Transform Conversations in 4 Simple Steps with Dr. Suanne Lewis

Speaker: 00:00:00

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: We go

through the day kind of putting on this

2

00:00:02,529 --> 00:00:08,379

facial mask of looking very interested

or looking very serious or looking very

3

00:00:08,379 --> 00:00:15,950

friendly, but then we come home, we

need to relax and just be who we are.

4

00:00:25,556 --> 00:00:27,386

Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.

5

00:00:27,422 --> 00:00:31,339

I'm your host, Kacee Banks , a

mindset and positive psychology coach.

6

00:00:31,389 --> 00:00:35,519

On this podcast, we discuss all things

related to creating happiness from within.

7

00:00:35,548 --> 00:00:36,875

so let's do it

8

00:00:46,888 --> 00:00:48,528

Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.

9

00:00:49,078 --> 00:00:50,488

Today I'm joined by Dr.

10

00:00:50,488 --> 00:00:55,128

Lewis, a psychologist, author, and

instructor of Tai Chi and Yoga.

11

00:00:55,408 --> 00:00:57,638

What the Passion for Storytelling, Dr.

12

00:00:57,638 --> 00:01:01,283

Lewis uses, It teaches tales to

help people develop self awareness,

13

00:01:01,383 --> 00:01:04,563

build relationships and mindfully

engage with the world around them.

14

00:01:05,019 --> 00:01:09,200

She has worked with individuals of

all ages, using stories as a powerful

15

00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,123

tool for learning and connection.

16

00:01:11,443 --> 00:01:14,956

And this episode, we are going

to explore how storytelling can

17

00:01:14,956 --> 00:01:18,690

transform conversations, her

four step approach to meaningful

18

00:01:18,690 --> 00:01:23,433

connection and the expanding spiral of

communication across all generations.

19

00:01:23,871 --> 00:01:27,211

will be a free resource for

you, our listeners from Dr.

20

00:01:27,211 --> 00:01:27,481

Lewis.

21

00:01:27,491 --> 00:01:30,644

So be sure to check out the

show notes So let's dive in.

22

00:01:31,839 --> 00:01:32,309

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Dr.

23

00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:34,809

Lewis, welcome to the podcast.

24

00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:37,179

So, so happy to have you here.

25

00:01:37,413 --> 00:01:38,763

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Thank you for inviting me.

26

00:01:39,622 --> 00:01:45,183

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Of

course, you have such a diverse background

27

00:01:45,193 --> 00:01:49,523

and I'm so excited for this conversation

because not only are you a psychologist,

28

00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:52,323

you are an author, it's like multifaceted.

29

00:01:52,323 --> 00:01:54,393

And I am so intrigued by that.

30

00:01:54,506 --> 00:01:58,419

What inspired you to integrate all these

different disciplines to your work.

31

00:01:58,749 --> 00:02:01,569

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: I've

been interested in being a helping

32

00:02:01,569 --> 00:02:08,259

professional and so for years I

worked as a social worker and then.

33

00:02:09,119 --> 00:02:12,269

my training to be a psychologist.

34

00:02:12,739 --> 00:02:17,299

After that, I got a post doctorate in

neuropsychology, I just like to learn.

35

00:02:18,199 --> 00:02:23,199

in the process of that, I think part

of it is that I observed that my

36

00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:25,559

mother was a very anxious person.

37

00:02:26,228 --> 00:02:29,199

And, um, An unhappy kind of

38

00:02:29,309 --> 00:02:29,779

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm

39

00:02:30,259 --> 00:02:31,659

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

unfulfilled, I guess.

40

00:02:32,409 --> 00:02:39,159

I think that prompted me to work harder

to find interests that I was enjoying.

41

00:02:39,809 --> 00:02:39,819

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

42

00:02:39,839 --> 00:02:40,859

Mm hmm.

43

00:02:41,159 --> 00:02:44,514

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

did not want to be anxious.

44

00:02:44,584 --> 00:02:47,904

I did not want that to

spill over into the world.

45

00:02:47,924 --> 00:02:56,910

so I began to practice meditation and

learned Tai Chi, so eventually, I was

46

00:02:56,930 --> 00:03:03,040

working in a psychiatric hospital and

observing that because I'm a physical

47

00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:08,270

person, as I would do therapy, I might

walk with people and help them calm

48

00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:13,650

down as we're talking And I began to

realize that folks often when they're

49

00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:16,170

anxious, don't work with their bodies.

50

00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:18,390

Their bodies are foreign to them.

51

00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:19,170

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

52

00:03:19,210 --> 00:03:21,160

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

move in a comfortable way.

53

00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:26,870

And so I wanted to be able to

teach them how to have control

54

00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,610

over at least something.

55

00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:31,010

They were committed to a hospital.

56

00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,550

They were on medications.

57

00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:37,980

They had people taking care of

them and I just felt that they

58

00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,250

needed to be more independent.

59

00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:45,439

And so that's when I got my

teaching, Accreditations for Tai

60

00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:50,879

Chi, which I had been fascinated by

for a long time, as well as yoga.

61

00:03:51,349 --> 00:03:55,909

And they absolutely helped

me, and so I continue that

62

00:03:55,909 --> 00:03:58,219

and I, I still teach Tai Chi.

63

00:03:58,249 --> 00:04:05,539

I teach gentle, yoga than I used to as

I've gotten older, but I use it every day.

64

00:04:06,151 --> 00:04:07,471

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

That's beautiful.

65

00:04:08,155 --> 00:04:14,045

My father used to take a couple of classes

and he would say that it's very mind body.

66

00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,363

It's more focused on the

mind body connection.

67

00:04:16,444 --> 00:04:17,353

would you agree with that?

68

00:04:17,733 --> 00:04:18,904

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Oh, absolutely.

69

00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:22,564

Because it's moving energy and

70

00:04:22,674 --> 00:04:23,204

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm

71

00:04:23,374 --> 00:04:24,784

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

we are energy

72

00:04:25,004 --> 00:04:27,814

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

hmm, mm hmm.

73

00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:32,194

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: that

energy in, we move it through our energy

74

00:04:32,214 --> 00:04:35,234

centers and through our energy channels.

75

00:04:36,954 --> 00:04:40,674

we can begin to experience that from a.

76

00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:48,795

a cognitive or a conscious point of view,

but also from an emotional perspective.

77

00:04:49,295 --> 00:04:52,354

And, it's, it's just a wonderful practice.

78

00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:57,524

And I've actually used that with

people who have had strokes, who have

79

00:04:57,804 --> 00:05:05,214

impaired movement and helping them

move their arms and focusing and.

80

00:05:05,509 --> 00:05:10,429

Just feeling that, sense of

energy moving through them.

81

00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,876

because it is general,

but it's healing as well.

82

00:05:13,876 --> 00:05:17,906

It builds immune response you

got me started on something.

83

00:05:17,906 --> 00:05:19,086

I'm just delighted with

84

00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,736

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

I think you're delighted about all the

85

00:05:24,736 --> 00:05:25,846

things we're going to talk about today.

86

00:05:25,846 --> 00:05:26,676

So that's good.

87

00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:31,960

speaking of things that you are excited

about, I know a lot of your writings

88

00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,085

focus on telling tales and storytelling.

89

00:05:35,385 --> 00:05:35,805

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Yes

90

00:05:36,390 --> 00:05:38,800

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

And I was hoping you could tell

91

00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:44,640

us what drew you to storytelling

as a way to get people to connect.

92

00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:47,549

Mm

93

00:05:47,558 --> 00:05:49,629

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

tell stories, people.

94

00:05:49,772 --> 00:05:52,032

visualize what you're talking about.

95

00:05:52,032 --> 00:05:56,192

They visualize the characters

and the scenes and they hear the

96

00:05:56,192 --> 00:06:00,702

language and they hear words that

maybe they haven't heard before.

97

00:06:00,998 --> 00:06:04,528

kind of an example of that

when I think of stories.

98

00:06:04,528 --> 00:06:08,498

I think of my grandmother who lived

next door to me and she was of Welsh

99

00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:11,578

background, very quiet, little baker.

100

00:06:11,878 --> 00:06:13,428

housekeeper woman.

101

00:06:14,318 --> 00:06:19,548

I would run over there because I just like

to escape and I like to chase her cat.

102

00:06:20,378 --> 00:06:25,138

the cat didn't like me so I would run

after the cat and meet my grandmother on

103

00:06:25,138 --> 00:06:29,898

the back porch and she would invite me to

a swing on the front porch with the cat.

104

00:06:30,678 --> 00:06:34,608

we would swing and she would

calm the cat and she would

105

00:06:34,608 --> 00:06:36,428

calm her little granddaughter.

106

00:06:36,838 --> 00:06:41,635

But she would tell stories about

Her background and she would use

107

00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:48,505

these terms like flibbertigibbet and

these Welsh words that I found to be

108

00:06:48,505 --> 00:06:53,555

fascinating and so I always wanted her

to tell me something about those words.

109

00:06:54,265 --> 00:06:59,537

so to me, stories have related

to me to comfortable times, to

110

00:06:59,792 --> 00:06:59,852

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

111

00:07:00,117 --> 00:07:04,327

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: when

I was very much loved and soothed by my

112

00:07:04,327 --> 00:07:06,977

grandmother, but also my extended family.

113

00:07:06,987 --> 00:07:08,977

I had a nice extended family.

114

00:07:10,512 --> 00:07:15,052

The idea of stories is that, we all

tell stories, that's what makes us

115

00:07:15,052 --> 00:07:20,732

human, because we can relate our

histories in a way that animals can't,

116

00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:25,730

Words also can be magical.

117

00:07:26,002 --> 00:07:33,152

The emotions related to those words

and the situations help us to develop

118

00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:38,412

a sense of how we relate to the world

and how we relate to other people.

119

00:07:39,012 --> 00:07:47,140

And so It presents us with a non

threatening way expressing ourselves

120

00:07:47,190 --> 00:07:52,030

without having to tell something

specific about our background

121

00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:53,960

or a problem we had that day.

122

00:07:53,980 --> 00:07:58,598

We can relate to it in another way

But in that way we can learn how

123

00:07:58,598 --> 00:08:03,498

to problem solve and how to think

through things, which helps build,

124

00:08:03,688 --> 00:08:05,708

particularly children, helps build

125

00:08:05,763 --> 00:08:05,773

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

126

00:08:05,773 --> 00:08:09,153

Mm hmm.

127

00:08:09,568 --> 00:08:11,458

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

without it being so threatening.

128

00:08:11,828 --> 00:08:16,128

Now we can talk about, a

bullying situation in a story.

129

00:08:16,838 --> 00:08:21,878

And the child doesn't have to relate to

us how they were bullied that day and

130

00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:27,298

how that made them cry and one of their

friends just teased them about that.

131

00:08:27,668 --> 00:08:31,838

We can relate to them with

this story and they can talk

132

00:08:31,848 --> 00:08:33,688

about, I didn't like that bully.

133

00:08:33,688 --> 00:08:37,227

I, I wish that he would

have done this or that.

134

00:08:37,248 --> 00:08:38,408

And I would.

135

00:08:38,828 --> 00:08:41,298

never want to be his friend again.

136

00:08:41,732 --> 00:08:42,373

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

137

00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,038

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

it's a little bit more abstract.

138

00:08:45,488 --> 00:08:50,468

And so that gives an opportunity to

talk and relate in a way that's non

139

00:08:50,468 --> 00:08:52,938

threatening, but very meaningful.

140

00:08:53,174 --> 00:08:55,504

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Yeah, and it sounds like especially the

141

00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:59,764

example with the child and the bullying,

it sounds like storytelling can be a

142

00:08:59,764 --> 00:09:02,814

way to tap into that self awareness

143

00:09:03,074 --> 00:09:03,854

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Absolutely.

144

00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:05,274

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

of how you're feeling.

145

00:09:05,574 --> 00:09:07,904

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

saying, what did you do or how did,

146

00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:08,414

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

147

00:09:08,414 --> 00:09:09,134

Mm

148

00:09:09,304 --> 00:09:11,274

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

But let's talk about this bully.

149

00:09:11,274 --> 00:09:14,254

what do you think should

happen with this situation?

150

00:09:14,624 --> 00:09:19,514

it gives a way to be a little bit

farther removed so that you're

151

00:09:19,514 --> 00:09:22,214

not so caught up in the emotions.

152

00:09:22,214 --> 00:09:28,424

You can relate to the emotions, but you're

not so caught up in them that you freeze.

153

00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,289

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

154

00:09:29,549 --> 00:09:31,209

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

what we do, when we get

155

00:09:31,239 --> 00:09:33,719

anxious or scared or stressed.

156

00:09:34,053 --> 00:09:35,553

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

I know the example was with a

157

00:09:35,553 --> 00:09:38,863

child and bullying, but is this

something for all ages, like with

158

00:09:38,863 --> 00:09:40,393

storytelling and the connection?

159

00:09:40,768 --> 00:09:42,318

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Oh, I think so, yeah.

160

00:09:42,578 --> 00:09:45,328

I mean, I think we relate to myths.

161

00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,459

sure you've heard of

the ugly duckling story

162

00:09:48,813 --> 00:09:49,083

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yes.

163

00:09:49,498 --> 00:09:52,344

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

that idea that sometimes we

164

00:09:52,344 --> 00:09:54,524

don't fit into a group and the

165

00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:54,999

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

166

00:09:54,999 --> 00:09:56,844

Mm.

167

00:09:56,844 --> 00:09:58,689

Mm

168

00:09:58,804 --> 00:10:01,694

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: and

yet that doesn't mean that we don't

169

00:10:01,704 --> 00:10:07,914

fit in with other groups and it's

a matter of, continuing on until we

170

00:10:07,914 --> 00:10:14,354

find that group or that commonality

that makes us feel comfortable.

171

00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:18,419

recognized and accepted.

172

00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,142

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

when you talk about problem solving

173

00:10:21,612 --> 00:10:28,039

and conflicts and maybe resolving

conflicts, is storytelling successful?

174

00:10:28,219 --> 00:10:31,216

And I know you said the word

removed, but is it sort of to help

175

00:10:31,216 --> 00:10:35,955

with emotional regulation in terms

of being able to convey how you're

176

00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:38,565

feeling without, self censoring?

177

00:10:38,865 --> 00:10:39,475

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

certainly.

178

00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:40,115

Yeah.

179

00:10:40,115 --> 00:10:44,393

And one of the ways the book

I've written, do you know how

180

00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,053

to talk with your young child?

181

00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:54,533

one of the ways that I look at censoring

is by using that four step approach

182

00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:59,797

that I, I talk about where If you

can engage a child in a conversation,

183

00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:05,868

if you can really set an intention

talk with your child at least 20

184

00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:10,528

minutes a week, but certainly more

than that would be wonderful, but,

185

00:11:10,528 --> 00:11:16,786

that quiet special time where you and

the child are just together, You do

186

00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:19,076

two things that are really important.

187

00:11:19,176 --> 00:11:22,486

One is that you get rid of the wiggles.

188

00:11:22,936 --> 00:11:27,116

And I don't mean wiggles for just the

child, I mean wiggles for the adult

189

00:11:27,116 --> 00:11:29,926

as well, because we build up tension.

190

00:11:29,926 --> 00:11:34,966

We go through the day kind of putting

on this facial mask of looking very

191

00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:40,776

interested or looking very serious

or looking very friendly, but then we

192

00:11:40,776 --> 00:11:47,526

come home, we perhaps need to relax

our face and just be who we are.

193

00:11:48,026 --> 00:11:52,736

We need to lower our shoulders because

most of us are sitting and texting

194

00:11:52,736 --> 00:11:56,546

like this for a lot of the day,

and so we might need to stretch our

195

00:11:56,546 --> 00:12:01,776

legs or whatever part of our bodies

have been stressed during the day.

196

00:12:01,836 --> 00:12:04,446

Little ones have been

running, jumping, playing.

197

00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,071

rolling around in the dirt.

198

00:12:07,321 --> 00:12:11,561

And so they too need

to get the wiggles out.

199

00:12:11,671 --> 00:12:12,361

And so part

200

00:12:12,661 --> 00:12:17,591

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Yeah,

201

00:12:18,141 --> 00:12:19,401

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

of stretching.

202

00:12:19,657 --> 00:12:25,955

And it could be just like, a yoga

where we stretch each arm over and

203

00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:33,225

stretch a couple of times, whatever

it is, the focus attention, and this

204

00:12:33,225 --> 00:12:41,670

is where much media the phone dinging,

the text, the, computer calling our

205

00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:48,742

name in some way, social media, have

shortened our attention spans.

206

00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:54,488

Social media is grand in lots of ways

but our attention spans are pulled in

207

00:12:54,488 --> 00:13:00,448

a variety of directions and so really

being able to work on attention span

208

00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:06,267

for just a moment that child or helps

that adult be able to turn off those

209

00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:09,557

things and do some deep breathing

210

00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:14,707

and it can be as simple as breathing

down into the belly, up into the

211

00:13:14,707 --> 00:13:20,477

chest, holding that for four counts,

and then releasing the chest.

212

00:13:20,902 --> 00:13:26,952

releasing the belly, squeezing the belly

in so that the diaphragm releases toxins,

213

00:13:27,778 --> 00:13:34,638

holding it out for a few counts, and doing

that a few times, and then even setting

214

00:13:34,638 --> 00:13:42,515

an intention after you've done that That's

a way of being able to cope with talking

215

00:13:42,515 --> 00:13:48,764

and problem solving in a way that's non

threatening and in a way that's genuine

216

00:13:49,035 --> 00:13:54,895

one thing that I talk about, in that whole

process of the four steps is to make that,

217

00:13:55,175 --> 00:13:58,783

a delight, to make that a special time.

218

00:13:59,891 --> 00:14:01,491

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

And I know you mentioned the, four

219

00:14:01,491 --> 00:14:06,171

step, approach to conversing and

connecting that you developed.

220

00:14:06,337 --> 00:14:09,677

could you actually take us

through what those four steps are?

221

00:14:09,877 --> 00:14:10,457

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Sure.

222

00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:12,457

the first one, would be the stretching.

223

00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:13,287

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

224

00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:16,577

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: in the

book, I have several different stories.

225

00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:21,107

And so with each one, I have different

stretches and different breathing

226

00:14:21,107 --> 00:14:23,137

techniques to focus attention.

227

00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:27,837

So the stretching would be the first one

to release muscle tension and, and to

228

00:14:27,837 --> 00:14:30,790

release tension and the stress of the day.

229

00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:34,728

And then the It looks like

you can relate to that.

230

00:14:35,028 --> 00:14:36,448

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I

231

00:14:36,623 --> 00:14:36,903

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: like,

232

00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:39,108

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

think a lot of people can.

233

00:14:39,118 --> 00:14:43,088

It's, it's the, especially since the

pandemic and a lot of people are working

234

00:14:43,088 --> 00:14:47,858

remotely and working at home, I hear a

lot where the decompression time that

235

00:14:47,858 --> 00:14:51,428

you would normally have at the end

of the day just isn't there anymore.

236

00:14:51,478 --> 00:14:53,811

so I think a lot of people

are struggling with that.

237

00:14:53,811 --> 00:14:55,790

I think a lot of people

can relate to that.

238

00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:58,040

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Well, I agree with you and it's

239

00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:02,681

interesting because I used to drive

about 10 miles to work and 10 miles

240

00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:05,331

back and that let me release tension.

241

00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:08,781

But if traffic was heavy, my

shoulders would come up around my

242

00:15:08,781 --> 00:15:13,201

ears and my hands would be on the

steering wheel gripped for a while.

243

00:15:13,431 --> 00:15:17,236

And so then, I would need to

stretch my fingers, and stretch

244

00:15:17,246 --> 00:15:19,326

my shoulders, and stretch my neck.

245

00:15:19,666 --> 00:15:23,506

And so those are the kinds of things

that I would do in that first step.

246

00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:28,513

And the second step would be

then, just focus our attention.

247

00:15:28,675 --> 00:15:34,263

And by that, I think about the term

mindfulness that we hear so much,

248

00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:39,559

and it can become meaningless when

we hear a term repeatedly, but when I

249

00:15:39,579 --> 00:15:46,499

think about mindfulness, I think about

being totally the spot where we're in.

250

00:15:46,669 --> 00:15:50,996

We are attention to the

person who's in front of us.

251

00:15:51,056 --> 00:15:53,686

We're paying attention

to our own feelings.

252

00:15:54,701 --> 00:16:00,336

We're not thinking about what

happened 10 minutes ago or yesterday.

253

00:16:00,346 --> 00:16:02,736

We're not thinking about what

we're going to do tomorrow.

254

00:16:03,156 --> 00:16:07,906

We're not thinking about the text that

just dinged on the phone or anything.

255

00:16:07,906 --> 00:16:09,936

We're right there.

256

00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:15,816

And it could be that, in that

step, we would do a deep breathing

257

00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:20,531

we would just sink into the

soles of our feet and just, ah.

258

00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:26,110

But, The, the real intention is

to just let go of those and then

259

00:16:26,180 --> 00:16:32,704

building that quiet space might

be to not have a set space that's

260

00:16:32,704 --> 00:16:35,314

set aside but that it's quiet.

261

00:16:35,324 --> 00:16:36,834

The TV is off.

262

00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:42,312

there aren't any, machines calling

your name And so that becomes

263

00:16:42,382 --> 00:16:46,012

a really rewarding place where

you're just paying attention.

264

00:16:46,357 --> 00:16:47,807

to talking.

265

00:16:48,827 --> 00:16:56,137

And then the story, the stories

that I write typically are tails.

266

00:16:56,638 --> 00:17:01,618

and by that I mean that they set up

a situation, and most of them have

267

00:17:01,618 --> 00:17:06,108

animals in them, and the animals talk,

or communicate with us in some way.

268

00:17:06,377 --> 00:17:11,749

they're setting up a situation like,

friendship, forgiveness, taking

269

00:17:11,749 --> 00:17:17,468

responsibility, being assertive,

dealing with jealousy, things like that,

270

00:17:17,708 --> 00:17:19,578

and so they're just kind of general.

271

00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:27,378

Themes, it's setting the groundwork,

the description, the visual the

272

00:17:27,388 --> 00:17:30,249

characters, and how they might feel.

273

00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:32,249

is there a problem?

274

00:17:32,606 --> 00:17:34,446

How would you deal with that problem?

275

00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:41,305

And so, when we talk about the step

about communicating, we're telling

276

00:17:41,305 --> 00:17:47,445

the story, and we're communicating

by using open ended questions.

277

00:17:47,755 --> 00:17:54,935

We're communicating by, not asking

why, because when we ask why questions,

278

00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,372

that can make someone feel defensive,

279

00:17:57,815 --> 00:17:58,255

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

280

00:17:58,428 --> 00:18:02,136

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: And

so we asked, tell me more about that?

281

00:18:02,589 --> 00:18:05,869

what else were you thinking

about in regard to that?

282

00:18:06,427 --> 00:18:11,435

But with the communication,

listening with your body.

283

00:18:11,826 --> 00:18:15,766

Now, by that I mean that

you listen with your eyes.

284

00:18:15,816 --> 00:18:20,268

You look that person and how

they're responding to you.

285

00:18:20,488 --> 00:18:21,918

Are they comfortable?

286

00:18:22,186 --> 00:18:23,666

Are they anxious?

287

00:18:23,946 --> 00:18:25,656

Are they jittery?

288

00:18:25,957 --> 00:18:28,147

You listen with your ears.

289

00:18:29,547 --> 00:18:31,877

You hear their voice tone.

290

00:18:32,507 --> 00:18:34,037

their, volume.

291

00:18:34,727 --> 00:18:39,165

what they're saying and the pauses

when they're not saying anything.

292

00:18:40,225 --> 00:18:42,905

you hear the rhythm of their voice.

293

00:18:42,945 --> 00:18:46,205

Is it slow and dull and worried?

294

00:18:47,650 --> 00:18:50,170

You listen with your heart.

295

00:18:50,858 --> 00:18:58,108

By that I mean that you project and

feel that love and acceptance and

296

00:18:58,108 --> 00:19:02,598

interest in somebody who's different

from you, even though they're your child

297

00:19:02,598 --> 00:19:05,088

loved one, or they're your employee.

298

00:19:06,008 --> 00:19:10,378

You're listening because

they're very different.

299

00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:16,523

they have different experiences

from you every single moment.

300

00:19:17,743 --> 00:19:22,166

And in your eyes, you let them know

that you really care about them.

301

00:19:23,173 --> 00:19:25,553

And want to hear what they have to say.

302

00:19:26,129 --> 00:19:29,899

you also listen with your

positioning, your posture.

303

00:19:30,489 --> 00:19:35,399

You want to look interested, so you

want to be relaxed, but you might lean

304

00:19:35,399 --> 00:19:40,100

forward if you want to hear the person,

if they're speaking quietly or, if

305

00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:44,750

you both feel comfortable, you might

want to be close and touch hands or

306

00:19:45,070 --> 00:19:50,180

touch one another lightly, it depends

on the relationship that you have.

307

00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:57,358

And so, those are ways that I think

about, That third step of communication,

308

00:19:57,718 --> 00:20:04,208

the fourth step is simply engaging and

willing to share something about how you

309

00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:10,105

see the story or how you're interested in

their answers and what that might be like.

310

00:20:10,545 --> 00:20:16,883

that's the engagement and the engagement

is a long term process, that building

311

00:20:16,893 --> 00:20:27,415

over time, the respect and, the trust in

one another you want to be able to allow

312

00:20:27,495 --> 00:20:35,441

people that you interact with to you

and you want them to know that you them.

313

00:20:36,396 --> 00:20:38,266

and respect their thoughts.

314

00:20:38,346 --> 00:20:45,806

If, you disagree, you can disagree, it's

fine, you both are different people and

315

00:20:45,806 --> 00:20:47,986

you might not see things the same way.

316

00:20:48,356 --> 00:20:50,516

Those are basically the four steps,

317

00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:51,076

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

especially

318

00:20:51,186 --> 00:20:55,976

at step two, when it's more like

crafting the story, do you feel

319

00:20:55,976 --> 00:20:58,266

that everybody can craft a story?

320

00:20:58,266 --> 00:21:00,056

That everybody can be a storyteller?

321

00:21:00,566 --> 00:21:05,174

And I asked that because when I was

working in advertising earlier in my

322

00:21:05,174 --> 00:21:08,874

career, that's kind of what always,

people always try to get to the story,

323

00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:10,644

what's the story we're trying to tell.

324

00:21:10,964 --> 00:21:13,104

And sometimes people would be

like, I don't really have a story.

325

00:21:13,104 --> 00:21:14,334

I'm not a good storyteller.

326

00:21:15,084 --> 00:21:19,644

And when listening to those four

steps, it seems like anybody could

327

00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:24,924

have a story or anybody can, craft

that story in terms of a connection.

328

00:21:25,594 --> 00:21:28,304

And I was wondering what

your take is on that.

329

00:21:28,304 --> 00:21:33,124

Do you feel that anybody can

tell a story or what makes a good

330

00:21:33,574 --> 00:21:35,704

story that helps with connection?

331

00:21:35,705 --> 00:21:38,111

Absolutely.

332

00:21:38,111 --> 00:21:42,924

And I'm

333

00:21:43,274 --> 00:21:49,334

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: And

so I think that people can tell stories

334

00:21:49,424 --> 00:21:56,284

in the sense that They can relate, even

if they can't craft and develop a story

335

00:21:56,284 --> 00:22:03,664

on their own, they can find stories

that have themes in them that might be

336

00:22:03,664 --> 00:22:09,824

helpful for a conversation or, for a

business proposition or what have you.

337

00:22:09,824 --> 00:22:15,344

So you don't have to be, creative

person, I think you can find

338

00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,994

stories that, that might relate.

339

00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:24,004

and that can be very helpful and

very powerful, but, There are

340

00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:30,564

marvelous stories in every culture

that hit on those emotional themes

341

00:22:30,664 --> 00:22:34,624

that people have across cultures.

342

00:22:34,624 --> 00:22:37,854

They use different language,

they use different characters,

343

00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:40,664

but the themes are similar.

344

00:22:41,164 --> 00:22:46,134

And I think we can use those and

be very powerful in that regard.

345

00:22:48,104 --> 00:22:49,964

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

glad that you gave that as an example,

346

00:22:49,974 --> 00:22:53,794

because I actually was going to ask you

when we're thinking about the four steps,

347

00:22:53,804 --> 00:22:58,484

how they can be applied to strengthen

whether it's personal relationships,

348

00:22:58,484 --> 00:23:02,517

whether it's work relationships,

family, friends, can those steps be

349

00:23:02,517 --> 00:23:04,627

applied in all of those situations?

350

00:23:05,597 --> 00:23:08,747

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: I

think that the stretching, you know,

351

00:23:08,747 --> 00:23:12,827

if you're going to a cocktail party and

you don't know anybody, you can buzz

352

00:23:12,827 --> 00:23:19,137

in the bathroom and just stretch and

release that tension and take a few

353

00:23:19,137 --> 00:23:21,047

nice breaths and say, I can do this.

354

00:23:22,137 --> 00:23:25,767

I can calm down and I can

relate to people because.

355

00:23:26,902 --> 00:23:35,572

I am going to mindfully go in that room,

and I am going to relate to a few people,

356

00:23:35,602 --> 00:23:38,972

and I am going to pay attention to them.

357

00:23:39,732 --> 00:23:42,542

I'm going to listen with my whole body.

358

00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:50,524

I'm going to Perhaps even tell a little

story about my day so it gives me a

359

00:23:50,524 --> 00:23:59,373

way to Converse, but it's not magic and

it's not Hokey, it's being Real with the

360

00:23:59,373 --> 00:24:04,433

person that you're in front of one of

the examples that I give in my book It

361

00:24:04,433 --> 00:24:11,100

talks about feel like it's a gift and I'm

sure you've had this situation yourself

362

00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:18,800

where you've engaged in a conversation

with somebody and you feel like you are

363

00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:25,420

the only person in the room because that

person is attending to you and they're

364

00:24:25,490 --> 00:24:32,513

interested and they're Asking relevant

questions but they're really focused on

365

00:24:32,533 --> 00:24:38,543

interacting with you as an interesting,

different person than they themselves are.

366

00:24:38,933 --> 00:24:44,723

And it is A wonderful experience

and very memorable because

367

00:24:44,723 --> 00:24:46,163

we don't always get that.

368

00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:49,543

You know, we have people talking to

us and they're looking to see who

369

00:24:49,543 --> 00:24:54,183

else is in the room So I think it's

such a gift to be able to do that.

370

00:24:54,193 --> 00:24:59,123

And I think it is absolutely

something that can be done by,

371

00:24:59,383 --> 00:25:02,609

people in, social settings.

372

00:25:02,974 --> 00:25:05,144

in professional settings.

373

00:25:05,524 --> 00:25:09,984

And I think that when we do that

in a professional setting, the

374

00:25:09,984 --> 00:25:15,134

employee who Never really settles

and never really pays attention.

375

00:25:15,689 --> 00:25:18,809

They're just busy thinking

about where they need to go

376

00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:20,499

next or what's on their desk.

377

00:25:20,509 --> 00:25:25,399

They're not really interacting

individually with the people in their

378

00:25:25,399 --> 00:25:32,069

meeting or with their supervisor or with

their colleagues or their supervisees.

379

00:25:32,869 --> 00:25:35,239

so I think it's very appropriate for that.

380

00:25:35,934 --> 00:25:38,364

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Yeah, and I'm wondering, how does

381

00:25:38,364 --> 00:25:42,934

it work in today's world where we

are living in such a digital world,

382

00:25:43,664 --> 00:25:49,444

and the face to face interaction is

not as frequent as it used to be?

383

00:25:49,824 --> 00:25:55,334

How do we still foster these principles

to form these genuine connections?

384

00:25:56,171 --> 00:25:57,071

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

It's interesting.

385

00:25:57,501 --> 00:25:59,091

That's a challenge to me.

386

00:25:59,251 --> 00:26:05,271

But but it's interesting as I right

now, because I was used to working for

387

00:26:05,691 --> 00:26:10,831

3040 years where I could walk down this

down the hallway and see my colleagues

388

00:26:10,831 --> 00:26:13,061

and talk to them and problem solve.

389

00:26:13,561 --> 00:26:21,878

But now that I'm writing and I have

begun to interact with groups of writers

390

00:26:21,948 --> 00:26:24,588

online and they're from all over.

391

00:26:25,024 --> 00:26:34,783

They make an effort to show up, share

what they're doing, ask what other people

392

00:26:34,783 --> 00:26:37,343

are doing, and give or take advice.

393

00:26:37,343 --> 00:26:41,683

I have to take a lot of advice

because I'm new to this.

394

00:26:42,131 --> 00:26:43,241

it can be done.

395

00:26:43,533 --> 00:26:49,261

but it takes attention just turning

off the text and things like that

396

00:26:49,261 --> 00:26:54,081

so that you're not drawn away to

other things while you're trying to

397

00:26:54,111 --> 00:26:56,711

connect online is important, I think.

398

00:26:57,131 --> 00:26:57,581

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

I agree.

399

00:26:57,581 --> 00:27:01,021

I think it's definitely challenging,

but it can be done with effort.

400

00:27:01,611 --> 00:27:07,351

I've noticed that even something in

terms of, giving the space and the

401

00:27:07,351 --> 00:27:10,224

patience and I think it's important

for us to hear someone's story and

402

00:27:10,224 --> 00:27:12,144

not make judgments or assumptions.

403

00:27:12,654 --> 00:27:18,124

even if it's through text social media

or a video call or something like that.

404

00:27:18,124 --> 00:27:20,734

I know we're, we're in this world.

405

00:27:21,144 --> 00:27:27,304

Of instant gratification, and we

like to rush things, and so we make

406

00:27:27,304 --> 00:27:30,714

assumptions when somebody's talking or

assume what point they're trying to make

407

00:27:30,714 --> 00:27:32,344

before they even say a point, and so

408

00:27:32,644 --> 00:27:32,974

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: hmm,

409

00:27:33,274 --> 00:27:35,175

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

think, in the digital world,

410

00:27:35,205 --> 00:27:38,035

it's good to just be patient.

411

00:27:38,454 --> 00:27:40,474

and present, like you're saying,

412

00:27:40,774 --> 00:27:40,944

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: mm

413

00:27:41,144 --> 00:27:43,594

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

just mindful of paying attention

414

00:27:43,614 --> 00:27:45,134

and not trying to rush.

415

00:27:45,454 --> 00:27:45,574

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: mm

416

00:27:45,924 --> 00:27:47,964

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

And I, I think that's difficult for some

417

00:27:47,964 --> 00:27:53,125

people, but I think with some effort that

can definitely help with fostering those,

418

00:27:53,597 --> 00:27:58,048

relationships and connection because

you're actually listening and responding

419

00:27:58,058 --> 00:28:02,218

appropriately to what you've, and then I'm

going to say, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, um,

420

00:28:02,218 --> 00:28:06,035

uh, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

421

00:28:06,394 --> 00:28:09,614

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: that

idea that there's a sender and a receiver.

422

00:28:10,404 --> 00:28:17,084

the sender has a message and the

receiver hears a message, but the

423

00:28:17,084 --> 00:28:20,804

receiver might not have heard the

message the sender was sending.

424

00:28:21,914 --> 00:28:26,774

The sender's responsibility is

to check and make sure that the

425

00:28:26,864 --> 00:28:28,964

message was received as intended.

426

00:28:29,595 --> 00:28:33,475

or the receiver can check and

say, Is this what you meant?

427

00:28:33,965 --> 00:28:38,725

And that's what you were

describing, but it's not verbal.

428

00:28:38,845 --> 00:28:40,535

It's not face to face.

429

00:28:40,755 --> 00:28:46,445

And so many, I think, disagreements

started or hurt feelings

430

00:28:46,445 --> 00:28:48,405

or whatever through email.

431

00:28:48,805 --> 00:28:54,055

Because some people aren't,

aren't real good at expressing

432

00:28:54,215 --> 00:28:56,575

what they really mean by writing.

433

00:28:56,954 --> 00:29:03,860

but I think that, reflective, receiving

information is really important.

434

00:29:04,020 --> 00:29:06,690

And as you say, it takes time.

435

00:29:06,690 --> 00:29:07,885

But.

436

00:29:08,144 --> 00:29:13,444

The time is worth it because we

want to communicate effectively.

437

00:29:14,188 --> 00:29:19,898

in your core happiness program,

you want people to be happy with

438

00:29:19,898 --> 00:29:21,818

themselves and with other people.

439

00:29:21,878 --> 00:29:23,138

that takes time.

440

00:29:23,624 --> 00:29:29,844

If we just take for granted that whatever

the person said they meant, we could get

441

00:29:29,844 --> 00:29:37,178

a whole lot of Difficulty with that, hurt

feelings, and miscommunication altogether,

442

00:29:37,404 --> 00:29:39,134

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I

want to go back to that because I'm hoping

443

00:29:39,134 --> 00:29:46,144

you can explain more about the concept

of expanding the spiral of communication

444

00:29:46,144 --> 00:29:52,856

and relationships and how that can

be effective in our day to day lives.

445

00:29:53,056 --> 00:29:57,996

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: It's

just a term that I thought of as I was

446

00:29:58,277 --> 00:30:05,174

talking about communication, and that

listening to people if they're unique.

447

00:30:05,393 --> 00:30:08,993

as if they're a person that

you've never met before.

448

00:30:08,993 --> 00:30:13,043

Maybe they're from a different planet

and you're really interested in how

449

00:30:13,083 --> 00:30:17,303

they, think and what they say and

what they eat for dinner and whatnot.

450

00:30:17,933 --> 00:30:27,093

And so you do that, you're showing that

person that you really their uniqueness.

451

00:30:27,466 --> 00:30:32,656

as you're willing to do the reflective

listening that we talked about in either

452

00:30:32,656 --> 00:30:41,502

in terms of writing or in hearing, we

are actually building trust respect.

453

00:30:41,735 --> 00:30:43,155

We're respecting them.

454

00:30:43,255 --> 00:30:45,455

They're respecting our fairness.

455

00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,950

They can trust us because if we

misunderstand, we're going to

456

00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:56,626

check with them But over time it

can build because if that person

457

00:30:56,626 --> 00:31:01,729

who's listening misunderstands,

but they're willing to hear.

458

00:31:01,841 --> 00:31:06,015

A clarification, that

begins to build trust.

459

00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:12,769

if you misunderstood them and you're

clarifying that You're helping them

460

00:31:12,899 --> 00:31:16,579

to solve their problems in listening.

461

00:31:17,489 --> 00:31:18,142

communicating.

462

00:31:18,999 --> 00:31:23,399

And so giving them more language to use.

463

00:31:23,629 --> 00:31:27,559

For example, for a young child or

maybe for a new employee, you're

464

00:31:27,559 --> 00:31:33,999

giving them more language to use that's

more fine tuned to that industry,

465

00:31:34,379 --> 00:31:37,239

that market that they're working in.

466

00:31:38,109 --> 00:31:43,209

so that builds that sense of trust

and it helps them build confidence.

467

00:31:43,964 --> 00:31:45,924

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

I love the fact that it's

468

00:31:45,924 --> 00:31:47,674

touching on building trust.

469

00:31:48,104 --> 00:31:52,028

I think that is, the foundation

of any successful relationship,

470

00:31:52,226 --> 00:31:56,072

I'm wondering for anyone

who's struggling with.

471

00:31:56,283 --> 00:32:01,358

Connection, whether it's with a family

member, a friend, a colleague, what is

472

00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:08,100

one small but yet powerful step that

they could take today to help with that?

473

00:32:08,924 --> 00:32:12,520

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

I think the one small step would

474

00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:16,164

be to take that deep belly breath.

475

00:32:16,199 --> 00:32:22,596

Just before interacting let that sink

through the soles of the feet so that

476

00:32:22,596 --> 00:32:27,811

person is grounded, their lungs are

getting rid of toxins, their brain

477

00:32:27,811 --> 00:32:35,467

is nourished with oxygen, then they

can say, I am ready to work on this.

478

00:32:35,822 --> 00:32:36,522

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

479

00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:39,226

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Because if they are present

480

00:32:39,513 --> 00:32:44,800

there's far greater chance that

some understanding will be reached

481

00:32:45,250 --> 00:32:47,143

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

482

00:32:47,143 --> 00:32:49,690

Mm hmm.

483

00:32:49,726 --> 00:32:51,266

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

Or they, and they're, or they're

484

00:32:51,266 --> 00:32:56,126

saying to themselves all of those

catastrophic thoughts that, Oh

485

00:32:56,126 --> 00:32:58,036

no, this is not going to go well.

486

00:32:58,816 --> 00:33:00,056

never get along.

487

00:33:00,236 --> 00:33:02,316

This person never understands me.

488

00:33:02,316 --> 00:33:07,877

And so that makes it so, because

only there in a difficult situation.

489

00:33:08,307 --> 00:33:09,187

situation

490

00:33:09,364 --> 00:33:09,714

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

491

00:33:09,784 --> 00:33:10,564

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

mind's eye.

492

00:33:10,809 --> 00:33:15,483

So if they can calm and they can

be grounded, have a much better

493

00:33:15,483 --> 00:33:17,683

chance of relating effectively.

494

00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,143

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

That's beautiful.

495

00:33:19,213 --> 00:33:26,033

I love that because I think so many people

are, anxiety is a big thing nowadays.

496

00:33:26,033 --> 00:33:29,463

I mean, we just are living in a

world where there are a lot of

497

00:33:29,463 --> 00:33:31,703

things that people are anxious

about, and rightfully so.

498

00:33:32,143 --> 00:33:37,303

But I think that is very important because

I think a lot of us, because there's

499

00:33:37,313 --> 00:33:43,263

just so much anxiety, there's overwhelm,

stress, we, are often in a more closed

500

00:33:43,263 --> 00:33:45,903

off state than we usually would be.

501

00:33:46,293 --> 00:33:50,673

And so when we have that centering

breath and we are grounding ourselves,

502

00:33:50,673 --> 00:33:53,503

I think that opens us up to receive.

503

00:33:54,260 --> 00:33:58,350

So if somebody is communicating,

we're able to receive better.

504

00:33:58,650 --> 00:34:02,560

And I think that we're able to communicate

better because we're coming more from

505

00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:03,950

a place of calm, like you've said.

506

00:34:03,950 --> 00:34:05,770

So I think that that's beautiful.

507

00:34:06,070 --> 00:34:08,820

One of the things that I wanted to

talk about, I know we talked about

508

00:34:08,820 --> 00:34:12,610

this a little bit, but you created

a free resource for the listeners

509

00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:16,469

to download, which was the relating

effectively with your child.

510

00:34:16,469 --> 00:34:19,844

And we talked about it a little bit

at the beginning of the episode, but

511

00:34:19,844 --> 00:34:25,380

I wanted to bring it up again, because

I know that some people They struggle

512

00:34:25,380 --> 00:34:29,837

connecting with their children and I

know we talked a little bit about things

513

00:34:29,847 --> 00:34:34,117

that they could do in terms of the

connecting and play and quiet times like

514

00:34:34,117 --> 00:34:38,231

going through those four steps, but can

you take us through just some common

515

00:34:38,231 --> 00:34:43,460

communication mistakes that you have

seen parents make with their children

516

00:34:43,469 --> 00:34:46,344

that should just be cautious to avoid.

517

00:34:46,359 --> 00:34:47,775

Mm hmm.

518

00:34:47,775 --> 00:34:49,194

Mm hmm.

519

00:34:49,194 --> 00:34:50,610

Mm hmm.

520

00:34:50,610 --> 00:34:52,029

Mm hmm.

521

00:34:52,359 --> 00:34:55,809

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: It talks

about three different ways of parenting

522

00:34:56,049 --> 00:35:02,994

and one of them is the authoritative

parent who is, it's my way or the highway,

523

00:35:03,203 --> 00:35:09,602

and one of them is that parent who

wants to be a friend with the child and

524

00:35:09,612 --> 00:35:15,017

doesn't want create any boundaries at

all, which can be equally as devastating.

525

00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:20,989

And the third type, which is the one

where children , are most in school,

526

00:35:21,079 --> 00:35:25,099

they get better grades, they have

better social skills and whatnot,

527

00:35:25,349 --> 00:35:32,679

is that parent who has some clear

boundaries, but they are very loving.

528

00:35:32,926 --> 00:35:39,596

and they expect their child to talk with

them about the boundaries and understand

529

00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:45,766

them, but they're not punitive and

they're, they're again that parent who,

530

00:35:45,936 --> 00:35:52,146

who talks and understands what their

child is dealing with and who they are.

531

00:35:52,373 --> 00:35:54,843

Actually, they're not

the little me who will

532

00:35:55,143 --> 00:35:55,643

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Right.

533

00:35:55,923 --> 00:35:56,803

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

as I say.

534

00:35:56,968 --> 00:36:04,458

I know a lot of young parents who have

children in elementary to middle school

535

00:36:04,518 --> 00:36:10,433

and they're, deeply trying, but they work

a full time job and they have a child or

536

00:36:10,433 --> 00:36:17,796

two or and they believe that everything

is That their child wants to do and

537

00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:23,076

things that other people's children want

to do should be what they're involved in.

538

00:36:23,332 --> 00:36:28,936

many dance groups, sports teams

other kinds of clubs and things.

539

00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:32,437

And so what happens is that

every evening they're, picking

540

00:36:32,437 --> 00:36:35,907

up their child from school and

they're running them to an event.

541

00:36:36,247 --> 00:36:40,997

And then they're driving through a fast

food restaurant, dinner in the car.

542

00:36:41,261 --> 00:36:44,841

And then they come home and they

do a bit of homework and the

543

00:36:44,841 --> 00:36:46,781

child has a bath and goes to bed.

544

00:36:47,364 --> 00:36:50,279

That's well meaning, and it's okay.

545

00:36:50,279 --> 00:36:55,540

I think children really need to expand

their ability and understand, what they

546

00:36:55,540 --> 00:36:57,500

like to do and what they're good at.

547

00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:03,090

, but for parents, I think that one is

one that if you, if they can slow down.

548

00:37:03,673 --> 00:37:09,068

again, just because there are all

these things that are available, maybe

549

00:37:09,158 --> 00:37:15,726

we need to take some time to interact

with them and let them relax, teach

550

00:37:15,966 --> 00:37:24,135

them some ways of relaxing being calm

and thinking critically and planning

551

00:37:24,495 --> 00:37:27,105

some little projects that they would do.

552

00:37:27,345 --> 00:37:31,906

That's another part of the book Planning

some projects that a parent would

553

00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:37,993

do with a child, at home, maybe it's

just drawing a picture of one of the

554

00:37:37,993 --> 00:37:42,443

characters in their story that you're

going to hang on the, the refrigerator.

555

00:37:42,948 --> 00:37:43,358

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Mm hmm.

556

00:37:43,498 --> 00:37:45,418

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

What materials do you want?

557

00:37:45,598 --> 00:37:47,628

What kind of paper will you use?

558

00:37:48,028 --> 00:37:50,878

Maybe one of them is about a, a bird.

559

00:37:50,928 --> 00:37:55,478

And so, oh, I wonder what it would

be like to put a bird feeder out?

560

00:37:55,628 --> 00:37:57,258

What would we need for that?

561

00:37:57,558 --> 00:37:59,088

Can we make a bird feeder?

562

00:37:59,358 --> 00:38:04,778

So that again, we begin to help

that child begin critical thinking,

563

00:38:05,388 --> 00:38:10,295

is a way of planning something,

cooperating with somebody,

564

00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:13,695

organizing materials, follow through.

565

00:38:14,025 --> 00:38:14,655

Follow

566

00:38:14,830 --> 00:38:14,840

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm.

567

00:38:15,025 --> 00:38:17,585

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

is a big deal in critical thinking.

568

00:38:18,065 --> 00:38:21,194

And it's not as receptive

as you're supposed to be.

569

00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:26,492

and being on a team where maybe

you don't play very well anyway and

570

00:38:26,492 --> 00:38:30,220

you sit on the bench, but you're

just there, you know, because it's

571

00:38:30,220 --> 00:38:32,140

something that other people are doing.

572

00:38:33,187 --> 00:38:37,837

again, it's like thinking about the

child as an individual and helping

573

00:38:37,837 --> 00:38:41,467

them develop these individual

skills that might, you know, be

574

00:38:41,467 --> 00:38:43,557

very helpful to them in the future.

575

00:38:43,818 --> 00:38:46,108

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

Yeah, and then you also have another

576

00:38:46,118 --> 00:38:50,308

book coming out in a couple of

months, I think, don't you, as the

577

00:38:50,308 --> 00:38:55,098

that's focused on self help for

techniques for caregivers as well?

578

00:38:55,433 --> 00:38:56,283

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

yeah, I do.

579

00:38:56,593 --> 00:38:58,233

Thank you for reminding me.

580

00:38:58,513 --> 00:39:01,773

The working title is Beat a Retreat.

581

00:39:02,368 --> 00:39:02,378

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Hmm.

582

00:39:02,378 --> 00:39:05,733

Mm hmm.

583

00:39:05,733 --> 00:39:09,088

Mm hmm.

584

00:39:09,229 --> 00:39:11,630

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

where people who are caregivers, maybe

585

00:39:11,630 --> 00:39:14,260

for children, maybe for unhealthy.

586

00:39:14,378 --> 00:39:21,210

Family members or for elderly family

members, have a full time consideration,

587

00:39:21,396 --> 00:39:26,146

and it's stressful because not only

are they dealing with their own issues,

588

00:39:26,176 --> 00:39:30,716

but they're dealing with the A lot of

other issues for another person, at

589

00:39:30,716 --> 00:39:33,206

least one other person, maybe a couple.

590

00:39:34,386 --> 00:39:38,596

then they're also dealing

with the possibilities of what

591

00:39:38,606 --> 00:39:40,606

might happen if, if they fail.

592

00:39:41,651 --> 00:39:44,178

there's also that self critical piece.

593

00:39:44,328 --> 00:39:45,938

But, they don't have time.

594

00:39:46,203 --> 00:39:48,783

To go to a retreat center.

595

00:39:48,873 --> 00:39:53,073

They don't have the money,

possibly, because worrying about

596

00:39:53,073 --> 00:39:54,543

health care costs and things

597

00:39:54,573 --> 00:39:55,093

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm

598

00:39:56,037 --> 00:40:00,427

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: the B

to retreat is ways of, on a daily basis,

599

00:40:00,497 --> 00:40:07,057

choosing the self help Kinds of things

like some of the exercises from yoga and

600

00:40:07,067 --> 00:40:09,527

tai chi and qigong that are soothing.

601

00:40:09,987 --> 00:40:14,077

Maybe not a full practice, but

things that one could do and repeat

602

00:40:14,267 --> 00:40:16,017

that just, ah, they feel so good.

603

00:40:16,717 --> 00:40:22,017

Or, different ways of breathing that,

that can relax when one is worried.

604

00:40:22,387 --> 00:40:23,947

Self massage.

605

00:40:24,252 --> 00:40:29,702

that can be used on hands and

feet, particularly neck, scalp,

606

00:40:30,182 --> 00:40:34,822

but they're also wonderful to share

with the person you're caring for.

607

00:40:35,264 --> 00:40:36,801

those are some issues.

608

00:40:36,901 --> 00:40:40,391

Some skin care just a variety of things.

609

00:40:40,411 --> 00:40:44,141

These are things that I've, I've

written about in my blogs over the

610

00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:50,731

years to give people ways of, well,

meditation and visualization you

611

00:40:50,731 --> 00:40:56,123

know, a gratitude journal or just

a variety of things like that.

612

00:40:56,378 --> 00:41:03,000

But those kinds of ways of bringing

joy into your life in an inexpensive,

613

00:41:03,359 --> 00:41:07,479

way that it doesn't take you through

the airport, and you don't need a

614

00:41:07,479 --> 00:41:12,739

passport, and you don't need a chunk

of money to pay for in advance, and you

615

00:41:12,739 --> 00:41:15,179

don't need to get vacation time off.

616

00:41:15,489 --> 00:41:19,989

that's kind of, that's the, the tongue

in cheek kind of beater retreat kind

617

00:41:20,149 --> 00:41:20,899

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

love that.

618

00:41:21,499 --> 00:41:24,789

I know a lot of people can

benefit from techniques like that.

619

00:41:24,799 --> 00:41:26,389

So that's fantastic.

620

00:41:27,261 --> 00:41:29,206

Do you have, Right.

621

00:41:29,206 --> 00:41:36,946

And so we will see you next I love that.

622

00:41:36,946 --> 00:41:39,340

I love that.

623

00:41:39,340 --> 00:41:40,137

so

624

00:41:40,233 --> 00:41:43,453

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

treating each person that you encounter,

625

00:41:43,883 --> 00:41:51,057

a store clerk, guy who's pushing all the

carts in from Costco or wherever, that

626

00:41:51,067 --> 00:41:58,447

person as if they're special unique,

and just finding that when you do that,

627

00:41:58,657 --> 00:42:00,707

You get greeted back the same way.

628

00:42:00,707 --> 00:42:01,847

It's just lovely.

629

00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:07,207

It's such a gift and it's such a surprise

because so many times when we're out and

630

00:42:07,217 --> 00:42:13,461

about we feel invisible and so we can do

with total strangers as well as people

631

00:42:13,461 --> 00:42:16,731

we really care for and it brings us joy.

632

00:42:19,212 --> 00:42:20,532

squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322:

much for joining us.

633

00:42:20,532 --> 00:42:23,971

Bye.

634

00:42:24,152 --> 00:42:24,172

Bye.

635

00:42:24,407 --> 00:42:25,537

suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321:

appreciate it.

636

00:42:26,627 --> 00:42:29,417

To our core happiness

listeners, all of Dr.

637

00:42:29,417 --> 00:42:33,257

Lewis's contact information will

be listed in the show notes as

638

00:42:33,257 --> 00:42:36,557

well as a link to the free download

as well as her upcoming book.

639

00:42:38,727 --> 00:42:40,257

I thank you for joining me today.

640

00:42:40,409 --> 00:42:43,700

If you enjoyed this podcast, please

feel free to rate it or leave a review.

641

00:42:43,872 --> 00:42:47,022

If you have any thoughts or questions,

I would love to hear from you.

642

00:42:47,197 --> 00:42:50,557

You can email podcast core happiness.com.

643

00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:52,777

For show notes and additional resources.

644

00:42:52,810 --> 00:42:56,800

You can visit www.corehappiness.com.

645

00:42:58,039 --> 00:43:02,809

as always, please remember, never

let anyone diminish your light.

646

00:43:03,379 --> 00:43:05,539

Until next time, sending you my love.

Share Episode

Shownotes

Transcripts

Follow

Links

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube