say were five to 10 years older than I am. And I'm the oldest in my family. And I found that growing up, I was generally the old all my friends were much younger, were Boothby. Younger, like we'd be the same age, but they're not the oldest, right? And so they always had Big Brothers, Big Sisters. And so I never really had that. And my dad had to work so hard. We were grew up pretty poor. And so my dad had to work lots. And these guys hanging around there was kind of like a mix of big brother and father figures for me, in no one so they were there to help and mentor and but they were also there to kick you in the butt. If you know when when you weren't paying attention or, you know, we'd be each given a task. You know, our fundraising. Obviously, we're chefs. So guess what we did? We hosted dinners, and they were all you know, eight 910 11 course dinners and so you'd have a particular task to perform for that. That meal and you could be gay, you're looking to look after the after the vegetables for the main entree, and of course he just didn't put a plunk of broccoli spear on it. We were doing carvings and special things right and so you would get judged They're literally judged on the quality of that workmanship. And so, you know, that's where again, you had you lead, you know, I had I was in an environment where I really really was challenged to rise up and could I, I had lots of low self esteem and in, in, in, in my career and you know, and even in growing growing up as a as a man and so I found that there were many days, you know, when the team would get together, like I was scared, like, for me, that was like the scariest thing because I'm just, you know, I was I like hockey. I don't know if you'd like hockey or your listenership knows hockey, right? I kind of felt like, um, that third and fourth line grinder. My mentor, like he was great Wayne Gretzky, you know, just by accident and fluky make this beautiful show pieces beautiful food were artwork, and I'm like, Man, I know that take me like three weeks to come up with that and hone it and get it right. And but I felt like I was in such privileged company that I could, that I was learning so much. So they were more of, for me, it was more of that mentor group to help me grow as an individual. And so I think that that was more of the experience for me. Gotcha.

And so when you had received, like, the silver medals, I mean, that's huge. You know, I'm just sitting back going, Wow, I can't even imagine what you had to do to accomplish that, or, or what kind of pride that would give. You talked about, you know, like the low self low self confidence. Yeah. I know that, that. It's kind of one of those will believe that, hey, if I achieve this, it's going to solve and eradicate the problem that I have, with my low self confidence. Was that what happened? Or was that something you still had to work through afterwards? Or what did that look like? After you? You were awarded with the silver medals?

Yeah, you know why, for a short period of time, and I would suggest probably two years that that really did elevate my my self confidence, the self worth the self talk, all that piece did elevate because it asked quite honestly, it opened doors in my career for me, you know, having that on a resume, I was able to get some positions that other folks weren't able to get. But I found out found as time went on the top became fleeting, you know, in the end, you're still stuck with yourself. And so how many more color competitions do I need to enter before Alan is going to feel good about himself? How many other other opportunities do I need to go and prove myself to myself? About what what I'm what I define my as who I am. And so I found that that became, again became fleeting, because the focus, why accomplish what I wanted to and I learned so much about it. I still left there feeling like that grinder and not as the, as the as looking at it as being as as important and pivotable pivotal place in my life. Because I like I said earlier, I don't I now today when I think about a girl and I'm, you know, I'm looking at you and I'm looking up to the left a little bit here. You're right. And I've have a big you know, big screen here have a picture of all my my two medals and all that work, that part of my life was so important to me. And now I look at it with with more reverence, because it is it was important. And it's the story I was telling myself the story I continue to tell myself at times about I'm not good enough for this, isn't it? No, it's not important enough. Sure, it's important enough, why why wouldn't it be? And so I can tell myself the negative story or I can tell myself a story that's much more truer to heart that there are very few people, maybe a few 1000 that have something like this, that they can go back on in the entire world, in a world of 2 billion or whatever, we are billion people there. It's it's very small group of individuals. And so I think once we once I started to change the perspective of where I was coming from, then that helps shift about self worth it part of it, know the type of story I tell myself, and then that helps, you know, does move into other aspects of our life if if we allow ourselves to see that connection, and I think as guys aren't we were just really compartmentalizing, right normally, like, I gotta keep this part of my life here, and I gotta keep this part here. Well, they all bleed into each other at some way, shape or form. And so how can I take that, that good stuff and bring it across in other aspects, right?

Yeah. Who we are is like who we show up as within our personal and our professional lives. It's not. It's not, hey, I'm really great over here, you may feel more confident at work, you know, that's like where that workaholic aspect goes. But as far as man, there's still that insecurity that follows you. How did you, you know, your two years down the road from winning the silver medals? How did you then begin doing that inner work to start removing those voices that are dogging you that are going yeah, you know, you've got to win this next metal, you don't amount I mean, those, those voices and messages that we as guys fight with, that's, you know, just pushing that insecurity button. How did you? How did you dig in and start quieting those voices?

Yeah, great question. You know, and that timing is right in around when my marriage, my first marriage, broke and broke apart, because there was such a focus on my career and aspect that I stopped paying attention to my personal life. And, you know, it's, you know, we're having a great conversation here about how personal and professional need to integrate and come become more full aspects of who we are. And so that really, I can tell you, you know, this was in the early 90s, you know, mid 90s on this, when it all started to happen. And I got myself a set of Jack Canfield. Self esteem and peak performance. cassettes, remember the old cassette deck, right? And it was three tracks, right, right, after eight tracks, buddy X, absolutely, you know, the song would go on to the next track halfway through, anyways, and we people that are looking that up, what are these guys talking about? And anyways, I wore that that series out. Because what Jack was really trying to get across is that it was it's about how we perceive ourselves. And it's the end, it's the story that we tell ourselves in the, in the, the willingness to put ourselves out there. And even though I did that, kind of in my culinary career, I always felt protected. And so I always liked the story he told in that series about asking people at the break, he had one individual in there that was, you know, really worried about being embarrassed, right. And I could totally resonate with that. And so he asked this individual to, at the break, what I want you to do is I want you to go to the nearest 711 go in and ask them where's the nearest 711? And so, and so the individual did this. And they came back, and he talked about so what was your experience? With that? said, Well, I kind of felt a little bit embarrassed. But the transformation this individual had was that it's an obvious, of course, I'm standing at 711. But why am I feeling embarrassed that I'm that I'm asking that question. And so what he was trying to get this individual understand is that it's the story that we tell ourselves, and guess what, you came back, you're still whole, you're still a complete person, nothing really changed about about you, except your perception about who you see yourself as. And when I hit when I heard that story of just like, yeah, like, I'm so afraid, or we can be so afraid to, to put ourselves out there and risk. And I think as guys, we've learned that at a very young age. We've learned it from being told no, you can't do anything, do certain things. And then we get told that in our in our as we're dating and we're in an our marriage has already happened. Do we have to hear do we hear no, honey, you can't do this. And, and so we get this idea that we're less than because we have all this rejection? And really, it's just a matter of not right now. And how can we reframe what's happening for us? And how can we change our perspective on things? And so that was really that inner work was, and I continually do that, even to this day is just talking with you on the podcast how to, you know, stopping the comparison about law boy, Mike's podcast is getting more downloads and my podcast? Well, that's okay. Mike's at a different place. And Mike's doing different work, and in the perspective is, is that I'm coming in to do the work that I'm being called to do. And it's not about downloads, it's not about all the stuff that we make up we think is important. You know, it's about what it feels like, in here for us. And when we're on the right path, then things show up for us, right.

I think what you're saying there is so true because it's like we can look at other people and how well other men that are taking out their wives to dinner to vacations and go I'm not at that level of success because like Alan has this house and Alan is going to this amazing French restaurant with his wife and we pile on those false stories, the narratives that just fuel and really reinforce those beliefs, those limited beliefs that we have. I mean it from what I've seen, and I'm assuming from what you've seen, it's it's crippling to people. That's what I know I experienced has that been like what you've seen as well?

100% I think it's the it's the one piece when we have that limiting belief about when we start to describe ourselves, and put ourselves in a box, where we feel that we are not, we can't go outside of that, because we're fearful of what exists past that, that we create this, this limiting belief. And again, that's why I challenge I challenge individuals and myself as well, when I'm feeling fearful. And I put myself into a box. What is it that I'm afraid of? And it could be lots of different things. But really, who is it that I want to become? Who is it that I'm aspiring to become how, how am I wanting to show up? And am I showing up that way? And it doesn't, you know, let's face it, I am when I talk to folks about life purpose. And yeah, you can write the really big one, whatever that big purpose is on when I talk about purpose, I mean, with purposeful intent, what is it that I'm wanting to show up in? Today, tomorrow, two years from now, I'm the kind of man who does what it takes time to build new habits, build that individual, it took 50 plus years to get to where I am today, with all the habits good and bad that I have the ones that need adjusting, and the other ones that are working fine. So it's going to take time. And it's about being kind enough to ourselves to allow that growth. And if you're in a relationship where you have a supportive spouse and supportive family, it's being able to have those, those deeper conversations about them to tell them, talk to them about your needs, wants and desires and what it is that you're trying to get. You're trying to accomplish for the family. And I think you'll find that when you start to have those, at least I have in my marriage is the moment that we started having those conversations, things shifted, right, it was no longer, you know, parent child relationships. I think for a lot of guys, we get stuck in that in our relationships, just I think naturally how we're brought up, in my opinion. But I think that when we change that, and have a different kind of conversation, a deeper one, then, you know, we're showing up much differently for for ourselves and for our family. And then the support changes because it comes from a different perspective. It's not about seeking approval anymore. It's about seeking collaboration. It's about growing and expansion, as opposed to being getting a yes or no answer.

So in changing your, like lack of confidence to now being confident, what are like a couple of things that made that trip, you know, that that transformation that change? From how you see yourself? What are a couple of things that that brought that about for you that you would be like, you know, they might, you know, if you're in this place, I would I would encourage you to jump into this, so that I can write about that same transformation, what would you lean upon for those?

Yeah, I, I wouldn't if I was in that position. And I'm there's still opportunities, you know, I think we all are different aspects arise that were in that position. But the first thing I would do is really look at the story that I'm telling myself about this situation. And so the moment that I started doing that analysis, the analysis Well, why am I asking? Why am I telling me this story. And it's a it's a, it's a root cause analysis really is what we do. So they do that and root cause analysis and in project management, right? And so similarly in our personal life, when we can dive in and get into down to the five whys of going deeper into what's going on, so why am I saying that? That I'm not a very good podcast host? Well, because I don't have enough repetitions. And so why is it important for me to have, you know, what can I do to do a bit more repetitions? Well, I can host more I can talk more, you know, you start to dive into your piece, but ultimately are going to come down to is the final piece is really what it means about who you are. And when you get to that final place, I can then you can ask is this true? Is this a statement that's true about who I am? And I guarantee you it's going to be most likely not. Because we've told ourselves this, we have this limiting belief and we need to, you know, dig it out. Right? You got to excavate that that limiting beliefs to get down to the truth is that once I recognize that, that I am powerful, and that I don't need to convert compare myself to anybody or anything else other than how am i How was I yesterday? where I am today? In what do I aspire to get to become tomorrow, and we stay within that framework. It's amazing how much life around us changes. You know, like, people just notice that you're that you're a different individual, because I've focused on it. So if you're going to do anything, I would suggest that bit of a root cause analysis and going through and going through that, those why questions, and why is it important? Why is this important to me? And if this is true, and what is true about that, about this statement, because I think you're gonna find that most of those statements are going to be untrue, or they're going to have a grain of truth. And what we've done is turn that grain into this massive boulder a mountain. And the truth behind that is that it is that's exactly what we've done.

Yeah, we build a story out of one point, and it's like, you know, if I was cooking alongside of you for dinner, it'd be like, how come my broccoli didn't come out? Like Alan's broccoli? Or, like, the truth is, it's like, is that the direction we're going? And, and, okay, what can we learn rather than what can we compare against somebody else, I think is a lot more powerful. Yeah, you know, and you saw that in the people that were instructing you, you know, you're seeing them and looking over like, oh, my gosh, you did what with this? And that would take me days, like, what you were talking about? It's it's one okay, what can I learn from this instead of? What can I use to be more critical of myself?

Yeah, and, and, you know, the big thing there is be willing to ask questions. And I think, again, because we're so we've been so ingrained to be, you know, for read, have a rejection. And we don't want to look foolish, but the challenge really is, is that because we don't ask those questions, we don't ask, Well, how did you do that? And you know, what, you know, what was that process? Then you then we stay stuck. Because I think the pain of change sometimes is, is too is too big, we see that as being this monstrous thing that I can't overcome. When really, you know, as an alum, or I'm a little bit older, it's the chain, it's the pain of regret that's more lingering for me, I want to ask that question. I want to get better at that when I'm doing whatever it is that I'm doing. And so I hope that the day ever comes that we're cooking side by side that we're asking lots of questions, we're having great conversation in both our broccolis will be perfect.

Well, you know, if I'm doing anything, it's gonna be out on the grill.

Right on, buddy.

That's my, that's my therapy. And, and, you know, play spaces is smoking, food and barbecue. So nice. But I mean, the cool thing is that, that's another example of like, how you can come alongside of somebody and compliment instead of that comparison, so? Yeah, and, and I think when we build community, I don't know if, you know, maybe, let me know if this is the way you've done it as well, is, it's like, looking for different mentors that are gifted in other like, in in different areas, right, I'm not looking for, for men, who are, you know, the finance and health and auto mechanic or, you know, whatever, I'm looking for different men, that can be like, Hey, you want a great relationship with your wife? This is where you can improve, like, you know, hey, here's the way Mike, that you can touch upon your finances to improve the legacy that you're leaving financially for, you know, your wife and your children. So, is that kind of the way you do it as well? Or how do you how are you looking for mentors?

Yeah, that is, you know, you've just hit the nail on the head. And that's exactly it. I think the key is that we need, we need multiple mentors. And each mentor doesn't necessarily need to be a life mentor in terms of, they're with you for the rest of your life. Like, today. It's been all 92 What is it 2030 years now, I still have refer to, you know, my chef as a as a mentor. But we don't talk as much as we used to, like rarely anymore, because we've moved on, and there's other pieces in life. But today, I have different mentors for the things that are important for me today, the ones that can support me for what I'm what I'm trying to accomplish with who I am today. But the nice thing is that once you've built built those relationships with these mentors, so you can they're always somebody you can go back to. And so I highly encourage people to make sure that they stay in touch with their mentors because they've some will be with us for a short time. There's going to be for a long time but never lose touch with those individuals. And you know, and yeah, I do men's work. But to me a mentor can be anybody in other law lots I have lots of respect for for the women that have come in my life and taught me just as much if not more in different aspects of my life because I needed that perspective. I needed a different show. Yes, right? I wouldn't necessarily go to my chef mentor about relationship questions. Right? That's just wouldn't wasn't why I would go to him. So I think it's important to have these people and create, like you said, creating a community and creating that, that Pete, that that environment where you have those different aspects that can come in, because guess what, if you're having created that community, there's probably somebody in that community that needs that help as well. And you've just connected the dots for them. Be as simple as that. Right?

Yeah. And I think the thing to realize is that, as much as we may be struggling with our identity, that we're bringing something to the table as well, that there's a life experience that we bring just, you know, it's we're more critical of ourselves, and the whole equation. And, yeah, there's going to be people that are looking to us to be mentors as well. So

100% For sure. Yeah.

Well, Alan, Ben, thank you, my friend for joining me and sharing like your insights, your journey, just where you're at and what's going on. How can people reach out to you outside of the podcast here?

Absolutely, they can reach out the best way to get ahold of me is go to the www.theawakenedman.net That's the website, that's where you're gonna find everything we've got. We have the group mentoring program there with the band of brothers as well, you'll find information on the hero's quest, which is a one on one mentoring program to if you want to really dive deep into into your work. And so yeah, that'd be the best place to reach out for me and just want to say thank you so much, Mike, for having me on the podcast was a great conversation today.

It's my pleasure, my friend. And it's it's just one it's like every time we jump together and talking and going deep and encouraging each other so I appreciate it, my friend. Thank you so so much.

You betcha. God bless