Tonight, a public service announcement. I'm about to make you an offer that very few rabbis in three thousand years have had the courage to make honestly: you want to be rich? Convert. Come on in. The water — and apparently the money — is fine.

I mean it. Everyone knows the deal. Jews have money. So if you want money, become one of us. Simple math. Let's do the math together tonight.

What are you waiting for! Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up, step right up! Tonight — and tonight ONLY — the offer of a LIFETIME!

You’ve heard the rumor. Everybody’s heard the rumor. Jews. Are. RICH. It’s the world’s worst-kept secret — and I am here, tonight, to tell you: the secret’s OUT, and the DOOR IS OPEN!