Travel back in time to January 21, 2015 as I release another vintage episode from the ScreamQueenz Vaults.

This time I'm unearthing a classic holiday-themed segment from Episode 129 on the 1987 British weirdfest BLOODY NEW YEAR.

A day of sailing turns into a never-ending nightmare for a group of shipwrecked teens who find themself trapped at a haunted island hotel that seems to be stuck in time at midnight on New Year's Eve, 1959.

The video box promised "The Shining Meets Evil Dead".

They lied.

I was a lot meaner in 2015 than I am now, so this episode is gonna get ugly.

My special guest is infamous filmmaker/podcaster BRYAN WOLFORD. Be sure to check him out on the MIDNIGHT DRIVE IN.

BLOODY NEW YEAR is currently streaming for free on YouTube.

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp

Patrick: 00:00:00

My name's Patrick and I'm a scream queen. I'm a scream queen and so are you. Hello again, my beautiful screamers, and happy New Year. Welcome to another episode of ScreamQueenz, Resurrection.

That's the show where I resurrect a classic episode of ScreamQueenz, the podcast where I guess gay from the dead, release it from the vault and unleash it upon the world to wreak horror and mayhem once again.

,: 2015

And that's why I invited Bryan Wolfordord, formerly of Drunken Zombie. I don't know what he's doing now. I should probably look that up before I put this episode out.

e is Patrick WALSH, and since: 2010

Except I made you see them through my very, very gay little eyes. And every now and then, I resurrect from the Dead to unleash it upon you again.

And while that time is coming and coming soon, in order to tide you over, I'm rereleasing old episodes that haven't seen the light of day in over years. They were taken out of public distribution quite a while ago and they've been lurking and rotting in the crypt until tonight. And you know what?

Sometimes these movies stink like most corpses do. It. Oh boy, does this movie stink.

But I know that always makes people want to watch a movie more when I tell you how awful it is and that you should never, never watch it. So if you really want to watch it, the link is down there in the show notes. It's on YouTube.

But don't come crying to me when it's awful because I told you 10 years ago, 11 years ago now, and I'm telling you again now, it hasn't gotten any better over time, but it's down there if you want it. Anyway, I hope your holiday season has been great. I hope you're surviving your families in this weird, tumultuous time that we're living in.

And I want to give you a quick update of what's going on with the public launch of Damian Wonka Lewis. Now, I had it set for the second Week of January. I had it set back in November. And you know what had I done?

A little Google, which I normally did like from the first time I conceived of Damianka Lewis. Since it's About Friday the 13th, the series, I wanted to release an episode every month on the 13th.

And my whole gimmick was, well, hey, every month is the 13th and why wait till Friday? In my head, I thought it would be cute.

here was going to be one till: 2027

Give yourself another month. I think it's worth it to wait another month just to say that I unleashed my Friday the 13th the series podcast on Friday the 13th.

That would just make Daddy happy. So that's what Daddy's doing. So cancel any of those plans and just get ready for this Friday 13th to be extra special because they really, really.

We're launching then. And not only are we launching, going to be giving out three episodes to start with. The first three episodes will be up there for you to catch up on.

Get in the groove, boy. You got to prove your love to me. And when I'm quoting Madonna, that means it's time to start the show. So everybody, have a fabulous New Year.

I'll see you on the flip side. And enjoy Bloody New Year if you can with Bryan Wolfordord, who he definitely will enjoy. He's a cuddly fucker.

I love him even though I make fun of him all the time. Enjoy the show. So I was looking for a certain kind of. Well, I was looking for a holiday themed movie. Cause you know, it's the holiday season.

But I was looking for something for New Year, says everybody. We already did Christmas, it's passed. And I said, well, we kind of did with this New Year's evil. And I can't really think of anything else.

And on Twitter, I got a suggestion from a brand new listener from Justine who is in Bristol in the uk and she had a suggestion of a movie that I have heard of but have never had the opportunity to see.

So I explained to her, I said, justine, you do realize that when a listener recommends a movie to me and I watch it, that there will be consequences because if I like it, you will be showered with praise and adoration. But if, if, if I don't like it. Justine, you are going to have to go up against the wall and face the firing s. So that's what's happening right now.

And now I have another interesting dilemma. Because for the past two years, the first podcast of the new year, I have always had the same guests, and I figured, let's keep a good thing going.

So it is my delight to introduce to you once again co host of the Drunken Zombie podcast, short filmmaker extraordinaire, the one, the only, the really kind of oddly shaped, but still kind of sexy Mr. Bryan Wolford.

Bryan: 00:05:50

Is oddly shaped like a fetish of some sort.

Patrick: 00:05:53

No, I'm just saying, like, well, you know, you're not like your usual type of shape person. You, you're, you're. You're.

Bryan: 00:05:58

I'm a big fatty. Just say it.

Patrick: 00:05:59

No, it's not what I'm saying. Like, remember, like, you had kind of. I remember there was those dolls you could have.

When you squeeze them and the eyes pop out, you're like, you look moldable, like you can move. It's like, move the fat around. A different. You're, you're, You're. You're like gumby, show us on the.

Bryan: 00:06:12

Doll where he touched you.

Patrick: 00:06:13

You're like gumpy, but with a penis. Allegedly.

Bryan: 00:06:18

So I think you just invite me on every first podcast. You're always just like, well, it's been a trend.

Patrick: 00:06:23

It's been a trend. And we've done so well the past two years. We both liked New Year's.

Bryan: 00:06:28

Evil.

Patrick: 00:06:29

Yeah, we were kind of split on the boogens, but after talking about it, it was a really fun time.

Bryan: 00:06:35

I think you're just like, I'm gonna have somebody sophisticated and intelligent on somebody who's really good looking.

Patrick: 00:06:42

A breath of fresh air.

Bryan: 00:06:44

Exactly. You start the new year off right, and then it just goes completely downhill.

Patrick: 00:06:47

You know, tuxedos, champagne, and by the end of it, it's, you know, imitation crack and, you know, I don't know, broken flesh crack. Yeah, you know, the fake crack. You know, the stuff they cut the crack with and then you get it, you smoke it. You're like, that was all baby laxative.

Bryan: 00:07:08

How dare you. But I'm still kind of high.

Patrick: 00:07:10

Not that I've. Not that I've not. I have to go to the bathroom. Not that I've ever had an experience with that.

But that's what I learned from watching reality television.

Bryan: 00:07:18

Yeah, that's what I learned from watching, like, old 80s horror movies take place in New York. It's the one thing I miss. Is the grimy New York.

Patrick: 00:07:27

Oh, honey, honey. Taylor Swift is our queen now. She's the official ambassador to New York.

Bryan: 00:07:34

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:07:35

What the fuck? I'm like, you live in a 3 million dollar penthouse suite. I'm sorry.

Until you've gotten diarrhea on the subway after eating, like, one of those, you know, piss water dogs from a street vendor, you are not a New Yorker. That is, like, the first step. And I'm telling you, you have not had any of them steps.

Bryan: 00:07:53

Yeah, so get to stepping, bitch.

Patrick: 00:07:55

That's right. Get to step. And get to pooping on this L train. There you go.

It's got to be the L train, because if you come to New York, you got to go to Williamsburg, because that's where the weirdos are. Okay? You got to ride a train. That's scary. Not the 7 train. Not the 1 train. Not the ones that go through. No, no, no, no, no, no.

The ones that make you feel creepy after dark. The ones that when you see an empty car, you're like, oh, boy, I have an empty car.

But then you realize when you get in, there's a reason it's an empty car, because clearly somebody died in there. And. Or, like, the homeless smell still lingers or something like that. Something. And then you get. Then there's the fun game. One of my favorite.

One of my favorite games on the subway. A game show that just happens spontaneously.

You never know when it's gonna happen when you sit down, and then all of a sudden, the thought runs through your head and it's the name of the show. What the fuck did I just sit in? Because you realize your subway seat is wet. Could be rain, could be somebody's coffee.

Could be after birth, who knows?

Bryan: 00:08:54

Is this a spin off of why is my hand so sticky?

Patrick: 00:08:57

Yes, exactly. What did I just set in? Yeah, but the thing is, nobody wins. Nobody wins.

Bryan: 00:09:06

Everybody's a loser.

Patrick: 00:09:08

Everybody's a loser. But, you know, we haven't even mentioned what movie we're talking about. We're talking about a movie that actually. I don't know what year it came out.

It's in the mid-80s somewhere, and it's out of jolly old England, Right, mate?

So it must be classy, right, because they all wore tweed and they drank tea with their pinkies up, and it's called bloody New Year, hence tying in with the holiday, which is, granted, over, but it's still a new year, right?

Bryan: 00:09:31

Mm.

Patrick: 00:09:31

Of course. So before we go any further, Bryan, let's take a listen to the trailer.

Movie Trailer: 00:09:41

It started as A day out, a trip that held the promise of fun and pleasure. But for Rick and his friends, the fun ended early when they landed on Grand Island. For those who dare face a horrifying and bloody new year.

Attacked by the dead, threatened by evil, chased by the unknown, terrorized by monsters.

Patrick: 00:10:35

Sonic D. We can't need you.

Bryan: 00:10:40

Don't leave.

Movie Trailer: 00:10:41

They cannot escape the fate that awaits them when they become caught in the angry half. Dead or alive, they are locked in time forever. Trapped in the hotel of horror. They can check out anytime. But they can never leave.

What started as a day to remember. In a bloody new year.

Patrick: 00:11:37

Okay, and we're back. Bryan, are you okay? Were you frightened by the trailer?

Bryan: 00:11:41

I'm good. I had to hide my eyes a couple times, but I think I'll be okay.

Patrick: 00:11:45

I have to hide my eyes from you. So amorphic. You're like an amoeba with a beard. Do you have a beard or is that Andy? That's really more Randy.

Bryan: 00:11:59

Rangy. I have a beer but Randy has a beard.

Patrick: 00:12:02

Randy has the beard.

Bryan: 00:12:04

Well that's also true.

Patrick: 00:12:05

Uh huh. He was like Ducks Dynasty.

Bryan: 00:12:09

Fuck those guys.

Patrick: 00:12:10

Fuck that. No thanks. Oh no. Cuz they'd make that. They'd get on a pulpit about it and make an example out of me.

Bryan: 00:12:18

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:12:18

Like this is why homosexual sex is wrong. Because I had it with this guy and I put up a picture like and it wasn't even good. He cried the whole time.

He kept asking me my thoughts in the middle. It was terrible.

Bryan: 00:12:31

I kept trying to trim my beard and do my hair the whole time. Jerks.

Patrick: 00:12:35

You know, you could really use a little bit of conditioner right here around the chin. It's a little scratchy on my taint because you know, I'd have to eat my taint but you know, wow, we are so not even on the topic of this movie.

Bryan Wolfordord, since you're the guest, it is your honor to do like a 3 second description of the plot of.

Bryan: 00:12:52

Bloody New Year from what I can remember.

Patrick: 00:12:57

From the 12 hours since you watched it.

Bryan: 00:12:59

From the 12 hours since I watched it. Some people on a boat get shipwrecked on this weird island.

They find this weird sort of inn or lodge or however they say it over in jolly old England.

Patrick: 00:13:12

I think they call it a lift or maybe crisps. Yes, yes, a crisp lift. Yeah, Crisp lift, sure.

Bryan: 00:13:19

So they find an abandoned crisp lift and they go inside hotel.

Yeah, they go inside to take shelter and some old lady gives one of them a blanket and some other weird shenanigans happen and they decide they have to leave the island via some boat that's floating out in the lagoon or whatever the hell it is.

Patrick: 00:13:41

Okay, wow, Bryan. Okay, sure. That's a summary of the plot that really encountered none of the plot whatsoever.

But that's okay because you don't remember because you were drunk.

Bryan: 00:13:52

I wish.

Patrick: 00:13:53

And you're drunk now. You're getting there. Ol Rasputin, Old Rasputin, the drunken zombie.

Bryan: 00:13:58

Classic Brain Eraser.

Patrick: 00:14:00

Okay, now when the movie was pitched to me, this person, Justine from Bristol, uk, said pretty much exactly what was in the description that was on the video. She might have posted the video on the completely legal site we both watched it on. It was described as the Shining meets the Evil Dead.

And I said, I'm on board. Am I right? Sounds good, right?

Bryan: 00:14:25

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could see the Evil Dead comparison.

Patrick: 00:14:29

And the Shining, because it was a hotel. Was New Year's.

Bryan: 00:14:32

Sure.

Patrick: 00:14:32

Cuz that's the thing. The movie's okay. We're following these five fucking yokels and they're. Okay. Well, it's the first of all. They start off with like.

It takes forever to get anything going because we start off at the beach. And we'll come back to all this because there's so many fabulous details in this beginning. They're at the beach and then they go to what.

What do they call it?

Bryan: 00:14:49

A fun.

Patrick: 00:14:51

A fun fair, which to the rest of us would be an amusement park. And they cause havoc, they cause problems there. And then they go sailing. The boat sinks and they wind up on a shipwrecked on an island.

But you know it's not Gilligan's island because the Harlem Globetrotters weren't there. But if they were, that would have been amazing.

cond at this hotel tell since: 1959

Which I think is the same year that Mary Lou blew up at the prom. And hello, Mary Lou. Prom night two tie in. Maybe. Who knows? Could be the same thing. Any. Anything's possible. Yeah, anything's possible.

Okay, Bryan, since this is the crapshoot section of the program, we're gonna have to pass judgment on this movie.

Bryan: 00:15:44

Crapshoot? I thought this was the firing.

Patrick: 00:15:46

I'm sorry, you're right. I don't even you know what? Don't correct me. I'm the host.

Bryan: 00:15:50

So sorry.

Patrick: 00:15:50

I could have fixed that in post.

Bryan: 00:15:52

So sorry.

Patrick: 00:15:53

And now you made me look like an idiot.

Bryan: 00:15:55

Sorry, Mr. Patrick, you have to take.

Patrick: 00:15:56

Off an article of clothing right now. Not your shoes, please. Or your socks, please. No, just no. No. Oh, I'm never eating Cheetos again anyway. I meant Fritos. I blew my own joke. God damn it.

I can blow myself too. But that's really not the point.

But we're gonna pass judgment a little sooner than normal because I don't think it would be fair to discuss the movie until I get my opinion out. Right, sure. In this case, cuz, you know, it's very hard movie talk about, cuz it's kind of non linear. Doesn't make a lot of sense.

Bryan, what did you think of this movie?

Bryan: 00:16:28

This movie fucking sucked.

Patrick: 00:16:29

It was a God damn abomination. This was terrible.

Bryan: 00:16:36

I spent the first 40 minutes going, what the fuck is going on?

Patrick: 00:16:39

That's what I kept saying. I'm like, why is nobody acting like a normal human being?

Like, if all this weird shit was going on and like the five, six kids were normal, it might have been palatable. But I'm just going, maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe I just don't understand the British team of the mid-80s. Maybe that. But no, it's terrible.

I've been thinking since I posted that. I watched now at this point, the count is up, Bryan. I've had at least six people go, oh yeah, that movie's fucking awesome. I said, have you seen it?

Oh my God, since it was on VHS? And they said, no, but it had a 3D case. And the skeleton's eyes lit up. I'm like, that's what you remember, right? And they're like, yeah.

I'm like, huh, huh. This movie is terrible.

Bryan: 00:17:25

Say, where's this 3D skeleton in the movie?

Patrick: 00:17:28

I don't know, but it was on the. It was on the box. You know, it was one of those things where the. Yeah, no, it doesn't matter. No, you know where the 3D skeleton was?

There was a blow up skeleton. The fucking haunted house ride at the goddamn blow up skeleton in a carnival ride. Really? Really?

Bryan: 00:17:46

When? From all that I can tell, brother, they crossed the British mob somehow as there were people like chasing them through the streets.

Patrick: 00:17:52

Well, you know, you know, they. They cross those carnies. You don't with carnies. Everybody knows that.

Bryan: 00:17:58

You don't mess with carneys.

Patrick: 00:18:00

No. Gross. But you know what? They had Some. Some.

Some severe coordination when they did the thing with their chains all at the same time, I'm like, like, oh, it's west side Story now. I'm on board. But then I wasn't. Okay, so we've got an assortment of British assholes on the beach. And really, they're. They could not. They.

They're all assholes. Like, not like normal assholes. Like, they're dicks. Like, they. Really stupid.

Bryan: 00:18:26

Yeah. If you're around, you would hate all of these.

Patrick: 00:18:28

One is. One cannot be. They're all indistinguishable, even though they're all, like.

They're that kind of group of 80s friends that would never hang out together.

Bryan: 00:18:35

Mm.

Patrick: 00:18:36

You know, there's this type. There's a preppy type, and then there's like the Duran Duran dude who made me want to vomit and this, you know, this kind of girl.

None of these people would ever be hanging out, ever, ever. And they're at the first of all, we open up. We open up with British people at the beach. So I'm like. Like, the white balance on my TV is like.

Bryan: 00:18:56

Lots of crooked teeth.

Patrick: 00:18:57

Lots of crooked teeth, Lots of super white skin. I'm like, oh, ghosts. Oh, no. Okay. No. This is the stars of the movie. Okay, never mind. I thought we're diving right into it.

And then someone says, well, I'm going over to the fun fair. So they go to the fun fair, and within the first five minutes of the movie, Bryan, we had a montage.

Bryan: 00:19:20

Well, yeah, they got to show all the fun they're having.

Patrick: 00:19:22

I know, but normally that happens in the middle of the movie after you've introduced the characters. No, I'm like, this was a total time kill. And to make it all worse, we are tortured throughout this movie with the music of a band called Cry no More.

Bryan: 00:19:54

And I cried a lot.

Patrick: 00:19:56

They beat the. Out of this band. We heard the same three songs over and over and over and over and over. What was really fun when they were in the 50s.

Like, when you're hearing the Ghost from the 50s, it's still. They're still playing new wave 80s music, but in 50s, it was so stupid. Of course not a doo up in there. Everyone's just like, come on, come on.

But you know, they're having fun at the fun fair because that's what you do. No amusement, just fun.

Bryan: 00:20:25

And.

Patrick: 00:20:26

But then something happens. There's problems. There's a single gal from America. Do you remember this part?

Bryan: 00:20:33

No.

Patrick: 00:20:33

She's being harassed, Bryan. She was on the tilt.

Bryan: 00:20:38

Very nice.

Patrick: 00:20:38

She was on the Tilt the World, kind of their version of the spinning teacups. But I guess since they're British, teacups are sacred, so. They're not teacups, they're like, I don't know, sugar bowls, whatever, I don't know.

And these two carny thugs won't stop spinning her cart even though she's screaming and crying. Please stop, please stop, please stop. So our like horrible band of friends come leaping to the rescue.

Bryan: 00:21:01

Hey, don't spin our friend on the teacups like that.

Patrick: 00:21:04

Please spin this single person that we've never met before in our life. Actually, it's the guys. And we like, they're like, oh, new pussy. New American pussy.

Which is clearly better than the snaggletooth slags that went off to see the fortune teller.

Bryan: 00:21:16

Exactly. It's got a Mickey Mouse tattoo in it.

Patrick: 00:21:18

Exactly right? And then what has a Mickey Mouse tattoo in it?

Bryan: 00:21:25

The American pussy.

Patrick: 00:21:27

Oh, see, I haven't seen enough. I didn't know they were tagged that way.

Bryan: 00:21:31

Oh, yeah, that's how you know it's American.

Patrick: 00:21:33

Oh, okay. So I guess I've just been.

I guess you guys gotta be sure you don't get those made in China ones because they might have cyanide in them or something, you know? Hey, it happened to my cat, okay? It happened to my real pussy, okay? So yeah, boo boo on China. Boom.

Bryan: 00:21:50

My cat's trying to rub on the microphone.

Patrick: 00:21:52

Yeah, yeah, you're not helping any, pussy. Black nose. Your cat was looking swank on New Year's by the way.

Bryan: 00:21:57

Yeah, he was.

Patrick: 00:21:58

He was looking swank with his little bow tie collar and his black nose. And it just all looked very, it was more classy than the movie that we watched.

Bryan: 00:22:04

That's very true.

Patrick: 00:22:05

Well, anyway, think they, they save this girl because one of them jumps into the middle of the TILT world. He pulls out the fuse. Cuz he's the low class one, so he knows how like mechanics work. What, as opposed to my dad's motorcycle shop or. Which, Which.

No, no, not at all. You could have just turned it off. But now we've got this army of evil carnies that are after them.

And now we have a 10, 8, 10 minute, like Chase sequence through the fun fair, which again, if we knew anybody involved, might have been okay. But I'm like, I'm really, I really don't care either way. You're all a bunch of assholes. How about you just get in your car and leave?

Bryan: 00:22:43

You're like, I hope that guy with the jean Jacket doesn't get stabbed.

Patrick: 00:22:47

I really kind of hoped he did because I really disliked everybody pretty much right away. Yeah, so did I. Yeah, I thought maybe like the one girl, like the one preppy girl. I thought she was gonna be okay. Like the pretty one.

I'm like, she might say, but she was just stupid and she was the crier.

Bryan: 00:23:04

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:23:08

Why can't we say. Why can't we see? You know, if you keep asking that question, maybe you'll figure it out. Because they're ghosts, you dumbass.

But we're so ahead of ourselves and I don't give a shit. Goddamn terrible. So now, so not only do we have a chase through no case, they decide to get their car.

But not only do they get the car, they decide to drive through the haunted house ride to escape. They drive through the haunted house. Right. Can't just leave. And by the way, they're towing a boat too.

They towed a boat through the haunted house ride, which they will lose them.

Bryan: 00:23:40

In this maze which is filled with.

Patrick: 00:23:42

Paper skeletons and inflatable skeletons. Because clearly this is a high. This, this, this is. This is your seven Flags. You know, it's not just six. They went for the full seven here.

Bryan: 00:23:51

Yeah, they're working with consistency.

Patrick: 00:23:53

Oh my gosh. I'm like, you know, you couldn't just. Whatever. I just. I can't even. We're getting to this story anytime soon. Because I thought it was about a hotel.

We're nowhere near the hotel. They're just Patty. Panting, padding. So they're going sailing and they're bringing this American girl with them because she's a loser.

I went to an amusement park by my friends, by myself, because my friends are coming tomorrow and I'm perky and I have 80s hair and no boobs. But you know, Duran Duran guy thought he was gonna score cuz everybody else is coupled up.

Bryan: 00:24:24

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:24:25

So he's glomming all over her and it's gross. And first when I first saw him, I thought he had Adrian Smed grease two hair. But then he put them.

They were on the boat because they're going sailing for the day. Where I don't know. But they lose the car, they go sailing and. And he puts on his hat and I'm like, oh, he's Duran Duran.

Okay, so he's the Duran Duran asshole. So we got that. We got the new wave asshole. We got the low class asshole. Plus girlfriends and the rich guy. This would net. No, no, no.

I know how the class system in England works. This would never happen.

Bryan: 00:24:58

I just love that their plans for the day were, hey, let's. Let's hit up the amusement park or the fun land or whatever the fuck.

Patrick: 00:25:05

The beach. The beach fair was an aside because they were already at the beach.

Bryan: 00:25:09

And then the fun fair and then, hey, let's go sailing afterwards.

Patrick: 00:25:12

Yes, yes.

Bryan: 00:25:13

Makes perfect sense.

Patrick: 00:25:14

Make total sense. Let's drive like three hours to go sailing too.

So they go sailing in their sailboat and they're out for about what, 30 seconds, who knows before they hit a rock and the boat sinks and. Okay, yeah, I say I named everybody. What did I. Okay, we had. We had. Okay, we had Ginger Perm. Ginger Perm was a low class guy. And we had.

We had sweaterneck guy. That was the rich guy with the sweater tied around his neck the whole time because of the 80s. Oh. Oh, God. And then the Duran Duran.

Oh, they were all wearing. All the guys were wearing white socks and dress shoes and. Oh, boy, that brought me back. That brought me back. I went to.

I went to private boys high school and we didn't have a uniform. We had a dress code. You know, we had to wear a jacket and tie and dress pants and dress shoes and. But they were never specific on this.

And everybody wore their fucking gym socks and the dress shoes. And I'm like, it's Chaminade. They all went to Chaminade. They all went to my high school. Like the. One of the. And whatever.

And awful shoes and bitch girl. They're all awful. All awful. So the boat, the boat's sinking and.

Bryan: 00:26:21

You'Re like, good, this is gonna be a short movie.

Patrick: 00:26:23

I'm like, yes.

And then when the boat sinks, they're all jumping out of the boat and you realize they're in 3ft of water and they're all like, ah, the water is not even up to their waves. But they're all pretending that it's not. I'm like, oh, God, oh God, oh, God. But preppy girl whose name was Janet. Her name is Janet.

They had a close up of her shoes. And I know, Brad, Bri, I'm gonna keep calling you Bradford.

And I'm sorry because he keeps walking around the house naked to try to throw me off because he still lives here. And they show her shoes and I lost my goddamn mind. She had these little. They were the ugly shoes.

They were these like little red shiny shoes with gigantic yellow bows on them.

Bryan: 00:27:05

Was she clicking them together and be like, there's no place like home.

Patrick: 00:27:08

If only because then the movie would have been over. But no. And Then at some point she's like, oh, I have to shave my shoes. No, you can let them go. You can let those go.

Those need to be at the bottom of the sea because even the fish won't eat them. Because that is somebody about shoes. And they're coming out of the water. And what I thought was funny. Duran Duran guy tries to rescue.

Tries to assist the American girl with no tits coming out of the water. And she's like, get your fucking hands off me.

Bryan: 00:27:44

She's like, go to a goddamn dentist and get away from me.

Patrick: 00:27:47

It's a foot and a half of water. I'm all right. Everybody else is falling down like they just survived the Titanic. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Bryan: 00:27:58

Can't believe we made it.

Patrick: 00:27:59

Oh, gosh, that was a close one. And then, you know, there's lots of rolling around in the beach, like, nobody's kissing the sand, because that would have just been amazing.

But no, but the whole time we're treated to this Baron. It's a recipe for romance. Yeah, yeah. It's the route. I'm like, stop playing this music.

Bryan: 00:28:21

This isn't the Monkeys. Stop it.

Patrick: 00:28:23

It was the worst. Cry no more. Believe me, I'm crying more. I'm crying a lot more. They thought their career was gonna really take off after this one.

Bryan: 00:28:32

Like, oh, this is gonna be our big break.

Patrick: 00:28:33

Although, however it did, when they weren't playing, it did have a really kind of fantastic 80s synth soundtrack, which I'm probably playing underneath it. It was always just like, really cheap but totally perfect in its own right. And. And they, you know, they're like, just walking.

They're trying to find, I don't know, a phone, and they come across this hotel, as Bryan said. But this is another thing I love. They walk past the sign that said, danger, do not enter. But still, like, that's weird.

And then they're like, oh, God, barbed wire. We're getting snagged on barbed wire. There was not a fucking lick of barbed wire on that beach. Go back, watch that scene.

They are all acting the barbed wire and they're all acting it in different places. It's so funny. Nice.

Bryan: 00:29:20

It's nice to know they got some high quality actors. People that are like, well, surely that do not enter sign does not mean us. No, you could just keep going.

Patrick: 00:29:30

Clearly, Clearly. Well, you know, I get it. You know, you're. You got to find something.

I get it, you know, because there couldn't possibly be anything, like, I don't know, poisonous plants or I don't know. You could be on an animal preserve and you're gonna be eaten by cheetah. I don't know.

Bryan: 00:29:43

That would have been a better movie.

Patrick: 00:29:44

That would have been a much better movie. Cheetah Island. Cheetah Island. Bloody New Year on Cheetah Island.

Bryan: 00:29:54

That'd be the best movie.

Patrick: 00:29:55

Pop the cork, bring a fork. Because your dinner, it really just writes itself.

Bryan: 00:30:01

It really does. It's nice.

Patrick: 00:30:03

Yeah. So they said they get there and it's all decorated in Christmas shit. And of course there's nobody around.

And while they find it odd, they don't find it odd enough.

Bryan: 00:30:15

Like, well, even though nobody's here and we're very obviously not supposed to be here because of that do not enter sign.

Patrick: 00:30:20

Yeah.

Bryan: 00:30:20

We'll just make ourselves at home. It'll be fine.

Patrick: 00:30:22

Make ourselves at home because. Well, the thing is that they say the decorations are fresh, the Christmas tree is fresh. It's not like it's decrepit and dirty. So I'll give them that.

Bryan: 00:30:31

No, no, no, you misunderstood. They were like, that tree is fresh. As in it tried to like.

Patrick: 00:30:35

.: 1985

Bryan: 00:30:46

That would be even better.

Patrick: 00:30:47

Kelly Ripa. But you know what?

Bryan: 00:30:52

You can have her.

Patrick: 00:30:53

What?

Bryan: 00:30:54

What?

Patrick: 00:30:55

Christmas. Kelly Rip is a tree. Yes, yes.

Bryan: 00:30:59

Go with it.

Patrick: 00:31:00

She's a tree on Cheetah Island. Yes.

Bryan: 00:31:06

They don't let no cougars on Cheetah Island. Come on.

Patrick: 00:31:08

ll, she wouldn't have been in: 1985

Bryan: 00:31:13

It's true. Remember that?

Patrick: 00:31:14

Remember the USA Dance Party?

Bryan: 00:31:15

I did not.

Patrick: 00:31:16

Oh, you don't? It was kind of like American Graffiti, but even cheaper.

Bryan: 00:31:20

Oh, yeah.

Patrick: 00:31:21

They would have, like, local, like, Philadelphia kids dancing to the latest pop hits awkwardly, like, quick, dance like you love each other. And they'd be like. Like that. It was great. But Kelly Ripa was a dancer on there. That's where she got her start. And she was a brunette.

Bryan: 00:31:38

As an FYI, she's not really blonde.

Patrick: 00:31:41

Uh huh.

Bryan: 00:31:42

Come on.

Patrick: 00:31:42

No, she's not. She's not. With a Greek name like Ripa? I don't think so. So anyway, I mean, it could happen. I don't know. I haven't seen her vagina. You can ask Regis.

I'm sure he's seen it. Hey, why don't you come out and show your coder again? I don't know who that was. That was. That was me.

Bryan: 00:32:02

That wasn't even close to Regis. Good times.

Patrick: 00:32:11

Shut up. And the thing is, after this, it's just so much horseshit. They split up. The thing is, they said something. Okay. A ghostly maid shows up at some point.

I'm like, okay, now we're going somewhere.

Bryan: 00:32:26

The nice ghostly maid.

Patrick: 00:32:28

Well, yeah, she's the only nice ghost that we have. She's nice but vague as an introduction. I'm like, okay, we're going somewhere with this because they split up.

A couple people go to the bar and just help themselves like you do. Okay, I figure we'll settle it up later. Okay, fine. Two of them go upstairs to find shoes. Yes, yes. Ms. Shoes went to look for more shoes.

She's like, I need some dry shoes.

Bryan: 00:32:49

Does anybody have some hideous shoes I could find?

Patrick: 00:32:52

I need the most disgusting clodhoppers known to man. And so they wind up in a bedroom. And of course they fuck like three times. But we don't see anything because God forbid we get a boob in this movie.

Bryan: 00:33:04

Yeah, I know.

Patrick: 00:33:05

I was dying for assholes. They set up boobs twice. No boobs, fuckers. Because like, the American girl, she gets like. She's cold.

And Duran Duran builds her a fire because he is so hot to see Mickey Mouse.

Bryan: 00:33:18

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:33:19

He is so, so, so hot to give the Mouse some cheese. Get it?

Bryan: 00:33:26

A log of cheese.

Patrick: 00:33:27

Because he's uncut. Get it?

Bryan: 00:33:29

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:33:30

Yeah. Okay, thank you. I just came up with that on the spot. Thank you. I'm offending all of my UK listeners and I don't care because you know why?

We kicked your ass in: 1776

Bryan: 00:33:43

Saved your ass in World War II. Get over it.

Patrick: 00:33:45

And also, you guys recommended this goddamn movie. So you know what? All bets are off.

Bryan: 00:33:49

And made it.

Patrick: 00:33:50

e getting back for the War of: 1812

Bryan: 00:34:02

The only note that I had about.

Patrick: 00:34:04

This movie, lay it on me.

Bryan: 00:34:06

Was that the. I don't know which guy is under your description, but he was the one hanging out with the short blonde haired.

Patrick: 00:34:14

Girl who was such a bossy little bitch.

Bryan: 00:34:16

Well, also was like the sluttiest girl ever. And he obviously was not out of the closet yet because he kept shutting her down every time.

Patrick: 00:34:25

Well, you know what? Here the thing, though. Here's the thing, though. Okay? Yeah, yeah. Ms. Bossy Bitch and Ginger Perm are a couple. Okay? And they Go to find the fuse box.

And as I was watching it with Bradford, and Bradford, they're walking around this basement. He's like, this whole place is a fire trap. Which it totally was.

Bryan: 00:34:44

That's good. That's good. When the movie. That's what you focus on when you're watching a movie.

Patrick: 00:34:48

But she's like. Like, there's a million bedrooms upstairs. She wants to have sex in the goddamn fire trap on this ratty old bedroom.

I wouldn't be open for that either.

Bryan: 00:34:58

Well. But she's like, hey, we could totally do it on this pool table again.

Patrick: 00:35:02

That's gonna ruin the pool table.

Bryan: 00:35:08

But he kept just being like, oh, I think we should see what everybody else is doing.

Patrick: 00:35:11

What if not. But then again, you know, we. Maybe. Maybe she's got. Maybe there's something wrong with hers down there.

Maybe she's got, I don't know, Winston Churchill tattooed down there on the inside. I don't know how it works over there. I haven't seen a British vagina either.

Bryan: 00:35:24

Is it Tintin?

Patrick: 00:35:25

Maybe Susan Boyle? I don't know.

Bryan: 00:35:31

If you. It's like a Shar Pei. If you take your hands and like push it together, it looks like Susan Boyle.

Patrick: 00:35:38

And it sings. I dreamed a dream in time gone away. I was in a better movie. Oh, yeah. But no, God, it's just. They just split. But okay.

Duran Durant guy is trying to get with American Girl and she's cold, obviously. They just came out of the sea. Fine. He builds a fire for her and he's like, I'm gonna go find you a blanket, cuz we're in a hotel.

They must have a blanket here somewhere. While he's gone, Ghost maid appears and brings her a blanket. Okay.

And the ghost mate says, won't you slip out to those wet things and wrap this around you? That ought to warm you up. What does that cue for you, Bryan?

Bryan: 00:36:18

Lesbian Ghost maid.

Patrick: 00:36:19

Sure. Tits at least tits. Oh, we're gonna get some tits. We're gonna get some tits. Or at least something. Or at least side boob something. Nothing. Nothing.

We don't even take her, say on a stitch off thing. She comes back dry, totally dry, totally dry. Back in her clothes. Fuck you. Fuck you, movie.

Bryan: 00:36:33

You goddamn bitch.

Patrick: 00:36:35

wasn't invented in Britain in: 1985

Bryan: 00:36:41

They were too prudish. Like if she's not taking a shower in a full corset, then this movie is.

Patrick: 00:36:48

Oh, because the other one's Taking a bath and somehow found bubble bath and a rubber duck. I have never been in a hotel with bubble bath ever. And I have stayed some of the finest days in. In this country.

Bryan: 00:37:06

So you're just not staying at the right hotels? Apparently.

Patrick: 00:37:08

Apparently not. Apparently not.

Bryan: 00:37:12

Color cable tv. Do you have bubble bath?

Patrick: 00:37:14

Yeah. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I know. I don't care about the massaging finger bed. I want the bubble bath kind of hotel.

Bryan: 00:37:22

Do you think this is bubble bath? That's what kind.

Patrick: 00:37:25

Why do you think this is the Plaza? Rocky my crocky. I got the whole thing bang way round other British isms that I'm not getting quite right, but I'm gonna use them anyway. Oh my God.

Oh my God. So, yeah, so no boobs in the bathtub, no boobs in the blanket, and no boobs with the other one because the guy won't have sex with her.

Cuz really, with that perm, I couldn't handle it. She had like Bonnie Tyler perm. Like, like, like four weeks after it had grown out and not been dyed or treated in any way.

It was just like a rat mess. Rat mess. Rat mess. And her name was Leslie and that's Bradford's sister's name. So I was making fun of her because she was so damn dykey.

And like they find all these clothes to change into because you know again, when you're in a hotel and nobody's in, you gotta try on everybody's clothes like you would. And they're like, ah, this must be some kind of 50s New Year's in July hotel. Yeah.

Bryan: 00:38:23

Cause I've heard of those.

Patrick: 00:38:24

Oh, those. Okay. Huh, huh. One of those wacky New Year's Eve in July hotels that nobody's at. Okay, great. But all their clothes are. And the girl was just like.

The girl was this daiki girls bossy, bossy daiki bitch was drumming through envy. She's like, is there a pair of dungarees in here? I'm like, yeah, lesbian. Huge lesbian.

You want to have sex really bad to prove to your mother that you're not a lesbian.

Bryan: 00:38:54

No, no, seriously, I like the spotted dick. I swear.

Patrick: 00:38:58

I hate you. That's a King Ralph joke I hate. But you know what? I've been there and I've seen it. I'm not eating that. I don't care if it's a 400 year old recipe.

Change the goddamn name. Change the name. We do that all the time over here. Do you have any cereals? I recognize the shapes from the 80s C3PO's are. Now remember C3O cereal.

It's the same shape as some as all oat brand. Now they took the sugar off and it's the same cereal. I'm like, you know, we do it all the time. Call it something else.

I want the biggest plate of spotted dick. I'm sorry my dick isn't spotty enough.

Bryan: 00:39:41

We got a might ripe whore around the way that'll help you with that.

Patrick: 00:39:49

Would you like some clotted jizz, sticky toffee jizz pudding? Because everything's pudding over there. Do you know that every. They call all desserts pudding? It's just really annoying. It's really annoying.

Like if it's cake, it's pudding. If it's ice cream, it's pudding. Everything's pudding. I'm like, it's not pudding. Fuck you and fucking pudding.

Fuck your movie lesbians that want to wear dungarees your shoes with the yellow bows on them. Fuck everybody. But okay, so the. Basically they're in the hotel and there's ghosts, but there's not because they never see anything. Like really?

Yeah, nothing happens. Occasionally they'd be starting to set something up that would almost be cool. Like the part where the.

The guy Duran Duran guy is wandering around looking for a blanket. He winds up in the dance hall and there's the allegedly 50s band on stage playing 80s music. But whatever. He can get by it.

But the like the dance lights keep flashing in his eyes and he's getting this kind of like stroboscopic effect. I'm like, this could be going somewh. And then it doesn't.

Bryan: 00:40:57

No, no.

Patrick: 00:40:57

The people on stage just. Just appear and he's disappeared. They disappear and he's just like, well, that was strange. There's a lot of that.

Bryan: 00:41:05

There's a lot of mention it to anybody there.

Patrick: 00:41:07

People keep seeing people all over the place who immediately disappear and they're just like me.

The one like one scene I thought was creepy when the girl with the ugly shoes and sweater vests were having sex upstairs after they changed into their 50s clothes. And in the mirror you see the ghost of the girl who's wearing the dress that pretty girl is now wearing, just watching them and crying.

Like that was kind of cool. That was a nice little ghost scene. Maybe the rest of the movie will be more like.

Bryan: 00:41:37

No, it's like, ooh, what happened at this hotel? Like that all these spirits are trapped here.

Patrick: 00:41:42

Yeah, yeah. Because you know, eventually it doesn't care because it. Like this movie has no rules. No, there's no rules. Okay, let's cut to the chase, Bryan.

What happened? Do you remember what happened that caused all this?

Bryan: 00:41:55

Oh, I honestly don't even remember.

Patrick: 00:41:57

You are the worst guest I have ever had on this show.

Bryan: 00:42:00

I told you today that I forgot, like, 90% of this movie.

Patrick: 00:42:04

m mad at you. You are ruining: 2015

This beautiful tradition is dead, dead, dead, dead. Oh, my God, we're going down in flames.

Much like the plane that caused all of this, because, right, the British government were testing this kind of new technology that somehow was warping time in a way. I don't know, whatever they would say it was. It was supposed to make planes invisible to radar by doing something with the time space continuum.

But the problem was the plane crashed. Where did it crash? On this island.

Bryan: 00:42:42

On this island? Yeah.

Patrick: 00:42:43

When did it crash? At midnight on New Year's, of course.

Bryan: 00:42:47

How convenient.

Patrick: 00:42:48

So that's why everybody's stuck there. Okay.

Bryan: 00:42:51

Yeah. That still doesn't help this movie at all.

Patrick: 00:42:53

It really does. It, like, had. It had more of a New Year's theme because they didn't really play with that much at all. And sometimes they were ghosts.

I'm like, why are they ghosts? But sometimes they're zombies and now they're demons, but now they're not. I don't know what's happening.

You just vomited everything into a bucket and probably served it as a dessert.

Bryan: 00:43:13

Yeah, because then they slowly start getting possessed or something in it.

Patrick: 00:43:15

Yeah. Oh, we put a mint sprig on it. Now it's. It's. It's. I don't know. I don't know. Clumpy gruel. I don't know. I can't even. Fuck you. Woody.

Woody, if you're listening, fuck you. You know what? You're British and I love you. Fuck you. I hope you're laughing right now.

Bryan: 00:43:35

I'm sure all of your British listeners are like, I am so offended by everything they've just said.

Patrick: 00:43:41

Do we still have any bombs lying around? Do we have any unexploded things from the Blitzkrieg? That was offensive. Okay, sorry. Nazi jokes. Okay, you know what? I don't anymore.

But here's some of the things that I did enjoy in this movie in the worst possible way, because I've seen things in this movie that I have never seen before. I got to see Bryan and I got to see a killer tablecloth monster.

Bryan: 00:44:13

Yeah. That was fucking weird.

Patrick: 00:44:16

It was not. Not even remote, like, okay, fine, she's getting attacked by a tail. The guy's getting attacked by a tablecloth. Okay.

I'm thinking, okay, is there a ghost under the tablecloth? No. Because they added strips to the tablecloth to make it look like a really cheap sea monster. I'm like, what the is this?

Bryan: 00:44:35

Because he stabs it with the fire poker and the tablecloth starts to bleed.

Patrick: 00:44:39

Yeah. And then it goes back and it's fine. Because everything keeps resetting itself at the hotel, too, which I thought was kind of cool.

It keeps resetting to whatever time the thing happens. So if you break something, it'll put itself back together, put itself on the shelf again, not used well at all. We got to see that.

And there was the part where the other two, the rich couple and the pretty girl with the stupid shoes, they're running around the beach. And they kept hearing laughing, but it was always coming from, like, over the next hill. This was also something.

This was a setup to something interesting. Did you see YellowBrickRoad?

Bryan: 00:45:14

Yes, I did.

Patrick: 00:45:15

It's a miss of a movie, but it had an interesting idea.

In that movie, they're following this trail, and in it of these people that disappeared, and they keep in the 40s, and they keep hearing 40s music in a party, but it's always coming over the next hill. No matter how far they walk, they're never getting to the band, and the band never stops, and they're going crazy.

That's one of the things that's driving them crazy. So they're hearing laughing coming from bushes. They run over there. There's nobody there. They hear from over there.

But then the bushes started wiggling, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. Killer shrubbery, strawberries. It's a strawberry. They'll be killed with a strawberry.

Bryan: 00:45:53

It was very much like canned TV laughter, too, which made me.

Patrick: 00:45:56

It was totally. I wrote down killer laugh track. Good show.

And they get down to the beach, and now they're seeing invisible footprints that are not just, like, appearing, but, like, completely, like, stop motioning and appearing. And it looked like those old dance lessons that you would buy in the 70s where you would put the footprints on the ground to learn the cha cha.

Bryan: 00:46:27

It totally did.

Patrick: 00:46:29

And it was just made totally more annoying because the girl's like, why can't we say anyone? Why can't we see them? Why can't we say them? Why can't we see them? Why can't you Shut the upper.

Bryan: 00:46:42

She shut your hole.

Patrick: 00:46:53

Because that's the thing after. At this point, after everything that they've seen, why are you questioning anything? People have been attacked by a fishing net.

Bryan: 00:47:07

Oh, that was awful.

Patrick: 00:47:08

That was awful. But at least when the fish hooks got into him, like, now it's getting interesting. But then she pulled them out like it was nothing.

I'm like, no, fish hooks just don't come out. Yeah, that's an. That's an event. She's like, what? And completely went back to bitching. And we saw that somebody got attacked by a banister.

But it was totally like a Muppet banister. Like, was completely a hand going. But it was somebody else.

Bryan: 00:47:34

Damn you, Jim Henson.

Patrick: 00:47:35

Why did you do. We've seen the best and worst thing. Because the best part of the movie is another movie.

he night on New Year's Eve in: 1959

Bryan: 00:47:51

Mm.

Patrick: 00:47:52

Which is a movie about killer brains with antenna that push themselves along with their vertebrae. It's really kind of stupid. Brilliant. At the same time they suck your brains out. It was more fun than this movie.

And, you know, they just like, oh, well, we're gonna sit down and watch it. Like you do in this kind of a situation, as you do in an.

Bryan: 00:48:09

Abandoned hotel where it's just randomly screening on its own.

Patrick: 00:48:12

Uh, huh huh huh. But this was. I love this too, because the movie ended, the title card came up. The end. And Duran Duran got up and started bitching.

What's wrong with the film? The film's over, Dick.

Bryan: 00:48:27

That's how movies sometimes end.

Patrick: 00:48:28

The film is. Oh. When the words the end come up, that usually means there's no more. There might be a couple of words that come up and some additional music.

Maybe a stinger scene at the end. But pretty much when those words come up, that there's nothing wrong with the film. It's done. But again, it's Britain. Maybe that hadn't happened then.

They're still used to the Nickelodeon. I don't know. Go into the Flickr show. I got the. Fuck them in the goddamn technology. They're always stupid, stupid.

They were just, you know, why all their energy was going into, like, inflicting the Spice girls on us 10 years down the line. That's what was happening.

Bryan: 00:49:01

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:49:01

They were planning the big Spice Girl invasions to get back at us.

Bryan: 00:49:04

That's what I blame, the Royal Family, really. I think.

Patrick: 00:49:07

I know I'm going with Camilla. Camilla. Parker Bowles is Behind all this.

Bryan: 00:49:12

That whore.

Patrick: 00:49:14

And Diana was going to leak all this, so she had to be taken out. We are so in so much deep shit. We are. Elton John is not going to be singing Candle in the Wind for us at our funeral. So. What else happened?

Okay, yeah. Some other things that almost worked. There was part with the American girl. She sees the maid and is chasing her like, oh, hey, remember me?

You gave me a blanket, bitch. Why are you talking to anybody? Like, you actually think that she is the maid here after everything you've seen? Oh, well, I forgot. They go.

They sit there. I forgot. Let me backtrack. They're watching Fiend Without a Fan Case.

the New Year's eve party from: 1959

Oh, I can swing all that. He's standing next to me like, whoa, I'm on a swing. Oh, they're doing the jitterbug. Look, I could do it, too. All right.

Oh, I'm pretty good at this, right? He just won't shut up. He will not shut up. And they're having some kind of a costume party.

And on the screen, somebody's dressed like a chic, and he's like, oh, look, I'm. I'm Lords of Arabia, too. And all of a sudden, the sheik comes out of the film and chokes the living shit out of him.

Bryan: 00:50:34

That was so weird.

Patrick: 00:50:36

That was the best part.

Bryan: 00:50:38

That was, like, the only part where I was just like, holy shit.

Patrick: 00:50:40

That was cool. The effect was decent. It was unexpected. They never go back there again again. No.

But the thing is, then everyone's really bris about, like, oh, no, he's dead. All right. Well, now what should we do?

Bryan: 00:50:52

Huh? Huh?

Patrick: 00:50:56

Huh? Let's spit up and go and look over here for Nobody Cares. Then again, it's Durand Duran, who was the biggest of the group. I wouldn't have cared.

I would have gone to the bar and toasted everybody. Be like, well done. Well done, Monster Chicago.

Bryan: 00:51:11

Thank you. Ghost Chic, the sequel to Ghost Dad.

Patrick: 00:51:19

He tames the cheetahs. He runs the cheetahs.

Bryan: 00:51:21

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:51:22

He's the cheetah tamer.

Bryan: 00:51:27

If you want to get to the Cheetahs, you have to go through me.

Patrick: 00:51:30

Nobody cares. This guy's dead. But then again, in a lot of British stuff, if you watch BBC Mysteries or Agatha Christie's, that's how it always is. Nobody cares.

Bryan: 00:51:40

I guess we'll carry on then.

Patrick: 00:51:41

You're a cold fucking people. Like, I'll have another game of snooker, shall we? In it. That's raw treasure in it. What's on the telly? Who's the Top of the Pops?

It was Kylie on Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

Bryan: 00:51:55

I just want to say, throughout this entire movie, nobody once went, so what's all this then, man? Just once. Just once. Come on.

Patrick: 00:52:03

Hang on, what's this?

Bryan: 00:52:06

Yeah, what's all this then?

Patrick: 00:52:07

Hello? By Jove, nothing. Maybe they weren't even English. Maybe they were. Maybe it was really an Italian movie. They were pretending to be English.

That's why they didn't get anything right now. And there was totally, just totally England's fault. Nobody's that white. Nobody's that white. And I'm like, fucking loose leaf paper.

And I'm not that white.

Bryan: 00:52:29

I'm not far behind. And I agree.

Patrick: 00:52:30

But anyway, she, American Girl follows Ghost Mate. That's part of the trilogy, yeah, Ghost Mate to this little house. And she's, of course now she's disappeared. Oh no.

And she opens up a door and like it's a fucking blizzard. And I said, I'm on board with this because now all of a sudden it's January, now it's winter. Okay.

Of course nothing comes of this because she just stands around like, yeah, I'm like, how about you leave? Close the door, get out of the room that you're in. I'm like, oh, she's gonna freeze to death. Like the shine. No, no, no.

Bryan: 00:53:11

And was there another one where somebody opened the door and it just went out onto a cliff?

Patrick: 00:53:14

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that. That old Scooby Doo joke. Yes. Uh huh. But again, nothing happened. Nobody fell.

But the thing is, the guy was hanging from the door for about seven minutes before his friends.

Bryan: 00:53:28

Yep, looks like a cliff to me.

Patrick: 00:53:30

Which one of us is going to help with how to draw straws? Flip a coin, Discuss heritage? Well, he's your boy from. Well, I have the last one right, that's true.

Bryan: 00:53:46

Just play a game of cricket, decide who's going to help them.

Patrick: 00:53:51

Pitch me a googly, would you? Pitching a googly sounds like something very pornographic as well. Just as a thing. Yeah, Google it.

Oh, anyway, yeah, and then she finds a snow globe of herself, which I thought was kind of cool. There was a snow globe in the window. It was a little dull, but it was dressed like her. Drowned in the snow globe. That's a creepy image.

In a better Movie.

Bryan: 00:54:15

Someone saw that in another movie. Let's put that in our movie.

Patrick: 00:54:18

We hate her. Let's drown her. Mm. Oh, gosh. I can't even. Okay. Okay. Oh. Oh, God.

Bryan: 00:54:26

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:54:26

And just. Oh, God. Boyfriend. Fucking rich guy. Boyfriend was so annoying because the whole time when she's all going walk out, we see them, he keeps going.

It's okay, Janet. It's okay, Janet. It's okay. Like, it's not okay, Janet. It's like the opposite okay. Like, nothing is okay. And this is when it started to dawn on me.

I'm like, at no point did you walk around the island to see if maybe there was a. A dock somewhere. Because if there's a hotel, these people got here somewhere somehow.

d if it's the Same Night from: 1959

Bryan: 00:55:05

I just realized. I think Lost was a remake of this movie.

Patrick: 00:55:07

It totally was. Without. Yeah, but without. They couldn't afford the polar bear, so they had the cheetahs that were invisible.

Bryan: 00:55:14

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:55:14

It was a cut scene. Yeah. Invisible cheetahs and barbed wire. That's what they call cheetahs in Britain. They call them barbed wire. Oh, look. Can I pet you? Barbed wire.

So it's a beautiful animal. It's a beautiful animal. Oh, God. Okay, now the scene that apparently everybody loves in this movie is when that girl who cried all the time gets hers.

She's in the lift and she basically gets sucked into the water.

Bryan: 00:55:40

Wall. Oh, yeah.

Patrick: 00:55:42

Hands came out of the wall. Nightmare on Elm street, original style. And pull her into the wall and she just disappears into it.

Bryan: 00:55:49

But it sounds like. It sounds like two balloons rubbing together, though.

Patrick: 00:55:52

The whole time I thought the exact same thing. I'm like, somebody's rubbing balloons together. And the other thing I noted, I'm like, did you notice that there's six buttons on this elevator?

And there are two floors to this hotel.

Bryan: 00:56:04

There's like four sub basements somewhere. That's where all the ghosts are hanging out.

Patrick: 00:56:18

Because you never see any.

Bryan: 00:56:20

Exactly.

Patrick: 00:56:21

You see ghost maids, and then the people who die turn into demons. But that's pretty much it on the ghosts, except until the ending when they play spin the pool table for 20 minutes. Fuck this movie. Fuck it so hard.

But I did, like, when she was in the elevator and she went to hit the button, and it was like some booger, like this black booger that came off on her finger. It was very visceral. Like, that's disgusting. That was spotted Dick on the wall.

She just fingered spotted dick on the wall, thinking that it was a button.

Bryan: 00:56:49

I think your spotted dick is leaking.

Patrick: 00:56:57

He just got some muppets up with a biscuit, which is a cookie over there. So it's all very confusing. Even the finale. Stupid. Like, everybody, all the demons have showed up. All the ghosts from the past have shown up.

It' American Girl and Rich Boy and they're in the ballroom. And again, this was kind of cool because Girl is now like the MC of the show. And this again, in a better movie would have been great.

She's announcing like, it's the dance contests and the way, you know, like, like I'm thinking, oh, it'll be like a dance marathon. You're gonna make a dance to die or something. Something. No, they don't follow through with anything. They wind up on the snooker table.

Just keep getting spun around and spun around and spun around like it's the fucking wheel of fortune. I'm like, do something. But all the ghosts are standing around the pool table going, they're really ineffective. No, if only, if only.

Like, they're not even trying to grab them. I'm like, these are some lazy ass ghost demons. Oh, by the way, the carnies showed up at some point.

How they found them, I don't know, it doesn't matter. But then they all died. And then, of course, it took them a half an hour to say what I said immediately.

If the carnies got there, there must be a boat, right? They didn't think of that till, like, seems like. Yeah, but we didn't think of that because, you know, oh, that can't possibly be right.

Jibbity Squibbit. Because they had stupid shoes. Yeah, they did have stupid shoes. Bradford, we're way past the stupid shoes.

They're like, we're gonna trust the magic crystals that were hanging from the trees. Do you remember that part?

Bryan: 00:58:27

No.

Patrick: 00:58:28

There were bits of mirror that were hanging on strings from the trees and they were walking through them like, oh, oh. I'm like, wait a minute, are those pits of mirrors hanging from trees or are those supposed to be magical time crystals?

Cause that's what they were acting. But they are clearly bits of mirror on string. I don't know what the fuck was going on with this movie. I don't care if you have a low budget.

There's some things also, the night never falls on this island. They're there for like six days.

Bryan: 00:58:56

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:58:57

And it's never known on New Year's. Evil.

Bryan: 00:59:00

To be fair, they got the Whole time vortex still.

Patrick: 00:59:03

It's midnight. It was midnight. It should be midnight on the island. It should be. It should be January. And it's not.

And when they're getting spun around on the pool table, they show a pinball machine going crazy. And the name of the pinball machine was Lucky Fruit. And I was offended.

Bryan: 00:59:22

You sons of bitches.

Patrick: 00:59:24

I said, how dare you? How dare you? After all this? Now you go homophobic? Now you go homophobic. You don't show me a boob. You show me no blood, no gore.

There's a joke German uncut version of this, and I have no idea what's missing and I don't care.

Bryan: 00:59:40

The scatological scene.

Patrick: 00:59:42

Yes. Let's play Pass the Pooh Whipper. Sounds like a blast. Oh, my God, I hated this movie so much, Bryan, I'm so sorry.

Bryan: 00:59:57

This is so bad.

Patrick: 00:59:57

It was the worst thing ever. So you know what, Justine for Bristol, you are dead. And you know what? I don't think you're a real person.

I actually think you are Justin from the Hysteria Continues podcast. Who did this to up my show. That's what I think.

So you could take your goth ass and take your Susie and the Banshees T shirt, stick it up your ass and I don't know what.

Bryan: 01:00:29

Yeah, me and Patrick are so mad, we're gonna get in a little boat and travel over to Britain to whoop your ass. And I'm sure, no way. Get lost and end up on an island with some weird haunted hotel. But nobody do anything.

Patrick: 01:00:41

No. Because we know what to do. We're Americans. We go in, just blow this shit up.

Bryan: 01:00:45

Yeah. We got guns.

Patrick: 01:00:46

We're born with shit. Up. Take that plane. Push it off. The only thing I liked about this movie, Bryan, the only thing I like. Nobody, like, lived.

Bryan: 01:00:54

That's true.

Patrick: 01:00:55

Nobody lived. But then even the tag scene didn't make any sense because you got the American girl, she's trapped in a mirror, going, help me, help me.

from the movie has joined the: 1950

Bryan: 01:01:14

No, it could be worse.

Patrick: 01:01:16

No, it could be worse.

Bryan: 01:01:17

You could be watching this movie for a while.

Patrick: 01:01:18

You could be watching. Thank you.

Bryan: 01:01:19

You.

Patrick: 01:01:21

Thank you. It could be Mother's Day forever. That would just be boring. It would be awful.

Bryan: 01:01:27

There you go, Easter. Have you met anybody yet? Oh, fuck off, Mother.

Patrick: 01:01:36

So what, am I gonna get some grandkids when Hell fucking freezes over. Which is not gonna happen. You know why? Cause we're there.

Bryan: 01:01:45

It's true.

Patrick: 01:01:45

And you've got the heat cranked up. Cause you're old and you're always cold. Oh, my God.

Bryan: 01:01:54

I was gonna say, the only way I'd recommend this movie is if you play it in two times the speed and play yakety sax over it and just pretend it's a Benny Hill movie.

Patrick: 01:02:02

Yeah, okay, but yeah, even Benny Hill has more skin than this movie does.

Bryan: 01:02:06

That's very true. If you're gonna make a shitty movie, at least put some boobs in it.

Patrick: 01:02:13

Oh, my God. And the makeup. When people were showing up as zombies, I was like, wow. Wow, that is terrible. And it's nice long close ups in daylight.

So, like there's no shadows, no height. I'm like, that is some terrible makeup. I cannot be afraid of a girl in a sweatshirt and a turtleneck.

Bryan: 01:02:34

But come on. Her hair's all sticking up and her face looks really white.

Patrick: 01:02:37

So she's like really white with some chunky oatmeal on the side. And then, and then, and then. The scariest thing in the movie for me, there was that one carny who had really tight pants.

The tall skinny one had really tight pants on and they were long. And of course, the soundtrack, you know, if Cry no More, if you're out there, if you got a career out of this, fuck you.

It's probably their dad who produced it. We need a vehicle for my boys band. They're going to be bigger than their beat. Hoads. You're not somebody. They can play anything.

They can play 80s, they can play 50s, they can play more 80s. That sounds like 50s and 50s, that sound like 80. If I was stuck at Eternity in a New Year's Eve party listening to them, now we got problems.

Because, you know, I'm playing the shit out of it underneath this because it was. That was. It was painful. This is a painful movie. And I don't mind a bad movie. I don't either if it's got some redeeming value.

Bryan couldn't even remember it. No, Bryan's a listener who actually does have functioning brain cells sometimes. Yeah, you do. You do. Like I've got, like.

I've had my friend Eddie Furth on, who is a huge donor and would just go off on tangents that had nothing to do with nothing. And I'm like, okay, he's gone, he's gone. He'd be obsessing about a piece of paper that was blowing in the wind.

On screen, he's like, that was the coolest effect, how they got the paper and a move like that. It's called a fan. And no, no, it was moving. It was beautiful. I was like, okay, okay. American Beauty.

Bryan: 01:04:08

I've never seen anything more beautiful than this.

Patrick: 01:04:11

You West Bentley. One good movie in race of career is crap. You know why? Because you're actually that weird guy.

Bryan: 01:04:19

Yeah. He was supposed to be somebody huge and then he didn't do like jack shit forever. And now he's in the Hunger Games.

Patrick: 01:04:24

And now he does harm. He did a couple of horror movies that were terrible. Yeah, he's in P2.

Bryan: 01:04:30

I got a P2.

Patrick: 01:04:32

I know. I. Well, I'm confused because P is number one.

Bryan: 01:04:37

Oh, man, it's. Yeah, this whole thing just now I'm failing.

Patrick: 01:04:42

Feel like I missed the sequel.

Bryan: 01:04:49

Gross.

Patrick: 01:04:51

I'm sorry, Bryan. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. This was terrible. But you know what? It's not my fault.

Bryan: 01:04:59

No, it's not.

Patrick: 01:04:59

It's Justine's fault. Justine, I hope you're happy. Justine, you're new here. I'm going to make sure that you'll never sit at the cool table.

And if you do, I'm gonna make you wear those shoes from the movie.

Bryan: 01:05:14

Listen, just because you're jealous of your brother Jason Bateman's success doesn't mean you get to move to the UK and suggest us shitty horror movies.

Patrick: 01:05:21

Nice. Nice. Can I tell you something? Completely change topic. Are you watching Orange is the New Black at all?

Bryan: 01:05:27

I haven't yet, but it's in my queue.

Patrick: 01:05:29

Okay, okay. There's a girl. It's actually the girl from the 70s show who used to be a redhead.

Bryan: 01:05:34

Laura.

Patrick: 01:05:35

Yes. Now she's got dark hair for the entire first season. I thought that was Justine Bateman. Poor Justine Bateman.

I still have trouble reconciling that it's not. But then I realized she's like 55 now. Probably. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know how time works when Hollywood things go south.

So, Bryan, what are you working on lately? You making any movies? Doing cool stuff? Deadly double feature thing things. Ding dong Patrick from the future.

Here, right about here, is where Bryan Wolfordord went on and on about all the movies that he's been working on and directing and the scripts that he's writing and all the fun stuff going on over Drunken Zombie. Except all this stuff happened 11 years ago. So it's really kind of pointless putting it out there now because all of his information has Changed.

He's not. Drunken zombie is no more. But if you really enjoyed Bryan Wilford, please go listen to him over on the Midnight Drive in podcast. You can find it.

That's how it's listed on all the socials and on all your podcast listening devices. Midnight Drive In Bryan Wilford. Go gobble him up. Right now.

I'm going to leave the things that Bryan talked about in the show so you can find out the wide range of his talent. But just know it's all ancient history from here on out. Take dog back to the show.

Bryan: 01:06:45

Drunken zombies doing all kinds of crazy shit. This year we're doing a live podcast here locally in town. Oh, that's going to be a disappear probably.

Patrick: 01:06:53

Yeah. Well, yeah.

Bryan: 01:06:55

Dave, who I got to work with.

Patrick: 01:06:56

Dave will ruin it.

Bryan: 01:06:57

Dave ruins everything.

Patrick: 01:06:58

Yes he does. Fuck my insurance.

Bryan: 01:07:01

Working on a found footage short film for a project I was asked to be part of. I think that's going to be super fun. I've never done found footage and I hate found footage.

Patrick: 01:07:09

So it can be good when done correctly. Exactly not.

Bryan: 01:07:13

And that's it. Just doing some writing, trying to get some stuff put together. Hopefully for the next year.

Patrick: 01:07:18

Okay, good for you and Bryan. Where can they find out about Drunk and Don't Zombie?

Bryan: 01:07:22

Drunken zombie dot com.

Patrick: 01:07:23

What that is. I can't believe that's where you find it. Ding dong. Except he can't because drunken zombie is no more. Ding dong. But you know, you're.

You're the king of the. You're the king of the hill, dude.

Bryan: 01:07:32

Oh I know.

Patrick: 01:07:34

The only one with any sense of responsibility. Well what's Wes gonna do? What's Wes gonna do? Wes can run up and down the aisles with a skeleton on a stick. That's about. That's about as good.

All you can trust him for. Which granted was awesome. It's the best thing Wes has ever done. House of Haunted. Yeah.

Bryan: 01:07:52

People love that. People went nuts.

Patrick: 01:07:54

Uh huh. Because it's Wes. And I always love how Wes shows up in your movies in a tutu of some. Not a tutu. And what am I thinking of? A leotard?

I always know it's him. The first one when dark came out, I'm like, that's Wes.

Bryan: 01:08:06

That's Wes.

Patrick: 01:08:07

I recognize his non shapely form. His completely straight flat, no muscle form.

Bryan: 01:08:16

I always tell him he's my Doug Jones. Every time I need a monster, he's the one. Because he's the skinny skinniest of all of us.

Patrick: 01:08:21

Doug Jones. Wow. Don't ever compliment him like that again.

Remember the first time we were horror weekend together and for some reason I just kept slapping Wes every five minutes?

Bryan: 01:08:34

No, but that's hilarious.

Patrick: 01:08:35

I would slap him in the face like every five minutes. I just met him.

Bryan: 01:08:42

Hey, how's it going exactly?

Patrick: 01:08:44

It tastes like these smoke.

Bryan: 01:08:44

No, no, that means he likes you.

Patrick: 01:08:46

But the thing is that I graduated to Robert our best. He's my bitch slapping at Harham weekend, which granted, I haven't been in at a thousand years because it's too expensive to fly now. Thanks, Obama.

Bryan: 01:08:56

Yeah, thanks Obama for lowering gas prices but jacking up jet fuel prices apparently.

Patrick: 01:09:02

Yeah, but yeah, now it's totally. Yeah. Well, last time I went, everything was like, oh, you want an autograph from someone who like farted on the set of Walking Dead?

That will be $3,000 and you're not even allowed in the room to see them.

Bryan: 01:09:15

I will take a picture of them signing it and giving your phone back.

Patrick: 01:09:18

No, you can't. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. You didn't pay the $3,000. You can't come in this room. You can't even see them.

I'm like, they may not even be in there. It might just be like, you know, the chamber of farts on south park or the line ride or whatever the fuck. Nothing happens. It'd be like stuck.

Oh, they just left.

Bryan: 01:09:41

Yeah. Celebrities don't do anything for me anymore.

Patrick: 01:09:44

Me either. Me either. A couple I'd be excited for. But you know, we're not talking about that. We're talking about us. We're talking about this movie.

And we're done.

Bryan: 01:09:50

Yeah. Aren't you going to throw somebody up against the wall or something? I don't know how this works.

Patrick: 01:09:54

Oh, I did. You know what, bitch? Justin. You know what, Justin? Because I know you're listening. Get up there. Anyway, I don't care if it wasn't. You said the movie.

You get up against the wall next to Justine. You bend over because the firing sprout is ready. They're. Their guns are cocked, the tips of the rifles are quivering. They're a little drippy.

They're firing all over. Take it, bitch. Ah. Get in there, Bryan. Get in and take over.

Bryan: 01:10:27

Woo. Ah.

Patrick: 01:10:30

Bryan. Doesn't last very long. I'm still ready. That was Kermit the Frog having an orgasm. Ladies and gentlemen.

, for recommending this movie: 2015

Now I have to add another segment to the show to give them something good to watch, because this is not it. There's a reason you can't find this on dvd. Bloody New Year? Fuck you.

Phlegm the Gargoyle: 01:11:03

All of the music for tonight's show, unless otherwise specified, has been written by Sam Haynes. You can find all of his music@www.bandcamp.com

Bitchass.