Why do we struggle to make peace, even when it's what we want most? Professor Chad Ford joins us to explore the roots of conflict and the power of “dangerous love,” a courageous, empathetic approach to healing divisions. From family rifts to global disputes, Chad’s stories and strategies reveal how fear shapes our reactions, why justice must be about restoration, and how anyone can become a peacemaker. This episode offers real-life examples and actionable insights for anyone seeking more harmony in their relationships and communities.
Chad Ford is an international conflict mediator, facilitator, and peace educator known for his extensive peacebuilding work around the world. He holds a Master’s in Conflict Analysis and Resolution from George Mason University and a JD from Georgetown. He directed the David O. McKay Center for Intercultural Understanding at BYU–Hawaii for nearly twenty years, where he developed programs in intercultural peacebuilding. In 2024, Chad joined Utah State University, teaching courses on religion, peace, and mediation.
He has worked in conflict zones globally, facilitated for governments, NGOs, and corporations, and serves on the board of Peace Players International. Chad is the author of Dangerous Love and 70x7, books that explore transforming conflict and Christian peacebuilding. His hands-on experience gives him a unique perspective on resolving conflicts in families, organizations, and communities worldwide.
Chad Ford’s Book, Dangerous Love:
Chad's Substack:
https://chadford.substack.com/
PeacePlayers International – Bridging Divides Through Sports:
Mary Kawena Pukui and the Preservation of Hawaiian Culture:
https://www.missingwitches.com/mary-kawena-pukui-morrnah-simeona-a-unified-unifying-force/
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Aaron - Interview: How's your family adjusting to Utah?
Speaker:Because that's a big switch from Hawaii, especially after being there so long.
Chad Ford:This is the first time we've had air conditioning in 20 years.
Chad Ford:Uh, so, um, that, that has been very, very popular, especially with
Chad Ford:my teenage girls who are excited to not be sweaty all the time.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Interview: Yeah.
Chad Ford:Yeah, I don't blame them.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: Hi, I'm Aaron Miller, and this is How to Help, a
Chad Ford:podcast about having a life and career with meaning, integrity, and impact.
Chad Ford:This is season three, episode two, Peacemaking.
Chad Ford:Now, I'll take a moment to say that you may be new to our show.
Chad Ford:How to Help is proud to join the family of BYU Radio podcasts.
Chad Ford:We hope you'll listen to all that we have to share in the episodes to come.
Chad Ford:Imagine going to see the newest Tom Cruise action movie.
Chad Ford:I think he's now up to Mission Impossible Eight, due to come out next year.
Chad Ford:Well, near the end of the movie, we're imagining his character finally
Chad Ford:comes face-to-face with the villain.
Chad Ford:Cruise probably has a limp at this point because of all the
Chad Ford:intense action before this.
Chad Ford:They sit down across from each other in a corporate boardroom.
Chad Ford:On the top floor of a massive skyscraper.
Chad Ford:Something tells you that cruise is gonna jump from one of those
Chad Ford:windows in the very near future.
Chad Ford:And then the conversation begins.
Chad Ford:This is the one where the villain typically makes this case of
Chad Ford:why so many people need to die, or why governments need to be
Chad Ford:brought to their knees, and so on.
Chad Ford:And then you'd expect Cruise to deliver a pithy one-liner, that's followed by a
Chad Ford:fight to the villain's inevitable death.
Chad Ford:Whatever disaster was looming, will be averted with obviously
Chad Ford:just one second to spare.
Chad Ford:But what if that's not what happened?
Chad Ford:What if they just, you know, worked it out?
Chad Ford:What if whatever old grudge was at the heart of this conflict was laid
Chad Ford:out and both men found a way to come to some sort of shared understanding?
Chad Ford:There could be a whole montage of them sharing their feelings and
Chad Ford:concerns, apologizing tearfully for their mistakes, finally in the end
Chad Ford:seeing eye-to-eye, and they decide to embrace each other in a big hug.
Chad Ford:The villain would then stand down his evil plans, and then the two of them would
Chad Ford:spend years together as best friends.
Chad Ford:I mean, be honest.
Chad Ford:Would you even want to see this movie?
Chad Ford:I don't think many people would.
Chad Ford:There's only ever really one story in action movies.
Chad Ford:It's the story of good vanquishing evil, and that's what we go to see.
Chad Ford:Of course, there's plenty of conflict and difficulty along the way, and
Chad Ford:that's where the action comes in.
Chad Ford:And I mean, some of Tom Cruise's stunts are truly incredible.
Chad Ford:He rode a motorcycle off a cliff in the last one, but if the movie
Chad Ford:ended with anything other than evil's defeat, I think we'd all leave the
Chad Ford:theater feeling really unsatisfied.
Chad Ford:Of course, we want peace restored at the end, but what we really want is justice.
Chad Ford:The villain has to lose, not just come around.
Chad Ford:We like peace, but only after victory.
Chad Ford:As much as we like peace, we're also easily entertained by conflict.
Chad Ford:Consider the state of reality television.
Chad Ford:There's a reason for having a Real Housewives show that takes
Chad Ford:place in, and this is a long list.
Chad Ford:Orange County, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey, DC, Beverly Hills, Miami, Potomac,
Chad Ford:Dallas, Salt Lake City, and Dubai.
Chad Ford:There's no shortage of people who can be terrible to each other and no lack of an
Chad Ford:audience excited to watch it all happen.
Chad Ford:But all this conflict, were it real in our own lives, would make us miserable.
Chad Ford:And we know that because the conflicts that we do have make us miserable.
Chad Ford:In our families, at work, in our neighborhoods, and across our
Chad Ford:nations conflict is a pervasive source of deep unhappiness.
Chad Ford:Some conflicts are fresh and recent, and some have lasted for years.
Chad Ford:And they never entertain us.
Chad Ford:They only hurt us.
Chad Ford:Conflict is hard.
Chad Ford:It distracts us.
Chad Ford:When we're in a negative conflict spiral.
Chad Ford:It's often all we can think about and we start to see the
Chad Ford:entire world through that lens.
Chad Ford:We start to mistrust even other people because of the hurt or pain
Chad Ford:or whatever that you feel in the way.
Chad Ford:So whatever is hard about doing the peace, we can't forget that the conflict itself
Chad Ford:is hard and in many ways is a cancer that is slowly eroding and eating us away.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: Here at the start of the episode, consider what's
Chad Ford:maybe the most important thing.
Chad Ford:There's no Tom Cruise coming to defeat our villains, to kill off
Chad Ford:the cancer of conflict in our lives.
Chad Ford:If we want to escape the contention, the simmering resentment, the distrust,
Chad Ford:we need to find a better way out.
Chad Ford:We have to be our own heroes, but not the action kind that defeats enemies.
Chad Ford:Peace building is perhaps one of the hardest and most heroic
Chad Ford:things we'll ever set out to do.
Chad Ford:It's hard, but it's a good hard because the rewards are life changing.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: My guest today is Professor Chad Ford and he's going to
Chad Ford:help us learn how to find that peace.
Chad Ford:Chad's an associate professor at Utah State University's Haravi Peace Institute.
Chad Ford:He's also the author of the book, Dangerous Love: Transforming
Chad Ford:Fear and Conflict at Home, at Work, and in the World.
Chad Ford:I like the cancer analogy a lot because, you know, unfortunately
Chad Ford:a lot of times the response to cancer is chemotherapy and radiation.
Chad Ford:And anybody that's gone through that, the radiation and chemotherapy is terrible.
Chad Ford:It makes you nauseated, it, your hair falls out like,
Chad Ford:you know, it makes you sick.
Chad Ford:But in many, many cases, and in the case of my stepfather who had
Chad Ford:had cancer 20 years before, it gave him 20 extra years of life.
Chad Ford:When he got cancer the first time, relationships were rocky with lots
Chad Ford:of family members, including me, and we thought about the gift that that
Chad Ford:20 years gave us to, to reconcile, to where he had his whole family
Chad Ford:around him, loving, supporting.
Chad Ford:We learned things, he learned things in those 20 years.
Chad Ford:That chemo, that radiation that he went through 20 years ago was
Chad Ford:a gift in so many ways because it eradicated his cancer for a long time.
Chad Ford:However hard this is and how difficult it is to forgive or to confront
Chad Ford:or to look at these things, um, or what have you, you will look back on
Chad Ford:it as a gift as opposed to staying estranged, disconnected, broken.
Chad Ford:Because that, that's a sort of pain that never really heals.
Chad Ford:And I've worked with so many people, including family members who then lose
Chad Ford:somebody and that pain just remains.
Chad Ford:And I reflect back on my stepfather and the joy and beauty that was
Chad Ford:in the room when he passed away because the relationships were right.
Chad Ford:And there's nothing that can bring more peace in an ending moment of
Chad Ford:life than that, than just to know that we're right with each other.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: I wanted you to hear that story about Chad and his stepfather,
Chad Ford:so that you could see right from the start that he knows where you're coming from.
Chad Ford:He knows what it's like to be at odds with someone important to him.
Chad Ford:But Chad is also a pro at managing conflict.
Chad Ford:He's not only a professor of peace building, but he's also a professional
Chad Ford:mediator who's worked in conflict around the globe and at every level,
Chad Ford:from families going through divorce to boardroom disputes in corporations, and
Chad Ford:even in the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, a part of the world
Chad Ford:that he's worked in for over two decades.
Chad Ford:I don't think before talking with Chad that I've ever met
Chad Ford:someone who's so optimistic about finding a way through conflict.
Chad Ford:Let me give you an example that's impossible to be cynical about.
Chad Ford:For many years now, Chad has been part of an organization called
Chad Ford:Peace Players International.
Chad Ford:They bring kids from across conflict divides and have
Chad Ford:them play sports together.
Chad Ford:The program operates in a variety of places around the world, but
Chad Ford:it has also been in Israel and Palestine for over a decade.
Chad Ford:But since October 7th, 2023 armed conflict there has led to the deaths
Chad Ford:of thousands of innocent people.
Chad Ford:Things have never been as bad as they are now.
Chad Ford:How do you find hope in circumstances as hard as these?
Chad Ford:I'm a hopeful guy, first of all, Aaron.
Chad Ford:I mean, I wouldn't be engaged in this.
Chad Ford:You know, I, I sometimes talk about impossible conflict
Chad Ford:and it's what I'm drawn to.
Chad Ford:So, you know, by, by my very nature, I don't get involved in things
Chad Ford:that I don't think are possible.
Chad Ford:Right.
Chad Ford:And it's, it's just partly the way my brain is oriented, and I think it
Chad Ford:has to be to a certain extent here.
Chad Ford:Yeah, I know it's gonna be hard and brutal, but on the other
Chad Ford:side, I'm really a hopeful guy.
Chad Ford:With that said, there's been things that I've seen before that are so
Chad Ford:beautiful where they started so hard.
Chad Ford:I've worked with Israelis and Palestinians, you know,
Chad Ford:for a really long time.
Chad Ford:I'm hurting like a lot of people are hurting over October 7th.
Chad Ford:And you know, the murder and, and, and kidnapping of, of so many innocent
Chad Ford:Israelis followed by the war in Gaza with the, you know, the, the
Chad Ford:murder and destruction of, uh, tens of thousands of, of Palestinians,
Chad Ford:including many, many women and children.
Chad Ford:And I know this is a very polarizing topic, but as somebody who's like
Chad Ford:worked on the ground with both of those groups for a long time,
Chad Ford:I, I have a deep love for them.
Chad Ford:And I get to see an aspect of them that very few people in the West get to see,
Chad Ford:which is that both communities have peace builders in them that have been working
Chad Ford:tirelessly for decades to find a way to live together and collaborate together.
Chad Ford:And they've done it at personal risk.
Chad Ford:They've done it often to the extent that their friends or
Chad Ford:family or their communities have, uh, judged them or expelled them.
Chad Ford:And then you watch what happens in something like October 7th and,
Chad Ford:and the subsequent war in Gaza.
Chad Ford:Part of the emotion was, how do we ever come back from this?
Chad Ford:Like, this is so bad.
Chad Ford:One of the nonprofits that I've worked for for a long time
Chad Ford:that works with young people.
Chad Ford:Everything shut down after October 7th.
Chad Ford:You know, the safety of the young people, the safety of the
Chad Ford:families, all that comes priority.
Chad Ford:Everything had to be shut down.
Chad Ford:We can't put anybody in danger.
Chad Ford:Um, and so we, we essentially shut down, um, the program.
Chad Ford:About December, I start getting phone calls from the staff in Israel,
Chad Ford:the Palestinians, Israelis, saying that the children's mothers are
Chad Ford:calling us and they are telling us we need to start the program again,
Chad Ford:because they're losing their kids.
Chad Ford:And their kids, you know, this, this inability to connect with each other,
Chad Ford:the the social media bubbles that they're in, everything else, that
Chad Ford:they're losing them, and we can't lose the progress, um, that we've made.
Chad Ford:We have to start now, but it's dangerous.
Chad Ford:We're worried about this or this.
Chad Ford:We will come out.
Chad Ford:The parents said we will guard the, the, the spaces.
Chad Ford:We will take the risks, because these are too important not to take.
Chad Ford:And so there was a lot of fear and should we do this?
Chad Ford:And if there's a one problem, like it's done forever.
Chad Ford:Right?
Chad Ford:But also sometimes peace building is about taking risks and their
Chad Ford:parents, the kids were consenting.
Chad Ford:So we started programming in December.
Chad Ford:We thought it's gonna be a couple groups and families, um, that show up.
Chad Ford:Within the first week, 80% of the kids and their families were back engaging
Chad Ford:in peace, peace building talks.
Chad Ford:Even the most optimistic Chad would've told you that number
Chad Ford:would've been dramatically lower.
Chad Ford:It wasn't starting for like a year and giving the ongoing frustrations that
Chad Ford:this kept going on, it won't last, that people are gonna get frustrated because
Chad Ford:this thing is dragging on and on and on.
Chad Ford:And it's been the opposite of that.
Chad Ford:They continue to meet, they continue to grow.
Chad Ford:And one of the groups that we work with is basketball and
Chad Ford:they field the only joint Palestinian Israeli youth
Chad Ford:basketball team in the country.
Chad Ford:And we were like, well, we're definitely not putting that team in
Chad Ford:the league this year because they're gonna go to all of these different
Chad Ford:gyms that are gonna be fully Israeli.
Chad Ford:And the kids insisted we're gonna go.
Chad Ford:There was jeering, people threw things at them, they swore at them.
Chad Ford:Those amazing young people, and their parents said, we're gonna play anyway.
Chad Ford:We're gonna show, you know what's what's possible.
Chad Ford:And that to me, to be honest, Aaron, may be the biggest miracle I've
Chad Ford:seen in the last 20 years because the conditions couldn't be worse.
Chad Ford:The, um, challenges they face couldn't be harder.
Chad Ford:Even the most optimistic person has the right to be skeptical, um, and jaded
Chad Ford:and angry, um, at what's happening.
Chad Ford:Um, but they know there is no future for any of us unless we find
Chad Ford:a way, um, to, to live together.
Chad Ford:And, uh, so they're doing what the adults haven't been able to do.
Chad Ford:And they're setting an example that, you know, for all of us, most of us that are
Chad Ford:harboring resentments or, or conflicts in our lives are not the people of Gaza and
Chad Ford:what they're going through right now, or are not the families of those Israelis.
Chad Ford:Who sent their young people off to a peace concert only to see
Chad Ford:them, you know, murdered or raped.
Chad Ford:I thought on many occasions over the last, um, year where I've, I've experienced
Chad Ford:plenty of conflicts on my own moving and teenagers and all sorts of things, if
Chad Ford:they can do it, I don't care what it is that's in my face, like I can do it too.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: What are the things that stand in the way of our peace?
Chad Ford:I mean, if the Peace Player families can work through ancient conflicts,
Chad Ford:what keeps us from dealing with our own usually far less stubborn disagreements?
Chad Ford:One element that runs through Chad's book and teaching is the role that
Chad Ford:fear plays in fostering conflict.
Chad Ford:Conflict is scary and we're naturally inclined to turn away from it.
Chad Ford:I think the reason we don't talk about fear, as much as.
Chad Ford:It's one of those emotions that I think is less socially acceptable
Chad Ford:to admit to, even than anger.
Chad Ford:I think there's a certain, like righteous anger or, yeah, there's a certain
Chad Ford:like, almost like macho to, you know, being angry, but you know, we don't
Chad Ford:really lionize people who are afraid.
Chad Ford:When I was reading Strength to Love by Martin Luther King, in his book
Chad Ford:he describes this moment where early on in the Civil Rights movement, he
Chad Ford:was getting a lot of death threats and threats towards his family.
Chad Ford:And one night in his house, he got a phone call in the middle of the night,
Chad Ford:um, and he picked up the phone and they said, "I'm gonna blow up your house
Chad Ford:and kill all of your children in it."
Chad Ford:And this was very early in, in the movement.
Chad Ford:He talks about in the night getting up and pacing and worrying about
Chad Ford:his family and wondering how in the world he got into this space and just
Chad Ford:wishing he could go back to writing his sermons every Sunday, and live this
Chad Ford:sort of peaceful life of as a pastor.
Chad Ford:And he, he reported that he was just overcome with fear and he was actually
Chad Ford:trying to think about how he could step out of the movement, let someone else go
Chad Ford:into the forefront because he was afraid.
Chad Ford:He was afraid about what was going to happen to his family.
Chad Ford:He was afraid it was going to happen about him.
Chad Ford:So he gets on his knees and he, you know, he says this prayer and, and
Chad Ford:says, "Look, people are looking at me to do the right thing, but I'm afraid
Chad Ford:and I don't think I can do it. I don't think I have the strength to do it.
Chad Ford:Can you help me get out of this?"
Chad Ford:And his answer was, "No, but I'm going to give you the strength to go through
Chad Ford:it." And, and it really ties to the title of the book, the Strength to Love.
Chad Ford:The strength to love will overcome fear.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: Martin Luther King's courage is inspiring to me,
Chad Ford:but it also makes me feel small.
Chad Ford:I mean, no one's threatening to bomb my house because of a disagreement.
Chad Ford:My fears about conflict, and probably yours, feel so much tinier than that.
Chad Ford:Luckily, Chad has empathy for our small but potent fears.
Chad Ford:I, I, I think first it requires the vulnerability to admit I am afraid.
Chad Ford:I'm afraid you're gonna take something that's important to me.
Chad Ford:I'm afraid that my voice isn't being heard.
Chad Ford:I'm afraid that you don't recognize my identity or that our relationship,
Chad Ford:you don't see me or value me.
Chad Ford:I mean, there's so many little different fears that go into this, and because
Chad Ford:of that, I need to protect myself.
Chad Ford:And I'm gonna start doing insane things that are about protecting me,
Chad Ford:but are actually making the conflict worse, but I can't see it, right?
Chad Ford:So if I'm running from conflict, I'm making it worse, not better.
Chad Ford:If I'm fighting with the person, I'm inviting them to be defensive.
Chad Ford:I'm inviting them to experience fear, and I'm actually escalating the conflict.
Chad Ford:If I freeze and do nothing right, it, it can come off to other people like,
Chad Ford:"Oh, he just doesn't care," or "It doesn't, doesn't really matter" right?
Chad Ford:But it deeply matters inside whether we're avoiding conflict, whether we're
Chad Ford:competing or fighting, whether we're just giving in or kind of playing dead.
Chad Ford:Uh, you know, at those moments.
Chad Ford:Our, our fear-based responses that are the opposite of what we really
Chad Ford:actually need, which is collaboration.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: Consider the conflicts in your lives.
Chad Ford:What are the fears that are hiding underneath them?
Chad Ford:For me, I think it's a fear that the wrong that was done will happen again.
Chad Ford:I'm scared of the pain and unmet expectations or a violated trust.
Chad Ford:I worry too often about being embarrassed or called out for my mistakes.
Chad Ford:And to be totally honest, I'm an ethics professor for goodness
Chad Ford:sakes, and I feel like I'm supposed to be above this sort of thing.
Chad Ford:I'm scared of being a hypocrite.
Chad Ford:All of my worries and all of yours stand in the way of our peace By
Chad Ford:now, it should make sense why Chad named his book Dangerous Love.
Chad Ford:We need a kind of love that's courageous in the face of fear.
Chad Ford:You know, in English, it's tough because um, we use the same word
Chad Ford:to mean so many different things, right?
Chad Ford:Aaron - Interview: Right.
Chad Ford:So it's not romantic love that we're talking about here,
Chad Ford:or you know, in the Greek, Eros.
Chad Ford:It's not Philia, which is the sort of love where we say like, which,
Chad Ford:you know, often sort of means friendship or you know, what have you.
Chad Ford:It's, it's not that.
Chad Ford:But it's this Agape, this other sort of Greek term of love, which is love
Chad Ford:because of the value of someone else.
Chad Ford:Love because I can, I can value the soul force--that's a word Gandhi
Chad Ford:used a lot--within another, and their needs, wants and concerns
Chad Ford:matter just as much as mine.
Chad Ford:You don't have to like the person.
Chad Ford:You don't have to want to be roommates or be married to the person, or
Chad Ford:like be best friends with them.
Chad Ford:You don't have to do any of that to experience that sort of love.
Chad Ford:But I have to value that your needs and wants and desires are just
Chad Ford:as important to you as mine are.
Chad Ford:Our job is to find a way forward where both of those things can be met.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: You might be listening to all of this and feeling, I don't know,
Chad Ford:maybe skeptical or perhaps even indignant.
Chad Ford:The conflict that's been needling you all episode probably wasn't
Chad Ford:even your fault to begin with.
Chad Ford:If anyone's the peacemaker in this situation, you are.
Chad Ford:Isn't it at least sometimes true that we're simply in the right?
Chad Ford:It's funny you say it's sometimes true.
Chad Ford:It's, it's, at least from a perception standpoint, it's almost always true,
Chad Ford:because virtually everybody that comes in my office says, "I'm the peacemaker
Chad Ford:here. And it's the other person who, who won't move and, and won't change."
Chad Ford:And it's so interesting to me, first of all, usually it's one person who will
Chad Ford:instigate and come in and I'll get the other party to come in, they tell me the
Chad Ford:exact same story, but in reverse, right?
Chad Ford:"I'm the peacemaker.
Chad Ford:I'm the one trying to make a difference.
Chad Ford:They're the ones who are doing this." I think we get in this mode of, of
Chad Ford:storytelling and conflict narrative where anything that I might do that
Chad Ford:maybe you would say, oh, Chad, maybe that wasn't the best decision, or whatever,
Chad Ford:I felt justified in doing it because it was in response to a slight, or was
Chad Ford:in response to years of someone's using these words against me or what have you.
Chad Ford:So look, the first thing I would say, Aaron, is when I hear that, my first
Chad Ford:thought is, you don't see your role.
Chad Ford:These, are... conflicts are dynamic.
Chad Ford:There are patterns that are involved.
Chad Ford:And in virtually every case, you are involved in the pattern and
Chad Ford:you can't see it right now, right?
Chad Ford:Now, there are conflict escalatory patterns called Contender/Defender
Chad Ford:where someone's always coming, and I'm the defender, and there's been a lot of
Chad Ford:political science research about this.
Chad Ford:There's been family research about it.
Chad Ford:They're rare.
Chad Ford:But most of the people that I talk to think that that's what they're
Chad Ford:in, in a conflict escalation.
Chad Ford:I"'m the defender. This person's the contender" coming in, but they're rare.
Chad Ford:But almost always those contender/defenders, even if they're, they
Chad Ford:exist, they will morph into a conflict spiral, which is an action/reaction
Chad Ford:model that's coming over time.
Chad Ford:People won't stay the defender forever.
Chad Ford:Eventually I'm going to get pushed to take up arms and try to stop the relentless
Chad Ford:or constant attacks that are coming in.
Chad Ford:And so it's so fascinating to me when Jesus tells people, if
Chad Ford:somebody smites you on the cheek, you know, turn the other cheek.
Chad Ford:I find that to be incredible conflict advice for a second, right?
Chad Ford:Because when I slap you, what I expect to happen is that you
Chad Ford:are gonna slap me back, right?
Chad Ford:And when you do so, I know this is weird and convoluted, but when
Chad Ford:you slap me back, it gives me justification for that first slap.
Chad Ford:It makes me actually feel like, "I was right, because look at you,
Chad Ford:you're violent or you know you're not Christian because you didn't turn the
Chad Ford:other cheek" or you know what have it.
Chad Ford:When we respond to negative conflict with negative conflict, when we respond
Chad Ford:to contention with contention, it almost always gives the person who instigated
Chad Ford:it the justification that it was right to start it in the first place, because I've
Chad Ford:exposed your true self and who you are.
Chad Ford:And I see this a lot in like verbal conflicts, right?
Chad Ford:Someone will insult somebody and then somebody will insult them
Chad Ford:back and they will be shocked.
Chad Ford:"I, I can't believe you used that language, or I can't believe you
Chad Ford:stoop that low." And of course, your insult was always worse than mine.
Chad Ford:You always escalated it, um, further.
Chad Ford:And so for most people, I said, you know, forget about what
Chad Ford:they're doing for a minute.
Chad Ford:Let's think about.
Chad Ford:What we're doing and how we're contributing to that, because that's the
Chad Ford:part that's the easiest to change, right?
Chad Ford:Our input into the system is the easiest part to change.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: What about the truly one-sided conflicts?
Chad Ford:There are people in the world who, because of trauma, mental illness, or just a taste
Chad Ford:for cruelty, abuse those around them.
Chad Ford:Where does dangerous love fit in these situations?
Chad Ford:I wrote a book called Dangerous Love, and unfortunately some
Chad Ford:people read the book and said, "Oh, so I'm just supposed to stay with my
Chad Ford:abusive spouse and love them and keep getting punched in the face, right?"
Chad Ford:And I'm like, no, no, no.
Chad Ford:That's, that's, that's not what I mean by that sort of dangerous.
Chad Ford:I mean, vulnerable, dangerous, not like physically I'm dangerous.
Chad Ford:But even in those cases, I've found that when I can see the humanity of
Chad Ford:the other person, I can make decisions like "I'm not gonna live with you
Chad Ford:anymore, or I'm gonna create very strong boundaries that don't allow you
Chad Ford:to engage in that behavior anymore.
Chad Ford:I'm going to call the police because that behavior is dangerous to me and to others.
Chad Ford:I'm going to force you as a teenager to go into rehab even though you don't want
Chad Ford:to be there, even though you're gonna hate me because you know I've enrolled you in
Chad Ford:this wilderness program or what have you."
Chad Ford:I can engage in those behaviors, but if I am not blaming, if I'm seeing that person
Chad Ford:with Agape, if I'm doing it because I'm actually trying to help them so that
Chad Ford:maybe somewhere down the road we can engage in that sort of collaborative
Chad Ford:process that will make all the difference in the world in our healing.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: My full interview with Chad lasted for about two hours,
Chad Ford:and there was so much more to include than I had time for in this episode.
Chad Ford:That's why I've decided to break the things he said into two parts.
Chad Ford:In this one, we focused on what it takes to make peace in our
Chad Ford:own lives and relationships.
Chad Ford:But what if we want to do it for others too?
Chad Ford:Chad's taught an entire generation, the same generation, he was
Chad Ford:inspired to join all those years ago to be professional peacemakers.
Chad Ford:That episode will come next.
Chad Ford:So let's end this part of the conversation by going back to our
Chad Ford:fascination with action movies.
Chad Ford:Like I said at the start, we love peace, but only if it comes after justice.
Chad Ford:Can there really be peace if wrong isn't made right?
Chad Ford:What about justice?
Chad Ford:Aaron - Interview: Especially in personal relationships where
Chad Ford:there's conflict, what's the right way to think about justice?
Chad Ford:Because it doesn't feel like it's appropriate to just say
Chad Ford:justice should never matter here.
Chad Ford:It's just about getting in harmony again.
Chad Ford:Surely having justice be your main priority is probably
Chad Ford:gonna enhance the conflict.
Chad Ford:How do we think about justice, not just at the big scale, but also in
Chad Ford:the the personal conflicts we have?
Chad Ford:You know, the interesting thing about when we use the word
Chad Ford:justice is, to me it's a lot like love.
Chad Ford:It means different things to different people.
Chad Ford:Justice can mean revenge.
Chad Ford:We see both culturally, religiously, you know, justice used in those ways.
Chad Ford:But it's not the only way that justice is used.
Chad Ford:It's not the only definition, um, for justice.
Chad Ford:And again, this is where sometimes I feel like English fails us a little
Chad Ford:bit because we are wont to use the same word to mean a lot of different things.
Chad Ford:And living in Hawaii for the last 20 years, I've been fascinated
Chad Ford:by the Hawaiian word for justice.
Chad Ford:It's called "pono." And it means justice.
Chad Ford:It means righteousness.
Chad Ford:It means things becoming right again.
Chad Ford:And so when things are "pono," we are right with each other.
Chad Ford:And there's another word in Hawaiian, 'cause I love, Hawaiians can do this.
Chad Ford:You can't do this in English.
Chad Ford:They'll stack the words together, so when they say ponopono,
Chad Ford:it means the most, right?
Chad Ford:Right.
Chad Ford:So pono can be right and we can be right about a lot of things or what makes right.
Chad Ford:But what is the most, right?
Chad Ford:So when we say ponopono, what is the most right?
Chad Ford:And the most right, is relationships, right?
Chad Ford:So I can be right on the facts.
Chad Ford:I can be right on the merits.
Chad Ford:I can be right on who started something or who didn't start something.
Chad Ford:I can be right that my interpretation of my religious text or my political text or,
Chad Ford:or whatever are right and yours are wrong.
Chad Ford:But I can also be wrong, at the exact same moment, if I'm not right with you.
Chad Ford:Their conflict resolution mechanism is called Ho'oponopono, and is about
Chad Ford:making things the most right again.
Chad Ford:And the whole process is about reconciliation.
Chad Ford:And reconciliation has four strands.
Chad Ford:It has mercy or forgiveness.
Chad Ford:It has truth, it has justice, and it has peace.
Chad Ford:And you can't have one without the other to be reconciled.
Chad Ford:So truth has to come out.
Chad Ford:It's important that we talk about the things that are our conflicts, that we
Chad Ford:surface them, that we speak them, that we don't hide them or bury them in the
Chad Ford:ground, or ignore them or forgive them.
Chad Ford:It's important that we practice forgiveness and mercy towards
Chad Ford:those that have hurt us.
Chad Ford:It is important that we seek justice for wholeness' sake, so that, that things
Chad Ford:that were wrong are made right again.
Chad Ford:Not about punishment, not about hurting the other person, but about a commitment.
Chad Ford:And, you know, in faith context, sometimes this is called like
Chad Ford:restitution, like trying our best to sort of make things right again.
Chad Ford:And so having a conversation about justice, without talking about mercy,
Chad Ford:without talking about truth, without talking about peace, and without
Chad Ford:frankly talking about reconciliation.
Chad Ford:The goal is and should be injustice to make us more fully connected,
Chad Ford:to make us ponopono again.
Chad Ford:Then I have to think about the justice that builds, about the
Chad Ford:justice that reconnects, not about the sort of justice that destroys,
Chad Ford:or tears down, or marginalizes or hurts people in another way.
Chad Ford:And then peace is a commitment that whatever we've had in the past, we
Chad Ford:are gonna work to make sure that it doesn't, that it doesn't happen again.
Chad Ford:Aaron - Narration: The Hawaiian tradition of Ho'oponopono was preserved largely
Chad Ford:thanks to the work of Mary Kawena Pukui, who documented and restored
Chad Ford:Hawaiian practices during a century of tumultuous change on the islands.
Chad Ford:Although the practice is sadly slimmed down now, and popularized today as a kind
Chad Ford:of new age self-care, the traditional Ho'oponopono is a mix of ritual,
Chad Ford:accountability, forgiveness, and healing that Pukui described in part this way:
Chad Ford:"Every one of us searched our hearts for any hard feelings
Chad Ford:of one against the other.
Chad Ford:And did some thorough mental house cleaning.
Chad Ford:We forgave and were forgiven, thrashing out every grudge,
Chad Ford:peeve, or sentiment among us."
Chad Ford:The end goal of this process is to do what Chad Ford described, not to make things
Chad Ford:right in the sense of achieving justice, but to make right our relationships.
Chad Ford:I'm inspired by Chad to do this more in my life, and I hope that you are, too.
Chad Ford:How To Help is hosted and written by me, Aaron Miller, and produced
Chad Ford:in collaboration with BYU Radio.
Chad Ford:My thanks to Erica Price, Kenny Mears, and Blake Morris for
Chad Ford:their help with this episode.
Chad Ford:Scoring and mixing was done by Seth Miller, and our music is by Eric Robertson
Chad Ford:and the Pleasant Pictures Music Club.
Chad Ford:For more information about this episode, use the links in the show notes.
Chad Ford:As always, thank you so much for listening.