I pick up the phone and Bama’s absolutely gutted that summer’s over — so of course she’s invented pumpkin spice Menthols as a coping mechanism. She’s bragging she finally hit her tan-and-paroled goals and swears she didn’t violate probation once while wearing a swimsuit, which I’m trying very hard not to fact-check. We trade shtick about cozy fall nonsense until she casually drops that she’s unpacking her “haggling tube top” for garage‑sale season — wardrobe = business expense, apparently. She also admits to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters, which I definitely asked to hear but maybe shouldn’t have. It’s classic Bama: escalating weirdness, accidental confessions, and zero shame, and I’m just trying to understand it without becoming legally involved.
Takeaways:
I'm bummed summer's over; I brag about getting tan and staying 'paroled' all season long.
We roast fall hard — dead leaves, pale skin, sweater obsessions, and white women decorating with gorts totally don't win me over.
I invented a weird fall combo: pumpkin spice coffee plus menthols, which I proudly call pumpkin spice Menthols.
We jokingly admit to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters and other questionable seasonal hacks that probably shouldn't exist.
I'm gearing up for garage sale season, using a 'haggling tube top' like it's a totally valid business expense.
Transcripts
Speaker A:
Good morning.
Speaker A:
It's Haystack.
Speaker A:
It is time for what's essentially my favorite time of the week when we chat with my dear old friend Bama down in rural Alabama.
Speaker A:
And Bama joins us on the phone now.
Speaker A:
And you know, Bama, as we're a couple of days past Labor Day, summer's pretty much over.
Speaker A:
I mean, it's still warm for another week or two, but summer's pretty much done.
Speaker A:
Are you ready for the fall?
Speaker B:
Oh, hey, Stack.
Speaker B:
I am so sad.
Speaker B:
I mean, I am sad as crap that the summer is done.
Speaker B:
Gone.
Speaker A:
Okay.
Speaker A:
So you're a summer person, huh?
Speaker B:
Well, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker B:
This was the first summer since 19 and 84 that I was as tan as I wanted to be and as paroled as I wanted to be.
Speaker A:
That's a very specific definition of a successful summer.
Speaker B:
Well, you gotta set goals, sugar.
Speaker B:
June through August, I did not violate probation one single time while wearing a swimsuit.
Speaker A:
Oh, no, that qualifier on the end there concerns me.
Speaker B:
You know, fall just ain't got nothing for me.
Speaker B:
Dead leaves and pale skin and everybody starts wearing sweaters and talking about how cozy everything is.
Speaker A:
Bama, a lot of people love the fall.
Speaker B:
I just don't trust a season where everything dies and white women started decorating with gorts.
Speaker A:
Well, there's pumpkin spice.
Speaker B:
Now, that is the one good thing.
Speaker B:
I invented my own fall recipe.
Speaker B:
Pumpkin spice Menthols.
Speaker A:
Oh, no.
Speaker A:
Now I'm worried.
Speaker B:
Well, you see, you take a swig of pumpkin spice coffee, then you suck on a menthol and you experience a glorious sensation of a cool fall breeze is shooting happy chemicals directly into your bloodstream.
Speaker A:
Bama, that's not a recipe.
Speaker A:
That's just two addictions working together.
Speaker B:
It tastes like autumn got divorced and started hanging out behind a dollar general.
Speaker A:
That may be the most Bama description of fall imaginable.
Speaker B:
You know, sometimes I sprinkle a little cinnamon on a cigarette filter.
Speaker A:
Bama, don't do that.
Speaker A:
So what are you doing with yourself now that summer's over?
Speaker B:
Well, garage sale season is a coming, so I gotta dig out my haggling tube top.
Speaker A:
Wait, wait a minute.
Speaker A:
Your what?
Speaker B:
My haggalling tube top.
Speaker B:
It shows off just enough cleavage to turn a $20 end table into eight bucks in a free crock pot.
Speaker A:
So you have clothing specifically for negotiating garage sale prices?
Speaker B:
Well, yeah, Haystack.
Speaker B:
Although these ain't really just clothes.
Speaker B:
They're.
Speaker B:
They're their business expenses.
Speaker A:
Oh, yeah, of course they are.
Speaker B:
Yeah.
Speaker B:
Well, I gotta go, sugar.
Speaker B:
I got a whole neighborhood subdivision to financially manipulate y'.
